Seeking optimal gesture for my new in-laws
December 18, 2018 9:33 AM Subscribe
I recently got married. My wife comes from a Muslim family, but she does not practice. I come from a Catholic background and I also do not practice. Islam is a very important aspect of her parents' lives, and although they seem to generally approve of me and our marriage, I wanted to offer them a sincere gesture or some sort of meaningful offer to acknowledge values in their faith.
My wife and I got married courthouse-style within the past week and we had video calls with all of our immediate family members that same evening, including her parents. It was long-premeditated on our part, but a surprise to everyone else in our lives.
Her parents were just as surprised as anyone else we shared the news with, but my main concern is that I know her parents would prefer that I were Muslim. I feel fairly confident that in spite of this, they generally like me as a person. My wife's mother is a convert and did not convert until later on in her marriage to my father-in-law. In addition, they also eloped with a small group of people. That all being said, our choice of execution is relatable to them in a lot of ways which helps a lot, but I still want to offer them some sort of statement of solidarity or suggestion to incorporate my in-law's faith into our union.
On our call with them, we expressed our general interest in doing a nikah nama (Islamic marriage contract). Whether or not that occurs in some form, I wanted to hand-write a letter to them that acknowledges their faith in a sincere way. I come from a perspective of wanting to learn more about Islam generally, but I'm also not going to pretend like conversion is in the books for me just for the sake of pleasing them.
The lines I'm hoping to connect are between my background and values of approaching social justice from a radical perspective and the values of Islam that I find to be reflective of my values. One example of this is perhaps the Zakat—one of the pillars of Islam—which is a means to address inequality and an acknowledgement of social class that I can get behind in a lot of ways. I imagine there are many more specific things, so that brings me to my actual question.
What other aspects of Islam can I cite as an offer of solidarity that connect to ideas of social justice and equality even in the broadest of terms? What other ways can I offer my willingness to defend their faith in the face of any potential adversity without falsely alluding to any potential that I would convert?
My wife and I got married courthouse-style within the past week and we had video calls with all of our immediate family members that same evening, including her parents. It was long-premeditated on our part, but a surprise to everyone else in our lives.
Her parents were just as surprised as anyone else we shared the news with, but my main concern is that I know her parents would prefer that I were Muslim. I feel fairly confident that in spite of this, they generally like me as a person. My wife's mother is a convert and did not convert until later on in her marriage to my father-in-law. In addition, they also eloped with a small group of people. That all being said, our choice of execution is relatable to them in a lot of ways which helps a lot, but I still want to offer them some sort of statement of solidarity or suggestion to incorporate my in-law's faith into our union.
On our call with them, we expressed our general interest in doing a nikah nama (Islamic marriage contract). Whether or not that occurs in some form, I wanted to hand-write a letter to them that acknowledges their faith in a sincere way. I come from a perspective of wanting to learn more about Islam generally, but I'm also not going to pretend like conversion is in the books for me just for the sake of pleasing them.
The lines I'm hoping to connect are between my background and values of approaching social justice from a radical perspective and the values of Islam that I find to be reflective of my values. One example of this is perhaps the Zakat—one of the pillars of Islam—which is a means to address inequality and an acknowledgement of social class that I can get behind in a lot of ways. I imagine there are many more specific things, so that brings me to my actual question.
What other aspects of Islam can I cite as an offer of solidarity that connect to ideas of social justice and equality even in the broadest of terms? What other ways can I offer my willingness to defend their faith in the face of any potential adversity without falsely alluding to any potential that I would convert?
Congratulations!
As someone who is also in a mixed culture marriage (in fact some of the same cultures are involved for us) I very sincerely urge you not to do this. I know you are feeling a lot of momentum around this idea. I know this is sincere energy you should re-direct into other endeavors.
Float in newlywed bliss for as long as you can, put this energy you are feeling towards yourself and your wife. Leave your in-laws out of your marriage. This isn’t about them, inviting them in is not really best practice.
Go to couples counseling to set ground rules and improve communication with your new lifelong teammate! Generously listen to her. Work on relationship skills! Make long term plans! Enjoy each other and strengthen your bond with each other.
Cross cultural relationships get hard sooner or later. When that happens, look to professional resources for support.
Leave you inlaws’ religion out of any gestures you make towards them.
posted by jbenben at 10:12 AM on December 18, 2018 [7 favorites]
As someone who is also in a mixed culture marriage (in fact some of the same cultures are involved for us) I very sincerely urge you not to do this. I know you are feeling a lot of momentum around this idea. I know this is sincere energy you should re-direct into other endeavors.
Float in newlywed bliss for as long as you can, put this energy you are feeling towards yourself and your wife. Leave your in-laws out of your marriage. This isn’t about them, inviting them in is not really best practice.
Go to couples counseling to set ground rules and improve communication with your new lifelong teammate! Generously listen to her. Work on relationship skills! Make long term plans! Enjoy each other and strengthen your bond with each other.
Cross cultural relationships get hard sooner or later. When that happens, look to professional resources for support.
Leave you inlaws’ religion out of any gestures you make towards them.
posted by jbenben at 10:12 AM on December 18, 2018 [7 favorites]
Mod note: One deleted; the suggestion "don't do the thing" has been made, so folks who don't have relevant advice about dealing with this specific situation don't need to make that general point again.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:16 AM on December 18, 2018
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:16 AM on December 18, 2018
I think you're approaching this in a somewhat reversed manner - instead of trying to demonstrate some knowledge about their religion that you are only sort of acquiring to prove you have it/draw parallels with your existing views, why not show your genuine interest in learning more and ask them if they have suggestions (either specific books or practices) that you could use in your interest in learning more about their religion.
You don't need to imply or explicitly promise a future conversion to tell them honestly that you are curious about Islam and, especially since your mother-in-law did not grow up in the religion, were hoping they could help you as you "I come from a perspective of wanting to learn more about Islam generally."
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 10:23 AM on December 18, 2018 [14 favorites]
You don't need to imply or explicitly promise a future conversion to tell them honestly that you are curious about Islam and, especially since your mother-in-law did not grow up in the religion, were hoping they could help you as you "I come from a perspective of wanting to learn more about Islam generally."
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 10:23 AM on December 18, 2018 [14 favorites]
There's a chance that if you absolutely nail this they'll think a little more highly of you, but you're running a huge risk of condescendingly 'splaining their own religion to them in a way that makes you look completely insufferable. I think the way to channel this impulse is to think of a low-key way to convey "I respect your religious faith" in your letter without overselling it (like seriously do not offer yourself up as a defender of Islam against postulated adversaries). It definitely should not carry a whiff of "here are some facts I recently researched about Islam" and you don't want to address the topic of conversion expectations if none have been expressed to you yet.
Low-key, light touch.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:24 AM on December 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
Low-key, light touch.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:24 AM on December 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I would write a letter expressing your love for their daughter, your respect for her and her family, and your desire and excitement to get to know her parents (In-laws) on a much deeper level. As part of the family, you want to be part of the family. Make it a more general letter focusing on how you are now partners with their daughter on a life path and you wish to integrate both sides into one family.
posted by AugustWest at 10:35 AM on December 18, 2018 [24 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 10:35 AM on December 18, 2018 [24 favorites]
I think with mixed marriages, the concern is almost always about how the other person will support their spouse in the practice of their faith, and how the children are going to be raised. You’re both nonpracticing, so this seems easy now, but it may not always be. What if she wants to start? What about when you have kids? What holidays will you celebrate? What will you tell the children about religion?
Figure this stuff out, thoughtfully, and then reassure their fears by telling them what you decide.
posted by corb at 10:46 AM on December 18, 2018
Figure this stuff out, thoughtfully, and then reassure their fears by telling them what you decide.
posted by corb at 10:46 AM on December 18, 2018
I can't quite tell from your question if you are only looking for ideas about what to say in a letter, but I thought I might suggest two ways of doing this that do not involve writing a letter (though AugustWest's suggestion is excellent, as usual):
1. Asking your wife if there is some element of her/their faith that you could welcome into your home. I'm afraid I don't know enough about Islam to suggest what that might be, but an example from faiths I know a little more about would be displaying a crèche at Christmastime or adding a mezuzah to your doorway.
2. Give them a traditional gift at the next appropriate religious holiday that they celebrate. For Catholicism this might be a decorative crucifix for Christmas or a fruit basket for Easter.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:21 AM on December 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
1. Asking your wife if there is some element of her/their faith that you could welcome into your home. I'm afraid I don't know enough about Islam to suggest what that might be, but an example from faiths I know a little more about would be displaying a crèche at Christmastime or adding a mezuzah to your doorway.
2. Give them a traditional gift at the next appropriate religious holiday that they celebrate. For Catholicism this might be a decorative crucifix for Christmas or a fruit basket for Easter.
posted by Rock Steady at 11:21 AM on December 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
I had a conversation with a very intelligent, educated, sincere muslim woman in which I asked what she thought the core values were that differentiated Islam from other religions, particularly Christianity. I offered that the most core value of Christianity, for me, was forgiveness.
She said, with little hesitation, that the core value of Islam for her was respect.
posted by amtho at 11:25 AM on December 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
She said, with little hesitation, that the core value of Islam for her was respect.
posted by amtho at 11:25 AM on December 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
Another person from a mixed-culture marriage here. I agree that a letter is hard to do right, but I’m sure they’d appreciate if you participated in family traditions or rituals. If there is a nearby group that practices in a way that’s familiar to your wife, you might consider visiting on special occasions just to learn more about the culture.
posted by tinymegalo at 11:43 AM on December 18, 2018
posted by tinymegalo at 11:43 AM on December 18, 2018
The parallel drawn above about putting a mezuzah on the door is a nice example of why this is a minefield. Putting a mezuzah on a home's door would be bizarre and totally inappropriate if the home were not a Jewish home. Religious symbols have actual meaning to religious practitioners. If you're sure you're not interested in conversion, then I think the more you try to signal religious interest to them, the more confusing and weird this will be. Don't worry about virtue signalling to these people. Just be a loving and devoted husband to their daughter. If you must write to them, tell them how great she is and how excited you are to get to know them and be part of the family.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:52 AM on December 18, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:52 AM on December 18, 2018 [15 favorites]
From a Mefite who wishes to remain anonymous:
Both my wife and I are non-religious. I come from a devout Hindu family, while she comes from a half-Muslim/half-Hindu (both non-practicing) family. There was more friction between our families when we announced our marriage because all-of-a-sudden her mom felt a strong desire for us to have a nikah (we were planning a large Hindu wedding from my side). We had one under the radar with her family and a couple of our friends. In the long run, it quelled tensions from her side and didn't make a difference to us, except for the added stories we can tell some folks about our secret ceremony.posted by LobsterMitten at 12:07 PM on December 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
Our situations are pretty much identical. I'm a non-practising Muslim woman with a very conservative mother (my parents are divorced, but my stepdad is a conservative Muslim as well.) My boyfriend's family is Catholic but he is agnostic and has no intention of converting.
I think it's admirable that you want to draw parallels between your own ideals and some of the tenets of Islam, but - and I can only speak from knowing my own family, YMMV - this is unlikely to be impactful as an introductory missive to parents who value and practice the religion. It's something you could discuss with them once they've gotten to know you better, as it does show them that you respect their faith. However, even as a non-practicing Muslim who still greatly respects a lot of this faith, I find your notion of wanting to "defend their faith in the face of any potential adversity" mildly problematic given your admitted lack of knowledge of Islam. You're likely to elicit some skepticism on their part of your sincerity in respecting their faith with those declarations. Also, you don't mention what your wife thinks, which is curious. Does she know you're planning to write this letter? Presumably, she knows best what her parents' values and perspectives are, and how they would react. In fact, my own response to your question would be to first ask her, if you haven't already, what the best way to demonstrate your acknowledgement of their faith would be.
The anonymous response above beat me to it, but the most important thing my boyfriend and I did to appease my mother was to complete the nikah. In Islam, you're not really married until this is done, and you're living in sin. Want to show them your respect of Islam? Get that done. This mattered not a whit to me nor to my boyfriend, but it made my mother ecstatic. Also keep in mind that Muslim men are allowed to marry Christian women if they convert, but not vice versa, so I'd handle that nuance carefully when drawing parallels between your marriage and that of her parents'. Given that you caught them by surprise, you could face some friction down the line when you either meet them in person, or if you decide to have children. All of this will be greatly attenuated if you've performed the nikah.
Just - please don't write this letter. Are you even planning on giving Zakat? Have you talked to other Muslims with the genuine intention of practicing some of these values you say you can get behind? Don't write or talk about this unless you do, because until then your sincerity (and I do understand that you mean well and do respect this family's faith) is just talk. I'm fairly sure that what matters to your wife's family is not someone paying lip service to their faith, but someone who respects it enough to do the "right" thing - which, even if you don't believe - would be to marry their daughter in the way Islam requires it. If you haven't done that, anything else would most likely be deemed irrelevant [by her family.]
posted by Everydayville at 12:51 PM on December 18, 2018 [11 favorites]
I think it's admirable that you want to draw parallels between your own ideals and some of the tenets of Islam, but - and I can only speak from knowing my own family, YMMV - this is unlikely to be impactful as an introductory missive to parents who value and practice the religion. It's something you could discuss with them once they've gotten to know you better, as it does show them that you respect their faith. However, even as a non-practicing Muslim who still greatly respects a lot of this faith, I find your notion of wanting to "defend their faith in the face of any potential adversity" mildly problematic given your admitted lack of knowledge of Islam. You're likely to elicit some skepticism on their part of your sincerity in respecting their faith with those declarations. Also, you don't mention what your wife thinks, which is curious. Does she know you're planning to write this letter? Presumably, she knows best what her parents' values and perspectives are, and how they would react. In fact, my own response to your question would be to first ask her, if you haven't already, what the best way to demonstrate your acknowledgement of their faith would be.
The anonymous response above beat me to it, but the most important thing my boyfriend and I did to appease my mother was to complete the nikah. In Islam, you're not really married until this is done, and you're living in sin. Want to show them your respect of Islam? Get that done. This mattered not a whit to me nor to my boyfriend, but it made my mother ecstatic. Also keep in mind that Muslim men are allowed to marry Christian women if they convert, but not vice versa, so I'd handle that nuance carefully when drawing parallels between your marriage and that of her parents'. Given that you caught them by surprise, you could face some friction down the line when you either meet them in person, or if you decide to have children. All of this will be greatly attenuated if you've performed the nikah.
Just - please don't write this letter. Are you even planning on giving Zakat? Have you talked to other Muslims with the genuine intention of practicing some of these values you say you can get behind? Don't write or talk about this unless you do, because until then your sincerity (and I do understand that you mean well and do respect this family's faith) is just talk. I'm fairly sure that what matters to your wife's family is not someone paying lip service to their faith, but someone who respects it enough to do the "right" thing - which, even if you don't believe - would be to marry their daughter in the way Islam requires it. If you haven't done that, anything else would most likely be deemed irrelevant [by her family.]
posted by Everydayville at 12:51 PM on December 18, 2018 [11 favorites]
If there is an Islamic cultural center near you or a mosque that is engaged in various cross-faith exchanges, you might want to contact them to get in on some trainings.
posted by k8t at 4:04 PM on December 18, 2018
posted by k8t at 4:04 PM on December 18, 2018
Speaking as a Muslim, when I've seen this situation amongst family and friends, the person marrying the Muslim "converts", they have a nikkah ceremony at the mosque, and everybody lives their non-practicing life as usual, the only difference being that the in-laws get to tell their family and friends that their kid's spouse converted. This can involve occasionally showing up for Eid, not eating pork or drinking alcohol in front of the parents, etc. But this is usually when the parents are putting roadblocks in the way of the marriage.
Seeing as how you've already gotten married, and they don't seem to have a big problem with that and you get the sense that they like you, I'm not sure there is anything you can or should do. In fact, as others have pointed out, you might be better off without seeking your in-laws' approval in this way.
Congratulations!
posted by spicytunaroll at 4:17 PM on December 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
Seeing as how you've already gotten married, and they don't seem to have a big problem with that and you get the sense that they like you, I'm not sure there is anything you can or should do. In fact, as others have pointed out, you might be better off without seeking your in-laws' approval in this way.
Congratulations!
posted by spicytunaroll at 4:17 PM on December 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
Speaking as a Muslim, when I've seen this situation amongst family and friends, the person marrying the Muslim "converts", they have a nikkah ceremony at the mosque, and everybody lives their non-practicing life as usual, the only difference being that the in-laws get to tell their family and friends that their kid's spouse converted. This can involve occasionally showing up for Eid, not eating pork or drinking alcohol in front of the parents, etc. But this is usually when the parents are putting roadblocks in the way of the marriage.
This has been exactly my experience as the person "converting". Did the nikkah and conversion on the same day, at my in-laws' house. My non-attendance at mosque has never been an issue since.
If it's truly meaningful to them, it'd be a nice gesture. But as the comments above also suggest, I wouldn't force the issue if it's not an impediment to (eg) them accepting you co-habiting.
posted by Ted Maul at 11:31 AM on December 19, 2018
This has been exactly my experience as the person "converting". Did the nikkah and conversion on the same day, at my in-laws' house. My non-attendance at mosque has never been an issue since.
If it's truly meaningful to them, it'd be a nice gesture. But as the comments above also suggest, I wouldn't force the issue if it's not an impediment to (eg) them accepting you co-habiting.
posted by Ted Maul at 11:31 AM on December 19, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by so fucking future at 9:59 AM on December 18, 2018 [34 favorites]