Coping with trauma of a close friend's sudden cardiac arrest
December 18, 2018 4:47 AM Subscribe
Two weeks ago, my very close (young, healthy) friend fell into sudden cardiac arrest during our choir rehearsal, losing her heartbeat and respiration. Thanks to the quick CPR intervention of two medically trained choir members in the room, as well as a speedy ambulance arrival, she was resuscitated and ultimately made a full recovery. But witnessing this event happen to someone so close to me was very traumatic, and I'm suffering psychological and physiological symptoms of stress and anxiety. How can I cope with what happened?
On the psychological side, I've had a sharp uptick in anxiety ever since. I keep replaying the event in the mind and ruminating over hypothetical scenarios (e.g., the numerous ways things could have played out just slightly differently, due to random factors, that would have led to my friend dying). My renewed awareness of the fragility of life makes me now fear that anyone around me could collapse like that at any time, and as a result I've become hypersensitive to my partner's breathing at night (what if it suddenly stops and he needs me to save him, but I'm asleep and don't notice?). I'm now acutely aware of how attached I am to my loved ones, including my friend, and it seems that this just makes the fear of losing them all the more intense. At the same time, I feel guilty that I'm having such a strong emotional reaction to all this, since after all, my friend is the one who has to live with her genetic heart condition, including future medical treatments that she deeply fears.
On the physiological side, since my friend's incident, I've also become much more sensitive to my own heart-related sensations, to the extent that I had a silent panic attack at last week's choir rehearsal (various physical sensations spiraled out of control and made me feel that I was the one about to pass out and possibly die, similar to my friend's experience). Furthermore, I don't feel comfortable physically exerting myself as much as before (e.g., while biking) because I feel heart palpitations or a tightening in my chest, and I'm afraid of triggering a heart attack or cardiac arrest. Even though I've never been diagnosed with heart problems myself and intellectually recognize that these are probably just psychosomatic anxiety symptoms, I'm having a hard time dealing with them. In the past, I have managed anxiety by doing yoga, meditation, or walking, but these activities are not helping as much for the acute anxiety I'm experiencing now. Even taking a deep breath from the diaphragm doesn't seem to work anymore; it's as if my relaxation response is just blocked. The fact that my physiological anxiety (especially my elevated heart rate and inability to breathe deeply) is sustained for long periods of time triggers even more anxiety, because my thoughts tell me that such arousal is harmful to my health.
What can I do to better cope with this anxiety and be able to resume my normal functioning? I am especially interested in your personal stories about recovering from similar incidents or any books that might provide some philosophical consolation or help me process what happened in a more psychologically helpful way.
On the psychological side, I've had a sharp uptick in anxiety ever since. I keep replaying the event in the mind and ruminating over hypothetical scenarios (e.g., the numerous ways things could have played out just slightly differently, due to random factors, that would have led to my friend dying). My renewed awareness of the fragility of life makes me now fear that anyone around me could collapse like that at any time, and as a result I've become hypersensitive to my partner's breathing at night (what if it suddenly stops and he needs me to save him, but I'm asleep and don't notice?). I'm now acutely aware of how attached I am to my loved ones, including my friend, and it seems that this just makes the fear of losing them all the more intense. At the same time, I feel guilty that I'm having such a strong emotional reaction to all this, since after all, my friend is the one who has to live with her genetic heart condition, including future medical treatments that she deeply fears.
On the physiological side, since my friend's incident, I've also become much more sensitive to my own heart-related sensations, to the extent that I had a silent panic attack at last week's choir rehearsal (various physical sensations spiraled out of control and made me feel that I was the one about to pass out and possibly die, similar to my friend's experience). Furthermore, I don't feel comfortable physically exerting myself as much as before (e.g., while biking) because I feel heart palpitations or a tightening in my chest, and I'm afraid of triggering a heart attack or cardiac arrest. Even though I've never been diagnosed with heart problems myself and intellectually recognize that these are probably just psychosomatic anxiety symptoms, I'm having a hard time dealing with them. In the past, I have managed anxiety by doing yoga, meditation, or walking, but these activities are not helping as much for the acute anxiety I'm experiencing now. Even taking a deep breath from the diaphragm doesn't seem to work anymore; it's as if my relaxation response is just blocked. The fact that my physiological anxiety (especially my elevated heart rate and inability to breathe deeply) is sustained for long periods of time triggers even more anxiety, because my thoughts tell me that such arousal is harmful to my health.
What can I do to better cope with this anxiety and be able to resume my normal functioning? I am especially interested in your personal stories about recovering from similar incidents or any books that might provide some philosophical consolation or help me process what happened in a more psychologically helpful way.
Two things: One, talking about it as much as you can, whether it's with a professional or not. Especially with your partner.
Two, get trained in proper CPR if you are not already. Take a quick class, learn to spot defibrillators when you're out in public, etc. Taking some measure of control over what you would do in the unlikely event you witness an event like this again may help. (On preview, yes, seconding InkaLomax.)
Life is absolutely fragile but we do it anyway. What a crappy experience to go through but WOW, she's alive! That's amazing and wonderful. It's OK to be freaked out by it but everything went right and that is something to celebrate, when you're able.
posted by wellred at 5:16 AM on December 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
Two, get trained in proper CPR if you are not already. Take a quick class, learn to spot defibrillators when you're out in public, etc. Taking some measure of control over what you would do in the unlikely event you witness an event like this again may help. (On preview, yes, seconding InkaLomax.)
Life is absolutely fragile but we do it anyway. What a crappy experience to go through but WOW, she's alive! That's amazing and wonderful. It's OK to be freaked out by it but everything went right and that is something to celebrate, when you're able.
posted by wellred at 5:16 AM on December 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
Dear Datarose,
I wish I could send a huge hug through the fiber optics. You deserve one. What you are going through is terribly difficult, but it can and will get better.
You never used the term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but many of the effects you describe are classic for PTSD. It is a common response to a situation in which a person must go through danger, terror or loss. Witnessing someone you love and care deeply about in a state of clinical death and knowing how close he or she was to leaving you forever is more than enough to cause this in anyone.
On the one hand, the condition will often lessen over time and resolve by itself. On the other hand, you it would be extremely foolish to let it. Why suffer needlessly for weeks or months or risk worsening symptoms, depression and so on? Seek help immediately. A counselor trained in PTSD can provide so much assistance. Start by seeing your doctor or health care professional and be open about all you're experiencing.
PTSD is a well recognized syndrome, so feelings of guilt (such as you describe) while common, are irrational. Does someone laid low by influenza apologize for being ill? Does someone with diabetes feel guilty about the condition? Give yourself permission to react normally to a traumatic event. Then get treatment for the trauma.
You asked for personal experiences and ways to cope, but this post is getting long. More in a second post.
posted by wjm at 5:17 AM on December 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
I wish I could send a huge hug through the fiber optics. You deserve one. What you are going through is terribly difficult, but it can and will get better.
You never used the term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but many of the effects you describe are classic for PTSD. It is a common response to a situation in which a person must go through danger, terror or loss. Witnessing someone you love and care deeply about in a state of clinical death and knowing how close he or she was to leaving you forever is more than enough to cause this in anyone.
On the one hand, the condition will often lessen over time and resolve by itself. On the other hand, you it would be extremely foolish to let it. Why suffer needlessly for weeks or months or risk worsening symptoms, depression and so on? Seek help immediately. A counselor trained in PTSD can provide so much assistance. Start by seeing your doctor or health care professional and be open about all you're experiencing.
PTSD is a well recognized syndrome, so feelings of guilt (such as you describe) while common, are irrational. Does someone laid low by influenza apologize for being ill? Does someone with diabetes feel guilty about the condition? Give yourself permission to react normally to a traumatic event. Then get treatment for the trauma.
You asked for personal experiences and ways to cope, but this post is getting long. More in a second post.
posted by wjm at 5:17 AM on December 18, 2018 [5 favorites]
It is scary. I am glad there were people to help your friend. You witnessed an intense situation and it might take some time to relax and return to normal. I think you are having a normal response. If it lasts longer than a few weeks, you might see a therapist to help you process some of your anxiety.
My renewed awareness of the fragility of life makes me now fear that anyone around me could collapse like that at any time,
They could. Fearing won't prevent death or collapse. Fear equals anxiety. You're thinking about what could potentially happen in the future. Who is to ever know when and how, except that if we are lucky we will grow old and die. No need to cause more problems for yourself (fear, anxiety) when life is already difficult enough. Here's a philosophical idea that helps me: When we let our negative thoughts (anxiety, fear, wanting) die, we are more prepared for death. We have been practicing all along. Here's a simpler idea: Your friend lived. She didn't die. Could have but didn't. Take that information, accept it, and move on and live your life.
Furthermore, I don't feel comfortable physically exerting myself as much as before (e.g., while biking) because I feel heart palpitations or a tightening in my chest, and I'm afraid of triggering a heart attack or cardiac arrest.
You might look at it this way: Not exerting yourself and remaining sedentary causes palpitations, increased HR, and can even contribute to irregular rhythms. Exercising conditions your heart, keeps your heart rate regular, and over time creates a stronger, more productive beat. Exercise also keeps coronary arteries open. So if you fear heart problems and heart disease, you're better off exercising.
Peace and love.
posted by loveandhappiness at 5:18 AM on December 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
My renewed awareness of the fragility of life makes me now fear that anyone around me could collapse like that at any time,
They could. Fearing won't prevent death or collapse. Fear equals anxiety. You're thinking about what could potentially happen in the future. Who is to ever know when and how, except that if we are lucky we will grow old and die. No need to cause more problems for yourself (fear, anxiety) when life is already difficult enough. Here's a philosophical idea that helps me: When we let our negative thoughts (anxiety, fear, wanting) die, we are more prepared for death. We have been practicing all along. Here's a simpler idea: Your friend lived. She didn't die. Could have but didn't. Take that information, accept it, and move on and live your life.
Furthermore, I don't feel comfortable physically exerting myself as much as before (e.g., while biking) because I feel heart palpitations or a tightening in my chest, and I'm afraid of triggering a heart attack or cardiac arrest.
You might look at it this way: Not exerting yourself and remaining sedentary causes palpitations, increased HR, and can even contribute to irregular rhythms. Exercising conditions your heart, keeps your heart rate regular, and over time creates a stronger, more productive beat. Exercise also keeps coronary arteries open. So if you fear heart problems and heart disease, you're better off exercising.
Peace and love.
posted by loveandhappiness at 5:18 AM on December 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
Datarose,
As promised, the personal side:
Being a paramedic for 27 years I have worked many a cardiac arrest, done the CPR, shocked or not shocked, opened airways, pushed meds, failed or revived, nearly always failing. And feeling varying degrees of connection to the patients or the surviving families.
None of it prepared me emotionally to do CPR on my infant daughter.
Like you I have relived the experience thousands of times, replayed it in my mind and seen her limp and cyanotic, heard my wife's voice on the phone with 911, felt her tiny chest in my hands, nearly fainted with relief at the first faint cry that showed she was breathing again.
Like you I have wondered "what if?" and felt panic over how differently things could have gone. I tear up every time I recall her older sister (herself a toddler just learning to talk) asking where the baby went. When she came back from the hospital I checked her breathing compulsively, many times a night. I still do. She's a first grader now, but any time I am up in the night, I stop in the girls' bedroom and confirm that they're both OK, both breathing.
I don't often mention her to my CPR classes. But every once in a while, when I think someone needs the real-life illustration, when I think the story will make a difference, I confide in them. In some ways it's hard to talk about. In some ways it's hard to stop.
You mention an increased awareness of how attached you are to your loved ones. Good! No, it's not great that it was such a frightful, traumatic event that brought you to it. But for goodness sake, treasure those loved ones. Hope that they will be with you for years and years and years, but love them all the harder for knowing that life is fleeting. Don't waste a minute of that love. If the event was horrifying and hurtful, then ask yourself what small bit of good you can wring from that hurt. Knowing how attached you are to your loved ones and what they truly mean to you is that good part.
Channel your fear into something constructive. Take a CPR course if you haven't already. Then take the instructor course and start spreading the knowledge everywhere you can. Push for AEDs in public places. If you're in a store or stadium or hotel and can't see one, ask the management where it is. If they don't have one, ask why not?
If you have time to take an EMT course as InkaLomax suggested, better yet. Or the C.E.R.T. disaster training, or anything to prepare for emergencies. Stock a first aid kit and keep it in your car. Put a smaller one in your backpack or purse. Learn how to use it. Stop and help.
Good luck, Datarose. You are dealing with something very hard. Get the help you need and deserve, and get it right away. Your feelings are normal, but they're also damaging. Getting help with the PTSD can put you on the road to recovery so much sooner.
posted by wjm at 5:56 AM on December 18, 2018 [24 favorites]
As promised, the personal side:
Being a paramedic for 27 years I have worked many a cardiac arrest, done the CPR, shocked or not shocked, opened airways, pushed meds, failed or revived, nearly always failing. And feeling varying degrees of connection to the patients or the surviving families.
None of it prepared me emotionally to do CPR on my infant daughter.
Like you I have relived the experience thousands of times, replayed it in my mind and seen her limp and cyanotic, heard my wife's voice on the phone with 911, felt her tiny chest in my hands, nearly fainted with relief at the first faint cry that showed she was breathing again.
Like you I have wondered "what if?" and felt panic over how differently things could have gone. I tear up every time I recall her older sister (herself a toddler just learning to talk) asking where the baby went. When she came back from the hospital I checked her breathing compulsively, many times a night. I still do. She's a first grader now, but any time I am up in the night, I stop in the girls' bedroom and confirm that they're both OK, both breathing.
I don't often mention her to my CPR classes. But every once in a while, when I think someone needs the real-life illustration, when I think the story will make a difference, I confide in them. In some ways it's hard to talk about. In some ways it's hard to stop.
You mention an increased awareness of how attached you are to your loved ones. Good! No, it's not great that it was such a frightful, traumatic event that brought you to it. But for goodness sake, treasure those loved ones. Hope that they will be with you for years and years and years, but love them all the harder for knowing that life is fleeting. Don't waste a minute of that love. If the event was horrifying and hurtful, then ask yourself what small bit of good you can wring from that hurt. Knowing how attached you are to your loved ones and what they truly mean to you is that good part.
Channel your fear into something constructive. Take a CPR course if you haven't already. Then take the instructor course and start spreading the knowledge everywhere you can. Push for AEDs in public places. If you're in a store or stadium or hotel and can't see one, ask the management where it is. If they don't have one, ask why not?
If you have time to take an EMT course as InkaLomax suggested, better yet. Or the C.E.R.T. disaster training, or anything to prepare for emergencies. Stock a first aid kit and keep it in your car. Put a smaller one in your backpack or purse. Learn how to use it. Stop and help.
Good luck, Datarose. You are dealing with something very hard. Get the help you need and deserve, and get it right away. Your feelings are normal, but they're also damaging. Getting help with the PTSD can put you on the road to recovery so much sooner.
posted by wjm at 5:56 AM on December 18, 2018 [24 favorites]
We had a traumatic event happen in our house and I can say that you need time. I'd say it took three months for the hypervigillance to ramp down to a tolerable level.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:58 AM on December 18, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 5:58 AM on December 18, 2018 [6 favorites]
I'm so sorry this happened to you and glad that your friend is recovering! It must have been a shock, and it's no wonder that returning to the place where you witnessed this caused you some major anxiety. These are common reactions to a trauma, and you absolutely deserve to have help with how you're feeling now.
This is exactly the kind of thing that a short-term (ie, 1-2 month) engagement with a therapist can help. Most therapists offer free phone consultations first, and you can explain exactly what happened and tell them you need help managing your anxiety in the aftermath. You might try someone who has training in CBT, who can help you figure out in-the-moment strategies for, e.g., stopping the ruminations. You can try asking your friends for recommendations, or look on Psychology Today, where you can sort listings by gender, zip code, etc.
posted by CiaoMela at 6:39 AM on December 18, 2018
This is exactly the kind of thing that a short-term (ie, 1-2 month) engagement with a therapist can help. Most therapists offer free phone consultations first, and you can explain exactly what happened and tell them you need help managing your anxiety in the aftermath. You might try someone who has training in CBT, who can help you figure out in-the-moment strategies for, e.g., stopping the ruminations. You can try asking your friends for recommendations, or look on Psychology Today, where you can sort listings by gender, zip code, etc.
posted by CiaoMela at 6:39 AM on December 18, 2018
There are tested techniques for wrangling with trauma before it even becomes post-trauma; it's best to work with a pro to first learn them but then you'll be able to apply them routinely in your life in the future (within reason, obviously - nothing wrong with a re-up with a trained professional again later).
It's normal - in the sense that your body is programmed for it - to perseverate, be hypervigilant, have flashbacks/intrusive thoughts, feel anxiety about certain situations. The body is not great at differentiating between "all the alarms went off but I was not in danger and everything is fine now" and "predator almost got me and is probably also about to get me again". There are things you can be doing to manage this.
You should also engage in serious self-care right now - not the mani-pedi kind but highly prioritize getting the best sleep (or at least rest) as you can, eat well, hydrate, be extra careful of stimulants, take extra steps if needed to regulate your body temperature. You're recovering from a endocrinological overdose and you should treat it like you would recovery from any other serious illness or injury.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:41 AM on December 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's normal - in the sense that your body is programmed for it - to perseverate, be hypervigilant, have flashbacks/intrusive thoughts, feel anxiety about certain situations. The body is not great at differentiating between "all the alarms went off but I was not in danger and everything is fine now" and "predator almost got me and is probably also about to get me again". There are things you can be doing to manage this.
You should also engage in serious self-care right now - not the mani-pedi kind but highly prioritize getting the best sleep (or at least rest) as you can, eat well, hydrate, be extra careful of stimulants, take extra steps if needed to regulate your body temperature. You're recovering from a endocrinological overdose and you should treat it like you would recovery from any other serious illness or injury.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:41 AM on December 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
Sometimes knowledge is power. As someone who struggles with health anxiety and panic over skipped heart beats, it was very helpful for me to get checked by a cardiologist, talk about my concerns, and know that my heart is perfectly fine.
Your friend may have had a preexisting condition that you don’t have.
Also speaking to a professional can really help. I also find it helpful to browse health anxiety forums as I can see that I’m not alone in this fear and that it’s a very common fear.
Someone I knew from my community had a heart attack while surfing and I watched the paramedics rushing her out. Sadly she did not survive. I had a huge spike in my overall anxiety after. So, I can understand what you’re going through and I am sending you hugs. Feel better and be kind to yourself.
posted by christiehawk at 12:10 PM on December 18, 2018
Your friend may have had a preexisting condition that you don’t have.
Also speaking to a professional can really help. I also find it helpful to browse health anxiety forums as I can see that I’m not alone in this fear and that it’s a very common fear.
Someone I knew from my community had a heart attack while surfing and I watched the paramedics rushing her out. Sadly she did not survive. I had a huge spike in my overall anxiety after. So, I can understand what you’re going through and I am sending you hugs. Feel better and be kind to yourself.
posted by christiehawk at 12:10 PM on December 18, 2018
I had an experience similar to wjm's with my 18-month-old, except I only barely remembered my CPR course from college and could not get an airway and we were on a hike in the woods. I called 911 on my cell phone and I ran to the trailhead carrying him and shouted "MY BABY'S NOT BREATHING" and the park staff were there with the first aid kit and gloves on in about 15 seconds and began resuscitation. The ambulance arrived about 90 seconds later; the park staff had him breathing again by then. (He is fine, and seven now.)
I was suuuuuuuuper traumatized, and required ambien to sleep for a few months because otherwise I just lay there wondering if he was breathing and compulsively checking every ten minutes. I signed up for the very next CPR class the Red Cross offered, to re-up my skills and because I felt such intense gratitude to the park employees whose training saved his life that I wanted to be able to be the bystander who knew what to do the next time something like that happened. And it made me feel like I had a little more control.
I also went and spoke at the city council meeting that oversaw the ambulance service that came, and to the park board that oversaw the park employees, telling my story and emphasizing how funding for the ambulance and paramedics, and for the park employee training, was important and saving lives, and to make sure to mention those specific employees by name to their employers. Maybe there are lifesaving initiatives in your town you could speak in favor of (like AEDs in public places as mentioned above).
But yeah, it was over a year before I could bear to go back to that park.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:18 PM on December 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I was suuuuuuuuper traumatized, and required ambien to sleep for a few months because otherwise I just lay there wondering if he was breathing and compulsively checking every ten minutes. I signed up for the very next CPR class the Red Cross offered, to re-up my skills and because I felt such intense gratitude to the park employees whose training saved his life that I wanted to be able to be the bystander who knew what to do the next time something like that happened. And it made me feel like I had a little more control.
I also went and spoke at the city council meeting that oversaw the ambulance service that came, and to the park board that oversaw the park employees, telling my story and emphasizing how funding for the ambulance and paramedics, and for the park employee training, was important and saving lives, and to make sure to mention those specific employees by name to their employers. Maybe there are lifesaving initiatives in your town you could speak in favor of (like AEDs in public places as mentioned above).
But yeah, it was over a year before I could bear to go back to that park.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:18 PM on December 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by InkaLomax at 5:14 AM on December 18, 2018 [9 favorites]