My vagina can't be rushed; his penis can't wait

December 14, 2018 11:05 PM

I'm in a sex quandary and need your help. I (a woman) am seeing a lovely older man whose erections can be a little erratic. That's not a problem in itself. If he gets an erection and gets to do something with it, all is well, but if he then loses it, it generally doesn't come back. Meanwhile, I take a long while to get physically receptive to penetrative sex (and it's not just a matter of lubrication--in order to comfortably accept a penis, it just takes a sustained period of arousal for me), during which (wonderful, sexy) time the erection sometimes comes and then goes. What are your suggestions for working with this, assuming that 1) intercourse is something we both want and not another sex act, and 2) Viagra etc. is not a good option?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Any chance you can start without him, without letting him know, then by the time he catches up, you're both ready?
posted by Jubey at 12:08 AM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

Then "it generally doesn't come back" makes me wonder if it not coming back is a result of focus on one act.

i would not suggest that you forgo PiV sex, but that you make it an acceptable one of several outcomes, because by lessening the pressure for one outcome, you remove the anxiety that it happens, and potentially increase the odds of the outcome you both most want happening.
posted by zippy at 12:34 AM on December 15, 2018 [6 favorites]

There are mechanical means of sustaining an erection ie penis pump, ring.

There are sometimes specific medical reasons for ED and hopefully this has been assessed and advised upon also.
posted by chiquitita at 3:32 AM on December 15, 2018

Cockrings!
posted by fluttering hellfire at 4:47 AM on December 15, 2018

Cock rings and/or get yourself ready by masturbating for a while before the festivities begin in earnest.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:20 AM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

1.) cock rings, and
2.) I know every generation has its ideas about how sexual encounters go, but when I first started having hetero sex in millenial hippie circles it seemed like the standard protocol was for men to go down on their female partners to get them ready for PIV, or to give them at least one orgasm in case PIV didn’t do it for them. Is this something your dude would be interested in learning to do?
posted by moonlight on vermont at 5:42 AM on December 15, 2018 [11 favorites]

What sort of time-frame is “generally doesn’t come back” on? That is, if you have all evening, might it work to have sex that’s initially focused on you, but if he loses his erection, kind of stay in bed being close? Cuddle, watch TV or talk, do whatever that’s not actively having sex but is still maintaining the tone of the encounter in a no-pressure kind of way? And then if his erection comes back after an interval, you’ll plausibly still be ready to go fast enough to be in sync with him.
posted by LizardBreath at 6:12 AM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

I have experienced this with an "older" partner. For a while, we fell into a bad habit of just sticking it in right away to take advantage of the boner, which was really boring for me. But after a change in his medication and more time spent together as a couple outside of bed, the problem resolved itself.
posted by 8603 at 1:46 PM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

Yeah seconding the idea that intercourse should be preceded by cunnilingus, that would probably help both of you get to the same place.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:59 PM on December 15, 2018

Strongly suggest that you both read Come as You Are, and excellent resources on female sexuality that I read for myself and have shared with a bunch of other men and women. Good luck! Also, you can always ask Dan Savage to ask one of his experts.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:05 PM on December 16, 2018