Blue collar proverbs?

December 11, 2018 11:26 AM

I'm looking to expand my vernacular of appropriate rural American proverbs, like the things you'd hear at a crusty tavern in small town USA. Examples: No pockets on a casket. Same circus, different clowns. Don't let your tongue get your teeth knocked out.
posted by sewellcm to Writing & Language (99 answers total)

God willing and the crick don't rise.
posted by backwards compatible at 11:31 AM on December 11, 2018 [10 favorites]

It’ll never be noticed from a trotting horse

He’s got the same clothes to get glad in as he had to get mad in
posted by bunderful at 11:31 AM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

Good enough for government work.
posted by conscious matter at 11:33 AM on December 11, 2018 [9 favorites]

The first 100 years are the hardest.
posted by Melismata at 11:40 AM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

Wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one fills up first.
posted by madcaptenor at 11:40 AM on December 11, 2018 [9 favorites]

Don't fix what ain't broke.
posted by ckridge at 11:40 AM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

Pretty girl behind every tree.
posted by humboldt32 at 11:41 AM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

My Uncle Skeeter always said, "You bet your boots!" I guess that's not a proverb, exactly, but it's straight outta Gentry County, Missouri.
posted by something something at 11:44 AM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Someone said to me the other day - "So I still have sober ducks, then" which I took to mean all their ducks were in a row!
posted by needlegrrl at 11:48 AM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
posted by tuesdayschild at 11:49 AM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

Don't let the tail wag the dog.
How you get 'em is how you lose 'em.
Not my monkeys, not my circus.
Meaner than a striped* legged mule. *pronounced like stripe-ed
Uglier than a mud fence.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 11:50 AM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

It is what it is.
posted by HeyAllie at 11:51 AM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]

One of my soldiers once said, "If you can [noteworthy accomplishment], you've killed a bear." I've used it ever since.
posted by Etrigan at 11:52 AM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

Don't write a check that your ass can't cash.
posted by soren_lorensen at 12:05 PM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

I feel like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
posted by AugustWest at 12:11 PM on December 11, 2018 [11 favorites]

Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.
posted by dr. boludo at 12:11 PM on December 11, 2018 [13 favorites]

He acts like his shit don't stink.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 12:18 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

A popular one in Maine: Just because your cat has kittens in the oven, that doesn't make them biscuits.

In other words: Your having been born in Maine doesn't make you a Mainer.
posted by virago at 12:20 PM on December 11, 2018 [10 favorites]

Depends what you mean by "appropriate" I suppose. No swears?

Don't shit in my mouth and call it a Sunday.

If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bust his ass a-hoppin'.

Just fine, finer than frog hair.

There's different kinds of smart.

He's really feeling his oats.

Wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one fills up first.
I always respond to this with "Huh, what if I was wishing for a handful of shit?"
posted by aspersioncast at 12:21 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

That dog don't hunt - that is stupid ass idea
he is all hat and no cattle - all talk with nothing to show for it
It ain't my first rodeo - been there done that
You can bet the farm on it it's a sure thing
Can't beat that with a stick - doesn't get any better than that
posted by domino at 12:22 PM on December 11, 2018 [11 favorites]

Fit to be tied.

Happy as a pig in shit.

Hollering like a jackass.

Meaner than a one-legged mule.

Crooked as a wooden nickel.
posted by aspersioncast at 12:23 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts,
we'd all have a merry (fucking) christmas

He don't know his ass from a hole in the ground

He can't tell shit from shinola

I went ass over tincups (ie. head over heels).
posted by 445supermag at 12:23 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: RE: aspersioncast -- swears are fine, I mostly mean the hyper sexist stuff that seems to also be common in taverns.
posted by sewellcm at 12:24 PM on December 11, 2018

Busier than a cat covering shit.
Busier than a one-armed paperhanger.
posted by 445supermag at 12:24 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

My mom was so judgemental about appearance if in public we encountered anyone in a unusual outfit or unusual in anyway she'd whisper to me about it. When I was with my dad and I'd see someone like that I'd look up at my dad for a reaction, and he'd always say the same thing:
"It takes all kinds" For a conservative old guy born in the 20s-- he was pretty awesome.
posted by beccaj at 12:25 PM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

Just captured in the wild, from that down home girl Nancy Pelosi: "You get into a tinkle contest with a skunk, you get tinkle all over you."
posted by ckridge at 12:25 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

Of an obvious fact: "Is a frog waterproof?"
posted by Countess Elena at 12:32 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

He couldn't find his own ass with both hands.
Rode hard and put up wet. (than one is not sexist, instead its animal cruelty)
posted by 445supermag at 12:34 PM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]

Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:35 PM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]

Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out.
(when someone says they're pissed off) Better pissed off than pissed on.
posted by 445supermag at 12:37 PM on December 11, 2018 [4 favorites]

I didn't notice "appropriate". So replace "shit" with "spit" in the one I gave above.
posted by madcaptenor at 12:37 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

From Richard Pryor: "He couldn't poor piss out of a boot with the directions on the bottom."
posted by conscious matter at 12:41 PM on December 11, 2018 [5 favorites]

Courtesy my rural-Nebraska grandfather: on payday, you announce "the eagle shits today."
posted by the phlegmatic king at 12:53 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

Not gonna set the world on fire with looks.
posted by bunderful at 12:54 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

If it was a snake, it woulda bit ya.

To be used when the thing you’re looking for is right in front of your face.
posted by oomny at 12:58 PM on December 11, 2018 [8 favorites]

"they'd give the dog's ass the heartburn"

- my grandfather, upstate New York operating engineer
posted by gyusan at 12:58 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

People in hell want ice water. (My parents, when I said I wanted something they weren't inclined to give me.)
posted by FencingGal at 1:07 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

Working harder than a cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor

(Possibly that is from the venture bros tho)
posted by schadenfrau at 1:09 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

A man or woman with a belt too tight, and a lot going on above and below the belt:

(s)he looks like a feather-bed tied in the middle with a string.
posted by anastasiav at 1:12 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

From my FIL after driving on icy roads: It was slicker than deer guts on a glass doorknob. (Maybe he made that one up himself?)
posted by Botanizer at 1:20 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

Common expression in construction, either making fun of yourself for being resigned to someshortcut or bad work you just did, or when you don't care about the job quality (apparently):
"Can't see it from MY house"
posted by twoplussix at 1:29 PM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]

If you ain't bleedin', stop cryin'.

He's a real pistol.

He couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag.

Must be a spider barking (said of flatulence).
posted by aspersioncast at 1:31 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

>Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
>posted by Faint of Butt

Eponysterical...

Also, my parents from Idaho had a few. "Hold your horses" meaning "now wait a minute" or "calm down," and "cool your jets" meaning much the same, though that one may be from Air Force families.
posted by panhopticon at 1:40 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

The hardest work to do is nothing.
The quickest way to do many things it to do one thing at a time.
Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Thick and blue, tried and true. Thin or crispy, way too risky. (ice safety)
No such thing as a free lunch.
posted by thefang at 1:43 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

As out of place as a turd in a punchbowl.

Full as a tick.

If you're waitin' on me, you're backin' up.
posted by TwoToneRow at 1:43 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

All kippers and curtains - putting on a show of wealth while economising frantically elsewhere.
All mouth and trousers - a blowhard or big mouth with nothing to back it up.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 1:45 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

I've got no dog in this fight/no horse in this race.

Piss or get off the pot.
posted by basalganglia at 1:46 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

When I was a young teenager, my soccer teammate said some kind of disparaging thing about the romantic prospects of some girl in the parking lot at the field. I don't remember what he said, but I do remember that his father, who was our coach and an electrician in rural Ohio, said immediately and firmly, "Fat girls need love too."

It's not exactly what you're looking for, but I have never forgotten it. Fat girls *do* need love too. Everyone does.
posted by Kwine at 1:49 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

A hand full of gimme, and a mouth full of "much obliged".
posted by JimDe at 1:51 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

No great loss without some small gain. (courtesy of Pa Ingalls)

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
posted by kestralwing at 2:12 PM on December 11, 2018

Not exactly a proverb, but how my grandfather used to identify a class of person: ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag.
posted by ckridge at 2:15 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

How could I forget?

Oh, fuck him and the horse he rode in on.
posted by kestralwing at 2:16 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

Born on third base, thinks he hit a triple.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:22 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

Just heard this recently, courtesy of a Texan friend. In response to "we'll [do this thing/make this commitment], when not interested in participating, "You and the squirrel in your pocket?"
posted by kate4914 at 2:23 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Piss or get off the pot.

Also, fish or cut bait

--

See a man about a horse
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 2:52 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

Like steppin' on baby chickens. (Something easy to do)
That's a self-eatin' watermelon. (Something that takes care of itself)
All cats are black at night. (Your situation might look better in the morning.)
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:55 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride;
If horseshit was money, we'd all be supplied.

He'd steal the pennies off a dead man's eyes.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:04 PM on December 11, 2018

"The devil's beating his wife" for when the sun in shining and it's raining at the same time (so far I've only encountered people from the south or near-ish to the south that know this one.)

Really difficult or impossible things are like "pulling the teeth of a hen" because hens don't have teeth (I use this one all the time!)

I wouldn't say these two are blue collar - I think they're pretty ubiquitous, or at any rate I've heard them from all sorts - common denominator is more where the speaker grew up and when, rather than socio-economic for these two, in my experience anyway.
posted by elgee at 3:08 PM on December 11, 2018

My Texan dentist once described a terrible job on a crown that a previous dentist had done with, "That fit about as well as boots on a rooster."
posted by TwoStride at 3:09 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

Trying to get a bunch of busy people to agree to a meeting time/place: It's like herding cats

When asked an obvious question: Is the Pope Catholic?

Talking about someone who isn't very smart/lacks common sense: Ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer

No idea what this one means, but it sounds dirty: Can't teach your grandmother to suck eggs
posted by basalganglia at 3:29 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

A slightly more modern version of "all hat no cattle" I heard in downstate Illinois: "All Carhartt, no crops." Particularly for politicians pretending to be down-home farmer boys, who wouldn't know corn from soybeans, but definitely bought the outfit! (Particularly applies to Illinois's soon-to-be-gone Governor Rauner. He loved him some Carhartt.)

There's several variations of "don't measure my corn by your [short] bushel," which implies that the guy with the short bushel is a cheat and always trying to short people. You particularly deploy it when the cheater manages to cheat himself by assuming everyone is a cheat -- "he measured my corn by his bushel and so came up short." Like, say in a local political debate there was a principled side (let's keep the toxic waste dump out but not get the quick money) and a quick money side, and the cheat assumes everyone else is as greedy and craven as he is (and just lying about it to sound good) so allies himself with the quick-money toxic-dump people and even invests in the scheme, and the town votes down the toxic dump because several of the town fathers were actually voting on principle, and the cheater gets screwed. "He measured our corn by his bushel, so he came up short." He thinks I'm as bad as he is.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:30 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

"No idea what this one means, but it sounds dirty: Can't teach your grandmother to suck eggs"

Your grandmother already knows how to suck eggs; stop mansplaining to her about a topic of her expertise!
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 3:32 PM on December 11, 2018 [13 favorites]

It just flew all over me - it really bothered me
Don't run over nothin' you cain't eat - said as a farewell.
posted by Illuminated Clocks at 3:54 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're built upside down.

Useless as a screen door on a submarine.
posted by ClingClang at 4:06 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Where I grew up (NJ) you'd say "he came running lickety-split" but my mother (MA) would say "lickety-cut".

A friend once said "She had a face that would make a train take back road". I don't know if that's a old expression or if he made it up on the spot.
posted by SemiSalt at 4:17 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

She’s got to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral. (In reference to a tireless attention hog.)
posted by kate blank at 4:21 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

So as a certified professional ethnographer of small town Texas bee joints, here’s my favorite:

“Never put your finger where you wouldn’t put your face.”
posted by spitbull at 4:23 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

There are some expressions that are common in the gun culture including the gun/knife fight one mentioned above. A couple of others are:

Better to be judged by twelve than carried by six. (About self-defense and the possible legal consequences).

Two is one, and one is none. (Meaning that reliance on one gun is a risk since they are not 100% reliable, so have two.) This is also usually in a self-defense context.
posted by SemiSalt at 4:24 PM on December 11, 2018

Gotta go shake hands with the guv'ner. (I need to use the restroom.)
posted by SuperSquirrel at 4:36 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

My friend from Kentucky, when ready to party, says “It’s on like neckbone!” And not even he can explain why.
posted by greermahoney at 4:44 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Slower than molasses in January.

My husband and I are having a dispute about this one, which I think is just a thing everybody says but he insists is a ruralism: "Go pound sand," which means "fuck off."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:59 PM on December 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

She’s got to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral. (In reference to a tireless attention hog.)

Alice Roosevelt once said of her father Teddy that he had to be the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral, and the baby at every christening.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:26 PM on December 11, 2018 [6 favorites]

Said to someone who is about to drive somewhere: "keep it between the ditches!"

A friend of mine would always comment on seeing a hitchhiker looking for a ride: "He knew he was walkin' when he left the house."
posted by TwoToneRow at 6:50 PM on December 11, 2018

me at my second rodeo

My grandad would laconically say “A short pencil is better than a long memory”.
posted by a halcyon day at 7:02 PM on December 11, 2018

One of my Mom's favorites: "Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with hives"
And the perennial insult "south end of a northbound horse"
posted by aimedwander at 7:30 PM on December 11, 2018

Same shit, different piles.
posted by Hypatia at 8:15 PM on December 11, 2018

"Patagucci"

Diparagrement of Patagonia clothes in a Carhart environment.

"Patagonia/North Face kid shit."

People who buy a $400 snow suit for an 18 month old kid.

"She/he went to Harvard."

Disparagement for someone who is book smart and life stupid. Kind of like, "He went to college where he learned half of nothing useful."

"He aint a cowboy, he just bought the hat and ranch."

I remember a few years ago having lunch with some out-of-staters and the adult woman was proudly wearing a bright pink cowboy hat. The only women who wear pink cowboy hats in Montana are rodeo queens taking a lap in the arena and Californians who are here for a week.
posted by ITravelMontana at 8:38 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

I picked these up when I worked in west TX, from my boss who was a good old boy from Weatherford:

Well if that don’t beat a goose-a-peckin’!
That’ll make your socks roll up & down.
He’s tighter than a bull’s ass at fly time.
posted by DiscourseMarker at 8:44 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Remarking on one's own poor craftsmanship in construction: "Looks good from my house."
"Don't let your mouth write a check your ass can't cash."
Going to the restroom: "I'll be in my office, doing the paperwork."
Plumber, on stink etc.: "Smells like money." "Shit's our bread and butter."
Falling/tumbling: "Ass over teakettle"
posted by cnidaria at 9:06 PM on December 11, 2018

"Go pound sand" - definitely a regionalism.
Ditto "happy as a clam," although that might be more widespread.

The hen's teeth variant I know is simpler: rare as hen's teeth.
posted by aspersioncast at 9:13 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

In WY I've heard defecation referred to as "making baby Texans," which always seemed unnecessarily rude (although that's sorta par for the course).
posted by aspersioncast at 9:15 PM on December 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

Not a neat job, but a strong one - as the devil said when he tied the bull's tail to the log chain.

Looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

(Both from the foothills of the Blue Ridge.)
posted by wjm at 10:18 PM on December 11, 2018

That's out where Jesus lost his shoes. (for something in a very rural area, very far away)
It's like being the tallest short man in the circus. (For an accomplishment that isn't really impressive.)

From Southern Illinois!
posted by quadrilaterals at 11:40 PM on December 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

"Farthest first, lightest last" - regarding the order in which tasks should be done.

I'm not positive I didn't make this one up by combining a couple of my grandpa's longer-winded maxims.
posted by aspersioncast at 6:27 AM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

In WY I've heard defecation referred to as "making baby Texans," which always seemed unnecessarily rude (although that's sorta par for the course).
posted by aspersioncast at 12:15 AM on December 12 [+] [!]

I heard it as, "I am going to give birth to a Texan." I was in Oklahoma at the time.
posted by AugustWest at 7:05 AM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

My father had a thousand of these:

Slicker than goose shit through a tin horn.
Dumber than a bag of wet hammers
I'm so full I could turn my tongue back and dabble in it.
I'm so hungry, my stomach thinks my throat's been cut.
Slower than Christ's return.
It it was a snake, it would have bit me. (Looking for something that's right under your nose, whcih was eventually shortened to "Snakes."
Too poor to pay attention.

A friend once said "She had a face that would make a train take back road". I don't know if that's a old expression or if he made it up on the spot.
My dad alwasy said dirt road, but yeah. It's a real expression.
posted by teleri025 at 8:28 AM on December 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

all stove up (broken)
posted by danjo at 8:33 AM on December 12, 2018

That's out where Jesus lost his shoes. (for something in a very rural area, very far away)

Known in my family as "Way out in East Bejesus."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:48 AM on December 12, 2018

Alice Roosevelt once said of her father Teddy that he had to be the bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral, and the baby at every christening.

Amazing! I had no idea that was the origin of the quote. It's perfect.
posted by kate blank at 8:54 AM on December 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

In WY I've heard defecation referred to as "making baby Texans,"

Common bathroom graffiti:

"Here I sit, on the pooper
Giving birth to a [this] State Trooper"
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:23 AM on December 12, 2018

In reference to something good but not necessarily ideal: "better than a sharp stick in the eye"
posted by aimedwander at 1:29 PM on December 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

"Better than a poke in the eye" (mediocre)

"Well, shit fire and save matches!" (general-purpose exclamation of surprise or wonder)

"a mile past nowhere" or "the back end of X" or "Nowhere, X" (a very remote part of X)

"many hands make light work"

"idle hands do the devil's work"

"good as tits on a boar" (useless)

"slow is smooth, smooth is fast" (in New York City that reads more as gun nut than rural)

"sharpest memory can't beat a dull pencil"

"built like a brick shithouse" (very muscular)

"go pound sand" I've heard in New York City. I had no idea that was supposed to be rural.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 8:18 PM on December 12, 2018

Keep your stick on the ice.
My FIL would say--I'd rather have a rat in my mouth.
See you in the funny papers.
A horse a piece is like 6 of one, half a dozen is another.
posted by Nosey Mrs. Rat at 10:00 PM on December 12, 2018

Similar to that skunk one, "Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig likes it." (Funny enough, the internet says this is a George Bernard Shaw quote...I was introduced to it when I moved South.)
posted by ifjuly at 9:51 AM on December 13, 2018

"Throwing money up a wild hog's ass." Can use as an analogy to mean an unreasonable outcome or a poor use of resources.
posted by Gino on the Meta at 10:38 AM on December 13, 2018

Stubborn as a mule

No more sense than god gave a goose
posted by bunderful at 6:14 PM on December 13, 2018

I had totally forgotten this one. Grandma always said, "Only pigs eat and then go to sleep." It was her way of saying, get off your butts and help with the dishes.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:25 PM on December 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Dumber than a bag of hammers
Stupider than a sack of hair

(“Sack of hair” especially kills me it’s so good)
posted by sestaaak at 1:20 PM on December 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

Referring to an enormous task:

"Just like eatin an elephant -- one bite at a time."
posted by cnidaria at 8:52 AM on December 19, 2018