Hair autonomy for kids
December 9, 2018 8:49 AM Subscribe
Parents of school-age-or-older children with long hair (esp. difficult hair), how and when did you transition between the parent handling washing/ upkeep/ styling and the kid taking over all of it? In particular, any ideas for rolling with a hair beginner's normal learning curve while still keeping the outcome fairly presentable for going out in public?
The hair of specific interest to me is intermediate-difficulty: mid-back length, medium thickness, stick-straight and very very fine, with a dull/grippy rather than silky texture (a porosity issue, I'm guessing?). It does OK in tight braids or ponytails, but snarls pretty badly if left down for any period of time; if styles are loose, it tends to slide out into flyaways or knot up into mats at contact points. Some scalp flaking issues that we're looking into.
All of these mean that while the reins need to be handed to Kid at some point, I worry about the break-in stage, where hair might be sort of washed, but not well, or shampoo sort of rinsed, but not completely; or where the morning's loose, inexpert ponytail devolves into a ratty mess by midday. Nobody in the equation is particularly a hair micromanager or a perfectionist, but the hair itself doesn't seem to be of the forgiving, wash-and-wear variety that some other kids have. Kid is not at all open to the possibility of short hair.
Any perspectives on processes/ structures/ steps that worked in your household? Would really appreciate some models for negotiating this successfully!
The hair of specific interest to me is intermediate-difficulty: mid-back length, medium thickness, stick-straight and very very fine, with a dull/grippy rather than silky texture (a porosity issue, I'm guessing?). It does OK in tight braids or ponytails, but snarls pretty badly if left down for any period of time; if styles are loose, it tends to slide out into flyaways or knot up into mats at contact points. Some scalp flaking issues that we're looking into.
All of these mean that while the reins need to be handed to Kid at some point, I worry about the break-in stage, where hair might be sort of washed, but not well, or shampoo sort of rinsed, but not completely; or where the morning's loose, inexpert ponytail devolves into a ratty mess by midday. Nobody in the equation is particularly a hair micromanager or a perfectionist, but the hair itself doesn't seem to be of the forgiving, wash-and-wear variety that some other kids have. Kid is not at all open to the possibility of short hair.
Any perspectives on processes/ structures/ steps that worked in your household? Would really appreciate some models for negotiating this successfully!
Same as any other skill: he practices for your review until you're satisfied.
So if you're currently washing it, then some nights (maybe not school nights, if that would give you more time) he starts washing it himself. Then you check his work and fix or finish the job for him if necessary. When he's able to wash on his own reliably, then that's a thing he can do before school.
Same for combing, braiding, etc., although I recommend introducing those separately so he doesn't have to learn lots of new skills simultaneously. You don't want him to think of hair care as this 2-3 hour slog that he can never get right.
For stuff where it's not immediately obvious whether it's been done right (or, wouldn't be immediately obvious to him, even if you can tell), you can let him do it first on weekends when it's okay for his braid to start coming loose around lunchtime.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 9:05 AM on December 9, 2018 [6 favorites]
So if you're currently washing it, then some nights (maybe not school nights, if that would give you more time) he starts washing it himself. Then you check his work and fix or finish the job for him if necessary. When he's able to wash on his own reliably, then that's a thing he can do before school.
Same for combing, braiding, etc., although I recommend introducing those separately so he doesn't have to learn lots of new skills simultaneously. You don't want him to think of hair care as this 2-3 hour slog that he can never get right.
For stuff where it's not immediately obvious whether it's been done right (or, wouldn't be immediately obvious to him, even if you can tell), you can let him do it first on weekends when it's okay for his braid to start coming loose around lunchtime.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 9:05 AM on December 9, 2018 [6 favorites]
Don’t put them in charge of all styling and washing at the same time. Pick one and start with that under parental supervision until they get it right, then let them do it independently, then add another element. Or you could have them master one step of, say, hair washing at a time before moving on to the next one. It might involve a fair amount of coaching on your part but that won’t go on forever.
You can also look up chaining techniques in the context of Applied Behavior Analysis for a detailed description of how to implement the above technique. (Sorry, linking on the phone isn’t working for me.) Good luck, and thank you for trying to figure out how to set your kiddo up for success. My fine, easily-matted hair caused my mom and me unbelievable amounts of stress.
posted by corey flood at 9:07 AM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
You can also look up chaining techniques in the context of Applied Behavior Analysis for a detailed description of how to implement the above technique. (Sorry, linking on the phone isn’t working for me.) Good luck, and thank you for trying to figure out how to set your kiddo up for success. My fine, easily-matted hair caused my mom and me unbelievable amounts of stress.
posted by corey flood at 9:07 AM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
Some of it is letting go of the perfect outcome in the name of independence, but I have not found that a straight break between parental to kid control all that useful. Young kid, now 9, does more and more of her own hair care, but there are sometimes daily check-ins, and if she wants her hair braided then I do it. Her mid-back length hair tangles easily and is very fly away, but consistent, thorough brushing and a pony tail are mostly sufficient. She can put her hair in a pony tail, and that's a good independent goal to reach.
Occasionally an adult needs to get in there and get out knots. And sometimes her hair gets really matted, and I wonder "did we let it go to long without checking in?", and while that might be true, I have personally noticed that it got horribly matted in like a 5-hour time period. She's just lucky I guess!
Older kid is truly hair independent, but again, if she wants a more elaborate hair style she still would need assistance, but know she's more likely to ask a friend.
The transition definitely involved lots of talk about how to get their hair properly clean and rinsed. Good rinsing seemed a more difficult concept, and then they both had moments where they way over applied conditioner, so we also talked about appropriate amounts of conditioner and to focus more on the ends then the scalp. In the beginning I would sit in the bathroom with kid and just talk, or lightly assist in seeing if the hair was rinsed well enough. Because younger kid's hair is medium level of difficulty on the care scale I would say that I brushed her hair every night until she was 8, but there again, was a transition in that time that she brushed first, then me.
posted by dawg-proud at 9:11 AM on December 9, 2018
Occasionally an adult needs to get in there and get out knots. And sometimes her hair gets really matted, and I wonder "did we let it go to long without checking in?", and while that might be true, I have personally noticed that it got horribly matted in like a 5-hour time period. She's just lucky I guess!
Older kid is truly hair independent, but again, if she wants a more elaborate hair style she still would need assistance, but know she's more likely to ask a friend.
The transition definitely involved lots of talk about how to get their hair properly clean and rinsed. Good rinsing seemed a more difficult concept, and then they both had moments where they way over applied conditioner, so we also talked about appropriate amounts of conditioner and to focus more on the ends then the scalp. In the beginning I would sit in the bathroom with kid and just talk, or lightly assist in seeing if the hair was rinsed well enough. Because younger kid's hair is medium level of difficulty on the care scale I would say that I brushed her hair every night until she was 8, but there again, was a transition in that time that she brushed first, then me.
posted by dawg-proud at 9:11 AM on December 9, 2018
My oldest daughter has very long hair and found the "mutal grooming" aspect to be very calming so we kept it going as long as we could.
From about age 9 she was allowed to do it herself weekends which gave her some freedom to feel independent and explore her identity, but school days were still a parenting thing until she was about 11. And as mentioned by a pseudostrabismus the weapon of choice was a Tangle Teezer to neaten it all and then a french plait or just a simple pony tail to keep it neat.
Interestingly she has somewhat come back to being our responsibility now she is 13 as she wants to use a fancy hair dyer that does "more" than just dry the hair (its not my area of expertise) or heated straighteners.
She has a brown spot on the carpet in her room where the hair dyer was left running on the floor, so now she has to use the one in our bedroom under supervision. And the straighteners were found left running on a vanity unit (thankfully a glass topped one) after she had left for school, so they've been removed altogether. As a result she is now doing the hair quickly herself in a weekday and when she wants to style it in a particular way, ie the weekend, she is doing it with her mum again.
posted by samworm at 9:36 AM on December 9, 2018
From about age 9 she was allowed to do it herself weekends which gave her some freedom to feel independent and explore her identity, but school days were still a parenting thing until she was about 11. And as mentioned by a pseudostrabismus the weapon of choice was a Tangle Teezer to neaten it all and then a french plait or just a simple pony tail to keep it neat.
Interestingly she has somewhat come back to being our responsibility now she is 13 as she wants to use a fancy hair dyer that does "more" than just dry the hair (its not my area of expertise) or heated straighteners.
She has a brown spot on the carpet in her room where the hair dyer was left running on the floor, so now she has to use the one in our bedroom under supervision. And the straighteners were found left running on a vanity unit (thankfully a glass topped one) after she had left for school, so they've been removed altogether. As a result she is now doing the hair quickly herself in a weekday and when she wants to style it in a particular way, ie the weekend, she is doing it with her mum again.
posted by samworm at 9:36 AM on December 9, 2018
Hah, that's my hair! (Although I tend more towards silky rather than grippy, though I think that's a result of my hair-care tactics.)
I definitely was washing and styling myself around middle school, but not very well. I was very tenderheaded as a child, and for extended Reasons I won't go into here, my mother didn't really have social resources to ask about how to take care of my hair. (This was before the internet, but I'm not convinced she would have known to look that up?) As a result, my hair was kinda gross, and developed huge mats from sleeping on it. Weirdly enough, the solution was my peer group. A girl who I did not get on with in any way found the mats in my hair at one point, and just flat-out told me to braid my hair before bed every night. Looking back, she was super non-judgemental about it, and I'm kind of blown away that someone I had a borderline bullying relationship with was...really kind? I am now 36 and still put my hair up most nights, which keeps it nice and not tangled or ratty.
I guess the point of all of this is -- a) it's okay. It will be okay. b) given the proper information (so easy these days! Oh my god!), techniques, and some decent conditioner, I would definitely have been taking care of my own hair around the time I was 10 or so. Even with my hair mats, I was meeting basic societal expectations for appearance while going through this stage, though, so there's that at least. And c) the child's peers can be a surprising source of age-appropriate techniques and tools! Also feedback if they are not meeting societal expectations, but that's considerably more fraught and probably not a good thing to rely on.
posted by kalimac at 10:04 AM on December 9, 2018 [7 favorites]
I definitely was washing and styling myself around middle school, but not very well. I was very tenderheaded as a child, and for extended Reasons I won't go into here, my mother didn't really have social resources to ask about how to take care of my hair. (This was before the internet, but I'm not convinced she would have known to look that up?) As a result, my hair was kinda gross, and developed huge mats from sleeping on it. Weirdly enough, the solution was my peer group. A girl who I did not get on with in any way found the mats in my hair at one point, and just flat-out told me to braid my hair before bed every night. Looking back, she was super non-judgemental about it, and I'm kind of blown away that someone I had a borderline bullying relationship with was...really kind? I am now 36 and still put my hair up most nights, which keeps it nice and not tangled or ratty.
I guess the point of all of this is -- a) it's okay. It will be okay. b) given the proper information (so easy these days! Oh my god!), techniques, and some decent conditioner, I would definitely have been taking care of my own hair around the time I was 10 or so. Even with my hair mats, I was meeting basic societal expectations for appearance while going through this stage, though, so there's that at least. And c) the child's peers can be a surprising source of age-appropriate techniques and tools! Also feedback if they are not meeting societal expectations, but that's considerably more fraught and probably not a good thing to rely on.
posted by kalimac at 10:04 AM on December 9, 2018 [7 favorites]
Kid is not at all open to the possibility of short hair.
When I was in elementary school, my mom’s rule was that I could only have long hair if I took good care of it and regularly brushed/combed it. So I had short hair, and I didn’t like it, and didn’t learn.
When I was eleven, I wanted a perm, and Mom agreed I could get one if I practiced good hair care for a month. That worked, and that was about when the responsibility for my hair completely switched over. So cool hair-related incentives might work.
Middle school is often when peer pressure really kicks in and kids take a lot more grooming into their own hands. Depends a bit on the specific kid, though.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:00 AM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
When I was in elementary school, my mom’s rule was that I could only have long hair if I took good care of it and regularly brushed/combed it. So I had short hair, and I didn’t like it, and didn’t learn.
When I was eleven, I wanted a perm, and Mom agreed I could get one if I practiced good hair care for a month. That worked, and that was about when the responsibility for my hair completely switched over. So cool hair-related incentives might work.
Middle school is often when peer pressure really kicks in and kids take a lot more grooming into their own hands. Depends a bit on the specific kid, though.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:00 AM on December 9, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have this hair. What helped me was learning to pick out my hair while conditioner was in it. This made the postshower brushout much easier. I think picks have fallen out of favor for ultrawidetooth combs and my brushes were shitty(1988). If I didn't condition, I used Johnson Johnson No More Tangles.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 12:44 PM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by fluttering hellfire at 12:44 PM on December 9, 2018 [1 favorite]
I still brush my 12-year-old's hair a few times a week, to get the tangles she misses; otherwise they mat to the point that scissors are involved. We do it while watching TV and it's a nice bit of bonding; I'll keep doing it as long as she lets me.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:40 PM on December 9, 2018
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:40 PM on December 9, 2018
I have extremely thick, wavy hair. Like so thick that LITERALLY every stylist who has ever cut my hair from ages 2-now has commented extensively on it. I learned to wash my own hair long long before I could put it in a ponytail myself. I would say my mom still put my hair up through... 8th grade? I know that sounds ridiculous but I liked a high, smooth ponytail and my hands just weren’t big and coordinated enough to do it.
So I agree with others who say the washing and the styling can be handled separately, in whichever combo makes sense for you and kiddo.
posted by raspberrE at 1:59 PM on December 9, 2018
So I agree with others who say the washing and the styling can be handled separately, in whichever combo makes sense for you and kiddo.
posted by raspberrE at 1:59 PM on December 9, 2018
I had short hair until about age 7 because I didn't want to (couldn't?) deal with the upkeep or untangling of long hair. The rule was that if I wasn't going to take care of it, I couldn't have it. After that, I was responsible for washing it, and my mom would do my hair every morning (checking for spots that weren't fully clean, too) until high school or so. That wasn't because I couldn't do my own hair, it was because we both liked that part of the morning. If she wasn't around due to work, a ponytail it was (usually a low pony).
posted by Ms Vegetable at 3:07 PM on December 9, 2018
posted by Ms Vegetable at 3:07 PM on December 9, 2018
I want to say I was 8/9, when I started to wash my hair and I may have had my mother come into the bathroom for a while to check i‘d rinsed it properly but I think at some point I just stopped doing that? I was required to have brushed hair leaving the house but wasn’t required to have any particular style. So I can’t remember a particular point after which I was in charge of styling. I have fairly thick, wavy hair. It definitely tangled but nothing a good brush wasn’t taking care of. Also, nthing tangle teazers.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:15 PM on December 9, 2018
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:15 PM on December 9, 2018
Get your kid a Wet Brush. I've used both a Tangle Teezer and a Wet Brush, and Wet Brush is superior for getting through knots and snarls without pain. I also have very, very fine hair that snarls easily, but it's not stick straight, and the Wet Brush is a miracle worker for me. I also felt like the Tangle Teezer broke hair around my hairline, but the Wet Brush doesn't.
Is Kid using conditioner? It could go a long way to solving the snarls/matting issue, along with using leave in spray detangler when wet.
The key to braiding hair yourself is to NOT look in the mirror. You need to develop muscle memory with your hands behind your head. If they want to learn to braid their hair themselves, practicing while you're watching TV at night is a good idea. You can be on hand to trouble shoot until they get the hang of it.
posted by nerdfish at 12:42 AM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Is Kid using conditioner? It could go a long way to solving the snarls/matting issue, along with using leave in spray detangler when wet.
The key to braiding hair yourself is to NOT look in the mirror. You need to develop muscle memory with your hands behind your head. If they want to learn to braid their hair themselves, practicing while you're watching TV at night is a good idea. You can be on hand to trouble shoot until they get the hang of it.
posted by nerdfish at 12:42 AM on December 10, 2018 [1 favorite]
Around age nine is my experience as well. Both my daughters slept with braided hair for easier management, sometimes they had braids for school as well.
Recently, I took my then 10-year old foster child to a hairdresser, partly for the hair-cut but mostly for care and styling advice. She has the type of hair you describe, and refuses to cut it short. We went to the stylist after a teacher at school said she needed to get her hair under control.
She is only at my house at weekends, so it was important for me that she got the advice and understood it, so she can handle it herself.
posted by mumimor at 2:00 AM on December 10, 2018
Recently, I took my then 10-year old foster child to a hairdresser, partly for the hair-cut but mostly for care and styling advice. She has the type of hair you describe, and refuses to cut it short. We went to the stylist after a teacher at school said she needed to get her hair under control.
She is only at my house at weekends, so it was important for me that she got the advice and understood it, so she can handle it herself.
posted by mumimor at 2:00 AM on December 10, 2018
I'd work up to it. Build up excitement that you're going to start letting them be in charge of their hair and there are steps to get there.
- wash it themselves, but you still brush it and style it (put it up), this gives you a chance to critique the washing for a few weeks.
- They brush it, and come to you for a final styling (get the ends trimmed at this stage if you've found this helps with tangles).
- At first, you're critiquing the hairbrushing, pointing out when they've missed something, and you can either fix it or help them fix it. When there are no mistakes in the hairbrushing you can move on.
- All this time you're showing them what you're doing when you style the hair, talking about what makes this a good ponytail, how to smooth the top parts down, how many times you wrap the elastic, why you do that little move splaying the pony out that snugs the elastic up to their head, how to put clips in so that they actually hold the hair that needs holding instead of just being decorative, why you didn't like it that time and you had to try again, etc.
- When they're ready (doing well with hairbrushing, and understanding your points about styling) start handing them steps - ok, I've brushed it all back and I'm holding it in a ponytail, want to try putting the elastic on it?
So yes, it will take a while to transition them over, but that's because it's not actually an easy job to take care of mid-back-length hair!
posted by aimedwander at 10:24 AM on December 10, 2018
- wash it themselves, but you still brush it and style it (put it up), this gives you a chance to critique the washing for a few weeks.
- They brush it, and come to you for a final styling (get the ends trimmed at this stage if you've found this helps with tangles).
- At first, you're critiquing the hairbrushing, pointing out when they've missed something, and you can either fix it or help them fix it. When there are no mistakes in the hairbrushing you can move on.
- All this time you're showing them what you're doing when you style the hair, talking about what makes this a good ponytail, how to smooth the top parts down, how many times you wrap the elastic, why you do that little move splaying the pony out that snugs the elastic up to their head, how to put clips in so that they actually hold the hair that needs holding instead of just being decorative, why you didn't like it that time and you had to try again, etc.
- When they're ready (doing well with hairbrushing, and understanding your points about styling) start handing them steps - ok, I've brushed it all back and I'm holding it in a ponytail, want to try putting the elastic on it?
So yes, it will take a while to transition them over, but that's because it's not actually an easy job to take care of mid-back-length hair!
posted by aimedwander at 10:24 AM on December 10, 2018
My kid is 10 and still in elementary, so we do a lot of parental oversight with his hair. Three words for you: CONDITIONER, CONDITIONER, CONDITIONER.
This is where we come in as parents: We wash his hair 2x a week. We do shampoo and regular conditioner in the shower, and then use the leave-in coconut conditioner after shower every time we wash his hair. Once a month, we also do the argan deep conditioner and leave it in his hair for ten minutes. We don't blowdry his hair (he doesn't like blow-dryers) so we use this hair-turban instead, it does cut down on drying time. for sleeping, we also put his hair in a braid (that falls apart in the night, but for the beginning of the night it at least stays together).
This is what he does for himself. Every day, whether he has a shower or not, he spray his hair with the Suave detangling spray and he brushes it with the Wet Brush (that someone references above). his hair won't stay in a braid (it just falls out if he jumps) and a pony tail will sag by the middle of the day. Usually we have him do a low-pony tail (he puts his pony tail holder on his wrist and then can do his own hair), and that will stay into his hair. His usual go-to for styling his hair is actually a hair-band like this, and in the winter, he likes fleece ones that he can use over his ears as well.
posted by alathia at 12:16 PM on December 10, 2018
This is where we come in as parents: We wash his hair 2x a week. We do shampoo and regular conditioner in the shower, and then use the leave-in coconut conditioner after shower every time we wash his hair. Once a month, we also do the argan deep conditioner and leave it in his hair for ten minutes. We don't blowdry his hair (he doesn't like blow-dryers) so we use this hair-turban instead, it does cut down on drying time. for sleeping, we also put his hair in a braid (that falls apart in the night, but for the beginning of the night it at least stays together).
This is what he does for himself. Every day, whether he has a shower or not, he spray his hair with the Suave detangling spray and he brushes it with the Wet Brush (that someone references above). his hair won't stay in a braid (it just falls out if he jumps) and a pony tail will sag by the middle of the day. Usually we have him do a low-pony tail (he puts his pony tail holder on his wrist and then can do his own hair), and that will stay into his hair. His usual go-to for styling his hair is actually a hair-band like this, and in the winter, he likes fleece ones that he can use over his ears as well.
posted by alathia at 12:16 PM on December 10, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
Based on the texture you describe, less shampoo and more conditioner will probably help, as will a $15 plastic hairbrush called a Tangle Teezer (don't get a knockofff: they're not as good).
Google "curly girl" and try those methods, including a silky pillowcase, to lessen tangles. Even if her hair isn't curly, the strand texture you describe will likely benefit in moisture and smoothness from curly styling techniques.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:04 AM on December 9, 2018 [5 favorites]