distance dilemma

February 18, 2006 4:50 PM

In a long distance relationship, is it better to end things over the phone or in person?

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of over two years. This was probably the most emotionally intense relationship I've ever had, with amazing highs I'll never forget, and terrible lows that make me cringe with pain and embarrassment. The breakup was mutual, after a long protracted slow death phase in which we both said and did things quite hurtful to the other person. Basically, distance killed the relationship... when I moved away six months ago we thought we could keep it going, but while we're extremely compatible in many ways, the way we dealt with being apart was just too different and too difficult.

The tricky part is that she still has a plane ticket to here in about a week, bought well before we reached this decision. Should I let her visit? We both want to see each other, but I'm wary of what might happen... I'm worried it might just make things worse.

Other pertinent details: Yes, we both still have some feelings for each other. Yes, we're both angry and bitter at one another for various reasons. No, neither of us have any illusions about getting back together. We are simply too exhausted and frankly both of us are somewhat relieved that it's over, despite all the good stuff.

My feeling is that I'd rather have my last memory of the relationship be a positive one if at all possible. Or at least a more real one than a bleak phone call. I feel like there are some loose ends, too, that can only be tied up in person.

Ideally, I'd like to have that week to be together like we used to be, with all the ups and downs. Partaking in some of our favorite activities, hashing out our emotions about the situation, probably some yelling at each other over old grudges, maybe followed by crazy postbreakup sex. After she leaves, we cut off all contact for a while and let us figure out what it all meant to us, separately. Maybe, after a suitable period, try and be friends again.

If for some reason there's a snag or one of us becomes uncomfortable with the situation, she has a friend in the area whose place she can crash at.

I've had bad and good breakups in the past (or at least as good as breakups can get), and I'd really like to avoid the kind where you end up resenting each other for years afterward.

Will a week like this help me get over her, or make it more difficult?

posted by anonymous to human relations (9 comments total)

Anonymous-

I did a very similar thing with a girlfriend; we had a 10-day prolonged breakup starting on day 1 of a European vacation. There were some tough times there, but we were both mature enough to make it work (the weekend armistice in Paris was romantic and quite practical.) It was an intense amount of pain but I found it manageable, and when I think back on the relationship I have a bittersweet memory I wouldn't trade for anything.

Have her visit, spend the time together, have a good cry and say goodbye. You'll be thankful in a year that you did it this way.
posted by Happydaz at 5:02 PM on February 18, 2006

I think the visit can be really good for closing the relationship in a mature manner that will help leave both of you with positive perspectives on the entire relationship. If you think both of you can probably be adult-like during most of the visit, I don't think you'll regret it.

I wouldn't plan on the postbreakup sex though. If it happens, fine, but if it doesn't, your desire (planning? speculating? hoping?) for it might come across as one-sided sexual tension that isn't helpful to closing the relationship for either of you.
posted by dness2 at 5:17 PM on February 18, 2006

Definitely see each other again, for closure at least. I ended a two-year, long-distance relationship over the phone. We had subsequent conversations "as friends," and my boyfriend seemed okay with the phone breakup. Within about a month, however, he started calling me constantly, saying that he needed closure and that he was very angry with me for ending a two-year relationship over the phone. We managed to see each other a few months later, but it was a nasty awful encounter.
posted by lunalaguna at 5:29 PM on February 18, 2006

I have experienced something like this (forced reunion at an event planned before breakup - but not long distance) and it worked out pretty good. The air was clear, we spoke, reminisced, and it proved a great introduction to life and friendship after the relationship as well as "closure" for what went before. I found it intense and actually quite thrilling to be thrown back behind the "boundaries" of not being together, I saw everything in a different light, and it worked out fine.
posted by fire&wings at 5:51 PM on February 18, 2006

See previous question regarding e-mail breakups.
posted by mcwetboy at 5:51 PM on February 18, 2006

My first reaction was "NO!!!" as in "Hell no!!!!" But then I thought, well... some people might need a sense of closure. If you really, really, feel you need that.. then I suggest to wait longer until the emotion has drained from the situation and you view her more as something of the past, or if she does come to visit anyway, for the love of God, she should not stay with you. No way. She should probably stay with her friend and you two should talk over a meal or something. I tend to prefer the safe and cautious route though.. especially when feeling fatigued/drained from intense highs and lows... Why give yourself that temptation, especially while you're still vulnerable? I wouldn't do it.. no way. I'd wait, at least. Call me cold, but over the phone isn't that much of a problem for me.

I had a relationship like this once.. intense highs and lows, and you know, really, I think it's best to let it go completely. That kind of relationship doesn't seem to do well with "friendship" - because then there's always that up-and-down dynamic where some day you'll feel "swept off your feet" again and it just seems to never really end.. at least in its' undesirable effects on you. I think if you want to truly move on and achieve mental and emotional clarity (especially in preparation for a future relationship of higher quality and integrity), you will gracefully let this go.

I think right now you are just still feeling emotional/attached about the situation, and with time that will fade. When I think back to that relationship, I mainly think of the good parts and remember it that way, and on some abstract level I still love him and internally have forgiven him, but I know better than to start talking to him again in the context of a friendship - comparable to putting my hand on a hot stove. If I see him again one day which is very possible (he lives 5 minutes away), I'll be happy to talk to him again and catch up and I won't feel bitterness or anything, but that will be all... no interaction beyond that.
posted by mojabunni at 9:05 PM on February 18, 2006

Tell her what you're expecting (in fact, send her paragraphs 4-7 of your question, starting with "My feeling is..."), ask her what she's expecting. You may well have already communicated about this. So, if you're basically on the same page, go ahead. If not, offer to reimburse her for half the plane ticket (if the breakup was entirely on your side I'd say to offer to pay for it all, but you say it was mutual). There is nothing weird about wanting to go ahead, no. It'll be a bittersweet memory for both of you, hopefully more sweet than bitter in time.
posted by kindall at 8:46 AM on February 19, 2006

Breaking up in person will make things more difficult in the short term, but easier in the long term. Aside from anything else, it's the *decent* thing to do.

The time to break up relationships over the phone is when it's relatively casual. If it's been two years and a serious relationship, then you owe it at least to do it face to face. Book a motel if you have to, have various friends on standby.
posted by badlydubbedboy at 2:22 PM on February 19, 2006

My long-distance boyfriend dumped me 2 weeks after I came back from staying with him. I was angry that the trip was for nothing... he'd been thinking about it prior to my making the trip.

Having her stay with her friend to begin with might be a good idea. That said, since she's coming anyways (sounds like she can't get the ticket money back) go ahead and see her... get some closure.
posted by IndigoRain at 4:33 AM on February 20, 2006