How to remain friends after breaking up?

February 18, 2006 11:18 AM

How to remain friends after breaking up?

Im not in any situation right now, this is just hypothetical. If anyone always tries to stay friends with ex'es and has a good way of setting up the relationship and handling the breakup to achieve that outcome, id like to hear about it! Otherwise if anyone has any stories of how they stayed friends and how they think it turned out that way...
The only thing I can think of is to not let the breakup turn ugly. Be mature about it and respect your partner and their wishes, and dont project biterness about the situation. If you are going to stay friends there cant be any baggage carried over from the relationship.
Anyone have any other ideas?

posted by who else to human relations (18 comments total)

There are SO MANY of these threads in the past:

http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/7024
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/24602
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/27834
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/27764
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/20742

That I'm not really sure we need to add a hypothetical....
posted by occhiblu at 11:31 AM on February 18, 2006

Er, only the first thread is about remaining friends which my search failed to find...
posted by who else at 11:39 AM on February 18, 2006

"Staying friends" is brought up in each of them, and many posters discuss it in each of those threads.

And another:
http://ask.metafilter.com/mefi/11154
posted by occhiblu at 11:41 AM on February 18, 2006

I'm good friends with most of my exes (including my ex-husband, whose "happy birthday" phone call I need to return right after I post this, in fact!). Avoiding an ugly breakup can help, but I've certainly wound up eventually being friends even with guys after we went through horrible breakups. In my experience, there are three necessary factors:

1. Time. No matter how friendly the breakup, no matter how much you both want to be friends, it won't happen right away. Sometimes it can take years. It can't be forced or rushed.

2. Neither person wants to get back together. This takes time (see above!), and it's got to be absolutely mutual and absolutely definite. Even the faintest hidden agenda to reunite on one person's part will almost certainly sabotage a friendship.

3. Each person already has friends of the opposite sex. [Obviously, disregard this point for same-sex friendships after breakup!] I've found that some men simply don't know how to be friends with women, and some women just don't know how to be friends with men when there's not a Relationship with a capital R. I'm convinced that part of the reason I'm friendly with so many exes is that I've always had tons of male friends to begin with, and I've tended to be involved with men who also have lots of female friends.
posted by scody at 12:01 PM on February 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

Try to resist the urge to get back together and have a "sex-only" relationship. Seriously. Post-breakup sex can be really really good sex, but both of your emotions will get all a-tangled, and it'll wind up making things extra-difficult.

It is possible I am speaking from experience.
posted by Dr. Wu at 12:07 PM on February 18, 2006

Oh yeah, Dr. Wu's 100% right on that score. No post-breakup sex. It resets the clock. It's certainly possible to have sex buddies/friends with benefits, but not with your ex.

It is also possible that I am speaking from experience.
posted by scody at 12:12 PM on February 18, 2006

Hmm, good advice so far :)
posted by who else at 12:12 PM on February 18, 2006

Scody is right on. I have, almost without fail, remained friends with my exs, and I also have lots of male friends in general. My parents are divorced, and while not often in touch, they are friendly, and I think their example helps.

I actually have a hard time understanding how folks who at one time really got along can end up such enemies. Of course, I have been lucky with my choice in guys, too.
posted by thebrokedown at 12:17 PM on February 18, 2006

I think you have to hate each other for a while first.
posted by radioamy at 12:47 PM on February 18, 2006

It is possible. I have a friend (now dead) who remained friends with every woman he ever got seriously involved with.

a guy I know has ex bring dinners to his apartment and he exchanges gifts with her new husband.
My ex hated me for a long time but then years later became friendy and loved my two children from my 2nd marriage...and she liked my new wife.

Expect bitterness. And anything less than that is very nice.
General note: guy dismiss the ex rapidly and move on; women dwell on it till they find a new guy to love, marry, at which point they can be calm about an ex.
posted by Postroad at 12:53 PM on February 18, 2006

I agree that it takes time to get over a break up before you can move into the "friend" realm. However, I don't think the "post-breakup sex" is as bad as scody and Dr. Wu think it is. I was in a relationship that ended and was followed by a couple of months of post-breakup sex. The sex during that time was amazing and the couple of months where the only time we spent together was in bed helped me realize that the relationship really didn't make sense and we were better off as friends. We spent some time apart after we stopped having sex and, when we started hanging out again after this break, it was purely as friends. Five years later we're still in touch.

General note: guy dismiss the ex rapidly and move on; women dwell on it till they find a new guy to love, marry, at which point they can be calm about an ex.

That's a controversial comment. I had a conversation with a friend the other day who seemed to believe that women get over men faster then men get over women. His reasoning was that, before a relationship ends women already predicting/thinking about it's end and so when the breakup actually happens women are more prepared for it and don't need to dwell on it. My belief is it really depends on the person, some people will just take longer to get over ex's then others and you can't really generalize across genders.
posted by kechi at 1:23 PM on February 18, 2006

The sex during that time was amazing and the couple of months where the only time we spent together was in bed helped me realize that the relationship really didn't make sense and we were better off as friends. We spent some time apart after we stopped having sex and, when we started hanging out again after this break, it was purely as friends.

right, I've done that too -- it's not that post-breakup sex is necessarily bad (either physically or emotionally), but that it stills stand in the way of going through the necessary time apart to become just friends. The time apart is still key.
posted by scody at 1:28 PM on February 18, 2006

kechi, don't get me wrong: the post-breakup sex I've had has, in at least one case, been far, far better than the pre-breakup sex. We both just found it very difficult, at that point, to sort out our feelings, as the great sex had kind of thrown us for a loop, and heaven knows it's a powerful force.
posted by Dr. Wu at 1:45 PM on February 18, 2006

I agree that the time apart is key but I just don't think that post-breakup sex restarts the clock. I think that sometimes it can be part of the breakup process and (in some situations) even shorten the time apart period. I definitely fall into the category of people who dwell on past relationships and take forever to get over things so for me, the two month post-breakup sex period probably saved me years of wondering if things could have been different. This meant when we did start hanging out again I didn't try to get back together and I didn't try to seduce my ex because we'd done that and I knew it wasn't what I wanted.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not advocating that everyone go and have sex with their ex because that will make it hurt less and you'll magically become friends. Rather I'm saying that, if you do find yourself in bed with an ex, don't automatically jump to the conclusion that you are doing something wrong.
posted by kechi at 1:53 PM on February 18, 2006

Just went through a breakup, and it's too early to tell what the attempt at friendship will be like, but I did learn this. If you take enough time processing the breakup -- that is, if everyone can be patient, and generous with their thoughts, trying to be as helpful and respectful as possible while discussing the reasons for the breakup, then there will be little left for each of you to work through, far reducing the chances of anger and bitterness afterward.

I realize not every breakup can be like this, but if possible, both parties should make themselves available for calm discussions, questions, and the wrapping up of loose threads, no matter when they come along (days, weeks, months later). It's the unanswered questions that torture you later; the answered ones can be put to rest, leaving the path ahead looking pretty clean of unresolved issues.

I hesistate to recommend this, because I think you have to be at least slightly mature to handle these discussions well. Note that by 'processing' I don't mean making accusations, throwing things, driving by the person's house, or calling at 3 AM.
posted by Miko at 3:04 PM on February 18, 2006

Everyone's right about needing a stretch of reset time mostly apart. It doesn't necessarily have to be the kind of melodramatic no-fly zone some people are recommending; in some communities that's impossible anyway. But it's a good idea to stay out of each other's hair as much as possible for a while.

Perhaps counterintuitively, this can be at least as difficult for the dumper as it is for the dumpee.

Post-breakup sex generally isn't a great idea but it's not necessarily a disaster either. The people who say it can be fantastic are right, as are those who say it can tell you things you needed to know. So are the people who say it's likely to prolong that reset period.

Also, if you're an opposite-sex couple, scody's third point is vital: your odds are best if you're already used to having opposite-sex friends.
posted by tangerine at 5:31 PM on February 18, 2006

I hope this isn't derailing the question but it seems to fly with some of the comments posted - what level of separation would be considered "time apart"? Probably no buddy shopping trips or going out for a movie, I imagine. Conversation could be iffy, wether in person or on the phone, for a while. But in our tech generation, what of IMs and emails? Would chatting with the ex frequently, as long as everyone can control themselves, necessarily harmful? Sorry if this should be a new question...
posted by luftmensch at 5:40 PM on February 18, 2006

In my experience, "time apart" means either no contact or minimal (and polite) contact solely based on actual necessity. For me, at least, I've found that the chatting-frequently-because-we're-just-so-used-to-it doesn't work at that stage -- it's too much like being together, kinda, but not really, which prolongs the grieving/healing/getting over it process.
posted by scody at 6:35 PM on February 18, 2006