Holiday cards for Jews from a gentile
November 20, 2018 9:52 PM Subscribe
Hanukkah etiquette for gentiles
Is it rude for a gentile to send generic "Happy Holidays!" cards to Jews, or does it seem like a hollow gesture?
I usually do everything late, so how offensive or counterproductive is it to send a "Happy Holidays!" card to a Jew after Hanukkah has already passed? And is it inappropriate for a gentile to write "Happy Hanukkah!" in a card?
Is Hanukkah even a BFD, or have Christians made it a big deal because they're trying to be inclusive at Christmastime?
Is it rude for a gentile to send generic "Happy Holidays!" cards to Jews, or does it seem like a hollow gesture?
I usually do everything late, so how offensive or counterproductive is it to send a "Happy Holidays!" card to a Jew after Hanukkah has already passed? And is it inappropriate for a gentile to write "Happy Hanukkah!" in a card?
Is Hanukkah even a BFD, or have Christians made it a big deal because they're trying to be inclusive at Christmastime?
Is it rude for a gentile to send generic "Happy Holidays!" cards to Jews, or does it seem like a hollow gesture?
Not rude, everybody gets "Happy Holidays!" cards from everyone these days.
I usually do everything late, so how offensive or counterproductive is it to send a "Happy Holidays!" card to a Jew after Hanukkah has already passed? And is it inappropriate for a gentile to write "Happy Hanukkah!" in a card?
Not offensive or counterproductive to get a "Happy Holidays" card after Hannukah has passed. Getting a "Happy Hannukah" card from a non-Jew after Hannukah has passed would merit a mild eye-roll as I opened the mail (because I'd assume it meant you had no idea when Hannukah was and thought it was at the same time as Christmas) but is still like a 1 or a 2 out of 10 on a cultural faux pas scale.
Is Hanukkah even a BFD, or have Christians made it a big deal because they're trying to be inclusive at Christmastime?
Yes, this. Hannukah is a minor holiday from a Jewish religious perspective that has been inflated in importance because of Christmas (although not entirely because of Christians making it a big deal, also because of Jews wanting to fit in and not have their kids feel left out at Christmas).
posted by phoenixy at 10:02 PM on November 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
Not rude, everybody gets "Happy Holidays!" cards from everyone these days.
I usually do everything late, so how offensive or counterproductive is it to send a "Happy Holidays!" card to a Jew after Hanukkah has already passed? And is it inappropriate for a gentile to write "Happy Hanukkah!" in a card?
Not offensive or counterproductive to get a "Happy Holidays" card after Hannukah has passed. Getting a "Happy Hannukah" card from a non-Jew after Hannukah has passed would merit a mild eye-roll as I opened the mail (because I'd assume it meant you had no idea when Hannukah was and thought it was at the same time as Christmas) but is still like a 1 or a 2 out of 10 on a cultural faux pas scale.
Is Hanukkah even a BFD, or have Christians made it a big deal because they're trying to be inclusive at Christmastime?
Yes, this. Hannukah is a minor holiday from a Jewish religious perspective that has been inflated in importance because of Christmas (although not entirely because of Christians making it a big deal, also because of Jews wanting to fit in and not have their kids feel left out at Christmas).
posted by phoenixy at 10:02 PM on November 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
Or, if you tend to be late even for Christmas then you can do what I do and send out New Year's card to everyone.
posted by metahawk at 10:13 PM on November 20, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 10:13 PM on November 20, 2018 [9 favorites]
Happy Holidays cards are lovely, not at all empty. I might suggest, though, that you look for cards that have no even arguably religious imagery on them, and remember that Jews might consider certain things Christian even if you don’t. For example, my grandmother used to get a bit salty if people sent her a card with Santa Claus or a Christmas tree or reindeer. So maybe try to look for truly neutral images like snowflakes and so on; they’re fairly easy to find.
And yes, Hanukkah is a very slight holiday that would be of approximately the same importance to secular Jews as Shavuos (which you’ve probably never heard of, and that’s precisely the point) if it weren’t for Christmas. I’m always mildly amused when gentiles wish me a happy Hanukkah because it’s such a minor Jewish holiday it would sort of be as though I wished a gentile a happy St. Crispin’s Day or something.
posted by holborne at 10:13 PM on November 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
And yes, Hanukkah is a very slight holiday that would be of approximately the same importance to secular Jews as Shavuos (which you’ve probably never heard of, and that’s precisely the point) if it weren’t for Christmas. I’m always mildly amused when gentiles wish me a happy Hanukkah because it’s such a minor Jewish holiday it would sort of be as though I wished a gentile a happy St. Crispin’s Day or something.
posted by holborne at 10:13 PM on November 20, 2018 [10 favorites]
Is Hanukkah even a BFD, or have Christians made it a big deal because they're trying to be inclusive at Christmastime?
basically this. if you want to impress your jewish friends just remember to wish them happy new year every september 20th or so.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:43 PM on November 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
basically this. if you want to impress your jewish friends just remember to wish them happy new year every september 20th or so.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:43 PM on November 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
Nthing that to be on the safe side, I would avoid things many Christians perceive as secular, as your recipient may have a different perspective. My family avoids holly, mistletoe, poinsettias, and lights, for example. Snow or doves are fine. Red and green is not fine.
Santa didn't come to my house, so my childhood memories of him and the Christmas stuff people get so excited over are of exclusion, honestly. Chanukah is not equivalent.
We still hang up cards with religious stuff, but we remember who took the time, you know? The ones I and the non-Orthodox branch of my family send are very, very generic holiday or new year cards. Ymmv.
posted by marfa, texas at 12:04 AM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Santa didn't come to my house, so my childhood memories of him and the Christmas stuff people get so excited over are of exclusion, honestly. Chanukah is not equivalent.
We still hang up cards with religious stuff, but we remember who took the time, you know? The ones I and the non-Orthodox branch of my family send are very, very generic holiday or new year cards. Ymmv.
posted by marfa, texas at 12:04 AM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
You've probably gathered by now that there's no Official Jewish Answer on this. So just to add in one more perspective, I don't think you need to worry.
If you send me any card at all -- even an explicitly religious Christmas card -- I take it to mean you're thinking of me during a time that's important to you. That is an inherently positive thing.
If you send me a "Happy holidays" card, then not only are you thinking of me, you understand that I'm not a Christian and you're making a good-faith effort to make me feel comfortable. That's an extra level of positivity. I can't imagine reacting badly just because it includes includes some vaguely Christmas-y imagery, or it came a month after Hanukah, or whatever.
I mean, if you are taking the time to pick out individual cards for your Jewish friends, and one of the options is a totally generic winter scene, then, absolutely, choose that one. But if you're just sending out the same card to everybody, I wouldn't lose sleep over the fact that it includes images that some people might associate with Christmas.
posted by yankeefog at 2:57 AM on November 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
If you send me any card at all -- even an explicitly religious Christmas card -- I take it to mean you're thinking of me during a time that's important to you. That is an inherently positive thing.
If you send me a "Happy holidays" card, then not only are you thinking of me, you understand that I'm not a Christian and you're making a good-faith effort to make me feel comfortable. That's an extra level of positivity. I can't imagine reacting badly just because it includes includes some vaguely Christmas-y imagery, or it came a month after Hanukah, or whatever.
I mean, if you are taking the time to pick out individual cards for your Jewish friends, and one of the options is a totally generic winter scene, then, absolutely, choose that one. But if you're just sending out the same card to everybody, I wouldn't lose sleep over the fact that it includes images that some people might associate with Christmas.
posted by yankeefog at 2:57 AM on November 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
Like everything else, being Jewish exists on a wide spectrum. I think the right answer changes depending on how observant these Jews are, and what your relationship to them is.
Pretty much every Jewish person (in the states, at least) is going to be fine with getting a generic big batch Christmas card from people they don't actually much know. It's nice when it's not explicitly Christian and just winter themed, but if you don't expect them to display it on their mantel then it's whatever in the end. Not particularly offensive at all. But if you're close with these folks and you genuinely want to express seasonal friendship, it can be a smack to the face to get a Christmassy card because it's like, "damn, you can't be bothered to remember this important thing about me?" A very observant Jewish friend might be more annoyed than a more secular one, but that too can vary widely. It's connected to that being a big part of their identity and you knowing and respecting that, or not.
I like to get cards that have family pictures in them. I know that batches of custom printed cards like that are simple to make but it's a lot harder to get one or two differently themed ones printed off just to accommodate your two Jewish friends who want to see a cute picture of your kid wearing reindeer antlers. It's okay if I get a couple explicitly Christmassy cards like that, because of how much harder it is to get those un-Christmafied.
But when I get a card that wasn't custom printed and it's super Christmassy, so the person could have just as easily bought a couple cards that had snowflakes on them and written a note in those instead, yeah I certainly get resentful for a minute. Then I get over it - but not without noting to myself that maybe I should bring up my Jewishness explicitly in front of them in the future. If I'm not actually going to be around them in person ever, though, then it doesn't even make a blip of annoyance.
Hanukkah is a whatever holiday. We made it into a bigger thing for purposes of midcentury cultural assimilation and kids wanting presents. The more observant a Jew, generally the less they care about Hanukkah. Gentiles can certainly wish someone a happy Hanukkah, it's not offensive, but Hanukkah is a celebration of a military victory by underdogs, so it's not so much in line with the seasonal warm family feelings that Christmas well-wishers are going for. I much prefer getting a "happy new year" because that's something both of us are celebrating (or just living through, ymmv) so it's more genuine.
posted by Mizu at 3:30 AM on November 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
Pretty much every Jewish person (in the states, at least) is going to be fine with getting a generic big batch Christmas card from people they don't actually much know. It's nice when it's not explicitly Christian and just winter themed, but if you don't expect them to display it on their mantel then it's whatever in the end. Not particularly offensive at all. But if you're close with these folks and you genuinely want to express seasonal friendship, it can be a smack to the face to get a Christmassy card because it's like, "damn, you can't be bothered to remember this important thing about me?" A very observant Jewish friend might be more annoyed than a more secular one, but that too can vary widely. It's connected to that being a big part of their identity and you knowing and respecting that, or not.
I like to get cards that have family pictures in them. I know that batches of custom printed cards like that are simple to make but it's a lot harder to get one or two differently themed ones printed off just to accommodate your two Jewish friends who want to see a cute picture of your kid wearing reindeer antlers. It's okay if I get a couple explicitly Christmassy cards like that, because of how much harder it is to get those un-Christmafied.
But when I get a card that wasn't custom printed and it's super Christmassy, so the person could have just as easily bought a couple cards that had snowflakes on them and written a note in those instead, yeah I certainly get resentful for a minute. Then I get over it - but not without noting to myself that maybe I should bring up my Jewishness explicitly in front of them in the future. If I'm not actually going to be around them in person ever, though, then it doesn't even make a blip of annoyance.
Hanukkah is a whatever holiday. We made it into a bigger thing for purposes of midcentury cultural assimilation and kids wanting presents. The more observant a Jew, generally the less they care about Hanukkah. Gentiles can certainly wish someone a happy Hanukkah, it's not offensive, but Hanukkah is a celebration of a military victory by underdogs, so it's not so much in line with the seasonal warm family feelings that Christmas well-wishers are going for. I much prefer getting a "happy new year" because that's something both of us are celebrating (or just living through, ymmv) so it's more genuine.
posted by Mizu at 3:30 AM on November 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
From the other end, my parents send out two batches of cards each year: Jewish friends and family get New Years cards for Rosh Hashanah; non-Jewish friends get holiday cards around Christmas. My parent's holiday cards are usually snow-themed (snowflake, snowy woods, etc.), and I can usually pick out their card on my (not-Jewish) in-law's display as the least Christmas-y thing on there.
They get similar batches back from each group. They tend to display the Rosh Hashanah cards on the mantle, but don't usually put up the holiday cards (but that might be because that's where the Hanukkiahs go, and they don't want flammable things nearby) . They do happily read and receive them, though, and I never heard an "Ugh, this is too Christmas-y/Jesus-y" type comment.
posted by damayanti at 5:02 AM on November 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
They get similar batches back from each group. They tend to display the Rosh Hashanah cards on the mantle, but don't usually put up the holiday cards (but that might be because that's where the Hanukkiahs go, and they don't want flammable things nearby) . They do happily read and receive them, though, and I never heard an "Ugh, this is too Christmas-y/Jesus-y" type comment.
posted by damayanti at 5:02 AM on November 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Is it rude for a gentile to send generic "Happy Holidays!" cards to Jews, or does it seem like a hollow gesture?
As others have pointed out above, the symbolism on the cards sometimes reads as slanted Christmassy even if there's nothing about Christmas or Jesus or whatnot in so man words or pictures. Greenery (trees, shrubs, holly, mistletoe, etc.) all say "Christmas". Too much red basically says Christmas, and holiday lights of the draped-on-the-house variety are Christmas too. Imagery of snow is always good. Imagery of candles depends on context. Blue and white are very good secular winter colors (and they're also Jewish colors, especially blue).
Is Hanukkah even a BFD, or have Christians made it a big deal because they're trying to be inclusive at Christmastime?
It's historically a very small deal, and I think the promotion of it is less by Christians hyping up a Jewish-inclusive holiday so much as Jewish parents wanting their kids not to feel left out at the holidays. Hannukah qua Hannkah (as opposed to the general conviviality of the holiday season) has become a lot less important to me and probably other Jews in adulthood; as a kid it was a big deal because, y'know, presents and family and whatnot. But all the things Christmas is to Christians already have holidays on the traditional Jewish calendar. Family time with ample food? That's Pesach. Gift-giving and merry-making? That's Purim. Quiet reflection on faith? That's the High Holy Days.
The relative "importance" of Jewish holidays depends a lot on your tradition, but for most people it would go something like this:
Liturgical holidays which are nearly-universally observed: Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashana, Pesach. The High Holy Days are the big two, and Pesach, as mentioned above, is a big obvservance in the home.
Non-liturgical important festivals: Purim. Since the events Purim commemorates postdate the Torah, the holiday isn't mandated at all, but it's become culturally important as a symbolic reminder of Jewish endurance and as a carnival.
Liturgical holidays which observant Jews take seriously: Sukkot, Shabbat. Sukkot has hospitality as a major feature, so it covers some of the same needs as Pesach does, and as for Shabbat, weird as putting a weekly occurrance on a major holiday list is, it's taken very seriously by observant Jews. I think they get more excited about the silly legalistic dodges around its burdensome rules than about the actual day-of-rest aspect, but getting excited about silly legalistic dodges is a Jewish tradition too.
Non-liturgical holidays which we don't take seriously but celebrate anyways: Hannukah. See above.
Liturgical holidays which nobody takes seriously: Shavuot, Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah. Sorry, Shavuot, but nobody in a non-agricultural society can remember what you're for. Simchat Torah I remember having a fun temple service with a lot of parades, but I don't think I've celebrated or even noticed it for decades.
Non-liturgical events which nobody remembers: Tu B'Shevat, Lag B'Omer, Tisha B'Av, and so forth. There are modern commemorations like Yom Ha-Shoah and Yom Ha'atzmaut in here too, but these are mostly observed only if you happen to have a calendar which lists them, or you attend a Shabbat service where one of these events gets commemorated. Some of these have major importance to specific Jewish communities, though: Yom Ha'atzmaut is, unsurprisingly, a very big deal in Israel.
posted by jackbishop at 6:34 AM on November 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
As others have pointed out above, the symbolism on the cards sometimes reads as slanted Christmassy even if there's nothing about Christmas or Jesus or whatnot in so man words or pictures. Greenery (trees, shrubs, holly, mistletoe, etc.) all say "Christmas". Too much red basically says Christmas, and holiday lights of the draped-on-the-house variety are Christmas too. Imagery of snow is always good. Imagery of candles depends on context. Blue and white are very good secular winter colors (and they're also Jewish colors, especially blue).
Is Hanukkah even a BFD, or have Christians made it a big deal because they're trying to be inclusive at Christmastime?
It's historically a very small deal, and I think the promotion of it is less by Christians hyping up a Jewish-inclusive holiday so much as Jewish parents wanting their kids not to feel left out at the holidays. Hannukah qua Hannkah (as opposed to the general conviviality of the holiday season) has become a lot less important to me and probably other Jews in adulthood; as a kid it was a big deal because, y'know, presents and family and whatnot. But all the things Christmas is to Christians already have holidays on the traditional Jewish calendar. Family time with ample food? That's Pesach. Gift-giving and merry-making? That's Purim. Quiet reflection on faith? That's the High Holy Days.
The relative "importance" of Jewish holidays depends a lot on your tradition, but for most people it would go something like this:
Liturgical holidays which are nearly-universally observed: Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashana, Pesach. The High Holy Days are the big two, and Pesach, as mentioned above, is a big obvservance in the home.
Non-liturgical important festivals: Purim. Since the events Purim commemorates postdate the Torah, the holiday isn't mandated at all, but it's become culturally important as a symbolic reminder of Jewish endurance and as a carnival.
Liturgical holidays which observant Jews take seriously: Sukkot, Shabbat. Sukkot has hospitality as a major feature, so it covers some of the same needs as Pesach does, and as for Shabbat, weird as putting a weekly occurrance on a major holiday list is, it's taken very seriously by observant Jews. I think they get more excited about the silly legalistic dodges around its burdensome rules than about the actual day-of-rest aspect, but getting excited about silly legalistic dodges is a Jewish tradition too.
Non-liturgical holidays which we don't take seriously but celebrate anyways: Hannukah. See above.
Liturgical holidays which nobody takes seriously: Shavuot, Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah. Sorry, Shavuot, but nobody in a non-agricultural society can remember what you're for. Simchat Torah I remember having a fun temple service with a lot of parades, but I don't think I've celebrated or even noticed it for decades.
Non-liturgical events which nobody remembers: Tu B'Shevat, Lag B'Omer, Tisha B'Av, and so forth. There are modern commemorations like Yom Ha-Shoah and Yom Ha'atzmaut in here too, but these are mostly observed only if you happen to have a calendar which lists them, or you attend a Shabbat service where one of these events gets commemorated. Some of these have major importance to specific Jewish communities, though: Yom Ha'atzmaut is, unsurprisingly, a very big deal in Israel.
posted by jackbishop at 6:34 AM on November 21, 2018 [8 favorites]
Just highlighting what I came to write but Mizu already said: "I much prefer getting a "happy new year" because that's something both of us are celebrating (or just living through, ymmv) so it's more genuine."
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:41 AM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:41 AM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm with the consensus here: "happy holidays" is totally fine, and it's preferable to have a card that doesn't have obvious Christmas associations (e.g., holly, mistletoe, Christmas lights), but more generic winter stuff (snow!) is utterly safe.
At least for me, what can rankle is when (and it's very rare!) I receive explicit "Merry Christmas" cards from people who should know better. It suggests that the sender doesn't care that I don't share their faith.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 8:01 AM on November 21, 2018
At least for me, what can rankle is when (and it's very rare!) I receive explicit "Merry Christmas" cards from people who should know better. It suggests that the sender doesn't care that I don't share their faith.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 8:01 AM on November 21, 2018
My super Catholic aunt sends a very Jesusy Christmas card to us every year, which I am sure is from a boxed set, but she has the decency to write Happy Hanukkah in it. I find the incongruity hilarious, personally, but I know it would bother others.
posted by Ruki at 9:41 AM on November 21, 2018
posted by Ruki at 9:41 AM on November 21, 2018
Last time I sent cards, in 1918, I just used a winter-y theme and Happy Holidays. I probably never even got around to mailing them.
posted by theora55 at 10:56 AM on November 21, 2018
posted by theora55 at 10:56 AM on November 21, 2018
I (big ol' Jew) like and appreciate receiving holiday cards. I especially like ones that aren't super Christmassy, but I'll take a Christmassy one over none at all. The date doesn't matter to me and neither does the inscription.
(I'll never forget a high school classmate who deliberately didn't give me a card -- this was back when kids always exchanged cards -- because, she informed me, there was no reason for me to get one, as I wasn't Christian. She was a very strange bird.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:14 PM on November 21, 2018
(I'll never forget a high school classmate who deliberately didn't give me a card -- this was back when kids always exchanged cards -- because, she informed me, there was no reason for me to get one, as I wasn't Christian. She was a very strange bird.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:14 PM on November 21, 2018
Is Hanukkah even a BFD, or have Christians made it a big deal because they're trying to be inclusive at Christmastime?
It's only a big deal because we Jews are trying to be included atChristmasWinterHolidayTime.
It is 100% OK to send Hanukkah cards! It's not a serious in-group-only activity. It means you're thoughtful enough to include us in our shared American culture's season of well-wishing and you are tailoring your expression of those well-wishes to our preferred traditions.
It doesn't matter that you don't celebrate the same specific holiday along with me. I'm happy to get a birthday card even though it's not your birthday too!
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 11:15 PM on November 21, 2018
It's only a big deal because we Jews are trying to be included at
It is 100% OK to send Hanukkah cards! It's not a serious in-group-only activity. It means you're thoughtful enough to include us in our shared American culture's season of well-wishing and you are tailoring your expression of those well-wishes to our preferred traditions.
It doesn't matter that you don't celebrate the same specific holiday along with me. I'm happy to get a birthday card even though it's not your birthday too!
posted by Harvey Kilobit at 11:15 PM on November 21, 2018
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posted by humboldt32 at 9:58 PM on November 20, 2018 [4 favorites]