help me fix myself

November 14, 2018 7:05 AM

I feel there are some areas of my life where my learned modes of behaviour, ways of thought etc are holding me back from achieving what I would like. What's the best way to go about seeking help for this sort of thing? Self-help books? Therapy (and if so, what sort)? Life coaching? More details below the fold.

Specifically - and I realise I am anything BUT a special snowflake in this - I refer to romantic relationships. I am pretty good, capable and confident at social relationships, handling work, other life things. But I have a defeatist attitude towards the whole rigmarole of finding a partner, and in the very rare occasions where there seems like a glimmer of hope in that direction I immediately find some reason to cut it off and only in retrospect (sometimes years later) I realise that reason had no basis in reality.

I feel like there are numerous different elements here to be addressed: self-image, certain things that happened in my past, the fact that as a child I never saw one happy partnered relationship in my family (the Ziggy clan aren't great at romantic relationships), a sort of misplaced sense that as an intelligent woman, even worrying about things like this makes me frivolous and a bad feminist... just a lot of different things that would take an age to tease out and feel like they are beyond the bounds of an AskMe question.

But I'm good at projects! I'd like to take this on as a project. Not exactly Project Get Ziggy a Partner, so much as Project Fix Whatever's Holding Ziggy Back From Finding a Partner. I just don't know where to start. What resources should I look at? Any books you would recommend, or websites?

If your answer is therapy, I would really appreciate some advice on what sort of therapy I should be looking for. I'm based in the UK and did CBT therapy for anxiety (on the NHS) some years ago which was not a good use of my time.

posted by Ziggy500 to Human Relations (5 answers total)

I read a lot of self-help books, but therapy is what made a life-changing difference for me. I liked CBT, but really it was a lot more of me rambling on about my feelings so I could get used to noticing them and talking about them and being told they are important, and also unpacking some stuff about my parents in a safe space. There were no worksheets. The concept of unconditional positive regard was really great to learn about / experience. Having a therapist you respect and click with is important regardless of modality.

I also had some sessions of ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) later when I was in a relationship and needed a therapy tune-up. It's more focused on accepting that you feel, say, depressed, and working within that context. It wasn't my thing, really, but it's another popular modality and seems to work for a lot of folks who didn't like CBT - not sure how it would work for your purposes. Again, the best part for me was having a neutral party to talk through my relationships with.

In terms of books, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie was probably most helpful despite the fact that I don't/didn't have addicts in my life. It really got me used to the idea that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings, and to watch out for my tendencies try to control situations by doing the exact right thing. I still had a hard time consistently applying this until after therapy years later, though.
posted by momus_window at 9:01 AM on November 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

I would look for therapies labeled "psychodynamic" or "interpersonal."
posted by lazuli at 11:11 AM on November 14, 2018

I feel this way myself and no longer look for a romantic partner through dating. I feel the best case scenario for me would be to begin as friends-perhaps through group activities-with someone and later try the romance thing. I've also had to dig a bit to figure out my limitations in this area. I have major trust issues and don't like to feel controlled. Therapy has helped. But it can be very expensive (not saying not to do it though). Writing diary-style as a discovery and coping tool has helped me gain insight. Talking to trusted friends has too plus the added benefit of feedback.
posted by DixieBaby at 2:53 PM on November 14, 2018

I did something very similar about 10 years ago. I told my therapist (and I believe you need a therapist for this) word for word: "I don't like these things about myself. I don't know how to be any other way. I need you to teach me to be the person I want to be". We did CBT therapy and I'm not exaggerating, it completely changed my life. It was a shit ton of work, some of it very painful but I stuck with it and today I am not totally the ideal person I had in my head, but I'm pretty close.

If you don't currently have a therapist that you feel you can be this open/raw with, then find another one. I had to go through a couple before I found the one that understood what I meant underneath what I was actually saying and we built a relationship where she could teach me the skills I hadn't learned in child/early adulthood.
posted by hollygoheavy at 2:55 PM on November 14, 2018

I had a bad experience with CBT on the NHS too. Nowadays I have an online therapist and we mostly do DBT stuff, which at least feels more promising to me.
posted by diffuse at 5:59 AM on November 15, 2018