Should I lie about my appointment and the results - temporarily

November 13, 2018 3:32 PM

I am back 5 years later with another relationship question. I had an OB/GYN appointment today where they found what may be ovarian cancer. The doc can't be sure whether this is accurate or not without running a blood test (results should be available tomorrow). I am waffling back and forth about whether to tell my husband about what news I got. I don't want to create a cancer scare when it may turn out that I just need to have surgery to remove an ovary. (I get that this isn't like getting stitches either

I don't plan to lie until I die, if it is cancer. However, does it make sense to make someone else's concentration ability go to hell when I have no answers? Will one day really be a big betrayal?

I am personally terrified, and don't want to scare a loved one into worrying this same way until I know something more concrete.

posted by it's always too late to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Best answer: I think this exactly the kind of situation that you should be able to lean on your partner for support. Tell him! It's thoughtful of you to be concerned, but you shouldn't have to worry alone.
posted by pinochiette at 3:42 PM on November 13, 2018 [63 favorites]

Agreed with pinochiette. This scenario is pretty much WHY people marry. This level of support. Be scared together. Your spouse will know just what to say.
posted by chasles at 3:44 PM on November 13, 2018 [6 favorites]

Do you want to tell him? It seems like you don't. Maybe you don't want to see his fear, compounding your own?

It is okay to keep this health related thing to yourself until you get some clarity. You are scared, and don't want to make it 'big'.

If, however, I'm mistaken, and his knowing would bring you comfort...tell him! Let someone who loves you share the burden with you and lean on him.

You don't lose points for it turning out to be 'nothing' -- it just matters what kind of support you need in this moment.

Best wishes to you.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:45 PM on November 13, 2018 [4 favorites]

it's your health, and if you want to have a mental sanctuary (your marriage) where you aren't in any danger and nobody is worried or asking you questions, you can have that for a day, yes. if you want it. what you should do is what will make you feel either better, or supported, or in control. there is nothing that you should do regarding your health care plans or communication, at this point, for your husband. it should all be for you.

there are plenty of things he should do for you once he knows, now or if you get bad news. and if you don't want to deal with them now, or if you're afraid he won't do them well, don't tell him yet. if you want and need something from him now, do tell him.

it is strictly about what you want. except that if thinking of it in terms of what he would want allows you to exert control over the situation, to be the one protecting him, and that makes you calmer, then use that explanation. but use it for you, for that reason. there isn't anything you could do about this in the next day or week that you should feel guilty for later.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:45 PM on November 13, 2018 [9 favorites]

You need him. It’s so much easier to bear when the people in your life know.

If you don’t think your husband can provide adequate support that’s a different question, but please tell someone you love and trust.
posted by something something at 3:46 PM on November 13, 2018

The job of your husband is to support you when you are personally terrified. You should tell him.

I can see two main exceptions, one of which you sort of hint at with the "concentration ability" and which filling in might help get better answers.

Is there a compelling reason why telling him tomorrow would be substantially different from telling him today? (Is he writing the bar exam tomorrow? Is he overseas and flying back tomorrow? )

Does he have a particular problem with anxiety, catastrophizing, an extreme fear of cancer? (Would telling him what you posted with the multiple outcomes freak him out in a significant way that telling him you're getting your ovary removed tomorrow not?)

If the answers to these two questions are no, you should tell him. If they aren't, you should probably tell us for better answers.

Be kind to yourself; good luck.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 3:46 PM on November 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

Don't lie to your spouse.
posted by 41swans at 3:58 PM on November 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

If I were in your situation and it were one day and I could say something noncommittal and broadly true, like "they ran some tests and I'll find out tomorrow", I would not tell my partner if I didn't want to tell them. You're in a very hard situation and your first responsibility is to yourself right now. This is an outlier situation. Do what makes you feel best for this very tough twenty-four hours.
posted by Frowner at 4:02 PM on November 13, 2018 [7 favorites]

I agree with telling, however, I also had the personal experience that anytime I told my (now ex-) husband about something bad happening to me he would immediately twist it around and demand comfort from me. This is NOT normal behaviour, but resulted in my never confiding as I needed my resources for myself. If you feel your husband can’t comfort you then that is something that should be addressed before the next crisis(there will always be another crisis).
posted by saucysault at 4:06 PM on November 13, 2018 [11 favorites]

I mean, I get don't lie to your spouse, but you're asking this question for a reason. I have been in situations like this before. My spouse is prone to catastrophizing and it stresses me the fuck out, because I have to comfort him when I need comforting, so, I wait to tell him and rely on other sources of support until then. On the other hand, if your concern is more about worrying spouse needlessly, then hell naw, tell away. Do what makes you feel best.
posted by Ruki at 4:08 PM on November 13, 2018 [17 favorites]

Best answer: If you need to do this for your sake - if you're worried he's going to act in a way that makes this more difficult for you - then sure, don't tell him. If you think you're doing it for his sake... I can guarantee you he doesn't see it that way. Let him take care of you.
posted by ftm at 4:10 PM on November 13, 2018 [9 favorites]

Support in, dump out. You are the center and you get to dump (any and all feelings) out. He gets to support in for you.
posted by raccoon409 at 4:27 PM on November 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

Hi. FYI I just supported my best friend through 5.5 years of ovarian cancer, starting five minutes after she was diagnosed. My short answer is: everybody gets to have a different style of how they want to deal with things. If you want to take this time to just sit on the info, that's okay. If you want to tell him, that's okay too. It's okay to feel like your way is right; your way gets to be right, right now.

My longer answer includes one important data point that I just want to lay on you: if your CA-125 blood test is 0 or below 30 (leading doc to tell you it's not ovarian cancer) please, please ask for an ultrasound if you haven't yet had one. I know this isn't what you're asking so I won't go further except to say it's entirely possible to have ovarian cancer and a CA-125 of 0, or a CA-125 of 12,000 when you don't have it. MeMail me if you want more info.
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:34 PM on November 13, 2018 [9 favorites]

Completely up to you. If it would be, e.g., easier for you not to have to talk about it until you have more information, it's fine to wait. (I don't even think that's strange. I can completely see myself doing this.) On the other hand, if it's just that you're worried that the physical results will turn out not to "justify" your husband's being upset...don't be. "I (realistically) might have cancer" is an extremely good reason to seek your spouse's support, whatever the outcome of the tests.

Good luck with the test results!
posted by praemunire at 4:51 PM on November 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

I think that you didn't tell him immediately is all the answer you need. I prefer space and privacy for this kind of thing and would not at all consider it lying to just not mention it until you have more information. I know plenty of other people who wouldn't have made it out of the exam room without texting someone, and that's fine too: everyone is different.

If he's going to actually ask, "How was your appointment today?" then you should consider at least making it clear that they're doing follow-up and you'll know more soon, but honestly even if you did want to actively lie and say "fine," I think it'd be entirely forgivable if you came back the next day and explained that you weren't up for talking about it before, but actually...
posted by teremala at 5:16 PM on November 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

I don't think it's a lie if your results haven't been confirmed. At worst, it's an omission, and really it is your health (mental and physical) that matter here so there's no reason not to go with your gut.

Wishing you the best with the test and hoping it is something innocuous...
posted by Pomo at 5:20 PM on November 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: First of all, I am sorry you're in this scary situation and I wish for the best outcome for you.

Second--your wishes, as the person in the centre ring at the moment, are what are most important here. If you want someone to lean on and that person is your husband, then tell him. If you want to be able to just pretend everything is normal for a day, that's your right too. It is not a betrayal. You have this internet stranger's permission to do what you really want, whether that is to tell your husband or not. Just make sure the reason you want to withhold it from him isn't because of concern for his feelings--this is literally all about you right now.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 5:52 PM on November 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

I didn't have a husband, but I was glad my sister and best friend were there when I was waiting to find out if it was ovarian torsion or cancer.

However, there was another part of me that would have been just as happy to not have to manage their worries as well as my own.

So, I think this is one case where it really is up to whichever you think will contribute more to your peace of mind
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:24 PM on November 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Data point, for whatever it's worth:
-- I would definitely want to be on the inside.
-- I would want to hold you.
-- I would love you in any/every way I could.
-- I would totally have your back.
posted by dancestoblue at 10:14 PM on November 13, 2018

Best answer: How would you feel if positions were reversed?
posted by AnOrigamiLife at 12:39 AM on November 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

I had a cancer scare recently and I wasn't going to tell my partner until I either had a clear diagnosis or I didn't. I'm super private about medical stuff and my partner has significant anxiety about the idea of me getting sick or dying (he lost a parent as a toddler and has some ongoing attachment anxiety stuff around this).

In the end I told him the day before one of my followup appointments, because I'd booked the appointment for a week later but the doctor's receptionist called me up and asked if I could actually come in the next day instead. At this point I majorly panicked, assumed they only wanted me to come back because it was definitely cancer (it wasn't, I think they were just being courteous in not making me wait a week for test results that nerve-wracking), and I couldn't really function or think straight or open my mouth without crying, so I ended up telling him and he came with me to the followup.

It was good to have his support, but it did majorly do a number on him anxiety-wise for the few days until I got the all-clear, and I also felt like I had to put emotional effort into managing his anxiety as well as my own. I'm not sure I would have done anything differently in retrospect given the way things played out with the appointment sequencing, but I also didn't get an entirely supportive experience from my dude because of how significant his anxiety was on top of my own.

At the same time, I really tend towards control-freakery and a lot of my disinclination towards telling my dude came from that rather than because I genuinely did want to spare him the worry or because I felt like I'd prefer to deal with it on my own; probably 70% of my desire not to tell anyone came from wanting to be rigidly and tightly in control of the situation, which wasn't particularly realistic or healthy. I also habitually manage other people's feelings whether they need me to or not (working on this in therapy), so at least some of it was wanting time to worry about me for my own sake and not feel like I also needed to absorb and contain someone else's worry.

Only you know yourself and your partner; I think having a clearer understanding of your own motivation for not telling him, as well as an objective view of how he's likely to react and whether or not he'd prefer knowing or not knowing, should be the things to guide your decision here.
posted by terretu at 1:10 AM on November 14, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: As the partner I would want to know so I could support you: “...for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...” and all that. Heck, it’s literally what relationships are for! :7)

Good luck, I hope you get good news.
posted by wenestvedt at 3:12 AM on November 14, 2018

You don’t actually know the result yet; there’s no reason not to be honest and say “The doctor told me she needs to do further testing and there’s a possibility it might be something serious. The uncertainty is really bothering me.”
posted by ocherdraco at 4:14 AM on November 14, 2018

I’m in a fairly similar situation. I had an appointment with one of my specialists about a month ago. He ordered a blood test that was specifically for neuroendocrin tumours. The test required that I stop one of my meds for at least two weeks. The likelihood I have a NET is low.

Immediate family live with me. They clearly know about my chronic illness and work to accommodate it. I generally keep them updated. But this time I’ve chosen to remain quiet.

The idea of telling them about this possibility and then have a three week wait until the blood test and then the results just felt like an unnecessarily anxious thing to share given the lack of anything anyone could do in the interim.

I had blood drawn yesterday and had hoped for results today. Maybe tomorrow.

I think I understand where you’re at. And whatever you do, I’m sure your partner will too.

Best wishes
posted by michswiss at 4:35 AM on November 14, 2018

Response by poster: Thank you all for your responses. I didn't reply to some questions last night because after the first few responses, I told my husband. He was amazing and said exactly what I needed to hear and asked me never to shut him out because I am worried about putting more on him emotionally.

My concerns were initially about the fact that he watched his step father fight cancer when he was a teenager and I feel terrible that he may have to watch it happen again.

I had an ultrasound yesterday, so the blood test is more for confirmation of what my doc saw.

Again thank you all. I'll mark this resolved when I am at a computer. A few of you may get memails as we find out more.
posted by it's always too late at 8:15 AM on November 14, 2018 [14 favorites]