My grandma has anxiety about me travelling

November 11, 2018 3:36 PM

I'm going on an international trip in April, for a period of 1-3 months, depending on how much money I can save by then. I'm from the US and going to South Korea and Japan. I plan to travel around these countries by myself and stay in hostels. I'm a 20 something woman. I live in a big city already, so I've developed street smarts. But my grandma's very anxious about me travelling and I don't know how to make her feel less worried.

Or make sure she'll be all right. Worrying is natural, but she can feel worried enough to feel physically and mentally sick. We're really close. She says she hears things on the news about women getting kidnapped while travelling. Any suggestions that might help her? I plan on keeping in touch daily with my family and having enough money in case there's an emergency back home. And I also plan on getting travel insurance. I feel guilty that I might leave her in a state that she can't relax because she's fearing for my safety. But this trip is very important.

posted by starlybri to Human Relations (12 answers total)

You are not responsible for your grandmothers overbearing anxieties about your travel. Reassure her once, then stop reinforcing the anxiety loop by not participating in any anxiety rituals - excessive worry, repetitive questions, etc.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 4:13 PM on November 11, 2018 [33 favorites]

Depending on the bigger picture of who she is and your relationship, it might be nice to distract her with other details -- the amazing things you be seeing, the foods you want to try, etc. If she's at all capable of it, you could hook her up with your Instagram or a special blog you make that only she really knows about -- post pictures for her, etc. Show her the fun you're having as the days and weeks go by.
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:24 PM on November 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

honestly the only way i am able to deal with family members like this is to lie. lie about where i'm going, lie about who i'm going with, lie about when i'm going or what i'm doing, because the peace of mind i get from not having to deal with someone else's pathological and irrational anxiety is worth it, as is the peace of mind their lack of knowledge about my actual life will bring them. this is 100% not a problem for me but i understand others might feel differently.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:29 PM on November 11, 2018 [23 favorites]

It sounds like she may be experiencing anxiety, and that's something you probably won't be able to rationalize away no matter how hard you try or how much you reassure her. That's why anxiety sucks.

I'm not saying don't try to reassure her, though. It's kind of you to want to make her feel better and you shouldn't give up on that. Just don't devote all your energy to it, or let yourself feel bad about it, because ultimately it's something that's truly out of your control.

What you can do: ask her what would make her feel better. Be very clear that the trip is important to you and you're not going to cancel it, but you'd like to know what you could do to reassure her. If her requests are reasonable, consider them. If they're not reasonable, tell her so, and be clear about what you are willing to do instead (message daily, send photos, get travel insurance, check in with the embassy, have emergency cash, whatever). Focus on the practical personal, social, professional, whatever benefits this trip will have for you.

My ex's mom had this sort of severe anxiety about us traveling, too. We tried the rational approach (here are the stats, here's how unrealistic your worries are, we're adults who've been taking care of ourselves for years, we already live across the country from you do you realize how ridiculous it is that you're worrying about us flying two states away?) before realizing it was pathological anxiety. Then we spent many years trying to deal with it by not telling her when we were traveling and even lying outright if necessary ("No she can't come to the phone right now, she's in Canada in the shower"). Both approaches were exhausting. Not lying, but also being firm but gentle about the fact that we're doing this, we're taking reasonable precautions, and we're not going to spend hours trying to reassure you when we know it's not going to work, made it a little easier to deal with. She also eventually started getting a little better about it after we successfully returned from several trips alive, unrobbed, and unharmed.
posted by rhiannonstone at 4:36 PM on November 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

The best way to help her is to go on the trip and come back and tell her all about it. Irrational worrying about worst-case scenarios is best cured by hard evidence of doing something without bad stuff happening.
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 4:54 PM on November 11, 2018 [1 favorite]

My family is also a lying family, and every once in a while some lie turns feral on us but for the most part, especially as regards the senior members of the family? It works out pretty well. Make up factors of the trip that will sound safe to her (you'll have a full-time native guide who's an olympic martial arts champion AND former restaurant inspector who's also a hobby architect/art historian/some other thing you're super into), plus you're filing your travel plan with the US embassy and they check in with you every day, etc etc.

But also, just talk about it less, if you can.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:14 PM on November 11, 2018 [3 favorites]

My mother freaked the F out about me doing a yachting story in Dubai. (She didn't know I was reporting from Iraq until the last week, when I started feeling guilty because things were getting hairy.) When I was back, she freaked the F out because I was having dinner IN A BAR in my old NYC neighborhood. AT NINE P.M.

Anxious gonna anxious. Japan and South Korea, relatively speaking, are MUCH safer for humans than the good ol' US of Lie, or tell the truth and go a little hard on the "get over it, grandma" side. Her anxiety is not your problem.
posted by cyndigo at 5:54 PM on November 11, 2018 [7 favorites]

nthing "lie" to preserve her sanity and therefore yours. Obviously you've already told her about this trip so it's too late to not mention it. Is there a reasonable way you can tell her you've decided not to go? Otherwise, do as Lyn Never suggests and provide fictional details that will make her feel better. Your male friend who moonlights as a bodyguard decided to join you on your trip! etc
posted by sunflower16 at 8:16 PM on November 11, 2018

You might find this previous AskMe relevant. A woman who loved camping was dealing with her over-anxious mother and anxiety from #MeToo stories.
posted by sdrawkcaSSAb at 5:32 AM on November 12, 2018 [1 favorite]

Is there any chance your grandma would be open to seeking treatment for her anxiety? That would be ideal.
posted by bunderful at 7:41 AM on November 12, 2018

One thing I would NOT do is promise to check in every single day while travelling. You may end up doing so - there's certainly nothing wrong with calling daily if it works out that you are able to. However, if you agree to a strict schedule of check-ins and then something comes up that prevents you from calling that day, it can backfire on you. The worry and anxiety and magical thinking that are built up around that check-in phone call can really cause someone to freak out if you miss it, even though it's 99.9% likely that you just weren't able to charge your phone or something. And you're travelling so sticking to a schedule is harder - it's extremely likely that at least one day something will come up and cause you to miss a call.

So I would perhaps plan to myself to call daily, but not express this plan out loud to your grandma. That way a call every day or so is a pleasant way to keep in touch and share fun experiences rather than something she waits for filled with anxiety.
posted by DSime at 10:18 AM on November 12, 2018 [5 favorites]

Statistically speaking, you are waaaay safer as a 20-something woman traveling in Japan than you are at home in the New York-ish area. I'm not as sure about South Korea, but it's probably still much safer. If you think your grandmother will be swayed by data, you could compile some, and you would not be lying at all.
posted by heatherlogan at 6:06 PM on November 12, 2018