Making new friends, for shy introverts
October 22, 2018 1:32 PM   Subscribe

How do you make new friends when you freeze up every time you're in a group situation?

I'm a 37 year old woman, single with no kids. In recent years I've found myself with very few friends, and I'm having trouble finding new ones.

I tend to do really well when I meet people on a one-to-one basis, or in very small groups, but I tend to freeze up when there are more than 3 or 4 other people. Last year I thought I finally had a group of girlfriends to do things with - but one of them moved out of state, one has more or less ghosted me, and one is dealing with chronic health problems and is usually not feeling up to doing anything.

I'm not completely friendless ; I do have a few friends here, but I see them maybe once or twice a month. I feel like I go through phases in which my social calendar is fairly full, and other times, like the past couple of months, where I don't hear from anyone. And yes, I do try to reach out to people - but either they say they are busy with work, or they have other plans. And I have a lot of fear of rejection, so asking people to do things with me is very scary, and I'm not that great at putting myself out there.

I've tried different meetup groups, and I'm in a book club right now that I'm enjoying, but usually when I go to a meetup group I find it impossible to talk to other people. If it was a group that the same people attended every time it would be different, but I'm so tired of meeting different people every time and not being able to talk to them. It's like my brain just freezes up when I'm in a group. I play in a community band and I have one real friend there (mostly because she initiated the friendship) and I always struggle to talk to the rest of the band members, even though they are great people. I've also thought about joining a church - but again, too many people! I've been talking to a therapist about this, but he hasn't been very helpful so far (although I should note that I just started seeing him and I've only seen him twice so far).

Does anyone know have any suggestions as to where I should be looking for friends? Is joining groups really the only way I can meet people?
posted by silverandlilac to Human Relations (10 answers total) 32 users marked this as a favorite
 
MetaFilter is packed with shy introvert(s). I am not kidding. Call for a meetup!
posted by rtha at 1:41 PM on October 22, 2018 [5 favorites]


I'm like you - I don't love group situations and find one-on-one far more rewarding.

I've been experimenting with bumble bff. I like it so far! Still early days for me. But I have a lunch scheduled with a lovely-seeming person this week. I say in my profile that I'm an "outgoing introvert" looking for "creative weirdos" and that seems to attract sweet, slightly socially-anxious people that it's been a pleasure communicating with so far.

They key is to (try to) take nothing personally. People won't respond to you - that's OK and it means nothing (or could mean anything). Focus on the people who have a similar communication style to you. If you're not getting the right vibe, stop communicating with them.

Also, being social is hard for anyone and it sounds like maybe you might have a touch of the ol' social anxiety (?) Focus on trying to reduce that anxiety overall, while also pursuing new friendships if you're up to it. And give yourself a break too! It's tough :)
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 2:02 PM on October 22, 2018 [5 favorites]


I know you said you don't like group settings, but the next time when you find yourself in one, If possible, I try to find opportunities to connect in a group setting, after discussions already have occurred. If you can attend any local salons in your area where people are talking and bringing up thought provoking points or questions that you like, feel free to engage them in a one-on-one conversation while everyone mingles. I socialize best in shared-interest spaces, because I find it a lot easier to ask questions about other people's interests, be a good listener, and ask them to elaborate more. It makes conversations a real joy and less arduous, because then I can share things I'm working on and then we'll see if the conversation continues from there. If not, no sweat.
posted by yueliang at 2:09 PM on October 22, 2018


Most church congregations will have smaller committee-type groups (outreach, Bible study, volunteering, etc.) where you'll see the same people at each meeting. Joining a team (athletics, but also trivia and other hobbies) offers the same familiarity.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:12 PM on October 22, 2018


Hi fellow shy introvert in their 30s!

For me, the idea of a Metafilter meetup is torture. I have too much social anxiety and fear of rejection. Like, this site means a lot to me, if if one person didn’t care for me in the meetup it would make me sad to use the site. I offer this as a measure of how sensitive and anxious I am. But I have successfully made friends in the following ways!

First, I started volunteering at the local humane society. It got me into the habit of leaving the house even during quiet social times. (Sometimes if I don’t have a lot going on, leaving the house starts to feel like too much.) Over the past two years I’ve become friendly with loads of people and gotten to know some people really well. The part I love the best — I mean other than dogs, duh — is that I actually don’t feel like I need to hang out with these people other than volunteering. It’s so nice to not have to deal with logistics and awkwardly taking the friendship to the next level type stuff. I volunteer at the same times every week and so do those people and we get to chat and catch up. It’s awesome for an introvert to not have to make that leap. I highly recommend some volunteer opportunity you can do on a regular basis for this reason and also so you’re not doing it only to make friends and feeling awful if you don’t. You’re volunteering so you feel needed and that’s feel good and confidence boosting. It’s also a good source of small talk when you need it for other social situations (and a source of conversation around shared interests while volunteering, naturally).

Following this model, I added a weekly yoga class that runs in continuous 8 week series. It’s another thing that I would do anyway so it didn’t have the feeling of “oh god if I don’t make friends I’m a total loser.” The same folks tend to sign up for each series so over time we get to chatting and then the teacher and I got to know each other and before long I had invitations to other actitivies and then those led to hanging out with folks outside class. Are there classes you’re interested in near you? It really doesn’t need to be fitness orientated. I think yoga works for me because it’s with a well known instructor who is very involved with the community and very friendly so we chat before and after class. The key is something like a knitting class or life drawing or other friendly activity that isn’t basically just a social occasion (like a Meetup group), but one that teaches a skill.

Activities that didn’t work for me: apps for friends (I did OKCupid and Her just looking for friends and maybe those platforms are awful but it felt like it took a lot of time/effort), Meetup.com groups for anything (too hard to penetrate, either too big or too small, and anxiety provoking as fuck) and meeting people at conferences or workshops related to my job or close interests (too draining by the end of the first day or even first hour to be outgoing). My key for making friends: low stakes, something I would enjoy doing even if it didn’t lead to friends, and endlessly repeatable because it helps to continue to see the same people and get comfortable with them without feeling pressure. Though I definitely have gotten better at making the leap to inviting people to hang out or exchanging phone numbers and the like once it worked out well the first few times.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 4:34 PM on October 22, 2018 [19 favorites]


One thing I should mention is that I took another yoga class for two years before the one I take now and didn’t even learn anyone’s name, people were not interested in socializing. Wish I hadn’t stayed with that one for so long. It’s definitely worth it to find classes or volunteering situations that have a friendly vibe. (And, uh, extreme life hack: I also moved from an unfriendly city to a very friendly one which definitely helped me make friends.)
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 4:39 PM on October 22, 2018


I could write almost all of this.

Keep going to therapy - it takes time (depending on the therapist and the methodology, of course).

Check out a church. I'm a member of a church where I attend services irregularly, but I'm involved in activities which involve meeting up with smaller groups.

Try some volunteering - some volunteer groups are better for making friends than others, so don't be shy about checking out a few before you commit.

I like classes because they give me a way to be around people that is structured and controlled. It takes me a while to get to know people, but it's less intimidating and frustrating than a meetup, and it feels okay to focused on the class thing instead of making conversation all the time. Same thing for choirs.

Sometimes you meet one person who's really active and outgoing and loves putting together events and introducing people to each other. Many of my friends are extroverts who "adopted" me.
posted by bunderful at 7:10 PM on October 22, 2018


All of the above, and if you meditate or are curious about meditation, find a local group that “sits” together - most sits are silent.
posted by matildaben at 8:20 PM on October 22, 2018


I'm also horrible in groups, and I do pretty well with finding ways to start one on one conversations at larger events. Find someone standing alone or a couple who look bored or the person next to you at the snack table and ask a benign question (have you come to this before? is one I like for meetups). If you're standing around in a big circle, start a side conversation with a neighbor. If there's an organizer, say hi and thank them, they are usually extraverts and will introduce you to folks. If you can't find an in anywhere, go to the bathroom or hit the water fountain and try again in a couple minutes. Having a plan so I'm not just standing there alone and stressing out about it is key. Giving myself permission to go be alone for a couple minutes in a bathroom stall makes even networking events endurable.

And have achievable expectations - you can control "I will go to this event and talk to someone", you can't control if they'll respond well and you'll become friends. They may also be anxious and clamming up, they may be tired, maybe you look like their ex or something. Very few people are going to make the leap to actual friends and that's fine. But repeated exposure is a big way friendships are formed, so keep showing up to stuff and saying hi and asking about how Marvin's ham radio exam that he was nervous about last month went.
posted by momus_window at 10:43 PM on October 22, 2018 [2 favorites]


I know your existing friendship group is currently a bit scattered, but would one or two of them be willing to accompany you on your first time to a couple of new activities? Whenever I have tried Meetup it has helped me a lot having a friend chum me along those crucial first one or two times. Our circumstances are probably quite different but I think people have treated me better those times too, almost like the other person is "vouching" for me, versus me just being a random guy off the street.

I have tried beginner level French and enjoyed the structured and controlled little interactions in the group exercises, even though I made no friends from that particular class intake I might give it a go another time. It felt like a step in between "around other people but not talking to them" (which I do at my local coffee shop) and full on trying to socialise with others at Meetup (which is very hit and miss and because I have social anxiety really requires a host with some skill for it to work for me).

Good luck to you I think this problem is * MUCH * more common than you realise so it's good you are addressing it and not just hoping it will go away.
posted by AuroraSky at 7:24 AM on October 23, 2018 [1 favorite]


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