Help me help my "short" son
October 17, 2018 12:34 PM Subscribe
Because Medical Reasons, it's been confirmed that my son's growth plate is closed and he basically won't grow any taller. He's about 5'8" now, though doc says he "might" get another 1/2 inch from his spine in the coming years. He's very bummed about this. Please help me help him work through it.
I, Mom, happen to be very short, and everyone in my extended family is very short. Dad is 6'1", though he is the sole tall person in an average-to-short family. It's no big surprise that Kid wasn't going to be super tall.
Kid has somehow developed ideas about what the "right" height for a male is, and is feeling all sorts of bummed about not reaching it. He sees that he's under the average height for a North American male. Meanwhile, he's handsome, smart, personable, has friends, has a (budding) romantic relationship, is physically strong & good at the sport he does -- in short, he's thriving in all sorts of ways. But he's definitely sad about this.
How can I help him work through this to a point of acceptance?
I, Mom, happen to be very short, and everyone in my extended family is very short. Dad is 6'1", though he is the sole tall person in an average-to-short family. It's no big surprise that Kid wasn't going to be super tall.
Kid has somehow developed ideas about what the "right" height for a male is, and is feeling all sorts of bummed about not reaching it. He sees that he's under the average height for a North American male. Meanwhile, he's handsome, smart, personable, has friends, has a (budding) romantic relationship, is physically strong & good at the sport he does -- in short, he's thriving in all sorts of ways. But he's definitely sad about this.
How can I help him work through this to a point of acceptance?
Hi there,
I'm 5'8" and both the tallest and shortest person in my respective families. There are more than plenty of successful men out there that are under 6' tall, and height is generally not a factor in today's business or societal world, especially as communication becomes less and less in person.
It might be helpful to have him look into successful or famous "stereotypical" men that are under 6' tall (such as Robert Downey Jr., Al Pacino, Roger Daltry, Jack Black, etc. etc.). If you know of local businessmen in higher positions that are under 6' tall, maybe he can reach out and they can discuss his concerns about how is height may (or likely won't) affect his future.
How do his clothes fit him? Do his pants always run long? That can affect how he feels and can make him feel shorter than he is. Also, does he have a well-tailored suit? Do you/he have the means to get him a good suit, and the other things that go with it (shoes, belt, shirt/s, tie, etc)? Getting him into a good power suit, and well-fitted clothes, may help boost his confidence overall, and see that his height is generally irrelevant.
Feel free to PM me with questions. :)
posted by RhysPenbras at 12:44 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
I'm 5'8" and both the tallest and shortest person in my respective families. There are more than plenty of successful men out there that are under 6' tall, and height is generally not a factor in today's business or societal world, especially as communication becomes less and less in person.
It might be helpful to have him look into successful or famous "stereotypical" men that are under 6' tall (such as Robert Downey Jr., Al Pacino, Roger Daltry, Jack Black, etc. etc.). If you know of local businessmen in higher positions that are under 6' tall, maybe he can reach out and they can discuss his concerns about how is height may (or likely won't) affect his future.
How do his clothes fit him? Do his pants always run long? That can affect how he feels and can make him feel shorter than he is. Also, does he have a well-tailored suit? Do you/he have the means to get him a good suit, and the other things that go with it (shoes, belt, shirt/s, tie, etc)? Getting him into a good power suit, and well-fitted clothes, may help boost his confidence overall, and see that his height is generally irrelevant.
Feel free to PM me with questions. :)
posted by RhysPenbras at 12:44 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
I am a 5'4" male and would KILL to be 5'8".
posted by briank at 12:52 PM on October 17, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by briank at 12:52 PM on October 17, 2018 [10 favorites]
I'm 5'7"? Maybe a little taller? I honestly don't think it's ever occurred to me in my life to want to be any taller. It is what it is. I don't think I've ever perceived it as a disadvantage, to be honest.
I don't know what you can do to lead him to accepting his body, but since he is expressing anxiety over his height, you should try to steer him hard away from internet forums for "short" dudes (mostly thinking about Reddit, here), because they are super-insanely toxic and full of men who blame every social failing on their height. Just from casual brushes with them, these communities appear to be funnels toward gross MGTOW-redpill creepery.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:52 PM on October 17, 2018 [49 favorites]
I don't know what you can do to lead him to accepting his body, but since he is expressing anxiety over his height, you should try to steer him hard away from internet forums for "short" dudes (mostly thinking about Reddit, here), because they are super-insanely toxic and full of men who blame every social failing on their height. Just from casual brushes with them, these communities appear to be funnels toward gross MGTOW-redpill creepery.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:52 PM on October 17, 2018 [49 favorites]
He's dealing with a disappointment, but I'd hesitate to make it into a thing that you're going to process with him. If he wants to talk or you find that he's gotten into a loop where he's constantly mentioning it in a self-deprecating way, you can engage further, but otherwise, leave it be.
He's not the only one who has to deal with physical disappointments and being 5' 8" is on the lower end of how challenging these things can be. Encourage activities and behaviors that lead to him gaining confidence and great communication skills. Those will pay off way more over time than some additional inches.
posted by quince at 12:52 PM on October 17, 2018 [12 favorites]
He's not the only one who has to deal with physical disappointments and being 5' 8" is on the lower end of how challenging these things can be. Encourage activities and behaviors that lead to him gaining confidence and great communication skills. Those will pay off way more over time than some additional inches.
posted by quince at 12:52 PM on October 17, 2018 [12 favorites]
He's already an inch taller than Tom Cruise, if that's of any consolation.
posted by craven_morhead at 12:54 PM on October 17, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by craven_morhead at 12:54 PM on October 17, 2018 [19 favorites]
As someone who is not conventially considered attractive, it helps when you’re raised with a lot of critical thinking skills about why society values what they do. Why is being tall seen as important? Because men are supposed to be stronger and bigger than women because being feminine is bad. Short men also get teased about penis size (not because it’s correlated by in popular culture it’s linked) which is another message about masculinity and the role that men are expected to play.
Talk about these roles and give your son the tools to start questioning it himself. Yeah, it’s always going to be sad to live in a world where one of the most identifiable physical attributes isn’t considered to be good. There is no way to get around that we all swim in a culture that makes us think good looking people are actually morally good, smarter, more talented. You cannot change the culture but you can change your reaction to it. Link the messages your son is getting to his height to other messages we get that fall down under closer inspection. Do you have to be tall to be a man? Do men have to dominate women in order to be attractive to them? Is masculinity tied to looks?
Don’t build him up by putting other people down. My mother gave me a lot of issues with beautiful, thin women by doing this. Just have a casual but consistent dialogue with him to break down stereotypes when you see them in all aspects of his life. He needs these tools regardless of what he looks like. Just voice the questions — he’s too old for this it sounds, but the only example I can think of watching Disney movies and more geared towards female identified folks but you know what I mean: why is the evil one in The Little Mermaid fat? Why is the stepmother jealous of her beautiful stepdaughter? That kind of questions. At the heart of the problem is that we are taught we are ugly and that only external forces can fix us...AKA sexism! He can make the leap between being critical about gender roles and beauty standards and what we are told is attractive to apply the lesson to himself, that he doesn’t have to be tall to be desirable and good inside and out.
It’s important to seek out media representstions of men who look like him going about their day without height factoring in. He can find Tumblr or other online media with shorter men being successful and living rich lives. You can’t accept yourself if you never see yourself represented in culture. I don’t know if he’d be receptive to you doing it for him but encourage him to seek out role models who look like him.
If you are able: without making it a big deal or complaining about cost, help him dress to fit the image he has of himself. Don’t make your son feel like this is a burden because it’s not a big deal as a grown up to find clothes that fit if you get over expecting to be able to walk in a store and fit off the rack. Clothes sometimes cost more when you need customizations but thanks to the internet he can dress like a goth, punk, preppy, hipster, or just whatever makes him feel more him.
In general teach him resiliency and critical thinking. Don’t make his height something taboo and don’t make it his defining feature, but make sure he knows that you’re aware of the negative stereotypes people have about people who fall outside what society considers acceptable and don’t put down people who have a body diversity you don’t find attractive. Fat, thin, short, tall, able bodied, not able bodied, all of those things. Be a role model for finding body diversity to be a good thing.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 1:02 PM on October 17, 2018 [32 favorites]
Talk about these roles and give your son the tools to start questioning it himself. Yeah, it’s always going to be sad to live in a world where one of the most identifiable physical attributes isn’t considered to be good. There is no way to get around that we all swim in a culture that makes us think good looking people are actually morally good, smarter, more talented. You cannot change the culture but you can change your reaction to it. Link the messages your son is getting to his height to other messages we get that fall down under closer inspection. Do you have to be tall to be a man? Do men have to dominate women in order to be attractive to them? Is masculinity tied to looks?
Don’t build him up by putting other people down. My mother gave me a lot of issues with beautiful, thin women by doing this. Just have a casual but consistent dialogue with him to break down stereotypes when you see them in all aspects of his life. He needs these tools regardless of what he looks like. Just voice the questions — he’s too old for this it sounds, but the only example I can think of watching Disney movies and more geared towards female identified folks but you know what I mean: why is the evil one in The Little Mermaid fat? Why is the stepmother jealous of her beautiful stepdaughter? That kind of questions. At the heart of the problem is that we are taught we are ugly and that only external forces can fix us...AKA sexism! He can make the leap between being critical about gender roles and beauty standards and what we are told is attractive to apply the lesson to himself, that he doesn’t have to be tall to be desirable and good inside and out.
It’s important to seek out media representstions of men who look like him going about their day without height factoring in. He can find Tumblr or other online media with shorter men being successful and living rich lives. You can’t accept yourself if you never see yourself represented in culture. I don’t know if he’d be receptive to you doing it for him but encourage him to seek out role models who look like him.
If you are able: without making it a big deal or complaining about cost, help him dress to fit the image he has of himself. Don’t make your son feel like this is a burden because it’s not a big deal as a grown up to find clothes that fit if you get over expecting to be able to walk in a store and fit off the rack. Clothes sometimes cost more when you need customizations but thanks to the internet he can dress like a goth, punk, preppy, hipster, or just whatever makes him feel more him.
In general teach him resiliency and critical thinking. Don’t make his height something taboo and don’t make it his defining feature, but make sure he knows that you’re aware of the negative stereotypes people have about people who fall outside what society considers acceptable and don’t put down people who have a body diversity you don’t find attractive. Fat, thin, short, tall, able bodied, not able bodied, all of those things. Be a role model for finding body diversity to be a good thing.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 1:02 PM on October 17, 2018 [32 favorites]
Yeah, seconding quince. I mean, you could show him lists of "famous people you didn't realize were short" until you're blue in the face, but if he's still in a place of negativity about this he may just spin that into "yeah, but that's different because they're famous". He has to get past the initial disappointment first, and all the other positives in his life can help with that.
My hunch is that your role is to make sure that he's staying open to all the other positives, as opposed to helping him cope with being shorter than he thought he'd be.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:02 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
My hunch is that your role is to make sure that he's staying open to all the other positives, as opposed to helping him cope with being shorter than he thought he'd be.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:02 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't think 5'8 sounds short. I mean your son may not care what I think, but I think it sounds like a regular man height. If 6 feet is his magic number, you could let him know that the overwhelming majority of men in the US are under 6 feet tall. If he's somehow gotten the idea it's normal or expected for men to be over 6 feet, that's just plain wrong. He may not care, but he's wrong. He's below average, but almost half of men are below average height for men. So being below average is almost as "normal" (statistically) as being above average.
But really, I don't think there's anything you can say that will talk him out of his feelings. You can't statistically prove him happy. You haven't said how old he is, but the idea of having a height in mind for how tall men are "supposed" to be makes him sound very young. It's hard being a teenager. You probably can't make that better other than to be around and love him.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 1:02 PM on October 17, 2018 [9 favorites]
But really, I don't think there's anything you can say that will talk him out of his feelings. You can't statistically prove him happy. You haven't said how old he is, but the idea of having a height in mind for how tall men are "supposed" to be makes him sound very young. It's hard being a teenager. You probably can't make that better other than to be around and love him.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 1:02 PM on October 17, 2018 [9 favorites]
I'm his height and don't think of myself short. You know what helps? Looking at those height comparison charts on Wikipedia where they place a human silhouettes next to other species.
Humans have got nothing on an Alamosaurus.
Or even your average stop sign.
We're literally a bunch of vertically stacked organs and our spine would be better off if we ended our bipedal ways.
He may have to conclude the absurdity of height on his own, however.
posted by cichlid ceilidh at 1:06 PM on October 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
Humans have got nothing on an Alamosaurus.
Or even your average stop sign.
We're literally a bunch of vertically stacked organs and our spine would be better off if we ended our bipedal ways.
He may have to conclude the absurdity of height on his own, however.
posted by cichlid ceilidh at 1:06 PM on October 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
I don't know if you're in the US, but Wikipedia says the average American male is 5'-9" tall. So he'll only be 1/2" or 1" below the average height... Half of everyone is below average height!
I think part of growing up sometimes can be accepting that we won't be "above average" in every respect. I think it's okay to have feelings about that, and you shouldn't tell him his feelings are not valid, but you can remind him of all of the many other ways that he is fortunate and healthy.
posted by beandip at 1:14 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think part of growing up sometimes can be accepting that we won't be "above average" in every respect. I think it's okay to have feelings about that, and you shouldn't tell him his feelings are not valid, but you can remind him of all of the many other ways that he is fortunate and healthy.
posted by beandip at 1:14 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
Since when is 5'8" "short?" Isn't that like the average height for dudes? Maybe it's just because that is my height, but I've never thought of it as anything more or less than abotu average. "Tall" starts at 6 feet and everything above. Short is like 5'6" and below.
posted by GoblinHoney at 1:17 PM on October 17, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by GoblinHoney at 1:17 PM on October 17, 2018 [14 favorites]
So much of perceived height is how a person carries him or her self. A 5'8" man with excellent posture, a confident walk, and well-fitting clothing comes off as much taller than a 5'10" man who slouches and shuffles and wears ill-fitting clothes.
Vladimir Putin, who should be nobody's role model, but who is definitely terrifying, is 5'7".
posted by millipede at 1:24 PM on October 17, 2018 [19 favorites]
Vladimir Putin, who should be nobody's role model, but who is definitely terrifying, is 5'7".
posted by millipede at 1:24 PM on October 17, 2018 [19 favorites]
I am around your son's height and I have always thought of it as more "average" than "short," although I know there exist people who do not see it that way.
I'll nth the advice that this sounds like something he can work out on his own. The only exception is uncleozzy's point about internet forums for "short" dudes, which I agree are quite horrible based on my limited brushes with them. So maybe keep an eye out for that, but mostly stay out of his way.
One unheralded positive about being around this height: pretty much everything is designed for people who are around your size, so you are reasonably comfortable in most circumstances. I think there are certain frustrations that tall folks have to deal with that just never occur to us middling-height folks.
posted by breakin' the law at 1:25 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'll nth the advice that this sounds like something he can work out on his own. The only exception is uncleozzy's point about internet forums for "short" dudes, which I agree are quite horrible based on my limited brushes with them. So maybe keep an eye out for that, but mostly stay out of his way.
One unheralded positive about being around this height: pretty much everything is designed for people who are around your size, so you are reasonably comfortable in most circumstances. I think there are certain frustrations that tall folks have to deal with that just never occur to us middling-height folks.
posted by breakin' the law at 1:25 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
We have an older male friend who ascribes all his problems in life and with women to being 5’8” (spoiler alert: he’s not 5’8” because he’s shorter than me and I’m 5’7” at best). This is not at all his problem, his attitude about life and women is the problem.
We have an incredibly good friend who is 5’6” and a happy man: confident, handsome, funny, awesome, successful and with plenty of friends and an awesome wife. His height is not a problem in any way precisely because he doesn’t see it as a problem in any way.
So, honest advice: Do not focus on his height at all, just foster his general self-confidence. Adults who don’t worry about their height are adults whose height becomes irrelevant.
posted by lydhre at 1:30 PM on October 17, 2018 [38 favorites]
We have an incredibly good friend who is 5’6” and a happy man: confident, handsome, funny, awesome, successful and with plenty of friends and an awesome wife. His height is not a problem in any way precisely because he doesn’t see it as a problem in any way.
So, honest advice: Do not focus on his height at all, just foster his general self-confidence. Adults who don’t worry about their height are adults whose height becomes irrelevant.
posted by lydhre at 1:30 PM on October 17, 2018 [38 favorites]
What sport does he play? Lionel Messi and Andrés Iniesta, both soccer/football players for FC Barcelona, are both 5'7". You can't get much more top of the game than Messi, with five ballons d'or.
posted by Liesl at 1:30 PM on October 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Liesl at 1:30 PM on October 17, 2018 [6 favorites]
I'm 5'7" and have found my smaller stature to be an advantage as often as a disadvantage. I can't reach as high, but I can fit into smaller spaces. It's an asset in some occupations; most of the people who do my job are smaller guys.
Socially, it's never seemed to matter one way or the other. People say all kinds of stuff about it mattering but I just haven't seen it in real life.
You probably can't change the way he feels about it,
though. If he wants to get over it faster, a therapist might be able to help. But honestly, nobody gets exactly the body they would've wanted. You have to come to terms with the body you have.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:32 PM on October 17, 2018
Socially, it's never seemed to matter one way or the other. People say all kinds of stuff about it mattering but I just haven't seen it in real life.
You probably can't change the way he feels about it,
though. If he wants to get over it faster, a therapist might be able to help. But honestly, nobody gets exactly the body they would've wanted. You have to come to terms with the body you have.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:32 PM on October 17, 2018
I'm 5"4' and taller than my stepfather and my mom is my stepfather's third wife.
Kid has somehow developed ideas about what the "right" height for a male is
Oh dear God he's not reading that toxic cesspool of a sub for bitter, angry, mal-adjusted manbabies that is r/short is he? Because I bet he is. Were I a parent of son reading that shit, I would go to literally any lengths to stop my child reading that kind of thing, including but not limited to blocking reddit and taking away his phone until he is 18.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:34 PM on October 17, 2018 [23 favorites]
Kid has somehow developed ideas about what the "right" height for a male is
Oh dear God he's not reading that toxic cesspool of a sub for bitter, angry, mal-adjusted manbabies that is r/short is he? Because I bet he is. Were I a parent of son reading that shit, I would go to literally any lengths to stop my child reading that kind of thing, including but not limited to blocking reddit and taking away his phone until he is 18.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:34 PM on October 17, 2018 [23 favorites]
5'3 (and actually much closer to 5'2") Looks like I win the race to the bottom!
Seriously, self-acceptance is something that he has to come into on his own. Advise him to stay away from /r/short and then love and accept him for who he is. We all have things about ourselves that we don't like and wish we could change. But we can't, so we have to learn to love ourselves as we are. It's a natural part of growing up, and your son will get there, eventually. Give him lots of love and patience, in the mean time.
posted by Mr. Fig at 1:36 PM on October 17, 2018 [9 favorites]
Seriously, self-acceptance is something that he has to come into on his own. Advise him to stay away from /r/short and then love and accept him for who he is. We all have things about ourselves that we don't like and wish we could change. But we can't, so we have to learn to love ourselves as we are. It's a natural part of growing up, and your son will get there, eventually. Give him lots of love and patience, in the mean time.
posted by Mr. Fig at 1:36 PM on October 17, 2018 [9 favorites]
If he's worrying about dating, he shouldn't, both because successfully dating is very possible for short guys, and because he's not particularly short. I'm a 5'7" woman, which is sort of the bottom edge of being tall for an American woman, and he's taller than I am. (Also, my 6'1" sister spent 7 or 8 years in a relationship with a guy who was around 5'6", and his height wasn't the problem with him at all. The global warming denial was.)
One piece of life advice, which you didn't actually ask for on his behalf? In any circumstance where there's a reason for him to give his height, if he is scrupulously accurate about it, people will notice it as evidence that he's not an egotistical twerp. You would not believe (oh, you probably would, it happens to everyone) the number of men who say they're 5'10" who I'm taller than. A man who says he's 5'8", and is 5'8", instantly comes off as a mensch.
posted by LizardBreath at 1:37 PM on October 17, 2018 [19 favorites]
One piece of life advice, which you didn't actually ask for on his behalf? In any circumstance where there's a reason for him to give his height, if he is scrupulously accurate about it, people will notice it as evidence that he's not an egotistical twerp. You would not believe (oh, you probably would, it happens to everyone) the number of men who say they're 5'10" who I'm taller than. A man who says he's 5'8", and is 5'8", instantly comes off as a mensch.
posted by LizardBreath at 1:37 PM on October 17, 2018 [19 favorites]
I actually miss being short. I'm 6' now, but when I started high school, I was 4'11". My first driver's license said I was 5'4". I liked it that way. Now I'm not special anymore.
This is one way you could approach it: different is special. It's a tough sell when you're young and trying to fit in. But as he gets older, he'll realize that difference can be an important part of self-identity. Think of people with gap teeth. They all hate smiling when they're kids, but then it becomes their trademark, and people like Michael Strahan show it off as often as possible.
One of the things I liked about being short was how people underestimated you. In sports, you're always picked last, regardless of your skill level. Then when you actually play well, everyone is shocked, like "oh look, Shorty can ball!" (And if you don't play well, you're not letting anyone down the way a 6'7" dude who can't play basketball does.)
You do have to work harder to play certain sports, but that extra work can really pay off. You'll play with solid fundamentals, effort, and finesse rather than relying on natural talent, and every coach in the world knows which one they'd rather have on their team.
Small stature can actually be a benefit in combat sports, which are segregated into weight classes. It's a lot easier for someone who's 5'8" to weigh 140 pounds than it is for someone who's 6'3" (and if a 6'3" dude does weight 140, he's probably not much of a fighter). I have a couple of friends who earned varsity letters in wrestling in high school because they were small and skinny Indians, and other schools couldn't find anyone small enough to wrestle against them, so they won by forfeit. I don't think I'd recommend cagefighting or anything, but martial arts like taekwondo and judo have been shown to increase self-esteem anyway. It's like a double boost.
All my examples are about sports because, really, I can't think of any other situations in life where being 5'8" would be a problem. I guess there are some women who don't like to date shorter men. But really, 5'8" is on the taller side for women, and women who are taller than he is are probably going through the same thing he is, only from the other side. It's something they have in common.
But yeah, in educational or business contexts, height isn't a factor one way or the other.
Further data points: James Madison was 5'4". Alexander Pope was 4'6". They did OK.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:38 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is one way you could approach it: different is special. It's a tough sell when you're young and trying to fit in. But as he gets older, he'll realize that difference can be an important part of self-identity. Think of people with gap teeth. They all hate smiling when they're kids, but then it becomes their trademark, and people like Michael Strahan show it off as often as possible.
One of the things I liked about being short was how people underestimated you. In sports, you're always picked last, regardless of your skill level. Then when you actually play well, everyone is shocked, like "oh look, Shorty can ball!" (And if you don't play well, you're not letting anyone down the way a 6'7" dude who can't play basketball does.)
You do have to work harder to play certain sports, but that extra work can really pay off. You'll play with solid fundamentals, effort, and finesse rather than relying on natural talent, and every coach in the world knows which one they'd rather have on their team.
Small stature can actually be a benefit in combat sports, which are segregated into weight classes. It's a lot easier for someone who's 5'8" to weigh 140 pounds than it is for someone who's 6'3" (and if a 6'3" dude does weight 140, he's probably not much of a fighter). I have a couple of friends who earned varsity letters in wrestling in high school because they were small and skinny Indians, and other schools couldn't find anyone small enough to wrestle against them, so they won by forfeit. I don't think I'd recommend cagefighting or anything, but martial arts like taekwondo and judo have been shown to increase self-esteem anyway. It's like a double boost.
All my examples are about sports because, really, I can't think of any other situations in life where being 5'8" would be a problem. I guess there are some women who don't like to date shorter men. But really, 5'8" is on the taller side for women, and women who are taller than he is are probably going through the same thing he is, only from the other side. It's something they have in common.
But yeah, in educational or business contexts, height isn't a factor one way or the other.
Further data points: James Madison was 5'4". Alexander Pope was 4'6". They did OK.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:38 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Just want to chime in that I am also short and know a bunch of short dudes (let’s hear it for immigrant communities and generational malnutrition) in various levels of well-adjustedness but the ones worst off are getting their ideas about the social effect of height from MRA/RedPill/Etc forums and subreddits. If he’s in that ecosystem I don’t really have any advice but to get him the hell out of there by any means necessary as per DarlingBri.
posted by griphus at 1:40 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by griphus at 1:40 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
Oh, and so far the tallest woman I've dated was 6'3". So if he's worried about his height limiting his dating options, he shouldn't.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:45 PM on October 17, 2018
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 1:45 PM on October 17, 2018
Nthing that 5'8" is very firmly in the "on the shorter side of average" range for men. It's not actually short enough that people are going to think of him as "that short guy." Men who are, say, under 5'5" or so may face some degree of social stigma from people who are jerks about gender stuff, but he's already out of that range.
I agree with everyone who's saying you should check to make sure he's not getting his ideas about acceptable male heights from any poisonous online community that's got weird beliefs about this kind of thing. There are plenty of those and they will send a guy's mental health spiraling.
posted by waffleriot at 1:46 PM on October 17, 2018
I agree with everyone who's saying you should check to make sure he's not getting his ideas about acceptable male heights from any poisonous online community that's got weird beliefs about this kind of thing. There are plenty of those and they will send a guy's mental health spiraling.
posted by waffleriot at 1:46 PM on October 17, 2018
As has been noted, this idea about height is very closely tied to the manosphere side of ideas and has spilled out everywhere. Even if he's not reading their direct material, he's likely seeing it or hearing it somewhere. Were I you, I'd get educated on those types of talking points and try to push back against them.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 1:52 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 1:52 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
I can guarantee you that if he stands up straight, he'll be thought of as "around 6'". Don't bother asking me how I know.
posted by Etrigan at 1:57 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Etrigan at 1:57 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
Another vote for 5'8" is just not small, and height mostly only matters to superficial assholes until it gets down into the range of making day-to-day life a pain in the ass because things aren't designed for you. He clearly doesn't have to worry about that. And yes, there are plenty of superficial assholes in the world, but for the most part they're easy to ignore.
posted by aspersioncast at 1:59 PM on October 17, 2018
posted by aspersioncast at 1:59 PM on October 17, 2018
Yeah, this seems like a pretty average size to me. I would avoid commiserating, while remaining sympathetic to his feelings. "I understand you feel unhappy about this, but most people are going to care more about you as a person than your height."
posted by oneirodynia at 2:10 PM on October 17, 2018
posted by oneirodynia at 2:10 PM on October 17, 2018
I’m a 5’ 8” guy and I would never describe myself as short. It is an unremarkably average height. For every guy I meet who is taller than me, I meet one who is shorter than me and many more who are close enough to me in the center of the bell curve that it never occurs to me to think about their height. I agree with just not making a big deal about it and not conceding the premise that this is some kind of deficiency he needs to make up for or console himself about somehow. It’s just not.
posted by rustcellar at 2:12 PM on October 17, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by rustcellar at 2:12 PM on October 17, 2018 [10 favorites]
I am 6'. My older son sounds a lot like your son. He is in perfect physical shape at 5'8". He is an officer in the US Army. My younger son is 6'1". They are 12 months apart and VERY COMPETITIVE on thing like this. Shorter son's answer whenever taller son reminds him that he is taller is, "Yeah, but I can still kick your ass."
I can tell you that at 5'8" he is a leader of men. He is one tough hombre. He played football in high school. He was the starting QB. Shorter than all his linemen. He still thrived. Oh, he is engaged to a gal who is his height or maybe an inch taller.
Your boy is good to go.
posted by AugustWest at 2:16 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
I can tell you that at 5'8" he is a leader of men. He is one tough hombre. He played football in high school. He was the starting QB. Shorter than all his linemen. He still thrived. Oh, he is engaged to a gal who is his height or maybe an inch taller.
Your boy is good to go.
posted by AugustWest at 2:16 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
5'8 is not short. Good posture and well-fitting clothes will make him look even taller than the (already completely fine) height he is. Confidence is everything. As a former teenage girl (who is now an adult woman) I believe that the obsession with dating taller guys comes from the patriarchy that says that a woman isn't a real woman unless she is small and dainty. In the past when I insisted on dating a tall/taller guy I was doing it because of my own body image issues, and it was not personal. Luckily I grew out of that (pun intended). Encourage him to do activities where success is not based on height, or on appearance at all.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 2:30 PM on October 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 2:30 PM on October 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
If he's straight and worrying about dating prospects in the future, then I'll just say that as a woman it's not like I've ever ruled anyone out for being too tall, but it's definitely nice when being with someone doesn't mean a constant crick in the neck.
posted by trig at 2:36 PM on October 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by trig at 2:36 PM on October 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
Is this newly confirmed that he won't grow more? if so, i might give him a little time to realize that this information doesn't really change the things that made him happy before he knew. He is still the same handsome, smart, strong guy he always was. Maybe it would be helpful to know what in his mind would be different if he were taller.
It is true that 5 '8" is about average for a North American male. However, if you live in an area like where i live many teenage boys are much taller. In that case, it would be understandable for him to have had that expectation for himself,especially with a tall father. He might just need time to let go of that expectation.
posted by domino at 2:45 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
It is true that 5 '8" is about average for a North American male. However, if you live in an area like where i live many teenage boys are much taller. In that case, it would be understandable for him to have had that expectation for himself,especially with a tall father. He might just need time to let go of that expectation.
posted by domino at 2:45 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
It may be because I'm a short lady (5'1"), but height has never, ever been a consideration for me when dating. I did see someone who was 6'4" for a bit, but that was only notable because it was like trying to hug a giraffe.
Height should be the most boring thing about you.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:49 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
Height should be the most boring thing about you.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:49 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
This isn't what you asked, but the question said that for medical reasons, it's been confirmed that he's not growing any more. I have no idea what medical reasons there would be for doing the tests necessary to confirm that, but if there's anything going on with him medically that might be upsetting, do you think maybe he's transferring anxiety about that to the height thing? If that seems like a possibility, maybe focusing on that anxiety might clear up his feelings about his height.
posted by LizardBreath at 3:11 PM on October 17, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by LizardBreath at 3:11 PM on October 17, 2018 [15 favorites]
Agree--if girls are his thing, for short women like me (five one on a good day), 5'8" is just right thank you very much. Any taller and it's hard to hold hands comfortably while walking, you get a crick in your neck trying to see your partner's face... and so on. A good comfortable height that doesn't leave an impression of "SHORT, OH NO" at all. I also refer him to Masanori Ishikawa, an ace pitcher at 5'6" (and while Japanese average heights may be shorter than the US, baseball players are mostly super tall even here).
posted by huimangm at 4:00 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by huimangm at 4:00 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ask him what in his life would be improved by gaining those few extra inches? You say he’s already a success at school, friendships, sport and dating. A woman he’s in love with has already chosen him, so what more does he want? His height (and he’s not even short!!)!is clearly not holding him back but if he develops a chip on his shoulder about this, his attitude really could. Short man syndrome is a thing and it’s very unattractive. Your son has everything going for him. He just needs to realise it.
posted by Jubey at 4:07 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 4:07 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm not a man, but I think he just needs space and time to process this. Eventually, he will meet shorter men who provide him with a role model. Right now, his dad is probably the primary male role model in his life! So if he feels like he'll always be "inadequate" in this way compared to Dad, that's got to be a tough thing for him to work through (even if, obviously, being short doesn't actually make you inadequate).
posted by capricorn at 4:19 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by capricorn at 4:19 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
This may not really be about his height -- it may be about a (presumably teenage) kid coming to terms with the fact that their body has limits and is not, in fact, invincible.
If you think it's really about height, and he is at all mathematically inclined, give him some reading about a normal distribution. Males 20-29 in the US have a mean height of 5'9.1" with standard deviation 2.7" (source, although you have to convert centimeters to inches and SEM to SD.) Your son's projected height of 5'8" is within a half-standard deviation of the mean; he is statistically equivalent to the mean.
(Of course, it's not really about height.)
posted by basalganglia at 4:44 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
If you think it's really about height, and he is at all mathematically inclined, give him some reading about a normal distribution. Males 20-29 in the US have a mean height of 5'9.1" with standard deviation 2.7" (source, although you have to convert centimeters to inches and SEM to SD.) Your son's projected height of 5'8" is within a half-standard deviation of the mean; he is statistically equivalent to the mean.
(Of course, it's not really about height.)
posted by basalganglia at 4:44 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
2 in 3 dudes will be taller than him but 1 in 3 will be shorter. And 6', though prized by some, is a little uncommon. Only 1 in 5 dudes is that tall! Both 5'8 and 6' are within a standard deviation of mean. If he's worried about dating and friend/career success, plenty of prospects will be into him! Honestly, anyone who would be turned off by his very normal height has grossly unfair gender expectations, a serious height fetish or is extremely tall/short themselves. Personally, I wouldn't date anyone who expressed a strong height preference because of gender baggage, even if I was within their acceptable range.
Also, maybe think about what life is like for women? A typical North American woman is 5'3.8", which means if we take the total population 97% of men and 50% of women are same or taller. So nearly every man you meet is much bigger than you and half of women are too. Three in four people look down on you. Think how that feels, and how that might make you question your strength, physical competency and safety. Your son is still taller than 13 in 15 women.
the thorn bushes have roses is on point. He's feeling body dysphoria, related to gender pressures, and learning to question these stereotypes while finding awesome role models and taking pride in what he's got will do him some good.
posted by fritillary at 5:57 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
Also, maybe think about what life is like for women? A typical North American woman is 5'3.8", which means if we take the total population 97% of men and 50% of women are same or taller. So nearly every man you meet is much bigger than you and half of women are too. Three in four people look down on you. Think how that feels, and how that might make you question your strength, physical competency and safety. Your son is still taller than 13 in 15 women.
the thorn bushes have roses is on point. He's feeling body dysphoria, related to gender pressures, and learning to question these stereotypes while finding awesome role models and taking pride in what he's got will do him some good.
posted by fritillary at 5:57 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
Acknowledge his feelings, of course, and trust that he will eventually make peace with the situation.
Given this "he's handsome, smart, personable, has friends, has a (budding) romantic relationship, is physically strong & good at the sport he does", I might* get a little eye-rolly about complaints of being average height. (*Depends on how he would react—you know your kid.)
posted by she's not there at 6:06 PM on October 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
Given this "he's handsome, smart, personable, has friends, has a (budding) romantic relationship, is physically strong & good at the sport he does", I might* get a little eye-rolly about complaints of being average height. (*Depends on how he would react—you know your kid.)
posted by she's not there at 6:06 PM on October 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
5'9" is the current aveage for males, so your son is average. There's no problem.
If that's not OK and you need to encourage: A few of my friends grew about an inch in their 40s, likely cause: rock climbing.
Also, he should probably see a psychologist (not because he's abnormal, but because seeing a shrink is a display of power. Eveyone should do it.)
posted by soylent00FF00 at 6:21 PM on October 17, 2018
If that's not OK and you need to encourage: A few of my friends grew about an inch in their 40s, likely cause: rock climbing.
Also, he should probably see a psychologist (not because he's abnormal, but because seeing a shrink is a display of power. Eveyone should do it.)
posted by soylent00FF00 at 6:21 PM on October 17, 2018
My husband is 5'3". Good husband, good father. I was going to say it doesn't affect our life at all, but he does get his pants hemmed so there's that. He has better-fitting clothes than the average guy. It's hard to know what to say to help because it's such a non issue.
posted by slidell at 6:33 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by slidell at 6:33 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm 5'6". That makes me short, somewhere further down the bell curve, but you know how much difference it's made? None at all. And you know how often I notice? Rarely if ever. I'm shorter than your son, but even being further from the average it's just not that distinctive. (And I didn't know that 20% of people are 6ft, so apparently I don't notice tall people that much either.)
Being short in school made more of a difference to how people behaved, and that is surely a more recent memory for your son. But once you turn into an adult, if you choose to act like an adult people judge you as an adult, they don't really notice the rest unless you choose to bring it into focus, which you can do as and when it suits you.
I do take pleasure in using my shortness to full advantage, as demonstrated by the rather fast motorbike I own that is perfectly comfortable for me and .. not so much for the unfortunate people of greater height. The rest of the time my legs reach from my bum to the ground just like everyone else's.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 8:44 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
Being short in school made more of a difference to how people behaved, and that is surely a more recent memory for your son. But once you turn into an adult, if you choose to act like an adult people judge you as an adult, they don't really notice the rest unless you choose to bring it into focus, which you can do as and when it suits you.
I do take pleasure in using my shortness to full advantage, as demonstrated by the rather fast motorbike I own that is perfectly comfortable for me and .. not so much for the unfortunate people of greater height. The rest of the time my legs reach from my bum to the ground just like everyone else's.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 8:44 PM on October 17, 2018 [2 favorites]
At first glance I thought the height was 58", which, yea, that might be a little disappointing to find out you won't grow past that (though still not the end of the world). 5'8"? That's not short. That's average. I wish I had some advice but I do agree that it's important to not make this a *thing* aside from making sure he has good posture and has good length pants. Focusing on being kind, funny, helpful, and on personal development will get him much farther in life than an additional 2 inches, both with career and personal relationships.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 8:52 PM on October 17, 2018
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 8:52 PM on October 17, 2018
he's already several inches taller than most grown women and that unearned physical advantage isn't even good enough for him, he needs to be able to look down on all of us from an even greater height? or this hasn't occurred to him because he'll only measure himself against other boys and men? indulging that nonsense won't help him
he's solidly in the taller half of humanity. he has a right to complain about how unfair it is that all the actually short people in the world will silently but furiously resent him for his tallness. because we will. but if he think he can seriously appropriate the short person bitterness, tell him he is being extremely silly. self-pitying short men aren't as irritating as very tall men, because nobody ever could be, but self-pitying average-height men might be worse. say to him a good GOB Bluth-style "Come ON!" repeat as necessary. I am not being mean just for fun, taking him seriously is doing him no favors and searching for pitiful silver linings will only bolster his sense of seriousness about this unserious thing. maternal pity will both irritate and encourage him; be brisk and dismissive.
if he will not see reason, buy him some stilts I guess
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:42 PM on October 17, 2018 [13 favorites]
he's solidly in the taller half of humanity. he has a right to complain about how unfair it is that all the actually short people in the world will silently but furiously resent him for his tallness. because we will. but if he think he can seriously appropriate the short person bitterness, tell him he is being extremely silly. self-pitying short men aren't as irritating as very tall men, because nobody ever could be, but self-pitying average-height men might be worse. say to him a good GOB Bluth-style "Come ON!" repeat as necessary. I am not being mean just for fun, taking him seriously is doing him no favors and searching for pitiful silver linings will only bolster his sense of seriousness about this unserious thing. maternal pity will both irritate and encourage him; be brisk and dismissive.
if he will not see reason, buy him some stilts I guess
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:42 PM on October 17, 2018 [13 favorites]
At six feet tall I experience frequent back pain when standing at non-adjustable working surfaces like sinks and tables and benches; every single one in the world seems to have been designed for (and, I suspect, by) somebody six inches shorter than me. It's not all beer and skittles up here.
posted by flabdablet at 10:53 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by flabdablet at 10:53 PM on October 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Also, it is completely normal for young people to seize on some feature of their own bodies and hate it with a passion. If it wasn't his height it would be something else.
To my way of thinking, this is just a natural consequence of living in an advertising-saturated culture. Advertisers know full well that using "perfect" people to represent product shifts more units, so those are the images they employ. They also know full well that the anxieties created by failure of 95% of the populace to live up to the "perfection" that advertising constantly rams down our throats creates demand, so there is literally zero motivation to do it any other way.
I think the best thing you can do about your son's dissatisfaction with his height is to help him gain insight into where it comes from.
posted by flabdablet at 11:11 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
To my way of thinking, this is just a natural consequence of living in an advertising-saturated culture. Advertisers know full well that using "perfect" people to represent product shifts more units, so those are the images they employ. They also know full well that the anxieties created by failure of 95% of the populace to live up to the "perfection" that advertising constantly rams down our throats creates demand, so there is literally zero motivation to do it any other way.
I think the best thing you can do about your son's dissatisfaction with his height is to help him gain insight into where it comes from.
posted by flabdablet at 11:11 PM on October 17, 2018 [4 favorites]
Put him and his taller father on a budget plane ride and make him see how being tall can be quite annoying?
As a woman of 5'2'', from "tall" Germany nonetheless, I understand that being shorter than average comes with teasing and feeling towered over, but as he's not actually that short (my husband is 5'8'' and I think it's the ideal height for a man, not that there's anything wrong with being shorter or taller!) maybe ask him to look at his friend circle and see that people are of varying heights and still awesome?
posted by LoonyLovegood at 3:29 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
As a woman of 5'2'', from "tall" Germany nonetheless, I understand that being shorter than average comes with teasing and feeling towered over, but as he's not actually that short (my husband is 5'8'' and I think it's the ideal height for a man, not that there's anything wrong with being shorter or taller!) maybe ask him to look at his friend circle and see that people are of varying heights and still awesome?
posted by LoonyLovegood at 3:29 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'm 5'10" and routinely interact with other dudes who are an inch or two shorter than me. It's not uncommon.
posted by LoveHam at 4:24 AM on October 18, 2018
posted by LoveHam at 4:24 AM on October 18, 2018
I come at this from the perspective of being a 5'8" trans guy, which means any height angst I have is part of general body malaise, which, one you rule out the toxic masculinity stuff*, might really be true for everyone. Like other people have said, 5'8" is a solidly average height--clothes aren't a problem and neither are doors. Knowing that you're the short side of average doesn't help all that much if you're busy thinking about how you're weird and small and everyone else is normal. Both seeing that there are people in loads of shapes and sizes (which he probably doesn't do unless you live in a city and he takes public transport to school--he sees the same people all the time) and learning to engage positively with his body. Can you encourage him towards a height-independent athletic activity? Most individual sports will work, I think, whether at school or not. (That said, swimmers seem to tend to be tall.)
You'll never find it, but there was a video from some Bayern Munich training session where Philipp Lahm was supposed to escape from a circle of the rest of the team holding hands (like Red Rover, I guess). For a while he does what everyone else did and then clearly thinks "Screw it" and just ducks under their hands.
*And it permeates society--even if he's never been on reddit, he'll have absorbed a message that men "should" be six feet tall, even if most men aren't.
posted by hoyland at 4:29 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
You'll never find it, but there was a video from some Bayern Munich training session where Philipp Lahm was supposed to escape from a circle of the rest of the team holding hands (like Red Rover, I guess). For a while he does what everyone else did and then clearly thinks "Screw it" and just ducks under their hands.
*And it permeates society--even if he's never been on reddit, he'll have absorbed a message that men "should" be six feet tall, even if most men aren't.
posted by hoyland at 4:29 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
I seem to have revised that answer into a state that could imply I'm somehow immune to toxic masculinity because I'm trans. That would be false.
posted by hoyland at 5:38 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by hoyland at 5:38 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
How old is your son? I'm pretty sure my daughter has already exceeded her pediatrician-predicted maximum height by an inch or so. Seems like an odd factoid to saddle an adolescent kid with -- by the time they realize they're done growing, they're probably in a better place to accept that their full final height is what it is.
Anyway, there's probably no winning this right now. Guys are weird about height. I'm 5' 11.5". Do you think that last half inch shy of 6' bugs me?
YES, ACTUALLY.
But when I foreground any thoughts about how my growth hormones apparently collapsed just short of the Minimum Acceptable Male Height finish line, I know it's a ridiculous thing to care about, and your son will probably get to that realization too. 5' 8" is a solidly normal, unremarkable height, this is not a thing that is going to cause him actual hardship, and if he doesn't marinate himself in terrible short guy subreddits, he'll probably get over it without intervention.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:34 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
Anyway, there's probably no winning this right now. Guys are weird about height. I'm 5' 11.5". Do you think that last half inch shy of 6' bugs me?
YES, ACTUALLY.
But when I foreground any thoughts about how my growth hormones apparently collapsed just short of the Minimum Acceptable Male Height finish line, I know it's a ridiculous thing to care about, and your son will probably get to that realization too. 5' 8" is a solidly normal, unremarkable height, this is not a thing that is going to cause him actual hardship, and if he doesn't marinate himself in terrible short guy subreddits, he'll probably get over it without intervention.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:34 AM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
Two things:
I (a woman) am just shy of 5'7" and used to be sad that I didn't grow to be as tall as my mother (5'10"), for fairly arbitrary "taller = better" ideas that I got from media & family. I am now very happy with my height as an adult. As a teen and young 20-something I could find fault in almost every aspect of myself (again, because of media & messages I got from family members, whether intentional or not). Too fat, too short, too spotty, too loud, blah blah blah. I grew up to love myself for all the things I am.
I also prefer to date men who are roughly my height. My favorite height for partners is between 5'4" - 5'10". My husband is about your son's height. I've dated men as short as 5'1" and as tall as 6'5" and my preference has always been for the height that doesn't hurt my neck craning for a hug or a kiss or make me feel like I *have* to wear heels. I can't be the only person who feels this way.
posted by pammeke at 9:58 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
I (a woman) am just shy of 5'7" and used to be sad that I didn't grow to be as tall as my mother (5'10"), for fairly arbitrary "taller = better" ideas that I got from media & family. I am now very happy with my height as an adult. As a teen and young 20-something I could find fault in almost every aspect of myself (again, because of media & messages I got from family members, whether intentional or not). Too fat, too short, too spotty, too loud, blah blah blah. I grew up to love myself for all the things I am.
I also prefer to date men who are roughly my height. My favorite height for partners is between 5'4" - 5'10". My husband is about your son's height. I've dated men as short as 5'1" and as tall as 6'5" and my preference has always been for the height that doesn't hurt my neck craning for a hug or a kiss or make me feel like I *have* to wear heels. I can't be the only person who feels this way.
posted by pammeke at 9:58 AM on October 18, 2018 [1 favorite]
My husband and I are both shorter than average (5'3" and 5'4" respectively) but no one ever thinks we are because we have large presences, both. It hasn't really impacted my husband except in two ways: sometimes super tall women are disinterested in him (but he doesn't care) and also sometimes average height men think he's someone who can easily be taken down a peg because of height which he finds laughable because he's just . . . really loud and funny and charming and can kick their asses in terms of power dynamics. Not caring goes a long way.
That said, as a genderqueer person sometimes I like to wear high heeled boots or lifts and it feels good, too. You can easily add up to 3 inches that way. He can wear huge boots and easily end up average height or tallish? If it's something that he really wants to do. Why not. It's his body.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:29 AM on October 18, 2018
That said, as a genderqueer person sometimes I like to wear high heeled boots or lifts and it feels good, too. You can easily add up to 3 inches that way. He can wear huge boots and easily end up average height or tallish? If it's something that he really wants to do. Why not. It's his body.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:29 AM on October 18, 2018
I just want to mention, as a mom who used to attempt to manage her daughter's feels, I believe the best way you can help your son work through this is to let him feel however he feels and just validate those feelings. That was a really hard thing for me to do because I hated seeing my kid in pain. Part of it was that seeing her in pain was painful for me so I wanted it to just stop. But that is not how life works.
If it were me, I would be all, "I totally get why you are sad. It is sad to be different than you want to be. That is pretty much the price of being human. If you want a shoulder to cry on or examples of sexy, successful men who are 5'7" or for me to just shut up about it, I can do those things. Let me know what you need from me." And then I would shut up and let your son lead the way. If he is desperately sad about this still in 3 months, that is one thing.
But being sad about news he did not want to hear? For now? Let him have that. That is how he feels. One of the best things we can do as parents is to model the ability to love people regardless of their feels. As long as he is not throwing shit out of windows or hopping off the roof, then I say you should acknowledge how he feels (if you have not already) and then leave him be for awhile. That may be painful for both of you, but it is so much better than potentially pushing him, through your concern, into pretending he is not sad or whatever because of the emotional pressure to take care of your feelings.
I was that mom. Please don't be that mom. He already knows you love him, and he already knows you can't fix everything. So take a breath, give him some space, and get on with your family life. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:47 AM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
If it were me, I would be all, "I totally get why you are sad. It is sad to be different than you want to be. That is pretty much the price of being human. If you want a shoulder to cry on or examples of sexy, successful men who are 5'7" or for me to just shut up about it, I can do those things. Let me know what you need from me." And then I would shut up and let your son lead the way. If he is desperately sad about this still in 3 months, that is one thing.
But being sad about news he did not want to hear? For now? Let him have that. That is how he feels. One of the best things we can do as parents is to model the ability to love people regardless of their feels. As long as he is not throwing shit out of windows or hopping off the roof, then I say you should acknowledge how he feels (if you have not already) and then leave him be for awhile. That may be painful for both of you, but it is so much better than potentially pushing him, through your concern, into pretending he is not sad or whatever because of the emotional pressure to take care of your feelings.
I was that mom. Please don't be that mom. He already knows you love him, and he already knows you can't fix everything. So take a breath, give him some space, and get on with your family life. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:47 AM on October 18, 2018 [4 favorites]
I should note that I'm quite tall, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but 5'8'' doesn't read as "short" in my book. It's "not tall". it might be on the shorter side of average, but not so that you'll stand out (maybe if you lived in the Netherlands it would be different. Christ, those people are freaking giants). It's just... a height. Neither tall nor short.
If he does grow that last half inch he'll be the same height as Antonio Banderas, who bottles up his excess masculinity and donates it to the poor.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:54 AM on October 18, 2018
If he does grow that last half inch he'll be the same height as Antonio Banderas, who bottles up his excess masculinity and donates it to the poor.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:54 AM on October 18, 2018
I'd like to add something about dating.
As I mentioned, I'm a man who is about your son's height. Do there exist women who would not date me because of my height? Probably. Do I care? Not at all. (In a sense this is easy for me to say because I am in my 30s and married now but I remember what it was like to be young and single and insecure about love.)
And it's not I don't care in a "screw them" kind of way, it's just...everyone's got preferences, right? There are women that I do not find attractive for seemingly superficial reasons. Everyone does not have to be attractive to everyone else; if someone is not attracted to you that is not a statement on your character or worthiness or theirs'. Attraction is idiosyncratic and somewhat arbitrary. And you get to be as idiosyncratic and arbitrary as the next person.
I am well aware of the fact that this is a difficult thing for a teenager to wrap their minds around - I probably didn't get it until I was in my mid-20s - but if he can figure it out at a younger age, he'll be better off.
posted by breakin' the law at 12:23 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
As I mentioned, I'm a man who is about your son's height. Do there exist women who would not date me because of my height? Probably. Do I care? Not at all. (In a sense this is easy for me to say because I am in my 30s and married now but I remember what it was like to be young and single and insecure about love.)
And it's not I don't care in a "screw them" kind of way, it's just...everyone's got preferences, right? There are women that I do not find attractive for seemingly superficial reasons. Everyone does not have to be attractive to everyone else; if someone is not attracted to you that is not a statement on your character or worthiness or theirs'. Attraction is idiosyncratic and somewhat arbitrary. And you get to be as idiosyncratic and arbitrary as the next person.
I am well aware of the fact that this is a difficult thing for a teenager to wrap their minds around - I probably didn't get it until I was in my mid-20s - but if he can figure it out at a younger age, he'll be better off.
posted by breakin' the law at 12:23 PM on October 18, 2018 [2 favorites]
Since when is 5'8" short?
Anyway, this chart suggests that while he is in the shorter half of american men, he's still taller than the majority of ladies.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:04 PM on October 19, 2018
Anyway, this chart suggests that while he is in the shorter half of american men, he's still taller than the majority of ladies.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:04 PM on October 19, 2018
Send him to a modern version of charm school https://www.advancedhumandynamics.com.
I have been listening to the founder’s podcast for over a decade and he has interviewed many scientists, corporate types and celebrities on how they got to a certain level of confidence and success.
Jordan Harbinger was a former lawyer who segued from the pickup artist scene to social hacking. He is shorter than your son
posted by ayc200 at 8:30 PM on October 19, 2018
I have been listening to the founder’s podcast for over a decade and he has interviewed many scientists, corporate types and celebrities on how they got to a certain level of confidence and success.
Jordan Harbinger was a former lawyer who segued from the pickup artist scene to social hacking. He is shorter than your son
posted by ayc200 at 8:30 PM on October 19, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Smearcase at 12:41 PM on October 17, 2018 [17 favorites]