Need more positive self talk!

October 16, 2018 10:52 AM

How can I stay motivated and ignore the influence of my loved one?

I find myself wanting to do things, beginning to do things and then my motivation evaporates. I’m caught up, influenced by my loved one’s perceived attitude. The attitude I see is indifference. I hate that I let it annoy me. I have lots of chores to do and lots of improvements I’d like to make around our place. My preference is to get up early and start tackling whatever tasks I am in the mood for. Hubby gets up later and has a leisurely morning ritual. Often he’ll tell me I work too hard. I am not really working all that hard! I am doing these things for my own satisfaction. I like to see them getting done. I told hubby that I don’t expect him to join me in the work.

What can I tell myself to keep myself going in the direction that I desire?

posted by goodsearch to Human Relations (6 answers total)

Best answer: I know exactly how you feel & I struggle with this too sometimes. Even if he’s not saying anything negative just seeing hubby sitting around saps all of my motivation. It’s a lot easier to do anything if you’re not the odd one out while you’re doing it, no matter what it is. There’s only two ways to handle it which is mind over matter or out of sight out of mind. Mind over matter is just reminding yourself that your brains instinct is to do whatever the group is doing and that means not doing what they’re not doing. Ignore your instinct and power through. The other way is getting hubby out of the house more and do what you want to do when he’s not there.
posted by bleep at 11:15 AM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

Do you ever talk about this outside of the context of the weekend when you are in the middle of these projects? I am wondering if it might help to have a conversation on a random weeknight where you say something like, "I really enjoy my weekend projects. I look forward to them and find them relaxing, both in doing the project and getting some things done around the house. I don't need you to participate in these projects, but I would like your support and encouragement. [Tell him more what you want: comment on your hard work? compliment the project when it's done?]"

It sounds like it's fine with you if he doesn't want to participate in this projects, but his comments about you working hard are feeling to you like criticism. It maybe (I'm just guessing) that he wants more downtime to relax and do nothing on the weekends, and when you are busy with a project, he feels guilty that he isn't helping. So when he says you work too hard, it may be some self-talk as well. If you have a conversation to give him permission to not participate, guilt-free, it may be that he can more appreciate what you are doing.

Or he may have other concerns! Like, maybe you are leaving lots of projects un-done, and he's frustrated by that. I can't guess. It may also be that there are things he would like to do, and your projects mean you can't join him. So you could explore that as well.

In any case, this sounds like a communication issue within your relationship, and I think it would be healthy to have a conversation about your weekends outside of the weekend itself. Though, do be honest with yourself. If you feel like he's not pulling his weight, that's probably a conversation you also need to have.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:29 AM on October 16, 2018

Often he’ll tell me I work too hard.

This is man baby for "I don't want to have to feel shitty about the work I'm not doing." Translate it as exactly that in your head every time you hear that shit.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:35 AM on October 16, 2018 [49 favorites]

There seems to be a disconnect between what you are saying here ("...indifference. I hate that I let it annoy me." vs "I am doing these things for my own satisfaction.... I told hubby that I don't expect him to join me in the work."). Do you want him to help or don't you? If you are telling him you don't expect him to help but are internally annoyed by him not helping, that's not fair.

I think if you get that straight first, it will help a lot. I think bluedaisy is right on about needing to get communication going on this with your mate, but you need to figure out what you really do want here. If you do want him to help, don't be ashamed of that.

If you really don't want him to help but are just infected by his inactivity (I totally get this), discuss that. Maybe he can go to a coffeehouse to sloth it up, or the garage or a hammock or the bedroom. Turn up the music and go to it.
posted by queensissy at 12:27 PM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

Have you told him any of this? It's not wrong or bad for you to be influenced by his comments. You can't help feeling the way you do.

Your partner needs to know he is bringing you down with his comments (so tell him), and upon knowing, he needs to stop making those comments (if he doesn't, he's being an ass and you have a bigger issue).

(Also, are you sure you're okay with him not working alongside you? And are you sure you SHOULD be okay with him not helping i.e. does he actually do his fair share of unpaid domestic work at some other time?)
posted by MiraK at 12:33 PM on October 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

Yeah, are you really okay with doing stuff and him sitting on his butt? Because that wouldn't fly in my house. We don't all do the same stuff, but we all pull our frigging weight so we have a reasonably nice place to live.
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:17 PM on October 16, 2018