Inheritance issues
October 16, 2018 6:12 AM   Subscribe

My family is fighting over a future inheritance issue. I don't know how to react. Help, please?

First of all, my family is based in Germany, so this isn't really a legal question for you. Also, I am not currently in Germany (you may know that I live in Japan), so I only get information via upset Facetime calls etc.

This problem started a very long time ago, when my grandmother and grandfather made a joint will specifying that my mother, her brother, and my oldest brother would get one third of their house after both my grandparents passed. The reason why my oldest half-brother was included is (I think) that my mother was very young when she had him, and my younger brother and I weren't yet born because my mother divorced her first husband and much later married my father. My uncle does not have any children.

A few years ago, my parents came up with a solution for this inheritance issue that seemed satisfying to most parties. Since my father also has a daughter from his first marriage, and some assets, they set up a contract or document (sorry, not a lawyer, but there was a laywer present!) saying that only my half-sister would inherit a condo he owned, and only my brother and I would inherit his part of the house he and my mother lived in and that my brother and I grew up in. My sister apparently thought that was fair (the condo is in a more expensive area, so probably worth as much as part of the house) and we all signed the document.
My mother tried to set up a similar arrangement with my half-brother, considering he would inherit a third of my grandma's house (I don't remember if she promised him her third as well), but he hasn't signed anything yet, the reasons for which I'm not sure about. My grandma's house is also in a much more expensive area of the country and the land alone could probably sell for the entire worth of my parents' house.

My uncle lives with my grandma because he has burned through all his retirement savings, money for a house she gave him, and all the money she gives him on the side. He has also gotten pretty weird with age, according to people who see him regularly (as I said, I don't live nearby anymore) and keeps asking my grandma for money, which she gives him. My mother is really upset about this, because she feels like she comes second to him even though she does more for my grandma. (This is also a separate issue about Bavarian familie valuing sons over daughters, something she repeats with me as well, emotionally, but since at least financially she's set me up the same as my brothers, she vehemently denies any of this, but that's not an issue for this thread.) My mother wants my brother to sign a paper saying he has already received his inheritance by getting all that money from grandma, but - according to my half-brother, who also lives in the same house - my uncle doesn't want my mother to inherit anything, and wants to sign his third of the house over to my half-brother only. (I am not sure if the involved parties, including my brother's "lawyer", have any idea what they're doing. My half-brother is a decent guy, but thinks he knows more than he actually does.) Apparently, my grandma would agree to my half-brother getting two thirds, and now my mother is upset.

I understand why my mother is upset. She has always felt second to her brother (boy do I understand what that feels like), and she kept saying how it wasn't fair to my younger brother and me either. I agree that it's not, but in the entire family, I love my grandma the most and I think she is worried about my half-brother's child, who is still very young, and him not having a very stable job. If I were her, I'd probably set up a trust fund for her great-granddaughter's/my niece's education, but I'm not sure that's possible considering her money is mostly in the house. I tried to tell my mother this, but she got even angrier, as did my father, who shares no blood bond with my half-brother and his family and thinks he's made his own misfortune. I haven't talked to my younger brother yet, but I think he probably won't care about that inheritance much, as he earns a lot of money and hates drama (now that he mostly stopped causing it, if you know my history here).

I don't know how I feel in all of this. As I said above, I love my grandma more than anyone else in the family, even though she can be a little rough sometimes and she doesn't have the best foresight, and while I know that sorting this out is important, I would gladly pass on any inheritance if she could stay around forever. My mother kept saying how my future children and my brother's future children are being robbed, and I get that, but I also understand why my grandma doesn't consider potential children over existing ones. Plus my half-brother has always lived in her house (it has two apartments) and would probably say he's done stuff for her that I couldn't - then again, she watches his child for him and feeds his cats when he's away, which is a lot, and he pays almost no rent, so if I could have the same arrangement, I gladly would have done it, but he was already there. She has given me some money over the years, of course, but I'd say she's given him ten times as much, plus the inheritance.

But a part of me is really upset because I thought she loved me as much as she loves my half-brother, and I'm upset because my mother is upset (and now angry that I'm not 100% on her side, but I'm also not her freaking therapist) and I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is entitlement or greed. Like I said, I'd rather she stayed around than inherit anything, but now I can't even make my nightly call to her because I feel like I'm put in the middle of something I don't want to be a part of.

I think what I'm trying to ask is, what do you think I should do here? How would you feel if I were me? I have a feeling my mother expects me to talk to my grandma about this, but I don't want to ask "why does he get something I don't get?" when I will probably just end up sobbing "just don't die". I have an appointment with my therapist this weekend, but I originally made that to talk about my job situation, because guess what, I was also planning on moving closer to home even if it meant fewer career opportunities, because I wanted to spend my grandma's last few years with her (she's 96), but now I'm really glad I'm far away... Help, please?
posted by LoonyLovegood to Grab Bag (10 answers total)
 
Best answer: Is it possible for you to just stay completely out of it? Can you just refuse to talk about it with your mom and tell her you won't talk to your grandma? I know that's hard, but maybe your therapist can help you work out how to do it.

Here's the thing: as long as she's mentally competent, your grandma can do whatever she wants. She is not obligated to meet anyone else's definition of fair. You clearly love her and don't want to make her unhappy. If people are talking to her about her money, it's going to look like that's what you guys care about. You can make her feel treasured and loved, or you can make her feel like you're anticipating her death and thinking about who will get what when she dies.

You love her. She won't be around forever. Try to spend your limited time with her in ways that you won't regret when she's gone.

Inheritances can really tear families apart. You will be happier if you can let go.
posted by FencingGal at 7:01 AM on October 16, 2018 [16 favorites]


In your place, I'd be saying to your mother that I understand her sense of the unfairness of the situation, and even share it to some limited extent, but that what your grandmother chooses to do with her money once she is gone is not a reflection of how much she loves you, and is much less important than the time that you have with her while she's with you.

The situation sounds, to me, like it's becoming about everyone's feelings except probably yours and certainly your grandmother's. Personally I think the best thing would be for everyone to leave it alone and let your grandmother make up her own mind without being in a position where she will feel guilty about who she chooses to show generosity to. It probably won't be fair, but the giving of gifts, even posthumously, isn't a obligation, and she is under no obligation to do it fairly.
posted by howfar at 7:12 AM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]


It looks like your grandmother wants to make sure she's providing more for the two people who are already living in that house - her son who makes poor decisions and has no children to lean on in his waning years, and her grandson, who has his own job troubles, a child, and a mother and step-dad who don't want him getting any of their property. That's all her prerogative, and some people prefer to give a lift to the kids who need it over the ones who seem to be doing okay.

Even as someone who has drawn the short straw in the inheritance game (cousin: all the jewelry: me, a pair of decorated shoes my dad sent home from Vietnam) I'd stay completely out of it. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
posted by kimberussell at 7:29 AM on October 16, 2018 [7 favorites]


Best answer: I think that in your shoes I would try really, really hard not to get sucked into other family members' framing of money as equalling love. Your grandmother's decisions about how to handle her estate most likely involve weighing a lot of different factors, and are not anything like a direct reflection of how much she loves anyone.

That said, you are not responsible for helping the rest of your family work through their feelings about all of this, and you would be well within your rights to say "I support whatever Grandma wants to do with her estate, and I don't want to spend my remaining time with her on talking about money," and then to shut down any further conversation about it. Hopefully once your mother realizes you are not going to be a sympathetic sounding board on this, she'll find other people to vent to and leave you alone.

Talking to your therapist about all of this, including the question of possibly moving, sounds like a really good idea. I hope they can support you in finding a way to wade through the family drama while keeping focus on what matters, which is your remaining time with your grandmother.

If this inheritance would be life-changing for you that's a different question. But as it is, it sounds like you can do without it, and like the BEST case scenario if your grandma redid her will would be that you end up owning a piece of a house that's co-owned with several other angry, squabbling family members. That sounds like a disaster waiting to make everyone involved miserable for years, and not being part of it might be a gift in its own way.
posted by Stacey at 7:53 AM on October 16, 2018 [6 favorites]


Best answer: One thing that might help you when thinking about this is to remember that even though your grandfather has been gone for a while to you, to your grandmother, his wishes are probably still a very real part of how she thinks about “her” money. They made a will together stating what would happen to the major property - only they know what the intentions were there, what the compromises were. The way they split it in thirds to your mother, your uncle, and your brother, very much sounds like a compromise between two ideas of what fairness is.

And likewise, what you are describing sounds also like some marital compromises your parents have made. “Your first son by another marriage already has an inheritance, so I’m going to give my daughter from another marriage a separate inheritance.” You and your full brother seem to have thought this was fair because you would both be sharing the house you grew up in, but it actually sounds incredibly unfair to your half-brother, who is being entirely cut out of your parents’ inheritance because “you already have enough.” I don’t wonder that he doesn’t want to sign a paper saying he’s already received his inheritance, because he hasn’t. He has received a separate inheritance- what your mother is asking would entirely disinherit him.

Similarly, what your uncle does with his share of the inheritance is nobody’s business but his own. He has no children and wants to leave something to the nephew he is close to and already lives with - this is perfectly normal and reasonable and doesn’t affect your mother’s inheritance one bit.

It sounds like your mother wants your grandmother to change her will at this late date, without considering that the will is also the wishes of your late grandfather and so your grandmother has less leeway in this than she might like. I would absolutely not buy into this thinking- it’s not at all that your grandmother doesn’t love you. And also, presumably your mother will still inherit her portion and pass part of it to you.
posted by corb at 8:06 AM on October 16, 2018 [7 favorites]


These sorts of things are really hard and I think it's fine to be upset but also I think you're doing well to basically focus on the important things ("I love grandma and would like to spend time with her") and less on the interpersonal unknowable who-loves-who-more stuff. Not that it's not important to feel loved, it absolutely is, but I think if I were you "DO I feel loved?" would be my mantra (it seems that you do, excellent) and less on the other stuff.

I've been through this, somewhat. My mother had a foster son long after my sister and I and I was not fond of him or how she treated him. We'd grown up in a somewhat austere household where we had felt money was tight (it wasn't, not quite like my mom was saying anyhow) and she was a lot more generous with him. He was a lot more demanding of money and things. He acted like he was her "best kid" and that always rankled me. When she died, he received basically a third of what she had and it was in a trust that my sister had to manage. Me and my sister had to do all the paperwork, deal with the house, and deal with him and his weird demands for more things despite us being her lifelong kids and him showing up needy in the last 15 years of her life.

But! Really while that was somewhat irritating (and remains so) my big question to myself was "Do I feel loved?" My mother was always clear with us that she felt her foster son just plain old "needed more" and while I felt weird about it, that didn't mean she loved us less, only that her material stuff would lean more in his direction. My sister and I are self-sufficient and just need less. So I think in your place I'd try to be supportive to everyone in what is a tough decision, try to avoid getting dragged into stuff. Tell your mom YOU are okay with grandma's wishes even though you respect that she may feel bad about it (in case she is partly feeling bad on your behalf) and maybe encourage her to talk to someone not in the family (therapist, religious person, friend) to help untangle some of her own feelings. Best of luck I know this is challenging.
posted by jessamyn at 8:11 AM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]


The only thing that you and your mother have any reason to worry about is if your half-brother would contest her will. Is that what you are worried about? And "I don't remember if she promised him her third of the house" is ridiculous - either a third of the house is a big deal or not. And if she is planning on leaving a giant chunk of real estate to him like that, then why on earth are any of you worried about anything? You don't even know why he won't sign her weird document - maybe he said that he isn't signing anything, it's her decision to leave each kid whatever she wants.

So if inheriting half of your parents house is important to you, you can either look into legal ways to make the will airtight, or you can talk to your half brother to figure out what he will do. If you don't want to do either of those things you should try and forget that any of these discussions have happened.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 8:31 AM on October 16, 2018


Best answer: I'm inferring that Uncle is draining Grandmother's finances, which is a form of elder abuse( my uncle did this to his parents).I would have local friends and family look into how the German government deals with this.
posted by brujita at 9:17 AM on October 16, 2018


Best answer: This is drama. Your Grandmother has a right to give her money to an old cats home.

What matter's most is people's feelings. There are some long ago issues that are creating feelings, notably gender favoritism. You can't do anything about those things. They have already happened.

Favoritism has been causing serious problems since Cain and Abel - and it was God there that started the whole problem, so no point trying to address the fact that things are unfair and people in control are unfair and it hurts. It's like trying to address the weather.

When you are with your mother provide her with complete agreement. No trying to cheer her up by explaining to her that she is wrong.

When you are with your other family members provide them with complete agreement. No trying to cheer them up by explaining they are wrong.

Remember that a devastating fire could easily reduce your families inheritance to barely enough to bulldoze the rubble in the instant it takes to drop a lit cigarette.Don't worry about the flipping inheritance. It's too damn bad but it's out of your control and it should be out of control. It would be so, so much worse if you were executor.

Don't lose sight of the fact that your mother's emotional intensity is high because she knows her mother is about to abandon her, will never make up for the wrongs she did, and doesn't love her enough to stay. Your mother's emotional upset is anticipatory mourning, done wrong. Don't try to tell her how to mourn. Your mother is doing the best mourning she can figure out how.

Call your grandmother and tell her how much you loved... talk entirely about good times and good things from at least five years ago, and make sure you get to enjoy her when she is still here.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:33 AM on October 16, 2018 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you to everyone who answered!
Brujita is unfortunately right, I'm afraid, but I also agree that if my grandma wants to spend her money this way, she can. For 96, she is very fit in mind and body. I also understand that my mother feels like it's unfair how her brother gets more simply because he "screwed up" (the rest of the family thinks my uncle isn't quite sane anymore, but my mother has no empathy for him or mental illness in general.) This is somewhat reflected in my thinking that I want to be able to have children while only doing jobs I like for low pay the way my brother does, but I have to be more responsible - which I know is a crappy way to think.

"And "I don't remember if she promised him her third of the house" is ridiculous - either a third of the house is a big deal or not." I really don't remember, because I was pretty young and even my parents couldn't agree yesterday about how the whole thing had happened. I do agree that it seems unfair for my half-brother to not receive a third (or fourth) of my parents' house, but here again, people were trying to avoid sharing a house built for maybe two parties at best between three or four people, half of which had never lived in the house and no memories of it whatsoever. At this point, I want to say screw the whole thing, but a) both of the houses are home to me and b) I could use some of the stability that comes with that money. Not so much that I wouldn't prefer people to live forever, though.

I think those who said that I should try to stay out of it and just spend time with my grandma are absolutely right. She likely thinks that with a husband to provide for me (I never told her that he has a bunch of student loans because she would probably try to give me the money, and I wish she'd spend it on herself instead - just sell the whole house, as much as I love it, and go somewhere nice) and to her generation that might mean that I'm set, so I'll try to see it that way.
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:06 PM on October 16, 2018


« Older Kombucha: can I get a SCOBY in the Northern U.S....   |   Help me look more polished Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.