Same old depression, new terrible flavor
October 12, 2018 12:25 AM Subscribe
I’ve dealt with depression off and on since 2010 (previously). Now, after the recent Supreme Court confirmation and concurrent retraumatization, it’s back with a vengeance. In the past, my depression has been characterized by a nonstop negative inner monologue that constantly criticized myself. This time, that’s been replaced by a nonspecific but overwhelming sense of worthlessness. I haven’t dealt with this before; maybe you have, and can help me out of it?
I’m on meds, I’m in individual therapy, and I’m working on joining group therapy for survivors of sexual assault.
The worthlessness is different from the negative inner monologue—rather than a voice in my head that’s constantly insulting me, it’s a feeling. Just a sense deep in my gut that I don’t matter, and that hardly anyone cares about me. (This is false, but the feeling persists.) I don’t know how to fight against this kind of depression. How can I get myself to feel like there’s a point to doing things that will help me feel better? How do I stop myself from doing negative things (like staying up till 3:30 for no good reason) when I feel like I’m lower than dirt?
I’m on meds, I’m in individual therapy, and I’m working on joining group therapy for survivors of sexual assault.
The worthlessness is different from the negative inner monologue—rather than a voice in my head that’s constantly insulting me, it’s a feeling. Just a sense deep in my gut that I don’t matter, and that hardly anyone cares about me. (This is false, but the feeling persists.) I don’t know how to fight against this kind of depression. How can I get myself to feel like there’s a point to doing things that will help me feel better? How do I stop myself from doing negative things (like staying up till 3:30 for no good reason) when I feel like I’m lower than dirt?
You're already in therapy and on meds, so...
Volunteer. Pick up trash, deliver meals, Habitat for Humanity, dog shelter, read books to kids at the library. Foster a dog or cat.
Join and/or make. Craft circle, book club, art class, scrapbooking meetup.
Work your body gently. Youtube yoga for five minutes with a cup of coffee in your hand in the morning while you're in your pajamas, walking (Pokemon GO for gamification of walking and extra distraction with goals?), a gentle five minutes of stretching once every few hours, whatever you're comfortable with doing even a little bit of.
Forget about keeping your house tidy or getting your cardio in.
Drink water, feel sunshine on your skin as often as you can, nap when you need it, and breathe.
posted by erst at 12:35 AM on October 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
Volunteer. Pick up trash, deliver meals, Habitat for Humanity, dog shelter, read books to kids at the library. Foster a dog or cat.
Join and/or make. Craft circle, book club, art class, scrapbooking meetup.
Work your body gently. Youtube yoga for five minutes with a cup of coffee in your hand in the morning while you're in your pajamas, walking (Pokemon GO for gamification of walking and extra distraction with goals?), a gentle five minutes of stretching once every few hours, whatever you're comfortable with doing even a little bit of.
Forget about keeping your house tidy or getting your cardio in.
Drink water, feel sunshine on your skin as often as you can, nap when you need it, and breathe.
posted by erst at 12:35 AM on October 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
If the above is too much right now (which it is for me at the moment), extra long, hot showers sometimes help. Fancy non-alcoholic cocktails (diet ginger ale over lots of ice with fruit in a fancy glass). Hot chocolate. Using my favorite cuss words to talk back to the naysaying inner voice. Petting the kitty.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:21 AM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:21 AM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
In Al-Anon we have the slogan Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Awareness is about just being aware of what the issue is. Acceptance is not about approving of whatever is going on but just accepting that that is how things are in this moment. Action is the part where we do our best to shift from where we are to where we want to be.
I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. I won’t pretend to be where you are or to have experienced what you are experiencing. I will say that when I was clinically depressed several years ago, two things in particular were helpful. One was reading a complex book called The Mind and the Brain, a science book about depression that I found helpful. Just as helpful was reading as many funny books as possible, including a short novel called The Nanny Diaries or some such.
I am grappling with some depression myself at the moment, which is related partly to seasonal affective disorder but mostly to the realities of our changing climate. One of the things that helps me is remembering that I don’t need to want to do things that are good for me, I simply need to do them. My brain is pretty persuasive. It tells me that I shouldn’t eat unless I want to. It tells me that I should stay up until 3 AM, because I do that too, because I want to. Skipping meals, avoiding walks, staying up late; all of these things are less than healthy for me when I do them too often. So I do the best I can on any given day, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute.
Something that is helpful to me is to remember that it is OK to feel sad, it is OK to feel however I feel. But feelings are not facts so I limit how long I allow myself to stay in bed feeling sad, for example. I know that exercise is good for me even if I don’t want to do it. Yesterday I went up and down the stairs in my apartment building on two separate occasions because I wasn’t willing to leave the building but I did need to move.
I have also found the lists of self-soothing activities that dialectical behavioral therapy folks encourage to be helpful. You can search online for various lists or checklists to help you create a list of things that can help distract you, as needed, from painful thoughts.
This is not easy stuff to grapple with. Even if you know it’s not true, it is challenging to feel worthless and challenging to feel powerless. But feeling powerless and being powerless are two different things. There are many things we are all powerless over. But somethings we can control, at least on a good day. Things like setting an alarm or a reminder about bedtime. Things like deciding to do stretches or leaving your house. It is not easy but it has become easier for me, at least, partly through cultivating self talk that is loving toward myself. So if my brain is making me feel shitty in some way, when I recognize that I can say, sweetheart, it is human to feel this way. It sucks to feel this way but it will feel better after you’ve gone for a walk.
Usually, it does feel better after I go for a walk. Or do one tiny thing to make my space neater. Or text a friend and ask the friend to tell me one good thing about myself because I am sad.
It sounds like you are fighting very hard for your health. I hope you give yourself credit for that. We are living in a world where there are many good reasons to feel shitty. That does not make you worthless and I admire and respect the effort you are making to take care of yourself. Those efforts matter. Those efforts mean something. Thank you for being a part of MetaFilter and thank you for asking this question.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:47 AM on October 12, 2018 [19 favorites]
I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. I won’t pretend to be where you are or to have experienced what you are experiencing. I will say that when I was clinically depressed several years ago, two things in particular were helpful. One was reading a complex book called The Mind and the Brain, a science book about depression that I found helpful. Just as helpful was reading as many funny books as possible, including a short novel called The Nanny Diaries or some such.
I am grappling with some depression myself at the moment, which is related partly to seasonal affective disorder but mostly to the realities of our changing climate. One of the things that helps me is remembering that I don’t need to want to do things that are good for me, I simply need to do them. My brain is pretty persuasive. It tells me that I shouldn’t eat unless I want to. It tells me that I should stay up until 3 AM, because I do that too, because I want to. Skipping meals, avoiding walks, staying up late; all of these things are less than healthy for me when I do them too often. So I do the best I can on any given day, sometimes hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute.
Something that is helpful to me is to remember that it is OK to feel sad, it is OK to feel however I feel. But feelings are not facts so I limit how long I allow myself to stay in bed feeling sad, for example. I know that exercise is good for me even if I don’t want to do it. Yesterday I went up and down the stairs in my apartment building on two separate occasions because I wasn’t willing to leave the building but I did need to move.
I have also found the lists of self-soothing activities that dialectical behavioral therapy folks encourage to be helpful. You can search online for various lists or checklists to help you create a list of things that can help distract you, as needed, from painful thoughts.
This is not easy stuff to grapple with. Even if you know it’s not true, it is challenging to feel worthless and challenging to feel powerless. But feeling powerless and being powerless are two different things. There are many things we are all powerless over. But somethings we can control, at least on a good day. Things like setting an alarm or a reminder about bedtime. Things like deciding to do stretches or leaving your house. It is not easy but it has become easier for me, at least, partly through cultivating self talk that is loving toward myself. So if my brain is making me feel shitty in some way, when I recognize that I can say, sweetheart, it is human to feel this way. It sucks to feel this way but it will feel better after you’ve gone for a walk.
Usually, it does feel better after I go for a walk. Or do one tiny thing to make my space neater. Or text a friend and ask the friend to tell me one good thing about myself because I am sad.
It sounds like you are fighting very hard for your health. I hope you give yourself credit for that. We are living in a world where there are many good reasons to feel shitty. That does not make you worthless and I admire and respect the effort you are making to take care of yourself. Those efforts matter. Those efforts mean something. Thank you for being a part of MetaFilter and thank you for asking this question.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:47 AM on October 12, 2018 [19 favorites]
I would say that the best way to combat a feeling of worthlessness is to take up an activity that makes you feel worthy. That could be something personal like climbing mountains (nothing says "I did it!" like standing on a mountaintop, looking down on the world below) or it could be something social like volunteering with Habitat for Humanity (building houses for people who need them feels very positive and worthwhile) but the key is to get out of your loop and do something that makes you feel proud of yourself. It helps, in my experience.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:47 AM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:47 AM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
Severe depression is actually a direct contraindication for things like yoga and meditation--for some people, it can make things worse. I mention this because I'm one of those people, and no one had ever given me any indication that meditation, etc, could be anything less than The Best Cure, and let me tell you, it was devastating to feel like I was somehow failing at the even the best and most universal cure.
Anyhow, I'm dealing with this too, and it sucks, and I'm so sorry. It feels endless.
Things that are helping me right now: Projects. Yesterday I made grape jelly from grapes that I'd picked and turned into juice. All up it was three days of work spread out over about a week, but it made me feel like I was doing something, and had a tangible end result that I'm going to foist upon my unsuspecting friends, and probably at least one of them will tell me that it's delicious. Low bar? Maybe, but it's helping. I'm working on a shawl now.
Having things that depend on me. I have a kid, which I'm not recommending you run out and do, but we also have two cats. It means that I have to do things, sometimes--not a lot of things, necessarily, but it means that I have to be up and at least semifunctional, it means that I have to go out and interact with people to buy food and cat litter and etc. Feeling like I matter to someone, even if that someone is a cat, makes me feel...not less alone, but at least less useless. Like the kid on the beach throwing starfish back into the ocean, it mattered to that one. I can matter to my cat. I'm trying to find other ways to do this--things I can do for friends to make their lives easier, or things I can be helpful with or supportive about.
I'm with The Underpants Monster that long, hot showers help, and small things that are extra nice help. Trying to be extra nice to both other people and also myself helps, though I admit that the 'to myself' part is a work in progress that often ends...not successfully. I cry a lot, lately, and sometimes affording myself somewhere that's safe and comfortable to do that helps, because at least I can sob uncontrollably and then be cosy in my bed, under the fairy lights.
Finally, I remind myself often that this won't last forever. I'm not telling myself that someday I'll feel better or whatever, because I don't know that. But I remind myself that sooner or later, we're all going to die, and that most of us will die without ever having done some great and worthy thing--all we can hope for is to make the world a tiny bit better or easier or kinder for the people around us. That sounds so silly, but honestly, it's a relief to me to remember that most of us, in the larger scheme of things, don't matter all that much. All we can do is try to be kind.
posted by mishafletch at 2:54 AM on October 12, 2018 [23 favorites]
Anyhow, I'm dealing with this too, and it sucks, and I'm so sorry. It feels endless.
Things that are helping me right now: Projects. Yesterday I made grape jelly from grapes that I'd picked and turned into juice. All up it was three days of work spread out over about a week, but it made me feel like I was doing something, and had a tangible end result that I'm going to foist upon my unsuspecting friends, and probably at least one of them will tell me that it's delicious. Low bar? Maybe, but it's helping. I'm working on a shawl now.
Having things that depend on me. I have a kid, which I'm not recommending you run out and do, but we also have two cats. It means that I have to do things, sometimes--not a lot of things, necessarily, but it means that I have to be up and at least semifunctional, it means that I have to go out and interact with people to buy food and cat litter and etc. Feeling like I matter to someone, even if that someone is a cat, makes me feel...not less alone, but at least less useless. Like the kid on the beach throwing starfish back into the ocean, it mattered to that one. I can matter to my cat. I'm trying to find other ways to do this--things I can do for friends to make their lives easier, or things I can be helpful with or supportive about.
I'm with The Underpants Monster that long, hot showers help, and small things that are extra nice help. Trying to be extra nice to both other people and also myself helps, though I admit that the 'to myself' part is a work in progress that often ends...not successfully. I cry a lot, lately, and sometimes affording myself somewhere that's safe and comfortable to do that helps, because at least I can sob uncontrollably and then be cosy in my bed, under the fairy lights.
Finally, I remind myself often that this won't last forever. I'm not telling myself that someday I'll feel better or whatever, because I don't know that. But I remind myself that sooner or later, we're all going to die, and that most of us will die without ever having done some great and worthy thing--all we can hope for is to make the world a tiny bit better or easier or kinder for the people around us. That sounds so silly, but honestly, it's a relief to me to remember that most of us, in the larger scheme of things, don't matter all that much. All we can do is try to be kind.
posted by mishafletch at 2:54 AM on October 12, 2018 [23 favorites]
This isn't a whole answer, as I still struggle with persistent feelings of worthlessness thanks to some truly crappy parenting growing up (I'm nearly 30 and I still have no real idea what "good enough" is meant to feel like or if I'm ever going to get there), but something I've found about my feelings, especially the very persistent and negative depression-flavoured feelings, is that part of the problem with them is that I'm convinced they're 100% true, they're 100% unchangeable and it's urgent that I do something about them. And this makes them much more intense and frightening than they would be otherwise.
So rather than "eh, brain is telling me I'm worthless, do I have room to challenge/reframe that? can I think about it from the outside of the feeling for a bit and see where I get to with it?", which is a better outcome, I get stuck in a place that's more like "brain is telling me I'm worthless! it's definitely right, I'm definitely worthless; this is terrible and crushing, what a horrible thing to be, how completely devalued in every area of my life I feel because of this knowledge; I am certain there is nothing I can do about it except suffer the pain of my worthlessness every damn time I remember it".
So something that helps, just a little bit, is to remember that just because I feel something it isn't necessarily true. Just because I feel something doesn't mean I can't change that feeling. Just because I feel something doesn't mean I have to do anything about it, or change my behaviour just because the feeling was very strong and overwhelming. I think a lot of this for me comes from growing up with emotional terrorists for parents, people who were so terrified of their own feelings that they inadvertently taught my that my feelings were not just bad, not just terrible but also indelible and incriminating and unchangeable and all sorts of other lousy stuff at the same time.
The other thing that helps is acknowledging and then ignoring the feeling, and doing whatever the positive thing is anyway. So instead of "I'm going to eat churros for dinner and not do any exercise because I'm worthless so why would it matter", I try to have more conversations with myself along the lines of, "sure, brain, you're saying I'm worthless; I'm not going to spend time now arguing with you about that but I am going to go ahead and [go to therapy/work out/do basic self-care tasks/do something nice for myself] anyway." It's really easy to get into a place where how you feel and what you do are so tightly coupled that it's genuinely difficult to realise that this doesn't need to be the case; I've had luck consciously decoupling these things, so that how I feel doesn't automatically have to be the driver of what I do.
I think (the hard) part of the trick is staying in that meta-conscious feelings-aware mode while this is going on - as soon as I give the depression feelings room to argue back or let them takine the driver's seat, it's much more likely that I'll do whatever the feeling is telling me to do rather than what I want to do or what I know is good for me to do.
posted by terretu at 4:28 AM on October 12, 2018 [9 favorites]
So rather than "eh, brain is telling me I'm worthless, do I have room to challenge/reframe that? can I think about it from the outside of the feeling for a bit and see where I get to with it?", which is a better outcome, I get stuck in a place that's more like "brain is telling me I'm worthless! it's definitely right, I'm definitely worthless; this is terrible and crushing, what a horrible thing to be, how completely devalued in every area of my life I feel because of this knowledge; I am certain there is nothing I can do about it except suffer the pain of my worthlessness every damn time I remember it".
So something that helps, just a little bit, is to remember that just because I feel something it isn't necessarily true. Just because I feel something doesn't mean I can't change that feeling. Just because I feel something doesn't mean I have to do anything about it, or change my behaviour just because the feeling was very strong and overwhelming. I think a lot of this for me comes from growing up with emotional terrorists for parents, people who were so terrified of their own feelings that they inadvertently taught my that my feelings were not just bad, not just terrible but also indelible and incriminating and unchangeable and all sorts of other lousy stuff at the same time.
The other thing that helps is acknowledging and then ignoring the feeling, and doing whatever the positive thing is anyway. So instead of "I'm going to eat churros for dinner and not do any exercise because I'm worthless so why would it matter", I try to have more conversations with myself along the lines of, "sure, brain, you're saying I'm worthless; I'm not going to spend time now arguing with you about that but I am going to go ahead and [go to therapy/work out/do basic self-care tasks/do something nice for myself] anyway." It's really easy to get into a place where how you feel and what you do are so tightly coupled that it's genuinely difficult to realise that this doesn't need to be the case; I've had luck consciously decoupling these things, so that how I feel doesn't automatically have to be the driver of what I do.
I think (the hard) part of the trick is staying in that meta-conscious feelings-aware mode while this is going on - as soon as I give the depression feelings room to argue back or let them takine the driver's seat, it's much more likely that I'll do whatever the feeling is telling me to do rather than what I want to do or what I know is good for me to do.
posted by terretu at 4:28 AM on October 12, 2018 [9 favorites]
I've been working on a tabletop RPG with my friend who has been a really wonderful supporter and really has been encouraging me to take up space. I realized how my trauma history has caused me to sublimate my desires and makes it harder for me to own what I want without fear, and how a lot of my depression is based on feeling like I have an inability to exert my own agency towards myself. If you have the energy and desire to take on a creative project that is yours and you can get to know yourself and your boundaries, that could help a lot.
Otherwise, lots of love.
posted by yueliang at 5:10 AM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
Otherwise, lots of love.
posted by yueliang at 5:10 AM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
For me, when I still had feelings like that and I was medicated and in therapy it meant that my medication wasn't effective enough. I would absolutely recommend talking to your psychiatrist about this. I was being treated for depression for a long time, but I didn't have depression, so depression treatments did not work for me. You might want to talk to them about doing some kind of differential diagnosis to make sure nothing else is going on.
I also joined a Planet Fitness and started prioritizing going to the gym every day. The change in the way that I feel in my body has been truly revelatory. It was not easy to start. But Planet Fitness in particular is a super low-key gym. It kind of takes you out of space and time when you enter. Strength training has done more for making me feel like I belong in my body and like my body belongs in the world than anything else in my life ever has. It has not necessarily done anything for my mood, but it makes my body feel like mine.
posted by sockermom at 5:25 AM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
I also joined a Planet Fitness and started prioritizing going to the gym every day. The change in the way that I feel in my body has been truly revelatory. It was not easy to start. But Planet Fitness in particular is a super low-key gym. It kind of takes you out of space and time when you enter. Strength training has done more for making me feel like I belong in my body and like my body belongs in the world than anything else in my life ever has. It has not necessarily done anything for my mood, but it makes my body feel like mine.
posted by sockermom at 5:25 AM on October 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
Volunteering somewhere like an animal shelter can help. Traveling somewhere, hiking, or doing anything generally that will change things up and take you out of your head.
posted by xammerboy at 6:08 AM on October 12, 2018
posted by xammerboy at 6:08 AM on October 12, 2018
I have definitely dealt with feelings of worthlessness. My therapist gave me an exercise that has really been helping me. It was a sheet of personal traits that I narrowed down in a few steps to five things that I most valued in humans in general and also saw in myself. I literally have the initials of the five things I value in myself on a tiny piece of paper taped to the monitor I'm reading this on, so I can remind myself who I am and why I am valuable any time I need to. It helps so much.
posted by wellred at 6:18 AM on October 12, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by wellred at 6:18 AM on October 12, 2018 [12 favorites]
Just a sense deep in my gut that I don’t matter, and that hardly anyone cares about me. (This is false, but the feeling persists.)
If my own experience is any guide, that kind of feeling persists because depression can find a way to support the underlying belief with completely ironclad reasoning. Compared to the whole eight billion people who occupy this planet, the number of people who care about you, or me, or any of us individually, is hardly anyone.
But like quite a lot of the conclusions arrived at via ironclad reasoning, this one is broken and useless because its starting point is broken and useless. None of us is actually wired to intuit the meaning of eight billion people, and the lack of meaning baked into that starting point is necessarily inherited by any of the propositions that reasoning can derive from it.
So it's time to turn the telescope around and stop looking through the wrong end. How many people would need to care about you, at an absolute minimum, in order for your life to turn out OK?
As it turns out, the answer to that is one, and it further turns out that the one person who needs to care about you - at an absolute minimum - is you. Which is handy, because no matter where you go, there you are.
If you didn't matter to you, you wouldn't care about experiencing a gut sense of worthlessness; it simply wouldn't bother you. It clearly does. So you do matter, and any depressive reasoning that says you don't can be told to go take a hike.
As it further turns out, you're already scoring well above that absolute minimum in the people-who-care-about-you stakes. By my count, eleven complete strangers have already shown up right here to sit down and compose replies to your question that we hope will be of some use to you. By the time this thread gets closed, there will be more. None of us would bother doing this if we didn't care about you.
So the next time that feeling that you don't matter gets a grip on your guts, remind yourself that you do matter. You matter to everybody you interact with, and you matter to you, and your depression is in error if it tries to sadsplain you any different.
Internet hugs.
posted by flabdablet at 6:36 AM on October 12, 2018 [11 favorites]
If my own experience is any guide, that kind of feeling persists because depression can find a way to support the underlying belief with completely ironclad reasoning. Compared to the whole eight billion people who occupy this planet, the number of people who care about you, or me, or any of us individually, is hardly anyone.
But like quite a lot of the conclusions arrived at via ironclad reasoning, this one is broken and useless because its starting point is broken and useless. None of us is actually wired to intuit the meaning of eight billion people, and the lack of meaning baked into that starting point is necessarily inherited by any of the propositions that reasoning can derive from it.
So it's time to turn the telescope around and stop looking through the wrong end. How many people would need to care about you, at an absolute minimum, in order for your life to turn out OK?
As it turns out, the answer to that is one, and it further turns out that the one person who needs to care about you - at an absolute minimum - is you. Which is handy, because no matter where you go, there you are.
If you didn't matter to you, you wouldn't care about experiencing a gut sense of worthlessness; it simply wouldn't bother you. It clearly does. So you do matter, and any depressive reasoning that says you don't can be told to go take a hike.
As it further turns out, you're already scoring well above that absolute minimum in the people-who-care-about-you stakes. By my count, eleven complete strangers have already shown up right here to sit down and compose replies to your question that we hope will be of some use to you. By the time this thread gets closed, there will be more. None of us would bother doing this if we didn't care about you.
So the next time that feeling that you don't matter gets a grip on your guts, remind yourself that you do matter. You matter to everybody you interact with, and you matter to you, and your depression is in error if it tries to sadsplain you any different.
Internet hugs.
posted by flabdablet at 6:36 AM on October 12, 2018 [11 favorites]
I like the other ideas here about work. Putting my mind to something always quells the feeling of worthlessness. I'd also like to put forth the value of exercise in battling depression. Something about getting my blood flowing always improves my mood and lucidity. Get outside with nature and the sun, this helps me feel connected to life.
posted by sydnius at 6:49 AM on October 12, 2018
posted by sydnius at 6:49 AM on October 12, 2018
I was there for the past two and a half years. Couldn't tidy my house, couldn't do hobbies, could barely keep myself and my cats fed, and loathed myself for not being able to function like a "grown-up".
Now the depression is mostly gone, but I still can't tidy my house, or do hobbies, but I DO have a job and getting up every day and going to a place where people are happy to see me and tell me I'm doing a good job and that they like me is SO validating and helps drown out that inner voice that tells me I'm useless.
Volunteering is also great for this because you're working out of the goodness of your heart so even MORE people will tell you that you're doing a great job and will be happy to see you.
And I know it's so so hard to make the first step, but even making a phone call or searching google for opportunities will help. I felt so proud of myself when I started applying for jobs. And the feeling after my first interview (even though I bombed it) was amazing, because I knew I was moving in the right direction and that mean voice that tells me I'm worthless was getting quieter and quieter.
Good luck. *hug*
posted by elsietheeel at 7:06 AM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
Now the depression is mostly gone, but I still can't tidy my house, or do hobbies, but I DO have a job and getting up every day and going to a place where people are happy to see me and tell me I'm doing a good job and that they like me is SO validating and helps drown out that inner voice that tells me I'm useless.
Volunteering is also great for this because you're working out of the goodness of your heart so even MORE people will tell you that you're doing a great job and will be happy to see you.
And I know it's so so hard to make the first step, but even making a phone call or searching google for opportunities will help. I felt so proud of myself when I started applying for jobs. And the feeling after my first interview (even though I bombed it) was amazing, because I knew I was moving in the right direction and that mean voice that tells me I'm worthless was getting quieter and quieter.
Good luck. *hug*
posted by elsietheeel at 7:06 AM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
One thing that helps me is that I don't mind what happens in politics, or much of anything. I know the Kavanaugh confirmation is like a kick in the neck for many. The world will challenge us always but it will also unfold as it will.
Vote and participate but stop minding so much. Your voice is not silenced. The confirmation, or anything else, takes nothing away from your truth. Nothing true can be erased.
Allow. Stop minding. I'm not talking about not caring or cynicism. Care and help others. But when you don't mind so much about what happens you will experience peace.
Edited to add that it's great that you are in therapy and joining group therapy. Talking about it with trusted individuals releases shame. That's what helped me. Take good care of yourself and move your body when you can outdoors. And always remember that our thoughts are not true. They are just thoughts. You are perfect and a divine being and never forget that.
posted by loveandhappiness at 7:27 AM on October 12, 2018
Vote and participate but stop minding so much. Your voice is not silenced. The confirmation, or anything else, takes nothing away from your truth. Nothing true can be erased.
Allow. Stop minding. I'm not talking about not caring or cynicism. Care and help others. But when you don't mind so much about what happens you will experience peace.
Edited to add that it's great that you are in therapy and joining group therapy. Talking about it with trusted individuals releases shame. That's what helped me. Take good care of yourself and move your body when you can outdoors. And always remember that our thoughts are not true. They are just thoughts. You are perfect and a divine being and never forget that.
posted by loveandhappiness at 7:27 AM on October 12, 2018
it’s a feeling. Just a sense deep in my gut that I don’t matter, and that hardly anyone cares about me
The organism-level feeling of worthlessness is so easy to believe in your guts, even when your head knows better. Can you let your head help you be nicer to your body? Can you go get a massage? Go for a walk? Let the sun shine on your skin? Can you get a pedicure? Can you take a long tub soak with your favorite bath bombs/scents/soap? Can you treat your body to soothing experiences, and hold its hand the way you would with a friend? Because your body is a friend, and it is down, and needs compassion and gentle care at a visceral level. This is so hard, and I wish you the courage to try.
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:29 AM on October 12, 2018
The organism-level feeling of worthlessness is so easy to believe in your guts, even when your head knows better. Can you let your head help you be nicer to your body? Can you go get a massage? Go for a walk? Let the sun shine on your skin? Can you get a pedicure? Can you take a long tub soak with your favorite bath bombs/scents/soap? Can you treat your body to soothing experiences, and hold its hand the way you would with a friend? Because your body is a friend, and it is down, and needs compassion and gentle care at a visceral level. This is so hard, and I wish you the courage to try.
posted by MonkeyToes at 7:29 AM on October 12, 2018
So much love you in this time. Depression is such a fucking bitch and it can feel relentless sometimes, but I KNOW you can get through.
1. I would definitely make sure you stay on top of your meds and therapy. Do you need to adjust your meds? Can you attend extra therapy sessions?
2. Create a broad-strokes schedule for your life, especially your evenings/nights/alone time. Include eating, bathing, and especially bedtime. Set up phone reminders to reinforce them, and do your very very best to respect the schedule. I know that my depression has a way of putting me in zombie inertia mode, so having the phone reminders telling me when to do things takes the decision process out of things and also does a lot to keep me doing those required human things.
3. Seek out low-key, low pressure ways to have positive impacts on people's lives. Chat up the elderly person at the grocery store. Sincerely acknowledge and thank service people for doing a good job, especially any extra things they do. (ie. The cashier at my drugstore today had a big flower headband on today and it made me smile so I told her that I love that she so often has a fabulous headband on and that it brightened my day.)
4. If you're up to it, consider volunteering at a local nursing home to go sit with them, play cards, talk, read to them, etc. It doesn't need to be a huge time commitment, an hour a week would be fine, but that could absolutely change the life of some of those people. Honestly, this is something that could make all the difference in the world to some of those people, and it is so easy to do. And honestly, it can be so fun!!
5. Get a dry erase marker and write on your bathroom mirror positive things. Positive things that you do, positive ways you impact others, the names of people that you know care about you and love you. Every time you are there read all the words. Try hard not to dismiss them or engage in the negative self talk when you're reading them. If all you can muster while you're reading them is "I know all these things are true, even if I don't feel it right now.", then great. But think on the truth of all those things you wrote. Add new ones as they occur to you. Need more space? Use a window or other glass surfaces. Just read them each time you are in the washroom. I know how hokey it sounds, but it ends up being a regular positive self affirmation, and it starts to sink it.
You will get through this.
Endless love to you.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:56 AM on October 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
1. I would definitely make sure you stay on top of your meds and therapy. Do you need to adjust your meds? Can you attend extra therapy sessions?
2. Create a broad-strokes schedule for your life, especially your evenings/nights/alone time. Include eating, bathing, and especially bedtime. Set up phone reminders to reinforce them, and do your very very best to respect the schedule. I know that my depression has a way of putting me in zombie inertia mode, so having the phone reminders telling me when to do things takes the decision process out of things and also does a lot to keep me doing those required human things.
3. Seek out low-key, low pressure ways to have positive impacts on people's lives. Chat up the elderly person at the grocery store. Sincerely acknowledge and thank service people for doing a good job, especially any extra things they do. (ie. The cashier at my drugstore today had a big flower headband on today and it made me smile so I told her that I love that she so often has a fabulous headband on and that it brightened my day.)
4. If you're up to it, consider volunteering at a local nursing home to go sit with them, play cards, talk, read to them, etc. It doesn't need to be a huge time commitment, an hour a week would be fine, but that could absolutely change the life of some of those people. Honestly, this is something that could make all the difference in the world to some of those people, and it is so easy to do. And honestly, it can be so fun!!
5. Get a dry erase marker and write on your bathroom mirror positive things. Positive things that you do, positive ways you impact others, the names of people that you know care about you and love you. Every time you are there read all the words. Try hard not to dismiss them or engage in the negative self talk when you're reading them. If all you can muster while you're reading them is "I know all these things are true, even if I don't feel it right now.", then great. But think on the truth of all those things you wrote. Add new ones as they occur to you. Need more space? Use a window or other glass surfaces. Just read them each time you are in the washroom. I know how hokey it sounds, but it ends up being a regular positive self affirmation, and it starts to sink it.
You will get through this.
Endless love to you.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 7:56 AM on October 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
My therapist has me doing a very basic exercise of five things I am grateful for every day. It’s hokey but she claims there is scientific evidence for this. The exercise is intended to help you live in the moment a bit as opposed to ruminating.
Here’s my five for yesterday: beautiful sunrise at the airport, driving a car that is functional and pleasant, a productive meeting, a free dinner I didn’t have to cook myself, and I was home by six. I had a terrible day yesterday and if I work hard I can make this list.
Also - pets. Yours or others. The dogs keep me going sometimes.
posted by crazycanuck at 9:11 AM on October 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
Here’s my five for yesterday: beautiful sunrise at the airport, driving a car that is functional and pleasant, a productive meeting, a free dinner I didn’t have to cook myself, and I was home by six. I had a terrible day yesterday and if I work hard I can make this list.
Also - pets. Yours or others. The dogs keep me going sometimes.
posted by crazycanuck at 9:11 AM on October 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
I recommend getting a loaf of really really good bread and a pound or two of really nice delicious salty butter--Chimay is my current fave--and making buttered toast all day and night until the bread is gone and then repeating the exercise until you stop feeling this bad or get tired of eating buttered toast.
I don't recommend trying to convince yourself to think anything healthy right now because nothing makes any goddamn sense at all and I missed two days of work over this myself and I'm not a survivor of anything much in fact I lucked out mightily in the whole sexual assault thing so far knock wood god damn it all to hell forever. I am so sorry. I love you and all people who are suffering after that nightmare.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:18 AM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don't recommend trying to convince yourself to think anything healthy right now because nothing makes any goddamn sense at all and I missed two days of work over this myself and I'm not a survivor of anything much in fact I lucked out mightily in the whole sexual assault thing so far knock wood god damn it all to hell forever. I am so sorry. I love you and all people who are suffering after that nightmare.
posted by Don Pepino at 9:18 AM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
(Wait, one caveat: the only slightly healthy thing I've been able to think lately is how proud I am of Dr. Blasey Ford and the other women who have been speaking about this in the media. I think about that a lot and it makes me feel a little better sometimes.)
posted by Don Pepino at 9:22 AM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 9:22 AM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
Nthing a schedule and reminders. If there are times of day you've noticed repeatedly come around where you need them to be down times, set them aside as down times.
I had something similar this year – for the first 30 years of my life, I had terrible anxiety and spiralling catastrophic thinking. Part of the problem was being raised by parents who went above and beyond the catastrophes I imagined as a kid, so it was a useful survival strategy! Eek. I had always journaled, done my best to keep in touch with friends, that sort of thing. But the panic attacks and nightmares only started to go away when I started dream journalling. I didn't need to analyze them or anything, all I did was write down my dreams, and no kidding, within a few months I was panic-attack free. It took me several more years and real therapy to get a hand on spiralling catastrophic thinking, but that eventually happened too.
Then this summer came around. There was no one trigger; just one day I realized I wasn't having a heart attack, but my first panic attack in over ten years. It wasn't linked to thoughts, for once. Just a vast, empty void; a void that's only started to feel less empty in the last couple of weeks. (The Supreme Court deal wasn't much of a trigger; I deal with so much µ^§%&@ç# in my day job that it was actually refreshing to be able to walk around the office afterward imitating Matt Damon going in his dude-jock-turned-rancid-adult-bro voice, "d'ya mean was I cool? Pffyaah?" in the deepest of deep ironies.)
What got me through the months of profound emotional depression (it was bad) was keeping a skeleton schedule: go to bed at the same time every night no matter what; give myself a pass on waking hours when I could. Eat breakfast when I woke up, lunch sometime between noon and 2pm, dinner between 6-7pm. Pick up around the house when I spotted things that irked me. Feeling irked by things reminded me I was alive, and picking up what I could helped affirm my right to be happy in my home, even though it was more like less-profound pain. I don't know why it's starting to get better now? We're working on it in therapy. My therapist was surprised to hear how different it was from previous symptoms I'd had too.
Cerebral stuff helped not one whit, which was a big difference. Being around people who give off a sense of peace definitely did. I'm lucky at my current place that there are two people in particular on our team who are very kind, accepting, and peaceful. Which reminds me – consciously thinking of other people in my life who are like that, and quietly reaching out to them, also helped. Knowing that people like that exist helps me see the worth in the world.
You're one of those people :) There's a lot going on now telling us how hopeless everything is, how terrible and horrible and no-good everythings are working against everything to make everything worse and nothing could make it better because everything! is! bad! even good people are bad! so what's the point!
Which is emphatically not true. Humanity has survived and kind, gentle people have quietly made a difference for hundreds of thousands of years. Trees just sit there taking in carbon dioxide and breathing out oxygen. Some trees are invasive in imbalanced environments (Douglas fir are actually invasive in the PacNW; there were more oak trees before white people came – long story, check out forestry management if curious); other trees need fire (Ponderosa pine); still others just like sitting around solo in a field.
It only takes one tree to break up a concrete sidewalk with its roots. They grow in the lava fields in Oregon too. Our human ideas of permanence are not set in stone. This too shall pass. There's no value judgment there; this too shall pass.
posted by fraula at 11:52 AM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
I had something similar this year – for the first 30 years of my life, I had terrible anxiety and spiralling catastrophic thinking. Part of the problem was being raised by parents who went above and beyond the catastrophes I imagined as a kid, so it was a useful survival strategy! Eek. I had always journaled, done my best to keep in touch with friends, that sort of thing. But the panic attacks and nightmares only started to go away when I started dream journalling. I didn't need to analyze them or anything, all I did was write down my dreams, and no kidding, within a few months I was panic-attack free. It took me several more years and real therapy to get a hand on spiralling catastrophic thinking, but that eventually happened too.
Then this summer came around. There was no one trigger; just one day I realized I wasn't having a heart attack, but my first panic attack in over ten years. It wasn't linked to thoughts, for once. Just a vast, empty void; a void that's only started to feel less empty in the last couple of weeks. (The Supreme Court deal wasn't much of a trigger; I deal with so much µ^§%&@ç# in my day job that it was actually refreshing to be able to walk around the office afterward imitating Matt Damon going in his dude-jock-turned-rancid-adult-bro voice, "d'ya mean was I cool? Pffyaah?" in the deepest of deep ironies.)
What got me through the months of profound emotional depression (it was bad) was keeping a skeleton schedule: go to bed at the same time every night no matter what; give myself a pass on waking hours when I could. Eat breakfast when I woke up, lunch sometime between noon and 2pm, dinner between 6-7pm. Pick up around the house when I spotted things that irked me. Feeling irked by things reminded me I was alive, and picking up what I could helped affirm my right to be happy in my home, even though it was more like less-profound pain. I don't know why it's starting to get better now? We're working on it in therapy. My therapist was surprised to hear how different it was from previous symptoms I'd had too.
Cerebral stuff helped not one whit, which was a big difference. Being around people who give off a sense of peace definitely did. I'm lucky at my current place that there are two people in particular on our team who are very kind, accepting, and peaceful. Which reminds me – consciously thinking of other people in my life who are like that, and quietly reaching out to them, also helped. Knowing that people like that exist helps me see the worth in the world.
You're one of those people :) There's a lot going on now telling us how hopeless everything is, how terrible and horrible and no-good everythings are working against everything to make everything worse and nothing could make it better because everything! is! bad! even good people are bad! so what's the point!
Which is emphatically not true. Humanity has survived and kind, gentle people have quietly made a difference for hundreds of thousands of years. Trees just sit there taking in carbon dioxide and breathing out oxygen. Some trees are invasive in imbalanced environments (Douglas fir are actually invasive in the PacNW; there were more oak trees before white people came – long story, check out forestry management if curious); other trees need fire (Ponderosa pine); still others just like sitting around solo in a field.
It only takes one tree to break up a concrete sidewalk with its roots. They grow in the lava fields in Oregon too. Our human ideas of permanence are not set in stone. This too shall pass. There's no value judgment there; this too shall pass.
posted by fraula at 11:52 AM on October 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
This is a thing where the first thing you need to do is talk about getting your meds adjusted or trying new meds. Don't feel like you need to do yoga or volunteer when you're feeling this bad - if it's helps you, that's great, but makes things as chemically, physically easy on yourself as possible while on such a deep level of depression. That feeling is really scary, but it also might help to know it is definitely depression and not you. Don't watch the news, don't read the news, don't do social media if that upsets you, basically take away anything you have a choice about that might be retraumatizing so you can save that energy for you.
posted by colorblock sock at 12:28 PM on October 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by colorblock sock at 12:28 PM on October 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
Here's one thing I did that brought me ridiculous peace. One morning when I was late already for work so whatever, I took the scented soap I bought at Tuesday Morning out of its box and wrapped each bar in a decorative hanky and put it in a clothes drawer for a sachet and then I took all the Barbie clothes out of the pencil cup where they'd been stuffed and I folded each Barbie item according to Marie Kondo's meticulous clothes-folding rule and I stacked Barbie's outfits upright according to Marie Kondo's meticulous drawer-loading rule in the Tuesday Morning soap box, which says "Paris" on it and has a stylized picture of the Paris skyline or the Eiffel Tower or something, dunno, looks French. This took like 45 minutes and was absolutely pointless. I've also Kondoed my shoes and my t-shirts, but that's more pointful and not done when I was supposed to be leaving for work or feeling incapable of life generally so not germane to the question.
I think when you feel really horrible, it's time to give up striving for a while and instead to mine the limitlessly rich vein of pointlessness in the universe by doing things like eating toast while watching small claims court television or folding Barbie's tiny outfits while listening to Judge John Hodgman be gentle and kind to a weird dad.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:36 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think when you feel really horrible, it's time to give up striving for a while and instead to mine the limitlessly rich vein of pointlessness in the universe by doing things like eating toast while watching small claims court television or folding Barbie's tiny outfits while listening to Judge John Hodgman be gentle and kind to a weird dad.
posted by Don Pepino at 12:36 PM on October 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
I totally get the retraumatization and that gut-level feeling. Butterfly hug helps a bit. Stepping up therapy helps a lot, honestly, and some of my sense is that that feeling is also a signal that it's time to process more stuff (assuming stability and meds working). Two things I keep telling myself: I'm not alone (reaching out to my therapist and psych helps with that) and I am no longer there in the place where the trauma originated.
posted by ahundredjarsofsky at 12:07 AM on October 13, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ahundredjarsofsky at 12:07 AM on October 13, 2018 [1 favorite]
Stop minding so much. Your voice is not silenced. The confirmation, or anything else, takes nothing away from your truth. Nothing true can be erased.
I'm gonna call bullshit on all of this. Look: it is OK to be a person in the world, and it is OK to engage with the world. Saying "stop minding so much" is silencing you. It is OK that you feel this way and that you are engaging with the world. The reason I bang on so much about going to the gym is because self-care is an act of resistance. Being strong in a world that wants to tear you down is resistance, as Audre Lorde taught us. Being a human in the world and caring about the world is a political act. Some bodies have the option of opting out, but yours doesn't. So take care of your brain and body and own yourself. Do not listen to people who are telling you not to care. There are ways of caring that are profoundly liberating and strengthening - this is why people say things like "exercise" and "volunteer" when you feel low. The best thing you can do is mind as hard as you can, and use that as fuel to make yourself strong.
posted by sockermom at 9:52 AM on October 13, 2018 [5 favorites]
I'm gonna call bullshit on all of this. Look: it is OK to be a person in the world, and it is OK to engage with the world. Saying "stop minding so much" is silencing you. It is OK that you feel this way and that you are engaging with the world. The reason I bang on so much about going to the gym is because self-care is an act of resistance. Being strong in a world that wants to tear you down is resistance, as Audre Lorde taught us. Being a human in the world and caring about the world is a political act. Some bodies have the option of opting out, but yours doesn't. So take care of your brain and body and own yourself. Do not listen to people who are telling you not to care. There are ways of caring that are profoundly liberating and strengthening - this is why people say things like "exercise" and "volunteer" when you feel low. The best thing you can do is mind as hard as you can, and use that as fuel to make yourself strong.
posted by sockermom at 9:52 AM on October 13, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's really tough.
I have Complex PTSD. My first thought when I read your post was, of course she feels that way, it makes total sense. This confirmation has triggered her trauma symptoms.
I am not a medical professional of any kind, but I suspect this is what's happening, since it sounds so much like what happens to me when I'm triggered: a sense of worthlessness so deep that it's almost impossible to explain.
Having reached out to this community is already a brave act of self-care.
Trauma symptoms, as you no doubt know, are different than those for depression, but there is a little overlap. They manifest at such a gut-level depth that the usual self-care doesn't always help as much, though as mentioned by others, it's a really good idea. When it happens to me, I treat it like the flu. I have to take care of myself, distract myself from pain as much as I can, and let it run its course. It does get better.
Also, what helps me objectify it is knowing this feeling of worthlessness is a symptom of an illness--trauma--and not a reflection of reality.
In addition to the good suggestions above, perhaps it would help to take care of your physical self as much as you can and distract yourself with whatever your favorite activities are that you feel up to. For me, that's video games, watching good streaming TV, researching something on the web that interests me (usually history), ordering out, and reading.
Sending love.
posted by J. Tiberius at 3:44 PM on October 13, 2018
I have Complex PTSD. My first thought when I read your post was, of course she feels that way, it makes total sense. This confirmation has triggered her trauma symptoms.
I am not a medical professional of any kind, but I suspect this is what's happening, since it sounds so much like what happens to me when I'm triggered: a sense of worthlessness so deep that it's almost impossible to explain.
Having reached out to this community is already a brave act of self-care.
Trauma symptoms, as you no doubt know, are different than those for depression, but there is a little overlap. They manifest at such a gut-level depth that the usual self-care doesn't always help as much, though as mentioned by others, it's a really good idea. When it happens to me, I treat it like the flu. I have to take care of myself, distract myself from pain as much as I can, and let it run its course. It does get better.
Also, what helps me objectify it is knowing this feeling of worthlessness is a symptom of an illness--trauma--and not a reflection of reality.
In addition to the good suggestions above, perhaps it would help to take care of your physical self as much as you can and distract yourself with whatever your favorite activities are that you feel up to. For me, that's video games, watching good streaming TV, researching something on the web that interests me (usually history), ordering out, and reading.
Sending love.
posted by J. Tiberius at 3:44 PM on October 13, 2018
Stop minding so much.
I'm gonna call bullshit
Yeah. Me, too. I can't stop minding so much. I can stop looking at it, but I can't stop minding so much. It may be possible to mind in a different way, however, and to rethink just who in all this is "lower than dirt," because it sure as hell is not me or you. My friend and I got together before the final confirmation hearing to mind. Then we minded separately until today, when, thinking about this thread, actually, I called to report that I minded so much that I'd missed work over it. Just in case she was feeling similarly. (Yes.) (Of course.) Now she and I are going to meet and write postcards to voters. There's a little cafe/bar that feels like you're inside a music box. We'll get a bottle of wine and write the postcards and mind the shit out of this together. Audre Lorde is definitely the one to read right now.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:40 PM on October 13, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'm gonna call bullshit
Yeah. Me, too. I can't stop minding so much. I can stop looking at it, but I can't stop minding so much. It may be possible to mind in a different way, however, and to rethink just who in all this is "lower than dirt," because it sure as hell is not me or you. My friend and I got together before the final confirmation hearing to mind. Then we minded separately until today, when, thinking about this thread, actually, I called to report that I minded so much that I'd missed work over it. Just in case she was feeling similarly. (Yes.) (Of course.) Now she and I are going to meet and write postcards to voters. There's a little cafe/bar that feels like you're inside a music box. We'll get a bottle of wine and write the postcards and mind the shit out of this together. Audre Lorde is definitely the one to read right now.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:40 PM on October 13, 2018 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you, everyone. I’m taking all this in. Still feeling really low, but I went for a walk on the Jones Beach boardwalk at sunset (and photographed some beautiful skies even though I was crying a lot), worked on sewing projects, and watched Priscilla, Queen of the Desert this evening. Tomorrow I’m planning to go to a quilt show and hike with a friend.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:49 PM on October 13, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 10:49 PM on October 13, 2018 [5 favorites]
You are doing all the right things. It takes time. Be proud of what you achieved yesterday - you are doing great.
posted by crazycanuck at 2:00 PM on October 14, 2018
posted by crazycanuck at 2:00 PM on October 14, 2018
Response by poster: I used so many bits of advice from this thread over the past week—I even got really good bread and butter and used it. And thankfully, the current episode has resolved in the past couple days. I marked J. Tiberius's answer as best because a number of things over the past week made it clearer that this was a manifestation of PTSD rather than depression on its own, but nearly every answer here had something useful in it.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:25 PM on October 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 8:25 PM on October 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Hahaaa, me too, yesterday I got a loaf of sourdough and made a ton of toast! Cheers to you, and so glad it got better.
posted by Don Pepino at 6:07 AM on October 21, 2018
posted by Don Pepino at 6:07 AM on October 21, 2018
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posted by ocherdraco at 12:27 AM on October 12, 2018 [2 favorites]