Help me stop a family embezzlement
September 16, 2018 12:12 PM Subscribe
My parents are heading toward separation or divorce, and I believe my dad is stealing maternal estate assets and inheritance from my mom and hiding them possibly in preparation to leave the country. She is overwhelmed and has asked for my help. How do I intervene and secure the estate? This is in central Virginia.
My dad is a naturalized US citizen who grew up in the Philippines. I suspect he's been misappropriating and hiding liquid assets, possibly transferring money offshore, in preparation to leave my mom and live off that money. ROM $1M.
When my maternal grandad died ten years ago, his wishes were the estate was to be split between my sister and I in custody of my mom. Recently mom has discovered that dad has been accessing investments and money formerly in grandad's name, which transferred to mom's name upon his death, and somehow moving them to accounts which are in dad's name only. When mom confronted about the inheritance being intended for my sister and I, dad's response was that he was entitled to use the money and we could fend for ourselves. I'm not clear if this is technically embezzlement or theft; the estate was transferred to mom's name but I don't know how much claim dad has as her legal spouse.
He becomes enraged when she asks about the accounts and has been intercepting her mail and shredding any statements or records. Mom has contacted a couple of the brokerages who won't speak to her as she is no longer the primary account holder on these accounts that were originally in her name only. She is covertly attempting to go through documents to determine where the assets are held but isn't having much luck. If dad suspects she's been snooping he may further conceal money or transfer it offshore. Dad has been doing all the finances for the family since forever and has always filed taxes as married/jointly.
My mom has physical disabilities from a serious accident and hasn't worked a career job since the 80s. She is sharp, mobile, and can drive. We are concerned for her safety, but for the scope of this ask she does have safe places she can go if things escalate. In this situation she would likely need the estate assets to support herself and my sister and I are 100% OK with this. There is real estate in the… estate and the rent proceeds go to an account controlled by mom, so she does have an income stream.
She is understandably overwhelmed by the emotional parts of this situation compounded by the deceit and shady dealings, and I'm not confident she will be successful on her own. I believe she is the victim and don't believe she is lying to my sister or me.
What can I do to help her freeze family assets, investigate where things are, and correct whatever my dad has done? I'm aware that Virginia doesn't have a financial ATRO, but a temporary financial restraining order can be requested. I live in Oregon and my sister is in Northern Virginia. Sister is wonderful for a safe place and emotional support but for reasons I am better suited to take charge on this front. If needed I can visit VA but my job is here. I don't think a private investigator will be useful, do we go to a forensic accountant? Divorce attorney? The SEC?
Mom is hesitant to involve an attorney or accountant because she has reason to believe dad will immediately leave the country and the money will be irrecoverable. He has family and friends in the Philippines and it would be easy to hide himself and the money there.
Things I have suggested:
- get a PO box, forward mail, sign up for Informed Delivery
- get a divorce lawyer
- go stay somewhere else for safety
- create an LLC or other company entity for the real estate income and expenses
- begin keeping records to file taxes separately
- document or record instances of verbal abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, etc
Not in scope for this ask:
- therapy or emotional support which we will address elsewhere
- dad's side of the story or motives, for obvious reasons I can't discuss this with him
Please help! Paths to take, things to avoid, recommendations of experienced professionals requested.
Burner email for questions: urthiyiz@emlhub.com
My dad is a naturalized US citizen who grew up in the Philippines. I suspect he's been misappropriating and hiding liquid assets, possibly transferring money offshore, in preparation to leave my mom and live off that money. ROM $1M.
When my maternal grandad died ten years ago, his wishes were the estate was to be split between my sister and I in custody of my mom. Recently mom has discovered that dad has been accessing investments and money formerly in grandad's name, which transferred to mom's name upon his death, and somehow moving them to accounts which are in dad's name only. When mom confronted about the inheritance being intended for my sister and I, dad's response was that he was entitled to use the money and we could fend for ourselves. I'm not clear if this is technically embezzlement or theft; the estate was transferred to mom's name but I don't know how much claim dad has as her legal spouse.
He becomes enraged when she asks about the accounts and has been intercepting her mail and shredding any statements or records. Mom has contacted a couple of the brokerages who won't speak to her as she is no longer the primary account holder on these accounts that were originally in her name only. She is covertly attempting to go through documents to determine where the assets are held but isn't having much luck. If dad suspects she's been snooping he may further conceal money or transfer it offshore. Dad has been doing all the finances for the family since forever and has always filed taxes as married/jointly.
My mom has physical disabilities from a serious accident and hasn't worked a career job since the 80s. She is sharp, mobile, and can drive. We are concerned for her safety, but for the scope of this ask she does have safe places she can go if things escalate. In this situation she would likely need the estate assets to support herself and my sister and I are 100% OK with this. There is real estate in the… estate and the rent proceeds go to an account controlled by mom, so she does have an income stream.
She is understandably overwhelmed by the emotional parts of this situation compounded by the deceit and shady dealings, and I'm not confident she will be successful on her own. I believe she is the victim and don't believe she is lying to my sister or me.
What can I do to help her freeze family assets, investigate where things are, and correct whatever my dad has done? I'm aware that Virginia doesn't have a financial ATRO, but a temporary financial restraining order can be requested. I live in Oregon and my sister is in Northern Virginia. Sister is wonderful for a safe place and emotional support but for reasons I am better suited to take charge on this front. If needed I can visit VA but my job is here. I don't think a private investigator will be useful, do we go to a forensic accountant? Divorce attorney? The SEC?
Mom is hesitant to involve an attorney or accountant because she has reason to believe dad will immediately leave the country and the money will be irrecoverable. He has family and friends in the Philippines and it would be easy to hide himself and the money there.
Things I have suggested:
- get a PO box, forward mail, sign up for Informed Delivery
- get a divorce lawyer
- go stay somewhere else for safety
- create an LLC or other company entity for the real estate income and expenses
- begin keeping records to file taxes separately
- document or record instances of verbal abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, etc
Not in scope for this ask:
- therapy or emotional support which we will address elsewhere
- dad's side of the story or motives, for obvious reasons I can't discuss this with him
Please help! Paths to take, things to avoid, recommendations of experienced professionals requested.
Burner email for questions: urthiyiz@emlhub.com
I'm so sorry.
If your mom has the ability to leave the house freely, she can certainly go speak to some attorneys without your dad knowing.
It might also be worth getting in touch with some domestic violence groups, as they will have more specific and more affordable ways to figure out steps for her departing as safely as possible.
posted by k8t at 12:40 PM on September 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
If your mom has the ability to leave the house freely, she can certainly go speak to some attorneys without your dad knowing.
It might also be worth getting in touch with some domestic violence groups, as they will have more specific and more affordable ways to figure out steps for her departing as safely as possible.
posted by k8t at 12:40 PM on September 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Financial abuse is all too common in troubled relationships. Your mom definitely needs a lawyer, and K8t's idea to contact a domestic violence group or shelter is a good one also. Domestic violence advocates deal with this all the time, and might be able to refer your mom to a lawyer and offer practical help on how to protect herself financially.
The National Network to End Domestic Violence is a good place to start; you (not her, this way your dad won't find out) can google "< Your Area > Domestic Violence Resources" to find someplace local. If your mom is a woman of color, there are some specialized agencies that can help. Since she is disabled, you might also try contacting your local office of aging and disability as well.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:13 PM on September 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
The National Network to End Domestic Violence is a good place to start; you (not her, this way your dad won't find out) can google "< Your Area > Domestic Violence Resources" to find someplace local. If your mom is a woman of color, there are some specialized agencies that can help. Since she is disabled, you might also try contacting your local office of aging and disability as well.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 1:13 PM on September 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
Especially considering the abuse and disability issues involved, your local Legal Aid may be able to help. At that point, you may be able to make yourself available to testify about what you have observed. This is 100% a problem for a lawyer to help solve. Seriously. But she has to want to get a lawyer.
posted by Handstand Devil at 1:51 PM on September 16, 2018
posted by Handstand Devil at 1:51 PM on September 16, 2018
Thirding k8t and Rosie M. Banks about the value of domestic violence prevention agencies as a resource in your mom's situation.
The statewide DV prevention hotline in Virginia is 1-800-838-8238.You yourself can call as a concerned family member to talk about what you can do to help your mom.
If your mom comes to the conclusion that she wants legal advice, 1-800-838-8238 will also connect her to the Project for Empowerment of Survivors.
This is a state-funded program that "offers survivors of violence, particularly those who are traditionally underrepresented, an opportunity to find answers to legal questions, gain insight into additional legal issues, carefully weigh legal options on the phone or online chat, and be linked to advocacy and legal services in their local communities."
Here's more information about the Project for Empowerment of Survivors.
I'm so sorry.
posted by virago at 3:01 PM on September 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
The statewide DV prevention hotline in Virginia is 1-800-838-8238.You yourself can call as a concerned family member to talk about what you can do to help your mom.
If your mom comes to the conclusion that she wants legal advice, 1-800-838-8238 will also connect her to the Project for Empowerment of Survivors.
This is a state-funded program that "offers survivors of violence, particularly those who are traditionally underrepresented, an opportunity to find answers to legal questions, gain insight into additional legal issues, carefully weigh legal options on the phone or online chat, and be linked to advocacy and legal services in their local communities."
Here's more information about the Project for Empowerment of Survivors.
I'm so sorry.
posted by virago at 3:01 PM on September 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
She absolutely needs a lawyer who specializes in divorces with financial abuse and she needs to keep her relationship with the lawyer secret from your father. She needs the lawyer immediately.
She should not move out and leave the family home if she can help it.
posted by quince at 3:06 PM on September 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
She should not move out and leave the family home if she can help it.
posted by quince at 3:06 PM on September 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
Also:
Virginia Legal Aid on signs of elder abuse and state laws and resources pertaining to elder abuse, including financial abuse.
posted by virago at 3:15 PM on September 16, 2018
Virginia Legal Aid on signs of elder abuse and state laws and resources pertaining to elder abuse, including financial abuse.
posted by virago at 3:15 PM on September 16, 2018
None of this is legal advice. Your mom does need a lawyer, stat.
You can't discuss this situation with your father, but maybe you can ask when he last had a full medical check-up? It's not clear if your dad's maneuverings are recent, or if your mom's discovery is recent, or both.
Whatever his age, there might be health-related underpinnings to his behavior. Then there's the understandable concern, given his rages and unpredictability, that he might abruptly book a flight? Travel's a terrible idea if he's unwell. Perhaps your mom could use a bank safe deposit box to hold their passports, as well as the other important records she's going to collect, for peace of mind.
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:54 PM on September 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
You can't discuss this situation with your father, but maybe you can ask when he last had a full medical check-up? It's not clear if your dad's maneuverings are recent, or if your mom's discovery is recent, or both.
Whatever his age, there might be health-related underpinnings to his behavior. Then there's the understandable concern, given his rages and unpredictability, that he might abruptly book a flight? Travel's a terrible idea if he's unwell. Perhaps your mom could use a bank safe deposit box to hold their passports, as well as the other important records she's going to collect, for peace of mind.
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:54 PM on September 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
TINLA but is it possible for her to talk with local law enforcement about this, at the police station for example? I believe there are ways that a passport can be flagged and make it difficult to leave the country or enter another country, but googling is a bit difficult because the most common use of this is custody disputes. It absolutely seems to me like he is acting in a way that he knows he is doing something illegal, and is a flight risk, and that’s besides the domestic violence threats. This would be in addition to a divorce and / or financial crimes lawyer. She just really needs some legal way to stop him easily fleeing the country and maybe a police investigation is a good way to do that.
posted by permiechickie at 7:38 PM on September 16, 2018
posted by permiechickie at 7:38 PM on September 16, 2018
Bedrockdivorce.com has good advice in their blog and books. Probably worth a consult with them on strategy before retaining a Virginia lawyer. Problem with this situation is that you don't know what a good lawyer should be doing for you. Checking with a consultant could give you a better idea on what should be done.
posted by Sophont at 8:17 PM on September 16, 2018
posted by Sophont at 8:17 PM on September 16, 2018
If the money is in your mom's name, this is a police matter if he is taking it without her permission or knowledge.
I would contact the financial institution that is allowing him to move assets out of her name into his name and have them stop. I would change the passwords on any online financial account that is in her name only.
I would also get a lawyer.
posted by AugustWest at 8:27 PM on September 16, 2018
I would contact the financial institution that is allowing him to move assets out of her name into his name and have them stop. I would change the passwords on any online financial account that is in her name only.
I would also get a lawyer.
posted by AugustWest at 8:27 PM on September 16, 2018
Mom is hesitant to involve an attorney or accountant because she has reason to believe dad will immediately leave the country and the money will be irrecoverable.
Attorneys can be magic for these kinds of situations, and they offer confidential consultations that simply discuss options for next steps. This could be a case where your mom can get fast assistance from the court without your dad knowing in advance, and then your mom may be able to have the status quo preserved by the court while the rest of everything else gets worked out.
This escape will not be easy but ThereIsHelp, and information about how to find an attorney is available at the MeFi Wiki Get a lawyer page.
posted by Little Dawn at 8:40 PM on September 16, 2018
Attorneys can be magic for these kinds of situations, and they offer confidential consultations that simply discuss options for next steps. This could be a case where your mom can get fast assistance from the court without your dad knowing in advance, and then your mom may be able to have the status quo preserved by the court while the rest of everything else gets worked out.
This escape will not be easy but ThereIsHelp, and information about how to find an attorney is available at the MeFi Wiki Get a lawyer page.
posted by Little Dawn at 8:40 PM on September 16, 2018
Advice above about contacting a lawyer is good. I would add that you might also want to get your hands on your maternal grandfather's will. You refer to "his wishes," but if those wishes are expressed in a will you have a much stronger case for keeping your father's hands off (what is essentially) your money. A lawyer can advise you better, but it sounds like your father's actions are edging over into fraud.
posted by John Borrowman at 8:29 AM on September 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by John Borrowman at 8:29 AM on September 17, 2018 [3 favorites]
I suggest that you have your mother do a credit check thru the Free Credit Check site. She needs to know if there are any existing lines of credit that she doesn't know about. If he does intend to leave the country he may be tapping in to credit that he has every intention of leaving your mother stuck with, including borrowing against their home.
posted by readery at 9:31 AM on September 17, 2018
posted by readery at 9:31 AM on September 17, 2018
I am not a lawyer and you should consult one. But Virginia law states that an inheritance belongs to the spouse. So I am wondering how your father got some entity to sign over money's that belonged to your mother or you, over to him. If it was in her name, it would have been fraud, right? Either he got her to sign something or he forged her signature. Either way, you need to get out there right now. Don't stop, just do it.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:56 PM on September 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:56 PM on September 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ubiquity at 12:22 PM on September 16, 2018 [37 favorites]