Successfully overcoming my fear of flying
September 4, 2018 9:51 AM Subscribe
I’m looking for tips & tricks from people who have successfully overcome (or managed) fear of flying without use of medication. For reference, I’m 39 and have never flown, but need to start doing so soon. My fear is not primarily that the plane will crash, but that flying will trip the triggers for my regular anxiety, leaving me stuck with a panic attack on the flight. More inside...
(asking for Herr Vortex, who wrote this question)
Due to changes in my work, and also the need to expand the potential for vacations beyond road trips, I need to start flying, probably by the end of the year. However, I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life and am (of course) anxious about having anxiety symptoms while flying.
My anxiety usually manifests as nausea, which starts a feedback loop (I get anxious about feeling ill, which makes me more ill, etc.). I also occasionally have panic attacks (probably 4 to 8 over the last 5 years). These attacks lead to shaking, shortness of breath, a strong desire to flee wherever I am, and twice in my life have cause me to faint. They can last 30 to 90 minutes. My primary response to both anxiety-induced nausea and panic attacks is to get to a place where I’m alone, control sensations around me (low light, low noise, cool temp, overall low stimulation) and ride them out (using mindfulness techniques, meditation, etc.). I don’t use medication (prescribed or otherwise) for a variety of reasons, and it’s not an option going forward either.
Triggers (or magnifiers) for my anxiety are new locations & situations where I don’t know what to expect, excessive stimulation (too noisy, too bright, too chaotic), lack of control of my personal environment (i.e. can’t get away if I wish, ‘trapped’, etc.) and all of the above is sharply magnified by social anxiety (If I don’t know how this situation is supposed to go, will I look weird? If I am anxious, I spend a lot of energy trying to look normal, etc.).
Given that, flying seems to be a perfect storm of triggers. Having never flown before, I will be in new situations/locations continuously. I won’t be in control of my environment on the plane and obviously can’t ‘get away’, and there’s likely to be plenty of excess sensation, possible motion sickness, etc. All of this will happen in public where at 39 year old dude should be totally familiar with what to do, chill about the process, and of course not looking so panicked that he attracts unwanted security attention… trying to present that image will be difficult.
Typically I would do a desensitization process- dry runs of the situation, spending a short period of time in the situation, etc. That has worked very successfully for me in adapting to other forms of travel, making presentations for business, formal social situations, etc. but this looks more like a ‘jump in the deep end’ scenario.
As of now, my plan is as follows:
1. Read up about procedures and processes for the airport (including responses here).
2. Go to the airport and soak up as much atmosphere as possible in the ‘outside security’ area of the terminal.
3. Our airport has two terminals. I’m planning to make my first flight on a carrier that uses the smaller terminal which has less traffic, quicker security, etc. and to fly on a day with lower traffic.
4. Fly to a fairly nearby city with a short flight (scheduled at 90 minutes) so I can end up in a city that I’m familiar with (reducing the number of ‘new’ things I’m exposed to). This trip will be solely for the purpose of getting my first flight out of the way so I don’t have to worry about accomplishing anything else- we'll take the train back :) .
5. Rely on my wife during the flight. She’s an experienced flyer who I don’t have to conceal my anxiety from, and can take the lead in getting through the process.
I have pretty successfully overcome my anxiety and dealt with it over the last decade in various situations, so I do have internal resources and experience to fall back on. Flying is the last major anxiety area I have to conquer (among ‘normal’ things that the average person does- I’d be terrified to rock climb but also can live a normal life without doing it).
If anyone has been in a similar situation and been successful (either overcoming their fear of flying entirely, or managing it well enough that they can go through it without major issues), I’d love to hear tips, tricks and stories. What tactics did you use? What was your experience like? What surprised you, good or bad? How has your ongoing experience with flying been? Again, I don’t use medications or ‘self-medication’ so I’m looking for experiences and tips that don’t require that.
Thanks!
(asking for Herr Vortex, who wrote this question)
Due to changes in my work, and also the need to expand the potential for vacations beyond road trips, I need to start flying, probably by the end of the year. However, I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life and am (of course) anxious about having anxiety symptoms while flying.
My anxiety usually manifests as nausea, which starts a feedback loop (I get anxious about feeling ill, which makes me more ill, etc.). I also occasionally have panic attacks (probably 4 to 8 over the last 5 years). These attacks lead to shaking, shortness of breath, a strong desire to flee wherever I am, and twice in my life have cause me to faint. They can last 30 to 90 minutes. My primary response to both anxiety-induced nausea and panic attacks is to get to a place where I’m alone, control sensations around me (low light, low noise, cool temp, overall low stimulation) and ride them out (using mindfulness techniques, meditation, etc.). I don’t use medication (prescribed or otherwise) for a variety of reasons, and it’s not an option going forward either.
Triggers (or magnifiers) for my anxiety are new locations & situations where I don’t know what to expect, excessive stimulation (too noisy, too bright, too chaotic), lack of control of my personal environment (i.e. can’t get away if I wish, ‘trapped’, etc.) and all of the above is sharply magnified by social anxiety (If I don’t know how this situation is supposed to go, will I look weird? If I am anxious, I spend a lot of energy trying to look normal, etc.).
Given that, flying seems to be a perfect storm of triggers. Having never flown before, I will be in new situations/locations continuously. I won’t be in control of my environment on the plane and obviously can’t ‘get away’, and there’s likely to be plenty of excess sensation, possible motion sickness, etc. All of this will happen in public where at 39 year old dude should be totally familiar with what to do, chill about the process, and of course not looking so panicked that he attracts unwanted security attention… trying to present that image will be difficult.
Typically I would do a desensitization process- dry runs of the situation, spending a short period of time in the situation, etc. That has worked very successfully for me in adapting to other forms of travel, making presentations for business, formal social situations, etc. but this looks more like a ‘jump in the deep end’ scenario.
As of now, my plan is as follows:
1. Read up about procedures and processes for the airport (including responses here).
2. Go to the airport and soak up as much atmosphere as possible in the ‘outside security’ area of the terminal.
3. Our airport has two terminals. I’m planning to make my first flight on a carrier that uses the smaller terminal which has less traffic, quicker security, etc. and to fly on a day with lower traffic.
4. Fly to a fairly nearby city with a short flight (scheduled at 90 minutes) so I can end up in a city that I’m familiar with (reducing the number of ‘new’ things I’m exposed to). This trip will be solely for the purpose of getting my first flight out of the way so I don’t have to worry about accomplishing anything else- we'll take the train back :) .
5. Rely on my wife during the flight. She’s an experienced flyer who I don’t have to conceal my anxiety from, and can take the lead in getting through the process.
I have pretty successfully overcome my anxiety and dealt with it over the last decade in various situations, so I do have internal resources and experience to fall back on. Flying is the last major anxiety area I have to conquer (among ‘normal’ things that the average person does- I’d be terrified to rock climb but also can live a normal life without doing it).
If anyone has been in a similar situation and been successful (either overcoming their fear of flying entirely, or managing it well enough that they can go through it without major issues), I’d love to hear tips, tricks and stories. What tactics did you use? What was your experience like? What surprised you, good or bad? How has your ongoing experience with flying been? Again, I don’t use medications or ‘self-medication’ so I’m looking for experiences and tips that don’t require that.
Thanks!
Congrats on taking this exciting step! Headphones and listening to music really help me relax on the plane during take off and landing. In addition to listening to music I also have a book and focus on the words and the music and try to ignore the sensations.
To me the acceleration feeling at take off really really resembles the pre-panic attack feeling that I get so this is the hardest part of the trip for me.
The airport itself doesn’t make me anxious and I have my bag searched every darn time. Even if they pull you aside for special screening they will eventually let you go. Even if you have a contraband item the worst thing they do is make you throw it away.
posted by MadMadam at 10:32 AM on September 4, 2018
To me the acceleration feeling at take off really really resembles the pre-panic attack feeling that I get so this is the hardest part of the trip for me.
The airport itself doesn’t make me anxious and I have my bag searched every darn time. Even if they pull you aside for special screening they will eventually let you go. Even if you have a contraband item the worst thing they do is make you throw it away.
posted by MadMadam at 10:32 AM on September 4, 2018
Best answer: The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook is really good for this stuff. It'll give you exercises you can do in your head before and during to fight off the most persistent triggers.
I don't know if this violates your 'self-medication' (I'm assuming you mean drugs or alcohol) clause but as someone with legitimate sinus-related flying difficulties that make my anxiety/claustrophobia significantly worse, I take the following to fly without having to worry about specific flying discomforts: ibuprofen, sudafed (the real stuff, pharmacy-counter-grade), gas-x, all about an hour before boarding. The ibuprofen and sudafed do provide a subtle chill-out effect along with keeping me from being so sensitive to the pressure changes that I am at best just quietly not-the-most-comfortable and at worst really uncomfortable, and if it's going to be a long or crowded or just for whatever reason extra-stressful flight I add a children's Benadryl entirely for the chill-out effect but also if it happens to spare me a bit of discomfort from a plane full of people's clothing pollen and cat dander I'll take it.
This combo generally prevents pressurization issues in my face/ears and gut, but my husband who truly suffers from motion sickness has converted me to a prophylactic Bonine user before I get on any kind of mass transport or long passenger ride now. It certainly has not hurt the last few flights I've taken when I used it too.
I also have to have the biggest bottle of water I can buy in the airport. Because...it's basically a comfort item, but being thirsty and being able to fix that problem myself is psychologically important. Same with a snack, even if I don't eat it.
I find with all those bases covered (because "fear of pain/discomfort" is probably my primary anxiety trigger) that I am able to be far more philosophical about all the other shit I cannot control, both the scary ones and the infuriating ones, and I can happily disappear into my book, magazine, or audiobook (increasingly this is my preference but you can't use it during takeoff and landing so you get to treat yourself to a magazine you otherwise would never read, that's the rules, because I love the skymall catalog but sometimes it's missing or I've already seen it).
Like you, I manage my anxiety around the process by trying to plan very thoroughly, but you have to be careful that you don't plan yourself into a state that any deviation from the plan is a tragedy. Part of my philosophy around the entire airport property is that this is a sort of alternate universe with its own rules and logic and I'm only a visitor there. I'm going to gather up all my necessary information and have it at hand but otherwise submit to the alternate universe: go where it tells me to go, wait where I have to wait, listen to instructions. It's an interesting land with customs and physics of its own and I'll just have to do my best. Give yourself plenty of time so that everything you do can be done slowly and carefully. The whole place is actually architected to funnel you to the places you need to be, and the system mostly works, but it works much better if you don't fight it because it's not like you're going to win and make the plane come get you somewhere other than where the plane is.
And good news: once you've done it once, a lot of the mystery will be removed for you. Like, it's hard to explain the energy of an airport to someone who's never experienced it, but once you have you pretty much know the tenor of every airport that isn't in some kind of exceptional circumstances (like political or cultural upheaval). And Airportspace is weirdly similar whether you're in Fargo or LAX, they're all constructed and workflowed in nearly the same ways by almost all the same vendors, you just have to walk farther in the bigger ones. Try to think of your first flight as ripping the band-aid off, a thing you need to get through once and you'll be educated once it's over so it will never be so much of a black box again.
I still have some anxiety in the days before I fly, in part because I'm not a good packer and I always feel disorganized in that way, and I also hate upheaval in my life, but I plan my getting to/parking situation well in advance to be as easy as possible (for me this means off-site parking and a shuttle to my terminal) and once my car is parked and I am on the shuttle I just become a cog in the machine, and I remain a cog until I am spit out the other end at the rental car desk or hotel or picked up by someone. There's very few problems that can happen inside an airport or an airplane that do not have an already-engineered solution, you are pretty much never going to be called on to provide those solutions unless maybe you are a physician, all you have to do is put your physical being in the places necessary and you will very likely get where you were going eventually. It's almost a form of meditation.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:38 AM on September 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
I don't know if this violates your 'self-medication' (I'm assuming you mean drugs or alcohol) clause but as someone with legitimate sinus-related flying difficulties that make my anxiety/claustrophobia significantly worse, I take the following to fly without having to worry about specific flying discomforts: ibuprofen, sudafed (the real stuff, pharmacy-counter-grade), gas-x, all about an hour before boarding. The ibuprofen and sudafed do provide a subtle chill-out effect along with keeping me from being so sensitive to the pressure changes that I am at best just quietly not-the-most-comfortable and at worst really uncomfortable, and if it's going to be a long or crowded or just for whatever reason extra-stressful flight I add a children's Benadryl entirely for the chill-out effect but also if it happens to spare me a bit of discomfort from a plane full of people's clothing pollen and cat dander I'll take it.
This combo generally prevents pressurization issues in my face/ears and gut, but my husband who truly suffers from motion sickness has converted me to a prophylactic Bonine user before I get on any kind of mass transport or long passenger ride now. It certainly has not hurt the last few flights I've taken when I used it too.
I also have to have the biggest bottle of water I can buy in the airport. Because...it's basically a comfort item, but being thirsty and being able to fix that problem myself is psychologically important. Same with a snack, even if I don't eat it.
I find with all those bases covered (because "fear of pain/discomfort" is probably my primary anxiety trigger) that I am able to be far more philosophical about all the other shit I cannot control, both the scary ones and the infuriating ones, and I can happily disappear into my book, magazine, or audiobook (increasingly this is my preference but you can't use it during takeoff and landing so you get to treat yourself to a magazine you otherwise would never read, that's the rules, because I love the skymall catalog but sometimes it's missing or I've already seen it).
Like you, I manage my anxiety around the process by trying to plan very thoroughly, but you have to be careful that you don't plan yourself into a state that any deviation from the plan is a tragedy. Part of my philosophy around the entire airport property is that this is a sort of alternate universe with its own rules and logic and I'm only a visitor there. I'm going to gather up all my necessary information and have it at hand but otherwise submit to the alternate universe: go where it tells me to go, wait where I have to wait, listen to instructions. It's an interesting land with customs and physics of its own and I'll just have to do my best. Give yourself plenty of time so that everything you do can be done slowly and carefully. The whole place is actually architected to funnel you to the places you need to be, and the system mostly works, but it works much better if you don't fight it because it's not like you're going to win and make the plane come get you somewhere other than where the plane is.
And good news: once you've done it once, a lot of the mystery will be removed for you. Like, it's hard to explain the energy of an airport to someone who's never experienced it, but once you have you pretty much know the tenor of every airport that isn't in some kind of exceptional circumstances (like political or cultural upheaval). And Airportspace is weirdly similar whether you're in Fargo or LAX, they're all constructed and workflowed in nearly the same ways by almost all the same vendors, you just have to walk farther in the bigger ones. Try to think of your first flight as ripping the band-aid off, a thing you need to get through once and you'll be educated once it's over so it will never be so much of a black box again.
I still have some anxiety in the days before I fly, in part because I'm not a good packer and I always feel disorganized in that way, and I also hate upheaval in my life, but I plan my getting to/parking situation well in advance to be as easy as possible (for me this means off-site parking and a shuttle to my terminal) and once my car is parked and I am on the shuttle I just become a cog in the machine, and I remain a cog until I am spit out the other end at the rental car desk or hotel or picked up by someone. There's very few problems that can happen inside an airport or an airplane that do not have an already-engineered solution, you are pretty much never going to be called on to provide those solutions unless maybe you are a physician, all you have to do is put your physical being in the places necessary and you will very likely get where you were going eventually. It's almost a form of meditation.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:38 AM on September 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
Hi Herr Vortex, like you I have had anxiety and to my frustration, for a long time my anxiety monster got it's claws into flying (I love to travel so being afraid of being on planes was super irksome!) It got better so hopefully what helped for me will help for you too. First, I think your steps are fabulous and should help a lot. One thing I did and still do, is go to the airport early and hang out, treating myself to a fancy coffee or snack and window shopping at the overpriced travel gadgets in the concourse stores.
Another thing was I identified that what scared me most was the takeoff. So I allowed myself to quietly be nervous for the first 90 seconds after wheels up. After that, things were likely going to be ok. After a few times, after a minute and a half I was fine.
Last, I talked to a pilot friend who is an amazingly smart and competent person. They told me about all the training they do and then most of all they told me that neither they nor any crew member they knew would get on an airplane that they thought might be unsafe or in conditions they thought were dodgy. Then bluntly "I love my job but the last thing I want to do is die at *work*" and you know, that helped a lot to think about the well trained people in charge of that plane really wanted to get home safe and sound.
Good luck to you. I'm also on memail if you want to vent/share experiences.
posted by pointystick at 10:53 AM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Another thing was I identified that what scared me most was the takeoff. So I allowed myself to quietly be nervous for the first 90 seconds after wheels up. After that, things were likely going to be ok. After a few times, after a minute and a half I was fine.
Last, I talked to a pilot friend who is an amazingly smart and competent person. They told me about all the training they do and then most of all they told me that neither they nor any crew member they knew would get on an airplane that they thought might be unsafe or in conditions they thought were dodgy. Then bluntly "I love my job but the last thing I want to do is die at *work*" and you know, that helped a lot to think about the well trained people in charge of that plane really wanted to get home safe and sound.
Good luck to you. I'm also on memail if you want to vent/share experiences.
posted by pointystick at 10:53 AM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Noise-cancelling headphones.
They're always recommended in Asks about flight anxiety, but it's for a reason: They go a long way to cut down on the overwhelming stimulation of flying. They create a kind of sensory cocoon and when I wear them, flying becomes less stressful, less mentally and physically exhausting, less dreadful in general. I kind of melt down sometimes in situations with too much stimulation (airports, airplanes, IKEA, busy stores, crowded places). I used to travel a ton for work and this single purchase made travel much easier for me.
1: You can't hear the loud hum of the engine, so you feel more like you're just sitting in a normal space. (The hum of the engine for hours is what makes me most anxious.)
2: You can hear your music or movie just like you're sitting in a normal space.
3: You can just leave them on without movie or music, and you feel nicely cocooned.
4: You can even wear them in the airport! I get through TSA then sit down and on they go. It makes me feel like I'm watching the terminal from a distance.
Of course, they don't totally cancel noise altogether. You can still hear voices etc. going on around you, so you can hear what the attendants are saying etc.
I have a set of the Bose Quiet Comfort ones, and I had to try them on to make sure I wasn't getting weird ear pressure from them. But I love them. I don't fly much anymore, but I wear mine during medical treatments, which sometimes make me feel anxious or panicky because I can't move during. They help a lot.
posted by mochapickle at 10:57 AM on September 4, 2018 [5 favorites]
They're always recommended in Asks about flight anxiety, but it's for a reason: They go a long way to cut down on the overwhelming stimulation of flying. They create a kind of sensory cocoon and when I wear them, flying becomes less stressful, less mentally and physically exhausting, less dreadful in general. I kind of melt down sometimes in situations with too much stimulation (airports, airplanes, IKEA, busy stores, crowded places). I used to travel a ton for work and this single purchase made travel much easier for me.
1: You can't hear the loud hum of the engine, so you feel more like you're just sitting in a normal space. (The hum of the engine for hours is what makes me most anxious.)
2: You can hear your music or movie just like you're sitting in a normal space.
3: You can just leave them on without movie or music, and you feel nicely cocooned.
4: You can even wear them in the airport! I get through TSA then sit down and on they go. It makes me feel like I'm watching the terminal from a distance.
Of course, they don't totally cancel noise altogether. You can still hear voices etc. going on around you, so you can hear what the attendants are saying etc.
I have a set of the Bose Quiet Comfort ones, and I had to try them on to make sure I wasn't getting weird ear pressure from them. But I love them. I don't fly much anymore, but I wear mine during medical treatments, which sometimes make me feel anxious or panicky because I can't move during. They help a lot.
posted by mochapickle at 10:57 AM on September 4, 2018 [5 favorites]
Just chiming back in to say: You most likely can listen to music or audiobooks during takeoff and landing. I always do and nobody has ever said a word to me. I have done this on Southwest and Delta. They ask that your phone be in airplane mode, so just make sure you have everything saved locally. Even bluetooth headphones are OK in airplane mode, believe it or not.
posted by dbx at 10:59 AM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by dbx at 10:59 AM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've been sick on a plane due to pregnancy and it's actually not the worst thing ever. Bring gum and candies, a couple of small plastic bags that can be tied up, and a package of wipes -- being prepared is calming. I also turn the air above my head on high-blast (feels fresh and bracing) and bring a sweater so I can adjust my personal temperature. I like to look straight ahead and tune out all stimuli, so I instruct my spouse not to take it personally, but we're not going to chat, and he's to order all of my drinks/snacks for me. Like someone above, I also take preventative Dramamine (non-drowsy unless it's a red-eye) and ibuprofen because it seems to help my equilibrium. I use the bathroom before I get on the plane.
posted by xo at 11:05 AM on September 4, 2018
posted by xo at 11:05 AM on September 4, 2018
I had a pretty similar fear (specifically, the not being in control part), but now I absolutely love flying, and I do it as often as possible. I too had to start flying for work, and the first time I flew, I was literally so jumpy that I hurdled a row of chairs in the departure lounge. About halfway through the second leg of that first trip, I was looking out the window at whatever little stretch of Delaware or New Jersey was below me, thinking about everything I couldn't control, and wishing I could have more input on things that affect my life. And then suddenly, I had this really simple thought: If something bad happened and I did have control of the situation, if I were in the cockpit with the pilots, what would I do?
Circumstances throughout my life have made me a bit of a control freak, especially with regard to transportation. I didn't enroll in driver's ed right when I turned 16, but a few weeks later my dad didn't want to drive me somewhere, and so I immediately signed up for driver's ed the next day so that I could have control. I'm the oldest kid in my family, so I drove my siblings around. I was one of the first of my HS friends to get my license, so I drove everywhere then. I was one of the only people in college who had a car, so I did a lot of driving then. Even now, my wife spent most of our relationship working on a college campus with limited parking, so I have driven for most of our relationship. I'm used to being the guy who gets everyone where they're going.
But I realized on that flight that I would not be able to get anyone where they were going in an airplane. I don't know the first thing about piloting a plane. I also realized that there are several highly-trained professionals on board who CAN. I realized that my desire for control has always been because I have rarely been in a situation where I'm not the most qualified person. There haven't been many times in life where I've had to defer to someone else's qualifications. When you find such a situation, the best thing to do is to sit back and let the more qualified people do their thing. It's pretty obvious, if you step back and think about it: Would you tell a Formula One driver that you'd prefer to drive a car so that you can control the situation? Of course not; the F1 driver is objectively better at driving than you are.
Your desire for control may have different origins, but that's what worked for me.
A couple of other things to help you feel better:
-Everyone always says this, but it really is worth thinking about. Flying is objectively the safest mode of travel. You are much less likely to experience an adverse outcome while flying than driving. Even if something does happen (like one engine failing), you may not ever even notice, because the crew can still fly the plane safely.
-My mom reminded me that flying is an adventure. Even fifty years ago, flying was a special privilege, and only the most fortunate people could fly on a regular basis. Keep those midcentury jet-setters in mind as you fly, not the stressed-out business travelers of "Up in the Air". You're a cool Don Draper!
-As much as possible, try to book your flights that generally don't fill up so that you can have more space. If you've ever flown with a row to yourself, it's actually pretty cool! Sometimes that'll mean flying at odd hours, or having layovers instead of flying direct, but it's worth it to be able to spread out. Similarly, if you can get exit row or bulkhead seats, you'll feel a lot more in control of the space around you. Flying on smaller planes might seem counterintuitive, but regional jets like the Embraer ER-170 have a configuration where there's only one seat on the left side (facing the cockpit) of the aisle, so you can sit by yourself. Even if you sit on the other side, there are only two seats to the row, meaning that every seat on the plane is either a window or an aisle seat, and 1/3 are both.
-Control your environmental stimulation as much as possible. Bring an eye mask and either earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones. And of course, take water and something to read with you.
-The fear of new locations is really only for the first flight. Once you've flown more than once or twice, you become an expert. Airports and airplanes all have the same patterns, and recognizing those patterns is actually calming. It doesn't take much time at all to get over the hump of feeling comfortable.
-The airport itself shouldn't be too hard to acclimate to. It's just a busy public space, no different than train stations, malls, or big city downtowns. There's security theatre, but it's not that much different than what you have to go through to get into a major sporting event these days. Don't think of the airport as a new type of place; think of it as a variant of a place you already know and can do well in.
-Most importantly, don't worry about other people at all. Specifically, NEVER assume anyone else knows what they're doing, especially when it comes to air travel. Anyone who has ever spent time in an airport can tell you what a lie this is. In fact, I'd speculate that the reason so many people hate airports is because there are so many people who have no clue whatsoever how to be in that situation - people who stop walking, change direction, run into you, etc. One time, I was behind a guy at TSA who tried to go through the metal detector with at least five watches on his arm, even though the TSA agents had been yelling for the fifteen minutes we'd been in line that all watches, belts, etc. had to go in a tray. Another time, I was in the Atlanta airport (the busiest in the US) and a dude in his 40s knocked some people over because he was trying to do a spin on his Heelys. If you ever worry that you're "looking weird", just remember that a) Heelys exist, b) at least one dude in his 40s still wears them, c) at an airport. You will have to do quite a bit to look that weird. Most likely, you're just going to look like yourself, only a little more stressed than usual. And everyone else will be stressed out, too (because they're trying to avoid the middle-aged guy on Heelys!), so they won't even notice you.
You'll be fine! You might even start to enjoy it! Good luck!
posted by kevinbelt at 11:06 AM on September 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Circumstances throughout my life have made me a bit of a control freak, especially with regard to transportation. I didn't enroll in driver's ed right when I turned 16, but a few weeks later my dad didn't want to drive me somewhere, and so I immediately signed up for driver's ed the next day so that I could have control. I'm the oldest kid in my family, so I drove my siblings around. I was one of the first of my HS friends to get my license, so I drove everywhere then. I was one of the only people in college who had a car, so I did a lot of driving then. Even now, my wife spent most of our relationship working on a college campus with limited parking, so I have driven for most of our relationship. I'm used to being the guy who gets everyone where they're going.
But I realized on that flight that I would not be able to get anyone where they were going in an airplane. I don't know the first thing about piloting a plane. I also realized that there are several highly-trained professionals on board who CAN. I realized that my desire for control has always been because I have rarely been in a situation where I'm not the most qualified person. There haven't been many times in life where I've had to defer to someone else's qualifications. When you find such a situation, the best thing to do is to sit back and let the more qualified people do their thing. It's pretty obvious, if you step back and think about it: Would you tell a Formula One driver that you'd prefer to drive a car so that you can control the situation? Of course not; the F1 driver is objectively better at driving than you are.
Your desire for control may have different origins, but that's what worked for me.
A couple of other things to help you feel better:
-Everyone always says this, but it really is worth thinking about. Flying is objectively the safest mode of travel. You are much less likely to experience an adverse outcome while flying than driving. Even if something does happen (like one engine failing), you may not ever even notice, because the crew can still fly the plane safely.
-My mom reminded me that flying is an adventure. Even fifty years ago, flying was a special privilege, and only the most fortunate people could fly on a regular basis. Keep those midcentury jet-setters in mind as you fly, not the stressed-out business travelers of "Up in the Air". You're a cool Don Draper!
-As much as possible, try to book your flights that generally don't fill up so that you can have more space. If you've ever flown with a row to yourself, it's actually pretty cool! Sometimes that'll mean flying at odd hours, or having layovers instead of flying direct, but it's worth it to be able to spread out. Similarly, if you can get exit row or bulkhead seats, you'll feel a lot more in control of the space around you. Flying on smaller planes might seem counterintuitive, but regional jets like the Embraer ER-170 have a configuration where there's only one seat on the left side (facing the cockpit) of the aisle, so you can sit by yourself. Even if you sit on the other side, there are only two seats to the row, meaning that every seat on the plane is either a window or an aisle seat, and 1/3 are both.
-Control your environmental stimulation as much as possible. Bring an eye mask and either earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones. And of course, take water and something to read with you.
-The fear of new locations is really only for the first flight. Once you've flown more than once or twice, you become an expert. Airports and airplanes all have the same patterns, and recognizing those patterns is actually calming. It doesn't take much time at all to get over the hump of feeling comfortable.
-The airport itself shouldn't be too hard to acclimate to. It's just a busy public space, no different than train stations, malls, or big city downtowns. There's security theatre, but it's not that much different than what you have to go through to get into a major sporting event these days. Don't think of the airport as a new type of place; think of it as a variant of a place you already know and can do well in.
-Most importantly, don't worry about other people at all. Specifically, NEVER assume anyone else knows what they're doing, especially when it comes to air travel. Anyone who has ever spent time in an airport can tell you what a lie this is. In fact, I'd speculate that the reason so many people hate airports is because there are so many people who have no clue whatsoever how to be in that situation - people who stop walking, change direction, run into you, etc. One time, I was behind a guy at TSA who tried to go through the metal detector with at least five watches on his arm, even though the TSA agents had been yelling for the fifteen minutes we'd been in line that all watches, belts, etc. had to go in a tray. Another time, I was in the Atlanta airport (the busiest in the US) and a dude in his 40s knocked some people over because he was trying to do a spin on his Heelys. If you ever worry that you're "looking weird", just remember that a) Heelys exist, b) at least one dude in his 40s still wears them, c) at an airport. You will have to do quite a bit to look that weird. Most likely, you're just going to look like yourself, only a little more stressed than usual. And everyone else will be stressed out, too (because they're trying to avoid the middle-aged guy on Heelys!), so they won't even notice you.
You'll be fine! You might even start to enjoy it! Good luck!
posted by kevinbelt at 11:06 AM on September 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Having come from a family that never traveled by plane for vacation with one exception when I was three years old, I can relate. I had a nearly twenty year gap between my first commercial flight at age 3 and my next one after college! Since then, I've traveled by plane roughly once or twice per year.
Find some dumb thing you can do with your hands that distracts you. Get used to doing it when you're bored, whether it's rotating a pen in your hands or counting loose change. If you start to feel anxious, it gives you something calming to do.
Find a song that has some positive energy. If you're a runner or do a regular physical activity, start with it when you go for a run. If not, put it on when you're about to do something in the car where your attention is locked in, like accelerating on an on-ramp to the highway. That's your take-off song, and you can listen to it when you take off on the plane. You want the idea to be uplifting, both figuratively and literally. I have a couple of go-to songs.
If you're not used to the quick change in altitude, chewing gum can help. I personally prefer ginger chews because you get the stomach calming effect of the ginger as an added bonus.
If you're usually the driver in the car and don't live somewhere with public transportation, spend some time as a passenger. While some of the experiences are different, thinking of a commercial airline as a bus in the sky isn't as far off as you'd think.
If you're taking a 90 minute flight to somewhere nearby, recognize that the plane you may be on (especially if your local airport isn't large or a hub) may be smaller and noisier than a larger plane you'd be on for a longer trip. My first early 20s flights were unfortunately two separate routes with small jets and while the experience was fine, larger planes are a much smoother experience when it comes to takeoff/landing and possible turbulence.
If you can pack light on your trip or can check a bag instead of rushing on to the plane to find overhead space, go for it. Buy a ticket with a reserved seat, and take your time boarding the plane. The worst part for me isn't the actual flight, but the time when everyone's getting situated on the plane. It's not worth getting in there just to sit around for twenty minutes as people are screwing around trying to find a spot to stash their bags.
posted by mikeh at 11:14 AM on September 4, 2018
Find some dumb thing you can do with your hands that distracts you. Get used to doing it when you're bored, whether it's rotating a pen in your hands or counting loose change. If you start to feel anxious, it gives you something calming to do.
Find a song that has some positive energy. If you're a runner or do a regular physical activity, start with it when you go for a run. If not, put it on when you're about to do something in the car where your attention is locked in, like accelerating on an on-ramp to the highway. That's your take-off song, and you can listen to it when you take off on the plane. You want the idea to be uplifting, both figuratively and literally. I have a couple of go-to songs.
If you're not used to the quick change in altitude, chewing gum can help. I personally prefer ginger chews because you get the stomach calming effect of the ginger as an added bonus.
If you're usually the driver in the car and don't live somewhere with public transportation, spend some time as a passenger. While some of the experiences are different, thinking of a commercial airline as a bus in the sky isn't as far off as you'd think.
If you're taking a 90 minute flight to somewhere nearby, recognize that the plane you may be on (especially if your local airport isn't large or a hub) may be smaller and noisier than a larger plane you'd be on for a longer trip. My first early 20s flights were unfortunately two separate routes with small jets and while the experience was fine, larger planes are a much smoother experience when it comes to takeoff/landing and possible turbulence.
If you can pack light on your trip or can check a bag instead of rushing on to the plane to find overhead space, go for it. Buy a ticket with a reserved seat, and take your time boarding the plane. The worst part for me isn't the actual flight, but the time when everyone's getting situated on the plane. It's not worth getting in there just to sit around for twenty minutes as people are screwing around trying to find a spot to stash their bags.
posted by mikeh at 11:14 AM on September 4, 2018
You'd have to evaluate if this seems like a sensible option for your situation, but would paying for an introductory flight in a small plane be helpful? Far fewer people to deal with, lack of lengthy TSA/security lines, and a shorter flight time to get the primary 'in the air' experience under your belt, but it will be noisy.
For flights sold as introductory lessons, rather than as sightseeing-type excursions: if you did not want to take the controls under the instructor's direction, but explained that you were booking to de-sensitize yourself, perhaps you could wear noise-cancelling headphones. You'd also want to be in a four-seater plane, so Elly Vortex could accompany you. But if you enjoy driving, having the experience of flying a plane -- even for a brief time -- might be useful. Anxiety is so often a control issue.
(If you try this idea, definitely wear the polarized/anti-glare sunglasses meant for pilots.)
(In addition to flight schools, your local small (private) airport may offer tours. Aviation museums often have small craft you can sit in.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:19 AM on September 4, 2018
For flights sold as introductory lessons, rather than as sightseeing-type excursions: if you did not want to take the controls under the instructor's direction, but explained that you were booking to de-sensitize yourself, perhaps you could wear noise-cancelling headphones. You'd also want to be in a four-seater plane, so Elly Vortex could accompany you. But if you enjoy driving, having the experience of flying a plane -- even for a brief time -- might be useful. Anxiety is so often a control issue.
(If you try this idea, definitely wear the polarized/anti-glare sunglasses meant for pilots.)
(In addition to flight schools, your local small (private) airport may offer tours. Aviation museums often have small craft you can sit in.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:19 AM on September 4, 2018
Your preparations beforehand and the above suggestions are really excellent- I think the noise cancelling headphones, presence of a supportive partner, and distractions are particularly good. For myself, takeoff and landing have a physical effect that triggers anxiety, as a commenter noted above. For takeoff, I make sure that I'm engrossed in a good book (your personal distraction may vary) so that my brain is distracted from focusing on the physical sensations and accompanying anxiety. Ditto on landing, although I often look out the window to see our progress towards the ground. In the airport if you have another flight, grab food and drink. Also, a good friend taught me to always bring a spare pair of underwear to change into in the airport; flying (especially with anxiety) can make one feel like a grungy mess and putting on clean underwear is almost like a brain reset that makes me feel MUCH better after getting off the plane! My colleagues and I all do this now.
posted by DTMFA at 11:24 AM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by DTMFA at 11:24 AM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Your idea for a practice flight is great! Also I would not hesitate to ask your wife or friends to talk you in excruciating detail through what your local airport is like. Depending on where your "money to throw at this vs. how much you want to practice" line is, you could even buy a cheap fare somewhere and not even use it, just use the ticket as a way to practice getting through security and checking out the terminals. (All of that said, the TSA is so extremely opaque these days that who even knows what they'd decide is suspicious behavior, so if I were to do this it's probably a thing I'd do only once. You don't want to end up on anyone's list of Weird People Who Frequently Show Up And Check Out The Airport For No Apparent Reason.)
Again at the extreme end of throwing money/time at this, there are therapists who will work with you on fear of flying, to the point of taking practice flights with you. I don't know if there are any in your area, but that could be an option.
Other much more low-key things that help me out personally include:
- Getting to airport plenty early so I have time to find my gate, sit down and rest for a while, have a snack or use the bathroom, take some deep breaths, listen to a calming playlist, or whatever else I need to feel in control of my situation and not rushed.
- Using some of that advance time to make some aspect of my journey a treat. I buy myself a kind of junky/silly magazine and some candy, or something else that I enjoy and otherwise don't usually have. (For me specifically this particularly revolves around jellybeans; if there's a place in that airport where I can go and do a pick-your-own assortment of jellybeans, I absolutely do that, and then I have only my favorite flavors of jellybeans, and it's an Airport Treat that I've come to anticipate.
- Bring good earplugs; the less incidental noise I hear on the plane, the happier I am about it.
- Ideally, I like an aisle seat so I don't feel boxed in, but if I do have to take a windowseat or if the person in the windowseat is with me, having control over the windowshade is useful. I like it up; if the flight gets a bit bumpy and I'm feeling nervous, looking and being able to see that we're going through clouds right now and that explains the bumpiness is really helpful for my brainweasels.
- Dress for as little trouble during security as possible; shoes that slip off easily, no belts or jewelry, no jacket, no extra liquids or snacks or other stuff that I would have to take out and put in a bin.
- For me, boarding as early as possible is helpful. I can get situated, get my earplugs in, try to get engrossed in a book, do my breathing, etc. YMMV, but if that sound useful to you, don't hesitate to pay a bit extra to bump yourself up in the boarding process if that's an option.
- Takeoff and landing are the most anxiety-provoking parts of flying for me, and the best way I've found to deal with that is meditation. Not just any meditation, specifically a body scan, which is a sort of meditation with a prescribed focus and set of steps so that there's more or less non-stop narration and things that you are actively doing and thinking about. "Sit still and observe your thoughts" would be awful for me during a flight, but "think very specifically about this, then this, then this...." is great, it occupies my mind and distracts me so I can't think about whatever else my brain is trying to spin up about.
posted by Stacey at 11:49 AM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Again at the extreme end of throwing money/time at this, there are therapists who will work with you on fear of flying, to the point of taking practice flights with you. I don't know if there are any in your area, but that could be an option.
Other much more low-key things that help me out personally include:
- Getting to airport plenty early so I have time to find my gate, sit down and rest for a while, have a snack or use the bathroom, take some deep breaths, listen to a calming playlist, or whatever else I need to feel in control of my situation and not rushed.
- Using some of that advance time to make some aspect of my journey a treat. I buy myself a kind of junky/silly magazine and some candy, or something else that I enjoy and otherwise don't usually have. (For me specifically this particularly revolves around jellybeans; if there's a place in that airport where I can go and do a pick-your-own assortment of jellybeans, I absolutely do that, and then I have only my favorite flavors of jellybeans, and it's an Airport Treat that I've come to anticipate.
- Bring good earplugs; the less incidental noise I hear on the plane, the happier I am about it.
- Ideally, I like an aisle seat so I don't feel boxed in, but if I do have to take a windowseat or if the person in the windowseat is with me, having control over the windowshade is useful. I like it up; if the flight gets a bit bumpy and I'm feeling nervous, looking and being able to see that we're going through clouds right now and that explains the bumpiness is really helpful for my brainweasels.
- Dress for as little trouble during security as possible; shoes that slip off easily, no belts or jewelry, no jacket, no extra liquids or snacks or other stuff that I would have to take out and put in a bin.
- For me, boarding as early as possible is helpful. I can get situated, get my earplugs in, try to get engrossed in a book, do my breathing, etc. YMMV, but if that sound useful to you, don't hesitate to pay a bit extra to bump yourself up in the boarding process if that's an option.
- Takeoff and landing are the most anxiety-provoking parts of flying for me, and the best way I've found to deal with that is meditation. Not just any meditation, specifically a body scan, which is a sort of meditation with a prescribed focus and set of steps so that there's more or less non-stop narration and things that you are actively doing and thinking about. "Sit still and observe your thoughts" would be awful for me during a flight, but "think very specifically about this, then this, then this...." is great, it occupies my mind and distracts me so I can't think about whatever else my brain is trying to spin up about.
posted by Stacey at 11:49 AM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
First of all let me say Noise Cancelling Headphones because yes, Noise Cancelling Headphones. They are by a factor of ten the most important thing for reducing the stress of being on an airplane.
Second, let me share a big stupid mistake I made while getting over my flight anxiety. I am claustrophobic and the idea of being crammed into a little tube with lots of people freaked me out. So, window seat. I get a nice view and can pretend I'm outside.
Only it turns out that the window seat is horrible for claustrophobia, because claustrophobia is about what's right there and not what's outside the window. You end up crammed up against a sharply curving bulkhead with two people between you and the aisle.
After I realized that I wouldn't take a flight at all without an aisle seat. I've gotten to the point where I will make the hop from LA to SF, or SF to Seattle without requiring an aisle seat, but it won't be for lack of trying.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:32 PM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Second, let me share a big stupid mistake I made while getting over my flight anxiety. I am claustrophobic and the idea of being crammed into a little tube with lots of people freaked me out. So, window seat. I get a nice view and can pretend I'm outside.
Only it turns out that the window seat is horrible for claustrophobia, because claustrophobia is about what's right there and not what's outside the window. You end up crammed up against a sharply curving bulkhead with two people between you and the aisle.
After I realized that I wouldn't take a flight at all without an aisle seat. I've gotten to the point where I will make the hop from LA to SF, or SF to Seattle without requiring an aisle seat, but it won't be for lack of trying.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:32 PM on September 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
By the way, I'm not even remotely suggesting this is a *good* thing, but there's a reason all airports have bars and all airport bars do good business. You need to solve this your way, but you should realize that you aren't even close to alone in your situation.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:40 PM on September 4, 2018
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:40 PM on September 4, 2018
I fly a lot, and I am a nervous flier, specifically regarding turbulence. This has come and gone over the years. It's worse when I am prone to overstimulation from being amped up on caffeine or just life in general (this sounds like a common theme in the comments here). Couple things not already mentioned -
If the turbulence is bad, I look at the flight attendants. Are they nervous? No? Then neither should I be. I try to meditate on their calmness.
I know you said no medication, but CBD is my new secret weapon. I see you are in Minneapolis - it is quasi legal here, and I have seen it in the checkout aisles at the local coop, so it's around (normally I just buy it when I'm in California for work, where it's fully legal and available in many different forms). It's 100% something you would need to try a few times before getting on a plane, though, to make sure it's helpful for one and to understand how it feels to take it. I got pretty spooked by a flight through a thunderstorm a year ago, and the calmness engendered by the CBD has helped rewire my brain over the past six months or so to be more confident with flying.
posted by MillMan at 1:16 PM on September 4, 2018
If the turbulence is bad, I look at the flight attendants. Are they nervous? No? Then neither should I be. I try to meditate on their calmness.
I know you said no medication, but CBD is my new secret weapon. I see you are in Minneapolis - it is quasi legal here, and I have seen it in the checkout aisles at the local coop, so it's around (normally I just buy it when I'm in California for work, where it's fully legal and available in many different forms). It's 100% something you would need to try a few times before getting on a plane, though, to make sure it's helpful for one and to understand how it feels to take it. I got pretty spooked by a flight through a thunderstorm a year ago, and the calmness engendered by the CBD has helped rewire my brain over the past six months or so to be more confident with flying.
posted by MillMan at 1:16 PM on September 4, 2018
Comfortable over-ear active-noise-cancelling headphones so you can control your sound input -- if there's seat-back entertainment or in-flight wifi/streaming options, you can watch TV or a movie or Netflix or whatever, or you could listen to predownloaded podcasts or your favorite music on your phone or other digital device... or you could just enjoy relative silence. On long flights I have enjoyed "binaural beats" apps quite a bit, set to relaxation modes.
Comfy eye mask. If you need to escape into a dark cocoon, these along with the noise-cancelling headphones will most definitely help (together, these were a godsend on a transatlantic flight for me).
Layered clothing so you can add or remove layers as you wish for maximum comfort.
A plain, comfortable shawl that you can drape over your head or body as you feel like it, or that you can fold up into a cushion for your head, or wad up to hide your hands inside it to fiddle with the fabric, etc.
A window seat so you have one entire side of your body to yourself, and you can control whether or not the window shade is open or closed.
Comfort snacks and a large bottle of water in your bag -- do not rely on flight attendants to bring you snacks or drinks, be in control of your ability to have things when you want them. If you enjoy chewing gum, bring gum and start chewing it before take-off. It will help with any ear-popping issues and also will give you something natural and easy to do with your mouth besides clenching your teeth.
If you are the type who can get lost in books or magazines, bring them and start reading the minute you get settled.
posted by erst at 4:30 PM on September 4, 2018
Comfy eye mask. If you need to escape into a dark cocoon, these along with the noise-cancelling headphones will most definitely help (together, these were a godsend on a transatlantic flight for me).
Layered clothing so you can add or remove layers as you wish for maximum comfort.
A plain, comfortable shawl that you can drape over your head or body as you feel like it, or that you can fold up into a cushion for your head, or wad up to hide your hands inside it to fiddle with the fabric, etc.
A window seat so you have one entire side of your body to yourself, and you can control whether or not the window shade is open or closed.
Comfort snacks and a large bottle of water in your bag -- do not rely on flight attendants to bring you snacks or drinks, be in control of your ability to have things when you want them. If you enjoy chewing gum, bring gum and start chewing it before take-off. It will help with any ear-popping issues and also will give you something natural and easy to do with your mouth besides clenching your teeth.
If you are the type who can get lost in books or magazines, bring them and start reading the minute you get settled.
posted by erst at 4:30 PM on September 4, 2018
Can you throw money at the problem? I highly recommend this online course which includes guided versions of a lot of what you're talking about plus videos explaining exactly what's going on at any part of the flight so the noises, movements, and actions the plane and the plane's staff take don't trigger any anxiety, as well as a a couple of psychological exercises you can practice that short-circuit the anxiety hormones flooding your system and to get your subconscious to associate things about airports and planes with comforting things, not anxiety-causing things. There's even a level that includes phone calls with the person who runs it, who is a former pilot and professional counselor. You don't have to do it by yourself.
I don't get a kickback for recommending it, instead I am a very happy customer.
In addition to that, I have noise-cancelling headphones, podcasts, TV shows and movies loaded on my various devices, slippers I carry so I can take my shoes off but don't have to walk on the grody bathroom floors in my socks or bare feet, a cooling towel I can wet and wrap around myself if I get overheated, and a wrap I can wrap around myself if I get cold. I sit on the aisle because I get jumpy if I feel I can't get up and go to the bathroom.
Also helpful: a water bottle partially filled with water after Security, not for drinking, but to place on my tray table or seat arm when there's turbulence. You are moving WAY, WAY less with turbulence than you think* and seeing how the water in the bottle moving with the plane shows you exactly how little that is.
* Don't listen to people who say "We dropped a hundred feet!" They didn't. They dropped maybe a couple of feet.
I have also started throwing money at seat upgrades (we run all our purchases through a credit card that offers cash back and use that to pay for upgrades). A larger seat in a slightly more secluded area of the plane feels much better.
posted by telophase at 6:48 PM on September 4, 2018
I don't get a kickback for recommending it, instead I am a very happy customer.
In addition to that, I have noise-cancelling headphones, podcasts, TV shows and movies loaded on my various devices, slippers I carry so I can take my shoes off but don't have to walk on the grody bathroom floors in my socks or bare feet, a cooling towel I can wet and wrap around myself if I get overheated, and a wrap I can wrap around myself if I get cold. I sit on the aisle because I get jumpy if I feel I can't get up and go to the bathroom.
Also helpful: a water bottle partially filled with water after Security, not for drinking, but to place on my tray table or seat arm when there's turbulence. You are moving WAY, WAY less with turbulence than you think* and seeing how the water in the bottle moving with the plane shows you exactly how little that is.
* Don't listen to people who say "We dropped a hundred feet!" They didn't. They dropped maybe a couple of feet.
I have also started throwing money at seat upgrades (we run all our purchases through a credit card that offers cash back and use that to pay for upgrades). A larger seat in a slightly more secluded area of the plane feels much better.
posted by telophase at 6:48 PM on September 4, 2018
I wonder if watching some airplane nerds on YouTube would help. There’s a whole genre of “trip reports” up there, from private-suites-and-champagne to bargain-basement low-cost carriers. This guy, Paul, has dozens and dozens of videos up documenting some pretty cool experiences in the sky, plus some lovely first/business class journeys, and his British voice is quite calming; flying is a hobby for him!
Also - what many might see as mundane (say, learning how aircraft registrations can be Googled so you can learn the age/type/ownership history of the plane) might help you feel in control. I’d also recommend flying a route with wifi so you can Google things while they occur to you up there.
Good luck!
posted by mdonley at 5:38 AM on September 5, 2018
Also - what many might see as mundane (say, learning how aircraft registrations can be Googled so you can learn the age/type/ownership history of the plane) might help you feel in control. I’d also recommend flying a route with wifi so you can Google things while they occur to you up there.
Good luck!
posted by mdonley at 5:38 AM on September 5, 2018
You got a lot of good advice above, so I'll just add one thing. If you are able, would you consider flying first class? The roomier seats and less dense rows would make you feel more comfortable. And first class usually has extras like better snacks and entertainment options, more attentive flight staff, and more convenient restrooms.
Of course, it can be pricey, but I feel like the extra $ is worth it for me. Hubby and I fly first class when we can for a variety of reasons (including anxiety).
posted by jraz at 5:53 AM on September 5, 2018
Of course, it can be pricey, but I feel like the extra $ is worth it for me. Hubby and I fly first class when we can for a variety of reasons (including anxiety).
posted by jraz at 5:53 AM on September 5, 2018
Response by poster: This is Herr Vortex. Thank you all so much for your stories and advice. I really appreciate it! I am definitely going to acquire some noise canceling headphones; being able to retreat from what's going on around me will be important. It was also great to hear from so many people who have faced this fear and gotten through it... I knew intellectually of course that this was common, but it's nice to hear from actual people who have dealt with it.
I would absolutely go first class, but I'll be flying Southwest in order to use the less busy terminal at MSP (16 gates on a single 'hall' vs 127 gates on 7 different 'halls', and current security wait times are 5 minutes for the Southwest terminal vs 35 for the main terminal... this is a pretty consistent difference between the two from what I've read). I do plan to pay the extra $15 for priority boarding though so I can have more time to settle in, and have been reading up on best places to sit in the plane.
Shout out to witchen re: altoid use. I discovered that tic tacs are a great way to 'anesthetize' my nausea triggers a number of years ago and honestly feel that they have made a huge difference in managing my anxiety. I'll gladly trade a couple cavities for that ;)
Thanks again for all your tips and tricks- I will definitely be referencing this page as I prepare. Looking forward to going from 'guy who's too scared to fly' to 'guy who flies'!
posted by Elly Vortex at 8:35 AM on September 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
I would absolutely go first class, but I'll be flying Southwest in order to use the less busy terminal at MSP (16 gates on a single 'hall' vs 127 gates on 7 different 'halls', and current security wait times are 5 minutes for the Southwest terminal vs 35 for the main terminal... this is a pretty consistent difference between the two from what I've read). I do plan to pay the extra $15 for priority boarding though so I can have more time to settle in, and have been reading up on best places to sit in the plane.
Shout out to witchen re: altoid use. I discovered that tic tacs are a great way to 'anesthetize' my nausea triggers a number of years ago and honestly feel that they have made a huge difference in managing my anxiety. I'll gladly trade a couple cavities for that ;)
Thanks again for all your tips and tricks- I will definitely be referencing this page as I prepare. Looking forward to going from 'guy who's too scared to fly' to 'guy who flies'!
posted by Elly Vortex at 8:35 AM on September 5, 2018 [2 favorites]
One thing I haven't seen mentioned: I'd suggest bringing a portable cell phone battery, especially if you'll be using a mobile boarding pass. Knowing that I won't have to worry about my phone dying when I need it for directions/calling a cab/checking the weather/etc makes me feel a lot more secure when traveling.
One additional tip based on your follow-up: if it's in the budget, I'd actually suggest spending the $40 for upgraded boarding. The $15 upgrade just has the system check in for you at the time of the flight, but on flights I'm on anyway, many passengers also do that so I end up with a boarding position of something in the mid-B section (Southwest has A, B, and C, so mid-B is about the middle of the pack). If you pay for the $40 upgrade, you get placed within the first 15 positions (A1-A15), and in my experience I'm usually one of the first 5 people to board. I expect being able to get on the plane without worrying about finding an open seat of your preferred position would help you feel more in control as well. I think you can do that upgrade ahead of time, but if not I typically get the upgrade at the gate from a flight attendant.
posted by jouir at 12:32 PM on September 6, 2018
One additional tip based on your follow-up: if it's in the budget, I'd actually suggest spending the $40 for upgraded boarding. The $15 upgrade just has the system check in for you at the time of the flight, but on flights I'm on anyway, many passengers also do that so I end up with a boarding position of something in the mid-B section (Southwest has A, B, and C, so mid-B is about the middle of the pack). If you pay for the $40 upgrade, you get placed within the first 15 positions (A1-A15), and in my experience I'm usually one of the first 5 people to board. I expect being able to get on the plane without worrying about finding an open seat of your preferred position would help you feel more in control as well. I think you can do that upgrade ahead of time, but if not I typically get the upgrade at the gate from a flight attendant.
posted by jouir at 12:32 PM on September 6, 2018
Response by poster: Update from Herr Vortex:
I wanted to say thanks again for all your stories and advice and give a quick update: I got my wings*, and it wasn’t bad at all! I think the most important things for me turned out to be doing lots of prep and familiarization, and Dramamine. Due to the prep, I never felt surprised at any point in the process. I read a lot online about what flying was like (including here!), visited the airport beforehand, watched flight ops at the airport on a flight tracking site, scoped out the best seats for the plane online, etc. I think the Dramamine somehow broke the anxiety <> nausea <> anxiety feedback loop I’ve had my whole life (in addition to avoiding motion sickness obviously).
Narrative of the flight below if you’re interested. For fun, we took a multimodal trip: Bus to Light Rail to Airplane to Elevated Train to our destination, and then Walk, Boat (water taxi), Train (Empire Builder) and Uber home for eight modes!
I chose a flight that would be on a low travel day (Wednesday) and allowed plenty of time to arrive (11AM departure). I was fairly nervous when I got up (as expected). We’d packed appropriately to ease through security, and before we went through we made our shoes slip-on (untie and stuff laces inside) and I put my belt in my bag. Security was smooth- less than 5 minutes since we were flying out of the smaller terminal at MSP.
It was weird- once I got through security I just felt calm. I think it was because at that point I was ‘committed’… it was going to happen regardless, so there was less to worry about if that makes sense. The ‘airport vibe’ of the terminal was actually pretty soothing- kind of the bland comfort of a nice corporate hotel that doesn’t really demand anything from you. It wasn’t busy; we were there two hours before the flight and could just wander around. I took my all-day non-drowsy Dramamine and settled in.
We got to board pretty early, so I snagged one of the two seats in the exit area that doesn’t have a seat ahead- legroom! I’m 6'4" so that matters to me. The takeoff was a bit more dramatic than I anticipated (faster and more upward angle), but I actually enjoyed it. We had some weather, so the flight was kinda bumpy most of the way (Elly Vortex tells me this was around a 3-4 on a scale of 1-10 for bumpiness, with 1 being smooth). I actually enjoyed looking out the window. Things I didn’t enjoy- looking out (i.e. down at the ground) when we were banking in a turn (I stopped doing that after the first couple times); hearing how the tone of the engine changed as the plane sped up or changed angle (kind of sounded like a car engine revving when driving through drifted snow- I had never thought of air as having different thicknesses like that before); and a rather dramatic landing (came down fast, braked very hard- per Elly Vortex, maybe a 6-7 out of 10, with 1 being smooth). The engine noise was quite loud since we were right by them. I couldn’t bring myself to buy the Bose headphones ($$), but I can see how they would be useful.
Someone made the point about traveling in modes where you are not the driver as preparation for flying. Having ridden Amtrak and taking transit around town did more to prep me for flying than I would have realized. Honestly, riding the plane was like riding the bus- you’re not in control, you have to put up with other people, it’s kinda bumpy & not as comfortable as a car.** Being able to frame it that way and relate it to my prior experiences helped a lot. Also, having made a lot of progress in dealing with anxiety over the last 12 years, flying turned out to be anticlimactic. If I had tried this 10 years ago, I would have been a wreck. But it turns out that the skills I built up from conquering so many other triggers were transferable to conquering this one- flying just wasn’t the huge challenge I had built it up to be in my mind.
Overall, I will fly again. It was quick and efficient, and now that I’ve done it the mystery is gone. I had hoped that I would enjoy it (I’m a train nerd and researching flying opened the nerdy possibilities there to me), but I think it’s just something that will be tolerable and nothing more. I did feel a bit disloyal on the Amtrak ride back when I found myself thinking that we would have been home a few hours ago during the sixth hour of an eight hour train trip, so I guess I can now appreciate each mode for what it is- planes are fast but uncomfortable, and trains are comfortable and enjoyable as an experience themselves, but they’re slooow.
Thanks again for the advice. Now, if someone ever asks me about how to deal with fear of flying, I can help them just like you all helped me!
*I literally got my wings- when we landed Elly Vortex gave me a Boeing 737 wing pin 😊
**Side note- Being a transit user but never having flown, the experience made me wonder what percent of the complaints about flying are actually about flying, and how much are about using a transit mode you have to share with the public. Obviously security lines, lost luggage and turbulence are unique to flying, but a lot of the complaints about having to put up with your fellow humans, being cramped for space, delays, a bumpy ride, not being in control, etc... they're the same across the board. I'd bet that many (most?) complaining flyers seldom if ever travel anywhere except by car or plane. Either they don't live in a city, or else they avoid transit for other reasons (probably related to what makes flying unpleasant for them- lack of control & other people). Having grown up in a small town and now living in the big city, I can see a parallel to how many people in the hinterlands just fear the city at a gut level and how they would view having to deal with the lack of control & personal space on flying as uniquely due to flying, vs being due to simply being a public mode of shared transportation.
posted by Elly Vortex at 11:47 AM on October 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
I wanted to say thanks again for all your stories and advice and give a quick update: I got my wings*, and it wasn’t bad at all! I think the most important things for me turned out to be doing lots of prep and familiarization, and Dramamine. Due to the prep, I never felt surprised at any point in the process. I read a lot online about what flying was like (including here!), visited the airport beforehand, watched flight ops at the airport on a flight tracking site, scoped out the best seats for the plane online, etc. I think the Dramamine somehow broke the anxiety <> nausea <> anxiety feedback loop I’ve had my whole life (in addition to avoiding motion sickness obviously).
Narrative of the flight below if you’re interested. For fun, we took a multimodal trip: Bus to Light Rail to Airplane to Elevated Train to our destination, and then Walk, Boat (water taxi), Train (Empire Builder) and Uber home for eight modes!
I chose a flight that would be on a low travel day (Wednesday) and allowed plenty of time to arrive (11AM departure). I was fairly nervous when I got up (as expected). We’d packed appropriately to ease through security, and before we went through we made our shoes slip-on (untie and stuff laces inside) and I put my belt in my bag. Security was smooth- less than 5 minutes since we were flying out of the smaller terminal at MSP.
It was weird- once I got through security I just felt calm. I think it was because at that point I was ‘committed’… it was going to happen regardless, so there was less to worry about if that makes sense. The ‘airport vibe’ of the terminal was actually pretty soothing- kind of the bland comfort of a nice corporate hotel that doesn’t really demand anything from you. It wasn’t busy; we were there two hours before the flight and could just wander around. I took my all-day non-drowsy Dramamine and settled in.
We got to board pretty early, so I snagged one of the two seats in the exit area that doesn’t have a seat ahead- legroom! I’m 6'4" so that matters to me. The takeoff was a bit more dramatic than I anticipated (faster and more upward angle), but I actually enjoyed it. We had some weather, so the flight was kinda bumpy most of the way (Elly Vortex tells me this was around a 3-4 on a scale of 1-10 for bumpiness, with 1 being smooth). I actually enjoyed looking out the window. Things I didn’t enjoy- looking out (i.e. down at the ground) when we were banking in a turn (I stopped doing that after the first couple times); hearing how the tone of the engine changed as the plane sped up or changed angle (kind of sounded like a car engine revving when driving through drifted snow- I had never thought of air as having different thicknesses like that before); and a rather dramatic landing (came down fast, braked very hard- per Elly Vortex, maybe a 6-7 out of 10, with 1 being smooth). The engine noise was quite loud since we were right by them. I couldn’t bring myself to buy the Bose headphones ($$), but I can see how they would be useful.
Someone made the point about traveling in modes where you are not the driver as preparation for flying. Having ridden Amtrak and taking transit around town did more to prep me for flying than I would have realized. Honestly, riding the plane was like riding the bus- you’re not in control, you have to put up with other people, it’s kinda bumpy & not as comfortable as a car.** Being able to frame it that way and relate it to my prior experiences helped a lot. Also, having made a lot of progress in dealing with anxiety over the last 12 years, flying turned out to be anticlimactic. If I had tried this 10 years ago, I would have been a wreck. But it turns out that the skills I built up from conquering so many other triggers were transferable to conquering this one- flying just wasn’t the huge challenge I had built it up to be in my mind.
Overall, I will fly again. It was quick and efficient, and now that I’ve done it the mystery is gone. I had hoped that I would enjoy it (I’m a train nerd and researching flying opened the nerdy possibilities there to me), but I think it’s just something that will be tolerable and nothing more. I did feel a bit disloyal on the Amtrak ride back when I found myself thinking that we would have been home a few hours ago during the sixth hour of an eight hour train trip, so I guess I can now appreciate each mode for what it is- planes are fast but uncomfortable, and trains are comfortable and enjoyable as an experience themselves, but they’re slooow.
Thanks again for the advice. Now, if someone ever asks me about how to deal with fear of flying, I can help them just like you all helped me!
*I literally got my wings- when we landed Elly Vortex gave me a Boeing 737 wing pin 😊
**Side note- Being a transit user but never having flown, the experience made me wonder what percent of the complaints about flying are actually about flying, and how much are about using a transit mode you have to share with the public. Obviously security lines, lost luggage and turbulence are unique to flying, but a lot of the complaints about having to put up with your fellow humans, being cramped for space, delays, a bumpy ride, not being in control, etc... they're the same across the board. I'd bet that many (most?) complaining flyers seldom if ever travel anywhere except by car or plane. Either they don't live in a city, or else they avoid transit for other reasons (probably related to what makes flying unpleasant for them- lack of control & other people). Having grown up in a small town and now living in the big city, I can see a parallel to how many people in the hinterlands just fear the city at a gut level and how they would view having to deal with the lack of control & personal space on flying as uniquely due to flying, vs being due to simply being a public mode of shared transportation.
posted by Elly Vortex at 11:47 AM on October 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Update from Elly Vortex:
Thank you all! I can't tell you how much it means to no longer be tethered by car or train to the Midwest. 😊
posted by Elly Vortex at 11:48 AM on October 22, 2018
Thank you all! I can't tell you how much it means to no longer be tethered by car or train to the Midwest. 😊
posted by Elly Vortex at 11:48 AM on October 22, 2018
Southwest... Empire Builder... 11am Wednesday departure... bumpy landing... You flew into Midway, didn't you?. I, uh, would not have done that on my first flight. :) Midway's runways are really short compared the typical US runway, and they terminate in residential areas instead of open fields like most runways. Consequently, the pilot really doesn't have a choice but to put it down hard and slam on the brakes. It's kind of a tradition for people who fly into Midway often to have a chuckle at the expense first-timers who are surprised by the roughness. The good news is, almost any other flight you take (including into tiny regional airports) will end in a smoother landing than your first. If you can handle a Midway landing, you'll do fine.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:28 PM on October 22, 2018
posted by kevinbelt at 1:28 PM on October 22, 2018
« Older Help me find my forever shampoo/conditioner | Bright projector with a short throw and other... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Specific to flying, the thing that helps me the most is having a trusted partner there with me. So having a calm wife with you is already an excellent step. Hold her hand, especially on takeoff and landing.
Once airborne, my personal rule is to never ever look out a window. You will have to experiment to see what works best for you there; for some people being able to see the world outside can ease the claustrophobia; for me it's just the opposite. Be aware that exit rows, which are roomier, often have windows without shades, so I suggest resisting the temptation for more legroom if you're given the option.
I have developed some calming rituals over the years which are probably the single biggest thing that help me. I always buy a bag of candy and a bottle of water at the 'news stand' shop (same brand / type, even, if I can). I always work on crosswords during the flight, and I always listen to music during the flight. I always get orange juice when the attendants serve drinks. It may sound silly, but I find the predictability very calming. Note: I'm not compulsive in my daily life; this is purely for flying.
My experience is with shorter flights, mostly regional (< 2 hrs), fwiw.
Checking in at the security line can also be anxiety inducing. They are scrutinizing you, and may ask silly little questions just to gauge your state of mind. What helps me there is to keep in mind that I'm just one in a very large crowd, and I'm really not so unique among them, from the point of view of the TSA agent. I often get selected for extra screening; I assume this is because of visible anxiety symptoms. They usually wipe my palms and shoes with a tiny swiffer mop and make me stand there for 2 minutes before letting me go on my way. If you believe scrutiny in the security line may cause a panic attack, there is one tip that I can give: don't wear a belt, and don't wear pants that even have a thick waistline or built-in cinch or anything like that. The times I've been pulled aside for a pat-down it's been because of a specific pair of pants that I no longer fly in.
Happy to talk by memail too.
posted by dbx at 10:31 AM on September 4, 2018 [2 favorites]