How do I not let an upcoming, much feared plane flight ruin my life?
August 1, 2018 11:46 AM Subscribe
It drives me nuts that this fear is so prominent in my life that I've posted about it more than once and may again, but here we are. On the bright side, I've booked a flight. On the dim side, I'm going to spend two months flipping out about it. Help me not?
My fear of flying is now so old it could vote. I have at times figured I'd just never get on a plane again but (for a mess of reasons that inspire in me a range of reactions from grudging assent to fiery resentment) it seems like it's time to try. I've tried a half a dozen therapeutic interventions and have begun to acknowledge that none of them can bridge that gap of "yeah, but then you have to get on a plane." I'm either going to do it or I'm not.
I am already nervous about a flight in October. I have already had dreams about it. I do not want this to ruin my life. Last time I flew, I booked a flight with scant notice and it only ruined a few days. This time, no such luck.
Any hints? Extra points if you, too, are a fearful flyer. (I don't know what you can redeem those points for, exactly. )
[Possibly useful or possibly not useful specifics: the kernel of my fear seems to be inescapable situations. I am aware of the safety of flying and it does not help. I have tried: deep breathing, hypnosis, EMDR, benzodiazapines. The last time I almost got on a plane, I saw a weather report at the airport that describes thunderstorms "knifing through" the region I was flying to, and took Greyhound.]
My fear of flying is now so old it could vote. I have at times figured I'd just never get on a plane again but (for a mess of reasons that inspire in me a range of reactions from grudging assent to fiery resentment) it seems like it's time to try. I've tried a half a dozen therapeutic interventions and have begun to acknowledge that none of them can bridge that gap of "yeah, but then you have to get on a plane." I'm either going to do it or I'm not.
I am already nervous about a flight in October. I have already had dreams about it. I do not want this to ruin my life. Last time I flew, I booked a flight with scant notice and it only ruined a few days. This time, no such luck.
Any hints? Extra points if you, too, are a fearful flyer. (I don't know what you can redeem those points for, exactly. )
[Possibly useful or possibly not useful specifics: the kernel of my fear seems to be inescapable situations. I am aware of the safety of flying and it does not help. I have tried: deep breathing, hypnosis, EMDR, benzodiazapines. The last time I almost got on a plane, I saw a weather report at the airport that describes thunderstorms "knifing through" the region I was flying to, and took Greyhound.]
This may be completely out of the realm of reality, but is there any possibility that someone you know can take the flight with you?
posted by desuetude at 12:20 PM on August 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by desuetude at 12:20 PM on August 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Just as an FYI so that you don't feel like therapy itself doesn't help, the interventions you have been given (EMDR, hypnosis, etc) are not evidence-based ways to treat phobia and are not listed in official clinical practice guidelines for its treatment (benzos are part of practice guidelines as a short-term solution but will not address it in the long term). It is unsurprising that those things did not help. Short-term behavioral CBT (exposure therapy) has the most evidence for its effectiveness and is highly successful at fully resolving phobia.
In general, whenever there is a thing that causes irrational feelings of fear or that you want to avoid, one of the best ways to get that feeling to go away is to DO THE THING (or something as close to it as possible). When you stick in scary situations long enough, the feeling of fear goes away. You've narrowed down your fear to inescapable situations- it's awesome that you had that insight and double awesome that you booked the flight. Are there other inescapable situations that cause similar feelings that you can plan to regularly practice leading up to the flight? Or other things that bring up the kinds of feelings you have on flights?
posted by quiet coyote at 12:21 PM on August 1, 2018 [22 favorites]
In general, whenever there is a thing that causes irrational feelings of fear or that you want to avoid, one of the best ways to get that feeling to go away is to DO THE THING (or something as close to it as possible). When you stick in scary situations long enough, the feeling of fear goes away. You've narrowed down your fear to inescapable situations- it's awesome that you had that insight and double awesome that you booked the flight. Are there other inescapable situations that cause similar feelings that you can plan to regularly practice leading up to the flight? Or other things that bring up the kinds of feelings you have on flights?
posted by quiet coyote at 12:21 PM on August 1, 2018 [22 favorites]
Have your therapeutic interventions included a course with counseling? I took this one and it took my fear down from "I am going to throw up and must drug myself to sleep" to "This flight is boring." There's a level where you can get phone consultations with the therapist/pilot who runs it, and he's available for last-minute panicked calls from the airport.
posted by telophase at 12:22 PM on August 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by telophase at 12:22 PM on August 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
Have you tried cognitive behavior therapy (CBT)? If not, I think it’s worth a shot. I don’t have experience with using it to treat a phobia, but it helped me enormously in dealing with intense anxiety about future events.
posted by insectosaurus at 12:23 PM on August 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by insectosaurus at 12:23 PM on August 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Could you throw money at it? The experience of flying economy these days is dehumanizing - long waits for security, getting on the plane, disembarking, etc - all of which are segments to stew in stress. Maybe get a first class ticket, which might let you skip long security lines (depends on airline/airport), waltz in, relax and be a bit pampered to ease your mind. It really depends on your flight, though - fancier tickets for short flights aren't that different, but if it's international it's a world of difference.
posted by homesickness at 12:26 PM on August 1, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by homesickness at 12:26 PM on August 1, 2018 [14 favorites]
I have a very similar issue with "inescapable situations", and have struggled similarly with flying. I still don't love flying, but on the occasion I have to (or want to) travel, I deal pretty well these days by reminding myself of my agency in the situation.
I tell myself internally, "I chose this. I bought the ticket. I decided to take this trip. I can, if I need to, decide at the last minute not to get on the plane." Basically, while I remain aware of the inescapability of the plane while flying, and that's still unpleasant, it helps a lot to simultaneously remind myself that I am making a choice to be on the plane, and in that sense, it IS escapable in a meta sort of way.
posted by aecorwin at 12:26 PM on August 1, 2018 [9 favorites]
I tell myself internally, "I chose this. I bought the ticket. I decided to take this trip. I can, if I need to, decide at the last minute not to get on the plane." Basically, while I remain aware of the inescapability of the plane while flying, and that's still unpleasant, it helps a lot to simultaneously remind myself that I am making a choice to be on the plane, and in that sense, it IS escapable in a meta sort of way.
posted by aecorwin at 12:26 PM on August 1, 2018 [9 favorites]
(I'm not necessarily advocating this for you or anyone else, just sharing what's worked for me). Shrooms. I used to get quite a lot of anxiety about flying, and even had a major panic attack in the boarding lounge once. I used to sometimes request advanced boarding for medical reasons (they never questioned why, but it made me feel a bit better). Then I got hired in my current job, which involves a lot of flying, including transatlantic and regional flights in developing countries. So I had one magical evening with my closest friends, consumed a rather large dose of shooms via mint tea and peanut butter crackers, and it was like all the peace in the universe suddenly flooded into my heart. I haven't had an ounce of anxiety on a single flight in the 1.5 years since. Total game changer for me.
Again, I'm not saying this is necessary the best thing for you to do, but it was a massive help for me personally.
posted by hasna at 1:00 PM on August 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
Again, I'm not saying this is necessary the best thing for you to do, but it was a massive help for me personally.
posted by hasna at 1:00 PM on August 1, 2018 [8 favorites]
Best answer: I'm curious about your experience with benzos, because this is what I use them for. I don't even always take them any more, but knowing I have them if I start to panic makes me feel better. When I do take them, I find my thoughts don't change but I care less. This is what has fixed flying for me. (And not having a choice.)
Also, fear of not being able to escape is claustrophobia. People think it is small spaces; it isn't necessarily. I mention this because it might help with your search.
posted by dame at 1:07 PM on August 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
Also, fear of not being able to escape is claustrophobia. People think it is small spaces; it isn't necessarily. I mention this because it might help with your search.
posted by dame at 1:07 PM on August 1, 2018 [7 favorites]
I used to be terrified to fly until I worked on 9/11 and Flight 587 for the medical examiner's office in NYC. Since then, I fly like a baby. I even like turbulance. It feels like being rocked. I'm not 100% sure why, but here are some thoughts.
1. Because part of my work involved reading affidavits where people were applying to get a death certificate without remains, I know a lot of stories about those who survived the planes crashing into the towers, but did not survive the fall of the towers. Folks in the buildings sent emails and made phone calls and I've read copies of those emails and summaries of those conversations. They were all full of love and concern, not for themselves, but for the people they were pretty sure they were going to be leaving behind. No one was screaming into answering machines, no one was begging their famlies for help, they were telling them they loved them, telling them they were OK and weren't afraid, they were beautiful calls and messages. They were painful and difficult, but incredibly brave.
2. I belive that in cases of extreme terror, "you" aren't there. Your primitive self may be there, screaming like a banshee and your best, higher self may be there, selflessly helping those around you, but *you're* pushed aside because *you're* a waste of energy. "Why meeeeeeeee?!!!!!" is not useful. "Oh, I'm scaaaaaaaaarrrrrreddddddd!!!!!!" is not a good use of limited bandwidth.
3. Airlines are corporations concerned about $$$ and will not fly if they think a plane is going to crash because plane crashes are VERY expensive. They take years (decades, sometimes!) to deal with and millions and millions and millions of dollars. You are not just depending on their good will to keep you safe. You are depending on their self-interest, a much more reliable factor, in my opinioin.
4. You are not a pilot. So, the weather may seem scary to you, but you are of the mistaken belief that if the weather is calm you have a lesser chance of dying in a plane crash. "I am not in control of this situation and that's OK" is something to think pretty much all the time, not just flying.
4. There is a wide range of events between "Perfectly smooth flight" and "firey death falling from the sky screaming." A WIDE range. Your odds of getting all the way to the end of that spectrum of events are dim. You might experience turbulence. A drop in pressure. A shakey take off, etc., but a firey crash happens basically never and you just aren't that special. Think about it like buying a Powerball ticket. I mean, sure, you could win, but as I tell my students, my (reasonable) stastitical chances of winning the Powerball are the same whether I buy a ticket or not. Zero.
5. As to your specific fear: you are not trapped on a plane. Do something weird and they will turn that bitch around or land at the next airport. You'll get in trouble, but they will land it.
6. Planes don't fall out of the sky. Cars don't lift off zooming down the highway at 100 mph in the desert. It's pretty much the same likelihood.
7. If you feel fear imagining yourseslf dead, think about all the millions of years you weren't here. Your life is just a blip. Non-existence is what you've experienced the vast majority of the time.
8. There was a joke where I worked that people would say they were going to put a silver dollar up their ass before they flew so they could be identified after the crash. Also, that if the plane was going down you'd jump up and yell, "Everyone switch seats and wallets!" so that it would totally confound the people making the identifications. We were able to laugh because we knew our plane wasn't going to crash and if it did, we'd deal with it.
An approch to this flight would be to give yourself a time to worry about it say once a week for fifteen minutes. When you start to worry, tell yourself you're only allowed to worry during that time. Also, if you're committed to overcoming your fear of flying, a few trips to the airport where you don't get on a plane would be a big help.
If you feel anxious on the plane, label the sensations and know that it's going to have a good outcome, however anxious you get, because you aren't in control. Don't turn away and not get on the plane because then you've taught your brain that it's avoided something dangerous and it will feel relief and double up next time.
Those are my thoughts.
posted by orsonet at 1:11 PM on August 1, 2018 [68 favorites]
1. Because part of my work involved reading affidavits where people were applying to get a death certificate without remains, I know a lot of stories about those who survived the planes crashing into the towers, but did not survive the fall of the towers. Folks in the buildings sent emails and made phone calls and I've read copies of those emails and summaries of those conversations. They were all full of love and concern, not for themselves, but for the people they were pretty sure they were going to be leaving behind. No one was screaming into answering machines, no one was begging their famlies for help, they were telling them they loved them, telling them they were OK and weren't afraid, they were beautiful calls and messages. They were painful and difficult, but incredibly brave.
2. I belive that in cases of extreme terror, "you" aren't there. Your primitive self may be there, screaming like a banshee and your best, higher self may be there, selflessly helping those around you, but *you're* pushed aside because *you're* a waste of energy. "Why meeeeeeeee?!!!!!" is not useful. "Oh, I'm scaaaaaaaaarrrrrreddddddd!!!!!!" is not a good use of limited bandwidth.
3. Airlines are corporations concerned about $$$ and will not fly if they think a plane is going to crash because plane crashes are VERY expensive. They take years (decades, sometimes!) to deal with and millions and millions and millions of dollars. You are not just depending on their good will to keep you safe. You are depending on their self-interest, a much more reliable factor, in my opinioin.
4. You are not a pilot. So, the weather may seem scary to you, but you are of the mistaken belief that if the weather is calm you have a lesser chance of dying in a plane crash. "I am not in control of this situation and that's OK" is something to think pretty much all the time, not just flying.
4. There is a wide range of events between "Perfectly smooth flight" and "firey death falling from the sky screaming." A WIDE range. Your odds of getting all the way to the end of that spectrum of events are dim. You might experience turbulence. A drop in pressure. A shakey take off, etc., but a firey crash happens basically never and you just aren't that special. Think about it like buying a Powerball ticket. I mean, sure, you could win, but as I tell my students, my (reasonable) stastitical chances of winning the Powerball are the same whether I buy a ticket or not. Zero.
5. As to your specific fear: you are not trapped on a plane. Do something weird and they will turn that bitch around or land at the next airport. You'll get in trouble, but they will land it.
6. Planes don't fall out of the sky. Cars don't lift off zooming down the highway at 100 mph in the desert. It's pretty much the same likelihood.
7. If you feel fear imagining yourseslf dead, think about all the millions of years you weren't here. Your life is just a blip. Non-existence is what you've experienced the vast majority of the time.
8. There was a joke where I worked that people would say they were going to put a silver dollar up their ass before they flew so they could be identified after the crash. Also, that if the plane was going down you'd jump up and yell, "Everyone switch seats and wallets!" so that it would totally confound the people making the identifications. We were able to laugh because we knew our plane wasn't going to crash and if it did, we'd deal with it.
An approch to this flight would be to give yourself a time to worry about it say once a week for fifteen minutes. When you start to worry, tell yourself you're only allowed to worry during that time. Also, if you're committed to overcoming your fear of flying, a few trips to the airport where you don't get on a plane would be a big help.
If you feel anxious on the plane, label the sensations and know that it's going to have a good outcome, however anxious you get, because you aren't in control. Don't turn away and not get on the plane because then you've taught your brain that it's avoided something dangerous and it will feel relief and double up next time.
Those are my thoughts.
posted by orsonet at 1:11 PM on August 1, 2018 [68 favorites]
My fear of flying has the same origins as yours: not being able to up and leave if I feel uncomfortable. I've been on a few flights in the past couple of years, but they always cause a lot of teeth gnashing.
I see you've tried benzos, but beta blockers might be another option. They don't control the origin of the anxiety, but they keep me from getting caught in the physical symptoms of a panic cycle, like racing heart.
I also do better if I feel less claustrophobic, even though I don't struggle with claustrophobia in general. I just feel better if I have more space to myself. That may not help for you, but it does for me. I book first class if I can afford it, or in an exit row or other seat with more space. Anywhere I can see fewer people is good.
I concentrate on the destination and think positive things about being there. When I start thinking about 'well I could just drive or something' I think about how damn long the alternative takes and that I could just get it over with quickly if I suck it up and fly.
I also usually treat myself to a drink. YMMV.
posted by rachaelfaith at 1:29 PM on August 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
I see you've tried benzos, but beta blockers might be another option. They don't control the origin of the anxiety, but they keep me from getting caught in the physical symptoms of a panic cycle, like racing heart.
I also do better if I feel less claustrophobic, even though I don't struggle with claustrophobia in general. I just feel better if I have more space to myself. That may not help for you, but it does for me. I book first class if I can afford it, or in an exit row or other seat with more space. Anywhere I can see fewer people is good.
I concentrate on the destination and think positive things about being there. When I start thinking about 'well I could just drive or something' I think about how damn long the alternative takes and that I could just get it over with quickly if I suck it up and fly.
I also usually treat myself to a drink. YMMV.
posted by rachaelfaith at 1:29 PM on August 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
I don't have advice for the flight itself, but there are a lot of suggestions up thread already for that. What you're concerned with now is just getting through these next two months. I wish to echo orsonet's advice above about containing your worries into specified slots of time. You can cry, shout, fidget, punch a pillow, headbang to some loud metal music, whatever works to relieve the pressure (as long as none of it directed at a person or at yourself). Do not feel shame for your worry - just focus on getting that energy out. Afterwards, engage in a calming activity to help settle yourself back down. When you are experiencing the worry outside of that specified time slot, perhaps tell yourself, "The flight is not today and now is not the time. I will have my freak out at x o'clock. Right now, I just need to [work on task]. The flight is not today."
posted by acidnova at 2:10 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by acidnova at 2:10 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Maybe try some plausible deniability? Remind yourself that up until the plane door close, you don't HAVE to take that flight. The consequences might be very unpleasant but if you really, really need to, if your life depended on it, you don't have to board the plane.
Then, as you start to worry, remind yourself that you don't really have to get on the plane so why worry about something that might not happen and if it doesn't happen, it's not happening now. In other words, try to procrastinate about worrying.
I know you have good reasons for going and you plan to do it, I'm not saying don't go. Rather, just try to convince your worry that you can wait until the day of the flight to decide which means there is no point in worry about it until you make that final decision.
posted by metahawk at 2:25 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Then, as you start to worry, remind yourself that you don't really have to get on the plane so why worry about something that might not happen and if it doesn't happen, it's not happening now. In other words, try to procrastinate about worrying.
I know you have good reasons for going and you plan to do it, I'm not saying don't go. Rather, just try to convince your worry that you can wait until the day of the flight to decide which means there is no point in worry about it until you make that final decision.
posted by metahawk at 2:25 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Here's what I do:
- I bought some good noise-canceling headphones and they've been worth every penny. They don't make everything silent, but they do reduce the noise, stress, and stimulation of flying. I put them on before we pull away from the gate. I feel a lot better during and after the flight when I wear them. (I also wear them at other stressful and overstimulating places, like IKEA or the hospital. Amazing.)
- I also sometimes drop a little lavender oil on my scarf, which I find soothing. Nothing strong enough that my neighbors could smell it.
- I used to wear a ton of lucky bracelets and rings on my left hand. A seatmate noticed I was nervous on a flight some 18 years ago and gave me a prayer bracelet, which I wore for years on flights. I used to be laden with them and I'm down to just a lucky ring!
- I plan to bring a book or movie that I'm looking forward to during the flight. Movies work great with noise-cancelling headphones!
- I get to the airport like 2-3 hours early and treat myself. I get a manicure. I get a smoothie. I get something delicious to enjoy on the plane. Back in the day, I'd get a drink and a nice meal at an airport restaurant.
- At the gate, I look around for friendly grandmothers boarding the flight. They bring extra luck. One time I got on a plane with a half-dozen nuns and I knew things would be just fine.
- On entering the plane, I tap the right side of the hull for luck.
- I always watch the safety presentation and check my exits, just in case.
- Before flying, I overplan my stay on the other side of the flight. I check my hotel, local restaurants, agenda for work meetings, etc. I pack a sheet mask for the first night at the hotel. I do everything possible to make the rest of my trip as stress-free as possible so none of the stress bubbles over to the flying itself.
posted by mochapickle at 2:39 PM on August 1, 2018 [6 favorites]
- I bought some good noise-canceling headphones and they've been worth every penny. They don't make everything silent, but they do reduce the noise, stress, and stimulation of flying. I put them on before we pull away from the gate. I feel a lot better during and after the flight when I wear them. (I also wear them at other stressful and overstimulating places, like IKEA or the hospital. Amazing.)
- I also sometimes drop a little lavender oil on my scarf, which I find soothing. Nothing strong enough that my neighbors could smell it.
- I used to wear a ton of lucky bracelets and rings on my left hand. A seatmate noticed I was nervous on a flight some 18 years ago and gave me a prayer bracelet, which I wore for years on flights. I used to be laden with them and I'm down to just a lucky ring!
- I plan to bring a book or movie that I'm looking forward to during the flight. Movies work great with noise-cancelling headphones!
- I get to the airport like 2-3 hours early and treat myself. I get a manicure. I get a smoothie. I get something delicious to enjoy on the plane. Back in the day, I'd get a drink and a nice meal at an airport restaurant.
- At the gate, I look around for friendly grandmothers boarding the flight. They bring extra luck. One time I got on a plane with a half-dozen nuns and I knew things would be just fine.
- On entering the plane, I tap the right side of the hull for luck.
- I always watch the safety presentation and check my exits, just in case.
- Before flying, I overplan my stay on the other side of the flight. I check my hotel, local restaurants, agenda for work meetings, etc. I pack a sheet mask for the first night at the hotel. I do everything possible to make the rest of my trip as stress-free as possible so none of the stress bubbles over to the flying itself.
posted by mochapickle at 2:39 PM on August 1, 2018 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm curious about your experience with benzos
I tried this twice. I think Xanax once and Ativan the other time. (People seem to have strong feelings about which one is ideal, and they are by no means unified around one benzo.) The first time was earlier in my fear of flying, and I think it took a little of the edge off but not a lot. The second time I also had some alcohol, and so felt both nervous and very out of it. It wasn't good. Possibly I just need to take a lot, as some friends do. Possibly I should try beta blockers, as was suggested above. I just wish I felt reliably that I had something that would turn off the regressed "AAAGH" voice if it starts up.
Thanks for the suggestions so far, which feell helpful. I will reiterate, though in case people are still feeling suggesty: I am aware of the safety of flying and this knowledge does not help. Irrational fears are irrational.
posted by Smearcase at 2:49 PM on August 1, 2018
I tried this twice. I think Xanax once and Ativan the other time. (People seem to have strong feelings about which one is ideal, and they are by no means unified around one benzo.) The first time was earlier in my fear of flying, and I think it took a little of the edge off but not a lot. The second time I also had some alcohol, and so felt both nervous and very out of it. It wasn't good. Possibly I just need to take a lot, as some friends do. Possibly I should try beta blockers, as was suggested above. I just wish I felt reliably that I had something that would turn off the regressed "AAAGH" voice if it starts up.
Thanks for the suggestions so far, which feell helpful. I will reiterate, though in case people are still feeling suggesty: I am aware of the safety of flying and this knowledge does not help. Irrational fears are irrational.
posted by Smearcase at 2:49 PM on August 1, 2018
I used to have a similarly debilitating, related anxiety - I had a panic attack once after my first very special TSA patdown and couldn’t bring myself to fly for several years after, complete with nightmares, insomnia thinking about it, etc. The thing that fixed it for me was a super low dose of Ativan, high enough to get me to care less but low enough that none of the memory side effects emerged (I’ve heard that can be a downfall of PRN benzos - you don’t unlearn your fear because your memory is impaired). I survived a few medicated TSA encounters and now I don’t need the meds to fly anymore - I still feel the anxiety but it does not control me. I don’t know how well this will generalize to you, though, since you have already tried and found it not helpful - and especially because you would probably need a longer lasting form/dose than I did, as it would need to get you through the flight. I’m sorry and I have so much sympathy.
Can you schedule a treat for yourself on the other end of the flight that is pure fun and just for you? Another part of my unlearning my fear is that actually traveling again reminded me of the pleasure it had once given me, not the transit itself, but seeing new places and old friends.
posted by eirias at 3:25 PM on August 1, 2018
Can you schedule a treat for yourself on the other end of the flight that is pure fun and just for you? Another part of my unlearning my fear is that actually traveling again reminded me of the pleasure it had once given me, not the transit itself, but seeing new places and old friends.
posted by eirias at 3:25 PM on August 1, 2018
You can see your doc about your anxiety and tell them what you've already tried - they should have some more ideas.
I get really anxious about flying for the same reason. It helps to do everything I can do make my flight less annoying and give myself something to look forward to - I download games on my phone - old favorites and new things, get a couple of light-hearted books lined up, some special snacks. I pack good headphones and earplugs and make sure I get a decent seat.
Then I can soothe myself a little by remembering "I'll have that good book i've been wanting to read, my favorite chocolate bar, that fun new game I've been wanting to try. I'll have the window seat."
So far nothing works perfectly, but those things do help.
posted by bunderful at 4:07 PM on August 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
I get really anxious about flying for the same reason. It helps to do everything I can do make my flight less annoying and give myself something to look forward to - I download games on my phone - old favorites and new things, get a couple of light-hearted books lined up, some special snacks. I pack good headphones and earplugs and make sure I get a decent seat.
Then I can soothe myself a little by remembering "I'll have that good book i've been wanting to read, my favorite chocolate bar, that fun new game I've been wanting to try. I'll have the window seat."
So far nothing works perfectly, but those things do help.
posted by bunderful at 4:07 PM on August 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
In terms of getting from now to when your flight is... I've found CBT thought charts (of basically this template) to be invaluable for working through anxiety. To a certain extent just letting my mind run riot and writing down every bad thing that comes up when I think about a specific trigger is helpful; holding all of that stuff in my head is exhausting and getting it down on paper lets me stop worrying about it. And seeing it in black and white also lets me talk back to the anxiety more effectively than trying to have the entire conversation in my head. (The responses don't have to be rational "I know that [trigger] is totally safe" kinds of things; they can be "I'm not willing to let this keep ruling my life" or "I have more ways of dealing with this than I think I do".)
posted by asterix at 4:19 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by asterix at 4:19 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: - Alcohol is often not recommended for combating on-flight anxiety because it dehydrates you (air cabins tend to be low/no humidity and are already dehydrating environments). Plus, you have pointed out it didn’t work for you in the past.
- Talk with your doctor about Valium; if you were not a fan of Xanax or Ativan Iran worth trying. Either way, I would see if your doctor is okay with you taking a low dose for a week in advance (and then a full dose - whatever the doctor may prescribe) on the day of the flight. Same thing before you board your return flight.
- You could talk with your doctor about possibly *starting now* on a prescription for a course of non-benzo anti-anxiety drug(BuSpar being the main one that comes to mind). BuSpar is not a beta blocker but has been around for a long time; it was traditionally prescribed for hypertension but is a common non-benzo for long term anxiety treatment.
- Same thing as above, but with beta blockers.
(Note: My big thing with Benzos: they work best if you take your first dose UPON WAKING UP. This is true for me and several friends I have advised to do the same. As my psychiatrist told me, “it’s better to shut the barn door before the horses get out, than to let the horses run wild and then chase them back into the barn.” If you take your first benzo within ten minutes of rising (the night before, leave it by your bed with a glass of water) it will make a dramatic difference because you won’t have a chance to spend any part of your waking day in anxious panic. Then you take another just before boarding. The point is, you want to “set the tone” for the day by starting it with the benzo in your system immediately. YMMV but this hasn’t helped myself and others avoid the stress of getting anxious, then trying to fight it back by taking a benzo after the anxiety is already in full force.)
- Guided mindfulness meditation. Invest in nice headphones with noise canceling (the Bose ones are the best according to The Wirecutter, if you can afford it) and key up some that you already know work for you for once you are on board.
- Comfortable earplugs, for when you want quiet but not music/meditation.
- A high quality sleep mask - yes, it makes a difference for light blocking and comfort. I like the ones from Dream Essentials. And neck pillow.
- Lavender, or another essential oil you find soothing, with tissues. Blot the tissue with a drop or two of oil and “waft” it under your nose. It will allow you to benefit from aromatherapy (if that’s your thing) without being disruptive to others on the cabin who may not appreciate smelling perfumed oils.
- Yoga. A cliche, I know, but start a gentle practice now. Having loose, limber muscles will help you avoid the added discomfort of sitting while combating flight anxiety. I strongly recommend hip flexor/hip opener stretches.
- Have a plan for other on flight comforts. Know what comfy clothing you will wear when boarding. If possibly, bring a lightweight throw or blanket that feels good to the touch. Cell phone games that are distracting - for me, that’s Tetris, or other puzzles where I have to think fast but the stakes aren’t too high. Stuff that gives you too much time to ruminate (Scrabble, Solitaire) are less recommended, but it depends on what is best for YOU.
- I also echo others who say that if you afford to upgrade, even if just to business class, do it.
- CBT is your friend, as others wisely suggested above.
posted by nightrecordings at 4:21 PM on August 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
- Talk with your doctor about Valium; if you were not a fan of Xanax or Ativan Iran worth trying. Either way, I would see if your doctor is okay with you taking a low dose for a week in advance (and then a full dose - whatever the doctor may prescribe) on the day of the flight. Same thing before you board your return flight.
- You could talk with your doctor about possibly *starting now* on a prescription for a course of non-benzo anti-anxiety drug(BuSpar being the main one that comes to mind). BuSpar is not a beta blocker but has been around for a long time; it was traditionally prescribed for hypertension but is a common non-benzo for long term anxiety treatment.
- Same thing as above, but with beta blockers.
(Note: My big thing with Benzos: they work best if you take your first dose UPON WAKING UP. This is true for me and several friends I have advised to do the same. As my psychiatrist told me, “it’s better to shut the barn door before the horses get out, than to let the horses run wild and then chase them back into the barn.” If you take your first benzo within ten minutes of rising (the night before, leave it by your bed with a glass of water) it will make a dramatic difference because you won’t have a chance to spend any part of your waking day in anxious panic. Then you take another just before boarding. The point is, you want to “set the tone” for the day by starting it with the benzo in your system immediately. YMMV but this hasn’t helped myself and others avoid the stress of getting anxious, then trying to fight it back by taking a benzo after the anxiety is already in full force.)
- Guided mindfulness meditation. Invest in nice headphones with noise canceling (the Bose ones are the best according to The Wirecutter, if you can afford it) and key up some that you already know work for you for once you are on board.
- Comfortable earplugs, for when you want quiet but not music/meditation.
- A high quality sleep mask - yes, it makes a difference for light blocking and comfort. I like the ones from Dream Essentials. And neck pillow.
- Lavender, or another essential oil you find soothing, with tissues. Blot the tissue with a drop or two of oil and “waft” it under your nose. It will allow you to benefit from aromatherapy (if that’s your thing) without being disruptive to others on the cabin who may not appreciate smelling perfumed oils.
- Yoga. A cliche, I know, but start a gentle practice now. Having loose, limber muscles will help you avoid the added discomfort of sitting while combating flight anxiety. I strongly recommend hip flexor/hip opener stretches.
- Have a plan for other on flight comforts. Know what comfy clothing you will wear when boarding. If possibly, bring a lightweight throw or blanket that feels good to the touch. Cell phone games that are distracting - for me, that’s Tetris, or other puzzles where I have to think fast but the stakes aren’t too high. Stuff that gives you too much time to ruminate (Scrabble, Solitaire) are less recommended, but it depends on what is best for YOU.
- I also echo others who say that if you afford to upgrade, even if just to business class, do it.
- CBT is your friend, as others wisely suggested above.
posted by nightrecordings at 4:21 PM on August 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
This isn't practical itself, but there'll be a suggestion after I tell the story, I promise. Story: I was like you, terrified of flying for years, seat-clutching terror and all that, so I just stopped flying for twenty years... until one day I had to fly for work, no choice, so I forced myself onto that plane...and it sat on the tarmac for three hours. Was I afraid? No, not after the first twenty minutes. I was *furious* that the long complicated series of connecting flights was now shot to hell, and I never even wanted to go on this stupid trip in the first place! So I sat there and seethed, and there just wasn't any room for the fear. I thought it was a one-off, but now every flight since then, I just sit there irritated as hell about the cramped seats, or the noisy seatmates, or whatever, and I don't feel fear anymore.
Long story short, maybe don't be a dick like me - but *do* look for competing emotions. What is strong enough to fill your mind so there's no room for fear? Is it happiness? Relaxation? Despair at Donald Trump's policies? A loved one? My buddies in the dental phobia field call this "incompatible emotions" and work on training their patients to feel something else, anything else, really strongly.
posted by Mogur at 4:32 PM on August 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
Long story short, maybe don't be a dick like me - but *do* look for competing emotions. What is strong enough to fill your mind so there's no room for fear? Is it happiness? Relaxation? Despair at Donald Trump's policies? A loved one? My buddies in the dental phobia field call this "incompatible emotions" and work on training their patients to feel something else, anything else, really strongly.
posted by Mogur at 4:32 PM on August 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I'm better now (sertraline for general anxiety helped) but I've been where you are. Some things that helped me:
- chatting no stop to whatever poor sucker was sitting near me
- realising that no matter what it feels like, my body can survive extreme anxiety for long periods of time without exploding. I used to feel like things would come to a crisis point and * something* would happen but it doesn't - I feel what I feel and for everyone else life just goes on.
- I guess on that note, if I did explode into insanity and running around and shrieking and just expressing everything I was feeling, they would land the plane and odds are, everyone else would be more scared than me. It was kind of a nice thought to have in my back pocket I did have power (this would really depend on what country you were over)
- Avoid caffeine. I didn't need the extra jitters.
- tell the flight attendants. They can be really kind and helpful.
- sit over the wings - much less bouncy.
posted by kitten magic at 5:18 PM on August 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
- chatting no stop to whatever poor sucker was sitting near me
- realising that no matter what it feels like, my body can survive extreme anxiety for long periods of time without exploding. I used to feel like things would come to a crisis point and * something* would happen but it doesn't - I feel what I feel and for everyone else life just goes on.
- I guess on that note, if I did explode into insanity and running around and shrieking and just expressing everything I was feeling, they would land the plane and odds are, everyone else would be more scared than me. It was kind of a nice thought to have in my back pocket I did have power (this would really depend on what country you were over)
- Avoid caffeine. I didn't need the extra jitters.
- tell the flight attendants. They can be really kind and helpful.
- sit over the wings - much less bouncy.
posted by kitten magic at 5:18 PM on August 1, 2018 [3 favorites]
If you're the sort of person who prefers to rip the band-aid off and get it over with, check the airline sites for last minute deals and book an overnight trip this weekend to the most interesting place you can afford. There are fun/interesting ways to occupy a day or so in literally every city with an airport, so you'll get something out of it beyond getting it over with so you don't stress so much for three whole months.
Maybe there's an old friend you haven't seen in a while at a destination that happens to be cheap this weekend who also happens to be free to hang out, if nothing else. Spontaneous last minute trips are responsible for some of my fondest memories.
posted by wierdo at 5:58 PM on August 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
Maybe there's an old friend you haven't seen in a while at a destination that happens to be cheap this weekend who also happens to be free to hang out, if nothing else. Spontaneous last minute trips are responsible for some of my fondest memories.
posted by wierdo at 5:58 PM on August 1, 2018 [2 favorites]
My fear of flying is also from claustrophobia. People react differently to different benzos, so maybe keep trying those. Klonopin makes me incredibly calm and a little dopey. And like nightrecordings said, take them early. I usually take one before bed the night before, half in the morning, and another half on the way to the airport (timing and amount depends on what time the flight is). A few years of flying with benzos has really helped my flying anxiety in general. I've flown so many times now without incident that I have much less anticipatory anxiety about my anxiety.
I always get an aisle seat with extra legroom. I always have both a mindless book and some mindless phone games for distractions. I have a neck pillow and comfortable clothes and snacks and water and extra benzos. I am very particular about all of it, but it helps.
posted by Mavri at 6:43 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
I always get an aisle seat with extra legroom. I always have both a mindless book and some mindless phone games for distractions. I have a neck pillow and comfortable clothes and snacks and water and extra benzos. I am very particular about all of it, but it helps.
posted by Mavri at 6:43 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have what would probably be considered a more mild fear of flying. I don't get nervous or apprenhensive when booking the flight or even boarding the plane. But after a really bad experience many years ago with very bad turbulence I now get extremely anxious with any little bit of turbulance experienced on the plane. The best thing for me is usually to simply keep my focus off the flight and on a movie. So I always try to make sure I have movies downloaded on to my phone in case the flight doesn't have any. But either way I just stay focused on the movie or show at all times. Does it work perfectly? No...but it helps a lot.
posted by ljs30 at 7:51 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ljs30 at 7:51 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
As someone who is not keen on flying but who loves traveling, I tell myself that I can be as afraid as I want before hand as well as on the flight but that I'm doing it anyway. For my first several flights (after not having flown for a long time), I carried a hand towel specifically for the purpose of weeping. I wept off and on for twelve hours while flying to Japan. So be it. I'm not going to die of fright (or dehydration from crying), and the rational part of my brain tells me I'm not going to die in a plane crash. It's just too statistically unlikely. Being brave isn't being unafraid. It's doing what you're afraid of despite being afraid.
posted by ReginaHart at 9:26 AM on August 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ReginaHart at 9:26 AM on August 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
Oh, and for the record, I no longer weep on flights, nor do I feverishly recite the Heart of Great Perfect Wisdom Sutra. I'm still not crazy about flying, but I can distract myself with reading, eating, games, and sleeping. Repeated exposure to a fear without negative consequences does wonders.
posted by ReginaHart at 9:28 AM on August 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by ReginaHart at 9:28 AM on August 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
To add to my recommendation for the course (or one like it) above: before the course I also was quite aware of all the safety stats of flying and it made not one damn bit of difference. What the course did was give me a lot of videos going into exactly what's going on when flying, it gave me a couple of mental exercises to do that started to associate the stimuli that normally caused (and built on) anxiety with calming, reassuring things, a weekly group chat and phone call with licensed therapists, and a list of steps to do and videos to watch during each step of prepping for the flight and getting on the plane. I don't know if each individual thing would do much on its own, but all of them together turned a long-distance set of flights from the US to Europe from an anxiety-ridden ordeal into something pretty boring, which I count a win.
(As an aside, one of the mental exercises also helps a great deal with insomnia.)
posted by telophase at 1:13 PM on August 2, 2018
(As an aside, one of the mental exercises also helps a great deal with insomnia.)
posted by telophase at 1:13 PM on August 2, 2018
Suffered from fear of flying badly for years. It's gone now. Here's what worked:
*www.fearofflying.com was very useful, as Telophase said. I spoke with Captain Tom Bunn, who runs the program, and he was great.
*Xanax, just one about 30 minutes before boarding.
*Tell the attendant at the door that you'd like to meet the pilots. I've never been refused. You get to look inside the cockpit sometimes. Tell them you're a nervous flyer and they will be sooo comforting.
*Get a seat over the wing; it's smoother.
*Talk to a friend beforehand who loves to fly. Ask them to describe how they feel during takeoff, which will be something like "exhilarated," "excited," "thrilled at the speed," etc. Those emotions feel the same in your body as anxiety. So when my plane is about to take off (the scariest part for me), I imagine that I'm Jeanmarie, my friend who feels exhilaration at takeoff. My anxiety reframes to a fun emotion.
*Bon Voyage!
posted by Mayree at 3:55 PM on August 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
*www.fearofflying.com was very useful, as Telophase said. I spoke with Captain Tom Bunn, who runs the program, and he was great.
*Xanax, just one about 30 minutes before boarding.
*Tell the attendant at the door that you'd like to meet the pilots. I've never been refused. You get to look inside the cockpit sometimes. Tell them you're a nervous flyer and they will be sooo comforting.
*Get a seat over the wing; it's smoother.
*Talk to a friend beforehand who loves to fly. Ask them to describe how they feel during takeoff, which will be something like "exhilarated," "excited," "thrilled at the speed," etc. Those emotions feel the same in your body as anxiety. So when my plane is about to take off (the scariest part for me), I imagine that I'm Jeanmarie, my friend who feels exhilaration at takeoff. My anxiety reframes to a fun emotion.
*Bon Voyage!
posted by Mayree at 3:55 PM on August 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by shornco at 12:16 PM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]