Dealing with a 'team-building event' that involves drinking I don't do.
July 30, 2018 11:26 AM Subscribe
My department at work is setting up a 'team-building event'. The ones in the past have included a cooking class, a game night, a drink-and-paint, and karaoke. The one they're revving up for now is a booze cruise. The problem? 1) I don't drink alcohol and 2) I have an arthritic knee and am considered lightly disabled.
They're all very excited about it and no one seems to understand that I don't drink, I don't want to drink, and I will probably be fairly miserable as people get snockered around me and I remain stone-cold sober and having to deal with it. (This has been my dharma around drunken people since I stopped drinking years ago.)
I fully expect my lack of drunkenness will end up with me having to arrange for people to make it to cabs to their homes, and then I get the fun of finding my way home (I don't drive, so I have to get to a train or bus after all of this.)
Other options have been bowling (which I can't do due to my knee), a walking tour of a part of the city (ditto), archery (I might be able to do) and a movie night (which I voted for and even said I'd bring movies to).
Not sure what to do here without coming off like a buzzkill. The company has beers at many events, including the bi-weekly minutes and the quarterly report, so I end up with a cup of water and an annoyed expression - this may be why they're all "okay" with a booze cruise.
They're all very excited about it and no one seems to understand that I don't drink, I don't want to drink, and I will probably be fairly miserable as people get snockered around me and I remain stone-cold sober and having to deal with it. (This has been my dharma around drunken people since I stopped drinking years ago.)
I fully expect my lack of drunkenness will end up with me having to arrange for people to make it to cabs to their homes, and then I get the fun of finding my way home (I don't drive, so I have to get to a train or bus after all of this.)
Other options have been bowling (which I can't do due to my knee), a walking tour of a part of the city (ditto), archery (I might be able to do) and a movie night (which I voted for and even said I'd bring movies to).
Not sure what to do here without coming off like a buzzkill. The company has beers at many events, including the bi-weekly minutes and the quarterly report, so I end up with a cup of water and an annoyed expression - this may be why they're all "okay" with a booze cruise.
Response by poster: One of the team leaders comes up with the list, and we vote on it. I've suggested that maybe we change the method.
I missed the drink-and-sip, and was warned I need to not skip them, especially when it's done as us being let go for part of the day to do this. If it gets scheduled in advance, we're expected to not have a "prior commitment".
posted by mephron at 11:36 AM on July 30, 2018
I missed the drink-and-sip, and was warned I need to not skip them, especially when it's done as us being let go for part of the day to do this. If it gets scheduled in advance, we're expected to not have a "prior commitment".
posted by mephron at 11:36 AM on July 30, 2018
You're really not responsible for getting other adults home.
Is there a department head you can talk to about planning future events that could better accommodate you?
Are you sure you're the only non-drinker?
It's unclear what you're asking...
posted by mdrew at 11:38 AM on July 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
Is there a department head you can talk to about planning future events that could better accommodate you?
Are you sure you're the only non-drinker?
It's unclear what you're asking...
posted by mdrew at 11:38 AM on July 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
If I were your boss, my question would be: Is the drinking that will happen aboard this boat putting your sobriety in danger?
If the answer to that is no, then I would say: You're not required to drink and you're not required to arrange for your colleagues to get home. You're not required to enjoy it if you don't but in the end you can't please everyone and the boat does accommodate your need to not do a lot of walking. A movie night is not much of a team building activity because people don't interact while watching a movie.
posted by vunder at 11:45 AM on July 30, 2018 [29 favorites]
If the answer to that is no, then I would say: You're not required to drink and you're not required to arrange for your colleagues to get home. You're not required to enjoy it if you don't but in the end you can't please everyone and the boat does accommodate your need to not do a lot of walking. A movie night is not much of a team building activity because people don't interact while watching a movie.
posted by vunder at 11:45 AM on July 30, 2018 [29 favorites]
First, let the drunks get home themselves. Second, the company should be providing cabs or Ubers or black town cars for the workers to get home because they are serving booze. Take one of those even if you don't drink.
posted by AugustWest at 11:46 AM on July 30, 2018 [17 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 11:46 AM on July 30, 2018 [17 favorites]
I am all for booze team building events, but if they’re mandatory it seems crazy problematic.
posted by corb at 11:46 AM on July 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by corb at 11:46 AM on July 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
Ok, so you have to go. (In the long term changing the system does sound good). What you don’t have to do is take on the worst aspects of a drunken night out without even being drunk. You are not going to hold someone’s hair when they puke or put people in taxis. What’s the earliest you can leave? Decide on an hour. Book yourself a taxi in advance and leave when your taxi arrives. People will make a fuss about you leaving first or early, but honestly, even though it’s with work, you cannot be expected to stay, sober, to the end of a booze cruise where the aim is to be drunk. They want mephron to stay the whole event? They put on events that are accessible for you.
posted by mymbleth at 11:48 AM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by mymbleth at 11:48 AM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
How to not "come off like a buzzkill": is there a way for your to enjoy your (hopefully) short stay at the party and at least not "end up with a cup of water and an annoyed expression"? Maybe drink something colorful and fun and indulgent as a little treat to yourself for having to put up with this bs.
This is a really uncomfortable situation for you to be put in and I feel for you. You should not be put in the position of "designated driver" here, and should leave as soon as it's appropriate.
posted by the webmistress at 11:53 AM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
This is a really uncomfortable situation for you to be put in and I feel for you. You should not be put in the position of "designated driver" here, and should leave as soon as it's appropriate.
posted by the webmistress at 11:53 AM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
I can't imagine that you're the only one on the cruise who won't be wasted. Not everyone likes to get all-out drunk, especially at a work event. Can you seek out a co-worker who might be drinking less?
Agreed with the others to get off the boat as soon as you are able, and get yourself home. Let the others fend for themselves. You aren't responsible for them. Period.
As for the disabled portion, yes it sucks, but there are going to be activities that work for the majority of the group that you may not get to participate in. If they go bowling, and you can't bowl, then you can go and still hang out with the group. You don't have to actually bowl to have a good time. (yes, I've done this before.)
For the walking tour of the city, maybe there's an option to rent a wheelchair, and one of your colleagues can push you. Or maybe there's a Segway tour that your group can do instead. Or maybe a river cruise.
Instead of feeling like you're a buzzkill, take action and look for alternatives rather than just shooting everything down, and feeling like you can't do anything.
posted by hydra77 at 11:59 AM on July 30, 2018 [14 favorites]
Agreed with the others to get off the boat as soon as you are able, and get yourself home. Let the others fend for themselves. You aren't responsible for them. Period.
As for the disabled portion, yes it sucks, but there are going to be activities that work for the majority of the group that you may not get to participate in. If they go bowling, and you can't bowl, then you can go and still hang out with the group. You don't have to actually bowl to have a good time. (yes, I've done this before.)
For the walking tour of the city, maybe there's an option to rent a wheelchair, and one of your colleagues can push you. Or maybe there's a Segway tour that your group can do instead. Or maybe a river cruise.
Instead of feeling like you're a buzzkill, take action and look for alternatives rather than just shooting everything down, and feeling like you can't do anything.
posted by hydra77 at 11:59 AM on July 30, 2018 [14 favorites]
I don't drink either. If this were me, I'd go to the event because it's true that team-building events are part of the job. But I absolutely would not feel responsible for getting drunk people home. If people in your workplace are indeed irresponsible around alcohol, you might want to mention to your manager that this opens your company up to legal liability. If that's a no-go, you can leave as soon as everyone is too drunk to notice. You certainly don't have to stick around to the end. If your managers do expect you to stay until the party is over and put people in cars, then that's not reasonable and you need to talk to someone about expectations.
In general, though, not every team-building event is for everyone. My office has gone bowling. I can't bowl, so I sit and watch people bowl and cheer when they do well and talk to my co-workers. Not everyone can bowl at once, so there's lots of time to talk. My team has also gone to baseball games, which I loathe. But again, I can sit and talk to people. And I can deal with it for an afternoon. Work events do sometimes involve a certain amount of misery. (But if they're pushing the walking tour, it's reasonable to say that you genuinely can't participate.)
I'm also not sure why you're annoyed at others when there's alcohol at parties. Alcohol is a normal part of many people's lives and you would indeed be considered a buzzkill if you tried to change that. If you're being criticized for not drinking or expected to deal with drunkenness, that's a problem, but if people are just drinking around you, that' s just something you need to deal with.
posted by FencingGal at 12:02 PM on July 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
In general, though, not every team-building event is for everyone. My office has gone bowling. I can't bowl, so I sit and watch people bowl and cheer when they do well and talk to my co-workers. Not everyone can bowl at once, so there's lots of time to talk. My team has also gone to baseball games, which I loathe. But again, I can sit and talk to people. And I can deal with it for an afternoon. Work events do sometimes involve a certain amount of misery. (But if they're pushing the walking tour, it's reasonable to say that you genuinely can't participate.)
I'm also not sure why you're annoyed at others when there's alcohol at parties. Alcohol is a normal part of many people's lives and you would indeed be considered a buzzkill if you tried to change that. If you're being criticized for not drinking or expected to deal with drunkenness, that's a problem, but if people are just drinking around you, that' s just something you need to deal with.
posted by FencingGal at 12:02 PM on July 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
Best answer: What’s the earliest you can leave? Decide on an hour. Book yourself a taxi in advance and leave when your taxi arrives.
Hard to do when you are trapped on a boat. I was able to head off a booze cruise at work by pointing out that you *had* to stay the full three hours. That caused enough people not to vote for it.
You're really not responsible for getting other adults home.
you're not required to arrange for your colleagues to get home.
let the drunks get home themselves.
But I absolutely would not feel responsible for getting drunk people home.
All of these are easier said than done. I saw a coworker leave a party in an unsafe manner. Was I supposed to just let them go and be unsafe? This was at a party where they made two senior level people be sober to monitor everyone else. They were terrible at it. Not everyone can tell the signs of someone who has drank too much.
I'm also not sure why you're annoyed at others when there's alcohol at parties.
There is alcohol at parties, where everyone has a drink or two. Then there are parties where the majority drinks too much. That can be really uncomfortable to be around. I was able to slowly change the culture at my company by privately making a stink to several different people. Yes, I was a buzzkill, but I was a buzzkill that helped prevented company sponsored assault or company sponsored deaths from alcohol. Things can go wrong very fast. People can slip away from parties in just a moment, fall overboard where no one notices, and so on. The press loves to tear down companies, and anything incidents like these just gives them fodder.
This was swimming against the tide since the leadership all liked to drink. My constant complaining plus one incident nearly going bad caused them to rethink their parties.
I've also been the one in charge of team events. Does it suck to have so many restrictions because one or two people can't do the activity? Sure it does. But if the purpose is really team building, it is important to make sure it works for everyone. That may mean a day at a beach house instead of a winery tour when there are several people that are pregnant.
In my experience, raising a stink ahead of time then showing up and doing my best to look like I'm having a good time goes a long way with them respecting my point of view. This is for events where you could go but not fully participate, like the bowling or the boat party. For the walking tours, not so much. I would ask, "So it is okay that you are planning a team building event that I am not physically able to participate in?"
posted by Monday at 12:17 PM on July 30, 2018 [14 favorites]
Hard to do when you are trapped on a boat. I was able to head off a booze cruise at work by pointing out that you *had* to stay the full three hours. That caused enough people not to vote for it.
You're really not responsible for getting other adults home.
you're not required to arrange for your colleagues to get home.
let the drunks get home themselves.
But I absolutely would not feel responsible for getting drunk people home.
All of these are easier said than done. I saw a coworker leave a party in an unsafe manner. Was I supposed to just let them go and be unsafe? This was at a party where they made two senior level people be sober to monitor everyone else. They were terrible at it. Not everyone can tell the signs of someone who has drank too much.
I'm also not sure why you're annoyed at others when there's alcohol at parties.
There is alcohol at parties, where everyone has a drink or two. Then there are parties where the majority drinks too much. That can be really uncomfortable to be around. I was able to slowly change the culture at my company by privately making a stink to several different people. Yes, I was a buzzkill, but I was a buzzkill that helped prevented company sponsored assault or company sponsored deaths from alcohol. Things can go wrong very fast. People can slip away from parties in just a moment, fall overboard where no one notices, and so on. The press loves to tear down companies, and anything incidents like these just gives them fodder.
This was swimming against the tide since the leadership all liked to drink. My constant complaining plus one incident nearly going bad caused them to rethink their parties.
I've also been the one in charge of team events. Does it suck to have so many restrictions because one or two people can't do the activity? Sure it does. But if the purpose is really team building, it is important to make sure it works for everyone. That may mean a day at a beach house instead of a winery tour when there are several people that are pregnant.
In my experience, raising a stink ahead of time then showing up and doing my best to look like I'm having a good time goes a long way with them respecting my point of view. This is for events where you could go but not fully participate, like the bowling or the boat party. For the walking tours, not so much. I would ask, "So it is okay that you are planning a team building event that I am not physically able to participate in?"
posted by Monday at 12:17 PM on July 30, 2018 [14 favorites]
Just to clarify: when you say "booze cruise," you are referring to the activity where attendees are trapped on a boat moving up and down a body of water with no way to leave until the boat returns to the dock, and there is nothing to do but experience a lot of peer pressure to Bond Through Overconsumption of Alcohol, correct? (Not the other activity you and your coworkers would be "cruising" throughout your local downtown bars, where you could make your escape after a couple of stops.)
It sounds like the team leaders are not understanding the problems with booze-*centered* official work activities, though they're at least trying to accommodate your physical disability - is this specific to your team, or is this prevalent throughout your company's work culture? If the former, I would be leaning towards getting HR involved, though that's likely to get you perceived as the "meanie who got rid of our team method of blowing off steam" and affect your working relationships with your existing team members. If the latter ... well, that brings down the chances of you being able to change anything even further, sorry to say.
posted by Pandora Kouti at 12:23 PM on July 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
It sounds like the team leaders are not understanding the problems with booze-*centered* official work activities, though they're at least trying to accommodate your physical disability - is this specific to your team, or is this prevalent throughout your company's work culture? If the former, I would be leaning towards getting HR involved, though that's likely to get you perceived as the "meanie who got rid of our team method of blowing off steam" and affect your working relationships with your existing team members. If the latter ... well, that brings down the chances of you being able to change anything even further, sorry to say.
posted by Pandora Kouti at 12:23 PM on July 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
Why OP is annoyed = sounds like the "happy hour" at quarterly meetings includes just a case of beers, and OP is having a dixie cup of tap water because management didn't provide anything else. Not that water is undrinkable, just that everyone else is getting a treat, and probably even choices (more than one flavor of beer available)
How to fix: tell organizers that it is impolite to bring beverages for only some of the team. Tell management that although your objections to alcohol aren't religious, the culture is setting itself up to appear as if there's religious discrimination going on. Spell out a simple request, such as "please provide [Spindrift, Odwalla, etc] (your favorite semi-swank drink of choice) for non-drinkers at these events".
Booze-cruise: check out the website, maybe call up the cruise company, and find out what their non-alcoholic options are. If they sound uninspired (we have cans of diet coke and bottles of water) ask what their policy is for bringing food/drink on board. Bring something you'll enjoy, enjoy it with enthusiasm, and if anybody asks, you can tell them that the ship's menu did not meet your needs.
And no, you are not responsible for your coworkers just because you're not drunk. If someone appears to need help, point them out to the boat crew, who are getting paid to deal with drunk passenger bullshit. If someone asks for help and they're not enough of a friend that you feel like helping much: "I may not be drinking but I'm not your designated driver" "No, get Sam to help you, they're drunk enough to think you're hilarious" "I bet the boat crew call cabs for people all the time, let's ask."
posted by aimedwander at 12:24 PM on July 30, 2018 [16 favorites]
How to fix: tell organizers that it is impolite to bring beverages for only some of the team. Tell management that although your objections to alcohol aren't religious, the culture is setting itself up to appear as if there's religious discrimination going on. Spell out a simple request, such as "please provide [Spindrift, Odwalla, etc] (your favorite semi-swank drink of choice) for non-drinkers at these events".
Booze-cruise: check out the website, maybe call up the cruise company, and find out what their non-alcoholic options are. If they sound uninspired (we have cans of diet coke and bottles of water) ask what their policy is for bringing food/drink on board. Bring something you'll enjoy, enjoy it with enthusiasm, and if anybody asks, you can tell them that the ship's menu did not meet your needs.
And no, you are not responsible for your coworkers just because you're not drunk. If someone appears to need help, point them out to the boat crew, who are getting paid to deal with drunk passenger bullshit. If someone asks for help and they're not enough of a friend that you feel like helping much: "I may not be drinking but I'm not your designated driver" "No, get Sam to help you, they're drunk enough to think you're hilarious" "I bet the boat crew call cabs for people all the time, let's ask."
posted by aimedwander at 12:24 PM on July 30, 2018 [16 favorites]
This sucks, and I'm sorry. In a similar situation I had some luck speaking up as a group with a couple of other non-drinking coworkers. You might look around for other grumpy people with water at these team meetings, and see if there's some common cause to be forged there to work toward a long term revamping of the way these plans get chosen.
But short term, it sounds like for this one you're being told you have to go, so probably the best course of action is just to figure out how to make it as un-miserable for yourself as possible. Suggestions above are good. Sticking with whichever coworkers you find most pleasant and least likely to get sloshed off their faces could be good. Advocating for the company to handle rides home would be a good idea for everyone.
I'm sorry; this is a shitty situation to be in. All of this goes out the window if you feel this is a danger to your sobriety vs. just really goddamn unpleasant. If that's the case, I would suggest you say as much, awkward as it's going to be, and just refuse to budge. You may have to burn a lot of social capital on it and it's not fair for that to be the case, but ultimately your sobriety is more important than whether your boss thinks you're a buzzkill.
posted by Stacey at 12:42 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
But short term, it sounds like for this one you're being told you have to go, so probably the best course of action is just to figure out how to make it as un-miserable for yourself as possible. Suggestions above are good. Sticking with whichever coworkers you find most pleasant and least likely to get sloshed off their faces could be good. Advocating for the company to handle rides home would be a good idea for everyone.
I'm sorry; this is a shitty situation to be in. All of this goes out the window if you feel this is a danger to your sobriety vs. just really goddamn unpleasant. If that's the case, I would suggest you say as much, awkward as it's going to be, and just refuse to budge. You may have to burn a lot of social capital on it and it's not fair for that to be the case, but ultimately your sobriety is more important than whether your boss thinks you're a buzzkill.
posted by Stacey at 12:42 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'd go after this around the knee first because your profile says you're in the US and that means your workplace is subject to the ADA. Get a letter from your doctor detailing your restrictions. Include things like, extensive walking, bowling, dealing with stairs more than whatever amount. It's illegal for your workplace to punish you for having a disability, and you're not "being a buzzkill" for needing an accommodation.
posted by bile and syntax at 12:55 PM on July 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 12:55 PM on July 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
(This has been my dharma around drunken people since I stopped drinking years ago.)
This sounds like something that can't be solved within the constraints of a work event, but it also sounds like your employer is unhealthily blasé about the environment they're creating and the reasons employees might not be drinking. You probably can't change the culture that provides beer as a default, but what you can do is gently, but persistently, bring up the lack of comparable nonalcoholic alternatives at company events. There are lots of reasons people might want alternatives to beer (in addition to sobriety, these include pregnancy, interactions with medicine, allergies, or even just the need to get home safely) and I think you have ample grounds to talk to HR about accommodating employees who can't or won't drink beer at these events.
I fully expect my lack of drunkenness will end up with me having to arrange for people to make it to cabs to their homes, and then I get the fun of finding my way home (I don't drive, so I have to get to a train or bus after all of this.)
This is not your problem. If this is a two-to-three hour booze cruise, your employer should be providing safe ground transportation by default. I don't think you even need to be the one to bring up the liability issues (that's on HR and counsel) but the cost to the company if somebody drives drunk after their event is much higher than the cost of car services or taxis for everybody. If they don't provide transportation, get your own taxi, get a receipt, and file an expense report. Seems like a reasonable accommodation to me.
posted by fedward at 1:03 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
This sounds like something that can't be solved within the constraints of a work event, but it also sounds like your employer is unhealthily blasé about the environment they're creating and the reasons employees might not be drinking. You probably can't change the culture that provides beer as a default, but what you can do is gently, but persistently, bring up the lack of comparable nonalcoholic alternatives at company events. There are lots of reasons people might want alternatives to beer (in addition to sobriety, these include pregnancy, interactions with medicine, allergies, or even just the need to get home safely) and I think you have ample grounds to talk to HR about accommodating employees who can't or won't drink beer at these events.
I fully expect my lack of drunkenness will end up with me having to arrange for people to make it to cabs to their homes, and then I get the fun of finding my way home (I don't drive, so I have to get to a train or bus after all of this.)
This is not your problem. If this is a two-to-three hour booze cruise, your employer should be providing safe ground transportation by default. I don't think you even need to be the one to bring up the liability issues (that's on HR and counsel) but the cost to the company if somebody drives drunk after their event is much higher than the cost of car services or taxis for everybody. If they don't provide transportation, get your own taxi, get a receipt, and file an expense report. Seems like a reasonable accommodation to me.
posted by fedward at 1:03 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
I would ask management to provide transportation home (or to within a certain radius) for all of the staff for liability reasons whenever they are offering alcohol at events. That would give you a ride home as well.
I'd also ask for non-alcoholic beverages to be provided so that people with certain medical needs or other faith traditions could also have a pleasant time. I'd specifically phrase it like that because those are protected classes, while I (a person who doesn't like the taste of alcohol) am not, even if I'd still like to have something aside from water.
posted by tchemgrrl at 1:15 PM on July 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'd also ask for non-alcoholic beverages to be provided so that people with certain medical needs or other faith traditions could also have a pleasant time. I'd specifically phrase it like that because those are protected classes, while I (a person who doesn't like the taste of alcohol) am not, even if I'd still like to have something aside from water.
posted by tchemgrrl at 1:15 PM on July 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
You do not have to arrange for cabs for other people. Possibly the cruise itself does that? Perhaps you should bring it up as a concern, as since this is required they could be on the hook for accidents.
You can't have another commitment for the entire time, but you can have one that requires you to leave at a reasonable hour (in general, I understand a cruise is different). Maybe an hour or two after work would have ended, to show goodwill. It can be your mother's birthday, then your father's, your old roommate is visiting this week, a class you take every week, and so on.
You can attend and not bowl. There are other casual sports -- pool/billiards, or curling, say. Various kinds of cooking/baking/chocolate making. Other craft making works well. Volunteering together. Watching sports games. If you're small enough groups, room escape. A scavenger hunt could work if it's done carefully. Trivia games, pub quiz.
I definitely think you should ask about having non-alcoholic drinks available at the meetings.
posted by jeather at 1:15 PM on July 30, 2018
You can't have another commitment for the entire time, but you can have one that requires you to leave at a reasonable hour (in general, I understand a cruise is different). Maybe an hour or two after work would have ended, to show goodwill. It can be your mother's birthday, then your father's, your old roommate is visiting this week, a class you take every week, and so on.
You can attend and not bowl. There are other casual sports -- pool/billiards, or curling, say. Various kinds of cooking/baking/chocolate making. Other craft making works well. Volunteering together. Watching sports games. If you're small enough groups, room escape. A scavenger hunt could work if it's done carefully. Trivia games, pub quiz.
I definitely think you should ask about having non-alcoholic drinks available at the meetings.
posted by jeather at 1:15 PM on July 30, 2018
I fully expect my lack of drunkenness will end up with me having to arrange for people to make it to cabs to their homes,
Is this an expectation based on recent experience, or is it based on back when you used to drink years ago? Because in this world of Uber and Lyft*, even pretty drunk people can generally get themselves home without needing anyone else to navigate a phone menu or discussion with a dispatcher or giving directions to a driver on their behalf.
The upside to the cruise is that they will very likely have a lot more non-alcoholic drink options than the other parties you've described.
I have to admit, I'm coming to this from having attended many work functions over the years that involve alcohol, without seeing anyone get ridic drunk, because generally people don't actually want to get that sort of crazy in front of coworkers and especially supervisors. So that's probably coloring my advice given that you haven't said that at the other drink-y events people really did get drunk, but the assumption that they must do in this case underlies your question, and I'm wondering if that's real.
*Obviously those aren't quite everywhere, but I feel like they are most places that have enough tourist infrastructure that a booze cruise is a thing.
posted by solotoro at 1:16 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Is this an expectation based on recent experience, or is it based on back when you used to drink years ago? Because in this world of Uber and Lyft*, even pretty drunk people can generally get themselves home without needing anyone else to navigate a phone menu or discussion with a dispatcher or giving directions to a driver on their behalf.
The upside to the cruise is that they will very likely have a lot more non-alcoholic drink options than the other parties you've described.
I have to admit, I'm coming to this from having attended many work functions over the years that involve alcohol, without seeing anyone get ridic drunk, because generally people don't actually want to get that sort of crazy in front of coworkers and especially supervisors. So that's probably coloring my advice given that you haven't said that at the other drink-y events people really did get drunk, but the assumption that they must do in this case underlies your question, and I'm wondering if that's real.
*Obviously those aren't quite everywhere, but I feel like they are most places that have enough tourist infrastructure that a booze cruise is a thing.
posted by solotoro at 1:16 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
An Escape Room would be a good team building event for you. So would TopGolf.
posted by bbqturtle at 1:31 PM on July 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by bbqturtle at 1:31 PM on July 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
This sucks. It just does. It's especially crappy because you can't just make an appearance, but have to wait for the boat to dock again before you can leave. The only advice I have is about how to make it less sucky while you're there. Will there at least be food you can eat? Can you focus on the sensory pleasure of that when you visit the snack bar? Can you brainstorm a list of coworkers who are less likely to get drunk or aren't obnoxious while drinking (based on past experience)? Maybe there's someone you've been overlooking? Consider making some goals: talking to X number of people or X number of leadership. Have an "elevator speech" handy along with some interesting anecdotes about what you've been up to lately. Have a short list of questions in mind that you can ask anyone to spark conversation. They can be bland, but whatever. You need something to occupy your brain more since most everyone else will be less cogent conversationalists. Basically treat this like a networking opportunity as a way to hide/distract from your discontent.
Lastly, have a strong and fast exit strategy planned (like having the Lyft app all set up and ready to go on your phone, then summon one when you're in sight of the dock...) and have a reward for yourself set up at home. Your favorite pizza and movie or whatever.
posted by purple_bird at 1:42 PM on July 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
Lastly, have a strong and fast exit strategy planned (like having the Lyft app all set up and ready to go on your phone, then summon one when you're in sight of the dock...) and have a reward for yourself set up at home. Your favorite pizza and movie or whatever.
posted by purple_bird at 1:42 PM on July 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
I missed the drink-and-sip, and was warned I need to not skip them, especially when it's done as us being let go for part of the day to do this.
Probably a long shot, but is there any chance that you could beg off because you 'want to focus on some work that's on your plate,' and then just stay at work to the end of your normal working day?
posted by DingoMutt at 1:50 PM on July 30, 2018
Probably a long shot, but is there any chance that you could beg off because you 'want to focus on some work that's on your plate,' and then just stay at work to the end of your normal working day?
posted by DingoMutt at 1:50 PM on July 30, 2018
The company has beers at many events, including the bi-weekly minutes and the quarterly report, so I end up with a cup of water and an annoyed expression
This is such a small thing, but like--have you tried going to whoever does the shopping for these sorts of things and presenting them with a list of, say, some high-end sodas that you'd like them to pick up a six-pack of? Or, if necessary, bringing something like that yourself? Having a cup of water while everybody else is splurging sets you apart a lot more than if you have, like, an expensive tonic water or root beer or something, and these things do exist. And if such things are made available, there will often be a few other people who decide they'd rather have the sugar. (I do drink, but if it's a work event, I will take an Izze over a beer most days.)
If you can be more a part of the group on a more routine basis, it's possible it'll be seen as more tolerable for you to miss stuff that's more potentially disruptive.
posted by Sequence at 1:57 PM on July 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
This is such a small thing, but like--have you tried going to whoever does the shopping for these sorts of things and presenting them with a list of, say, some high-end sodas that you'd like them to pick up a six-pack of? Or, if necessary, bringing something like that yourself? Having a cup of water while everybody else is splurging sets you apart a lot more than if you have, like, an expensive tonic water or root beer or something, and these things do exist. And if such things are made available, there will often be a few other people who decide they'd rather have the sugar. (I do drink, but if it's a work event, I will take an Izze over a beer most days.)
If you can be more a part of the group on a more routine basis, it's possible it'll be seen as more tolerable for you to miss stuff that's more potentially disruptive.
posted by Sequence at 1:57 PM on July 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
If you are also interested in suggestions for your manager for future offsites, at my company we do a combination of approval voting (check all the things you want to do) and exclusions (check all the things you won't / can't do). This captures a lot more info than a simple poll, and allows managers to find something broadly popular that excludes no one (or the least possible number, if no option is acceptable to everyone).
Popularity-voting on offsites often has the side effect of one group effectively controlling offsites and reducing variety (especially if there is, say, a group of enthusiastic drinkers).
posted by thefoxgod at 1:59 PM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
Popularity-voting on offsites often has the side effect of one group effectively controlling offsites and reducing variety (especially if there is, say, a group of enthusiastic drinkers).
posted by thefoxgod at 1:59 PM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
On booze cruises they tend to have soda and juice, games and music, snacks. There should be enough to do to make the best of it while everyone else does their thing. I drink but the idea of a work booze cruise is a nightmare because I hate forced fun with work people. I assure you, a lot of people on that cruise are just making the best of it, whether or not they drink. You seem to be under the impression everyone will be having a great time, but I really think many people will be faking it.
It seems your main objection is to being around drunk people, which is certainly a torturous when you're sober. Maybe you'll luck out and find a pregnant or religious person to hang out with, or someone on a diet or meds, a fellow teetotaler, or a very light drinker . (At those events I tend to have a single drink in my hand all night, so it might look like I'm ripping it up but in reality it's one weak drink over three hours-- I know I'm not the only one who does this.) Alternatively, hang with your boss. They might be insufferable drunk but due to drunken camaraderie they'll feel great about you, which benefits your career.
Maybe this goes without saying but it's impossible to organize an activity that everyone finds fun. (And then there are people like me, who would not find any mandatory work thing to be fun. I avoid being a buzzkill by pretending I'm enjoying myself.) Your employer has a responsibility to be as inclusive as possible and to accommodate religious objections, disabilities, etc. If you feel those aren't being accommodated, you should speak up to management.
In fact, have you communicated your objections to management at all? You say "no one seems to understand" so it's not clear. Tell them "I'm a teetotaler so I want to make sure there will be fun things for me to drink/do, and I want to be clear I won't be in the role of designated sober person." In no way are you responsible for getting anyone home. Your employer is, so put the responsibility back on them. Make sure you're the first person off the boat and your ride is waiting-- or say it is even if that's not true.
Excellent idea to have your own fun waiting at home. Special movie and meal would perk me right up. Work isn't everything.
posted by kapers at 2:07 PM on July 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
It seems your main objection is to being around drunk people, which is certainly a torturous when you're sober. Maybe you'll luck out and find a pregnant or religious person to hang out with, or someone on a diet or meds, a fellow teetotaler, or a very light drinker . (At those events I tend to have a single drink in my hand all night, so it might look like I'm ripping it up but in reality it's one weak drink over three hours-- I know I'm not the only one who does this.) Alternatively, hang with your boss. They might be insufferable drunk but due to drunken camaraderie they'll feel great about you, which benefits your career.
Maybe this goes without saying but it's impossible to organize an activity that everyone finds fun. (And then there are people like me, who would not find any mandatory work thing to be fun. I avoid being a buzzkill by pretending I'm enjoying myself.) Your employer has a responsibility to be as inclusive as possible and to accommodate religious objections, disabilities, etc. If you feel those aren't being accommodated, you should speak up to management.
In fact, have you communicated your objections to management at all? You say "no one seems to understand" so it's not clear. Tell them "I'm a teetotaler so I want to make sure there will be fun things for me to drink/do, and I want to be clear I won't be in the role of designated sober person." In no way are you responsible for getting anyone home. Your employer is, so put the responsibility back on them. Make sure you're the first person off the boat and your ride is waiting-- or say it is even if that's not true.
Excellent idea to have your own fun waiting at home. Special movie and meal would perk me right up. Work isn't everything.
posted by kapers at 2:07 PM on July 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'd learn early on how the company plans on getting drunk people home safely, and if drunk people ask you for a ride instead? If you're uncomfortable, just gently direct them to the resources that the company provided.
posted by spinifex23 at 2:08 PM on July 30, 2018
posted by spinifex23 at 2:08 PM on July 30, 2018
I think if I were in your shoes, I would spend some but not all of my available social capital on avoiding the worst of these events. Alison at Ask A Manager probably has some wording for approaching your manager about avoiding/changing events that tax your mobility limitation. For the boozy ones you may want to consider whether the booze is more annoyance or health risk. I would be stingy with those social capital points if it’s just annoyance. You may consider feigning cheerfulness at the beery minutes meetings (?!) so that you have more capital left for avoiding a beery cruise.
What industry are you in that your work activities are this thoroughly pickled? I live in a state full of alcoholics and I have had maybe five drinks at work adjacent events, in almost a decade, and all of those were big conferences and not general work parties. And I’ve never gotten pushback about this. I’m not sure anyone has noticed.
posted by eirias at 2:09 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
What industry are you in that your work activities are this thoroughly pickled? I live in a state full of alcoholics and I have had maybe five drinks at work adjacent events, in almost a decade, and all of those were big conferences and not general work parties. And I’ve never gotten pushback about this. I’m not sure anyone has noticed.
posted by eirias at 2:09 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
And if this has anything to do with alcoholism recovery, tell your HR person that the beer meetings and boozy mandatory extracurriculars are conflicting with your sobriety. No employer would make you go after that.
posted by kapers at 2:27 PM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by kapers at 2:27 PM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
The one they're revving up for now is a booze cruise.
This does not sound very smart and makes them vulnerable to lawsuits, but okay.
On a boat? Do you get sea sick, and have to take Gravol or some meds to keep you from being ill, and hence cannot possibly drink?
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 2:36 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
This does not sound very smart and makes them vulnerable to lawsuits, but okay.
On a boat? Do you get sea sick, and have to take Gravol or some meds to keep you from being ill, and hence cannot possibly drink?
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 2:36 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Ugh this sucks. I have made it through a similar situation with this game plan:
Download 2-3 ebooks you've been looking forward to on your phone. Charge it to max right before you go.
Grab a seltzer and say hi to everyone. Make quick convos with the execs, admins, and extroverts. Excuse yourself after a cheery share of words with a "I need to say hi to NextPerson."
Then find a quiet hide out, sit, and read blissfully.
After 45 minutes, grab another seltzer and round of chit chat. Your goal is max human coverage in limited conversations.
Repeat for all hellish loud hours. If someone catches you on the phone, you're checking in with SO or on a work project. The hiding place may need to be switched throughout the evening.
When the boat is coming back, do a last round of chatter. Get at least one anecdote.
By the next work day, everyone will remember you being there, no one will have a negative impression, and you'll have a quick anecdote to pull out when people are swapping stories.
Laugh in your head at playing the game, and continue enjoying the absurd amount of backup books your downloaded.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 3:10 PM on July 30, 2018 [44 favorites]
Download 2-3 ebooks you've been looking forward to on your phone. Charge it to max right before you go.
Grab a seltzer and say hi to everyone. Make quick convos with the execs, admins, and extroverts. Excuse yourself after a cheery share of words with a "I need to say hi to NextPerson."
Then find a quiet hide out, sit, and read blissfully.
After 45 minutes, grab another seltzer and round of chit chat. Your goal is max human coverage in limited conversations.
Repeat for all hellish loud hours. If someone catches you on the phone, you're checking in with SO or on a work project. The hiding place may need to be switched throughout the evening.
When the boat is coming back, do a last round of chatter. Get at least one anecdote.
By the next work day, everyone will remember you being there, no one will have a negative impression, and you'll have a quick anecdote to pull out when people are swapping stories.
Laugh in your head at playing the game, and continue enjoying the absurd amount of backup books your downloaded.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 3:10 PM on July 30, 2018 [44 favorites]
i (very briefly) worked at a start up run by idiot ivy league golden boys that did shit like this all the time, and it was torturous. drunken field days. drunken “prom”. drunken “summer camp” day. drunken scavenger hunts. drunken “build a rube goldberg contraption out of skewers and gumdrops” day. drunken ropes course day! these 30-something dipshits ICED EACH OTHER, AND SUBORDINATES, IN THE OFFICE, DURING WORK HOURS, IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2017. they had a beer cart they’d roll around, encouraging their direct reports to drink on the job.
all of this shit was mandatory. for the sober, for the injured, for the aged, for everyone. you better show up and look like you’re having fun, or else.
and going to hr was useless because hr, like every single department, was one of their college buddies who also thought it was super cool fun times.
it was excruciating.
short-term, go, pretend to be cheerful, use all of these strategies (i particularly love hapaxes’s suggestion, myself). don’t take responsibility for getting people home. absolutely submit an expense report for a ride home after.
but long-term, by god, quit. go work with adults. it’s the only long-term solution. and it is a magnificent relief after that nonsense.
posted by amelioration at 3:42 PM on July 30, 2018 [11 favorites]
all of this shit was mandatory. for the sober, for the injured, for the aged, for everyone. you better show up and look like you’re having fun, or else.
and going to hr was useless because hr, like every single department, was one of their college buddies who also thought it was super cool fun times.
it was excruciating.
short-term, go, pretend to be cheerful, use all of these strategies (i particularly love hapaxes’s suggestion, myself). don’t take responsibility for getting people home. absolutely submit an expense report for a ride home after.
but long-term, by god, quit. go work with adults. it’s the only long-term solution. and it is a magnificent relief after that nonsense.
posted by amelioration at 3:42 PM on July 30, 2018 [11 favorites]
I just want to say, first, that you absolutely have my sympathies. I'm in academia (where the booze flows like rivers and conferences are all about "here's your drink tickets!" and you just get really tired of saying that you're not drinking all the time) and recently sober (today is day 109!) and this crap is just hard and tiring sometimes. Going to a party with your friends where yes, they're going to be drinking but no one's going to give you a hard time and the host remembers you like Vanilla Coke Zero, is totally different than a work thing where Bob from Marketing is going to be an obnoxious prick (or worse) with a few beers in him - except, of course, you don't know who it's actually going to be that person until everyone starts drinking. I deeply get the annoyance and anxiety you're feeling; I'm not looking forward to conference season this year.
But, since your skipping the last thing has been noticed and warned, it sounds like you have to go play the game (whether you should have to or not is not the current practical issue at hand). The best thing I can tell you here (as the sober person who doesn't mind hanging out in bars, my friends are pretty responsible drinkers, thank goodness, so I play Uno in the dive bar with my Shirley Temple), is that bartenders are absolutely prepared for sober people (especially in this case, where they're already paid, so it shouldn't matter how much people drink). I usually go with a chuckle and "every group has one, and I'm it... can I get a Shirley Temple?" (or seltzer with lime, or cran and seltzer, or whatever. If you get lucky you get a bartender who wants to make you something good, but that's unlikely on a booze cruise, they're going to be busy). If nothing else, the bartenders should be easy to deal with.
As far the rest - you're getting some good advice re: culture change (good luck :/) and for actually getting through the event. I hope it's non-eventful, if you do go.
posted by joycehealy at 3:52 PM on July 30, 2018
But, since your skipping the last thing has been noticed and warned, it sounds like you have to go play the game (whether you should have to or not is not the current practical issue at hand). The best thing I can tell you here (as the sober person who doesn't mind hanging out in bars, my friends are pretty responsible drinkers, thank goodness, so I play Uno in the dive bar with my Shirley Temple), is that bartenders are absolutely prepared for sober people (especially in this case, where they're already paid, so it shouldn't matter how much people drink). I usually go with a chuckle and "every group has one, and I'm it... can I get a Shirley Temple?" (or seltzer with lime, or cran and seltzer, or whatever. If you get lucky you get a bartender who wants to make you something good, but that's unlikely on a booze cruise, they're going to be busy). If nothing else, the bartenders should be easy to deal with.
As far the rest - you're getting some good advice re: culture change (good luck :/) and for actually getting through the event. I hope it's non-eventful, if you do go.
posted by joycehealy at 3:52 PM on July 30, 2018
There are a lot of variables here like size of company, size of team, relationship with boss, personalities, how often these happen, whether you've seen these people be totally blitzo or just dreading it. I'll throw a bunch of stuff out:
Milk your bum knee. You need to sit; if obnoxious people are sitting near you, you need to walk.
Talk to the captain or crew or helmsman, if it's small enough boat. They won't be drinking either. Learn something about navigation or their life story.
I 100% second bringing books on your phone. I could even see a deck of cards, if there are a few other people who are more into socializing than drinking and you gauge their interest first. People won't remember you as a buzzkill for not drinking; they might if you look miserable.
Speaking as a moderate drinker who gut stuck taking the obnoxious drunks home several years in a row: Seriously leave *as soon as you get off the boat.* I now always leave early.
Getting everyone else home is not your responsibility. Just head off. If you are literally the only one sober enough to call a taxi that is just a sign of how *everyone else* is at fault.
If you are guilt tripping yourself maybe talk to management ahead of time about letting people expense Uber or whatever.
Plan to take the next day off if you can so you have something to look forward to. Yeah, sucks that everyone but you doesn't have to burn a vacation day but at least you'll be looking forward to something during the cruise instead of stewing.
I find it totally unprofessional to have a mandatory work event to have even a noticeable minority of obnoxious drunks, let alone what you're predicting. If you have an HR department and past experience putting multiple drunk colleagues in taxis, talk to them and say you don't want to be around excessive alcohol use.
They're all very excited about it and no one seems to understand that I don't drink, I don't want to drink, and I will probably be fairly miserable,
On this one point I would say re-read this and ask what you want? You have a legitimate beef with management and the party planners, but you sound like you're at the point where you resent that *anyone* is expecting to have a good time.
posted by mark k at 9:54 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Milk your bum knee. You need to sit; if obnoxious people are sitting near you, you need to walk.
Talk to the captain or crew or helmsman, if it's small enough boat. They won't be drinking either. Learn something about navigation or their life story.
I 100% second bringing books on your phone. I could even see a deck of cards, if there are a few other people who are more into socializing than drinking and you gauge their interest first. People won't remember you as a buzzkill for not drinking; they might if you look miserable.
Speaking as a moderate drinker who gut stuck taking the obnoxious drunks home several years in a row: Seriously leave *as soon as you get off the boat.* I now always leave early.
Getting everyone else home is not your responsibility. Just head off. If you are literally the only one sober enough to call a taxi that is just a sign of how *everyone else* is at fault.
If you are guilt tripping yourself maybe talk to management ahead of time about letting people expense Uber or whatever.
Plan to take the next day off if you can so you have something to look forward to. Yeah, sucks that everyone but you doesn't have to burn a vacation day but at least you'll be looking forward to something during the cruise instead of stewing.
I find it totally unprofessional to have a mandatory work event to have even a noticeable minority of obnoxious drunks, let alone what you're predicting. If you have an HR department and past experience putting multiple drunk colleagues in taxis, talk to them and say you don't want to be around excessive alcohol use.
They're all very excited about it and no one seems to understand that I don't drink, I don't want to drink, and I will probably be fairly miserable,
On this one point I would say re-read this and ask what you want? You have a legitimate beef with management and the party planners, but you sound like you're at the point where you resent that *anyone* is expecting to have a good time.
posted by mark k at 9:54 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I have a doctor's appointment set up for a month from now (first I could get) for a new consultation about my knee; we're looking at a full replacement within the next few years, so that's my priority.
I'm good at not drinking after all this time, but the last big event we had (the cooking class), everyone went to a nearby dive bar afterwards, and it got really uncomfortable out because I wasn't drunk and everyone else was (the other person in the department who doesn't drink also has kids and was able to use that to get out; I have no such luck).
I've mentioned the issue with "could we have drinks for people who don't drink alcohol" at the events; the next one was "oh, sorry, we forgot" and then the next was "oh, man, I'm really sorry about forgetting" and the most recent was they didn't even try. And this was the head of HR.
I am job hunting, but no luck yet.
And yes, I am resentful. I'm resentful about the fact that I seem to have no input, that I am forced to take part in something that I know I will not have fun in, that they published the voting results and people are already making comments about me wanting to kill their fun before it's even booked.
What do I want? I want a nice evening where I don't get people asking me over and over "are you sure you don't want some wine/beer" when I've already refused a dozen times. I want to be able to go to the men's room and come back and not have my seat taken and have to have my feeling of not being part of anything shoved in my face because no one wants to move and let me the fuck in again and so my only real fucking choice is to go sit away from everyone on an uncomfortable chair and pray that I won't scream the next time I get up because of how badly I fucking hurt.
I don't push hard for accommodation of my disabilities, because I didn't want to be too pushy, but I'm reaching the place where I think I really need to start with that. (And a morning conversation with my supervisor has sent me into the place where I could spew fire like Godzilla but I'm not even getting into that one now.)
posted by mephron at 5:59 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm good at not drinking after all this time, but the last big event we had (the cooking class), everyone went to a nearby dive bar afterwards, and it got really uncomfortable out because I wasn't drunk and everyone else was (the other person in the department who doesn't drink also has kids and was able to use that to get out; I have no such luck).
I've mentioned the issue with "could we have drinks for people who don't drink alcohol" at the events; the next one was "oh, sorry, we forgot" and then the next was "oh, man, I'm really sorry about forgetting" and the most recent was they didn't even try. And this was the head of HR.
I am job hunting, but no luck yet.
And yes, I am resentful. I'm resentful about the fact that I seem to have no input, that I am forced to take part in something that I know I will not have fun in, that they published the voting results and people are already making comments about me wanting to kill their fun before it's even booked.
What do I want? I want a nice evening where I don't get people asking me over and over "are you sure you don't want some wine/beer" when I've already refused a dozen times. I want to be able to go to the men's room and come back and not have my seat taken and have to have my feeling of not being part of anything shoved in my face because no one wants to move and let me the fuck in again and so my only real fucking choice is to go sit away from everyone on an uncomfortable chair and pray that I won't scream the next time I get up because of how badly I fucking hurt.
I don't push hard for accommodation of my disabilities, because I didn't want to be too pushy, but I'm reaching the place where I think I really need to start with that. (And a morning conversation with my supervisor has sent me into the place where I could spew fire like Godzilla but I'm not even getting into that one now.)
posted by mephron at 5:59 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Yeah, your company sucks.
One small change you can do to help, maybe:
the last big event we had (the cooking class), everyone went to a nearby dive bar afterwards, and it got really uncomfortable out because I wasn't drunk and everyone else was (the other person in the department who doesn't drink also has kids and was able to use that to get out; I have no such luck).
You actually don't need an excuse to leave early. If you still feel you do, then it doesn't have to be a 100% truthful one; this is the perfect time to invent a neighbor you're catsitting for or something. I've gotten out of similar company events when I was bored out of my mind by making vague noises about feeling slightly unwell, and then gone home and watched stuff on Netflix in comfort. People rarely asked me about it the next day, and anyone who did I was fine just saying "Oh, I'm much better, thanks."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:52 AM on July 31, 2018 [4 favorites]
One small change you can do to help, maybe:
the last big event we had (the cooking class), everyone went to a nearby dive bar afterwards, and it got really uncomfortable out because I wasn't drunk and everyone else was (the other person in the department who doesn't drink also has kids and was able to use that to get out; I have no such luck).
You actually don't need an excuse to leave early. If you still feel you do, then it doesn't have to be a 100% truthful one; this is the perfect time to invent a neighbor you're catsitting for or something. I've gotten out of similar company events when I was bored out of my mind by making vague noises about feeling slightly unwell, and then gone home and watched stuff on Netflix in comfort. People rarely asked me about it the next day, and anyone who did I was fine just saying "Oh, I'm much better, thanks."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:52 AM on July 31, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Oh! And if there's someone else in your department who doesn't drink, are they amenable to coming to your rescue? Because if you're getting a fafillion annoying "are you sure you don't want a beer" questions, then they probably are too, and they may be annoyed as well. Maybe take them aside sometime and ask if they're having the same problem, and you guys can brainstorm on good responses.
Or come up with some kind of signal you can give each other if one of you is cornered by someone pressing you to drink so the other can come over and break up the situation ("if I tug my ear/scratch my left elbow/whatever that means that someone's trying to get me to drink, so please come over and ask the drunk guy a question about sports or something to distract him so I can get away").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:55 AM on July 31, 2018
Or come up with some kind of signal you can give each other if one of you is cornered by someone pressing you to drink so the other can come over and break up the situation ("if I tug my ear/scratch my left elbow/whatever that means that someone's trying to get me to drink, so please come over and ask the drunk guy a question about sports or something to distract him so I can get away").
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:55 AM on July 31, 2018
That stinks, your coworkers sound really unhelpful. Not welcoming you into their conversation circle yet you have to make valid-sounding excuses to leave? ugh! repeatedly ofering you beers yet forgetting to have anything else on offer?? ugh!
Though, one obvious answer to "sure you don't want a beer?" is "I'd love a fruit seltzer, did they remember this week?" basically to publicize the lack of support, and get as many people as possible checking to see if there's seltzer and potentially reminding the drink-shoppers to buy some)
posted by aimedwander at 7:23 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Though, one obvious answer to "sure you don't want a beer?" is "I'd love a fruit seltzer, did they remember this week?" basically to publicize the lack of support, and get as many people as possible checking to see if there's seltzer and potentially reminding the drink-shoppers to buy some)
posted by aimedwander at 7:23 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Geez. It sounded bad before and the extra detail is worse, and it does sound like more than the organizers are worthy of resentment.
Part of me thinks you could just talk to HR and say "reasonable accommodation" in this case is that you simply not show up to this one. You can guess their response better than I can but it doesn't sound like going will accomplish much in terms of networking and goodwill building, so maybe it's worth a hit.
posted by mark k at 7:49 AM on July 31, 2018
Part of me thinks you could just talk to HR and say "reasonable accommodation" in this case is that you simply not show up to this one. You can guess their response better than I can but it doesn't sound like going will accomplish much in terms of networking and goodwill building, so maybe it's worth a hit.
posted by mark k at 7:49 AM on July 31, 2018
Response by poster: I have a meeting set up with HR, after some issues that happened today that if not addressed will probably result in legal action by me (not saying more), but things brought up in this post will be coming up.
posted by mephron at 8:35 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by mephron at 8:35 AM on July 31, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Also, to respond to one thing:
Probably a long shot, but is there any chance that you could beg off because you 'want to focus on some work that's on your plate,' and then just stay at work to the end of your normal working day?
I work a support position, phone and email. The emails that come in get assigned by the supervisors. When these things happen, the phones get turned off and the supervisors go with so there's no way to get the emails. This means that, unfortunately, isn't a viable way to fight this.
posted by mephron at 9:00 AM on July 31, 2018
Probably a long shot, but is there any chance that you could beg off because you 'want to focus on some work that's on your plate,' and then just stay at work to the end of your normal working day?
I work a support position, phone and email. The emails that come in get assigned by the supervisors. When these things happen, the phones get turned off and the supervisors go with so there's no way to get the emails. This means that, unfortunately, isn't a viable way to fight this.
posted by mephron at 9:00 AM on July 31, 2018
Oh absolutely, make up excuses to leave early. These people are not owed your honest schedule.
I really hope that your meeting with HR goes well, this job sounds terrible.
posted by jeather at 2:08 PM on July 31, 2018
I really hope that your meeting with HR goes well, this job sounds terrible.
posted by jeather at 2:08 PM on July 31, 2018
How large is your company (# of employees)? HR's lack of interest in resolving this issue (and it is an issue - this is all but requiring either physical activity and/or drinking, which contributes to a hostile working environment for someone who has physical limitations and is a non-drinker) makes me think that the office culture is incompatible with your needs and a lawsuit waiting to happen.
At my organization, we ask all staff to propose options for social outings, we vote on which ones we like, and we only select the ones that everyone would like to do. If there is no consensus, we make the outing optional (we prefer to have no one left out, which motivates us to find consensus).
Having options for everyone (vegetarians, vegans, recovering alcoholics, gluten intolerant, disabled, etc) is part of both HR and leadership's responsibility.
That said, I have had employers who were less accommodating/healthy/good for me in the past, and the method of 1) letting folks know that I have after-plans that cannot be changed (a white lie - my plans that can't be changed is to get the hell away from drunk colleagues), 2) showing up, 2) saying hello to the folks who count, 3) finding a way to entertain myself or be useful or hide (scoring the bowling game, taking photos off the boat, learning a new thing about 10 newer colleagues, making the drinks-run to ensure that nonalcoholic options are available, etc), and 4) following through consistently on being gone as soon as my pre-set "outta here" time arrives, has worked well for me.
Good luck. This is a failed attempt to make everyone feel included which ends up alienating good employees. Foolhardy leadership in several ways.
posted by pammeke at 10:22 AM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
At my organization, we ask all staff to propose options for social outings, we vote on which ones we like, and we only select the ones that everyone would like to do. If there is no consensus, we make the outing optional (we prefer to have no one left out, which motivates us to find consensus).
Having options for everyone (vegetarians, vegans, recovering alcoholics, gluten intolerant, disabled, etc) is part of both HR and leadership's responsibility.
That said, I have had employers who were less accommodating/healthy/good for me in the past, and the method of 1) letting folks know that I have after-plans that cannot be changed (a white lie - my plans that can't be changed is to get the hell away from drunk colleagues), 2) showing up, 2) saying hello to the folks who count, 3) finding a way to entertain myself or be useful or hide (scoring the bowling game, taking photos off the boat, learning a new thing about 10 newer colleagues, making the drinks-run to ensure that nonalcoholic options are available, etc), and 4) following through consistently on being gone as soon as my pre-set "outta here" time arrives, has worked well for me.
Good luck. This is a failed attempt to make everyone feel included which ends up alienating good employees. Foolhardy leadership in several ways.
posted by pammeke at 10:22 AM on August 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think there can be a false economy re: asking for what you need, in that sometimes it feels easier socially not to make a big deal of something that isn’t working for you. But this comes back to bite you if it’s really really not working, because you can get to a place of deep resentment, and the people you have been trying not to inconvenience will absolutely notice the resentment, and they won’t have enough context for it to feel bad for their part in it, they’ll just think you’re an unreasonable person. Your workplace does sound a bit peculiar, but I wonder whether a bit more directness at your next job about your health needs might be the better strategic move. It’s okay to have a body that has limitations and it seems completely reasonable to me to expect your workplace to accommodate the specific limitations you have.
With the additional details you’ve provided, I probably would skip the booze cruise. I have the impression that sobriety is a health need for you and not a lifestyle choice.
posted by eirias at 12:55 PM on August 1, 2018
With the additional details you’ve provided, I probably would skip the booze cruise. I have the impression that sobriety is a health need for you and not a lifestyle choice.
posted by eirias at 12:55 PM on August 1, 2018
Best answer: IF this is during your normal work time and thus you are getting paid, just go hang out on the boat and do not take any responsibility for anyone who overindulges. If you can't do the activity (like bowling) due to your knee, say so and find a spot to sit in the snack area. OR maybe see if someone wanted to play an arcade game or something instead. IF it is outside of work time and you are not being paid, fuck that, don't work for free, and tell the bros as much.
As for the not drinking, sometimes the phasing "I quit drinking" works better than "I don't drink" to keep people from badgering after a refusal. I don't know why. Maybe because it implies that you are not some prude that has never touched the firewater but that you once were able to drink and now dont because of some reason, whether its addiction, IBS, wheat allergy, just over it, whatever.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:39 AM on August 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
As for the not drinking, sometimes the phasing "I quit drinking" works better than "I don't drink" to keep people from badgering after a refusal. I don't know why. Maybe because it implies that you are not some prude that has never touched the firewater but that you once were able to drink and now dont because of some reason, whether its addiction, IBS, wheat allergy, just over it, whatever.
posted by WeekendJen at 9:39 AM on August 3, 2018 [1 favorite]
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If you've been to a lot of others, then I doubt missing one event will not make you seem like you're "not a team player" or whatever. People have conflicts, life happens.
In the longer term, is there a way to collaborate with the people planning these team events to help tone down the booze element?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:30 AM on July 30, 2018 [6 favorites]