Help me get over shame of inappropriate hookup
July 30, 2018 4:41 AM Subscribe
Advice and personal anecdotes of having gotten over a similar situation wanted. I got drunk and made out with someone totally, TOTALLY inappropriate, on the rebound from my extremely recent divorce, and am so filled with embarrassment and disgust. I have never, ever done anything like this before. I 100% came on to him and it ended up being kind of degrading and now there is no way I will be able to avoid seeing this person. He's a big part of my professional and personal life and I will either see or have the potential to see him every single day of my life unless one of us moves away. More within . . .
I talked to him and we're good, no misunderstandings on a fundamental level--i.e., he's basically a nice guy and recognizes that I'm just in a crazy place right now. But I also learned that he's shallower and stupider than I thought and has some exaggerated ideas about how I came onto him (when the true facts are already bad enough) and whereas I used to respect and trust him, now I think he's kind of an ass and feel revolted. Ugggghhhh please help me figure out how to think about this so I'm not dying of shame the rest of my life.
I talked to him and we're good, no misunderstandings on a fundamental level--i.e., he's basically a nice guy and recognizes that I'm just in a crazy place right now. But I also learned that he's shallower and stupider than I thought and has some exaggerated ideas about how I came onto him (when the true facts are already bad enough) and whereas I used to respect and trust him, now I think he's kind of an ass and feel revolted. Ugggghhhh please help me figure out how to think about this so I'm not dying of shame the rest of my life.
Hm. Just remember that the person that cares the MOST about this encounter is you.
It will definitely pass with some time. We've all done something similar. You're not alone. It will get better.
A bad experience now can make a great story when you're 90.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:54 AM on July 30, 2018 [21 favorites]
It will definitely pass with some time. We've all done something similar. You're not alone. It will get better.
A bad experience now can make a great story when you're 90.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:54 AM on July 30, 2018 [21 favorites]
Try not to move down the road of demonizing him -- the more you decide he's a shallow, stupid ass, the worse your decision looks in retrospect which just contributes to the shame spiral.
posted by jacquilynne at 4:58 AM on July 30, 2018 [42 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 4:58 AM on July 30, 2018 [42 favorites]
Visualize Donald Trump at a fancy state dinner walking up to Putin slips on a banana peel, bloodies his nose and runs off with soiled pants. Or something else wacky that can break your mind out of the cycle, "just don't think about it" does not work well. Basically leave it, don't think about it, don't punish the guy, don't punish yourself, fill your mind with other stuff. Over time it'll fade but have a distraction as stuff like that pops into the mind.
Have a canned comeback if you get asked by a third party "oh that's nothing, there was this time... ha ha, I'll have to be really drunk to tell that story..." to minimize the occurrence.
posted by sammyo at 5:10 AM on July 30, 2018
Have a canned comeback if you get asked by a third party "oh that's nothing, there was this time... ha ha, I'll have to be really drunk to tell that story..." to minimize the occurrence.
posted by sammyo at 5:10 AM on July 30, 2018
I've been there. I think a lot of us have been there. I still cringe when my brain decides to surprise me with a flashback of my own personal shame hookup at the most random moments. I mean, forget hookups I've got ex-boyfriends that I feel so stupid for ever being with. But it's part of being human and life. I think it just takes time.
posted by like_neon at 5:12 AM on July 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by like_neon at 5:12 AM on July 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
Many of us have done dubious things in the midst of divorce. Particularly involving things involving kissing strangers. Particularly when booze is involved. Be kind to yourself.
If it helps, I give myself a set number of crazy points per life event, and deduct from my total accordingly. If all you've bought with your divorce crazy points is an inappropriate make out session, then I would consider yourself on the plus side of the column.
Regarding the guy. Smile, ignore, ignore, smile. Rinse/repeat. Don't think too much about him or his motives. It doesn't matter anyhow.
posted by frumiousb at 5:21 AM on July 30, 2018 [15 favorites]
If it helps, I give myself a set number of crazy points per life event, and deduct from my total accordingly. If all you've bought with your divorce crazy points is an inappropriate make out session, then I would consider yourself on the plus side of the column.
Regarding the guy. Smile, ignore, ignore, smile. Rinse/repeat. Don't think too much about him or his motives. It doesn't matter anyhow.
posted by frumiousb at 5:21 AM on July 30, 2018 [15 favorites]
I got drunk and made out with someone totally, TOTALLY inappropriate, on the rebound from my extremely recent divorce
Hey, life can get messy. These things happen. You’ve just been through a divorce, which from my experience ranks up there in my top three “shittiest life experiences ever” and I ended up very noticeably making out with a stranger guy in a bar one night and I felt real dumb afterward and I look back now like “well, I was working some shit out, life can be strange”.
Also, during that same time I made out in an alleyway behind a bar with a professional colleague and well, we are still friends. We can laugh about it.
I think it is possible for adults to (within reason, of course) navigate casual making out without it having to be this “bad mark” on your life.
Was it embarrassing? Yes. But hey, it’s really okay. You drank and made out. You’re not alone. I’ve done this exact same thing...a lot...Shaming yourself over this is a form of self harm, please flag the shame, tell the shame you are a lovely person, then give yourself some attention and self care. That may help reduce your need to find that attention from men in situations involving alcohol.
posted by nikaspark at 5:25 AM on July 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
Hey, life can get messy. These things happen. You’ve just been through a divorce, which from my experience ranks up there in my top three “shittiest life experiences ever” and I ended up very noticeably making out with a stranger guy in a bar one night and I felt real dumb afterward and I look back now like “well, I was working some shit out, life can be strange”.
Also, during that same time I made out in an alleyway behind a bar with a professional colleague and well, we are still friends. We can laugh about it.
I think it is possible for adults to (within reason, of course) navigate casual making out without it having to be this “bad mark” on your life.
Was it embarrassing? Yes. But hey, it’s really okay. You drank and made out. You’re not alone. I’ve done this exact same thing...a lot...Shaming yourself over this is a form of self harm, please flag the shame, tell the shame you are a lovely person, then give yourself some attention and self care. That may help reduce your need to find that attention from men in situations involving alcohol.
posted by nikaspark at 5:25 AM on July 30, 2018 [8 favorites]
Hey, add me to the list of people who have made stupid divorce-related decisions regarding drinking and smooching. It was embarrassing but 12 years later it's faded to the same level of embarrassment as my 80's era hair or my early voting history.
You already did the hard part of talking it out with the other smoocher. Now you can just put that incident in a box and walk away from it for a few years. It'll get better.
posted by kimberussell at 5:31 AM on July 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
You already did the hard part of talking it out with the other smoocher. Now you can just put that incident in a box and walk away from it for a few years. It'll get better.
posted by kimberussell at 5:31 AM on July 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
...or my early voting history.
oof.
If it’s any consolation, anonymous poster, as the years move on from my divorce, I feel way worse about voting for Andre Marrou in 1992 than I do about any embarrassing “post divorce making out” that occurred.
posted by nikaspark at 5:54 AM on July 30, 2018 [7 favorites]
oof.
If it’s any consolation, anonymous poster, as the years move on from my divorce, I feel way worse about voting for Andre Marrou in 1992 than I do about any embarrassing “post divorce making out” that occurred.
posted by nikaspark at 5:54 AM on July 30, 2018 [7 favorites]
Oh wow, who amongst us hasn't had a similar hook up?
Stop. Stop beating your self up. That's not going to make you feel any better. Give it time. Every day that goes by the incident will not fade from memory, but you'll feel differently about it. In a month you'll be laughing your butt off. Trust me, trust the others here who have had the same hook up. We all survived, so will you.
Good luck.
posted by james33 at 6:03 AM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
Stop. Stop beating your self up. That's not going to make you feel any better. Give it time. Every day that goes by the incident will not fade from memory, but you'll feel differently about it. In a month you'll be laughing your butt off. Trust me, trust the others here who have had the same hook up. We all survived, so will you.
Good luck.
posted by james33 at 6:03 AM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
Call up a friend and make plans, ASAP. Tell him/her what happened, make it not a "BIG DARK SECRET". They'll understand, and probably tell you their own story of something similar. It's totally OK. You'll get over this, probably sooner than you think.
(I've told this story here before: I made out with a co-worker whose wife was pregnant while at afterwork cocktails, so a lot of our coworkers were there, including my mom, who saw everything. And then drove my dumb drunk ass home (I lived with my parents at the time). Not my finest hour, but I stayed at that job for 13ish more years, so no real harm. I think even my mom's let that one go.)
posted by Fig at 6:36 AM on July 30, 2018 [17 favorites]
(I've told this story here before: I made out with a co-worker whose wife was pregnant while at afterwork cocktails, so a lot of our coworkers were there, including my mom, who saw everything. And then drove my dumb drunk ass home (I lived with my parents at the time). Not my finest hour, but I stayed at that job for 13ish more years, so no real harm. I think even my mom's let that one go.)
posted by Fig at 6:36 AM on July 30, 2018 [17 favorites]
The first episode of the podcast Love Letters discusses this exact thing, along with reasons for it. It might help you put it into perspective.
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 7:07 AM on July 30, 2018
posted by I'm Not Even Supposed To Be Here Today! at 7:07 AM on July 30, 2018
It's called a Palate Cleanser and everyone deserves one!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:07 AM on July 30, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:07 AM on July 30, 2018 [10 favorites]
I agree with all the posters above - EVERYONE has some version of this, and the acute shame and embarrassment will absolutely fade over time.
If you're able - and this is a big if, because shame is hard to overcome - try to reframe the incident into something that maybe you're not especially proud of, but was also something you actually needed to do for yourself.
Laugh about it. What happened, really?
You got drunk - big whoop.
You felt horny - big whoop.
You expressed it by kissing someone who looked good in the moment. Again, big whoop.
Did you kill someone in a drunk driving accident? No.
Did you get pregnant? No.
Did you rape someone? No.
Was it your boss, or your best friend's husband, or someone who could really impact your life beyond some embarrassment? No.
There is no shame in doing what you did - expressing your desire and sexuality. Honestly, it might even have been exactly what you needed. If this is the worst you do after a completely excruciating experience like divorce, you are lucky.
You've got this. You're a grown-ass woman in charge of your own sexuality, you broke no laws and did nothing wrong. And then find your bad self someone even better to hook up with. Own it!
posted by widdershins at 9:48 AM on July 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
If you're able - and this is a big if, because shame is hard to overcome - try to reframe the incident into something that maybe you're not especially proud of, but was also something you actually needed to do for yourself.
Laugh about it. What happened, really?
You got drunk - big whoop.
You felt horny - big whoop.
You expressed it by kissing someone who looked good in the moment. Again, big whoop.
Did you kill someone in a drunk driving accident? No.
Did you get pregnant? No.
Did you rape someone? No.
Was it your boss, or your best friend's husband, or someone who could really impact your life beyond some embarrassment? No.
There is no shame in doing what you did - expressing your desire and sexuality. Honestly, it might even have been exactly what you needed. If this is the worst you do after a completely excruciating experience like divorce, you are lucky.
You've got this. You're a grown-ass woman in charge of your own sexuality, you broke no laws and did nothing wrong. And then find your bad self someone even better to hook up with. Own it!
posted by widdershins at 9:48 AM on July 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
Unless "totally inappropriate" means "someone I have supervisory authority over" or "someone who I know is partnered," I don't see anything here to be ashamed of. Gently ask yourself why you have to consider an expression of desire or sexuality "degrading." This is not high school, you don't have to be embarrassed about letting a boy get to second base. You didn't somehow cede him power; he didn't score points on you. If he keeps trying to talk about or refer to it, feel free to shut him down coolly.
Also, everyone above is right; on the scale of divorce craziness I've witnessed, this is nothing. Really. Go easy on yourself.
posted by praemunire at 10:02 AM on July 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
Also, everyone above is right; on the scale of divorce craziness I've witnessed, this is nothing. Really. Go easy on yourself.
posted by praemunire at 10:02 AM on July 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
Good advice above, and keep in mind that if this happened this weekend, and there was more than a little alcohol involved, you might still be feeling some of the psychological after-effects of the drinking, which for me have historically included increased anxiety and catastrophizing about every single one of my actions the night(s) before.
posted by stellaluna at 10:20 AM on July 30, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by stellaluna at 10:20 AM on July 30, 2018 [9 favorites]
As you can see above, all people have been through this. It's been through experiences like this that I've learned so many lessons about how to be a good person! So don't worry, just learn from this. And yes, I do think post-alcohol depressive feelings may be in play here...additionally, at least it was just makin' out. Some of us have done worse.
posted by stinkyspoons at 10:55 AM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by stinkyspoons at 10:55 AM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Hopefully, you are already feeling better now. I came in thinking this is something I am an expert in, since I was practically Bridget Jones during the first couple of years after my divorce. But it turns out everybody knows.
The thing is, this is in no way a bad thing. When I turned 50, I didn't feel like giving a party, because I had some big job-issues. But I did give a public reception, and almost everyone I've ever kissed turned up. It was so sweet to realize that they all saw it as a romantic moment, regardless of how boozy and stupid their particular kiss had been. And then I realized I felt the same way about them. I never wanted a relationship with Mr. Mop, but in retrospect, I did feel our little moment was nice and good. Even though it was embarrassing and problematic right after it happened.
You just need to get old ;-)
posted by mumimor at 12:24 PM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
The thing is, this is in no way a bad thing. When I turned 50, I didn't feel like giving a party, because I had some big job-issues. But I did give a public reception, and almost everyone I've ever kissed turned up. It was so sweet to realize that they all saw it as a romantic moment, regardless of how boozy and stupid their particular kiss had been. And then I realized I felt the same way about them. I never wanted a relationship with Mr. Mop, but in retrospect, I did feel our little moment was nice and good. Even though it was embarrassing and problematic right after it happened.
You just need to get old ;-)
posted by mumimor at 12:24 PM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
You are allowed to drink and commit carnal errors like any other grown adult.
I've learnt to shut down shame over mistakes with "Can't change the past-- only the future."
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:37 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've learnt to shut down shame over mistakes with "Can't change the past-- only the future."
posted by Pallas Athena at 12:37 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've experienced this (drunken bar hookup post-serious relationship) and it's been 1.) Catastrophizing constant negative thoughts the following morning 2.) Alcohol-induced shame/depression. It tends to fade over the hours 25-48 with sometimes thinking, "Wow, I am such a fucking idiot." for the following week-ish. I think the few times it's happened that I felt so much better in day 2 is why alcohol was to blame for spiraling my thoughts.
I'm a man who was getting over an engagement ending so it definitely hits both sexes. Definitely be getting all the sleep you can right now. You're not a bad person in any way, you're just a person fumbling through life like we all are and that's perfectly alright.
The best outcome for me when this happened was teaching me that no matter how horny/drunk/stupid my brain wants me to be, there is a LARGE part of me that doesn't want to do that or act that way. So I (mostly!) don't anymore. I needed the experiences to learn from.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:06 PM on July 30, 2018
I'm a man who was getting over an engagement ending so it definitely hits both sexes. Definitely be getting all the sleep you can right now. You're not a bad person in any way, you're just a person fumbling through life like we all are and that's perfectly alright.
The best outcome for me when this happened was teaching me that no matter how horny/drunk/stupid my brain wants me to be, there is a LARGE part of me that doesn't want to do that or act that way. So I (mostly!) don't anymore. I needed the experiences to learn from.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 1:06 PM on July 30, 2018
Without knowing the particulars, I would say most people in my friend circle have a story like yours. As for me, I once did more than make out (hands were involved—eek) in semi-public following a tough heartbreak; someone took photos (I saw the flash, but have no idea who took them); the guy was a stranger and had a terrible personality, from what I remember; I was very, very drunk.
As others have said, the hangover-induced depression made it even more mortifying. But now, a decade out, it's a funny anecdote—if that. Actually I haven't thought or talked about it in a really long time.
Point is, cut yourself some slack. If the people in your life are good friends, they will understand your heartbreak-induced motivations, too.
posted by gold bridges at 1:43 PM on July 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
As others have said, the hangover-induced depression made it even more mortifying. But now, a decade out, it's a funny anecdote—if that. Actually I haven't thought or talked about it in a really long time.
Point is, cut yourself some slack. If the people in your life are good friends, they will understand your heartbreak-induced motivations, too.
posted by gold bridges at 1:43 PM on July 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think it's pretty natural for people to want to feel loved, and sexy, and in control after a big romantic bust up.
Getting drunk lowers ours inhibitions so the need can express itself more clearly. You're never "too old" for this feeling, and you can't "know better" then your feelings.
I'd be grateful this one stopped at a kiss and the fall out seems very minor.
Regarding the guy, I would be wary of projecting your feelings of shame etc onto him. This is someone you'll see very frequently, if you rewrite his personality into something more negative, you'll be dealing with it for a long time. He probably didn't change much in 24 hours, be kind to yourself and him, it will help things go back to normal faster.
posted by smoke at 2:07 PM on July 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
Getting drunk lowers ours inhibitions so the need can express itself more clearly. You're never "too old" for this feeling, and you can't "know better" then your feelings.
I'd be grateful this one stopped at a kiss and the fall out seems very minor.
Regarding the guy, I would be wary of projecting your feelings of shame etc onto him. This is someone you'll see very frequently, if you rewrite his personality into something more negative, you'll be dealing with it for a long time. He probably didn't change much in 24 hours, be kind to yourself and him, it will help things go back to normal faster.
posted by smoke at 2:07 PM on July 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
has some exaggerated ideas about how I came onto him
I mean, wasn't there some study that proved men generally exaggerate meaningless contact such as a stiff smile or accidental eye contact as signals a woman is dtf? I'm goofing on the particulars but the gist is true. So any actual signal is naturally going to blow up to EPIC proportions in his mind and ego, he can't help it, and you don't have to worry about it :)
Everyone's done this, right? Did I in my 20s SMELL MY VP'S SHIRT and ask him if I could TOUSLE HIS HAIR which by the way is so much worse than kissing because who tf does that? Yes I did, I still have a career, respect, etc.
posted by kapers at 3:07 PM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
I mean, wasn't there some study that proved men generally exaggerate meaningless contact such as a stiff smile or accidental eye contact as signals a woman is dtf? I'm goofing on the particulars but the gist is true. So any actual signal is naturally going to blow up to EPIC proportions in his mind and ego, he can't help it, and you don't have to worry about it :)
Everyone's done this, right? Did I in my 20s SMELL MY VP'S SHIRT and ask him if I could TOUSLE HIS HAIR which by the way is so much worse than kissing because who tf does that? Yes I did, I still have a career, respect, etc.
posted by kapers at 3:07 PM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
I would like to hug you.
I don't want to say we've all been there, but I've been there (and in a few circumstances, oh, I did worse than you did). I don't know how old you are, but once the relationship that took up most of my 20s ended, I had no clue how to behave in situations like this so I behaved ... inappropriately ... on so many occasions. I had literally forgotten how I was supposed to interact with people sexually (not that I ever really knew) and basically became a personification of bad choices.
But I had friends (dear loving friends) who were witness to some of this who insisted it was not a big deal, this is what people did, and I didn't need to be dramatic about it. I was no longer in high school or even college! We were adults! Sometimes we do stupid things! We will continue to do stupid things! It was all OK.
I am still close with a lot of the people who were around me at this time (or, well, even on the receiving end of some of it) and you know what? I still sometimes temporarily feel shame and embarrassment, but these people still like me! They've probably done the same or worse (before or after)! People are messy and weird and make mistakes. I take comfort in their empathy and understanding. If they could extend that to me, I could extend it to myself.
You are fine. This whole thing is fine. You can feel bad about it, but I promise you, it's not a big deal! No one else thinks it's a big deal (and if they do, they're jerks and just looking for gossip and drama). Yeah, the hangover angst (it's a thing!) can last for a bit, but trust me, you're way more worried about this than anyone else is.
posted by darksong at 5:33 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't want to say we've all been there, but I've been there (and in a few circumstances, oh, I did worse than you did). I don't know how old you are, but once the relationship that took up most of my 20s ended, I had no clue how to behave in situations like this so I behaved ... inappropriately ... on so many occasions. I had literally forgotten how I was supposed to interact with people sexually (not that I ever really knew) and basically became a personification of bad choices.
But I had friends (dear loving friends) who were witness to some of this who insisted it was not a big deal, this is what people did, and I didn't need to be dramatic about it. I was no longer in high school or even college! We were adults! Sometimes we do stupid things! We will continue to do stupid things! It was all OK.
I am still close with a lot of the people who were around me at this time (or, well, even on the receiving end of some of it) and you know what? I still sometimes temporarily feel shame and embarrassment, but these people still like me! They've probably done the same or worse (before or after)! People are messy and weird and make mistakes. I take comfort in their empathy and understanding. If they could extend that to me, I could extend it to myself.
You are fine. This whole thing is fine. You can feel bad about it, but I promise you, it's not a big deal! No one else thinks it's a big deal (and if they do, they're jerks and just looking for gossip and drama). Yeah, the hangover angst (it's a thing!) can last for a bit, but trust me, you're way more worried about this than anyone else is.
posted by darksong at 5:33 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
You're not an idiot, you're just understandably confused and vulnerable.
posted by HotToddy at 9:04 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by HotToddy at 9:04 PM on July 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by RainyJay at 4:54 AM on July 30, 2018 [4 favorites]