Trouble dealing with rejection

February 12, 2006 7:53 PM

I have problems dealing with rejection.

Every time i get rejected by girls it causes big depression-related problems for me. For 3-14 days i sometimes miss work, drink a lot, shut myself off, stop being productive, and just generally lose all confidence. I haven't given up on asking girls out, but at the same time, these rock bottom periods are really taking a toll on me.

I've been on medication for 6 or 7 months that has helped, but this is still my biggest problem. I'm going to my doctor next week, but i was looking for some personal advice and experiences.

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 answers total)

It is interesting how being turned down for a date causes such big problems for you. Sorry to hear you take it so hard.

Maybe it's your approach to women that needs work---that is, you set yourself up for depression by getting your expectations unrealistically high for any given girl. Are you asking girls out who are out of your league? Are you giving them the creeps by the way you ask them out?

Give us more detail, if you can. Are these girls that you develop deep crushes on, over a period of time, then finally muster the courage to ask them out?
posted by jayder at 8:16 PM on February 12, 2006

Wow that's pretty bad. I am usually just pissy for a day, if that.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is probably the direction to go with in this situation, and it's probably where your doctor will start.

If I may suggest for future reference the "just talking" approach. It isn't exactly CBT but it is close. The idea is that is really easy to build a situation up in your mind into something that both doesn't relate to reality and puts more stress on you than it needs to.

When you are talking to someone else, with an objective in mind, instead of focusing on what you are going to do and what is going to happen, focus on the conversation. In effect forget about your object and let the conversation flow. Your pitch should come as a surprise to you because the flow of the conversation will dictate when it occurs, rather than you trying to shape the conversation around the objective. If they say no, it doesn't matter because you weren't pitching a deal or asking them out, you were "just talking."

The other idea that comes to mind is kind of the opposite of the first. Don't ever plan on hitting something on your first shot. Plan on taking at least two shots and hitting on your second. These two shots, in sales, could occur in the same conversation. In your personal life, though, you should probably try two separate conversations.

The goal with both these approaches is to minimize the stress of the conversation on you and the importance of the response to you.
posted by 517 at 8:59 PM on February 12, 2006

I am not a medical doctor, but this totally sounds like a situation that cognitive therapy fits. It works wonders with phobias, irrational fears, etc.
posted by craniac at 9:06 PM on February 12, 2006

A long time ago, I read an article about dating and success rates in "normal guys" and "ladies men", and it was pretty damned interesting.

The author of the article, a rather average looking guy working for the magazine it was in, was sent to a variety of bars with these simple instructions:
- Find a table of all girls
- Ensure that at least one seat is available
- Ask "Would you ladies mind if I sat down?" and introduce yourself

It turned out that this normal/average looking guy was just as "successful" with women as his "ladies man" counterpart.

The upshot: Both the average guy and the ladies man guy got rejected roughly 9 out of 10 times -- ladies men just try harder and ask out (and get rejected by) more women.

The point of telling you this: EVERYONE gets rejected - I know it's hard not to be upset about it when it happens to you, but you shouldn't take it to heart. Even great looking guys who look like they get tons of girls, for the most part, get rejected a lot too.

Still, if it's affecting you to the point of physical illness, missing work, etc - you should most certainly consider therapy.
posted by twiggy at 9:28 PM on February 12, 2006 [1 favorite]

Are you doing something else besides medication? e.g. cognitive behaviour therapy. Medication helps but when I was extremely depressed I also needed a deeper explanation for the way I was feeling, beyond a chemical imbalance or whatever.

I had a similar problem with consistently falling for straight guys (I'm a guy). To be fair on myself, they were generally good friends who were amicable to receiving my attention, but even so, I had this self-defeating fascination with unobtainable men that was just the last thing I needed when I was already very depressed. Since more often than not I knew these guys and had opportunities to interact with them, I became hypersensitive to their reaction to me, with the result that a refusal to go to coffee because they were busy could knock me out for days. (It also worked the other way - I would misinterpret their friendly gestures as definite signs of romantic interest, and develop an entire fantasy of our future life together, which of course only made rejection hurt more.)

When I went to cognitive behaviour therapy, one of the first things the psychologist had me do was to keep a "mood diary" where I kept track of any negative or positive thoughts I had, and the triggers that had set them off. It turned out that the errors in judgement and thinking which were making my infatuations such a big deal also affected almost all my other interpersonal relationships - it was just that the romantic/erotic ones were the most obvious ones for me to dwell on. It really opened my eyes to how depression wasn't just this big black cloud above me that I couldn't escape, but something that I could manage by making a few changes in my life.

Anyway, the end result (that's most applicable to your situation) is that I'm a lot better at self-assessing my own feelings towards some guy (or girl) before I jump off the deep end emotionally and convince myself that they alone are my one chance of true happiness. I realise that sure, Mr X is very attractive & often charming, but he's also married with children & in fact there are several things about him I find quite irritating & our personalities frequently clash - before therapy/medication my thought patterns were "god you're gorgeous & you just smiled at me, that must mean you secretly adore me!" I don't completely repress all my romantic emotions - unavailability seems to be a major turn-on for me - but I'm a lot more realistic about what the outcome might be. Kind of like the difference between someone who has a pin-up on their wall that they look at for kicks from time to time, and a celebrity stalker.
posted by hgws at 10:50 PM on February 12, 2006

If you were my friend telling this to me I'd make sure you recognized just this one point:

Rejection is just rejection. It is not a comment on you personally. It is not a decision about your general worthiness, your sexiness, your personality. It just means that she doesn't think you'd make a good couple. Think about it: if you went out with her despite her hesitance you'd break up anyway.

Basically, what twiggy said. Everyone gets rejected. 'Studs' get rejected more often. A 'more fish in the sea' attitude can do wonders.

Also, what jayder asked, consider if these are "girls that you develop deep crushes on, over a period of time, then finally muster the courage to ask them out?" Because obsessive-crushing followed by finally, eventually asking is a well known pattern, a pattern that will run you into emotional ditches. But if your continued asking out of other people means you're still going out on dates and have a normal social life besides the response-to-rejection thing, then yeah, I'd try therapy.
posted by Firas at 10:58 PM on February 12, 2006

You suffer from the disease of abnormal expectations. The difference between success and failure in any endeavor is a product of expectations. The most successful people in this world are the most tremendous failures. The least successful hardly ever fail because they never try. You are not judged by the number of times you fail, only by the number of times you succeed. Take this quote from Ulysses and pin it to your wall.

A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are portals of discovery.

Strengthen your weaknesses and lead with your strengths. The more you see this as a project with incremental growth and not a zero sum game the more you will enjoy the hunt.
posted by any major dude at 6:12 AM on February 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

Uh, maybe you should stop asking women out. Seriously. If rejection causes you to go on a two week drinking binge then it's safe to say you have more than a bit of "trouble" dealing with rejection. The stuff'll probably kill you. Declare yourself single for the next however months and don't ask any women out at all, no matter how tempting the situation might be. Work out. Pick up some hobbies. Travel. Take all the pressure off, understand that it's indeed quite possible to be quite happy alone, and appreciate the fact that whether anybody recognizes it or not you're quite the catch. I don't mean you should swear off women, in fact I'd recommend just the opposite. Make some women friends and generally try to spend time with them in non-romantic, high-tension situations (i.e. not dates, bars, clubs, etc). I don't think you'd stake so much on a single woman's rejection if you understood that most women are like most men: not anything special and certainly not worth worrying about.
posted by nixerman at 7:02 AM on February 13, 2006

hgws: I'd be interested in hearing a bit more about your experience with CBT. If you're willing, could you send a quick note to the email in my profile?
posted by Miko at 8:19 AM on February 13, 2006

As someone who went through his own rejection problems, my advice to you, in all seriousness, is to stop trying. This isn't a case of getting back on a horse that threw you. Because everytime you try, you're making your situation worse.

I think once you get it out of your head that you 'need' a girlfriend, you'll be much happier on your own. Spend time by yourself. Concentrate on work, whatever. Make yourself a better, more interesting, more successful person. Learn a skill, get a hobby. Get GOOD at something, anything.

If you have to, find some new friends. If you've been tagged as the 'geek' or a 'loser' by your social circle, that might be seriously hampering your ability to start a relationship with somebody new. I'm not saying to just dump your current social circle, but look for a way to expand it or meet new people so you can start fresh.

It might take years, but someday you'll look back and wonder why you ever had these problems to begin with.
posted by empath at 8:47 AM on February 13, 2006

Stop asking women out. Instead, find out about an activity they are interested in and say "hey, I heard you were into blah - want to go this weekend to blah?". Don't overtly ask someone out.
posted by xammerboy at 9:42 AM on February 13, 2006

As a woman, I'd just like to say that persistence is apparently underrated. By that I mean persistence with the same girl. My father always said "Persistence is the key to success." He also said "The first step to success is believing that you can." These 2 ideas were drilled into my head and I'm thankful for that....

I'm not suggesting pestering a girl - it's not about pressing the point of her going out with you so much, but flirting with confidence until she thinks of you another way. And of course, if she seems more annoyed than anything else, back off. There have been men who I'd normally rule out dating (via my rule of "if his breasts are bigger than mine, no way") who have caught my attention by flirting repeatedly and I spent time with them on dates and had fun and even felt sexual desire for them at some points. This was back when I was really hot and worked out all the time and they were definitely "out of my league." (Though, they never got any physical action primarily because I already played the role of Rescuer of Painfully Shy/Inexperienced Guys in high school and wasn't up for that again). On that note, maybe the woman who is into that role will be the one for you one day.

I think you should probably spend some time building UP your confidence (self-assuredness) though, before you get to that point. I like the other suggestions to perhaps take some time off and seek therapy and/or relinquishing your 'need' of a woman to feel like your worth is validated. It sounds like you need to practice giving yourself validation instead of seeking it elsewhere.

Also, if you're the kind of guy who's never been on a date, you could audition for Beauty and the Geek. ;)

One other thing: This is getting into spiritual beliefs, but I generally believe that on some level, everything that happens, happens for a reason, and was meant to happen. I'm not talking about a rigid pre-determined life that negates free will, but it's a belief I choose in order to omit worry. With this belief you can approach women and not worry about the outcome because you feel a sense of serenity that for whatever reason this was meant to happen this way and not sweat it. Sometimes one door closes to open another.
posted by mojabunni at 9:51 AM on February 13, 2006

Whilst you certainly have no requirement to answer this question, anon, I wonder if you are the same anon who posted this question.

Whether you are or you aren't, I stand by this comment I made in that thread. Don't punish yourself for the decisions of others. It'll just make you feel worse and will ultimately mean nothing to them. I learned this the hard way, believe me.

Rejection sucks, no doubt about it. But as hard as it is to accept when you're caught up in the moment, the old saying that for every "no" you're getting closer to that "yes" is very true. The "no's" hurt alot, I know. But take it from someone who has suffered through a hell of a lot of "no's" and is now in a happy long term relationship because of a "yes"... that "yes" feels so good, you almost completely forget about all them "no's"

But all in all, I second what others have thus far said, having said much the same in another thread once before; be comfortable with yourself first, and stop looking completely until you are. Once you're comfortable with yourself, you'll be ready to look, and you'll handle those rejections all the better. And as I said in the last comment of mine I linked to, for some reason, when you really aren't looking, sometimes love finds you. Strange but true...
posted by Effigy2000 at 7:29 PM on February 13, 2006

It sucks to get rejected. It never feels OK.

I have treated it like looking for a job. Somehow, you will find someone with whom there is a fit.

If it helps, I feel that it's OK to mope a bit when you get dumped or turned down. If you have some friends with whom you can share this, it might make it a bit easier. . .plus, try to see the (albeit rueful) humor in whatever situations there are. . .

Good luck!
posted by Danf at 11:03 AM on February 14, 2006