How to stop being controlling over boyfriend?

July 26, 2018 10:33 PM

Am I controlling or he is to avoidant?

Hi folks,

Me and my bf have been dating for 6 months, I take care of his every need from school work to career path.

I am very tired of doing that but don't know how to stop, because 1. every time when he asking help from me I felt bad if I say no, and 2. scared he will reach out to others and develop dependency on others.

His is a people pleaser and expolited by a lot of his friend, that's 3 I don't want him to reach out to people who can hurt him.

But he often don't do what he suppose to do or what I think he suppose to do: e.g. he's graduationit's in December and have to do articling which suppose to start in Sepetember, our plan was he find a job in downtown and we can move in with his new-car money.

But instead moving with me, after I typed his cover letter and resume, he didn't apply anything, change his mind to buy a new car and stayed at his old place. (His friend ca n locate him somewhere for sure).

And when I ask him to give a clear answer whether he want to move in with me or not , he's saying "I want to but I don't want to stuck with the old car. what can I do help me find a job in downtown."

I felt so destroyed now, after 6- month invested into this relationship and gaven so many hopes from him, I love him but can someboy slap me awake and tell me the reality please please!

posted by dadaxiang1204 to Human Relations (34 answers total)

Response by poster: Just to clarify I am gonna take care of the big part of the fiance if we move in together since I work.
posted by dadaxiang1204 at 10:34 PM on July 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

Why the heck are you doing everything for him? He’s a grown man! And why would you want him to move in with you if you’re so tired and don’t want the behaviour to continue, you’ll just be looking after him around the clock then. So. Here’s what you do.

Step 1) Break up with him, tell him to grow up, find his own damn job and tell him you have no interest in being someone’s mother.

Step 2) Take some time to reflect on why you’re so busy looking after someone else’s needs, you can’t even look after your own by, I don’t know, asking that an adult man types his own CV and buys his own car. Consider therapy.

Step 3) Don’t date again until you build up your own self esteem and when you do, look for someone who invests as much into you as they expect you to do for them.
posted by Jubey at 10:49 PM on July 26, 2018 [59 favorites]

It's not fair of your boyfriend to rely entirely on you for help. Sure, partners can give each other some support and favors, but people need a variety of sources to get their needs met. Some people legitimately find job searching more difficult than the average person, but for people like him and me, there are career services, websites, books, etc. For example, some of the libraries in my city offer career help, and there are also a few agencies that do nothing but career help. Since he has let you take care of his every need, though, and for so long, at this point, it might not benefit you to try to salvage the relationship.
posted by Psychology Hearts at 10:56 PM on July 26, 2018 [1 favorite]

Oh! And he doesn’t even have money or a job so you’ll be stuck paying for everything?!! Don’t you dare move in with him. Run, run like the wind or you’ll have your very own manchild to feed and raise forever.
posted by Jubey at 10:57 PM on July 26, 2018 [28 favorites]

Nope! There's nothing good in this post, and you aren't happy. He is using you. Break up with him.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 11:03 PM on July 26, 2018 [9 favorites]

I don't think you controlling is the right way to look at it. He seems unambitious and is mooching off you, you seem to have fallen in to more of a parental role than equal partner. It doesn't seem a good match - perhaps look for someone who already has their shit together
posted by JonB at 11:11 PM on July 26, 2018 [9 favorites]

This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. Please end it now and spend some time thinking about why you would do so much to manage the life of a grown man. These are not good boundaries. It won't get better and he'll continue to take advantage of you.
posted by quince at 11:25 PM on July 26, 2018 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Do you want a little kid?
Because that‘s what you have - a little kid.

He‘s using you. That‘s on him.
You‘re staying with him. That‘s on you.

Without you, he would find someone else to mooch off and use. Is that such a great prize? Is he making you happy? It doesn‘t sound like it. He would make nobody happy. Whoever ends up being the next person stuck with him will feel just like you do now. Make peace with losing him and wish the next person luck. He‘s not going to clean up his act magically. There‘s nothing you can do to make him.

He‘d a manbaby, looking for the next generous woman to suck dry.

Next step: Lose that baby. Use the time to think about why you felt you could help him live by doing everything for him. That‘s not how love works. Maybe you‘ve seen others live like that in your family or something? Maybe you feel like a man who needs you would be more likely to love you? Again, that‘s not how love works. Maybe really have a think about what led you personally to this unhappy state. It‘s not necessary,

You can do so much better. You‘ve got it all together: A job, a generous an loving personality, a practical mind. Believe in yourself. You deserve a man at least as good as you!
posted by Omnomnom at 11:33 PM on July 26, 2018 [12 favorites]

Date someone closer to your level of maturity. It's only been six months - don't invest more time into a relationship that is doomed to fail. Don't stay with someone that you can't respect and that you feel like you have to treat like a child. You may love him, but you don't respect him. He has his own growing that he needs to do, but that's not your responsibility.
posted by acidnova at 11:57 PM on July 26, 2018

People like this do not become less dependent on their partners. They get more dependent. They will wreck you mentally, emotionally, and financially, and will require you to do more and more for them until one day you wake up and realize there's nothing left of you.

Please please please break up with this person now. He may not be a bad person, and you may love him. But you deserve better.
posted by tiger tiger at 1:13 AM on July 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

This person will suck you dry of everything - your money, time, resources, hope, and sanity - and then blame you for it all. He is likely an unreliable narrator when it comes to how other people "exploit" his "kindness" so he can use it as a tool to get more from you. Us people commenting that you should leave KNOW this because we've likely BEEN in this. Do not be us. Get out now. Date people who are full adults that can reasonably take care of themselves.
posted by Crystalinne at 1:23 AM on July 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

Am I controlling or he is to avoidant?

Neither. He is a mooching man-baby and you're enabling him and losing yourself in the process.

I get it, you care about the guy and you don't want him to get taken advantage of. But this is not your responsibility. If anything, you are teaching him to further depend on others for support, making him even more vulnerable.

after I typed his cover letter and resume

Jesus Christ. Please please dump him and find an adult to date.

slap me awake and tell me the reality please please!

Consider yourself slapped. But seriously, you deserve better than this. Free yourself.
posted by like_neon at 3:31 AM on July 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

It doesn't sound like this relationship is making you very happy or that you can see a future where he steps up to be a full partner. It's hard to imagine any way that staying in this relationship would be the best outcome for you.

Are you open to therapy? Could help you work on setting boundaries and finding healthier relationships.
posted by bunderful at 4:25 AM on July 27, 2018

Wow. Are you Chinese? You sound Chinese. I'm ethnically Chinese, and every time I read your Ask posts, they're all I can think about for a good hour afterwards. I've never left a comment, because I'm not sure what to say to make your pain better, when I have seen my mother go through this for 40 years with my father, who rewarded her for taking care of him in this absolute way by devaluing the work she did, having contempt for her, and ultimately having a crush on her best friend. It broke her.

My mother could've written this post or anyone do your posts about your boyfriend. She could have written them at 20, at 30, at 40, at 50, with only minor adjustment or the nouns, and the fact that after 10 years, it became clear that the relationship had developed into a physically, emotionally, verbally abusive one.

So. Yeah. I think this goes even if you aren't Chinese, but especially if you are: las the daughter of parents whose dynamic in their early twenties was uncannily like yours and your boyfriend's, down to the controlling behavior, and resulted in a daughter and a family dynamic scarred for a lifetime because of it, I encourage you not to give into the cultural impulses that say this kind of love and support and yes, incredibly controlling behavior are the truest expression of love.

Love yourself too.
posted by joyceanmachine at 4:50 AM on July 27, 2018 [39 favorites]

can someboy slap me awake and tell me the reality please please!

But people here have advised you break up with him for six months now. You've asked at least 4 variations of this exact same question and every single time, you're advised to break up. Perhaps you should do some thinking about why you won't and why you're staying in this terrible relationship and asking for advice you're not taking.

Listen to the advice you've been given for six months straight and break up already. There isn't much else anyone can say.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:57 AM on July 27, 2018 [47 favorites]

honestly, are you getting anything out of this relationship? it really sounds like you're setting up an adoption (him moving in) rather than spending time in a relationship with a mature adult who can handle his own damn stuff.
posted by speakeasy at 5:17 AM on July 27, 2018

Ask yourself why you haven’t broken up with this guy already. You are getting something from this relationship, even if it is something unhealthy. What is it? What do you need to understand or hear or read in order to take care of yourself, which means breaking up with this guy?
posted by Bella Donna at 5:22 AM on July 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

I see a pattern in all your previous questions, too. You don’t like the version of yourself you become when you’re with him. You have repeatedly described feeling a sense of bewilderment at your own actions and feelings around him (HUGE red flag). And yet you are not only not breaking up, you’re waiting on him hand and foot and trying to create an even stronger commitment with him. Why?

Hold out for someone who appreciates you brings out the best in you.
posted by lieber hair at 5:30 AM on July 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

Am I controlling

he's controlling you. and he's not even working hard to do it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:52 AM on July 27, 2018 [21 favorites]

Dang I’ve just gone back to your previous questions. You were in an abusive relationship before this one and the last 5 questions you’ve posted are about this dude. Dump him like yesterday. You’re going down a bad road. Don’t date anyone for a while. You seem considerate and intelligent so I’m not gonna say “work on yourself” but I do think you need to put in some time to think about how you can spot red flags in future boyfriends faster and drop them from the get go.
posted by like_neon at 5:54 AM on July 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

Everyone is telling you to break up with him and I agree.

But if you don't listen to us, don't move in with him. He sounds awful to live with.
posted by k8t at 6:33 AM on July 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

Points 1 - 3 can begin to be dealt with by walking away, going no contact, and taking a break from dating for awhile. Of course that will be HARD. I get it, but if you stick with it, that will not only create a space for you to look at the stuff within you that's keeping you hooked into dysfunctional, codependent relationships, it will also gradually transform that stuff because you are no longer engaging in actions that allow you to self avoid and only reinforce the dysfunctional, codependent tendencies.

For example, dealing with point #1 of feeling bad when you say no is by saying no, turning to face the feelings you have about that, and working through them, rather than jumping into something that's only going to allow you to avoid that for awhile. Also, and this is going to sound harsh, 2 and 3 are not really your problem. He's got his own codependent, dysfunctional stuff that he's never going to look at and work on as long as people are enabling him. You are not doing him or yourself any favors by enabling that.
posted by jazzbaby at 6:48 AM on July 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

You are already getting a lot of good advice up-thread. I just want to add:

1) If it somehow feels incredibly painful and hard to extract yourself from this situation, which you sound like you already know is not at all good for you, KNOW THAT THE PAINFUL FEELING NOT UNUSUAL, and that it is okay to feel this way. And your brain is hardwired to avoid pain, so you will be tempted to not do what you know is good for you. DO IT ANYWAY.

2) Take the move in money, DON'T MOVE IN, and use that get yourself psychodynamic therapy.

I say this as someone who's spent her 20s in an endless string of relationships where I mothered infants trapped in adult bodies who couldn't take responsibilities for their own life, actions, emotions. I knew the pattern and hated it, but couldn't break it until therapy helped me locate the source.

I recognize the pain, exhaustion, and frustration in your post. You deserve better.
posted by atetrachordofthree at 6:48 AM on July 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Now that I'm sitting at a computer and looking at my comment above, I'm seeing a lot of typos. It's kinda embarrassing.

But please take it as a sign of how intensely I feel about what I said. I basically spent half an hour sitting in bed this morning, writing and rewriting it on my tiny tiny phone.
posted by joyceanmachine at 6:57 AM on July 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

Before you move in with him consider this, not only will you be doing those things, you'll be scrubbing his shit off your toilet & picking his stinky socks up off the floor, cooking his meals & cleaning up afterwards.

Seriously ask yourself why you think he'll leave you if you don't do these things. Either he's telling you that he'll find someone else & might leave you if you don't. In which case leave. Or you're terrified he'll leave so are controlling him to try to make sure he'll stay. In which case you need to break up with him & spend some time alone & in therapy to figure out why you're like this & work to improve it.
posted by wwax at 7:44 AM on July 27, 2018

Best answer: I think you're listening to his words but not paying attention to his actions. He is saying things to hedge his bets and avoid conflict but ultimately he does what he wants, which is stay in his place with his old car and find his own job.

Out of insecurity you are offering to mother him, but he doesn't want it and ultimately it will end on his terms, not yours. You have to have confidence in yourself. You don't need to pay a mans bills or take care of his every need in order for him to love you.

You should read He's Just Not That Into You. Look at his actions, not his words.
posted by perdhapley at 7:52 AM on July 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Some questions and thoughts:

1. What is your parents' relationship like? Are you imitating them? Are you overreacting to problems you saw in their relationship?

2. When you ask whether you're controlling or he is avoidant, the answer can be - as so often! - both. You may be drawn to each other because you have trouble letting go of control and he has trouble being responsible. In a good relationship, people bring out the best in each other; in a bad relationship, they double their problems. He's bringing out your urge to control, and you're bringing out his urge to be a man-baby.

3. People are often drawn to others who help them recapitulate bad but familiar patterns - maybe someone's parents had a bad relationship, and the children seek out partners who will create a similarly bad one because it feels familiar. Maybe someone feels that they deserve to be unhappy, or deserve a chaotic and stressful life, and they are drawn to people who will make them unhappy or create stress and chaos.

4. Sometimes the best you can do in life is to find a "healthy" version of an unhealthy pattern - like, I know someone who has a good relationship where she makes most of the decisions and manages most of the "you should write a resume now" stuff, but her partner is responsible and does what he says he will. On the one hand, this is a relationship between someone who seeks control and someone who seeks to minimize responsibility, but on the other, each person is doing a good, sincere job with their role.

5. You should break up with this guy. He's probably an improvement on your previous relationship, and that's great because it shows that you're making good choices and have picked a guy who, though flawed, is not abusive. You can move on to seek out a relationship with a guy who is both non-abusive and responsible.

6. You seem to want a serious relationship, and if that's the case you need to winnow out guys who basically don't. Someone who can't follow through on important medium-term plans is not a candidate for a serious relationship. Someone who seems reluctant to move in with you, or isn't serious about getting a job, or who otherwise isn't good to live with - those people are not candidates for serious relationships. Plenty of people need to get the "I'm going to be disorganized and sort of idle and hang out a lot" out of their systems in their twenties. That doesn't make them terrible people, but it does make them bad candidates for a serious relationship in their twenties.

7. Envision what a good man would be like and use that to guide you. Absent factors like illness, you might consider: Is he self-motivated enough to get and hold a job which pays his bills? In general, does he take care of the essentials (hygiene, fixing broken things, healthy food, cleaning his apartment) ahead of hanging out, smoking weed, playing videogames, etc? If he doesn't know how to do some basic thing, is he motivated enough and capable enough to figure it out, or does he just, eg, let mold grow in the refrigerator because he was never taught to clean it? Does he do most things before they are crises? When he plans something, is it a realistic plan or does it depend on unlikely things?

A good man doesn't need a servant or a mother to keep his life running at a reasonable level of comfort and stability. A good man is able to assess his situation with relative realism and make things happen. He doesn't need to be a millionaire or a rising star or a cordon bleu chef, but he needs to meet you as an equal.
posted by Frowner at 8:05 AM on July 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I say this is a lot in relationship questions, because it's really important, and because it took me so long to learn. Pay attention to his behavior. His words said you'd move in together, his behavior said I don't want to do that.
posted by theora55 at 8:50 AM on July 27, 2018 [12 favorites]

Best answer: This to me is the heart of it: You're "scared he will reach out to others and develop dependency on others." As in, you're scared he'll leave you and love someone else. But these are not the same. Dependency is not love. DEPENDENCY IS NOT LOVE.
posted by sestaaak at 9:11 AM on July 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

I felt so destroyed now, after 6- month invested into this relationship and gaven so many hopes from him

Please don't let the fallacy of sunken costs figure into this relationship.

In other words, just because you've given him 6 months of your life does not mean that you need to stay with him any longer. The sooner you cut the ties with him, the sooner you can find someone who is more mature and a better partner for you.

In the grand scheme of life, 6 months is not much at all. (If you're say, 22 years old, then this guy has been around for only 2.5% of your life. If you're older, then it's even less!)

Even if you had been with him for 6 years, the advice to move on would still be relevant.

DTMFA!
posted by hydra77 at 9:35 AM on July 27, 2018 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I have been in your shoes. Twice. And the one thing I wish I had known is what a healthy amount of shared labor looks like. So here goes:

Early on in our relationship, my husband (just a boyfriend at the time) lost his job. Unlike the guys I had dated before, he re-did his resume the day after he was laid off. He sent it to me to review that afternoon and by the next day, he'd applied to 4 jobs.
The day after, he filled out the paperwork to get unemployment, set up his alternate health insurance, and came over and mowed my yard because he was bored.

During the time he was unemployed, he made dinner for me, brought me lunch, and kept churning out applications like his life depended on it. He had saving so he never lived off me, but he did let me buy groceries from time to time, but he insisted that he cook the meals if I bought the food. He got a new job 6 weeks later and we ended up relocating for it. But he took care of the moving setup, asked my advice on which apartment to get, and did all the work he needed to do to set up his world.

Later, when we bought a house. He created a shared drive so we could both put in financial documents and stay in the loop. Sometimes he called the realtor, sometimes I did. It just depended on who had the free time or the answers.

This is what teamwork looks like. Sometimes he does stuff for me, because he's in the middle of it or he's got time or whatever. Sometimes I do stuff for him for the same reasons. 90% of the time, if he says he's gonna do something, he does.

You don't have to live like this. Find someone better who will actually be a partner and not a child.
posted by teleri025 at 10:52 AM on July 27, 2018 [25 favorites]

You say "six months invested" as if it's a long time. It's not. I had two relationships of 4 years each before I met and married my husband. It is completely reasonable to walk away from a 6 month relationship. In fact, when there are this many red flags this early on, you need to walk away.

You are developing a pattern of co-dependency. Maybe do some reading around this.

In short, this sounds like a nightmare. I know it's hard to end things but you really, really need to.
posted by thereader at 12:11 PM on July 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

It's only been six months, and based on your other questions, you're feeling miserable. You haven't invested anything but false hopes. Imagine what your life will be like in five years...when you are his mother. What you say you are feeling is "love". Is it? It sure isn't happiness. Would you rather have this feeling of "love" or happiness?
posted by LovingMyself at 2:08 PM on July 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: To talk like business: your boyfriend is your partner. And he is a bad partner.

Happiness in love - and business, and family - is dependent on good partners. Ok, you invest 6 months in the relationship? It's a bad investment. Time to sell.

If you stay in a bad partnership, you will be poor and unhappy.

It's better to invest in yourself, than in a bad partnership. You will be happier and richer for it. Eventually you will find a good partnership!
posted by weed donkey at 4:37 PM on July 27, 2018 [1 favorite]