How to address surprises in my ancestry?
July 20, 2018 12:17 PM Subscribe
The results of my DNA testing has revealed some shocking information that I don't know what to do with, and I'm not sure what my next steps should be. Advice, please?
If you've read some of my past comments on this MetaJourney, then you know that I am estranged from my birth mother's people, and that I don't know my father or his people.
As a sort of birthday present to myself this year, I recently did some DNA testing to find out what ethnic backgrounds I have. I was well aware going into this that I am mixed-race, but wanted to see if certain stories about my ancestry were true. I submitted samples to 23andMe and Ancestry.com a few weeks back, and the results came in, which I uploaded to GEDMatch and submitted to Family Tree DNA and My Heritage via their free autosomal acceptance programs. It didn't occur to me what else I'd find out. I signed off on the caveats and proceeded.
Aside from confirming the West African/British/Italian that I already knew of or suspected, I also discovered that I have ~40 relatives in Canada, I've got some Neanderthal going on, I have a sizable recent bit of Scandinavian happening...
...and I have possibly 3 half-sisters.
Three of these sites say so, and have supplied names and ways to message them, but no locations. Their names are common enough that a Google search gave me nothing. None of them have any African ancestry, so I know they're not from my mother's side, as she is/was definitely more than half-black, and I know who my half-siblings are from her. I say "possibly 3 half-sisters" because while it's likely that two of them are half-sisters, one may be related in some other close way.
23andMe says of one, "We predict [Match] is your Half Sister." My Heritage says the same of their match with her age range, which is 50s, so a little older than me. FamilyTree DNA says that their match shares the same number of centimorgans to indicate half-sister, aunt, niece, grandmother or granddaughter. I have no children, so granddaughter is out. It's odd to me that there is only 1 match of this level for me per site.
I'm not sure how to approach these women, much less surprise them with my existence. Their profiles are locked and have no associated family trees, but indicate they all will accept contact from people via these sites. I'm not ready to do this just yet. It's been a bit of a mind bend to actually contemplate my European ancestry as more than a theoretical construct, and now I have possibly 3 half-sisters from a man I never knew.
Yes, I'm talking to my T about the emotional implications of these discoveries, but any practical advice on how to introduce myself when I'm ready is welcome.
If you've read some of my past comments on this MetaJourney, then you know that I am estranged from my birth mother's people, and that I don't know my father or his people.
As a sort of birthday present to myself this year, I recently did some DNA testing to find out what ethnic backgrounds I have. I was well aware going into this that I am mixed-race, but wanted to see if certain stories about my ancestry were true. I submitted samples to 23andMe and Ancestry.com a few weeks back, and the results came in, which I uploaded to GEDMatch and submitted to Family Tree DNA and My Heritage via their free autosomal acceptance programs. It didn't occur to me what else I'd find out. I signed off on the caveats and proceeded.
Aside from confirming the West African/British/Italian that I already knew of or suspected, I also discovered that I have ~40 relatives in Canada, I've got some Neanderthal going on, I have a sizable recent bit of Scandinavian happening...
...and I have possibly 3 half-sisters.
Three of these sites say so, and have supplied names and ways to message them, but no locations. Their names are common enough that a Google search gave me nothing. None of them have any African ancestry, so I know they're not from my mother's side, as she is/was definitely more than half-black, and I know who my half-siblings are from her. I say "possibly 3 half-sisters" because while it's likely that two of them are half-sisters, one may be related in some other close way.
23andMe says of one, "We predict [Match] is your Half Sister." My Heritage says the same of their match with her age range, which is 50s, so a little older than me. FamilyTree DNA says that their match shares the same number of centimorgans to indicate half-sister, aunt, niece, grandmother or granddaughter. I have no children, so granddaughter is out. It's odd to me that there is only 1 match of this level for me per site.
I'm not sure how to approach these women, much less surprise them with my existence. Their profiles are locked and have no associated family trees, but indicate they all will accept contact from people via these sites. I'm not ready to do this just yet. It's been a bit of a mind bend to actually contemplate my European ancestry as more than a theoretical construct, and now I have possibly 3 half-sisters from a man I never knew.
Yes, I'm talking to my T about the emotional implications of these discoveries, but any practical advice on how to introduce myself when I'm ready is welcome.
Best answer: Speaking as someone who is adopted and might have half siblings of their own... tread carefully. A lot of these DNA companies don’t use the best techniques and your “half-siblings” may be cousins. Of course they could be siblings! And they might not want anything to do with you. Or they truly will be overjoyed! It’s an emotional roller coaster and one of the reasons I’ve never taken those tests even though they’re the only way to answer some of my questions. Good luck whichever way you choose, and yeah, therapist time.
Also congrats on being a Neanderthal now we’re cousins!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 12:29 PM on July 20, 2018 [20 favorites]
Also congrats on being a Neanderthal now we’re cousins!
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 12:29 PM on July 20, 2018 [20 favorites]
Just for clarification, were you adopted?
And thus is it possible that these potential half-siblings were also adopted or were perhaps raised by your birth parent?
I ask because I think that this would change answers versus an estrangement situation.
I looked in the old questions but I didn't see anything here.
posted by k8t at 12:54 PM on July 20, 2018
And thus is it possible that these potential half-siblings were also adopted or were perhaps raised by your birth parent?
I ask because I think that this would change answers versus an estrangement situation.
I looked in the old questions but I didn't see anything here.
posted by k8t at 12:54 PM on July 20, 2018
Best answer: I was in a similar position about 20 years ago. I'll tell you my story over email, cnichols2000 at yahoo dot com. There's a lot to think about.
posted by disconnect at 12:56 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by disconnect at 12:56 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
You might find this article from today's Seattle Times helpful, for the perspectives.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:22 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:22 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Another +1 for absolutely do not implictly trust these services to be giving you highly reliable and accurate info. These people are in the business of selling ideas not science.
posted by SaltySalticid at 1:24 PM on July 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by SaltySalticid at 1:24 PM on July 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Answering as an amateur genealogist, I'd advise you to build out your family tree as much as possible, particularly with deceased people since living people are always "locked," and then see if they contact you. I get a lot of questions from people researching just because I have set up so many connections -- they can tell that I'm into the research and likely to help. Also, it's not too unusual to get contacted via the site, something like, "Hey cousin, we have some matching DNA. Do you know what the connection is?"
posted by xo at 1:25 PM on July 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by xo at 1:25 PM on July 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Through means other than DNA tests my adopted son has recently made contact with two younger half-brothers. It's an ongoing intense experience for all three but they all express gratitude at finding each other. One grew up in foster care and group homes, and the youngest grew up mostly with their shared and recently deceased biological mother. According to this brother she tried before she died to establish contact with the other two but couldn't find them.
You cannot know in advance what kind of reaction they will have. If you have a solid emotional support system then go for it. If you don't then tread more carefully.
I did one of those DNA tests and found a cousin who was definitely a cousin, I knew of his parents, so the test showed some measure of accuracy.
posted by mareli at 1:26 PM on July 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
You cannot know in advance what kind of reaction they will have. If you have a solid emotional support system then go for it. If you don't then tread more carefully.
I did one of those DNA tests and found a cousin who was definitely a cousin, I knew of his parents, so the test showed some measure of accuracy.
posted by mareli at 1:26 PM on July 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Hi, k8t, thanks for asking!
I was not adopted out. I was born to an unwed mother who couldn't care for me, so custody was transferred to her sister when I was 3. My birth mother has never revealed to anyone how she became pregnant with me, so no man's name to go from. Even though we're estranged, I know who many of my mother's people are to about 3 generations back.
The tests seem more or lest accurate to me; my highest match on Ancestry.com is one of my maternal cousins, and he's accurately pegged as my 1st cousin. There's also quite a few matching 2nd-4th cousins' DNA overlap between Ancestry and 23andMe.
How does one go about introducing oneself, though, to these potential half-sisters from my unknown father? I don't know what to say.
posted by droplet at 1:36 PM on July 20, 2018
I was not adopted out. I was born to an unwed mother who couldn't care for me, so custody was transferred to her sister when I was 3. My birth mother has never revealed to anyone how she became pregnant with me, so no man's name to go from. Even though we're estranged, I know who many of my mother's people are to about 3 generations back.
The tests seem more or lest accurate to me; my highest match on Ancestry.com is one of my maternal cousins, and he's accurately pegged as my 1st cousin. There's also quite a few matching 2nd-4th cousins' DNA overlap between Ancestry and 23andMe.
How does one go about introducing oneself, though, to these potential half-sisters from my unknown father? I don't know what to say.
posted by droplet at 1:36 PM on July 20, 2018
I am not sure what I would do in your situation, but I feel like I would want to make awfully sure I knew more about the circumstances of my conception and of their families before I reached out to these half-sisters. If your mother never revealed the circumstances of your conception, it could have been a consensual dating relationship that soured after the pregnancy, but it could also have been an affair or a rape or any number of other scenarios. While I don't think men who skip out on their responsibilities, cheat on their wives or rape women deserve to be protected from having those secrets revealed, reaching out to the daughters seems to visit the scandal and consequence on them, rather than on the father.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:48 PM on July 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 1:48 PM on July 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
I'm going to second jacquilynne here - I'm adopted, and got a little bit of information about my biological relatives that makes me think there's a nonzero chance that my conception was not consensual. I do not want to know anything further, nor do I want to inflict that on my also-quite-probable half-siblings, if there are any. I'm available on 23andme and will respond if people reach out to me, but that's as far as I'm willing to go.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:10 PM on July 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 2:10 PM on July 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You can treat autonomous adults as adults capable of making their own decisions.
You can contact them and say you are researching your own, unclear family tree and that 23andme has suggested a close relationship you'd like to verify or eliminate with them.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:33 PM on July 20, 2018 [21 favorites]
You can contact them and say you are researching your own, unclear family tree and that 23andme has suggested a close relationship you'd like to verify or eliminate with them.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:33 PM on July 20, 2018 [21 favorites]
Best answer: I am a genealogy enthusiast and I agree with DarlingBri. They can already see how close the match is, so there is no real additional hurtful information on their end if you simply reach out and ask them for information. Based on my experience with a close, unknown match, there is definitely a significant chance that you will get no response, but it doesn't hurt to try if you accept that you may get no response right now, or may get a negative response.
As for how to reach out, most of the messages I get or send start the same way: "Hi, my name is X and Ancestry/GEDMatch/whatever shows that we share an ancestor." Then you can decide if you are comfortable saying that you don't know your paternity and ask if they are willing to work with you to find the match. Or you could be more general and say that you are just starting on your paternal family tree. They will be able to see how close the match is and infer from there.
Awkward, tricky, and potentially embarrassing discoveries are almost a dime a dozen with the popularization of consumer DNA ancestry tests. It's something that they certainly don't show in the commercials! So know that you definitely aren't alone in wondering how to start this conversation.
posted by muddgirl at 3:12 PM on July 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
As for how to reach out, most of the messages I get or send start the same way: "Hi, my name is X and Ancestry/GEDMatch/whatever shows that we share an ancestor." Then you can decide if you are comfortable saying that you don't know your paternity and ask if they are willing to work with you to find the match. Or you could be more general and say that you are just starting on your paternal family tree. They will be able to see how close the match is and infer from there.
Awkward, tricky, and potentially embarrassing discoveries are almost a dime a dozen with the popularization of consumer DNA ancestry tests. It's something that they certainly don't show in the commercials! So know that you definitely aren't alone in wondering how to start this conversation.
posted by muddgirl at 3:12 PM on July 20, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I had a very similar thing happen to me! It turns out I am donor-conceived. But my parents never told me. Crazy, eh? I have like nine half-siblings so far, and according to what we've learned from the donor (who thought he would always be anonymous!), there could be dozens more.
For myself, I was intensely curious about my origins. I spent about four days googling everything I could, and eventually reached out to one of the donor's children on Facebook, saying initially that I thought we might be related, and would she be interested in discussing that and figuring out how? Then, when she responded positively, I wrote this:
"Hi :) Well, I recently did a DNA test through 23andme. I got the results back and saw that I had a half-brother that I didn't know existed! When I asked my mom about it, she told me that she and my dad had used a sperm donor when I was conceived. I had no idea! The DNA test also showed many cousins on the paternal side. I saw that I had some cousins from a [names] line, and some more cousins from a [names] line. After doing some research, it seems like the place where those two families intersect is with [Grandpa's name] and [Grandma's name].
So this is all pretty crazy for me, but I was hoping to ask your dad if he might have been a donor at [doctor's] fertility clinic in [town] in the late 70s-early 80s. My half-brother was conceived in [year] and I was conceived in [year].
I don't know if this is as shocking for you as it has been for me -- maybe others have reached out? -- but I do want to let you know that I'm not looking for money or anything like that. I'm also happy to respect it if he would rather not have a relationship. It would be really awesome to have a chance to see whether we can confirm this or not -- and if so, to know more about any family medical issues. And if anyone would be interested in knowing more about me, maybe meeting up sometime, that would be cool too."
Basically, I was honest about what I was thinking and feeling, and tried to pre-emptively address some concerns I thought they might have. She responded really positively, and it turned out that the family was aware of the possibility of someone reaching out someday. It was indeed super terrifying to reach out, and I was worried about how I'd feel if they were to tell me to GTFO. But they didn't.
My situation is a little different from yours, but there's no real reason to expect that a grown adult wouldn't be at least mildly interested in talking to a half-sibling. I say, go for it.
posted by woodvine at 3:24 PM on July 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
For myself, I was intensely curious about my origins. I spent about four days googling everything I could, and eventually reached out to one of the donor's children on Facebook, saying initially that I thought we might be related, and would she be interested in discussing that and figuring out how? Then, when she responded positively, I wrote this:
"Hi :) Well, I recently did a DNA test through 23andme. I got the results back and saw that I had a half-brother that I didn't know existed! When I asked my mom about it, she told me that she and my dad had used a sperm donor when I was conceived. I had no idea! The DNA test also showed many cousins on the paternal side. I saw that I had some cousins from a [names] line, and some more cousins from a [names] line. After doing some research, it seems like the place where those two families intersect is with [Grandpa's name] and [Grandma's name].
So this is all pretty crazy for me, but I was hoping to ask your dad if he might have been a donor at [doctor's] fertility clinic in [town] in the late 70s-early 80s. My half-brother was conceived in [year] and I was conceived in [year].
I don't know if this is as shocking for you as it has been for me -- maybe others have reached out? -- but I do want to let you know that I'm not looking for money or anything like that. I'm also happy to respect it if he would rather not have a relationship. It would be really awesome to have a chance to see whether we can confirm this or not -- and if so, to know more about any family medical issues. And if anyone would be interested in knowing more about me, maybe meeting up sometime, that would be cool too."
Basically, I was honest about what I was thinking and feeling, and tried to pre-emptively address some concerns I thought they might have. She responded really positively, and it turned out that the family was aware of the possibility of someone reaching out someday. It was indeed super terrifying to reach out, and I was worried about how I'd feel if they were to tell me to GTFO. But they didn't.
My situation is a little different from yours, but there's no real reason to expect that a grown adult wouldn't be at least mildly interested in talking to a half-sibling. I say, go for it.
posted by woodvine at 3:24 PM on July 20, 2018 [11 favorites]
You don't have to reach out if you don't what to.
posted by fshgrl at 3:38 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by fshgrl at 3:38 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've been going through a lot of DNA drama this year because of 23andme. OMG SO MUCH DRAMA. Mr. ilovewinter matched with a half sibling. The half sibling had obviously seen the match, but didn't reach out. Instead he filled out his 23andme profile to give a little life story about himself and to say that he would love to hear from his half sibling. It was several months before we saw this DNA match and his profile, and another few months before we decided to reach out to him. But that's one option for you if you don't feel like contacting them directly. I know having that space to decide what to do was really appreciated.
The other option is: 23andme lets you "invite them to share" ancestry reports with relatives without sending a message. Another very close DNA match went that route. I got the request asking if I wanted to connect and had the option of saying yes or no without having to read any emotional message which also kinda gave me the space to think about what to do.
posted by ilovewinter at 3:58 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
The other option is: 23andme lets you "invite them to share" ancestry reports with relatives without sending a message. Another very close DNA match went that route. I got the request asking if I wanted to connect and had the option of saying yes or no without having to read any emotional message which also kinda gave me the space to think about what to do.
posted by ilovewinter at 3:58 PM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am adopted and a dna test revealed a 2nd cousin, who contacted me. I threw out numerous surnames from my mothers side who I’m in reunion with, the cousin said none of those names are familiar, and her name is unknown to me so I’m fairly certain she’s from my fathers side who is unknown to me. I haven’t dug in to look for him yet for Reasons but will one day. I’m sure there will be half sibs there. Contacting them w/a script like suggested above is my plan. I won’t be bringing them trouble or pain or shame, because they haven’t done anything wrong, nor have I. As long as I approach them respectfully and honestly I will rest easy. Don’t let fear of hurting them stop you, if you want to reach out. It could go well, or badly, but hey, life is messy. It’s also short. A coworker just found 3 half siblings, 1 is long dead, and she had always known about and wanted a relationship w/coworker. You won’t know until you try to contact them. Steel yourself, it can be a rocky road. My biggest regret is not getting therapy when I began reunion w/1st mother, it would have helped me a lot.
Just be honest and cordial and respect their feelings. HOWEVER, their feels don’t necessarily trump your absolute right to know your heritage! Health, history, family origin, etc, belong to you too, whether you ever become close to any of them, I hope at the minimum one will give you that basic info. Secrecy about our origins is all kinds of fucked up shit imo and always someone projecting their discomfort onto you. Always remember, you didn’t create you, you didn’t lie or hide or shirk responsibilty, so don’t let anybody push their baggage onto you! Or their anger at thier father, etc. There are many layers and your half sibs may react differently, just be yourself, be patient but that doesn’t mean you have no agency. Good luck!
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 4:11 PM on July 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Just be honest and cordial and respect their feelings. HOWEVER, their feels don’t necessarily trump your absolute right to know your heritage! Health, history, family origin, etc, belong to you too, whether you ever become close to any of them, I hope at the minimum one will give you that basic info. Secrecy about our origins is all kinds of fucked up shit imo and always someone projecting their discomfort onto you. Always remember, you didn’t create you, you didn’t lie or hide or shirk responsibilty, so don’t let anybody push their baggage onto you! Or their anger at thier father, etc. There are many layers and your half sibs may react differently, just be yourself, be patient but that doesn’t mean you have no agency. Good luck!
posted by RichardHenryYarbo at 4:11 PM on July 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: reaching out to the daughters seems to visit the scandal and consequence on them, rather than on the father
These people would already be able to log in to these sites and see that the OP is labeled as a possible half-sister.
OP, as someone with a lot of question marks in my own background, I want you to know that it's OK to try and make contact if you wish even if you don't know much about the circumstances. You aren't obligated to try and get (possibly unavailable) answers from your birth mother before doing this.
Also, as someone who has some mixed feelings around genetic testing, I've deliberately used a different and very common name on those sites. So it might well be that going through the site is indeed the only way to make contact with them.
posted by yohko at 5:37 PM on July 20, 2018
These people would already be able to log in to these sites and see that the OP is labeled as a possible half-sister.
OP, as someone with a lot of question marks in my own background, I want you to know that it's OK to try and make contact if you wish even if you don't know much about the circumstances. You aren't obligated to try and get (possibly unavailable) answers from your birth mother before doing this.
Also, as someone who has some mixed feelings around genetic testing, I've deliberately used a different and very common name on those sites. So it might well be that going through the site is indeed the only way to make contact with them.
posted by yohko at 5:37 PM on July 20, 2018
A practical reason to contact these folks is to obtain family medical history, which it sounds like you’d have no other way to access. This is something both parties benefit from.
posted by Kalatraz at 9:43 PM on July 20, 2018
posted by Kalatraz at 9:43 PM on July 20, 2018
Response by poster: These are some great perspectives, and they're giving me much to think about. Just in case it's not all hunky dory, I do have a support system of friends, my T, and of people in the family that I've gotten close to since I've lived in NYC (not biological relations, but people who care for me nonetheless).
When I am ready to reach out, you've given me some ideas on what I can say. Thanks, all!
posted by droplet at 9:15 AM on July 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
When I am ready to reach out, you've given me some ideas on what I can say. Thanks, all!
posted by droplet at 9:15 AM on July 21, 2018 [3 favorites]
« Older Getting a Wild Boars team jersey in a way that... | I want to help Democrats in swing districts... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Before you reach out to them - maybe think for a little about what your reaction would be if you reach out to them and they respond negatively, saying "who the hell are you" or "please don't contact me again". What would your response be and how would you handle that?
The reason I suggest that isn't because I think that they're guaranteed to respond that way - this question is more about what your own mental state would be. Because that possibility exists - and if it is the outcome that happens and it devastates you, then I'd actually advise not reaching out, and instead maybe getting your own 23AndMe account to let them contact you someday if they want to. Only if you think your reaction to their possible rejection would be "eh, whatever" would I then entertain the possibility of reaching out to them.
Again, I'm not saying that they are likely to reject you. But if this is something you would be hurt over if they did, it may be a move you don't want to take.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:25 PM on July 20, 2018 [4 favorites]