Struggling with internal racism + parenting
July 19, 2018 3:19 PM Subscribe
Weird title I know! But help me sort out these feelings about race that have come up while choosing a name for our daughter.
I am a brown person. My husband is also non-white person (though from a different part of the world.) We both grew up in mainly white areas with mostly white friends, and were fairly well-off, with professional parents. We both have professional careers now, and most of our friends are also still white, but because we live in a big city, there is still a pretty good mix.
We are having our first kid soon. When we talked about baby names, my husband was surprised that so many of my names just sounded white. (Think names like Chloe, Eleanor, Anna, etc.) I know these names are not ONLY for white people, and that is not my question. His names were more from both of our cultures, or family names that identify the culture. A few were sort of in-between. I don't want to say any of them, because we may use them, but let's say one of the names was "Priya" identifying her as Indian or "Kenya", identifying her as African-American. I mentioned one of the names to my sister and she said, "wonderful, that sounds like a great name for a strong black woman." (Our last name is pretty neutral: think Smith.)
And this sent me into a tailspin and made me realize how strongly I don't want my kid to be seen as this race. And it's not just for practical reasons (ie resumes) -- it just unearthed lots of feelings of shame about being brown, feelings that I think I've kept buried. It made me realize that I think I've always just wanted to be white, and that in these baby names I was projecting that. I don't think I've ever fully admitted that to myself, but there it is. I couldn't run from it.
I don't really know what the question is here. It's not about the names -- we'll sort that out. (And weirdly, I've always loved meeting parents who used their culture's names -- there is a half-Vietnamese Mai in our building and a half-Japanese Sakura, and I love that their parents used them.) But how do I come to grips with these feelings? I have been in therapy in the past, and didn't love it, but I can try it again. I guess I'm more interested in hearing others' experiences of this -- if anyone can suggest readings, etc. that may help me think through this, it would be really helpful. In theory I've always thought I was proud of my race, but I've realized now that I'm not -- and I want to change this, and NOT pass these feelings on to my kids.
Thoughts? Resources? Experiences?
I am a brown person. My husband is also non-white person (though from a different part of the world.) We both grew up in mainly white areas with mostly white friends, and were fairly well-off, with professional parents. We both have professional careers now, and most of our friends are also still white, but because we live in a big city, there is still a pretty good mix.
We are having our first kid soon. When we talked about baby names, my husband was surprised that so many of my names just sounded white. (Think names like Chloe, Eleanor, Anna, etc.) I know these names are not ONLY for white people, and that is not my question. His names were more from both of our cultures, or family names that identify the culture. A few were sort of in-between. I don't want to say any of them, because we may use them, but let's say one of the names was "Priya" identifying her as Indian or "Kenya", identifying her as African-American. I mentioned one of the names to my sister and she said, "wonderful, that sounds like a great name for a strong black woman." (Our last name is pretty neutral: think Smith.)
And this sent me into a tailspin and made me realize how strongly I don't want my kid to be seen as this race. And it's not just for practical reasons (ie resumes) -- it just unearthed lots of feelings of shame about being brown, feelings that I think I've kept buried. It made me realize that I think I've always just wanted to be white, and that in these baby names I was projecting that. I don't think I've ever fully admitted that to myself, but there it is. I couldn't run from it.
I don't really know what the question is here. It's not about the names -- we'll sort that out. (And weirdly, I've always loved meeting parents who used their culture's names -- there is a half-Vietnamese Mai in our building and a half-Japanese Sakura, and I love that their parents used them.) But how do I come to grips with these feelings? I have been in therapy in the past, and didn't love it, but I can try it again. I guess I'm more interested in hearing others' experiences of this -- if anyone can suggest readings, etc. that may help me think through this, it would be really helpful. In theory I've always thought I was proud of my race, but I've realized now that I'm not -- and I want to change this, and NOT pass these feelings on to my kids.
Thoughts? Resources? Experiences?
There is a reason why, in Joseph Campbell's world, there is atonement with the father. We need to make peace with where we come from, both in family of origin and culturally.
I used to hate being Polish, because i related being eastern European with my dysFUNctional family, and snooty baby Polish men drive me insane. And I wanted to be my own person, completely independent of family and culture. Guess what? It doesn't happen that way. No person is an island and we're a product of greater forces than just our own will and identity.
Growing older helped. Visiting the mother country for the first time helped. Finding the good things of the culture helped.
Ultimately pick the name you like, the one that blesses your child with good fortune. You'll know it when you feel it.
Fwiw we named our kid a trilingual name that works in all three cultures from which we come.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:40 PM on July 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
I used to hate being Polish, because i related being eastern European with my dysFUNctional family, and snooty baby Polish men drive me insane. And I wanted to be my own person, completely independent of family and culture. Guess what? It doesn't happen that way. No person is an island and we're a product of greater forces than just our own will and identity.
Growing older helped. Visiting the mother country for the first time helped. Finding the good things of the culture helped.
Ultimately pick the name you like, the one that blesses your child with good fortune. You'll know it when you feel it.
Fwiw we named our kid a trilingual name that works in all three cultures from which we come.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 3:40 PM on July 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Would it be possible for you to spend time with family and friends from your cultures for a few days at a stretch in the near future? Just a thought.
posted by redlines at 5:11 PM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by redlines at 5:11 PM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you're having your first kid soon because you are pregnant, your medical condition might have bearing your feelings (including the protectiveness (possibly from feeling vulnerable, for yourself and for your future kid) mentioned above). This is not meant dismissively, in any way. Best wishes.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:47 PM on July 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:47 PM on July 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Look. Every name you've told us here is a great name. All I can say is - you don't have to commit everything to your child's name. In a very weird way, until the day you leave the hospital, all the nurses and doctors will refer to your child as 'the baby' or something similarly noncommittal. It isn't until you go and leave that you have to commit to a name.
Also, as a white male, I feel a similar kinship to utter shame for 'my kind'... which if you don't find ironic...
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:57 PM on July 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Also, as a white male, I feel a similar kinship to utter shame for 'my kind'... which if you don't find ironic...
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:57 PM on July 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think it's kind of reasonable to have feelings about this, given how racism goes, the aforementioned resumes, etc.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:22 PM on July 19, 2018
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:22 PM on July 19, 2018
Congratulations! And part of what you are feeling is the territorial "mother / father bear" who needs to protect the unborn cub from danger. This is normal. Parenting brings up thoughts and feelings that are wild and completely foreign to your worldview pre-baby. Again, perfectly normal.
No, you're not going to snatch bald the first person who disrespects your child. You may think it, but you won't do it. Probably. (Your spouse will be side-eyeing you, since he knows you too well).
You cannot change the world, but you can make an oasis of love and compassion for your little one. Your fierce love will make you love your child, your partner, and yourself as part of that child's existence. How can you not love yourself, when half of your beloved child comes directly from you? That smile, that cheeky grin, the shape of their little perfect toes... so wonderful, and so part of you.
This child is your legacy to a world that needs good people. This is a good thing.
You cannot change the world, but you can stand tall and be proud of you. Unique you. This is the best example you can give for your little one.
You've got this.
posted by TrishaU at 6:35 PM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
No, you're not going to snatch bald the first person who disrespects your child. You may think it, but you won't do it. Probably. (Your spouse will be side-eyeing you, since he knows you too well).
You cannot change the world, but you can make an oasis of love and compassion for your little one. Your fierce love will make you love your child, your partner, and yourself as part of that child's existence. How can you not love yourself, when half of your beloved child comes directly from you? That smile, that cheeky grin, the shape of their little perfect toes... so wonderful, and so part of you.
This child is your legacy to a world that needs good people. This is a good thing.
You cannot change the world, but you can stand tall and be proud of you. Unique you. This is the best example you can give for your little one.
You've got this.
posted by TrishaU at 6:35 PM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
One of the meanest parts of racism is that it endlessly teaches you to feel shame about your culture... and then gaslights you into feeling ashamed and damaged when you do. It's so fucking unfair.
OF COURSE you feel weird about putting a racial ID on your kid. Our whole fucking culture pounds us over the head every single fucking day about how inferior it is to be raciaized.
You'll name your baby whatever you name them and they will thrive.
Don't feel bad for having complex feelings about race- race is complex.
Find some other families with similar racial stories. Other parents from each of your cultures who are close to your age and who are about as North American as you are. Other mixed families too. Other IBPOC families who share your politics and live near you. There are likely private Facebook groups you can join where you can ask advice and benefit from others' experiences and insights and camaraderie.
Find your people and talk to THEM candidly about these feelings. White people can't relate. Find IBPOC to share this world. Together you are the experts in navigating race- and you will be grateful for their lived experience as you guide your kids.
More race stuff will keep surfacing with your kids as soon as they're born from other adults and as early as preschool from other kids... and that shit is hard and complicates... so start to collect your community now!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:03 PM on July 19, 2018 [10 favorites]
OF COURSE you feel weird about putting a racial ID on your kid. Our whole fucking culture pounds us over the head every single fucking day about how inferior it is to be raciaized.
You'll name your baby whatever you name them and they will thrive.
Don't feel bad for having complex feelings about race- race is complex.
Find some other families with similar racial stories. Other parents from each of your cultures who are close to your age and who are about as North American as you are. Other mixed families too. Other IBPOC families who share your politics and live near you. There are likely private Facebook groups you can join where you can ask advice and benefit from others' experiences and insights and camaraderie.
Find your people and talk to THEM candidly about these feelings. White people can't relate. Find IBPOC to share this world. Together you are the experts in navigating race- and you will be grateful for their lived experience as you guide your kids.
More race stuff will keep surfacing with your kids as soon as they're born from other adults and as early as preschool from other kids... and that shit is hard and complicates... so start to collect your community now!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:03 PM on July 19, 2018 [10 favorites]
Search more for names that you will both love. Read lists of bestselling authors or actors to get ideas. Find the women in those cultures you want to name a child for. Something will resonate.
In this naming process, you've discovered some things about yourself that are pretty important. Is there a group you could join to explore that? Or consider finding a therapist and specifying that you are working on issues regarding race and want to work with someone of that race and interview the candidates carefully.
posted by theora55 at 7:11 PM on July 19, 2018
In this naming process, you've discovered some things about yourself that are pretty important. Is there a group you could join to explore that? Or consider finding a therapist and specifying that you are working on issues regarding race and want to work with someone of that race and interview the candidates carefully.
posted by theora55 at 7:11 PM on July 19, 2018
On the therapist front... were the people you saw in the past white and of the majority culture?
I think this sentence is the crux of your post:
(Context: I'm white and was raised by an immigrant parent. My brother and I grew up in the same house and have pretty different conceptions of our own national identity.)
posted by hoyland at 7:20 PM on July 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
I think this sentence is the crux of your post:
In theory I've always thought I was proud of my race, but I've realized now that I'm not -- and I want to change this, and NOT pass these feelings on to my kids.I think the way you do this is to talk about it and therapy is one way of creating space to do that, but some therapists are a bit rubbish at realising not everyone moves through the world in the same way they do. It's a conversation to have with your husband, too, but having it without him is important, too. This is, I think, one of those things that everyone has their own answer two.
(Context: I'm white and was raised by an immigrant parent. My brother and I grew up in the same house and have pretty different conceptions of our own national identity.)
posted by hoyland at 7:20 PM on July 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
I think the way you do this is to talk about it and therapy is one way of creating space to do that, but some therapists are a bit rubbish at realising not everyone moves through the world in the same way they do.
Yeah, if you do look into therapy, look for therapists who list child of immigrant (I realize you may not be) / race / cultural identity topics as one of their specialties. A lot of white therapists are really bad at these conversations.
posted by lazuli at 8:10 PM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yeah, if you do look into therapy, look for therapists who list child of immigrant (I realize you may not be) / race / cultural identity topics as one of their specialties. A lot of white therapists are really bad at these conversations.
posted by lazuli at 8:10 PM on July 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
As an Asian-American... IDK, I can see your reasoning and I'm probably going to give any future kids a Western name apart from their Chinese name myself. I don't think the name thing by itself is a sign of being broken/ashamed of your heritage, though if you find that you've had some complicated feelings stirred up that's definitely worthy of being looked into by a therapist either of your ethnicity or of a similar background (so if you're South Asian an East Asian or Middle Eastern therapist might be able to hit on the same feelings, etc.).
I do want my future kids to be Asian-American and proud of their heritage: Chinese school on Saturdays, visits to the home country, connecting with other Asian-Americans and learning about a pan-Asian American cultural history... But the reason I've always assumed I'd give them a Western name is that I don't want them to be treated the way the world treats Asian-Americans. Same reason my parents gave me an English name and assumed English names themselves: they knew intuitively what later studies proved, which is that white people in America respond negatively to names they perceive as racialized and unfamiliar (John Smith is more likely to get a hiring callback than Jianyu Huang).
It makes sense that you don't want your kid to be seen or treated as a member of your race even though you seem to be in other aspects happy and proud about different parts of your heritage: your race has most likely been the reason for a lot of shit being directed at you, and you're feeling very viscerally your desire for your child to escape that.
Are there any cultural or diaspora groups in your region you can join, or friends of that heritage you can talk this through with? I've found that connecting with other Asian-Americans and bonding over our respective immigrant backgrounds has reframed my ethnicity partly from "this is something that makes people demean me" to "this is something that bonds me to others of my group in solidarity." I'd also recommend a trip to somewhere that is majority your ethnicity: you're not going to feel like you belong, but you are going to get to experience what it feels like to be unmarked.
posted by storytam at 8:37 PM on July 19, 2018 [13 favorites]
I do want my future kids to be Asian-American and proud of their heritage: Chinese school on Saturdays, visits to the home country, connecting with other Asian-Americans and learning about a pan-Asian American cultural history... But the reason I've always assumed I'd give them a Western name is that I don't want them to be treated the way the world treats Asian-Americans. Same reason my parents gave me an English name and assumed English names themselves: they knew intuitively what later studies proved, which is that white people in America respond negatively to names they perceive as racialized and unfamiliar (John Smith is more likely to get a hiring callback than Jianyu Huang).
It makes sense that you don't want your kid to be seen or treated as a member of your race even though you seem to be in other aspects happy and proud about different parts of your heritage: your race has most likely been the reason for a lot of shit being directed at you, and you're feeling very viscerally your desire for your child to escape that.
Are there any cultural or diaspora groups in your region you can join, or friends of that heritage you can talk this through with? I've found that connecting with other Asian-Americans and bonding over our respective immigrant backgrounds has reframed my ethnicity partly from "this is something that makes people demean me" to "this is something that bonds me to others of my group in solidarity." I'd also recommend a trip to somewhere that is majority your ethnicity: you're not going to feel like you belong, but you are going to get to experience what it feels like to be unmarked.
posted by storytam at 8:37 PM on July 19, 2018 [13 favorites]
You can be proud of your race and still be upset that your child will have to experience racism.
posted by bq at 9:55 PM on July 19, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by bq at 9:55 PM on July 19, 2018 [13 favorites]
I can relate as we are going through something similar, although I am the POC (Korean) and my husband is white British (Scottish). However, we are both carrying a bit of "name baggage" in terms of our background.
All names will have some sort of personal connotations. My husband doesn't even like some "white" sounding names because he thinks they sound like people who are not in our income class (below or above us). I don't like some names because someone I hated in third grade had the same name.
I don't want something "too" Korean, because although I was born in Korea, I identify much more strongly with western culture. Secondly, my own name is actually very Korean and I grew up with a lot of mispronunciations, misspellings and othering commentary ("That's so unusual, where is it from?"). I don't want my child to go through that if possible, especially the othering commentary. So yeah, I agree with the couple of posts above this in that I'm just being realistic about the society my kid is going to grow up in.
Then there's "white" names I'm avoiding because they are so cliched for Koreans (Hannah, Grace, Christina). I think this stems from more complex feelings that I have towards myself and my racial identity. Like, I have my own stereotypes of Korean people that I have imprinted on those names and yeah, there's some shame and disdain mixed up in there. But I don't need to force myself to name my kid Grace to prove a point to myself that I'm not self-racist. For now, I'm ok with just being aware of this about myself and I hope that this realisation will be carried through in how I talk and act about race to my child.
I still fully intend on force feeding them kimchi, celebrating their 100 Days, have them call my parents halmeoni (할머니) and hal-abeoji (할아버지) (or rather, how we say it in our family "hammy" and "habby").
So I dunno, it's not clearcut. I know it's not an answer but I hope my personal experience helps you as you work through your own feelings.
posted by like_neon at 3:06 AM on July 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
All names will have some sort of personal connotations. My husband doesn't even like some "white" sounding names because he thinks they sound like people who are not in our income class (below or above us). I don't like some names because someone I hated in third grade had the same name.
I don't want something "too" Korean, because although I was born in Korea, I identify much more strongly with western culture. Secondly, my own name is actually very Korean and I grew up with a lot of mispronunciations, misspellings and othering commentary ("That's so unusual, where is it from?"). I don't want my child to go through that if possible, especially the othering commentary. So yeah, I agree with the couple of posts above this in that I'm just being realistic about the society my kid is going to grow up in.
Then there's "white" names I'm avoiding because they are so cliched for Koreans (Hannah, Grace, Christina). I think this stems from more complex feelings that I have towards myself and my racial identity. Like, I have my own stereotypes of Korean people that I have imprinted on those names and yeah, there's some shame and disdain mixed up in there. But I don't need to force myself to name my kid Grace to prove a point to myself that I'm not self-racist. For now, I'm ok with just being aware of this about myself and I hope that this realisation will be carried through in how I talk and act about race to my child.
I still fully intend on force feeding them kimchi, celebrating their 100 Days, have them call my parents halmeoni (할머니) and hal-abeoji (할아버지) (or rather, how we say it in our family "hammy" and "habby").
So I dunno, it's not clearcut. I know it's not an answer but I hope my personal experience helps you as you work through your own feelings.
posted by like_neon at 3:06 AM on July 20, 2018 [4 favorites]
There is nothing like parenting to bring up all the feelings you thought you had successfully buried, or were buried so deep you didn't know you had them. In my opinion it's one of the best things about being a parent -- the amount of personal growth that comes from having to face all the stuff you never had to face before is truly awesome. I agree that hormones are likely causing this to be more emotional for you than it would be otherwise, but that's not necessarily a bad thing either.
My advice would be to sit with it for a while, and to keep talking to your spouse about it. You don't have to decide anything right now, and you don't have to work harder than you want to on it. Just feel it for a bit and go from there.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:41 AM on July 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
My advice would be to sit with it for a while, and to keep talking to your spouse about it. You don't have to decide anything right now, and you don't have to work harder than you want to on it. Just feel it for a bit and go from there.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:41 AM on July 20, 2018 [2 favorites]
There may be certain things that you may need to remind yourself of on a regular basis. As you know: a white-sounding name is not going to pad your child against the onslaught of racism and isn't going to shield them from being stereotyped, because their skin will be non-white and their features will be non-white. It doesn't matter how white their name OR their voice sounds in the end because their Otherness cannot be erased, and the wrong white person is going to demand to look past the white name and see said Otherness anyway (and will presume it is there). You know this is permanent. Your child's Otherness in this culture cannot be avoided; while an adjacence to whiteness can be used to carve out space for yourself, you can't be so sure that space will remain yours. I believe the new film "Sorry to Bother You" was absolutely brutal in pointing this out.
Get a non-white therapist who understands this who can help you unpack and heal. Surround yourself with people who do not hold this same fear; talk to them, see what they have to say. Go to more cultural events, actually. The sheer joy of being who you are will eventually rub off on you.
Anecdata: my parents were going to give me a Nigerian name, but feared my facing stigma. I was still told that I couldn't be Catwoman because I was Black at age 5, and was still called the N-word by 7th grade. My name might have allowed me to slip into interview spaces, but did not grant me a permanent seat at the table. Additionally, people in my social networks of African decent (recently or otherwise) who have UNQUESTIONABLY ethnic names are out here snagging Fulbright scholarships, thriving in their fields, and living their lives relatively unhindered by white feels. I myself now have an Ifá name that I use with increasing regularity and frankly, don't care how much more Nigerian it makes me. The name is my history and my lived truth. The grace of the name has nothing on the way in which I have chosen to wield it, as your child might if you begin to heal.
Uzoamaka Aduba has long said: give your children "difficult" names. I now agree with her. They will earn the hell out of them anyway.
posted by Ashen at 7:03 AM on July 20, 2018 [9 favorites]
Get a non-white therapist who understands this who can help you unpack and heal. Surround yourself with people who do not hold this same fear; talk to them, see what they have to say. Go to more cultural events, actually. The sheer joy of being who you are will eventually rub off on you.
Anecdata: my parents were going to give me a Nigerian name, but feared my facing stigma. I was still told that I couldn't be Catwoman because I was Black at age 5, and was still called the N-word by 7th grade. My name might have allowed me to slip into interview spaces, but did not grant me a permanent seat at the table. Additionally, people in my social networks of African decent (recently or otherwise) who have UNQUESTIONABLY ethnic names are out here snagging Fulbright scholarships, thriving in their fields, and living their lives relatively unhindered by white feels. I myself now have an Ifá name that I use with increasing regularity and frankly, don't care how much more Nigerian it makes me. The name is my history and my lived truth. The grace of the name has nothing on the way in which I have chosen to wield it, as your child might if you begin to heal.
Uzoamaka Aduba has long said: give your children "difficult" names. I now agree with her. They will earn the hell out of them anyway.
posted by Ashen at 7:03 AM on July 20, 2018 [9 favorites]
I am American and my husband is not, so my kids have the "ethnic" last name. We went with American-sounding first name and "ethnic" middle name. The kids use their American-sounding names at school and with their American grandparents, and their "ethnic" names at home with us and in Dad's language. At periodic major transitions (like a new school) we've asked the kids what they want to be called there.
I think it's actually kind of nice that all their names get used. As others have said, we have worked to cultivate a connection with Dad's culture, and it takes some doing, but has been a net value for our family.
posted by telepanda at 9:38 AM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think it's actually kind of nice that all their names get used. As others have said, we have worked to cultivate a connection with Dad's culture, and it takes some doing, but has been a net value for our family.
posted by telepanda at 9:38 AM on July 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
I cannot, cannot, cannot emphasize more what Ashen said above. A name is poor protection for the discrimination your child is going to face anyway, so if that's the main reason for giving your child an Anglicized name rather than something a bit more relevant to you and your husband's relative cultures, then perhaps you could reframe your thinking on that one.
I am a South Asian (Sri Lankan) Muslim, and my boyfriend is African American (his name is a "white" name.) When we named our two year old son, I really wanted an Arabic name (because the culture I was raised in was distinctly South Asian Muslim rather than Sri Lankan, and Arabic names are thus more prevalent), but my husband wasn't having it. Black kid with an Arabic name... recipe for disaster. We ended up going with a very common Biblical version of the Arabic name I wanted, and his middle name is also a "white" name. So my biracial son who hears Arabic and two native South Asian languages spoken around him, who is being raised with the traditions of his mother and the American traditions of his father ended up with a name like John Michael Smith, and guess what? People still make racist assumptions about him: "He's very tall for a two year old, so he's going be a basketball player." "His skin is so beautiful!" (I'm very sure people don't say that about white kids.) There are even people who will ask me why his name is what it is and why, when his background is so diverse, we didn't give him a "meaningful" name. My son has two well-off parents, is the only POC in his class, and has many privileges - but sadly, that may not change how he is perceived in certain situations. The same goes for my boyfriend, who is black, and whose name couldn't be whiter.
In the end, it doesn't matter. Your child will face whatever she faces, and her name is unlikely to protect her except where she never has to present herself physically. I'm sorry that your brownness is something you aren't comfortable with, but I hope that you will work on that and not pass it on to your child. Matter of fact, go the opposite way and make sure you elevate her background so she's proud of who she is. Discomfort with her own skin is far more of a risk for insecurity and identity issues than is a not-white name.
posted by Everydayville at 3:49 PM on July 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
I am a South Asian (Sri Lankan) Muslim, and my boyfriend is African American (his name is a "white" name.) When we named our two year old son, I really wanted an Arabic name (because the culture I was raised in was distinctly South Asian Muslim rather than Sri Lankan, and Arabic names are thus more prevalent), but my husband wasn't having it. Black kid with an Arabic name... recipe for disaster. We ended up going with a very common Biblical version of the Arabic name I wanted, and his middle name is also a "white" name. So my biracial son who hears Arabic and two native South Asian languages spoken around him, who is being raised with the traditions of his mother and the American traditions of his father ended up with a name like John Michael Smith, and guess what? People still make racist assumptions about him: "He's very tall for a two year old, so he's going be a basketball player." "His skin is so beautiful!" (I'm very sure people don't say that about white kids.) There are even people who will ask me why his name is what it is and why, when his background is so diverse, we didn't give him a "meaningful" name. My son has two well-off parents, is the only POC in his class, and has many privileges - but sadly, that may not change how he is perceived in certain situations. The same goes for my boyfriend, who is black, and whose name couldn't be whiter.
In the end, it doesn't matter. Your child will face whatever she faces, and her name is unlikely to protect her except where she never has to present herself physically. I'm sorry that your brownness is something you aren't comfortable with, but I hope that you will work on that and not pass it on to your child. Matter of fact, go the opposite way and make sure you elevate her background so she's proud of who she is. Discomfort with her own skin is far more of a risk for insecurity and identity issues than is a not-white name.
posted by Everydayville at 3:49 PM on July 20, 2018 [6 favorites]
Can you look for role models from your culture who have white sounding names that you would like to name her after? I am thinking of people like Katherine Johnson or Rosa Parks or Dorothy Height or Josephine Baker or Maya Angelou?
Also, consider giving your daughter a whole slate of names, so that she can pick which one to use as her first name when she is older. That way she will be the one to make the choice. And then you can include an androgynous or masculine name so that she can explore her non-feminine side, and a white sounding name with your heritage so that she can explore being subtle about her heritage, one that is inarguably as non-white as it is possible to get, and one from her father's side and one from your side.
Also consider if you have an older relatives that you would like to have as a primary role model for her. Was there a grandmother who thrived despite incredible odds? How about an ancestor you would like to remember in her, someone who died in infancy, or who was childless?
Most people prefer names that are poplar. The most popular names often get stuck in time - like how Amber and Ashley had their decades. There is a good side and a bad side to that. When there are a lot of kids with that name, and even more kids being given that name it is good for your kid's social position. But after a couple more decades it is likely to really set in stone the era when she was born and the popular names drop out of fashion. I don't know how much that happens with culturally identifiable names, but if you give her a very American name and she ends up living and working in Europe as an adult her name will have an impact.
Can you research what names are being given to children by the best educated women in your strata? What are women of your background who have doctorate degrees naming their daughters? I read that that's where the most high status names come from. So if you look at the names that non-white surgeons and aerospace engineers are naming their daughters you might find one your really like and game the system just a little bit that way.
The thing about having kids is that you end up unpacking a lot of stuff. You will discover just how much stamina you have and just how much love you can muster, and you will revisit feelings you thought you had finished with and resolved long ago, concerning your own family of origin. Discovering your racism is part of that. Don't be ashamed of being racist, be aware of it. Everybody is racist, you got to observe it in yourself, which means you are now three steps ahead of where you were before you were aware of it. So you are making progress. This is good. Okay, definitely painful, and frightening, and shame inducing, but that's the kind of thing that making progress will do.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:03 PM on July 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Also, consider giving your daughter a whole slate of names, so that she can pick which one to use as her first name when she is older. That way she will be the one to make the choice. And then you can include an androgynous or masculine name so that she can explore her non-feminine side, and a white sounding name with your heritage so that she can explore being subtle about her heritage, one that is inarguably as non-white as it is possible to get, and one from her father's side and one from your side.
Also consider if you have an older relatives that you would like to have as a primary role model for her. Was there a grandmother who thrived despite incredible odds? How about an ancestor you would like to remember in her, someone who died in infancy, or who was childless?
Most people prefer names that are poplar. The most popular names often get stuck in time - like how Amber and Ashley had their decades. There is a good side and a bad side to that. When there are a lot of kids with that name, and even more kids being given that name it is good for your kid's social position. But after a couple more decades it is likely to really set in stone the era when she was born and the popular names drop out of fashion. I don't know how much that happens with culturally identifiable names, but if you give her a very American name and she ends up living and working in Europe as an adult her name will have an impact.
Can you research what names are being given to children by the best educated women in your strata? What are women of your background who have doctorate degrees naming their daughters? I read that that's where the most high status names come from. So if you look at the names that non-white surgeons and aerospace engineers are naming their daughters you might find one your really like and game the system just a little bit that way.
The thing about having kids is that you end up unpacking a lot of stuff. You will discover just how much stamina you have and just how much love you can muster, and you will revisit feelings you thought you had finished with and resolved long ago, concerning your own family of origin. Discovering your racism is part of that. Don't be ashamed of being racist, be aware of it. Everybody is racist, you got to observe it in yourself, which means you are now three steps ahead of where you were before you were aware of it. So you are making progress. This is good. Okay, definitely painful, and frightening, and shame inducing, but that's the kind of thing that making progress will do.
posted by Jane the Brown at 9:03 PM on July 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Hi, black person here. Currently expecting, so now having to think about baby names. I'd say chose a name that represnets your heritage or at least don't intentially rule it out because it feels white. The truth is your child won't be white. Doesn't matter what their name is, where they live, how educated they are or how much money they make. They're not white, never will be and never will be treated as such. This isn't to say they'll be treated badly but the if America's history has shown us anything thing trying minorities trying to make themselves more palatable to white culture is and white people very rarely has the desired results and really serves to make us feel not good enough.
This isn't to say that there's anything wrong with traditional European names, pick them if you like them. Don't pick them because you feel like it's a leg up. It isn't and if someone is going to judge your child because of an ethnic name they'll judge them because of brown skin too.
Also, think of the message your passing on. Every parents of color tries to protect their child from the horrid of a racist society. For my family that meant strong and positive representative of African Americans and affirmation of the beauty of my features, skin tone, complexion and intelligence. This isn't to say that I haven't felt the stings of internal racism but that I never felt black or (any racial minority for that matter) was less than or inferior to whites. They are plenty of people in every race who are accomplished, successful, smart etc who are great role models for young children and adults. Once again, not saying you can't chose a name like Chloe but I would examine that bias a bit more.
Lastly, you may want to spend some time working through your own feelings of internal racism. There are a number of therapists who specialize in this. It's a difficult road to travel if you continue to carry these feelings since they don't feel great and can damage your self esteem.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 6:14 AM on July 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
This isn't to say that there's anything wrong with traditional European names, pick them if you like them. Don't pick them because you feel like it's a leg up. It isn't and if someone is going to judge your child because of an ethnic name they'll judge them because of brown skin too.
Also, think of the message your passing on. Every parents of color tries to protect their child from the horrid of a racist society. For my family that meant strong and positive representative of African Americans and affirmation of the beauty of my features, skin tone, complexion and intelligence. This isn't to say that I haven't felt the stings of internal racism but that I never felt black or (any racial minority for that matter) was less than or inferior to whites. They are plenty of people in every race who are accomplished, successful, smart etc who are great role models for young children and adults. Once again, not saying you can't chose a name like Chloe but I would examine that bias a bit more.
Lastly, you may want to spend some time working through your own feelings of internal racism. There are a number of therapists who specialize in this. It's a difficult road to travel if you continue to carry these feelings since they don't feel great and can damage your self esteem.
posted by CosmicSeeker42 at 6:14 AM on July 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I know a lot of people that go through this and the compromises that I've seen (not endorsing any of these, but sharing):
- Choosing a first name that is a nod to !heritage but still within "the acceptable white range" - pronounceable, semi-familiar, sort of like a known name
- Choosing a first name that is bland/passing/whatever and a middle name that is more explicitly tied to heritage (I can tell you as a university professor, I see this a lot on my class rosters)
- Convincing yourselves that your child will be brought up in an educated household with many advantages in the world and whatever discrimination or negativity that they will encourage will be more easily overcome than by someone with that same first name but without those advantages
FWIW, there are a number of very good baby name subreddits where people discuss this exact topic frequently. It might be worthwhile posting in there and getting some feedback.
posted by k8t at 3:38 PM on July 19, 2018 [12 favorites]