Hope me

July 18, 2018 11:00 AM

Seeking stories of couples counselling success.

Been together 4 years; do not live together due to certain life circumstances (but would, otherwise). We love and respect each other very much. In terms of values, beliefs, long term goals, we connect very deeply. In terms of some other things though, however, we have incompatibilities that cause a lot of frustration - he's very independent, I'm a planner/he's spontaneous, we communicate very differently, etc. And I do much of the emotional labour in the relationship, which is so tiring. Can counselling help us? Did counselling help you, and if so how? I really want to hear success stories right now.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (5 answers total)

Counseling helped us on several occasions. People tend to use counseling as a last resort but we've used it as a pruning tool when we first spot issues and that has worked really well for us. We saw a counselor for 3-4 visits before we moved in together and have gone back again twice for about the same duration. Similar issues each time (and similar to the ones you describe); we are who we are and even when we learn to carry our baggage more skillfully, it can still get in the way. Counseling works for us because we aren't doing it to be right or change the other person; we both see it as a way to learn and grow as individuals, which benefits the relationship.
posted by headnsouth at 11:31 AM on July 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

First round of counseling wasn't helpful. Compatibility is an issue to consider. Second round has been more so, but also a lot of the life stressors causing the problems from round one are less impactful. We are currently working with someone that does Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy which I find helpful. It works for us now that we found someone we both feel connected to. We are primarily working on communication as my partner prefers to withdraw which is activating for me.
posted by crunchy potato at 12:33 PM on July 18, 2018

Last week's episode of This American Life may be of interest to you. The second act was a recording of a couples counseling session. It's actually taken from another podcast, although I can't vouch for it.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:33 PM on July 18, 2018 [2 favorites]

I have gotten a lot out of listening to Where Should We Begin, the podcast by Esther Perel that is excerpted in the TAL episode mentioned above.

I warn you that they are not all happy endings, but they are each very illuminating in their own way.
posted by wowenthusiast at 1:52 PM on July 18, 2018 [3 favorites]

Do both of you want to go to therapy and agree that you want to work on your relationship? I think that is probably one of the best predictors of whether the therapy will actually work (and since you said you do more of the emotional labor, I wonder if only you see the need?). I was in a relationship that sounds like yours. I go to individual therapy, and it has helped me. He refused to engage, so therapy didn't work for us as a couple.

I like the podcast Where Should We Begin as others mentioned. I personally also find Gottman's stuff to be helpful and practical (though I have never formally participated in "Gottman method" therapy).

Good luck! Change is hard, but I believe it's possible.
posted by kochenta at 1:39 PM on July 19, 2018