Pro-LDR Stories

July 15, 2018 2:30 AM

I am looking for stories about people in successful long-term LDRs who don't necessarily have an 'exit strategy.'

I understand that many people on Mefi don't put much store by long-distance relationships, but I haven't heard much from pro-LDRs who do seem to work things out and enjoy the LDR experience, and not just because there's an 'end goal' in sight.

For context: Spiderman and I have been together 2.5 years. We see each other once a year (3-6 weeks each time) and will likely continue doing this for a while. For the most part I am content and have no wish to force a 'living together' situation, but at times when I miss him, I forget what I enjoy so much about LDRs in the first place (distance to do our own things, having my own projects, having my own space to think, not being emotionally over-dependent on him, etc.). So I would love to hear about positive LDRs that are similar.

I also feel like there is a 'pressure' to be physically in the same place, because of the collective idea that couples should be physically and geographically together. This pressure I feel not just from friends and family (who casually ask 'so is he planning to come here? or are you planning to go there?') but also from the media (e.g. LDRs not usually working because one of the couple breaks down in tears and says it's nobody's fault but they can't do the distance anymore - very dramatic and tragic and heartstring-pulling). Any advice/experience on how to filter out this kind of pressure would be great.

Thanks.

posted by Spiderwoman to Human Relations (10 answers total)

It's a common situation in academia (aka "the two body problem"), often with no clear end point. At one point I knew a professor who had spent more than three decades commuting a couple of states away to visit his wife on weekends and vacations. I have known other people who are commuting across the country, or internationally.

We've done it on and off, and it has worked fine for us, but it definitely does not work for many people. Personally I like the balance of being totally together and focused on each other at some points, and being more independent at other points, but I can see how that could be a problem for some people. I have coworkers for whom a few days of separation is a big deal, for example -- being apart is just not how they see a relationship working.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:35 AM on July 15, 2018

It’s not quite a story, but the song “Flyweight Love” by Vienna Teng seems to be about this sort of relationship.

Good luck!
posted by eirias at 6:50 AM on July 15, 2018

I know a couple where the husband is in the military and frequently deployed overseas. The wife told me at one point that her relationship only works with him because he’s in the military and frequently away. She likes to only see him for short stretches and he seems to feel the same way. Interesting to me (I’ve never made an LDR work) is that they even have a baby together. It works for some people I guess!
posted by FireFountain at 7:43 AM on July 15, 2018

Best answer: Me and my guy have been together ten years and live 2.5 hours apart during the school year and 60-90 minutes apart during the summer. We are together maybe twice a month and most holidays when we can swing it. I live alone, he lives with his adult son who has some mental health challenges (reason #1 we don't live together) and walking distance from his sweet job that he loves (reason #2). I live in a nearby state that I love (reason #3) and I have a summer place in his state where we are more nearby (reason #4). I am a twitchy person with a weird sleep schedule and his household is a bit chaotic because of his kid and, to be honest, because he's a little more causal in his living situation than I would be. We're very much in love, spend amazing time together, are close with each other's friends and families and don't have an exit plan except maybe when we retire (we are middle aged now) maybe we'll get an RV together. Both of us lead busy and productive lives and I think maybe don't really have time or energy for a full-time local relationship. This way we get to really focus on each other when we're together and technology means we can do a lot of things together even when we're not proximate. We play scrabble together a few nights a week and sometimes watch various shows we like together. All in all it's a really good situation.

I won't lie, there are dark times especially if one of us is having a hard time, but we're really good communicators, have done our time in therapy, and really try to make things work out. Sometimes people are weird about it but basically we don't want kids (he has one, I don't want one) and anyone who wants to start getting judgy about it can just look at our grinning faces and die mad about it (which is my suggestion as a coping strategy) It's an open discussion we have not just a "We picked this ten years ago and now we're stuck with it" and, honestly, I have never been happier in a relationship since I was a grown-up.
posted by jessamyn at 1:01 PM on July 15, 2018 [5 favorites]

Two of my long term dates are LDRs. Been seeing each person about five years. We get together a few times a year and text, call or skype as we like. Sometimes there are weeks of no communication when we're busy. It's great! Wouldn't change it! We love having our own spaces. No plans for kids, pets or shared property so that makes it easy. Best thing ever if it fits your personality. I like to hyperfocus on my people and craft fast moving peak experiences with them, and that's just not sustainable in day to day living. I'm also real particular about my living space. I travel a lot, while one of my baes is an extreme introvert who needs a lot of alone time, and the other hustles for contract work which means they alternate off weeks with stressful 14-hour days. We'd bore each other quick if we woke up in the same bed and end up fighting about dishes. Blergh. Perfect for us!
posted by fritillary at 1:46 PM on July 15, 2018

Best answer: My partner (he's male, I'm female) and I have been together five years and have never lived in the same country, although we have spent months at a time together. We see each other a lot throughout the year although there have been a couple of times where it's been 3-4 months between visits. We occasionally go a day or so without messaging one another but it's more common that we message off and on throughout the day, all day. We're very happy and have no "exit strategy." People often ask one or the other of us when we're going to move to one another's cities. Sometimes they look at me a bit pityingly. On the other hand, a few people have told me I have their dream relationship and they think it's amazing. I love his family and they love me and treat me as if we're married to one another.

We're both in our 40s and have been in long-term, living together relationships and I think we're both just done with that. We're both hugely independent and very busy. I won't say we'll never close the gap, like in 5 or 10 years maybe, but it would require us to have a place to live where we had a lot of physical space and some conversation about how to both retain our independence.

We love each other a lot and have a huge amount of trust for and respect in one another. We are also very lazily not monogamous in the sense of neither of us is out there looking but we're both free to hook up with someone (including friends) if we want. I get that this wouldn't work for lots of people, but in my case I would have a lot more anxiety if this "rule" (or not-rule?) weren't in place, even if it's not something we tend to act on much.

Reading back over there I feel like I made it sound really idyllic but honestly I think it's just that we both have low-key temperaments, a lot in common, are emotionally fairly self-sufficient, and at this point in our lives we want a relationship where we can just have fun and bring some joy to one another rather than angst. We are absolutely committed to one another though, and we talk about the distant future just as couples who live together do.
posted by tiger tiger at 3:41 PM on July 15, 2018

Best answer: I'm non-monogamous, and in 2 serious, committed, long-term relationships that are both long-distance. I'll focus on the one that's been long-distance the entire time we've been together (the other one has only been long-distance for the ~3 years since I moved to a new city for work).

Partner & I met when we were living in the same city but didn't start dating until years later, when we were living in different states. It started out as a very casual relationship that deepened over the years into love and commitment, and we've now been together nearly 5 years. We trust each other and communicate well. We see each other roughly one weekend a month, generally trade off visits, and infrequently plan special visits for special occasions (attending a friend's wedding, spending a holiday together, taking a trip together). We stay connected online between visits. We're both fiercely independent people who value our respective alone time and have zero desire to co-habitate (ever for him, ever again for me), so this works really well for us!

The distance factor has worked out particularly well during those times when one of us has to navigate a big stressful life change. We've each been able to do so on our own terms, without having to worry about how it might affect the other, and with full confidence that our relationship will continue because it doesn't depend on us being in the same physical location or having similar work schedules or sharing the responsibility of a shared physical space. I also work a lot, and it's nice to be able to do that without worrying about it impacting my relationship.

Many people assume that the non-monogamy makes the LDR thing easier, and I'm not gonna lie, it definitely can. But neither of us have actually dated anyone else (besides my other long-term, long-distance partner) in a very long time, so functionally, it doesn't contribute.

Re: filtering out the external pressures... well, nothing in the media looks anything at all like my life, so honestly I got used to ignoring (or rolling my eyes at) the pressure-y messaging there a long time ago Media representations of relationships are overwhelmingly . Even for people in more "traditional" relationships, media representations are mostly BS. No one's lives can live up to those unrealistic standards, and people who try to live up to them generally end up miserable. So get to where you need to get in your head to write media pressure off entirely.

As for pressures from friends & family, I'm able to filter it out or brush it off by being confident and treating my LDR like what it is: my reality, and something that works really well for me. Very well-meaning people often say, "That must be hard!" and I reply with a (genuinely) positive "It works for us!" When people ask when he's moving here or when I'm moving there, my reply depends on my audience but is either "No plans either way, we're happy the way things are" or "We're not really cohabiting people" or "Our relationship doesn't work that way, [insert high-level explanation here]." The vast majority of people in our lives stop asking after that and come to accept that this is our life and we're happy with it. There will always be a small percentage of people who continue to be nosy, believe I'm just putting on a brave face, or assume that we're going to end up wanting something more traditional no matter what we say now and moving to be together then, but I don't need to engage with those people.

This is your life! It works for you! Don't let anyone else make you feel weird or bad about it.
posted by rhiannonstone at 6:14 PM on July 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Well, despite the fact people have adverse reactions to the idea of LDR, and tend to belittle it and such-- 'how can you truly know a person when it's LDR!' etc-- there is an increasing body of research that shows couples in LDRs often form stronger and more intimate relationships. That the distance can actually help the bonding process, and make you both better partners. The horror stories-- "I didn't even know them, they were completely different when we finally were together!" -- I think is valid to some degree, but I feel it's as common as when IRL relationships fail also-- (even if the issues may take longer to manifest). As long as you are regularly meeting in person throughout the distance and things are good on that front, you not only have a pretty good chance at success, you probably have a better chance than most.

I'm in an LDR, that doesn't have an exit strategy right now because things on the immigration side have slowed down to a crawl, and it is hindering our progress. Ours is distance of countries, and yeah it can get really trying while we work out what to do next.

As for me, while we wait, I find solace in that I feel 'he's my person' and we want to be together and will be. I can't imagine my life without him, we get along in so many meaningful ways, and interact all the time. Neither of us want anyone else, the distance is worth the wait, and in the meantime, while we talk every day, we have pretty strong lives separately that keep us occupied, and we know this is temporary. We want to succeed, and believing that we will is important to us. We believe in it. "I want it to be you," is something we say sometimes when we have uncertainties.

There is definitely a pressure-- people ask me constantly about it, I get pity etc. I guess I'm used to it as for me as a woman, there's just a lot of societal pressure in general, though, to have kids, etc. He gets much less pressure. I just ignore it; it's my life, I'm happy, it doesn't matter what other people think, it just matters how we both feel.

As for "LDRs not usually working because one of the couple breaks down in tears and says it's nobody's fault but they can't do the distance anymore" I think you only need to worry about this if there are signs in your LDR where the distance is making one (or both of you) unhappy. I've been in mine for a couple of years now we've never expressed the sentiment that "LDR is so hard" or anything. I guess it is, but It doesn't feel that hard to us. And "I miss you," is vastly different from feelings of "I can't stand being apart from you, this is so awful all the time!" etc. Not everyone is wired to be able to endure LD, and some are better at it than others. I was in a semi LDR with a guy a long time ago, and already from the start, the idea of LDR was ridiculously insurmountable to him-- he just didn't feel like he was 'with' someone unless they were physically there and suffered greatly due to the distance. This dude just couldn't do LDR; he wanted to be able to physically touch someone constantly. He was the kind of guy, that if forced into it, would have broken into tears and said he can't do it within a few months. He suffered more in like a few months than I did in my year-long LDR. So, I think that both of you know already if you're that type of person-- in my current relationship, neither of us are that person-- so we don't have that much fear that the other will suddenly have a breakdown. We're happy most of the time, so we don't anticipate it changing. And look, if it does? That's ok too. That's life and it isn't the end of the world.

Nthing don't let anyone let you feel weird or bad about it. It doesn't matter what other people think, that's not the opinion you have to live with.
posted by Dimes at 8:06 PM on July 15, 2018 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Mrs NT and I did LDR for about 12 years, with me doing stints in Asia, Europe and back to Canada (with me in Toronto and her in Vancouver throughout). I moved back to Vancouver 4 years ago, so we're not quite matching your situation 100%. She had kids from a previous relationship, one of whom is severely disabled (autism) so we never seriously entertained the notion of her moving at any point.

I mean, it was always our exit strategy that eventually we would be together in the same place, but at the time, we certainly didn't have a timeframe to base our expectations around or off of.

We're kind of weird in most expectations around relationships generally I think, but we were always pretty clear-eyed about the limitations of our situation too. Aside from a couple of glitches we never really worried about the other too much or got painfully jealous etc -- one of the things that helped us was that we openly discussed all of that at the very beginning, and just simply took it onboard that we'd have to just trust each other a lot, or it would never work.

And actually, I have to say being apart definitely had benefits too. We were and are pretty independent most of the time and the distance reinforced that. I would come back two or three times a year, mostly for a couple of weeks at a time, and 4 years before I returned permanently she came out to Toronto for about 6 weeks. But these were the exceptions and not the rule.

The popular trope that LDRs never work out and are destined to fail just never rang true for us. And that was absolutely fine for us. Why give up our secret, you know? But we got lucky, and we worked at it, too.

In the end what really matters is not the narrative but rather if you both can openly deal with it and be happy with the distance and the result. Just adding my 2c to the others saying to ignore what other outsiders might say about your LDR. When you fell in love you just knew, right? This is exactly the same.
posted by northtwilight at 9:55 PM on July 15, 2018

many people on Mefi don't put much store by long-distance relationships

That’s because LDRs only work for a minority of people. For most, a relationship means shared lives... and then children.

But if you’re happy with your current arrangement with Spiderman, you should own and embrace it.
posted by Kwadeng at 12:10 AM on July 16, 2018