How to you hold onto your personal power while falling in love?

July 12, 2018 10:14 AM

When falling in love or developing an infatuation for someone you're dating, how is it possible to maintain your personal power?

Obviously it's going to be healthier situation if both people remain grounded in themselves while also putting energy into the relationship. But when you're falling hard for someone, it can be so tempting to give them everything. For example it can be tempting, even as a "independent liberated woman" to want to take on "caring" behaviours towards the loved one such as cooking nice meals, helping them with chores, showing love through caring and thoughtful actions. If the loved once happens to be a straight cis male, then taking on these behaviours could lead to the male seeing this free labour as a god given right. Or perhaps this is just an unjustified fear, not sure. In any case, how do you retain your personal power, if your love language seems to involve maternal caring behaviours?

posted by winterportage to Human Relations (17 answers total)

Set boundaries for yourself. Think about what things show love, affection, intimacy and what things may set up weird gendered expectations you want no part of. It's a secret list just for you.

Mine would look like:

I will make exotic special dinners, but not pack up lunches
I will arrange a trip to the beach, but i'm not cleaning anything in your home
I will buy you a nice gift, but I will not remind you of your mother's birthday

etc.

There are things that are HIGH on love/lust/fun and I want those, but maybe I don't want caring acts that maybe are less bang for their emotional labor buck. I would personally avoid those things if I wasn't willing to do them forever.
posted by French Fry at 10:28 AM on July 12, 2018 [28 favorites]

Don't do his laundry for him if you don't live together. Don't be his mommy or nanny. Don't cook dinner at his house every night.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:31 AM on July 12, 2018 [10 favorites]

If you want to cook dinner for him that is fine, but you could do your best keep things balanced: surely he could cook dinner for you, too? How about cooking together? Many people find that fun.

Don't give him 'everything' unless he's willing and able to do the same for you. Expect to get as good as you give, in some shape or form. It's only fair.
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:43 AM on July 12, 2018 [4 favorites]

Reread the emotional labor thread.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:02 AM on July 12, 2018 [8 favorites]

Check in with yourself on a regular basis -- are you getting what you want out of the relationship? Be honest. Look at the dynamic. Is it what you want in a relationship of equals? What does your ideal relationship look like? Is your current relationship that, or on a path to being that?
posted by Fig at 11:02 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

I think a good check is whether you are still doing the things that are important to you or are you pouring all your free time and energy into the relationship. If you used to go running three times a week but now that time all goes to do something nice for SO, maybe that needs a readjustment. Also, is the person where you are at in terms of prioritizing the relationship? If you are the only one putting energy in, that understandably leads to resentment. This stuff can be tricky because the recipient of all the love and affection probably did not ask for it to be lavished on them and may not value acts of service the same way you do, so it is good to check in and make sure your needs are being met in the relationship and outside of it.
posted by *s at 11:33 AM on July 12, 2018 [4 favorites]

This question sort of hit a nerve for me because it became a major sticking point in my previous (now defunct) relationship. The problem persisted well past infatuation stage, so I think you're wise for trying to set up a healthy pattern early on. I, an independent liberated woman, ended up doing a lot of care taking and family relationship maintenance for him (straight cis male). We fell into this pattern largely unconsciously and at least partially because it was our "strengths"--I'm a planner; he likes to wing it. E.g., I text his Mom, "what can we bring to the family birthday dinner next week?" ; shop for those ingredients; cook; shop for birthday gift, etc. Then the day of I'm stressed wrapping gift/getting ready/cooking side dish and there's a fight because he's all "why so stressed, bro?" and "I would have helped if you asked!"

So to actually answer your question: I think setting boundaries and having conversations about expectations not during the actual event is what I would try next time. A big part of this for me was actually thinking about what I *truly* want and saying it to him (and not in the midst of the thing). What I actually wanted was for him to put equivalent or comparable thought/energy/effort into managing it, not just execute my commands. I wanted him to say, "my sister likes green beans, so let's bring that. If I buy them can you cook them since you're so good at that?" not just me thinking of everything and him buying the green beans because I tell him to. For me, being the manager while he was the gofer was not my ideal relationship. But it may be exactly what works for the 2 of you.

If I had a do-over I would say something like, "I want you to manage your family gatherings and I'll manage mine; how can we make that happen? If you want, I'll send you a reminder about birthdays a week out and let you know if I've thought of a good gift idea, but I expect you to be in charge of the gift. I'll help with cooking/gift wrapping/whatever if you give me a couple days notice."

Earlier in a relationship the problem isn't exactly the same but I still think you should identify what it is you would like to *receive* as his sign of love/infatuation. If you cook him dinner, do you want him to cook for you another night? Shop for the ingredients? Do the dishes? Or you just expect him to do some other gesture that uses what he's good at to show he cares for you too?

Maybe a good rule of thumb would be to ask yourself "Will I still want to be doing this for him in a year?" If the answer is yes, proceed and give your love graciously. If the answer is no, don't do it or at least have a conversation about it first so that neither of you feels used.
posted by kochenta at 12:08 PM on July 12, 2018 [15 favorites]

Examples of times when a caring behavior is happy and good for the relationship:
- doing a task together (eg cooking together, cleaning up after as a team, both doing chores now so you can do something fun sooner)
- doing a special favor (eg I never make lunch for my honey and don't plan on doing so in the future, but because I know he has a [thing] today I will pack a special lunch that has some food and a cute note, and it is a special occasion when I hand it to him.)
- trading favors (it was so sweet of him to toss my workout clothes in with his laundry, let me fold the whole load as thanks; aww thanks for dinner, let me wash up)

Examples of times when caring behavior is surrendering power or agency:
- doing a task more than once in a way that implies future behaviors (eg, making a normal lunch on a random weekday and not making a big deal when you hand it over)
- doing a caring task for someone who is ignoring you while you do it (eg washing dishes while he watches tv)
- taking on a caring task specifically so that he doesn't have to do it, not because you need it done (I had a boyfriend who put gas in my car because apparently I am a delicate flower who cannot operate a pump (I was not impressed). I have had to retrain myself to not take over my husband's phone errands just because he hates doing them; I am not his secretary and his dental appointment is not my problem... but I will make phone calls for dinner reservations because it's my dinner too.)
- doing things for him (caring tasks) that are actually changing his life to suit you, such as cleaning his bathroom for the first time in a year, packing lunches that are much healthier than that fast food he always eats, etc.
- unfulfilled trading of favors, i.e. doing lots of things for him in the hopes he'll feel guilty and start doing things for you.

Note that trading favors is good, and saying what you want doesn't make it any less kind. "Hey, honey, I'm happy to help you vacuum your place today, do you think we can do mine next weekend?" "Can I cook you dinner tomorrow? And can you have your kitchen clean to work in?" Where things go bad, or get uncomfortably traditional, is when the favors she's doing are household chores and packing lunches and the reciprocating he's doing is in the form of buying dinners and giving flowers/gifts/oral sex. So ask for the kinds of actions that will help you not feel like your kindness is being taken advantage of.
posted by aimedwander at 12:09 PM on July 12, 2018 [19 favorites]

Re-reading that whole emotional labor thread is labor in itself lol, but a good read.

I tend to skew on the worry/carer side, and cooking and food and acts of service are how I express my love. So I don’t mind making lunch for my partner (if I’m making mine and have enough time) and cooking dinner, so if you truly enjoy doing those things AND your partner recognizes/appreciates it and doesn’t treat it as something you *should* do, I don’t see anything wrong with that. My partner does do almost all the dishes and other household tasks I don’t enjoy. We talk about our love languages, which are quite different, we both make an effort, but it was really important for me to have him try to reciprocate in acts of service. I also think it’s important to check in with yourself and how you’re feeling and be ok with reeling back the “caring” behaviors for your own mental health.
posted by buttonedup at 12:13 PM on July 12, 2018

I did what you're aiming for mindfully, this time around, after definitely not doing it in prior relationships. Here's what has worked for this slow learner:

- I forced myself to state my needs clearly. I wasn't skilled at it and still am not comfortable with it but it gave him something to work with that's specific to me. Said needs are the emotional needs, my preferences for dates/activities, how cooking/chores happen, in the bedroom, etc. Without me stating my needs, he'd just have done with me whatever he'd done before, across the board. You may hate asking for things/drawing attention to yourself but if that's the alternative, speak up! You are worth it.

- We discussed love languages early on and have come back to them several times. It's a really good way to put empathy front and center for both of you, and although you don't want to keep score, it's a good way to keep a sense of balance between met/unmet needs on both sides.

- I check in with myself regularly -- am I doing this nurturing thing because I care for him, because it deflects attention away from something potentially negative/difficult, because some other person in my past liked it, etc. Is it something he values as a received love language or will it leave him with a sense of obligation? Would I rather be doing something else?

- I remember that he is an adult. Has he actually asked for help with chores or similar? He knows how to cook, and even though I am naturally inclined to want to cook for him, I am not his mother, cooking together is fun for both of us, and having someone cook for me is pretty sweet, it turns out.

- I decided early on that even if I am head over heels, I will survive if it doesn't work out. Establishing boundaries is risky, and being able to walk away is very freeing. It is counterintuitive but it makes it easier to speak up, which generates respect from the other person, which strengthens the relationship, which makes leaving unnecessary.
posted by headnsouth at 12:17 PM on July 12, 2018 [16 favorites]

Tell him it’s sexy when he exercises his executive functioning in ways that benefit both of you, in your personal lives. Honestly, I think that’s what kills libido for a lot of women.
posted by alusru at 12:37 PM on July 12, 2018 [14 favorites]

Hello - I've lived this experience and am continuing to have talks about this with my therapist. The best little gem I've recieved from her (in terms of things that apply to future relationships) is "compromise is when both people lean in, settling is when only one leans in". So this applies by asking, 'does my partner recognize my gestures of kindness and return similar gestures?' Also as others have mentioned (including my therapist), establish boundaries so you're not giving up all your priorities to show the other person the love you feel for them. Save some love for yourself to keep your pitcher of love full, its easier to give love when your beautiful pitcher is full. Make sure partner is also refilling your pitcher of love.

Also, I love alusru's advice. I'll be taking that one with me.
posted by vividvoltage at 12:53 PM on July 12, 2018 [7 favorites]

I would reassess whether the things that you are doing demonstrate love, or demonstrate subservience. What would your reaction be if your partner did these same favours for you?

So cooking you a nice meal = not subservient, most people would be happy to have a nice meal cooked for them. Ditto small gifts, organising dates, etc as long as there is some reciprocity.

Coming home and finding your partner has cleaned your bathroom = bit weird if the genders were reversed, puts you in the role of Mum/cleaner, not really an act of love in my book. More an act of ownership.

If you live together and have made a conscious decision to split the chores that way, fine. Still not an act of love, just normal adulting. But going round to your new boyfriend’s house and doing his chores is not a good precedent to set for multiple reasons.
posted by tinkletown at 1:26 PM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]

then taking on these behaviours could lead to the male seeing this free labour as a god given right

That's why a) you should leave them early if they start this b) you have to talk talk talk talk talk all the time in order to have a healthy relationship with good boundaries and in which everyone feels valued and cared for. It is okay to say these things aloud as long as you say them in an open-dialogue manner. Do not buy in to the myth that psychic relationships are the only right kind and that you "shouldn't have to" talk about your needs, feelings, plans, goals, and issues. Both participants in a relationship SHOULD be helping each other understand their operating manuals, both people should be eager to find out how to be a good partner to the other. That's fun, and rewarding even when it's work!

Consider that maybe it's not "falling in love" if it's not a team effort, with all applicable cards on the table.

Certainly, it starts with checking yourself, because it's the only way to catch your own math errors. Women do this thing where if he makes one actual effort to her ten actual efforts, we call it even. We do that because the patriarchy likes this math, it is invested in perpetuating this math in culture and media and laws and everything around us so it feels bad if it's any different. The ideal scenario is where you will eat any scrap from the table for fear of starving to death, even though you could just walk up to the counter and make your own plate. Fighting that is a conscious thing, and you have to figure out the method of processing it that works for you. Therapy, journaling, an accountability buddy, writing checklists for yourself and doing goal checks on a routine basis, those are all tools people use to live mindfully and analytically. Eventually it'll become more of a habit and you won't need such an intense system, but it helps to start big.

I do think it's exceptionally helpful to do at least some of this processing out loud to another person. I can't count the number of times I have been on either side of a conversation with somewhere where it goes something like:

A: And then Y said he couldn't tell me about it because then I'd be upset.
B: Okay but why aren't you allowed to be upset? I mean, are you drawing a weapon or are you literally just having a feeling he doesn't approve of and you wouldn't be feeling if he'd just not done the thing?
A: He just doesn't want me to feel bad. *pause* Oh my god HE doesn't want me to feel bad, it's not that he doesn't want ME to feel bad.
B: *takes a drink*

Because it's really easy in your own head to not really hear all the words in the narrative you're constructing.

There also comes a point in a relationship, like immediately after you become A Couple, where part (not all) of that processing should actually be done with the partner. Like, "I feel like we're tipping toward me being the person doing all the food-obtaining and cooking, which I think is not an appropriate task to fall just on one person, but I can't tell if that's an Expectations thing or it's a You Work At A Toy Store And It's Almost Christmas thing, what's your feeling about that?" This is likely a 5-minute conversation to resolve or come up with a new tack to try together, or maybe it is a deep dive, the first time, into each of your feelings about that kind of household chore. And that's SO MUCH EASIER than waiting until resentment builds and fighting about it, or finding out way too late in the game that someone thinks you're their personal chef.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:53 PM on July 12, 2018 [20 favorites]

Best answer: taking on these behaviours could lead to the male seeing this free labour as a god given right.

that's why you stop doing it the very first time he's not surprised, pleased, and effusively grateful for whatever you did. If he's not, it's either because he takes it for granted or because he didn't actually want you to do it but didn't know how to say so. so it's a very easy black-and-white cutoff.

and if he's not spontaneously doing similar things for you, he doesn't actually appreciate it, no matter what he says. doesn't have to be the identical favors if you don't enjoy them, but things that show equal effort and consideration. let yourself realize what you already know: these kind gestures come naturally because they're an outgrowth of the affection you feel and the generosity you have. so a generous man who feels affection in return will show it because, just like you, he wants to and can't help himself. if it doesn't show, it probably isn't there.

but it doesn't lead to male entitlement, it just exposes it. you being a giver doesn't condition a man into being a taker unless he is already either selfish or extremely passive by nature. just don't suffer in silence, don't say you do it because you love him and don't expect anything in return. you can & should expect equal care and consideration in return, whether that means him doing more to match you or you doing less because he doesn't want a maternal partner.

and don't buy into the love languages junk too hard as a justification either for your own activity or for men's passivity. most adult people can handle expressing love through speech AND action AND etc. many (most) decent guys won't be comfortable having you do chores for them; you can still express love in other ways.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:12 PM on July 12, 2018 [11 favorites]

I would do fun stuff I actively enjoy.

I would not do stuff that is a grind, boring, or, most importantly, things I am only doing because he can't be arsed to take care of his own shit and that makes me anxious/controlling/step in out of "necessity."
posted by Squeak Attack at 4:57 PM on July 12, 2018

It sounds like your primary love language is "acts of service." It's a good idea to check whether his is too or you might end up doing a lot of stuff that he doesn't appreciate as much as you feel he should.
posted by Jacqueline at 10:15 AM on July 13, 2018 [3 favorites]