Our cat sounds sad
July 12, 2018 5:08 AM Subscribe
Finally done with college apartments, we were able to bring my wife's childhood cat to our home. Her cat has spent the last 8 years in the same house, hiding under the same bed, in her parents bedroom. Her cat had full roam of the house with no closed doors, and every night, my wife's parents would watch TV for 3-5 hours, sitting on the couch, petting the cat with both hands. Now, in the house with closed doors, and less petting, the cat seems to meow sadly at us, at a high frequency. How can we make the cat happy despite this (worse) situation for her?
So:
Before:
- No closed doors
- 3-5 hours of pets while watching TV
- Can sleep on/under beds where humans are sleeping
Now:
- No cats allowed in the bedroom (I have a very slight allergy, and I've always heard it's just best to keep common allergens out of the bedroom as a best practice, and I'd like to keep the guest room pet free in case we have any cat-allergic guests)
- We are usually home for 3-5 hours, but we are playing board games, ping pong, cooking dinner, cleaning, doing things other than just watch TV. Even when we watch TV we are usually on our phones or cuddling and don't have both hands free to pet the cat.
After: The cat meows at our bedroom door in the evenings and mornings, meows around the TV in evenings, will come find us at computers/dining room table and meow at us.
We have tried a reversal procedure when we went on vacation. The cat was very happy back at home, so it's not an injury thing or a pain thing. The cat self feeds both before and after, and we try to play with her at least a half hour a night.
My worry is that the cat just likes to snuggle for 3 hours a night, and then sleep under beds with humans, and it doesn't really make sense to me how that can fit into our setup. She's been in this situation for about a year now at a previous apartment with one more roommate attempting to snuggle at irregular times, but she meowed there too.
It's just such a sad meow. Also a loud pushy meow. Sad, loud, and pushy. But I don't know what she wants, other than... to be allowed in the bedroom and to be pet 5 hours a night.
We have tried:
- ignoring her meowing (poorly) (seems to make it worse) and rewarding her with play/cuddles when she's not meowing
- snuggling her extra/napping with her on the couch
- giving her treats
- making sure her food, water, and litter box are clean, filled, and happy.
Do you have any suggestions? Should we return the cat? Will the cat learn over time? Any tips on behaviors or helping her to be comfortable?
Pets being lonely have typically been my reason for not getting them in the past. I do lots of evening activities (though my wife doesn't particularly) so I don't know if I'm just extra-sensitive to this issue.
So:
Before:
- No closed doors
- 3-5 hours of pets while watching TV
- Can sleep on/under beds where humans are sleeping
Now:
- No cats allowed in the bedroom (I have a very slight allergy, and I've always heard it's just best to keep common allergens out of the bedroom as a best practice, and I'd like to keep the guest room pet free in case we have any cat-allergic guests)
- We are usually home for 3-5 hours, but we are playing board games, ping pong, cooking dinner, cleaning, doing things other than just watch TV. Even when we watch TV we are usually on our phones or cuddling and don't have both hands free to pet the cat.
After: The cat meows at our bedroom door in the evenings and mornings, meows around the TV in evenings, will come find us at computers/dining room table and meow at us.
We have tried a reversal procedure when we went on vacation. The cat was very happy back at home, so it's not an injury thing or a pain thing. The cat self feeds both before and after, and we try to play with her at least a half hour a night.
My worry is that the cat just likes to snuggle for 3 hours a night, and then sleep under beds with humans, and it doesn't really make sense to me how that can fit into our setup. She's been in this situation for about a year now at a previous apartment with one more roommate attempting to snuggle at irregular times, but she meowed there too.
It's just such a sad meow. Also a loud pushy meow. Sad, loud, and pushy. But I don't know what she wants, other than... to be allowed in the bedroom and to be pet 5 hours a night.
We have tried:
- ignoring her meowing (poorly) (seems to make it worse) and rewarding her with play/cuddles when she's not meowing
- snuggling her extra/napping with her on the couch
- giving her treats
- making sure her food, water, and litter box are clean, filled, and happy.
Do you have any suggestions? Should we return the cat? Will the cat learn over time? Any tips on behaviors or helping her to be comfortable?
Pets being lonely have typically been my reason for not getting them in the past. I do lots of evening activities (though my wife doesn't particularly) so I don't know if I'm just extra-sensitive to this issue.
This sounds like a much worse situation for the cat. Were her parents eager to get rid of the cat? Sounds to me like the cat had a pretty good life before. Of course getting less attention and being shut out of rooms is going to make the cat less happy.
posted by jzb at 5:27 AM on July 12, 2018 [36 favorites]
posted by jzb at 5:27 AM on July 12, 2018 [36 favorites]
Return the cat, you're not willing to give it the life it's become accustomed to and if its been over a year, the cat ain't adapting. Let it go back home
posted by missmagenta at 5:30 AM on July 12, 2018 [63 favorites]
posted by missmagenta at 5:30 AM on July 12, 2018 [63 favorites]
Bluntly, this sounds like a pretty boring life for a cat. I know you're aware of that, but also you seem pretty stuck on the idea that your life and lifestyle and home shouldn't have to change to accommodate this pet. Unfortunately that's not really how it works, for the most part. I mean, I'm always on the phone when I watch TV too, but when my dog comes over and nudges me I consider it a welcome reminder to drop a screen and pay some attention to the living beings in the apartment instead. That's one reason I even have a pet, actually. Maybe it's time to give some serious thought to why y'all have a pet and how you would like to fit her in your life (and vice versa), rather than focusing on the negative space?
A few questions:
-She seems to really miss the old house. Did she have to leave? Is there any way they'd be able to take her back?
-How mild is your allergy? Would any flexibility on cats-in-the-bedroom be possible? Maybe you could try something like flonase if it's just a little bothersome?
-Any idea if she likes other cats and would be less bored with a cat buddy? I've always had cats in pairs and, if the fit is right, it can be such a boon to both.
-1500 square feet is plenty of space - but is there excitement within the space? Lots of spots for vertical/above-the-ground travel? How much of that square footage does she have access to?
posted by mosst at 5:31 AM on July 12, 2018 [33 favorites]
A few questions:
-She seems to really miss the old house. Did she have to leave? Is there any way they'd be able to take her back?
-How mild is your allergy? Would any flexibility on cats-in-the-bedroom be possible? Maybe you could try something like flonase if it's just a little bothersome?
-Any idea if she likes other cats and would be less bored with a cat buddy? I've always had cats in pairs and, if the fit is right, it can be such a boon to both.
-1500 square feet is plenty of space - but is there excitement within the space? Lots of spots for vertical/above-the-ground travel? How much of that square footage does she have access to?
posted by mosst at 5:31 AM on July 12, 2018 [33 favorites]
Why would you bring the cat with you if you don't want to pay attention to it? We also keep the cats out of the bedroom, and don't think that's unusually cruel. But you can't even be bothered to pet it while you're watching TV because you can't put your phone down? Get a stuffed toy cat. That's the kind you really want.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 5:33 AM on July 12, 2018 [49 favorites]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 5:33 AM on July 12, 2018 [49 favorites]
Here are some suggestions:
1. Novelty - get your cat a new "thing" every week just to check out and/or explore. Doesn't have to be expensive. Could be a feather, or toy, or lazer pointer, or cardboard shipping box, or water fountain. Once you have a few things, rotate them so kitty gets a little novelty.
2. Get a heated pet bed. Cats LOVE heated pads and heated beds. You can get one from Amazon.
3. Try Feliway, the plug in - it has "happy" pheremones and it seems to help with cat moods.
4. You could consider antidepressants, like clomicalm. Talk to your vet.
5. Play with your cat for at least 1/2 hour a day. One on one. With string, or a "cat dancer" toy or something interactive.
6. Catnip and a cat scratcher.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:44 AM on July 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
1. Novelty - get your cat a new "thing" every week just to check out and/or explore. Doesn't have to be expensive. Could be a feather, or toy, or lazer pointer, or cardboard shipping box, or water fountain. Once you have a few things, rotate them so kitty gets a little novelty.
2. Get a heated pet bed. Cats LOVE heated pads and heated beds. You can get one from Amazon.
3. Try Feliway, the plug in - it has "happy" pheremones and it seems to help with cat moods.
4. You could consider antidepressants, like clomicalm. Talk to your vet.
5. Play with your cat for at least 1/2 hour a day. One on one. With string, or a "cat dancer" toy or something interactive.
6. Catnip and a cat scratcher.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:44 AM on July 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
Her cat has spent the last 8 years in the same house, hiding under the same bed, in her parents bedroom.
This is not your wife's cat. It is her parents' cat. Return the cat to the only home it's had and the people it has lived with continually for EIGHT SOLID YEARS and get a new cat.
I get that your wife loves the kitty but welcome to adulthood: it's not about you.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:46 AM on July 12, 2018 [93 favorites]
This is not your wife's cat. It is her parents' cat. Return the cat to the only home it's had and the people it has lived with continually for EIGHT SOLID YEARS and get a new cat.
I get that your wife loves the kitty but welcome to adulthood: it's not about you.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:46 AM on July 12, 2018 [93 favorites]
Yes, you should return the cat. The cat probably won’t learn over time because she doesn’t have that much time. After 8 years of a fabulous routine she has been delivered into a situation where she is separated and ignored by her humans. It is cruel.
posted by stormygrey at 5:47 AM on July 12, 2018 [20 favorites]
posted by stormygrey at 5:47 AM on July 12, 2018 [20 favorites]
Can you find 15-20 minutes/day to interact with the new member of the house? The cat needs and wants attention from the other occupants. Go to the store and buy some toys for you and the cat to play with -- stick with a string, stick with a string tied to a mouse/feather/bird, stick with feathers, or human operated laser pointer. This play time serves as the cat's exercise time because 99% of cats aren't taken outside for regular walks like dogs. The play time is you playing with the cat and not you throwing a toy and then leaving the cat. The 15 minutes doesn't have to be 15 minutes straight, it could be 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes after work. The remaining 5 minutes is spent grooming the cat. All cats love it when their people groom them! If your cat doesn't like to be brushed, it can be trained with food and you go slowly. The first brushing sessions might only last 1-2 strokes. Give the cat a food kibble, give it 1-2 brush strokes (or until it tells you its had enough) and then give a second rewarding food kibble. Eventually, you'll get to 5 minutes of brushing. Consider making the brushing schedule such as every day 5 minutes after returning home or 5 minutes before going to bed.
posted by dlwr300 at 5:48 AM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by dlwr300 at 5:48 AM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
Return the cat, wait to get a pet until you are willing to give it the time it needs.
posted by jeather at 5:54 AM on July 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by jeather at 5:54 AM on July 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
Agreeing with the chorus that this is not your wife's cat and that it should remain with her parents. This is not what is best for the cat, and this is not what is going to give the kitty happiness.
Let the kitty live with her parents where it gets the love and attention it is used to.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:54 AM on July 12, 2018 [6 favorites]
Let the kitty live with her parents where it gets the love and attention it is used to.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:54 AM on July 12, 2018 [6 favorites]
Yeah this isn't your cat. It's your wife's parents' cat. The cat is unhappy because cats are social and form bonds with their people and other cats, and you guys aren't bonding with the cat. If you had to live in a house with two other beings that did nothing but feed and sort of grudgingly give you half an hour every now and then, you'd be unhappy, too.
posted by Medieval Maven at 5:57 AM on July 12, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by Medieval Maven at 5:57 AM on July 12, 2018 [12 favorites]
Regardless of whether you are mistreating a cat (I know of cats who want far less attention than what you are describing), THIS cat is used to a different lifestyle. Let her return to it if she can.
posted by steady-state strawberry at 5:57 AM on July 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by steady-state strawberry at 5:57 AM on July 12, 2018 [3 favorites]
Adding to the chorus of ‘this is not your wife’s cat.’
Get a bonded pair of teenage cats. And by teenage I mean either 12-20 years old or 6-12 months old. Senior cats are harder to adopt and a bonded pair will be able to entertain and cuddle each other. Request from the adoption place cats that don’t ‘talk’ much and aren’t interested in bedrooms.
I’m also allergic to cats a and em I refused to kick my cats out of the bedroom, the advice I got was to change my pillowcase before I slept each night. It helped tremendously. Consider allergy shots as well.
posted by bilabial at 6:07 AM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
Get a bonded pair of teenage cats. And by teenage I mean either 12-20 years old or 6-12 months old. Senior cats are harder to adopt and a bonded pair will be able to entertain and cuddle each other. Request from the adoption place cats that don’t ‘talk’ much and aren’t interested in bedrooms.
I’m also allergic to cats a and em I refused to kick my cats out of the bedroom, the advice I got was to change my pillowcase before I slept each night. It helped tremendously. Consider allergy shots as well.
posted by bilabial at 6:07 AM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yeah, I get what you are all saying about returning the cat. I'll talk to my wife about it. It certainly makes sense to me. Her parents are getting closer to retirement though and already are only home about half the time, so I think this half-life is better than the empty house of her parents, even if it's not perfect.
Just to clarify a thing or two, we do buy new toys every week, there's lots of exciting beds and shelves and stuff we introduce, encourage, use catnip/spray, and we play for at least 30-60 minutes a day, sometimes in the morning and evening. We brush her frequently and she loves it. She seems pretty happy when we play with her. And, of course, when we are watching tv, we pet her and give her tons of attention.
So: She's happy in general when we play with her. It's just when we are going to bed or waking up that I'm really worried, or if we are doing something around the house other than watching TV. I would say before she was 90% happy, and now she's about 60% happy. And, due to the retirement, she would probably be about 30% happy if she went back.
Is the consensus here that I should give up my health and restful sleep, or to take drugs, for the cat to be allowed to be slightly less anxious at night by joining me in the bedroom? It's fine if that's what you think, just feels a little weird to me.
posted by bbqturtle at 6:11 AM on July 12, 2018
Just to clarify a thing or two, we do buy new toys every week, there's lots of exciting beds and shelves and stuff we introduce, encourage, use catnip/spray, and we play for at least 30-60 minutes a day, sometimes in the morning and evening. We brush her frequently and she loves it. She seems pretty happy when we play with her. And, of course, when we are watching tv, we pet her and give her tons of attention.
So: She's happy in general when we play with her. It's just when we are going to bed or waking up that I'm really worried, or if we are doing something around the house other than watching TV. I would say before she was 90% happy, and now she's about 60% happy. And, due to the retirement, she would probably be about 30% happy if she went back.
Is the consensus here that I should give up my health and restful sleep, or to take drugs, for the cat to be allowed to be slightly less anxious at night by joining me in the bedroom? It's fine if that's what you think, just feels a little weird to me.
posted by bbqturtle at 6:11 AM on July 12, 2018
Response by poster: Looking around the internet, in general, cat's meowing at doors at night is a pretty common problem. Maybe I provided too many details. Has anyone solved the specific problem of cats meowing at doors, at night, with a solution other than "just let them in"?
posted by bbqturtle at 6:23 AM on July 12, 2018
posted by bbqturtle at 6:23 AM on July 12, 2018
Is the consensus here that I should give up my health and restful sleep, or to take drugs, for the cat to be allowed to be slightly less anxious at night by joining me in the bedroom?
It's a "very slight" allergy. Taking a Claratin before bed so you can improve the quality of life of an animal for whom you have chosen to be responsible is not the same as recommending you develop a meth habit. It's an OTC allergy tablet.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:23 AM on July 12, 2018 [29 favorites]
It's a "very slight" allergy. Taking a Claratin before bed so you can improve the quality of life of an animal for whom you have chosen to be responsible is not the same as recommending you develop a meth habit. It's an OTC allergy tablet.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:23 AM on July 12, 2018 [29 favorites]
A cat who has lived eight years being allowed in the bedroom at night is going to be incredibly difficult to retrain.
posted by jeather at 6:27 AM on July 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
posted by jeather at 6:27 AM on July 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
Has anyone solved the specific problem of cats meowing at doors, at night, with a solution other than "just let them in"?You're still missing the point. A cat that has lived 8 years being able to sleep near its people reasonable expects to continue being allowed to do so. If you can't or won't allow this, then you probably aren't the home for this cat.
You're phrasing this as "problem cat behavior," but it's really "problem HUMAN behavior."
posted by uberchet at 6:30 AM on July 12, 2018 [36 favorites]
I am a no cats in the bedroom person. My cat got used to it, but she always meowed when she wanted me to get up and feed her, which was often way earlier than I wanted to. And I got her plus a sibling when she was a kitten, so YMMV.
But it honestly sounds like you might get more sleep if you take something for your allergies, since you can’t be getting much now.
posted by FencingGal at 6:31 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
But it honestly sounds like you might get more sleep if you take something for your allergies, since you can’t be getting much now.
posted by FencingGal at 6:31 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you're not the right home for this cat and you rehome it, you are not doing anything wrong, you are not dumping a cat or getting rid of pets. You gave it a good shot, but the cat is unhappy, and it doesn't make you or your wife monsters to decide to let her parents take the cat back where it will be happier. And if it turns out that in fact the cat is even unhappier with your inlaws because of lifestyle changes post retirement, you can take the cat back again.
posted by jeather at 6:56 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by jeather at 6:56 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
Mod note: OP, please be mindful not to turn this into a debate. Don't follow up unless you e.g. need to clarify something important. (FAQ)
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 6:56 AM on July 12, 2018
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane (staff) at 6:56 AM on July 12, 2018
I'm sorry if this feels like a pile-on, and I don't meant to add to that if that's the case. But this just seems cruel to me--an older cat, taken from the only home she's ever known, and clearly very unhappy in her new environment. She's really just not getting enough attention, and you're not going to be able to retrain her to be happy in that environment at her age. I am also confused about how "near retirement"="less time at home" (I guess they plan to travel extensively?), but it's certainly worth a try to see if she's happier there.
posted by tiger tiger at 7:00 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by tiger tiger at 7:00 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Honestly, with your updates that sounds like a pretty good life for a cat. 30-60 minutes of play time a day? That's more than many, many kitties get. My partner and I inherited the best cat that ever lived (who just suddenly passed away last week so excuse the tears on the screen) from his mother when the cat was about 11 years old. That's pretty old for a big change in lifestyle that included downsizing from a 3-story house to an apartment, and from having 4 other cats around (who, granted, he didn't really like which was the reason we ended up taking him) to living with a big greyhound.
Was there an adjustment period? Sure. But he settled in and with some attention and cuddles and a little bit of time he became very, very happy. Are you sure the cat is sad? Winston became more and more vocal during the years we were lucky to have him. We attributed some of it to no longer being harassed by other cats and feeling more comfortable, not less. Some of it may have been old age. But really, he was just a talker. He'd meow at us for attention, sure, but if we didn't give it to him right at that moment it doesn't mean he was neglected.
I will say that not letting him sleep with you is probably a little lonely for your kitty. Especially if he would sleep under the bed (rather than on it), I think you should consider taking an OTC allergy pill at night and getting a fan with a HEPA filter and allowing him in your bedroom. But that's just me, who desperately misses feeling the weight of my fluffy buddy on my legs or chest in the middle of the night.
Given that for whatever reason, the parents' retirement will lead to less time at home, you should keep the cat and make that work. I think your question is a little melodramatic and some of the answer-ers picked up and ran with that, hence the tone of the answers. Cats meow. Cats tend to not like closed doors. Cats like to sleep with their people. This is fixable if you're willing to try.
posted by misskaz at 7:00 AM on July 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
Was there an adjustment period? Sure. But he settled in and with some attention and cuddles and a little bit of time he became very, very happy. Are you sure the cat is sad? Winston became more and more vocal during the years we were lucky to have him. We attributed some of it to no longer being harassed by other cats and feeling more comfortable, not less. Some of it may have been old age. But really, he was just a talker. He'd meow at us for attention, sure, but if we didn't give it to him right at that moment it doesn't mean he was neglected.
I will say that not letting him sleep with you is probably a little lonely for your kitty. Especially if he would sleep under the bed (rather than on it), I think you should consider taking an OTC allergy pill at night and getting a fan with a HEPA filter and allowing him in your bedroom. But that's just me, who desperately misses feeling the weight of my fluffy buddy on my legs or chest in the middle of the night.
Given that for whatever reason, the parents' retirement will lead to less time at home, you should keep the cat and make that work. I think your question is a little melodramatic and some of the answer-ers picked up and ran with that, hence the tone of the answers. Cats meow. Cats tend to not like closed doors. Cats like to sleep with their people. This is fixable if you're willing to try.
posted by misskaz at 7:00 AM on July 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
Just chiming in to say that no, I do not think you are required to sleep in the same room as the cat if you're allergic. Sleep and health are important, and allergy meds (while wonderful) don't always totally fix the issue and can have other lousy effects on you, esp if taking long term (source- long time allergy sufferer here). However, nthing others who have said the cat is used to something that you're not giving and is reasonably unhappy about that. You could try putting it back with the parents and see how it adapts to the changes there.
posted by DTMFA at 7:04 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by DTMFA at 7:04 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
Imagine you were no longer able to sleep in a bed, and you no longer could receive physical affection from your loved ones in the way that you desire most. But, on the PLUS side, you get some extra time to play ping pong or video games or something else you like.
Would you be happy?
You have explained that you are unable and unwilling to give the cat what it needs to be happy. That's fine, that doesn't mean you have a bad cat or that you are a bad person, but it does mean you are a bad match. And while sometimes cats must live with poor matches due to lack of alternatives, you have a clear alternative right here: send the cat to her home. Even if the parents will be around less, I guarantee the cat will be happier there. And while I believe what you say about your behavior and the cats behavior, I don't believe you when you say the cat will be less happy with the parents after retirement, because I don't think you understand cats that well. Again, this is not a personal criticism of you; some of the best people in the world don't know much about cats, but hopefully they seriously consider the advice of the masses of cat experts they have appealed to :)
I don't think a life with you will be intolerable for the cat, but there's no One-Weird-Trick! that will make her stop meowing at closed doors. She's a middle-aged to old cat, not a pliable kitten, and she will almost certainly be happier back home.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:16 AM on July 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
Would you be happy?
You have explained that you are unable and unwilling to give the cat what it needs to be happy. That's fine, that doesn't mean you have a bad cat or that you are a bad person, but it does mean you are a bad match. And while sometimes cats must live with poor matches due to lack of alternatives, you have a clear alternative right here: send the cat to her home. Even if the parents will be around less, I guarantee the cat will be happier there. And while I believe what you say about your behavior and the cats behavior, I don't believe you when you say the cat will be less happy with the parents after retirement, because I don't think you understand cats that well. Again, this is not a personal criticism of you; some of the best people in the world don't know much about cats, but hopefully they seriously consider the advice of the masses of cat experts they have appealed to :)
I don't think a life with you will be intolerable for the cat, but there's no One-Weird-Trick! that will make her stop meowing at closed doors. She's a middle-aged to old cat, not a pliable kitten, and she will almost certainly be happier back home.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:16 AM on July 12, 2018 [10 favorites]
Best answer: I am a Certified Cat Lady and this doesn't sound like a bad cat life. Maybe not as good as the cat was used to, but if her parents really aren't going to be spending as much time at home then what's the alternative? Finding homes for grown cats is incredibly difficult. Normally I would recommend getting another cat for company but if the cat is older and has been alone all their lives it might not work.
That all said, you should definitely make doubly sure that the parents' lifestyle will change that much. Normally people make a lot of plans for their post-retirement life but they still don't change their routine significantly.
Re: allergies. I have cats and I've had allergic partners with mild-to-moderate allergies. They actually got used to my cats to the point they didn't need to take allergy medication. The only major difference was I changed the sheets more often (which I probably should have been doing anyway). This was in a bedroom with rugs and curtains, too. Basically in the beginning they'd take a low-key allergy med but after a while just didn't need to. In fact, now one of them has two cats of their own! So you could always experiment with that. The fact that you're able to live in the rest of the house without issues (presumably) is a really good indicator that you too could have the cat-in-bedroom life.
Does the cat have a cat tree or shelves? Particularly one by windows? Vertical space and window perches help a lot when it comes to expanding a cat's world. If the cat liked hiding under the bed, are there places for the cat to go?
Do you switch up the toys? I have a basket and I'll periodically put my cats' toys away and break out new ones.
Depending on your location you could also experiment with leash-training and taking the cat on walks. Not so great in a busy city area, especially if there are lots of dogs, but if you have a quieter street (or even better, a backyard) then I've heard it can do wonders. Make sure you have a REALLY good harness though, like a full-body walking vest, and practice a lot inside to make sure the cat can't squiggle out. I haven't had any luck with harnesses for small dogs or the popular Come-With-Me-Kitty harness, every cat I've tried those on (over 5 cats at this point) have figured out how to maneuver out of them.
posted by Anonymous at 7:25 AM on July 12, 2018
That all said, you should definitely make doubly sure that the parents' lifestyle will change that much. Normally people make a lot of plans for their post-retirement life but they still don't change their routine significantly.
Re: allergies. I have cats and I've had allergic partners with mild-to-moderate allergies. They actually got used to my cats to the point they didn't need to take allergy medication. The only major difference was I changed the sheets more often (which I probably should have been doing anyway). This was in a bedroom with rugs and curtains, too. Basically in the beginning they'd take a low-key allergy med but after a while just didn't need to. In fact, now one of them has two cats of their own! So you could always experiment with that. The fact that you're able to live in the rest of the house without issues (presumably) is a really good indicator that you too could have the cat-in-bedroom life.
Does the cat have a cat tree or shelves? Particularly one by windows? Vertical space and window perches help a lot when it comes to expanding a cat's world. If the cat liked hiding under the bed, are there places for the cat to go?
Do you switch up the toys? I have a basket and I'll periodically put my cats' toys away and break out new ones.
Depending on your location you could also experiment with leash-training and taking the cat on walks. Not so great in a busy city area, especially if there are lots of dogs, but if you have a quieter street (or even better, a backyard) then I've heard it can do wonders. Make sure you have a REALLY good harness though, like a full-body walking vest, and practice a lot inside to make sure the cat can't squiggle out. I haven't had any luck with harnesses for small dogs or the popular Come-With-Me-Kitty harness, every cat I've tried those on (over 5 cats at this point) have figured out how to maneuver out of them.
posted by Anonymous at 7:25 AM on July 12, 2018
You could also switch about half of that playtime to dedicated petting time, and let the cat snuggle with y'all while you did watch TV, even if it isn't 5 hours a night. (Sorry about calling her "him" in my earlier answer.)
posted by misskaz at 7:27 AM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by misskaz at 7:27 AM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
I do think that you're overblowing how hard it is to take allergy stuff by at least a smidge and that part of the joy of having a cat is bedtime and morning petting, but this:
This seems to be more of a curious mew than a howl.
If I had to adjust my lifestyle until my cats stopped expressing opinions about things, I would not be able to do literally anything. Cats making noise is not an indication of abject misery. My cats yell at me about my decisions all the time in much stronger language than this and they're spoiled children.
So yeah, I'd just put less emphasis on play at her age and more emphasis on giving her a bit of snuggling/petting time, but I don't think the problem is her being desperately unhappy, the problem is whether you prefer "cat outside and slightly noisy" or "cat in the bedroom and less noisy".
If the parents want the cat back, of course, that's different, but I don't think you have a life that is fundamentally awful for a cat or anything.
posted by Sequence at 7:32 AM on July 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
This seems to be more of a curious mew than a howl.
If I had to adjust my lifestyle until my cats stopped expressing opinions about things, I would not be able to do literally anything. Cats making noise is not an indication of abject misery. My cats yell at me about my decisions all the time in much stronger language than this and they're spoiled children.
So yeah, I'd just put less emphasis on play at her age and more emphasis on giving her a bit of snuggling/petting time, but I don't think the problem is her being desperately unhappy, the problem is whether you prefer "cat outside and slightly noisy" or "cat in the bedroom and less noisy".
If the parents want the cat back, of course, that's different, but I don't think you have a life that is fundamentally awful for a cat or anything.
posted by Sequence at 7:32 AM on July 12, 2018 [7 favorites]
Hmmmmmm. I agree, the best place for the cat is with the parents, if the parents would enjoy having the cat back. If the parents are reluctant to have the cat back, I also agree that living with you doesnt sound like its all that bad, many cats live in situations that are much less ideal. Could the parents come for visits? The cat may truly just be missing her people. Regular visits from the parents might help? As for meowing outside the door to the bedroom I think it will probably be easier and kinder to deal with your allergies in the ways many here suggested, rather than gritting your teeth and listening to a lonely cat every night. Also I love the idea of outside walks for the cat if possible, this will give her something positive to concentrate on. Go slowly and dont pressure her if she doesnt seem into it, not all cats are comfortable being outside. Is it possible to build her a small catio? There are some very creative and inexpensive ideas about catios on you tube that you might check out.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:46 AM on July 12, 2018
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:46 AM on July 12, 2018
- The cat is older and likely has developed a thyroid issue or something else, so take the cat to the vet for a full work up!
- Your cat is grieving the loss of the company of your in-laws. Can you take the cat for a visit?
I recommend a vet and regular visits.
posted by jbenben at 7:49 AM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
- Your cat is grieving the loss of the company of your in-laws. Can you take the cat for a visit?
I recommend a vet and regular visits.
posted by jbenben at 7:49 AM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
If your inlaws will be in the house less often and this means the cat will be alone (super bad idea), then you should keep it. If you keep it, either start allergy shots or start taking Benadryl at night and let the cat into the bedroom. The cat wants to sleep near its people.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:02 AM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 8:02 AM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
I read your question from bed with a cat curled up next to me. I’m also more than slightly allergic to cats; when I first adopted her I couldn’t stop sniffling at the animal shelter. But now I only take allergy meds for a week every few months when my allergies flare up, and then they settle down again. I can even volunteer at the shelter, not to mention sleep every night with a long haired cat, with no problem.
There's a good chance you won't even need to take drugs continuously or change your sheets more often, if you let the cat in your bedroom. Win win.
posted by serelliya at 8:12 AM on July 12, 2018
There's a good chance you won't even need to take drugs continuously or change your sheets more often, if you let the cat in your bedroom. Win win.
posted by serelliya at 8:12 AM on July 12, 2018
One thing I haven't seen mentioned: when it mews in the morning or makes this particular sound when you're awake, talk to it and meow back! Sometimes cats just want some conversation. At the very least it might provide some new stimulus and you can do that while making breakfast etc. Teach it new meows too. Especially that prrrrup! sound where you trill your tongue. #catlady
posted by purple_bird at 8:41 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by purple_bird at 8:41 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
Just chiming in to say that no, I do not think you are required to sleep in the same room as the cat if you're allergic.
100% agree. I loved my cats, but not having them in the bedroom greatly reduced my sinus problems. Pills, sprays and the rest did not help - only removing the cats from the space helped. My cats got used to it, slept in the living room, no howling, no problem.
Eventually I gave my cats to my parents, as Mr. Hubris is more allergic even then I am. The cats have been living with them happily ever since, about four years now. I miss them, but they have been great for my parents' mental health, and, in agreement with other commentators, I think they are no longer "my" cats. They would be traumatized if I took them back now, as they would not have anything like free roam of my house. They are very happy where they are - even with the recent passing of my mother, they love my Dad, follow him around the house, etc. I would not be doing either my Dad or the cats a favor if I suddenly brought them back to my house after four years. Let alone eight.
I think you should consider that the cats know the people in the other house and will probably be happier there even if the people aren't around as much. They will still get to sleep under the bed, and presumably some TV will still be watched, so the cat will get some double-handed petting that way. My recommendation: return cat. Consider adopting an older, standoffish cat, who will not mind being left alone for hours, and who will be taught from the first that some rooms are off limits. It doesn't sound like you are neglecting the cat you have now. It sounds more like he or she just wants to go home.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 8:49 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
100% agree. I loved my cats, but not having them in the bedroom greatly reduced my sinus problems. Pills, sprays and the rest did not help - only removing the cats from the space helped. My cats got used to it, slept in the living room, no howling, no problem.
Eventually I gave my cats to my parents, as Mr. Hubris is more allergic even then I am. The cats have been living with them happily ever since, about four years now. I miss them, but they have been great for my parents' mental health, and, in agreement with other commentators, I think they are no longer "my" cats. They would be traumatized if I took them back now, as they would not have anything like free roam of my house. They are very happy where they are - even with the recent passing of my mother, they love my Dad, follow him around the house, etc. I would not be doing either my Dad or the cats a favor if I suddenly brought them back to my house after four years. Let alone eight.
I think you should consider that the cats know the people in the other house and will probably be happier there even if the people aren't around as much. They will still get to sleep under the bed, and presumably some TV will still be watched, so the cat will get some double-handed petting that way. My recommendation: return cat. Consider adopting an older, standoffish cat, who will not mind being left alone for hours, and who will be taught from the first that some rooms are off limits. It doesn't sound like you are neglecting the cat you have now. It sounds more like he or she just wants to go home.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 8:49 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
Has anyone solved the specific problem of cats meowing at doors, at night, with a solution other than "just let them in"?
No. A really social cat that wants its humans can be incredibly persistent. A roommate's cat would whine, claw, and plead to get into my room at night and no form of scolding, spray bottles, or anything else would disuade it.
I would suggest you consider that taking OTC allergy medications to live with a pet may have serious side effects. There's been research showing that taking them often can have negative effects.
Please be careful cherry picking answers that agree with your desired outcome rather than what's best for the cat. The level of attention you're giving may be good for many cats and some elderly cats may be capable of adjusting but others cannot.
posted by Candleman at 9:44 AM on July 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
No. A really social cat that wants its humans can be incredibly persistent. A roommate's cat would whine, claw, and plead to get into my room at night and no form of scolding, spray bottles, or anything else would disuade it.
I would suggest you consider that taking OTC allergy medications to live with a pet may have serious side effects. There's been research showing that taking them often can have negative effects.
Please be careful cherry picking answers that agree with your desired outcome rather than what's best for the cat. The level of attention you're giving may be good for many cats and some elderly cats may be capable of adjusting but others cannot.
posted by Candleman at 9:44 AM on July 12, 2018 [4 favorites]
Kitty is in her teens, it sounds like. Old pets have trouble with change. If the parents are local, send kitty back home, and have kitty come to you when parents are away. Many cats are very happy with the life you can provide, but this one isn't adapting.
posted by theora55 at 9:48 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 9:48 AM on July 12, 2018 [2 favorites]
feliway diffusers helped reduce this a lot in our house.
posted by evilmonk at 11:18 AM on July 12, 2018
posted by evilmonk at 11:18 AM on July 12, 2018
Honestly, this sounds like maybe this is not the cat for you. I'd give it a little more time, and see where you can sneak in a little more petting, and talk back when the cat mews, but be prepared to accept that your, and your wife's parents' place, might not be the cat's forever home.
(The cat sounds a lot like mine, to be honest -- used to lots of attention, and as I work from home, used to people being around basically constantly. Finding a home with someone who's able to meet the cat's needs might be the best thing you can do for everyone.)
posted by kalimac at 11:43 AM on July 12, 2018
(The cat sounds a lot like mine, to be honest -- used to lots of attention, and as I work from home, used to people being around basically constantly. Finding a home with someone who's able to meet the cat's needs might be the best thing you can do for everyone.)
posted by kalimac at 11:43 AM on July 12, 2018
Folks above have mentioned thyroid issues, which are definitely worth investigating. But also, older cats even without thyroid issues can become more vocal -- especially in less-familiar settings -- as their hearing and sight are longer quite as good. They do a lot more checking-in and want to be near their people more.
If it's been a year and she hasn't adjusted, I don't know that she's going to. But TBH if it was me, I would be investing in some extra sheets and claritin and at least giving the nighttime cuddles a shot. Because it sounds like going back to the old setup isn't really a possibility, and the new setup isn't going to just spontaneously start being OK with her.
(My own cat is sounding sadder and chattier lately despite a clean bill of health and no discernible change to her lifestyle. She has constant companionship --literally someone is here 24/7-- and free reign over the bed at night. She's just grumpy. So I just want to note that I sympathize both with the "what the heck is your problem, your life is FINE" angle and the "oh god, why can't I make you happy, I just want a happy kitty" angle. I'm sorry you're getting piled on a bit in these comments -- it seemed clear to me from your post that you very much want to have the cat be happy somehow.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:59 PM on July 12, 2018
If it's been a year and she hasn't adjusted, I don't know that she's going to. But TBH if it was me, I would be investing in some extra sheets and claritin and at least giving the nighttime cuddles a shot. Because it sounds like going back to the old setup isn't really a possibility, and the new setup isn't going to just spontaneously start being OK with her.
(My own cat is sounding sadder and chattier lately despite a clean bill of health and no discernible change to her lifestyle. She has constant companionship --literally someone is here 24/7-- and free reign over the bed at night. She's just grumpy. So I just want to note that I sympathize both with the "what the heck is your problem, your life is FINE" angle and the "oh god, why can't I make you happy, I just want a happy kitty" angle. I'm sorry you're getting piled on a bit in these comments -- it seemed clear to me from your post that you very much want to have the cat be happy somehow.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:59 PM on July 12, 2018
One cat talks all the time. She's happy as all get-out despite the back problems and the missing teeth (we got her out of the back yard). The other one talks even more, because she's deaf as a post and can't hear herself talk. We sleep with our cats despite my allergies, for which I take a daily Claritin. And despite having to get up at dawn because it's TIME.
For mewing outside the door when we do get fed up and put them out, we have a couple of noisy fans and we put pillows over our head.
In my experience, cats often adjust far more easily than we think they do to new circumstances, but they bring their personalities with them.
posted by Peach at 3:02 PM on July 12, 2018
For mewing outside the door when we do get fed up and put them out, we have a couple of noisy fans and we put pillows over our head.
In my experience, cats often adjust far more easily than we think they do to new circumstances, but they bring their personalities with them.
posted by Peach at 3:02 PM on July 12, 2018
I think if you gave back this cat and got a (new, less need of intensive petting) cat of your own, you could have a cat and closed doors. Wouldn't your wife's parents be glad that she has additional incentive to visit them, or housesit for them when they travel?
posted by batter_my_heart at 3:50 PM on July 12, 2018
posted by batter_my_heart at 3:50 PM on July 12, 2018
Just to let you know I really love my cat but she is not allowed in my bedroom when I'm sleeping. She used to be able to sleep on my bed with me but she exhibited some behaviours that weren't ok so she got shut out. Did she cry for a time? Yes. Did I care? Yes. Did I give in? NOPE. My health and sleep are just as important as her health and sleep. We spend plenty of time together in the evenings and she honestly doesn't care anymore. Seriously. No crying at the door, no pushing on it or trying to race in front of me into the room. I can even leave the doors open while I'm home and she has zero interest in racing in and jumping on my bed like she used to.
I did invest in a Feliway diffuser and I am conscious to spend time each night when I get home from work (or a night out) sitting on the couch giving her cuddles so she has had focus and attention and feels loved (I hope!) So, at least for me, training your cat to be ok with no bedroom access can work.
posted by latch24 at 4:22 PM on July 12, 2018
I did invest in a Feliway diffuser and I am conscious to spend time each night when I get home from work (or a night out) sitting on the couch giving her cuddles so she has had focus and attention and feels loved (I hope!) So, at least for me, training your cat to be ok with no bedroom access can work.
posted by latch24 at 4:22 PM on July 12, 2018
I feel bad for the cat and wish it could go back to the old house, but I will approach my suggestions with the idea that you must keep the cat.
I have a very energetic, cuddly, and talkative cat who used to be allowed on the bed every night but now isn't, because she kept waking us up unintentionally just by being on the bed. For a while we closed her out of the room, but then I got this cat hammock and put it near the bed. She loves it and sleeps on it voluntarily and now only wakes me up on the weekends when I sleep past 6:30. We have two of those hammocks in the house, strategically placed.
Maybe find a way to put your phones down sometimes while watching TV and give attention to the cat at that time.
When my cat is giving me signals that she wants to play, but I'm busy, I pull her giant toy rat out of the drawer and toss it in her direction. I keep the rat stored with some catnip, so it smells like catnip. Knowing cats, that won't work for all cats, but she loves it and is usually pretty chill after she's done playing with it. Then I put it away so it can be a novelty again later.
You don't mention how old the cat is. My old childhood cat went at least somewhat deaf in her old age, and she became a very loud meower in the mornings before we got up. It's just what she did.
I've known a few people who took allergy medication in order to live with a cat. They've usually been okay with it, and it made all involved feel better.
posted by wondermouse at 6:46 PM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have a very energetic, cuddly, and talkative cat who used to be allowed on the bed every night but now isn't, because she kept waking us up unintentionally just by being on the bed. For a while we closed her out of the room, but then I got this cat hammock and put it near the bed. She loves it and sleeps on it voluntarily and now only wakes me up on the weekends when I sleep past 6:30. We have two of those hammocks in the house, strategically placed.
Maybe find a way to put your phones down sometimes while watching TV and give attention to the cat at that time.
When my cat is giving me signals that she wants to play, but I'm busy, I pull her giant toy rat out of the drawer and toss it in her direction. I keep the rat stored with some catnip, so it smells like catnip. Knowing cats, that won't work for all cats, but she loves it and is usually pretty chill after she's done playing with it. Then I put it away so it can be a novelty again later.
You don't mention how old the cat is. My old childhood cat went at least somewhat deaf in her old age, and she became a very loud meower in the mornings before we got up. It's just what she did.
I've known a few people who took allergy medication in order to live with a cat. They've usually been okay with it, and it made all involved feel better.
posted by wondermouse at 6:46 PM on July 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
Regarding cats howling at closed doors: having at least two closed doors between you and the cat seems to help. Closing a cat in a room with food, water, litter, and a cat tree for 8 hours is not cruel, and will lead to a better life for both of you.
I feel your frustration to being told to take your allergies and stuff it, to just let the cat sleep with you. Don't ruin your sleep for the cat's sake! I will offer my experience as a guy who has mild cat allergies (itchy eyes, sneezing) but who loves having the cat in his bed. If it bothers you, it bothers you, don't do it, but I recommend trying it for a few nights. Chances are the kitty sleeps down by your feet, which honestly shouldn't be more allergenic than sitting on a couch with the cat. Now, if the cat wants to curl up on your pillow that's a different story (personally, I love it when my cat does this, it's so incredibly peaceful, and I don't mind at all the itchy eyes when I'm getting a warm loving body to snuggle up to). Your milage will vary.
With your update about the retirement, your kitty's in a good place. Maybe give her extra pats regularly when you walk by her (& vice versa), but as is, you're not sinning against Cat Law or anything. I think a lot of us cat crazies just can't imagine not snuggling with our cats at every opportunity, but then, maybe I'd snuggle with my cat a little less if I had a rad ping-pong table!
posted by wires at 8:16 AM on July 13, 2018
I feel your frustration to being told to take your allergies and stuff it, to just let the cat sleep with you. Don't ruin your sleep for the cat's sake! I will offer my experience as a guy who has mild cat allergies (itchy eyes, sneezing) but who loves having the cat in his bed. If it bothers you, it bothers you, don't do it, but I recommend trying it for a few nights. Chances are the kitty sleeps down by your feet, which honestly shouldn't be more allergenic than sitting on a couch with the cat. Now, if the cat wants to curl up on your pillow that's a different story (personally, I love it when my cat does this, it's so incredibly peaceful, and I don't mind at all the itchy eyes when I'm getting a warm loving body to snuggle up to). Your milage will vary.
With your update about the retirement, your kitty's in a good place. Maybe give her extra pats regularly when you walk by her (& vice versa), but as is, you're not sinning against Cat Law or anything. I think a lot of us cat crazies just can't imagine not snuggling with our cats at every opportunity, but then, maybe I'd snuggle with my cat a little less if I had a rad ping-pong table!
posted by wires at 8:16 AM on July 13, 2018
If you can't return the cat, set up a special cat space at one of your windows with a heated bed at window level and eleventybillion bird feeders right outside the window with some privacy film or netting so the cat can see out but the birds can't see in. I did that for a cat I had to forcibly retire from his outdoor cat life and while he was NOT HAPPY about living in a small space, he seemed to really enjoy the heated bed and the up-close birdwatching. (If you can't do birdfeeders, a monitor hooked up to an old computer that runs Paul Dinning in Cornwall's YouTube videos 24/7.)
posted by Jacqueline at 10:25 AM on July 13, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 10:25 AM on July 13, 2018 [1 favorite]
Outta sight but within hearing range is pretty much the greatest cat nip ever. Their entire evolutionary history of hunting rodents makes it so.
Close your bedroom door and you become the biggest most exciting rat ever.
I have a cat and cat allergies.
Anti-histamines are really the only solution. Before I was on them I couldn't stay more than 10 minutes in a house that had a cat so your guest room strategy will only work for people with the very mild allergies (and won't work for the entire rest of your place so what's even the point?).
If you want to try avoiding contact allergies in your own bed I suggest you try using a bedspread that covers even you pillow during the day which you take off at night. That way your pillows and sheets stay relatively cat dander free and your cat can be in the bedroom. If you want the cat to stay off the bed you can train that with a spray bottle and when you are not home - sssscat.
posted by srboisvert at 11:45 AM on July 14, 2018
Close your bedroom door and you become the biggest most exciting rat ever.
I have a cat and cat allergies.
Anti-histamines are really the only solution. Before I was on them I couldn't stay more than 10 minutes in a house that had a cat so your guest room strategy will only work for people with the very mild allergies (and won't work for the entire rest of your place so what's even the point?).
If you want to try avoiding contact allergies in your own bed I suggest you try using a bedspread that covers even you pillow during the day which you take off at night. That way your pillows and sheets stay relatively cat dander free and your cat can be in the bedroom. If you want the cat to stay off the bed you can train that with a spray bottle and when you are not home - sssscat.
posted by srboisvert at 11:45 AM on July 14, 2018
Response by poster: Update - we have opened the bedroom door but spray her off the bed.
posted by bbqturtle at 10:30 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by bbqturtle at 10:30 AM on July 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This seems to be more of a curious mew than a howl. Our house is pretty big, but the cat had full reign of the finished basement and everything at the old house, so it's definitely a bit smaller space for her (but still over 1500 square feet).
posted by bbqturtle at 5:12 AM on July 12, 2018