Despairing over long-term financial situation

July 8, 2018 10:48 AM

I am feeling despair over my financial situation. I can't see any way to improve it. I have had depression for many decades and this lack of hope is exacerbating my depression. I can't imagine any way to help.

I live in one of the most expensive areas of the country. I am divorced and the mother of 2 young adults. My son is on the spectrum and lives with me; he will leave for college in the fall but will likely need a significant level of support from me for a long time. My ex-husband is homeless and has been unemployed for a year and a half and is not a source of financial support.

I began a new job just a couple of months ago. I have had a difficult, spotty employment history for a few years, so there's no way I can move away from this job at this point. I make a decent salary--mid-50s--but it is not enough for my needs. And it's too high to qualify for any kind of assistance. I owe for my own school loans, a Parent-Plus school loan for my son, car loan, and about $2400 in credit card debt. I have health and dental insurance through my job, but with a $1000 deductible for health. I just got a bill for a few hundred dollars for medical, and another couple of hundred from the dentist. I need extensive dental treatment, and have ongoing chronic health issues along with a couple minor but necessary more acute issues. All will cost money. Also, I will need to somehow come up with $8000 a year for the next two years for what financial aid won't cover at my son's school. I have pared down my expenses as much as I can. I haven't had a vacation in years, rarely buy clothes, house stuff, etc. After rent, food, gas (mercifully short commute), and monthly bills (utilities, phone) I have only about $200 a month "discretionary" income. Obviously I have other needs that eat up that $200 (minimal personal grooming, occasional dry cleaning, vet care, and, of course, emergencies), meaning I really don't have any discretionary income at all. I live in terror of my car needing work or an emergency room visit. I don't do anything in my free time. Even museum admissions are too expensive for me to afford, or parking fees at beaches or parks, or movies. Thank god I have no friends as going out for meals or even coffee aren't possible.

My son pays me monthly rent out of his disability, and I rent out a room to a young grad student. I can't move to a cheaper place, as I've been at this very large apartment for long enough that the rent is now less than a smaller place, even further out from the city.

I tried getting a part-time job last year, working as a cashier at a grocery store, but my knees couldn't take the standing. I'm in my late 50s and in pretty crappy, un-fit shape. I don't know what other kind of 2nd job I might be able to find. I comb craigslist, but don't see anything other than retail that I would be able to do evenings and weekends.

Do I have any options that I'm not seeing?

posted by primate moon to Work & Money (23 answers total)

I’m so sorry. I am not expecting a magic fix in these numbers, as it’s evident this is a whole lot of systemic problems and not your fault, but it may be helpful to know your rent and rough on other major expenses. If it’s in line with what I’m expecting, I think the “I can’t move away” assumption may be the biggest one to reconsider, along with what exactly the $8k/year for your son’s uncovered educational expense is (housing? Will someone else rent his room while he’s at college?) and how it’s coming in to your budget as a current item.
posted by LadyInWaiting at 11:12 AM on July 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

From what you have sketched out, I don't think you can afford to pay $8,000/year for your son's schooling, especially if you don't anticipate that it will ultimately lead to his financial independence. You just can't. This is the reality. You will end up taking on loans that you have no ability to repay, which sounds very much like enough to push you off the brink financially, which will leave you with no ability to take care of either of you.

I know this may run exactly contrary to what you have always wanted and hoped to be able to provide for your son, whom you must love very much. But if the money isn't there, the money isn't there. At this point it may save you little or nothing for him not to do the first year due to cancellation fees and the like. But I think you have to sit him down, be honest with him, and tell him that if he can't cover his own costs, he can't go the next year.

This is a really tough situation and I'm wishing you the best.
posted by praemunire at 11:19 AM on July 8, 2018 [23 favorites]

The $8,000 stands out to me, too, but in a different way if your goal is to help your son achieve more education + help him do well in the world (i.e., the additional support that you are giving him). Things that I don't know that might be a possibility: Does your son work with a social worker now? Can you gently bring up having your son work with him and the social worker? Perhaps there can be a work environment he can test out and start to perform in during college and/or during the summer.

I honestly have seen some jobs make a phenomenal different in the student's future career. For example, I've seen a lot of biology undergrads work in labs in the summer or during the year and eventually it = their tuition or admission to other programs and opportunities, in the job niche they wanted. So that a big possibility.

I also think that you could plan (not now, but down the road - after your son is done with college, or part way through depending on how much support he needs) - to move to a lower cost area. I moved from a very high cost of living to a low cost of living city and was surprised to find that salaries were similar but cost of living was so much lower that you can bank away so much more of your paycheck.

I also wonder if you plan for this over the next few years you can pick up more skills, etc., which may translate into an even higher paying job in the future.

I can see that you are very compassionate with your son, etc., and I'm hoping for the best for you.

Good luck.
posted by Wolfster at 11:27 AM on July 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

This sounds really hard. I was in a similar situation when my kids were younger. They both understood that I simply could not contribute to their college expenses. Both went to good colleges and completely paid their own way. I am so proud of them. They are now responsible, self-supporting adults and have paid off their student loans. There’s this idea that parents have to pay for their kids’ college expenses, but that is a luxury not everyone can afford. I understand guilt over that - I felt guilty - but It does not make you a bad parent. I know you want to pay for your son’s college, but the hard truth is you can’t afford to.
posted by FencingGal at 11:29 AM on July 8, 2018 [4 favorites]

(By the way, with respect to your own federal loans [the Parent Plus won't qualify], I hope you have checked the Income-Driven Repayment Calculator to see if you are eligible for reduced payments.

Also, and I know this is just a tiny thing, but if you enjoy museums, the MFA's next free admission day is the Friday after next, July 20.)
posted by praemunire at 11:31 AM on July 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

I hear you. I am also a single mom of a child with some special needs. I am also extra broke. I don't think you can afford your son's college payment either. Let him get a loan. He will have to be working for them to get a percentage. That's normal adulting in the US at this point. Do not pay this money.

Yes rent out a room!

You need to have some money for you for the beach and once a week takeaway. Please meet a friend for lunch once a week. Even when you're super broke, you need these things to stay sane and keep going. Child is going to be homeless if you quit. So your health and sanity are a high priority! Take the 8k and put it towards your medical care and beach fund. Because it's necessary for your family!

I'm sorry. Pretty much every single mom or mom of a child with special needs is struggling in the US right now. Hopefully our political and economic situation in the US changes soon, but until then, you're just going to have to value you as best you can.
posted by Kalmya at 11:37 AM on July 8, 2018 [6 favorites]

Re: earning part time money, this thread had some good suggestions. I used to work in-house for a transcription company, and we had a lot of people who brought in $200-$500/month extra money.

Your income is not bad at all (especially with a renter, as well), but the debt can eat so much of it. How bad are your student and Parent-Plus loans at this point? If you can put even a little money toward paying down, say, the credit card debt, being able to get that expense off your books could make a huge difference.

I agree with the others; you just can't pay $8000 for your son's school right now.

Best of luck.
posted by gideonfrog at 11:53 AM on July 8, 2018 [3 favorites]

Have your son call the university (his Dean's office is one possibility) and say that he may have to cancel coming to school because he can't afford it, and is there any way for the school to offer him $8,000 in grants (per year) so he can still come. It's kind of a long shot, but I got well more than $8,000 for making a phone call like that (in 2013, I ended up with something like $40K in grants over 2 years just from making one phone call). Schools will work with their students if they can afford it at all. But since it's your son who's the student, they are going to be more willing to work with him than with you and you have to have him take lead.

Otherwise, you should rent out the room if/when your son moves out, and your son needs to get a part time job ASAP.
posted by rue72 at 12:02 PM on July 8, 2018 [4 favorites]

Aldi allows their cashiers to sit on stools. They also pay pretty well in my area compared to other retail jobs.
posted by soelo at 12:11 PM on July 8, 2018

OP, I am sure you know this, but in terms of answers suggesting that your son find work, watch out for his disability eligibility and the potential risks and trade-offs there (if his working at present is even a possibility).
posted by LadyInWaiting at 12:18 PM on July 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

I see that you live in MA. Since your son has a disability, he may be eligible for some financial assistance at college through DVR (Dept of Vocational Rehabilitation). Here is their website
posted by acidnova at 12:48 PM on July 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

If you are in Hampden County, library cardholders can check out museum passes; here is info. Many city and county libraries have such programs, and may also offer access to other arts programs in the way of dress rehearsals or previews.
posted by QuakerMel at 1:01 PM on July 8, 2018 [4 favorites]

A few other thoughts.
Are your own student loans federal rather than private loans? If so, are you on an income-contingent payment plan? Can you see if you’re eligible for forbearance? If they are federal loans, call the servicer and find out what options you have.
How much is your car loan? Can you sell the car and get a beater? Is public transportation an option?
posted by FencingGal at 1:26 PM on July 8, 2018

Is that $8k per year for commuting to the local community college? If not, as a family you might want to reconsider cheaper options. I agree that your son will have to pay his way through school, but I would encourage him to borrow as little as possible.

Have you shopped around for a new bank/ credit union lately? In short, there may be another financial institution that has lower fees/ better interest rates.

Nthing the suggestion to run the numbers of using public transit/ rideshare/ biking vs. leasing a car.
posted by oceano at 2:09 PM on July 8, 2018

I'd suggest credit counseling. They offer a variety of services at no or low cost to help manage debt and personal finance. They work with creditors to help you come up with a viable plan - often reducing your debt or your payments. They work with loans, car payments, credit cards and insurance among others.

I used to see credit counseling suggested a lot on the green but I haven't seen it much lately. IMHO this would be a great place to start - it sounds like you're overwhelmed.
posted by bendy at 3:44 PM on July 8, 2018

The community college where I work has excellent profs and excellent Disabilities Office. How about two years at community college for son?
posted by Buddy_Boy at 5:09 PM on July 8, 2018 [4 favorites]

Just spitballing some ideas here

- AirBnB your son's room when he leaves for college
- can your other kid get a job and contribute to the household?
- food stamps if you qualify and/or making use of the local food bank. That food is for people who can not afford it, you can not afford it. It is for you.
- check market rate for rooms for grad students and raise the rent for yours if you're charging too little or find some other non-$$$ way to have the renter contribute.
- depending on your location, dental schools do excellent work for very low costs
- consider bankruptcy for credit card debt (after speaking with a credit counselor)

I am sorry this sounds stressful and frustrating but look at even little ways you can get a bit of wiggle room in there so you can feel like you can breathe and consider other longer term solutions.
posted by jessamyn at 5:55 PM on July 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

With your therapist, dentist, doctor, hospital, talk to them about no-interest payment plans, or any other options. I will probably go to Mexico for dental work, as I can't afford it in the US.

I began a new job just a couple of months ago. You've had a long, hard time. Very often, as things begin to get a bit better, you are able to take in the scope of how bad it's been, how difficult some of it still may be, and that can be overwhelming. You are on an upswing, even though there are problems. You have an okay job, manageable rent. One of the kids is able to start college. These are all pretty encouraging things. Truly, I am not in any way diminishing the negatives. But depression is a vicious and cruel liar telling you that everything sucks and is broken.

There are good ideas here to consider. If at all possible, try to allow some good feelings in, you deserve them, well overdue, in fact.
posted by theora55 at 8:25 PM on July 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

That maths does sound demoralising. Increasing your income would make life less terrifying, at least day to day. Some ideas:

Here's a recent reddit thread with a fairly decent summary of online part time jobs. Also Swagbucks, Rev.com and Usertesting.com (and other similar websites) will make you a bit of spare cash, but don't rely on them for a regular income.

Babysitting, tutoring and dogsitting/dogwalking can be surprisingly good money per hour. It might take some digging to find the best place to advertise yourself, as they can be hyperlocal.

Can you sleep in the living area and sublease your bedroom? It sounds nutty I know, but I've known a few single parents who've made it work.

Food delivery is another option, Ubereats, Shipt, that sort of thing. You have to be careful about car insurance, as it may not cover you. It also may not be worth the wear and tear on your car in your location, as again, the markets are hyperlocal. Your son can tag along, if leaving him alone is an issue.

There's quite a good blog called Notes from the Frugal Trenches, that you might identify with. Dave Ramsey is about as far from Metafilter politically as you can get, but if you don't get completely put off by that, he's got about 10 hours/week of podcasts primarily about getting out of debt. And there are quite a few "Dave-ish" facebook groups that are good for support, even if the radioshow doesn't suit you.
posted by kjs4 at 11:22 PM on July 8, 2018 [2 favorites]

Look into Care Credit for dental and medical if you have to pay upfront and can’t do payment plans for them- make sure your medical locations take it. They often offer interest free for 6 to 12+ months.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:14 AM on July 9, 2018 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I am pretty sure we're neighbors as well as single moms in pretty similar situations. I've got the same financial stuff going on, had to recently downsize, pretty significant debt, deadbeat ex.

I can't offer much more than a walk with me and my awesome dog on the Minuteman Bikepath and around the Arlington Res--or anywhere else you'd like. It's free, I walk pretty slow, and my doggo is a bundle of delight. I can offer you a little air, time away from the kids and sunshine, if you're interested. Then we can eat Trader Joes samples.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 2:24 AM on July 9, 2018 [10 favorites]

I tried getting a part-time job last year, working as a cashier at a grocery store, but my knees couldn't take the standing. I'm in my late 50s and in pretty crappy, un-fit shape. I don't know what other kind of 2nd job I might be able to find. I comb craigslist, but don't see anything other than retail that I would be able to do evenings and weekends.

If you have a late-ish model sedan, which I see from your posting history you do, you should drive for a ride share company. It's terrible full-time money but EXCELLENT part-time money, and it's easy and fast to get started. If you Google around for a promo code, you can get a few hundred dollars as a bonus after the first couple months. Since you are already working full-time, you can adjust your withholding at that job so that you don't have to set aside taxes from the ride share money. It won't cover the $8,000 for your son's school, but it could likely knock out your credit card debt (over several months) and the small medical bills, then cover your car payment.

Source: I do this to pay for my car expenses, pay down debt, and buy occasional extras like museum admissions and dry cleaning. It's completely fine.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 11:43 AM on July 9, 2018

Does anyone in your household get SNAP? (I don't know if SSI automatically makes you eligible.) If so, you could qualify for low cost internet and a free smartphone with service (it's not a great phone, but it's still a phone). I save about $100/month this way.

I'm broke for different reasons and I feel your pain. This site has been a great resource for finding financial help.
posted by AFABulous at 3:10 PM on July 9, 2018 [1 favorite]