How to deal with flatmates' houseguests who are also common friends?
June 18, 2018 10:08 PM   Subscribe

I [f/29] currently share a house with two friends (who also happen to be married to each other). The living arrangement is quite comfortable. I have my own room and private bathroom (as do the couple). We share a common living area and kitchen. I get along great with my house mates and we have reasonably well defined boundaries and house responsibilities. However, there's a recurring situation regarding houseguests that I'm uncomfortable with and do not know how to politely work around. Details follow.

Before I elaborate on the issue, I must highlight that I am extremely introverted while my housemates prefer extensive socialising.

In general, inviting houseguests hasn't been an issue. We're all welcome to invite our respective guests (even for slightly extended stays - I'm talking weeks here) as long as the host takes full responsibility for their guest and use of common areas is not terribly inconvenient to others.

For instance, when my boyfriend/parents/friends visit, they stay with me in my room and I ensure that they are not mooching groceries off my housemates or excessively using the common areas. My housemates are not expected to invest any time or energy in hosting my guests (except for perhaps a friendly hello if they run into each other). The same holds true when housemates have their guests over.

So far, so good.

As mentioned previously, housemates are extroverted and inevitably end up having guests more frequently than I do. Also, since they're married, they have a larger circle of friends/family. I'm absolutely fine with this difference in frequency except for one scenario.

House mates and I also have several common friends. Of these, there is an older couple (in their 50's; we are all in our early 30's) that I was professionally engaged with for a while. Eventually, they got introduced to the housemates, and we all hit it off well. Over the years, the older couple and housemates have become much closer friends (I feel their frequencies match well in terms of socialising/extraversion) and that, of course, is totally fine.

However, they stay in another city and frequently visit ours. In such scenarios, they always reach out to the housemates to ask if they could host them. Unless housemates are out of town themselves, they always accede. While I'm never part of this transaction/hosting arrangement, the older couple inevitably expects my time (either in terms of cooking for them - they know I love cooking, or by chatting/spending time with them).

I work from home and have fairly strict work hours, so this is rather inconvenient for me, especially when housemates leave early for their respective offices and the older couple stay back at home. I guess, the issue arises because I'm, to a certain extent, friends with the older couple and have known them for a while. That said, as previously stated, they never really ask me if I'm available/willing to host them even though, once they are here, they obviously want to catch up with me and spend time.

I'm not sure how to politely establish boundaries here (for instance, I like to shut my room while working which may come across as rude), and essentially convey that if they are exclusively coming as my housemates' guests, then I bear no responsibility toward hosting them, and that they should assume my unavailability if they haven't previously discussed their stay directly with me.
posted by satipatthana to Human Relations (17 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think that you need to clearly tell them that you're on the clock for working and can't hang out. Be strict with yourself and them.
posted by k8t at 10:15 PM on June 18, 2018 [19 favorites]


Hmm, how do they express their expectation that you hang out with them or cook for them?

If it's just that they linger around when the housemates leave, I think there is nothing wrong with saying (after chatting for a few minutes) - "Hey, now I need to shut myself in my room to work/concentrate/have a nap. You guys have any fun plans for today?"

"I'm heading out to the library. See you later!"

As for cooking, do you mean they ask you to cook for them, or are you cooking for yourself and they expect you to share? I think I would find it a little awkward to refuse to share if explicitly asked (or even eat my own dinner in front of a houseguest), so that is tricky. But maybe cooking when they are out of the house or just eating in your room?
posted by M. at 10:18 PM on June 18, 2018 [4 favorites]


Best answer: "Merv, Maeve, so nice to see you again. Just so you know, I am not going to be available for socialising this visit. I have a pile of work, plus I need to catch up on some 'me time'. Make yourselves at home, feel free to cook for yourselves, and let's catch up for a coffee/tea/drink/dinner at XXam/pm on Yday."

Then go into your room, close the door and remember: not your circus, not your monkeys. Clear friendly boundaries are good for everyone.
posted by Thella at 10:19 PM on June 18, 2018 [16 favorites]


Also, I wouldn't have an explicit conversation with them unless they complain about seeing too little of you.
If they do "yeah, I know, it's kind of a busy time for me, I wish I could hang out more".
If you do want to see more of them, just another time, maybe say - "yeah, July is busy for me but I hope I have more time next time you visit - let's arrange something for September!"
posted by M. at 10:22 PM on June 18, 2018 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: "Hmm, how do they express their expectation that you hang out with them or cook for them?"

Well, it's largely in terms of catching up (what I'm upto, what's new etc). Or, sometimes expecting that I accommodate with regard to the living arrangement. Since 4 people in one room can get crowded, they often try to suggest that one of them could be shifted to my room. Or using my bathroom (because, again, 4 people in one room using a single bathroom). About the cooking, I've had them over for dinners previously and they've enjoyed my food. So, usually, there are requests that I cook one of the evenings during their stay.
posted by satipatthana at 10:39 PM on June 18, 2018 [1 favorite]


Explain that you’re happy to have them here and more than happy that they use the communal living areas. Having said that, your bedroom is also your office and because you work from home, you can’t accommodate people in your office while you’re working, and because the bathroom is attached, the same goes for that. It’s just too distracting to have people coming and going while you’re trying to get things done. But surely they know this anyway?

So far as cooking, it sounds like they’re under the impression you’re hosting them too, and you’ve cooked for them in the past. Would it be a massive imposition to make one meal for them? If they’re pointedly asking (which is kinda rude in itself) I don’t really know how to flatly say no without causing offence if they see you cooking for yourself already.

However if you plead off being flat out and say, “I wish I could but I’m so busy, it’s takeout all week for me.” And then actually get takeout, that could work. Maybe offer to split a pizza as a concession. The other thing you could do is get your room mates to run interference on your behalf and explain that you’re incredibly busy and won’t be around much to socialise so this is all nipped in the bud before it starts. They really need to be the ones to manage this.
posted by Jubey at 11:07 PM on June 18, 2018 [10 favorites]


If the major issue is that you aren’t consulted about the timing, you could bring this up with your housemates now, before the next visit is scheduled. maybe “hey, I like Couple X too, and I’d like to plan ahead do I can spend an evening with y’all when they are in town; let me know when you start scheduling the next visit”.

If the problem not when but how the visits go, then it’s tougher; you can still lay some groundwork with housemates now (e.g. “I get testy if I don’t get alone time, so aside from family nobody gets to stay in my room” or maybe “it didn’t really work for me to host Couple X in my room last time. For the next visit, can we make a different arrangement?”)

Another option is to request no guests for a couple specific weeks per year (e.g. “my finals are this week, no guests please”, or “my family is here until Day X, I won’t be able to host anyone in my space until date Z so I have time to recover”, etc. )

Whatever you decide to do, it won’t be easy to put your foot down, but you will feel better for being honest about your needs (and your friends will feel better too- they might not understand why the visits stress you out until you verbalize a way to fix it). It also might continue to be a bit uncomfortable during their visits, but that’s much better than having someone in your space while you are miserable.
posted by nat at 11:12 PM on June 18, 2018 [5 favorites]


Best answer: They probably are feeling they would be rude if they *didn't* try to catch up, ask what's new of you, etc. They likely don't want you to feel that they've shifted all their friendship entirely onto the housemates, which could make you feel left out; they are trying to express that they are still friends with you as well even though their ties are now closer to the housemates, their actual hosts. In fact, they might feel that if they didn't make an effort to socialize with you, you could feel much more resentful of their visit and they may believe that having a big friendship with everyone would make it a more comfortable visit for you, not less. If they see all 3 of you as a household, almost as a family, then they will be especially careful to include you in ways that to you feel like an intrusion. Even asking you to cook sounds like they want to make sure you know you're appreciated. Not that it's untrue -- of course they do love your cooking and enjoy your company -- but they also might be worried of seeming unfriendly, just as you are.
If you want to keep up your friendship with them but on a less intense scale, simply say with regrets that you're super busy about 2/3 of the time, or even 3/4, and then socialize a bit more every now and then. (As for the suggestion they use your space, you can certainly always refuse that -- just say something like "I've had some trouble sleeping and am trying to keep my space a certain way, sorry" or something neutral but non-negotiable like that.
If you don't care about maintaining the friendship, then you are certainly allowed to be cheerful and friendly when you bump into them in the kitchen but just never find time to socialize until they get the hint.
But the takeaway: remember everyone is probably trying to be kind and polite in a slightly ambiguous host situation, just as you are.
posted by nantucket at 11:13 PM on June 18, 2018 [30 favorites]


Response by poster: "So far as cooking, it sounds like they’re under the impression you’re hosting them too, and you’ve cooked for them in the past. Would it be a massive imposition to make one meal for them?"

Yes, I kind of get the feeling that they are under the impression that I'm hosting them too. In fact (and I could be wrong), I feel like they see my housemates as the 'main house owners' and me as someone who's living with them. It's not an imposition to make a meal or two, but, I do feel like they might be taking my presence in the house for granted.

"The other thing you could do is get your room mates to run interference on your behalf and explain that you’re incredibly busy and won’t be around much to socialise so this is all nipped in the bud before it starts. They really need to be the ones to manage this."

My housemates are pretty accommodating in this regard. The requests for sharing my room and bathroom have never come from the housemates. It's usually that the guests are perhaps expecting a roomier/less crowded arrangement (housemates are fine with 4 people in a room) and since they do know me, they don't hesitate to suggest that my room be shared as well. I've expressed this to the housemates and they also don't know how to nip that request to say "We're hosting you, and this is the best arragement we can make for you in our room".

"If the major issue is that you aren’t consulted about the timing.."

I am never consulted about the timing or the duration of their stay, however, out of goodwill, my housemates will convey the information to me. Which is fine as long as I'm not expected to engage with them. Also, housemates are hesitant to not host them because older guests have frequentlyhosted housemates. So, it's kind of their dynamic where they feel the need to host each other.

"remember everyone is probably trying to be kind and polite in a slightly ambiguous host situation, just as you are."

Haha, I guess, that does sum it up well. I just wish they would stop treating us as one 'family unit' though and be a little more mindful of my presence in the house.
posted by satipatthana at 11:48 PM on June 18, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I agree with liquorice and I think roommates need to explicitly say before the visit that the couple are welcome to stay only on the understanding that you don’t have time to host them and that they’ll be left to entertain/feed themselves for the week due to your work commitments. It needs to be stated upfront - you’re not hosting, roommates are. Then I wouldn’t feel bad at all the next time they push boundaries by saying that they are well aware of your time contrainsts and no, you won’t be cooking for them.

I may be wrong but it sounds like you’re not friends, you’re friendly work aquaintances however they’re trying to play the friend card when it suits them. After all, how many times have you stayed at their place? The fact that they have a reciprocal hosting agreement with roommates does not mean it extends to you, your rooms or access to your time and cooking skills.
posted by Jubey at 12:06 AM on June 19, 2018 [12 favorites]


Best answer: I think it would be entirely okay to have a conversation about getting advanced notice when guests are going to stay (offer the same) - in part because, these two guests are encroaching on your personal space and impacting your ability to work at home. I would focus on those impacts primarily vs. anything personal about them. I might say things like:

"The way the last two trips have gone, I am going to have to consider finding a co-working space or going to the library while they are here to get my work done which is impactful to my workflow. It would not be a bad thing if it was a day here or there a couple times a year but the length and frequency are too much for me to excel at my work. They are lovely people but do not seem to read my cues on boundaries."

and

"I think they now view my personal space as part of the accommodation and I have a very difficult time saying no. If the space in your room/bathroom is not enough for them, it may be time to suggest they find alternate arrangements that are large enough for them. Again - one-off situations are not a problem, however the length and frequency are causing an impact on my life."

If they suggest you say something to them, point out that it is them that is hosting guests and you take care of all expectations/impacts of your own guests. Perhaps they can re-frame things with these guests so that they're not so impactful on your life.

Also, housemates are hesitant to not host them because older guests have frequentlyhosted housemates. So, it's kind of their dynamic where they feel the need to host each other.

If this comes up, I would point out that the arrangement may be beneficial to the four of them but they have a fifth person to consider wrt benefits.
posted by notorious medium at 4:22 AM on June 19, 2018 [9 favorites]


The least painful way to deal with this, it sounds like, would be through your housemates. Instead of trying to clarify for the guests what the real situation is (you're not hosting them), try to work it out with your housemates so that what the guests expect is a little closer to what you have to give. Ask them to schedule around you the next time, not to set a date unless you're included. Then you can set aside time and emotional energy to socialize with them on a limited basis.

And you should definitely have an explicit conversation about work hours with them. As suggested above: your room is your office, so you can't accommodate them in your room, it's too disruptive, and if the door's closed it's because you really need to concentrate. You're sorry you can't play full host. Then you can also shut the door when you need to concentrate on being by yourself.

If they think they are visiting you, too, then it makes sense that they take your presence and availability for granted. It sounds to me like it would be harder to declare yourself off limits than to agree with your housemates that they can only come when you ARE able to semi-host them, too.

Because if you were a host, their requests would be quite reasonable. But that doesn't mean you can't graciously decline them.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:17 AM on June 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I think your roommates need to be way more explicit with the couple when they agree to host, because I agree that the guests think all three of you are hosting (and that's a totally normal assumption to make -- you're all friends, you all live together, it is one household in many ways). Roommates should reply to these request with something like, "Jane and I would love to see you! satipatthana is totally busy with work that week, but maybe we'll see if we can all have dinner together one night or something." Basically, roommates need to set the expectations that you're not going to be an active part of the visit.
posted by lazuli at 6:39 AM on June 19, 2018 [25 favorites]


Have you explicitly told all parties that you are introverted and don’t deal well with surprise quasi-hosting arrangements? Because I’m like you and honestly this situation sounds like torment. More extroverted types will never pick up why this is an issue for you and there’s not much more you can do other than specifically say that home is a refuge for mostly solitary doing and you need to be allowed to disengage from guests who you have not personally invited.

Tell your friends, so they can manage expectations around your availability. It would also not be impolite to email the guests directly yourself to say that you hope they have a good stay but you will mostly be working/unavailable. Be cheery about it, they should get the message.
posted by freya_lamb at 7:49 AM on June 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Agreed that your housemates need to be discussing these visits with you, not notifying you as a courtesy. With the housemates, I think you can straight out say, "I need your help with this problem, which is that they think we are a hosting unit and we're not and I need you setting that boundary since you're the one inviting them to stay, because I actually wouldn't mostly if it was up to me. I must work during my working time, I cannot host a dinner or have socializing time without a specific previous arrangement, they need to stop asking to use my room and bathroom. If it is too difficult for you to manage those boundaries as part of your invitation to host them, we need to discuss the existence of the invitations themselves. I know it's advantageous to you to host them so they'll host you back, and I'm not trying to be hostile to them because I don't dislike them, but I am not part of that barter system and these disruptions have no benefit to me, so."

You do run the risk of them going to the guests and saying "well I guess you can't stay here anymore because satipatthana hates you" but hopefully they are reasonable people who are able to frame that more like "of course we'd love to have you, but we should clarify that us two are responsible for your stay, satipatthana doesn't mind us hosting you but they are quite busy and are not part of the deal, so to speak, so please be mindful of their time and private space." If you want to give them leeway to schedule a meal or whatever social occasion as long as they confirm it with you, do that.

But look, honestly, even if they throw you under the bus you pretty much get what you want here, which is less intrusion. They may walk around the world thinking you hate them, but that's something they could reach out to you about and you can be like, "Of course I never said that, I just needed my time and space for work and asked them to handle it."
posted by Lyn Never at 9:51 AM on June 19, 2018 [9 favorites]


I think one difficulty is that a status quo has been established that includes the implicit assumption (likely by both your housemates and their guests) that you are acting as host along with your flatmates. It may be difficult or uncomfortable for you to speak up or change this dynamic, but I don't think it's likely to change otherwise. Have you seen any evidence from any of the parties that they are aware of what you are feeling?

It's probably easier for you if you only have the discussion with your housemates and ask them to handle communication with the visitors, but if you could manage to speak directly with all parties, I think that's ultimately better. Ironically, your housemates may well have the wrong idea about the arrangements because of the very things that bother you. (If they haven't been visiting you all along, why is one of them staying in your room? Why have you been cooking for them?) So if you tell them, "Hey, I'd rather not have so-and-so stay in my room when they visit," they might think, "Fine, but so-and-so is your friend. Why don't you tell them that yourself?"

If having both sets of conversations is too stressful for you, I hope your flatmates know you well enough to understand, if you explain it, that you'd appreciate them running interference with the visitors. But even having the talk with the roommates isn't going to be a lot of fun--so I would prepare carefully and maybe even make up a script for myself if I needed to have a conversation that was going to upend assumptions people probably aren't even conscious of making.
posted by layceepee at 11:15 AM on June 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Put a sign on your door that says "OFFICE". You could make it cutesy if you like, with a beaver and "hard at work, do not disturb" if you like. Then lock the door and don't answer any knocks. Wear sound-cancelling earplugs if you have to. They'll get the message.
posted by Enid Lareg at 3:36 PM on June 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


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