Terrified of motherhood: am I alone?
June 11, 2018 5:13 AM Subscribe
I'm pregnant with a very much wanted and already very loved baby. Husband and I have a loving and healthy relationship. The trouble is: I had a horrible family growing up, and I'm terrified of being a terrible mom, and that my baby will end up like one of my family members. I know therapy is the standard MeFi solution, but I wonder if anyone else has been through this, and how you managed?
I grew up in an awful family. My father molested me and my brother was physically and verbally abusive. My mother was not much better, as she was verbally/mentally abusive as well as neglectful. They all had/have a host of addiction and other issues (lying, stealing, etc) that aren't traits I'd want my baby to have. I have no contact with any of them, and will not change that ever.
I surprisingly made it out okay (have had some related depression in the past, therapy, and now am doing pretty well, but definitely not a molester/thief/liar/addict/etc). Incredibly lucky to have a loving and supportive husband who himself comes from a wonderful, loving, and supportive family. (Of course had their own run of the mill issues but nothing like my family's dysfunction and toxicity). He is aware of what I've been through and is convinced I'll be a good mom, and that the baby will inherit my genes (so to speak) rather than my dad's/brother's/mom's.
I'm in a helping profession and people have always commented on how maternal I am, what a good mom I'll be, etc. I'm also aware of all of the research that says kids from broken homes go on to create broken homes themselves, and the likelihood of abuse/addiction/etc is much higher for kids who suffered through those things in their own childhoods. So I'm terrified something is going to snap in me and I'll turn into a monster like my family members. I'm also scared of having a boy because I think the worst abuse I suffered was from my dad and brother, and what if baby comes out like them? I've also just read 'Far From the Tree,' which didn't help my worry about how my baby will turn out, and my tangential worry is that after all I've been through, I'll of course have a profoundly disabled baby because I would be capable of taking care of it.
I suppose I understand on some rational level that whoever this baby is has already happened and s/he is growing and will be born and be whoever s/he is and develop into their own person. But if my baby is a monster, I'll just feel so terrible for it and for putting that on the world. And even if the baby is a perfect, healthy, sane person, perhaps I'm just going to screw it up because I never had a model for what a parent or family should be? For which I also could never forgive myself. And I of course feel guilty for thinking these things and having these worries about this poor little creature growing inside of me, for how terrible it must be to have your mom wondering if you're a monster? Yet I already love him/her so much and have been talking to and bonding with them since the very early days of pregnancy.
Have you been through something similar? How did you manage? Are there parenting classes for people like me? (I know that some exist but generally they seem to be punitive for parents who are at risk of losing parental rights, and teach you not to yell at baby, shake baby, etc., which I don't think I need). I'm mostly worried that I'm going to gradually and subtly screw up my child in some irrevocable way and/or that baby will be born with the familial curse of antisocial characteristics, addiction, etc., which will hurt my baby, my heart, my husband, my marriage. Again, I understand therapy is the standard answer here but for various reasons it's difficult to access at present, and I'm looking for personal experiences to know if everything worked out for you and your kid (or not). Would appreciate responses here or via throwaway email: anonmefiworries@gmail.com
I grew up in an awful family. My father molested me and my brother was physically and verbally abusive. My mother was not much better, as she was verbally/mentally abusive as well as neglectful. They all had/have a host of addiction and other issues (lying, stealing, etc) that aren't traits I'd want my baby to have. I have no contact with any of them, and will not change that ever.
I surprisingly made it out okay (have had some related depression in the past, therapy, and now am doing pretty well, but definitely not a molester/thief/liar/addict/etc). Incredibly lucky to have a loving and supportive husband who himself comes from a wonderful, loving, and supportive family. (Of course had their own run of the mill issues but nothing like my family's dysfunction and toxicity). He is aware of what I've been through and is convinced I'll be a good mom, and that the baby will inherit my genes (so to speak) rather than my dad's/brother's/mom's.
I'm in a helping profession and people have always commented on how maternal I am, what a good mom I'll be, etc. I'm also aware of all of the research that says kids from broken homes go on to create broken homes themselves, and the likelihood of abuse/addiction/etc is much higher for kids who suffered through those things in their own childhoods. So I'm terrified something is going to snap in me and I'll turn into a monster like my family members. I'm also scared of having a boy because I think the worst abuse I suffered was from my dad and brother, and what if baby comes out like them? I've also just read 'Far From the Tree,' which didn't help my worry about how my baby will turn out, and my tangential worry is that after all I've been through, I'll of course have a profoundly disabled baby because I would be capable of taking care of it.
I suppose I understand on some rational level that whoever this baby is has already happened and s/he is growing and will be born and be whoever s/he is and develop into their own person. But if my baby is a monster, I'll just feel so terrible for it and for putting that on the world. And even if the baby is a perfect, healthy, sane person, perhaps I'm just going to screw it up because I never had a model for what a parent or family should be? For which I also could never forgive myself. And I of course feel guilty for thinking these things and having these worries about this poor little creature growing inside of me, for how terrible it must be to have your mom wondering if you're a monster? Yet I already love him/her so much and have been talking to and bonding with them since the very early days of pregnancy.
Have you been through something similar? How did you manage? Are there parenting classes for people like me? (I know that some exist but generally they seem to be punitive for parents who are at risk of losing parental rights, and teach you not to yell at baby, shake baby, etc., which I don't think I need). I'm mostly worried that I'm going to gradually and subtly screw up my child in some irrevocable way and/or that baby will be born with the familial curse of antisocial characteristics, addiction, etc., which will hurt my baby, my heart, my husband, my marriage. Again, I understand therapy is the standard answer here but for various reasons it's difficult to access at present, and I'm looking for personal experiences to know if everything worked out for you and your kid (or not). Would appreciate responses here or via throwaway email: anonmefiworries@gmail.com
Oh yeah, and the guilt eases a bit once they get out of the angsty-teen years. But there will be guilt. Just don't wallow in it. Choose an action instead, to improve things, get help when you need it. It will be okay. (Your description of your childhood matches my own).
posted by b33j at 5:24 AM on June 11, 2018
posted by b33j at 5:24 AM on June 11, 2018
Just being aware is 90%. You'll be fine, no great, no actually probably super fantastic!
posted by sammyo at 5:30 AM on June 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by sammyo at 5:30 AM on June 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
We are trying at the moment and this is a recurring conversation both my wife and I have - we both get tons of feedback that we will be great parents, have a stable financial and emotional household, we both have excellent parental role models, we have a strong friend network of parent friends to lean on - and yet we're both terrified we're going to screw up. I think we've boiled it down to a couple of factors:
1) It's something new - anything new carries with it anxiety. What skills or ability do we have right out of the gate that we are amazing at? Usually we suck royally at something for a while before getting into it. This is what our parent friends tell us is how it goes - you are lousy at diapers, breastfeeding, dealing with a crying baby, but at some point you start to figure some things out and suck less. The point where you see the effortless parent 6 months down the road is after hundreds of hours of practice having parented.
2) The stakes seem so high - as you said, what if your child is a monster? We watch a lot of Dateline/true crime and not all the parents were crazy bad people, so we see these parents and think - what could they have done differently?
The good news - the feedback we've gotten is awareness of what you're doing is the most important thing and any one thing you do that's not great is not going to "stick." An example - my parents were lousy at securing my high chair, as a result I fell a few times before they got it into their heads that I was mobile. I'm still here.
3) There's a lot of outside expectation pressure that tends to drive people's anxiety up the wall. Yes, everyone says they don't judge parents and it's the hardest job of all, but the reality is - we all judge the parent with the screaming child on the plane. I think the key here, at least for us, is to really boil down what is important - and to learn to tune out that voice of "people are judging us."
4) This one is interesting but - it's one of the only permanent decisions you make in your life. You can get divorced, you can move house, you can switch jobs or cities - but once a child is in your life, you are a parent forever. We're both very worried that the luxuries we have today that we love (travelling, free days, sleep habits) will all be gone and we might not be happier as a result. We know nearly all parents say it is worth it, but we're also not sure in practice people seem happier always - but we both want this and know there's an outcome where we're happier out there too. Some of it depends on your mindset - do you long for days of yore or relish in new opportunities?
So - we're not quite in the same boat as you yet, but we're on the dock and we've been talking for months about how we're both ready and completely not ready for this. Everyone we've talked to has said the same thing - no matter how ready they are, they're terrified. We're reading books, are signed up for classes, talk regularly with friends - but on some level, like jumping out of a plane, you'll be anxious until your feet are on the ground and that's normal!
posted by notorious medium at 5:41 AM on June 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
1) It's something new - anything new carries with it anxiety. What skills or ability do we have right out of the gate that we are amazing at? Usually we suck royally at something for a while before getting into it. This is what our parent friends tell us is how it goes - you are lousy at diapers, breastfeeding, dealing with a crying baby, but at some point you start to figure some things out and suck less. The point where you see the effortless parent 6 months down the road is after hundreds of hours of practice having parented.
2) The stakes seem so high - as you said, what if your child is a monster? We watch a lot of Dateline/true crime and not all the parents were crazy bad people, so we see these parents and think - what could they have done differently?
The good news - the feedback we've gotten is awareness of what you're doing is the most important thing and any one thing you do that's not great is not going to "stick." An example - my parents were lousy at securing my high chair, as a result I fell a few times before they got it into their heads that I was mobile. I'm still here.
3) There's a lot of outside expectation pressure that tends to drive people's anxiety up the wall. Yes, everyone says they don't judge parents and it's the hardest job of all, but the reality is - we all judge the parent with the screaming child on the plane. I think the key here, at least for us, is to really boil down what is important - and to learn to tune out that voice of "people are judging us."
4) This one is interesting but - it's one of the only permanent decisions you make in your life. You can get divorced, you can move house, you can switch jobs or cities - but once a child is in your life, you are a parent forever. We're both very worried that the luxuries we have today that we love (travelling, free days, sleep habits) will all be gone and we might not be happier as a result. We know nearly all parents say it is worth it, but we're also not sure in practice people seem happier always - but we both want this and know there's an outcome where we're happier out there too. Some of it depends on your mindset - do you long for days of yore or relish in new opportunities?
So - we're not quite in the same boat as you yet, but we're on the dock and we've been talking for months about how we're both ready and completely not ready for this. Everyone we've talked to has said the same thing - no matter how ready they are, they're terrified. We're reading books, are signed up for classes, talk regularly with friends - but on some level, like jumping out of a plane, you'll be anxious until your feet are on the ground and that's normal!
posted by notorious medium at 5:41 AM on June 11, 2018 [8 favorites]
Hi. Yes.
I have a yoga practice that includes meditation. I personally need the exercise before meditation to help calm me down. I used to do an ad hoc version of what I do today with a short strenuous hike, a meditation on a bench at the top of the trail, then hike back down. It's actually more effective now that I'm at a studio with a community of other people in the room sharing the experience and intention.
If I had done pregnancy yoga, then mommy & me yoga, my early years parenting would have been SO much different.
If that's not your jam, find some other type of exercise within a community of expectant and new mothers. Reach out. Build a community. Invest in some meditation. DON'T WAIT.
Ask me how I know!
posted by jbenben at 5:44 AM on June 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
I have a yoga practice that includes meditation. I personally need the exercise before meditation to help calm me down. I used to do an ad hoc version of what I do today with a short strenuous hike, a meditation on a bench at the top of the trail, then hike back down. It's actually more effective now that I'm at a studio with a community of other people in the room sharing the experience and intention.
If I had done pregnancy yoga, then mommy & me yoga, my early years parenting would have been SO much different.
If that's not your jam, find some other type of exercise within a community of expectant and new mothers. Reach out. Build a community. Invest in some meditation. DON'T WAIT.
Ask me how I know!
posted by jbenben at 5:44 AM on June 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
Ha, I could've written this question seven years ago. I also come from an abusive, dysfunctional family. I also worried about how I would be as a parent. It's all been fine. Great, even. Of course there are hard parts. But overall, being a better mother than the one I had as a child has been incredibly therapeutic.
The fact that you are thinking about these things is already a good sign for your abilities as a parent. For me, if anything my childhood has been a bit helpful for me as a mother - I have to consciously think about how a good parent would approach a situation, since I don't have a lot of good memories to draw upon.
Don't get me wrong - parenthood is hard. No matter what. But I have found that it is hard in different ways than I expected, and the things I worried about (bad childhood) have not been the most difficult parts. You'll be fine.
posted by barnoley at 5:47 AM on June 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
The fact that you are thinking about these things is already a good sign for your abilities as a parent. For me, if anything my childhood has been a bit helpful for me as a mother - I have to consciously think about how a good parent would approach a situation, since I don't have a lot of good memories to draw upon.
Don't get me wrong - parenthood is hard. No matter what. But I have found that it is hard in different ways than I expected, and the things I worried about (bad childhood) have not been the most difficult parts. You'll be fine.
posted by barnoley at 5:47 AM on June 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
I faced a similar challenge and concur that your awareness and your commitment to do better is 90% of the battle. You will hold yourself accountable, you will get help when you need it. You will also not be perfect--and there are lessons to be learned in there too, about having compassion for yourself when you fall short.
Another thing I'd like to put out there just to be aware of, that was a major factor in the failure my marriage. I also was the spouse from the fucked up background (poverty, abuse, mother's mental illness, estranged from my family of origin) compared to my husband (mom and dad married for 40+ years, wealthy family, grew up in a nice suburb.) That translated into my husband being convinced that he had no problems and no baggage, and that any difficulties in our marriage were my fault, because I was fucked up as a result of my family history.
Suffice to say that I was well practiced in the art of taking accountability and getting help when it was needed because of my history. By the time he arrived at the conclusion that he actually did contribute to our problems, and he did actually have personal work to do, and he did need help about some things, because there actually were some seriously fucked up dynamics in his family of origin too--the damage was irreparable.
New parenthood challenges everyone and it's almost inevitable for conflict to arise between you and your husband. Both you and your spouse will have to really dig deep at one time or another. Hopefully your spouse is far more self-aware and responsible than mine was. Your writing suggests that you're inclined to take on so, so much responsibility--please be mindful that not all problems are yours, or yours to solve.
It's hard, but you'll make it, and there is so much that is lovely and inspiring and fun about having kids. Face the scary parts, do your best, and enjoy the stuff which is great, which is a lot, really!
posted by Sublimity at 6:09 AM on June 11, 2018 [10 favorites]
Another thing I'd like to put out there just to be aware of, that was a major factor in the failure my marriage. I also was the spouse from the fucked up background (poverty, abuse, mother's mental illness, estranged from my family of origin) compared to my husband (mom and dad married for 40+ years, wealthy family, grew up in a nice suburb.) That translated into my husband being convinced that he had no problems and no baggage, and that any difficulties in our marriage were my fault, because I was fucked up as a result of my family history.
Suffice to say that I was well practiced in the art of taking accountability and getting help when it was needed because of my history. By the time he arrived at the conclusion that he actually did contribute to our problems, and he did actually have personal work to do, and he did need help about some things, because there actually were some seriously fucked up dynamics in his family of origin too--the damage was irreparable.
New parenthood challenges everyone and it's almost inevitable for conflict to arise between you and your husband. Both you and your spouse will have to really dig deep at one time or another. Hopefully your spouse is far more self-aware and responsible than mine was. Your writing suggests that you're inclined to take on so, so much responsibility--please be mindful that not all problems are yours, or yours to solve.
It's hard, but you'll make it, and there is so much that is lovely and inspiring and fun about having kids. Face the scary parts, do your best, and enjoy the stuff which is great, which is a lot, really!
posted by Sublimity at 6:09 AM on June 11, 2018 [10 favorites]
My family is one that tried their best, but there were quite a few things from my childhood that I would consider to be abusive or neglectful that I've had to make my peace with. I've managed to have the perspective that I am a product of generations of abusive behavior towards children and that if it's going to stop it's going to stop with me.
When I was pregnant I made a contract with myself of things that I would never do to my child. I would never hit her, scream at her, never kick her out of the house, never give her a hard time about her appearance. I was also worried about snapping and turning into a monster and found that hitting was the key for me. I could never, ever start with corporal punishment and expect myself to be a reasonable person about it. No light swats to correct behavior, none of it. I also had to convince my husband that spanking was not an option if he wanted to parent with me.
She's 7 and I have never hit her and kept all of my other promises. I am a safe place for her even if I have to hassle her about pouring water accidentally into electronics. She behaves, she listens and I have never had to use the rod to enforce that. She has turned into a passive aggressive note writer, but at least she can put her feelings on paper.
We've been talking lately about how things were when I was a kid while I drive her to school. I tell her that I try to be a better parent than my parents and that she'll be a better parent than me. With each generation we'll try to improve the best we can.
So what worked for me was reflecting on my childhood and deciding that I wasn't going to repeat the same mistakes. If I do eventually break that contract with myself I will ask my child's forgiveness and do whatever I can to be better from then on. Develop ready alternatives to hitting or other abusive behavior in the heat of the moment, because toddlers are jerks and your brain might be hard-wired like mine to be ready to do the wrong thing. Know that it's okay to leave the room or count to ten or curl up into a ball instead.
You are asking the right questions and reflecting on the right things. This is the right path.
posted by Alison at 6:26 AM on June 11, 2018 [13 favorites]
When I was pregnant I made a contract with myself of things that I would never do to my child. I would never hit her, scream at her, never kick her out of the house, never give her a hard time about her appearance. I was also worried about snapping and turning into a monster and found that hitting was the key for me. I could never, ever start with corporal punishment and expect myself to be a reasonable person about it. No light swats to correct behavior, none of it. I also had to convince my husband that spanking was not an option if he wanted to parent with me.
She's 7 and I have never hit her and kept all of my other promises. I am a safe place for her even if I have to hassle her about pouring water accidentally into electronics. She behaves, she listens and I have never had to use the rod to enforce that. She has turned into a passive aggressive note writer, but at least she can put her feelings on paper.
We've been talking lately about how things were when I was a kid while I drive her to school. I tell her that I try to be a better parent than my parents and that she'll be a better parent than me. With each generation we'll try to improve the best we can.
So what worked for me was reflecting on my childhood and deciding that I wasn't going to repeat the same mistakes. If I do eventually break that contract with myself I will ask my child's forgiveness and do whatever I can to be better from then on. Develop ready alternatives to hitting or other abusive behavior in the heat of the moment, because toddlers are jerks and your brain might be hard-wired like mine to be ready to do the wrong thing. Know that it's okay to leave the room or count to ten or curl up into a ball instead.
You are asking the right questions and reflecting on the right things. This is the right path.
posted by Alison at 6:26 AM on June 11, 2018 [13 favorites]
Do you have any acquaintances who you admire that can be your parenting role models? It's hard to change a family dynamic when you have no example to look up to or ask for advice, and very easy to replicate what you know simply because it's familiar.
It could be a trusted nanny who becomes your sounding board, a new-parents group with babies of a similar age, a community group in your neighborhood with kids of varying ages (and therefore parents who have been through lots of stages), or even a parent that you watch from afar and ask "What Would Kiersten Do?" Social media has supportive groups as well, but nothing replaces in-person support.
Best of luck to you, and know that you will fail some days and succeed some days, and that's okay. You're already doing a great job.
posted by Liesl at 6:31 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
It could be a trusted nanny who becomes your sounding board, a new-parents group with babies of a similar age, a community group in your neighborhood with kids of varying ages (and therefore parents who have been through lots of stages), or even a parent that you watch from afar and ask "What Would Kiersten Do?" Social media has supportive groups as well, but nothing replaces in-person support.
Best of luck to you, and know that you will fail some days and succeed some days, and that's okay. You're already doing a great job.
posted by Liesl at 6:31 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
All parents need and deserve support. Build a support network before your baby arrives — groups for new parents, labor/postpartum doula, a therapist or counselor lined up you know you can work with. Have Baby Blues Connection/Postpartum Support International on your radar in case you find you need postpartum mood support.
If you are a reader, I’d suggest
Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim & Charles Fay
Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne & Lisa Ross
Parenting for a Peaceful World by Robin Grille
<3 <3 <3
posted by sutureselves at 6:32 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
If you are a reader, I’d suggest
Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim & Charles Fay
Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne & Lisa Ross
Parenting for a Peaceful World by Robin Grille
<3 <3 <3
posted by sutureselves at 6:32 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I felt this way when I was pregnant with my first., who is past the baby stage now. I'd be lying if I didn't tell you the anxiety doesn't go away, and sometimes I worry when she does something moderately weird or super spirited (like, oh, see I messed up; I'm just like my mother/father and a terrible parent). I love her so much and she is absolutely perfect. But a few things have helped all of us:
1) Secure a no-nonsense pediatrician who will tell you how to parent, not just about health. This was great for us. Not a non-judgmental type; someone who can be a little bit of a parent for you.
2) Similarly, find a preschool that is interested in helping you parent. The owners of my kid's preschool are like family to us and I trust them to tell me if there's anything I can do to improve. It's also incredibly reassuring to have these experts, with years of accumulated wisdom, tell me I'm doing a good job.
3) Echoing Liesl's advice on finding older parenting role models.
4) Moms groups can be good or they can be awful. Don't worry if you don't fit in with the people there. It doesn't make you a bad parent.
5) There is an updated Dr. Spock book, which I found incredibly reassuring during my pregnancy.
He may be out of fashion, but as he says, you know more than you think you know. Trust yourself.
posted by luckdragon at 6:39 AM on June 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
1) Secure a no-nonsense pediatrician who will tell you how to parent, not just about health. This was great for us. Not a non-judgmental type; someone who can be a little bit of a parent for you.
2) Similarly, find a preschool that is interested in helping you parent. The owners of my kid's preschool are like family to us and I trust them to tell me if there's anything I can do to improve. It's also incredibly reassuring to have these experts, with years of accumulated wisdom, tell me I'm doing a good job.
3) Echoing Liesl's advice on finding older parenting role models.
4) Moms groups can be good or they can be awful. Don't worry if you don't fit in with the people there. It doesn't make you a bad parent.
5) There is an updated Dr. Spock book, which I found incredibly reassuring during my pregnancy.
He may be out of fashion, but as he says, you know more than you think you know. Trust yourself.
posted by luckdragon at 6:39 AM on June 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
I grew up in an extremely abusive family and was bounced around the world with few opportunities to establish strong relationships with people who were not related to me. (I went to 15 different schools by the I was 18 in several different countries.
I have three sons who are now all in their forties. I wasn't by any means a perfect mom but I tried hard to be a better parent than my own were. My kids are great, they're great partners, dads, brothers. I don't take all the credit, by any means. Their father was and still is pretty useless, he took off when they were little. I got pretty much no support from members of my extended bio family.
One thing I know I really did right was to raise them in one place, in a progressive community, and I encouraged them to have solid relationships with other adults. Each of my sons chose aunties and uncles from among my friends or the parents of their friends. Many of those relationships persist to this day. Although I don't live there anymore my kids all returned to the town they grew up and their partners/moms of their kids all grew up there too. They have a community of caring people of varying ages who've known them for decades.
So, encourage relationships between your kid and your husband's extended family as well as with good friends of yours. Try to stay in one place so your kid can go all through school with some of the same kids. And don't worry too much.
By the way, my dad grew up in a very loving stable financially secure family, got degrees from two Ivies, but somehow became a monster, perhaps a sociopath. My mother was abusive too but she had schizophrenia.
posted by mareli at 7:23 AM on June 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
I have three sons who are now all in their forties. I wasn't by any means a perfect mom but I tried hard to be a better parent than my own were. My kids are great, they're great partners, dads, brothers. I don't take all the credit, by any means. Their father was and still is pretty useless, he took off when they were little. I got pretty much no support from members of my extended bio family.
One thing I know I really did right was to raise them in one place, in a progressive community, and I encouraged them to have solid relationships with other adults. Each of my sons chose aunties and uncles from among my friends or the parents of their friends. Many of those relationships persist to this day. Although I don't live there anymore my kids all returned to the town they grew up and their partners/moms of their kids all grew up there too. They have a community of caring people of varying ages who've known them for decades.
So, encourage relationships between your kid and your husband's extended family as well as with good friends of yours. Try to stay in one place so your kid can go all through school with some of the same kids. And don't worry too much.
By the way, my dad grew up in a very loving stable financially secure family, got degrees from two Ivies, but somehow became a monster, perhaps a sociopath. My mother was abusive too but she had schizophrenia.
posted by mareli at 7:23 AM on June 11, 2018 [2 favorites]
The statistics say that there may be an elevated risk for people from abusive homes to have abuse in their families as adults, but it is still a minority. Most have positive, regular old families. The fact that you are worried about this now, before this little person is even on the outside, tells me you are a loving, committed parent who is aware of the concerns and the risks and who is dedicated to making a happy, loving home for this little person. You will make mistakes sometimes, we all do, but here's the thing. Kids are really pretty resilient. There is a ton of literature out there that says what kids need is a "good enough" parent. Not a perfect parent, not a remarkable parent, a good enough parent who loves them and tries their best and doesn't actively do things that are outright harmful. You're already doing that!
You child is also supremely lucky to have a parent who is cognizant of the risks, and who will step in if they need some extra help. That goes an enormously long way too.
This will be ok. It's natural to be afraid and it's natural to make mistakes and for the vast majority of us out there, it is just fine. Great even.
posted by goggie at 8:34 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
You child is also supremely lucky to have a parent who is cognizant of the risks, and who will step in if they need some extra help. That goes an enormously long way too.
This will be ok. It's natural to be afraid and it's natural to make mistakes and for the vast majority of us out there, it is just fine. Great even.
posted by goggie at 8:34 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
My sister-in-law had really, really poor models for parenting growing up. She was aware of this and did a lot of work on herself as well as reading lots of parenting books and building a network of other moms she could look to for advice. She did great. My nephews are wonderful young men. Kind, caring, funny, smart, and resilient. Did she do things differently at times? Sure, she did not have any kind of model for what good parenting looked like. My brother backed her up, didn't waiver in his confidence in her and has done his part as well. She is an excellent mom.
posted by agatha_magatha at 8:42 AM on June 11, 2018
posted by agatha_magatha at 8:42 AM on June 11, 2018
You are not alone! First, know that your baby doesn't have strikes against it already because of your dysfunctional family. Their behaviors are because of their bad situations and also their choices. Yes, it's a legacy in many families, but it's not in the DNA, you know? It's the environment. Your baby gets a fresh start.
Second, you might think about occasionally doing therapy (later, when it's feasible) if you think it will help you sort out any tendencies and behaviors you are worried you might have. I don't see you saying you have any issues right now, but I bring this up from my own experience. I came from a family situation that f'ed up my point of view quite a bit. I had very little idea what good parenting looked like. Although I knew what type of parent I wanted to be, parenting can be very stressful, and it helped to talk out my worries in therapy. I still fear hearing my mom's voice come out of my mouth, and I still stop myself before I automatically say the type of passive-aggressive things she would have said, but I do wonder whether I am unintentionally recapitulating anything without realizing it. Therapy has given me the chance to really think through my choices of how to parent, not because I'm doing anything (big) wrong, but to help me understand why my family did and what parts of that were abnormal.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:13 AM on June 11, 2018
Second, you might think about occasionally doing therapy (later, when it's feasible) if you think it will help you sort out any tendencies and behaviors you are worried you might have. I don't see you saying you have any issues right now, but I bring this up from my own experience. I came from a family situation that f'ed up my point of view quite a bit. I had very little idea what good parenting looked like. Although I knew what type of parent I wanted to be, parenting can be very stressful, and it helped to talk out my worries in therapy. I still fear hearing my mom's voice come out of my mouth, and I still stop myself before I automatically say the type of passive-aggressive things she would have said, but I do wonder whether I am unintentionally recapitulating anything without realizing it. Therapy has given me the chance to really think through my choices of how to parent, not because I'm doing anything (big) wrong, but to help me understand why my family did and what parts of that were abnormal.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:13 AM on June 11, 2018
You're a good person and all the advice above is great. My wife and I have a wonderful 12 1/2-year-old daughter, and the best advice I can give is: Parenthood isn't going to change you; rather it's the values you and your husband have applied to a different set of circumstances. My wife and I never consciously adopted a parenting strategy -- we were just ourselves around our daughter and it seems to have worked out. You'll be fine!
posted by AJaffe at 9:31 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by AJaffe at 9:31 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Hi anon, please feel free to memail me to join the metafilter Facebook group we started for existing / expecting parents - warm sane honest support xx congratulations your awareness of how you want to be is a huuuge good thing
posted by sestaaak at 10:13 AM on June 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by sestaaak at 10:13 AM on June 11, 2018 [7 favorites]
I so hear you. My mother had undiagnosed BPD and alternated between abusive and loving, and I was so scared that I would unconsciously copy her behavior and raise my children the same way. It was, hands down, my biggest fear when I was pregnant and during my early years as a mom.
I think my twin girls were 5 when I finally realized that it wasn't going to happen. Something prompted me to take stock of where I was at their age and all the shitty things that had already happened in my life - and I realized that my kids hadn't had ANY of it. No abandoning them with strangers, no alcoholic rages, no messy divorce, no eggshell behavior - none of it. That was when I finally allowed myself to believe that not only was I doing OK, I was actually doing a pretty damn good job.
So here is what I would like to say to you: You are already doing really great, just by asking this question. Being aware that this type of stuff is in your childhood will make you realize when it raises its head. There will be times when something is triggered in you - parenthood is fantastic but not exactly known to be stress-free - but I have total faith that you will recognize it and do what you can to fix it. If I could give you one gift, it would be that you can have this faith in yourself as well.
GOOD LUCK. You can absolutely do this.
posted by widdershins at 11:22 AM on June 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think my twin girls were 5 when I finally realized that it wasn't going to happen. Something prompted me to take stock of where I was at their age and all the shitty things that had already happened in my life - and I realized that my kids hadn't had ANY of it. No abandoning them with strangers, no alcoholic rages, no messy divorce, no eggshell behavior - none of it. That was when I finally allowed myself to believe that not only was I doing OK, I was actually doing a pretty damn good job.
So here is what I would like to say to you: You are already doing really great, just by asking this question. Being aware that this type of stuff is in your childhood will make you realize when it raises its head. There will be times when something is triggered in you - parenthood is fantastic but not exactly known to be stress-free - but I have total faith that you will recognize it and do what you can to fix it. If I could give you one gift, it would be that you can have this faith in yourself as well.
GOOD LUCK. You can absolutely do this.
posted by widdershins at 11:22 AM on June 11, 2018 [4 favorites]
I think when you're a kid, you don't understand at all why adults do things. When they do bad things or make poor decisions, you have a limited ability to grasp why they do things correctly one day and incorrectly the next and you latch only whatever might be the reason. Sometimes kids figure they are the one to blame, especially when the parent says that explicitly which is common in abusive environments. But it sometimes just seems like... the parents were good and then something happened and then they were bad.
One of the most healing things for me as a parent was seeing the parent/child relationship from the other side. This allowed me to see where my parents likely had control and where they didn't. It also let me see where I took on blame for myself and absolutely should not have. I can now see clearly that certain things are never okay. As a child in your family environment, you just don't know those things. As an adult with a child, you can square the scorecard and at least for me, that has helped me lay some anxieties from childhood to rest. I can see where things crossed the line and know for certain that it was wrong. I don't have to wonder anymore.
I asked a similar question (can't find it or I'd link it) and can add myself to the chorus of, "You will turn out okay." I can't say that everyday of my 7+ years as a parent that I have been awesome. I have spanked (and vowed never to spank again and haven't). I have lost my temper and yelled but then I apologized and worked out a plan for how to not lose my cool like that again. In those moments where I have felt something that paralleled coping mechanisms that my parents had in my childhood, I reminded myself, "This is not the parent that I am." It helps. You can do that, too.
My partner has had to listen to a lot of me talking through my parenting philosophy and concerns because you, like me, will probably be double-checking yourself constantly. Maybe more than someone who had a stable childhood but, you know, maybe not. Parenthood is intense and the good parents do a lot of mentally checking in on themselves. Just like you are doing right now.
I also had to get beyond the fear that my partner would magically turn into a bad father after the baby got here. Because my mother would often say something along the lines of, "your father was so sweet and kind and funny and gentle when we got married...." Like, what happened?! As a kid, that idea is like a terrifying monster, and you can't grasp that there are extenuating circumstances, combined with adult relationship shit that you can't understand, possibly combined with addiction, etc.. For my fears that my super awesome, non-addicted, sweet and loving partner would suddenly turn into a rage monster, I had to remind myself that if that did happen, I wasn't my mother and I could respond in different ways including protecting myself and my child. When I feel anxiety, I regularly go through the steps of how I would protect and care for my child and it helps to know that I have resources and will take action when called to do so.
You are not your parents. You are not their circumstances. You have agency and will make good choices. You will have hard days and if the days get too hard, you will get help for yourself because good parents deal with their shit and don't put it on their children. Your child is already loved and loves you back.
posted by amanda at 11:56 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
One of the most healing things for me as a parent was seeing the parent/child relationship from the other side. This allowed me to see where my parents likely had control and where they didn't. It also let me see where I took on blame for myself and absolutely should not have. I can now see clearly that certain things are never okay. As a child in your family environment, you just don't know those things. As an adult with a child, you can square the scorecard and at least for me, that has helped me lay some anxieties from childhood to rest. I can see where things crossed the line and know for certain that it was wrong. I don't have to wonder anymore.
I asked a similar question (can't find it or I'd link it) and can add myself to the chorus of, "You will turn out okay." I can't say that everyday of my 7+ years as a parent that I have been awesome. I have spanked (and vowed never to spank again and haven't). I have lost my temper and yelled but then I apologized and worked out a plan for how to not lose my cool like that again. In those moments where I have felt something that paralleled coping mechanisms that my parents had in my childhood, I reminded myself, "This is not the parent that I am." It helps. You can do that, too.
My partner has had to listen to a lot of me talking through my parenting philosophy and concerns because you, like me, will probably be double-checking yourself constantly. Maybe more than someone who had a stable childhood but, you know, maybe not. Parenthood is intense and the good parents do a lot of mentally checking in on themselves. Just like you are doing right now.
I also had to get beyond the fear that my partner would magically turn into a bad father after the baby got here. Because my mother would often say something along the lines of, "your father was so sweet and kind and funny and gentle when we got married...." Like, what happened?! As a kid, that idea is like a terrifying monster, and you can't grasp that there are extenuating circumstances, combined with adult relationship shit that you can't understand, possibly combined with addiction, etc.. For my fears that my super awesome, non-addicted, sweet and loving partner would suddenly turn into a rage monster, I had to remind myself that if that did happen, I wasn't my mother and I could respond in different ways including protecting myself and my child. When I feel anxiety, I regularly go through the steps of how I would protect and care for my child and it helps to know that I have resources and will take action when called to do so.
You are not your parents. You are not their circumstances. You have agency and will make good choices. You will have hard days and if the days get too hard, you will get help for yourself because good parents deal with their shit and don't put it on their children. Your child is already loved and loves you back.
posted by amanda at 11:56 AM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
Do I have the book for you! It is called Parenting From the Inside Out by Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell. It will help you move from the "just don't do what my parents did" to a place of understanding what you do want to do for children while understanding the impact of your own childhood on how you got it here.
posted by metahawk at 12:05 PM on June 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 12:05 PM on June 11, 2018 [3 favorites]
I grew up in a dysfunctional family, alcoholism, bi-polar, secrets, meanness, lack of parenting. Have studied child development, psychology, used to attend groups for people from alcoholic families. I have worked with kids in several jobs, worked with people who are serious about doing a good job working with kids, and I learned a lot from them. I've read a lot about child development and good parenting. I've been in therapy and tried to assess the things that were harmful. All that helped me be a pretty good parent, as much as I could be.
The recognition that you don't want to be like what you grew up with is a huge deal.
posted by theora55 at 4:31 PM on June 11, 2018
The recognition that you don't want to be like what you grew up with is a huge deal.
posted by theora55 at 4:31 PM on June 11, 2018
I grew up with similar circumstances as you. My daughter is a now 23 year old responsible and kind person. For whatever reason I didn't have the fear that I would be abusive but it's realistic to be prepared for times when you are at your wits end. I sometimes sat right outside my house because I knew I needed to get calm before interacting with my child again. Also good to have one or two people to call and talk to or ask to come over. Choose needed sleep over keeping the house tidy and making elaborate meals. I felt like I was nurturing myself at the same I was nurturing my daughter. It healed me in ways I hadn't expected. I did take parenting classes and yes most were there under court orders but not all. I did learn helpful tools. I wish you and your family much love and happiness.
posted by DixieBaby at 10:21 PM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by DixieBaby at 10:21 PM on June 11, 2018 [1 favorite]
I felt like I was nurturing myself at the same I was nurturing my daughter.
So much love for this!
posted by amanda at 10:48 PM on June 11, 2018
So much love for this!
posted by amanda at 10:48 PM on June 11, 2018
I could have written this question a few years ago.
I remember that when we first brought my newborn son home from the hospital, I was terrified that I would hurt him - either accidentally, or that some switch would flip and I would turn into an abusive monster. I remember standing by his bassinet while he slept, crying because he was so perfect and what if I did something wrong and hurt him? I also was mad at him because what the hell was he thinking putting all his eggs in one basket by having me as a parent? That seemed like a poor choice on his part. Yes this was very rational.
Your question is pretty focused on what your kid might be like, or how you might magically cause them to become an abuser. But you should also think about how having a child will affect you as an abuse survivor. It's pretty common for survivors to go through rounds and rounds of grief and sadness as they see their own children move through the ages when the survivors were abused. This was intense at times for me: I stopped worrying that I would turn into an abuser, and became filled with rage that anyone would ever think it's ok to hurt their own sweet, innocent child who depends on them for love and care. It forces you to confront your deep-seated belief that you caused your abuse. In related news, I am horrified that I once believed in the idea of original sin. For this, therapy. All the therapy.
And then, plot twist! Surviving and healing from childhood abuse gives you a huge advantage when parenting. It's almost a superpower. Here are some things I've noticed that directly come from my abuse history:
"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." Peggy O'Mara
Parenting books and websites
Janet Lansbury
The Whole Brain Child
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
Kids' books. There's something about reading books to your child that include these values that is powerful.
The Going to Bed Book
This one seems unrelated if you don't know how threatening bed and sleeping can be for abuse survivors. This book has animals being goofy while getting ready for bed on a boat. Then it ends with:
The moon is high, the sea is deep
They rock and rock and rock to sleep.
I Will Keep You Safe and Sound
Brown bears in the den while the first buds peep
Rabbits in the field while the crickets cheep
Robins in the nest while the rain pours down
I will keep you safe and sound
All the World
All the world is you and me
Everything you hear, smell, see
All the world is everything
Everything is you and me
Hope and peace and love and trust
All the world is all of us
posted by medusa at 11:59 PM on June 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
I remember that when we first brought my newborn son home from the hospital, I was terrified that I would hurt him - either accidentally, or that some switch would flip and I would turn into an abusive monster. I remember standing by his bassinet while he slept, crying because he was so perfect and what if I did something wrong and hurt him? I also was mad at him because what the hell was he thinking putting all his eggs in one basket by having me as a parent? That seemed like a poor choice on his part. Yes this was very rational.
Your question is pretty focused on what your kid might be like, or how you might magically cause them to become an abuser. But you should also think about how having a child will affect you as an abuse survivor. It's pretty common for survivors to go through rounds and rounds of grief and sadness as they see their own children move through the ages when the survivors were abused. This was intense at times for me: I stopped worrying that I would turn into an abuser, and became filled with rage that anyone would ever think it's ok to hurt their own sweet, innocent child who depends on them for love and care. It forces you to confront your deep-seated belief that you caused your abuse. In related news, I am horrified that I once believed in the idea of original sin. For this, therapy. All the therapy.
And then, plot twist! Surviving and healing from childhood abuse gives you a huge advantage when parenting. It's almost a superpower. Here are some things I've noticed that directly come from my abuse history:
- Learning to read my abusers' moods has made me so good at reading emotions that I'm practically telepathic. As a result, I can read subtle cues in my kids that other people don't notice.
- I know what trauma and abuse look like, and I take the early signs seriously. When my son was a toddler his daycare did a poor job of managing several physically aggressive kids in my son's room. My son was being hurt as a result, and started to be scared of going to daycare and being withdrawn once he was there. I picked up on the change right away and pushed to have it addressed, even when the school leadership minimized it and tried to blame my son and me for complaining. We moved him to a new school and got him some sessions with a child psychologist to help him with what happened. Because there is no fucking way my son is going to be hurt and scared at his school.
- I think about the subtle messages we send when interacting with kids. Most people react to a crying or hurt kid by saying, "You're fine! You're ok!" Well a hurt, crying kid is not fine and ok, even if it's a minor injury. I don't tell my kids what their feelings are. I acknowledge that getting a shot at the doctor is scary and hurts and it's ok to be sad and cry.
- I listen to my kids and take what they say seriously. One time I was with my son at a kids' play area, and there was a man sitting about 100 feet away intently staring at the playing kids. My son was only 2, but he noticed and said "That's a scary man." So I watched the guy for a bit: he was alone and didn't interact with anyone while we were there, just constant unbroken staring at the kids. It was creepy. I told my son yes, he is scary, and we don't have to talk to him or go near him. I help protect my kids from abuse by teaching them to trust their instincts and that they can have boundaries.
- Because I listen to them, my kids trust me with their hard feelings and experiences. I've more than once taken concerns to my kids' teachers and had the teachers tell me that they never would have known that there was a problem because my kids seem so happy and are doing great at school. This means that my kids feel safe enough with me to bring up things they might hide from other people - like I hid my feelings from my abusive family. I'm so proud that my kids don't have to do that.
- As mentioned above, I've thought a lot about what kind of parenting I don't want to do, and researched what I do want to do. A lot of people who don't have abuse backgrounds just parent like their parents did without thinking too hard about it, and that's not usually a great idea. Being thoughtful, willing to read, and willing to change is huge.
- I took a sexual abuse prevention workshop and use what I learned in it, like teaching my kids "You are the boss of your body" and that in our family we don't have secrets, because secrets hurt people (we have surprises). The kids soak this right up and tell me things like "At school Johnny said he had a secret handshake but it should be called a surprise handshake."
"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." Peggy O'Mara
Parenting books and websites
Janet Lansbury
The Whole Brain Child
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
Kids' books. There's something about reading books to your child that include these values that is powerful.
The Going to Bed Book
This one seems unrelated if you don't know how threatening bed and sleeping can be for abuse survivors. This book has animals being goofy while getting ready for bed on a boat. Then it ends with:
The moon is high, the sea is deep
They rock and rock and rock to sleep.
I Will Keep You Safe and Sound
Brown bears in the den while the first buds peep
Rabbits in the field while the crickets cheep
Robins in the nest while the rain pours down
I will keep you safe and sound
All the World
All the world is you and me
Everything you hear, smell, see
All the world is everything
Everything is you and me
Hope and peace and love and trust
All the world is all of us
posted by medusa at 11:59 PM on June 11, 2018 [6 favorites]
An important coda: what is your relationship with your abusive family members like now? Are you in touch with them? Because if you are considering letting your kids have a relationship with them, you should think verrrrry hard about whether that's a good idea.
The typical thing that happens to survivors is that you grow up, move away, and have limited contact with your family of origin. This limited exposure leads you to think that things aren't that bad, and the abusers have changed. Then you have kids and your abusers are so excited about the kids. You think you're obligated to them because they're family and things aren't that bad anymore. But if given the chance they will abuse your kids like they abused you.
posted by medusa at 12:04 AM on June 12, 2018
The typical thing that happens to survivors is that you grow up, move away, and have limited contact with your family of origin. This limited exposure leads you to think that things aren't that bad, and the abusers have changed. Then you have kids and your abusers are so excited about the kids. You think you're obligated to them because they're family and things aren't that bad anymore. But if given the chance they will abuse your kids like they abused you.
posted by medusa at 12:04 AM on June 12, 2018
Remember that when your baby comes out, he or she will just be a tiny baby, not a kid or a teenager or a monster or a dysfunctional adult.
I would look into attachment parenting. Not the modern version of it which seems to interpret "attachment" as "mom must be literally, physically attached to her baby at all times for at least 6 months or else she's ruined him forever," but the original theory. The idea is that a child develops a secure attachment to its caregivers when its caregivers do their best to meet the child's needs, and also, when the caregivers make mistakes, they do their best to repair things with the child. It's a parenting philosophy that allows for mistakes and setting limits.
posted by colfax at 2:17 AM on June 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
I would look into attachment parenting. Not the modern version of it which seems to interpret "attachment" as "mom must be literally, physically attached to her baby at all times for at least 6 months or else she's ruined him forever," but the original theory. The idea is that a child develops a secure attachment to its caregivers when its caregivers do their best to meet the child's needs, and also, when the caregivers make mistakes, they do their best to repair things with the child. It's a parenting philosophy that allows for mistakes and setting limits.
posted by colfax at 2:17 AM on June 12, 2018 [1 favorite]
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posted by b33j at 5:21 AM on June 11, 2018 [5 favorites]