Boys to Men - Rites of passage from scratch?
May 29, 2018 1:15 PM Subscribe
I’ve read a lot of anthropological and historical theory and fieldwork on rites of passage for boys/men, but I’d like to get some real-world, contemporary ideas about the kinds of things you—as a boy/man—did, or were done to you, that...
- helped you meet a physical/emotional/status transition (puberty, marriage, midlife, retirement, fatherhood, surviving an illness, etc.)
- felt special, felt either in the moment or in retrospect, like a milestone
- felt healthy and positive
- and/or specifically recognized your masculinity
And, if you were going to create a rite of passage for a young man in your culture and community today, what would it look like?
I’m primarily curious about ideas that fall outside of mainstream religious traditions.
- helped you meet a physical/emotional/status transition (puberty, marriage, midlife, retirement, fatherhood, surviving an illness, etc.)
- felt special, felt either in the moment or in retrospect, like a milestone
- felt healthy and positive
- and/or specifically recognized your masculinity
And, if you were going to create a rite of passage for a young man in your culture and community today, what would it look like?
I’m primarily curious about ideas that fall outside of mainstream religious traditions.
In my opinion, the only generally accepted rite of passage left is high school graduation. I say this because why else would Grandma fly across the country for the occasion.
When I was in the later years of high school (1963-4), there were several times when I was the only guy in a small group of classmates off on an adventure when there was a real understanding that I was in the role of protector. Which was a role to which I felt entirely unsuited. In retrospect, the transition to manhood was composed of a lots of little stuff like that.
posted by SemiSalt at 1:30 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
When I was in the later years of high school (1963-4), there were several times when I was the only guy in a small group of classmates off on an adventure when there was a real understanding that I was in the role of protector. Which was a role to which I felt entirely unsuited. In retrospect, the transition to manhood was composed of a lots of little stuff like that.
posted by SemiSalt at 1:30 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
In my opinion, the only generally accepted rite of passage left is high school graduation. I say this because why else would Grandma fly across the country for the occasion.
It's co-ed, but "getting your drivers' license" is another one.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:31 PM on May 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
It's co-ed, but "getting your drivers' license" is another one.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:31 PM on May 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
This is far from universal for a variety of reasons but getting your driver's license is definitely rite of passage.
posted by mmascolino at 1:33 PM on May 29, 2018
posted by mmascolino at 1:33 PM on May 29, 2018
The first time my brother, of his own volition, helped someone move he didn't shut up about it for weeks. So helping someone move.
This is great. The first time I was able to help someone do something like this without adult supervision—whether it was moving, driving someone to the airport, etc., I don't even remember—was a big deal for me. Jumping a car, changing a tire.
posted by Polycarp at 1:45 PM on May 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
This is great. The first time I was able to help someone do something like this without adult supervision—whether it was moving, driving someone to the airport, etc., I don't even remember—was a big deal for me. Jumping a car, changing a tire.
posted by Polycarp at 1:45 PM on May 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
First time I slept with a dude was a pretty big deal.
But that was the early 90s, so who knows now.
posted by roger ackroyd at 1:56 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
But that was the early 90s, so who knows now.
posted by roger ackroyd at 1:56 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
For Generation Y, Learning To Drive Is No Longer A Rite Of Passage
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:57 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:57 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
My perception from having two millennial kids is that the drivers' license is something they have to get (if they don't live somewhere with good public transportation) - it's not something they really look forward to like we did back in the day.
My first job was a pretty big deal when I was that age, and it was for both my kids too.
It's more of a middle-aged rite of passage, but my kids turning 18 was kind of a big deal emotionally for me. They both made it there as responsible young adults and that made me feel like I had succeeded as a parent. We got them to college with no permanent damage, it was on them from now on.
posted by COD at 2:05 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
My first job was a pretty big deal when I was that age, and it was for both my kids too.
It's more of a middle-aged rite of passage, but my kids turning 18 was kind of a big deal emotionally for me. They both made it there as responsible young adults and that made me feel like I had succeeded as a parent. We got them to college with no permanent damage, it was on them from now on.
posted by COD at 2:05 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Co-ed, but successfully putting together furniture definitely felt like some kind of rite of passage when I did it. I would say that building things in general serves this purpose.
I know the American branch is a bit of a tire fire, but I know my dad is fiercely proud of being an Eagle Scout.
posted by Tamanna at 2:09 PM on May 29, 2018
I know the American branch is a bit of a tire fire, but I know my dad is fiercely proud of being an Eagle Scout.
posted by Tamanna at 2:09 PM on May 29, 2018
Best answer: If I was to create a ritual today, it would probably be something where he had to spend some time away from home at least overnight and possibly up to a week, without adult supervision, but undertaking something serious and difficult for someone else's benefit. It combines manageable risk, self-autonomy, having to deal with downtime and self-doubt, a Specific/Measurable/Attainable/Relevant/Time-Constrained goal, and getting out of his own head and setting aside his own needs.
I don't think it should be any more specific than that -- let him use the above as a guideline and design his own ritual -- which is also empowering and self-actualizing. He has to design his quest, you have to accept it as being significant, then he has to do it.
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:16 PM on May 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
I don't think it should be any more specific than that -- let him use the above as a guideline and design his own ritual -- which is also empowering and self-actualizing. He has to design his quest, you have to accept it as being significant, then he has to do it.
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:16 PM on May 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
Shaving seems like a good milestone. Get the boy his own full, nice shaving kit and teach him proper technique.
posted by hydra77 at 2:29 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by hydra77 at 2:29 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
My father and I used to wrestle around some when I was a kid, and then one day when I was 12 and in the seventh grade, we were arm wrestling at the kitchen table, which we hadn't done for a few months, and I won -- fairly slammed his hand down, in fact.
We were both shocked, and my father got up from the table with an uninterpretable expression on his face, went upstairs to his and my mom's bedroom and stayed there with the door shut for a couple of hours.
But when he came down again, he was as loving as ever, which is to say very loving, though whenever we did anything physical together from then on, including household tasks, I was careful not to throw any shade in his direction.
posted by jamjam at 2:31 PM on May 29, 2018 [9 favorites]
We were both shocked, and my father got up from the table with an uninterpretable expression on his face, went upstairs to his and my mom's bedroom and stayed there with the door shut for a couple of hours.
But when he came down again, he was as loving as ever, which is to say very loving, though whenever we did anything physical together from then on, including household tasks, I was careful not to throw any shade in his direction.
posted by jamjam at 2:31 PM on May 29, 2018 [9 favorites]
Coed rites:
Traveling on a multi-day itinerary that you planned, preferably internationally, either solo or with a partner.
Hosting family or friends for a holiday feast where you do most of the cooking and arrangements, i.e. more thanksgiving than July 4th
Helping someone in a significant way using your own knowledge and skills, ideally where you teach the person the skill e.g. repairing a toilet, changing spark plugs or oil on their car
Becoming the person friends call for advice, even limited to a specific area
Setting up insurance, investments, and doing tax returns
posted by a halcyon day at 2:33 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
Traveling on a multi-day itinerary that you planned, preferably internationally, either solo or with a partner.
Hosting family or friends for a holiday feast where you do most of the cooking and arrangements, i.e. more thanksgiving than July 4th
Helping someone in a significant way using your own knowledge and skills, ideally where you teach the person the skill e.g. repairing a toilet, changing spark plugs or oil on their car
Becoming the person friends call for advice, even limited to a specific area
Setting up insurance, investments, and doing tax returns
posted by a halcyon day at 2:33 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm in my early 40s. Nothing - not high school or college or grad school graduation, not getting married, not paying your own rent, etc. - nothing really brings it home like when your own father dies. Mine died when I was 27. My brother was 22. We both grew up in a hurry, after that.
At that point, that's really it. You can have uncles, or older brothers or cousins, but it's really not the same. Having your own kid comes close.
Realize you're asking more for rituals, but for me there was really nothing that could approximate either of these things.
posted by NoRelationToLea at 2:42 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
At that point, that's really it. You can have uncles, or older brothers or cousins, but it's really not the same. Having your own kid comes close.
Realize you're asking more for rituals, but for me there was really nothing that could approximate either of these things.
posted by NoRelationToLea at 2:42 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Having Mom frog-march me down to the post office when I turned 18 to register for selective service was an eye-opening entrance to manhood.
posted by Dr. Twist at 2:47 PM on May 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Dr. Twist at 2:47 PM on May 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Having also studied rites of passage in an anthropology context (though not very recently), I might include "The Talk" as a contemporary, non-religious, semi-ritualistic rite of passage. Your parents acknowledge your new status as a potentially sexual being by sitting you down and initiating you into heretofore secret or forbidden knowledge. (Even though, given that the internet exists, you most likely know it already.)
Among people who hunt or fish, a boy or young man's first successful hunt/catch is still a pretty big deal.
One thing that a lot of the above examples miss, I think, is the 'community acknowledgement' aspect - one of the most important functions of a rite of passage is that going through the rite changes how you're perceived by your community.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:56 PM on May 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
Among people who hunt or fish, a boy or young man's first successful hunt/catch is still a pretty big deal.
One thing that a lot of the above examples miss, I think, is the 'community acknowledgement' aspect - one of the most important functions of a rite of passage is that going through the rite changes how you're perceived by your community.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:56 PM on May 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
I have a little problem with this question, though, because it does assume a performative kind of masculinity is some kind of goal to be attained. We'd need to define masculinity, and is it necessarily different from adult responsibility and/or should it be differentiated from some kind of performative femininity, and then it kind of snowballs from there. So I guess for my own clarification, are we trying to work one side of the unpleasantly traditionalist gender binary in particular, or is this just a kind of awkward shorthand for 'becoming an adult'. I feel that maybe this is a MetaTalk level of meta-question, but on the other hand I think it's also a clarifying question of the original ask so...
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:58 PM on May 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 2:58 PM on May 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
The only event I can think of that specifically made me feel like a successful man was when I started dating my first girlfriend in high school. Up to this point, and for a few more years after we broke up and I was single, all the toxic feelings of inadequacy around not having a girlfriend were very much in play.
As far as feeling like an adult, definitely the biggest event was getting my first full-time job.
posted by J.K. Seazer at 3:29 PM on May 29, 2018
As far as feeling like an adult, definitely the biggest event was getting my first full-time job.
posted by J.K. Seazer at 3:29 PM on May 29, 2018
Mariners, Sailors, and anyone else who finds themselves crossing the equator as a crewperson (and some passengers) on a ship will go through some version of the Line-Crossing Ceremony, which, in the Navy, at least, transforms a person from a polywog to a shellback.
The modern Navy versions are watered-down compared to a few decades ago when my dad through it because of hazing fears (there was head-shaving, drinking gross stuff, and someone's greasy belly gets kissed).
It's not boyhood into manhood, but it's a proxy for that, and since it's pretty much out of the view of most people, in the sailing community which is small and strong on its traditions and superstitions, it's likely to remain for a while.
posted by Sunburnt at 3:51 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
The modern Navy versions are watered-down compared to a few decades ago when my dad through it because of hazing fears (there was head-shaving, drinking gross stuff, and someone's greasy belly gets kissed).
It's not boyhood into manhood, but it's a proxy for that, and since it's pretty much out of the view of most people, in the sailing community which is small and strong on its traditions and superstitions, it's likely to remain for a while.
posted by Sunburnt at 3:51 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
A few of the native boys at the school I teach in just went through their first kiva experiences, which was a major right of passage for them. I do not know the details, because the details are carefully kept knowledge, but it seemed for them to be a very important life event.
posted by Grandysaur at 4:53 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Grandysaur at 4:53 PM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
They are Pueblo, to be more specific.
posted by Grandysaur at 4:55 PM on May 29, 2018
posted by Grandysaur at 4:55 PM on May 29, 2018
In our family you don't get to ride in the front seat of the car till you are 12 so when my older son turned 12 we got up at dawn, and he rode in the front seat to Dunkin' Donuts where we got a dozen donuts to celebrate. My younger son turns 12 this summer and we're planning to do the same thing. The older one is 15 now -- despite the fact that he's begun shaving and been through our UU church's Coming of Age ceremony, I still think of that ride to Dunkin' Donuts as his first step to manhood. Another big deal among young men is the moment they get taller than their moms.
My kids aren't in scouts any more but it really is one of the only places in USA suburbia where I've seen specifically masculine coming of age rituals. There are lots of opportunities for Boy Scouts to lead, often organizing things for the younger Cub Scouts, which is great.
posted by selfmedicating at 4:59 PM on May 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
My kids aren't in scouts any more but it really is one of the only places in USA suburbia where I've seen specifically masculine coming of age rituals. There are lots of opportunities for Boy Scouts to lead, often organizing things for the younger Cub Scouts, which is great.
posted by selfmedicating at 4:59 PM on May 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
First apartment without roommates.
First trip/vacation on your own.
posted by noloveforned at 5:55 PM on May 29, 2018
First trip/vacation on your own.
posted by noloveforned at 5:55 PM on May 29, 2018
Response by poster: ...are we trying to work one side of the unpleasantly traditionalist gender binary in particular, or is this just a kind of awkward shorthand for 'becoming an adult'
Both. Some people identify strongly as masculine and want to acknowledge, at some point, a transition within their community or within themselves, to male adulthood. "Unpleasantly traditionalist" seems an ungenerous reading of the question, though, because I am looking for healthy/positive (whatever that means to the average MeFite) rites of manhood. Girls/women encounter a number of overt physical changes related specifically to gender/sex (menarche, pregnancy, menopause, to name the big ones) that become rites of passage in themselves. Women, therefore, "have to" go through these rites of passage, whereas rites of passage for boys/men are usually more contrived or diverted from bodily growth itself. I.e., a boy's voice change isn't turned into a rite of passage in itself the way a menstruation or pregnancy is.
posted by cocoagirl at 6:05 PM on May 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Both. Some people identify strongly as masculine and want to acknowledge, at some point, a transition within their community or within themselves, to male adulthood. "Unpleasantly traditionalist" seems an ungenerous reading of the question, though, because I am looking for healthy/positive (whatever that means to the average MeFite) rites of manhood. Girls/women encounter a number of overt physical changes related specifically to gender/sex (menarche, pregnancy, menopause, to name the big ones) that become rites of passage in themselves. Women, therefore, "have to" go through these rites of passage, whereas rites of passage for boys/men are usually more contrived or diverted from bodily growth itself. I.e., a boy's voice change isn't turned into a rite of passage in itself the way a menstruation or pregnancy is.
posted by cocoagirl at 6:05 PM on May 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Voting in an election isn't masculinity-related but it's an important rite for adults in lots of democratic societies. It's asking you to think about what kind of society you want to live in, and take individual and collective responsibility for it. (NB. in Australia where I live, voting is compulsory for everyone over 18).
The thing about masculinity rituals is that modern societies prolong adolescence and infantilise early adulthood; it's a well-commented phenomenon. In lots of Western societies housing is so costly and young people's wages so low that there's little sense of a break-into-adult-work the way previous generations experienced it. Likewise, the sexual revolution has gotten rid of a lot of the stigma of relationships outside a marriage (for the better!) which removed lots of other traditional assumptions about adulthood and masculinity and relationships.
The most definite rite of passage I can think of that still exists (though less positive) is a young man's first interaction with the police or some other agency of the State as a kind-of-adult; or when he ceases to be seen as a person to protect, and becomes a person to protect others from. There's a definite shift at some point when the police cease to treat boys as children, regardless of their actual age, and that moment comes with a great deal of danger. It's not quite as pleasant as you're after, I think, but it's real.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 7:22 PM on May 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
The thing about masculinity rituals is that modern societies prolong adolescence and infantilise early adulthood; it's a well-commented phenomenon. In lots of Western societies housing is so costly and young people's wages so low that there's little sense of a break-into-adult-work the way previous generations experienced it. Likewise, the sexual revolution has gotten rid of a lot of the stigma of relationships outside a marriage (for the better!) which removed lots of other traditional assumptions about adulthood and masculinity and relationships.
The most definite rite of passage I can think of that still exists (though less positive) is a young man's first interaction with the police or some other agency of the State as a kind-of-adult; or when he ceases to be seen as a person to protect, and becomes a person to protect others from. There's a definite shift at some point when the police cease to treat boys as children, regardless of their actual age, and that moment comes with a great deal of danger. It's not quite as pleasant as you're after, I think, but it's real.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 7:22 PM on May 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Haying. I worked on a farm through my adolescence, and the summer hay-baling season was fairly hard and dangerous work. This was on an operation with several fields, so approx 70000 bales went through my hands each season (twice: off the field; then into the barn) for 5 years. I really liked the field foreman that I worked under for most of this time: he was gruff, taciturn, enigmatic, resourceful, and he also had incredible strength and endurance. He was a role model that I would aspire to, maybe never quite achieve, but something to think about. I left farm life, but I still remember. (Note that hay technology has mostly changed since the 20th century).
posted by ovvl at 8:06 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ovvl at 8:06 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Some thirty years ago I participated in a "Men's Weekend" which was a transformative experience for attendees; it was totally non-religious. From an external viewpoint it was manipulative, but did in fact change the lives of many people, mine included, making me a "man" in a way that previously I was not. I think a rite of passage has to push one to face and go past fears which one might not even be conscious of, so one finds one's own inner strength and hopefully becomes a mensch.
(The organization providing the Men's Weekends also provided Women's Weekends. People I met who'd done that said it changed their lives too.)
posted by anadem at 8:56 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
(The organization providing the Men's Weekends also provided Women's Weekends. People I met who'd done that said it changed their lives too.)
posted by anadem at 8:56 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
In Africa today, even in rural parts of the continent, the cultures that still have formal and ritualized “rites of passage” for young men are few and far between.
But two things that are very common come to mind: 1/ the first sexual experience and 2/ leaving the family home.
posted by Kwadeng at 10:19 PM on May 29, 2018
But two things that are very common come to mind: 1/ the first sexual experience and 2/ leaving the family home.
posted by Kwadeng at 10:19 PM on May 29, 2018
As a stepping stone in my childhood I sharply recall the first moment I *didn't* have to get a Happy Meal at McDonalds. This was a seminal moment when the ENTIRE menu was up for grabs and I was included in that larger group that could do this and took a step away from "only children's menu".
Later I would say, notwithstanding results, going to my first job interview. That was a definite one-on-one "growing up moment" for me with no help from parents/mentors/best friends, etc. Just you and the potential employer.
posted by alchemist at 10:49 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Later I would say, notwithstanding results, going to my first job interview. That was a definite one-on-one "growing up moment" for me with no help from parents/mentors/best friends, etc. Just you and the potential employer.
posted by alchemist at 10:49 PM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Not one I'd necessarily say to preserve/replicate, but my brother and I both went through "Turn 13, go to Hooters with dad/grandpa/uncle & get your shirt signed by all the waitresses". Probably fairly mistimed though for hitting the window of "Old enough to be interested in more than the wings, not old enough to have soured on the whole concept of Hooters as a thing", but it was definitely a "You're old enough to acknowledge you might have sexual thoughts & be a man" performance.
posted by CrystalDave at 12:04 AM on May 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by CrystalDave at 12:04 AM on May 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
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