I am tone deaf and would like to sing in church. How to proceed?
May 28, 2018 7:51 PM Subscribe
I love music. I have no ability currently to match my voice to notes, though I generally know that I'm not matching. I never learned to read music. I have started attending a UU church and while the congregation is lovely, it is small, and I cringe several times each service when we are supposed to sing and I assume that I am aurally assaulting anyone near me, even when I sing barely above a whisper. I would like to be able to sing competently as a congregational member singing social-justice-y hymns/folk music. Walk me through next steps.
I hesitate to hire a vocal coach both because I can't read music and because of shame at my lack of vocal ability. Are there things I can do on my own? I don't live in a major metropolitan area so while there are definitely vocal coaches here, assume there's not a huge range. Searching for "beginner vocal coach" is not really turning up much.
I'm ok with paying someone to help me with this, but I have a LOT of shame around it, so reassurances that this is something vocal coaches are happy to deal with are appreciated, as are of course self-help resources.
I hesitate to hire a vocal coach both because I can't read music and because of shame at my lack of vocal ability. Are there things I can do on my own? I don't live in a major metropolitan area so while there are definitely vocal coaches here, assume there's not a huge range. Searching for "beginner vocal coach" is not really turning up much.
I'm ok with paying someone to help me with this, but I have a LOT of shame around it, so reassurances that this is something vocal coaches are happy to deal with are appreciated, as are of course self-help resources.
Get a teacher if you want--being able to read music is a useful skill--but be aware that you're supposed to be making a joyful noise unto the Lord, not winning vocal competitions. How you sound is really not important, and people are not judging you.
(You can learn the basics of reading music from a book if it makes you feel more confident before going to a teacher.
There must be dozens.)
posted by praemunire at 8:07 PM on May 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
(You can learn the basics of reading music from a book if it makes you feel more confident before going to a teacher.
There must be dozens.)
posted by praemunire at 8:07 PM on May 28, 2018 [6 favorites]
I couldn't carry a tune if you gave me a bucket, and I sing at my UU church all the time. Sing with joyful enthusiasm and love, and everyone around you will be happy you joined in.
posted by Frayed Knot at 8:13 PM on May 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Frayed Knot at 8:13 PM on May 28, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yes. This. but be aware that you're supposed to be making a joyful noise unto the Lord.
My family is pretty much equally divided into "perfect pitch" and "tone deaf as a bucket" and yeah, the point is a joyful noise unto the Lord. By all means find a voice coach if you will be happier, and better able to make the joyful noise unto the Lord that you want to, but don't feel shame about it.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 8:14 PM on May 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
My family is pretty much equally divided into "perfect pitch" and "tone deaf as a bucket" and yeah, the point is a joyful noise unto the Lord. By all means find a voice coach if you will be happier, and better able to make the joyful noise unto the Lord that you want to, but don't feel shame about it.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 8:14 PM on May 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I absolutely understand that no one (other than me) is judging me. Assume I'm not trying to come terms with my current singing ability but really wanting to improve it, just being held back by self-generated embarrassment.
posted by lazuli at 8:15 PM on May 28, 2018
posted by lazuli at 8:15 PM on May 28, 2018
There are many web apps for training your ears. Half of singing a certain note is ears, if not more.
Here’s one, more available with some googling.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:37 PM on May 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Here’s one, more available with some googling.
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:37 PM on May 28, 2018 [3 favorites]
Join the choir. The more singing you do the more you will improve. Let your enthusiasm carry you.
You can get a vocal helper (either an actual teacher or just someone from the choir to give you tips) but do it after you've already done a couple choir practices.
I hate my singing voice. I took five weekly lessons a couple years ago. I do musical improv in front of an audience a few times a year. Keep in mind that a majority of people in the room with you also hate their own voices. You do not have to be perfect or even good...just come at it from a place of enjoyment. You can do this.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 8:41 PM on May 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
You can get a vocal helper (either an actual teacher or just someone from the choir to give you tips) but do it after you've already done a couple choir practices.
I hate my singing voice. I took five weekly lessons a couple years ago. I do musical improv in front of an audience a few times a year. Keep in mind that a majority of people in the room with you also hate their own voices. You do not have to be perfect or even good...just come at it from a place of enjoyment. You can do this.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 8:41 PM on May 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
I will mention that I initially started doing improv because of feeling massive amounts of shame and embarrassment when in front of groups of people. I still don't love the performing in front of crowds the way actual performers do but the doing of the thing is the thing for me. Just do your thing.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 8:47 PM on May 28, 2018
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 8:47 PM on May 28, 2018
Response by poster: Just as a reference point: I was talking to my brother on the phone a few weeks ago, and he mentioned wanting to go watch "Jeopardy," and I started to "do do do do" the "Jeopardy" theme song -- and he had no idea what I was singing, even with that context. When I say I have no ability to carry a tune, it's not self-deprecation. And the choir is 12 people, and the congregation that shows up every Sunday is maybe 30? I can hear congregation members from a few pews over; I know full well that I'm hear-able. I'm really trying to determine if I'm going to torture a vocal coach if I throw myself on her, and if I should do some work by myself first before I inflict myself on a vocal coach.
posted by lazuli at 8:48 PM on May 28, 2018
posted by lazuli at 8:48 PM on May 28, 2018
The most powerful lesson I ever had was very simple. A music teacher/relative matched me with someone else who was very friendly, had a good ear and could sing in my range. (In this was a woman since the teacher was male) He had me just sing a natural note - just open my mouth and sing "aaaaaaaaah" in whatever pitch felt natural to me. The other woman matched my note so I could hear what it sounded like when we were singing the the same sound - in other words, in tune with each other (regardless of the fact that it was no particular note). Then the teacher asked the other woman to sing my note again and had me match her. I could hear that at first we were just a little different and then as I adjust my tone (which was easy since this was my note) it suddenly "clicked" as the two voices aligned into the same note. I can't tell you how amazing it was to truly hear for the first time the difference between being exactly matched and a little off.
posted by metahawk at 8:50 PM on May 28, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 8:50 PM on May 28, 2018 [15 favorites]
Best answer: This is literally the point of a voice teacher. Yes, they also work with people who have more skills, but they work with plenty of people who are no good at singing but want to be. You’ll make some teacher’s day with your desire to learn.
posted by ocherdraco at 8:51 PM on May 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by ocherdraco at 8:51 PM on May 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: People who teach this kind of stuff are not going to be "tortured" by starting with someone who is genuinely not at all good, because then progress is going to be super obvious and everybody likes to see students making progress. I worried about my lack of musical skill when I took piano lessons, and I didn't even make that much progress, but I was enjoying it and took it seriously and that was literally all my teacher needed.
If anything, I think that private musical teachers are relieved to get adults who a) don't show up with weird parental pressure stuff going on that kids do and b) aren't already convinced of their own greatness which can be a problem with both kids and adults. And I think this sort of thing is not just potentially nice for church, but like, music is a nice hobby to have and a good way to unwind from other stuff. So yeah, I'd do it.
posted by Sequence at 9:03 PM on May 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
If anything, I think that private musical teachers are relieved to get adults who a) don't show up with weird parental pressure stuff going on that kids do and b) aren't already convinced of their own greatness which can be a problem with both kids and adults. And I think this sort of thing is not just potentially nice for church, but like, music is a nice hobby to have and a good way to unwind from other stuff. So yeah, I'd do it.
posted by Sequence at 9:03 PM on May 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I completely understand wanting to have some sort of foundation for singing even just a little bit well before going to a voice teacher. There's a lot to be said for figuring it out on your own. As a person with a very good ear, but a very bad voice, here's what I'd recommend: Get a cheap keyboard on Amazon. It’s easier to learn the keys on a keyboard than it is to learn to read music. (And you don’t know how to read music to make sounds with your voice.)
Hold a note on the keyboard for a long time, and manipulate your voice to it until you kind of match it. This is going to be hard at first because the singing voice requires a throat muscle that you have likely never used. It's like hiking, though, or any other kind of exercise -- the more you do it, the stronger you'll be at it. It's about muscle tone and muscle memory in muscles you aren't used to using.
You say you generally know when your voice isn't matching the note you hear, which means you can learn to know when it IS matching. The only way to reliably be able hit the pitch is to build up that muscle, and the most comfortable way to do that is in your own home, with some way of playing sustained notes that you can control (as opposed to singing along with Pandora, whose notes you cannot control).
Singing is a little bit like ballet dancing. You know there are ballet positions, right? You get to know how first, second, and third position feel in your legs and feet. Singing is the same way. The notes C, D, E feel a certain way in your throat. The vibrations are different. The way you hold your jaw is different. Learn how to play a C on a keyboard, learn how your throat feels when you match what that C sounds like. Again, it's about muscle memory and training your ear, and those are totally things you can do without a coach. You just need a way to produce notes so you can learn to match their pitch, and develop those muscles. It gets much easier after that.
So buy a cheap keyboard so you can control the sounds you want to match. Go from there.
posted by mudpuppie at 9:07 PM on May 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
Hold a note on the keyboard for a long time, and manipulate your voice to it until you kind of match it. This is going to be hard at first because the singing voice requires a throat muscle that you have likely never used. It's like hiking, though, or any other kind of exercise -- the more you do it, the stronger you'll be at it. It's about muscle tone and muscle memory in muscles you aren't used to using.
You say you generally know when your voice isn't matching the note you hear, which means you can learn to know when it IS matching. The only way to reliably be able hit the pitch is to build up that muscle, and the most comfortable way to do that is in your own home, with some way of playing sustained notes that you can control (as opposed to singing along with Pandora, whose notes you cannot control).
Singing is a little bit like ballet dancing. You know there are ballet positions, right? You get to know how first, second, and third position feel in your legs and feet. Singing is the same way. The notes C, D, E feel a certain way in your throat. The vibrations are different. The way you hold your jaw is different. Learn how to play a C on a keyboard, learn how your throat feels when you match what that C sounds like. Again, it's about muscle memory and training your ear, and those are totally things you can do without a coach. You just need a way to produce notes so you can learn to match their pitch, and develop those muscles. It gets much easier after that.
So buy a cheap keyboard so you can control the sounds you want to match. Go from there.
posted by mudpuppie at 9:07 PM on May 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Hey! I teach music! Some of my kids suck sooooo much more than others when they start. It is enormously harder for them. I am so pleased when they improve. I love teaching all of them and probably the most gratifying thing I do is work with kids who are not confident and can’t play in tune and see them off a year later as somewhat competent musicians (in a very basic kind of way). Be honest about what you are looking for and I am sure you will find a voice teacher happy to work with you.
...not that it is necessary. My own, absurdly tone-deaf grandma, sang loudly and dramatically off key in churches for almost 100 years. I noticed how terrible it was when I was maybe 6. My mom said that we were all just singing together and I shouldn’t comment on it, so I didn’t. Not one adult cared.
Joyful congregational singing is, hands-down, the best part of religious services and it is the only part of church I miss as a complete nonbeliever. Thank heavens I have found Beer Choir. Embrace it and don’t be embarrassed about singing badly (or about seeking help so you don’t sing quite as badly).
posted by charmedimsure at 10:28 PM on May 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
...not that it is necessary. My own, absurdly tone-deaf grandma, sang loudly and dramatically off key in churches for almost 100 years. I noticed how terrible it was when I was maybe 6. My mom said that we were all just singing together and I shouldn’t comment on it, so I didn’t. Not one adult cared.
Joyful congregational singing is, hands-down, the best part of religious services and it is the only part of church I miss as a complete nonbeliever. Thank heavens I have found Beer Choir. Embrace it and don’t be embarrassed about singing badly (or about seeking help so you don’t sing quite as badly).
posted by charmedimsure at 10:28 PM on May 28, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: See my previous Ask, "Resources for learning to sing as an adult".
posted by cichlid ceilidh at 11:53 PM on May 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by cichlid ceilidh at 11:53 PM on May 28, 2018 [1 favorite]
Assume I'm not trying to come terms with my current singing ability but really wanting to improve it, just being held back by self-generated embarrassment.
Yeah, you and every other person who has ever picked up any kind of musical instrument for the first time and wished it would do something other than make a feeble and inadequate plunking noise.
This kind of embarrassment is completely normal. It's just what the process of acquiring musical competence feels like.
I recommend bellowing and roaring at the highest volume you can possibly manage while you're driving alone on the freeway. Try to harmonize with the roar of the engine. Learn to laugh at the terrible sounds you're making. Learn to make them worse. No, even worse than that.
And then the next time you're embarrassed about singing at UU, just remind yourself how much worse a noise you could be inflicting on them if you really put your mind to it, and get some perspective.
posted by flabdablet at 2:31 AM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yeah, you and every other person who has ever picked up any kind of musical instrument for the first time and wished it would do something other than make a feeble and inadequate plunking noise.
This kind of embarrassment is completely normal. It's just what the process of acquiring musical competence feels like.
I recommend bellowing and roaring at the highest volume you can possibly manage while you're driving alone on the freeway. Try to harmonize with the roar of the engine. Learn to laugh at the terrible sounds you're making. Learn to make them worse. No, even worse than that.
And then the next time you're embarrassed about singing at UU, just remind yourself how much worse a noise you could be inflicting on them if you really put your mind to it, and get some perspective.
posted by flabdablet at 2:31 AM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Although amusia (popularly known as tone deafness) was once thought of as a life-long deficit, a recent paper showed that fairly simple pitch discrimination training can bring amusics into the range of the general population on pitch and melody perception. So a vocal coach is likely to be able to help! And I'm sure if you explained the situation that they would be happy to do so, and might even take it as an interesting challenge.
Also, often people think they're "tone deaf", while actually their issue is with vocal control rather than pitch perception (which is the fundamental deficit in amusia). If you'd like to know which it is, you can take this online test, which is the accepted standard for amusia diagnosis.
I'm a psychologist who studies amusia, so if you have any more questions you can memail me.
posted by IjonTichy at 3:27 AM on May 29, 2018 [15 favorites]
Also, often people think they're "tone deaf", while actually their issue is with vocal control rather than pitch perception (which is the fundamental deficit in amusia). If you'd like to know which it is, you can take this online test, which is the accepted standard for amusia diagnosis.
I'm a psychologist who studies amusia, so if you have any more questions you can memail me.
posted by IjonTichy at 3:27 AM on May 29, 2018 [15 favorites]
You know, technically the bible only says make a joyful NOISE unto the Lord. We can't all be opera singers. I think singing in any kind of church situation is by default "it's the thought that counts" and what you lack in musical ability, you can make up for in enthusiasm. I hear awful singers in church all the time (including a tone-deaf pastor) but they get the same peace & joy from singing as those who are great singers, and God appreciates it just the same.
posted by jhope71 at 9:36 AM on May 29, 2018
posted by jhope71 at 9:36 AM on May 29, 2018
Best answer: I always thought I was tone-deaf to myself because I could tell when other singers were off but not when I was. Then I met a professional singer who suggested closing one ear. And then I could actually hear myself and could tell when I was off and adjust. Amazing. Not that it meant I was a fabulous singer with a fabulous voice, or anything like that. It just meant I could sing on pitch reliably. I was thrilled.
posted by MovableBookLady at 9:58 AM on May 29, 2018
posted by MovableBookLady at 9:58 AM on May 29, 2018
To quote Adventure Time, "Sucking at something is the first step to be sort of good at it"
Singing on key is a learned skill, as is breath control and projection. Some people have a natural proclivity and others need to be taught (or teach themselves). Vocal coaches are people you pay to take you from sucking to being sort of good (or awesome, if you go that far). Almost no one is truly unteachably tone deaf, so I have faith that you will be able to make progress on this.
Good luck!
posted by ananci at 10:42 AM on May 29, 2018
Singing on key is a learned skill, as is breath control and projection. Some people have a natural proclivity and others need to be taught (or teach themselves). Vocal coaches are people you pay to take you from sucking to being sort of good (or awesome, if you go that far). Almost no one is truly unteachably tone deaf, so I have faith that you will be able to make progress on this.
Good luck!
posted by ananci at 10:42 AM on May 29, 2018
You can even try out some online "virtual keyboards" to begin with, if you like, and see how that works for you.
Ironically enough, I think some of the clips marked as "out of tune" on that linked amusia test might actually be perfectly acceptable in a less traditional musical composition (that is, they're just chromatic -- recognizable sharp or flat notes).
posted by inconstant at 11:08 AM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ironically enough, I think some of the clips marked as "out of tune" on that linked amusia test might actually be perfectly acceptable in a less traditional musical composition (that is, they're just chromatic -- recognizable sharp or flat notes).
posted by inconstant at 11:08 AM on May 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks to you who provided advice and resources. I'll reiterate, again, that "making joyful noise unto the Lord" is not really my goal, especially as my UU congregation is mostly atheist/agnostic and I don't really think most of us are singing to any sort of lord at all; my goal is to have a spiritually fulfilling time singing in tune with my congregation members while liking the noises that I'm making.
I reached out to an Episcopal deacon friend who I know was working with a voice coach whom she liked in my town, and got her contact info. I'll play around with online resources and see if that helps, too. I guess I'm mostly concerned that paying money to a voice teacher while not being able to read music may be a waste of time, but maybe I'm thinking about it funny. I did a bunch of the normal childhood hobbies but nothing music-related, so I'm just feeling a bit ignorant of what "normal" is for seeking help in that realm.
posted by lazuli at 9:05 PM on May 29, 2018
I reached out to an Episcopal deacon friend who I know was working with a voice coach whom she liked in my town, and got her contact info. I'll play around with online resources and see if that helps, too. I guess I'm mostly concerned that paying money to a voice teacher while not being able to read music may be a waste of time, but maybe I'm thinking about it funny. I did a bunch of the normal childhood hobbies but nothing music-related, so I'm just feeling a bit ignorant of what "normal" is for seeking help in that realm.
posted by lazuli at 9:05 PM on May 29, 2018
"I guess I'm mostly concerned that paying money to a voice teacher while not being able to read music may be a waste of time"
I bet voice teachers could answer this for you! Try contacting the voice coach your friend liked and ask them: I don't know how to read music yet. Should I try to teach myself before coming to you, or can we make progress without that?
My guess is that a lot of good voice teachers have all kinds of techniques to teach those who can't yet read music, and she may even have some good tips that will make it easier and faster for you to learn to read music.
posted by kristi at 10:37 AM on June 1, 2018
I bet voice teachers could answer this for you! Try contacting the voice coach your friend liked and ask them: I don't know how to read music yet. Should I try to teach myself before coming to you, or can we make progress without that?
My guess is that a lot of good voice teachers have all kinds of techniques to teach those who can't yet read music, and she may even have some good tips that will make it easier and faster for you to learn to read music.
posted by kristi at 10:37 AM on June 1, 2018
my goal is to have a spiritually fulfilling time singing in tune with my congregation members while liking the noises that I'm making.
That's an honourable goal, and more importantly, a completely achievable one.
The only way towards making sounds you enjoy is through a process of making a whole lot of noises you don't enjoy at all, then figuring out exactly what it was that you didn't enjoy about them, then improving that on the next go-round, rinse and repeat.
The reason I recommend bellowing and roaring in the car is that at present, the main thing that's wrong with the noises you're making is that they're way too mousy and tentative. Mousy and tentative is a lousy base for lusty, joyful, tuneful song. It's going to be a lot easier to fix the pitch of something sung with gusto than to fix the spirit of something mumbled without conviction. If your vocal cords are going to hold a tune, you need to give them air to hold it with, and the propulsive force and control of that air has to come from deep in your belly where your inner Brian Blessed lives.
Singing is about expressing what's in your heart, and I'm guessing that expressing embarrassment and fear of failure is probably not where you want to be aiming. A simple guitar tuner app will help you improve your pitch control, but only you can get your diaphragm to do what you need to ask of it. And you absolutely don't need to practice both these skills all at once every time you open your mouth; you can and should spend at least some time paying full attention to each of them independently, like a bodybuilder working separate muscle groups, and allow rather than force them to integrate.
The interior of a car on a noisy road is a great place to practice responding to just having made a horribly atonal (though richly timbred) noise with laughter rather than cringing embarrassment.
posted by flabdablet at 7:28 AM on June 2, 2018
That's an honourable goal, and more importantly, a completely achievable one.
The only way towards making sounds you enjoy is through a process of making a whole lot of noises you don't enjoy at all, then figuring out exactly what it was that you didn't enjoy about them, then improving that on the next go-round, rinse and repeat.
The reason I recommend bellowing and roaring in the car is that at present, the main thing that's wrong with the noises you're making is that they're way too mousy and tentative. Mousy and tentative is a lousy base for lusty, joyful, tuneful song. It's going to be a lot easier to fix the pitch of something sung with gusto than to fix the spirit of something mumbled without conviction. If your vocal cords are going to hold a tune, you need to give them air to hold it with, and the propulsive force and control of that air has to come from deep in your belly where your inner Brian Blessed lives.
Singing is about expressing what's in your heart, and I'm guessing that expressing embarrassment and fear of failure is probably not where you want to be aiming. A simple guitar tuner app will help you improve your pitch control, but only you can get your diaphragm to do what you need to ask of it. And you absolutely don't need to practice both these skills all at once every time you open your mouth; you can and should spend at least some time paying full attention to each of them independently, like a bodybuilder working separate muscle groups, and allow rather than force them to integrate.
The interior of a car on a noisy road is a great place to practice responding to just having made a horribly atonal (though richly timbred) noise with laughter rather than cringing embarrassment.
posted by flabdablet at 7:28 AM on June 2, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
I grew up without any ability to hit a note whatsoever. Utterly shocking pitch sense. I could barely tell whether I was above or below a target pitch.
I'm learning to play the violin, which requires exquisite pitch control to play well. My teacher makes me sing. It's terribly embarrassing to begin with, but it's you that will be embarrassed - not the teacher. They are used to students who start out with very poor abilities. You certainly don't have to be able to read music to make a good start.
Lessons will teach you how to learn - what exercises to practice, how to tell how you're doing, and how to measure progress. With a few lessons, together with a few minutes of practice every day, you'll be singing better than most people who have never had lessons.
Go and get a teacher. You might find one in your congregation. They will be delighted to help you.
Before that, you can get a tuner for your smartphone - there are lots of good ones, and just practice hitting a target note.
But get a teacher. It's what they are for.
posted by Combat Wombat at 8:03 PM on May 28, 2018 [11 favorites]