How can I live Happily Ever After with a borderline spouse?

May 27, 2018 6:41 PM

The prognosis for having a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder is not good; but where do I find the success stories?

My spouse has borderline personality disorder. We have children. We want to make this work. Assume that I’m familiar with most of the mainstream printed literature on dealing with a borderline personality and recovering from failed relationships with them. I’m not looking for information on how to manage this condition or relationship or how to move on.

Where are the success stories? Please tell me there are success stories.

Throwaway email if you have a personal anecdote you’d rather not share publicly: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total)

My friend was diagnosed with BPD as a teen (I think). She’s in her late 30s now and has had lots of therapy (including some intense DBT) in the interim but I think she has a good relationship with her husband. The challenges in their relationship actually seem to be from his mental health stuff, not hers.

Also - this may be incorrect but I sometimes get the sense that a chunk of what’s written about relationships with people with BPD is from the perspective of people making armchair diagnoses of people they’ve had awful failed relationships with, which feels dicey to me (and is always going to have a particularly negative slant.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:19 PM on May 27, 2018 [20 favorites]

I know a long-term happy couple in which one has BPD. I was very close to them in the early years of their relationship, and I saw previous relationships that the BPD partner had not work out.

The difference was clear and consistent from day one. The non BPD partner excels at keeping things light: "haha it doesn't matter," "oh isn't that funny," silly noises, stuff like that. Both of them are quick to acknowledge problems and ask for help from friends and family and professionals; the opposite of pretending things are perfect. They do a lot of formal goal-setting and list-making, and I think it helps reassure both of them that they're literally on the same page.
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 7:55 PM on May 27, 2018 [5 favorites]

A friend of mine was diagnosed with BPD many years ago, and had severe enough symptoms that she had ECT and several hospitalizations (I didn't know her then, so I don't know all the details). She's in her late 50s/early 60s, and she's been with her husband since she was 17, and everyone who knows them holds them up as an amazing couple. They are obviously still very much in love with each other, and they are both committed to emotionally/logistically supporting each other. She's done a ton of personal-growth work and I suspect is stable enough now that she'd no longer meet criteria for BPD, though she still deals with a severe mood disorder. But spending time with her and with both of them feels safe, and stable, and comforting, and joyful. I hold her as a role model for my own personal and professional life.
posted by lazuli at 12:04 AM on May 28, 2018 [6 favorites]

Yeah, a lot of stuff written about people with borderline is really mean-spirited! It might be good to seek out some writing from people who have that diagnosis themselves to get some more insight. My friend Maranda Elizabeth writes wonderfully about it-- you can check out the "bpd" tag on their blog, and here's an essay they wrote called "Dear Borderlines: Love Letters & Mad Dreams". They write about their BPD experiences with a compassion and insight that's helped me understand the behaviour of other folks I know with that diagnosis, even when it's difficult.
posted by ITheCosmos at 4:27 AM on May 28, 2018 [6 favorites]

For what it's worth, I was officially diagnosed BPD in 2007. The diagnosis was furnished by an extremely thorough and passionate clinical psychiatry PhD candidate who spent the entire summer interviewing and testing me. Bless that woman; I hope she's still in the industry.

Everyone who was professionally supporting me at that time gave me quite a dark view of my future, I'll admit... I spent years very close to suicide and attempted around ten times (not all were serious.) I was hospitalized at times, was cycled through the majority of antipsychotics, antidepressants, anxiolytics, etc... My twenties were not looking good, friends.

But the thing is, I didn't die and now I'm about to turn 34. My first marriage wasn't strong enough to handle this but my second marriage, to a much better man who is still not perfect, has lasted now almost seven years. We have a two year old who is beautiful, healthy, bright, and already attending formal preschool. I think we are just about as happy as most other middle class American families today. We both work full time in insurance consulting and might soon be lucky enough to venture into six figures for annual income.

I take a low dose SNRI now, and OTC Vitamin D3 supplements daily as I've learned my body doesn't process D well and mood swings can ensue. I believe so strongly that many of my issues came from a childhood full of neglect and subtle abuse as well the "write-off effect" that happens to women who try to seek any kind of psychiatric or medical help after they've been labeled BPD.

The fact that you know about all the mainstream negativity and you're still down means you can do this. It's recoverable. People with BPD are often extremely beautiful and rare creatures when healthy. They love like no else, they are loyal like no one else. If you are willing to work on it now and you're willing to keep on keeping on, you can have that marriage others will envy.

Best to you both and I'm always available if you have other questions.
posted by dissolvedgirl22 at 8:19 AM on May 28, 2018 [8 favorites]

A loving, supportive, healthy relationship can actually be very healing for BPD. I've seen some very heartwarming cases over the years. There is definitely hope for success.
posted by namesarehard at 9:55 AM on May 28, 2018 [4 favorites]

Married with a young child and I have BPD, at least I used to, but did a lot of therapy. It still comes out now and then but nowhere near as frequent. Feel free to read my metafilter history. I agree online is pretty bleak. I prefer to think of it as complex PTSD where the trigger on this case is either emotional closeness or the threat of losing such closeness. And also that the person doesn't know themselves that well.

I think what makes a success story is if the person with BPD is fairly reasonable outside of being triggered and can objectively reflect on their behavior and feelings and make plans to cope when the next trigger hits. Then if the non-BPD spouse is relatively stable (securely attached type, knows themselves well and won't get sucked into the BPD narrative, not gaslighting or a narcissist, has a strong heart) then I think you as a couple stand a really good chance. Also as a plus BPD will be very sensitive to their kid's feelings and if they have that objectivity I mentioned above then they will tune into their child's world really well.

Also as namesarehard mentioned, having a stable husband, that loving and healthy relationship, has been transformative for me.
posted by serenity soonish at 10:28 PM on May 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

Some of the success will be your tolerance, patience and coping strategies. Have you read Randi Kreger's book, Stop Walking On Eggshells? There's a lot of self-help and coping strategies in it. It's scary the first time you set a boundary and then enforce it. Setting bondaries and enforcing them is a worthwhile endeavor because you'll be repected. BPD folks need firm boundaries.

Randi Kreger's website has forums, where a lot of non-BPD folks go and commiserate. There's a Yahoo group but it isn't as active as it used to be.
posted by dlwr300 at 6:25 AM on May 29, 2018 [1 favorite]