Poly partner is not into me sexually... for now or forever?

May 27, 2018 6:25 PM

I'm in an open polyamorous relationship and one of my partners has not been sexually interested in me, yet has hooked up with someone else. Should I resign myself to a less (or nonexistent) sexual relationship with him, or is it too much for me to expect us to always be turned on by each other at the same time?

I'm a gay man in an open triad relationship with two other men. We live in house together and are very happy to be starting our lives together after so many years apart. One of my partners is not interested in sex with anyone at all, but I've usually had great sexual chemistry with my other partner, who I'll call Evan. But he doesn't seem to be very into me lately.

When we first moved in, Evan and I would have sex a lot; specifically he is into toys and fisting. Even though I'm not as into it as he is, I still love doing it with him because it's him. I think he's so sexy and beautiful. I'm into other things that he isn't, so he told me I don't have to hide it or be sneaky if I want to play with other guys. So I have, though it has brought up jealousy issues that we have talked through.

For awhile there, he was not interested in being intimate because of the stress of his new job, construction on the house, and a close friend of his who is dying. So I was patient but looking forward to being sexual with him again. But I caught him in a lie recently. He said he was going to work early, but I realized he was really going to meet a guy. I felt really hurt because I've been waiting for him to get his mojo back so we can be close again, and when he did get it back, he didn't want to be with me, he wanted to be with someone else.

When we talked about it, he apologized and said he didn't want me to feel hurt that he's not feeling particularly attracted to me right now, that things change when you live with someone and your lives become so intertwined and he needed an "escape" from his many stressful responsibilities at home. I also think he's been resentful that I'm currently unemployed (looking for work) and he works so hard at his job. He told me I'm still the best lover he has, and I know that no one has been able to make him feel like I have in the past.

So I don't know what to think. Is this something that happens in many open/poly relationships? This is my first time living with a partner in years. Should I not worry so much, is it something that passes? Should I just focus on getting a job and meeting other people to fill the void left by his disinterest? Or is this just the beginning of a sexless life together? Is it unreasonable to think your partner will always be into you at the same time you're into them? We talked about our feelings but things still feel unresolved; what should I do?

posted by Oneironaut420 to Human Relations (10 answers total)

I'm more concerned that he lied about meeting (and presumably hooking up with) another guy. Maybe possibly if you were explicitly on "don't ask, don't tell" kind of terms in regards to his other partners, but it still seems... Awkward
posted by Jacen at 7:52 PM on May 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

is it too much for me to expect us to always be turned on by each other at the same time?

That's too much to expect of any other person in any kind of relationship, poly or mono or casual or otherwise. Every person has their own life.

Is it unreasonable to think your partner will always be into you at the same time you're into them?

Yes it is. There is not a person anywhere in the world who is guaranteed to be horny at the exact same times as you are. You are not entitled to assume there is. In particular, you are not entitled to require any other person to be horny at any given moment. It's lovely when it happens. It's wonderful when it happens a lot. But there's a massive difference between appreciating it and luxuriating in it and being able to give yourself over to it completely when it does happen, and being fundamentally dissatisfied that it doesn't happen every time you might wish it did.

I recommend teaching yourself to be OK with that basic fact, then working outward from there toward solutions to the various other problems you will encounter within this and future relationships.
posted by flabdablet at 8:43 PM on May 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

>>Is this something that happens in many open/poly relationships?

Sure, it happens a lot, in all kinds of relationships. But lying to a partner, especially about something as significant as who you are sleeping with, is not ok, regardless of what your relationship structure is.

>>Should I just focus on getting a job and meeting other people to fill the void left by his disinterest?

You should focus on getting a job and meeting people, because those things will be good for you and build you up and make you happier and more confident.

>>Is it unreasonable to think your partner will always be into you at the same time you're into them?

Sure, that's unreasonable. But what you've described goes beyond that. You are settling for something inadequate, sexually and emotionally, hoping that it will get better, and I believe from what you wrote that it will probably not. You're clearly more into him than he is into you, and imo life is too short to accept a situation like that. You deserve to be with someone who is genuinely and fully into you, who lets you know how awesome you are, who is capable of expressing their sexual needs without actually saying they are "not attracted to you right now" (ouch!) and who doesn't lie to you about important shit.

>>We talked about our feelings but things still feel unresolved; what should I do?

What you should do is turn your attention away from him starting now. You can't fix your brain chemicals (you're going to be in lurve with him for a while) but you can decide what actions to take. Work on your own life and your own fulfillment. If you find yourself ruminating on him him him him HIM, go out and meet moar people, apply for moar jobs, or go for a walk rather than analyzing your relationship some more.
posted by nirblegee at 9:18 PM on May 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

I'm more concerned that he lied about meeting (and presumably hooking up with) another guy. Maybe possibly if you were explicitly on "don't ask, don't tell" kind of terms in regards to his other partners, but it still seems... Awkward

Yeah, it seems like not having to lie about it is one of the points of having an open relationship.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:12 AM on May 28, 2018

Response by poster: Thanks everyone, good advice here. To clarify:

We never had a hard and fast rule concerning discretion with other partners. We’ve just agreed that there’s no reason to be sneaky about it. He’s known about and even met some of my other partners but there are some he never knew about because those encounters never came up (ie: he was out of town or it was so brief that it wasn’t worth mentioning). He has told me about other times he has hooked up as well. I think what bothered me in this instance was that it had been so long since we had been physical and I was hurt that he wanted to be with someone else. If we had been having intimacy on the regular and then he wanted to be with someone else, that would have been ok.

And he didn’t actually say “I’m not into you right now”, it was more like “We’ve grown more familiar with each other and I’m not always going to be as interested in sex” etc etc but the gist of it still hurt.

I’m trying to be understanding about the lie because he didn’t want me to be hurt since I was already feeling emotionally vulnerable. We all panic and do stupid things in relationships with good intentions. But it still concerns me.

He has been attentive to me since then. He can see that I’ve been affected by this and twice yesterday he came into my room to be with me. He snuggled me tight before he went to work and came in to talk afterward, saying he was looking forward to seeing me. I can tell he feels bad about everything and I’m glad he’s being more attentive to my needs. It’s just hard to put that mistrust out of my mind and I worry that it might be a sign of larger problems. Or I could just be ruminating.
posted by Oneironaut420 at 5:37 AM on May 28, 2018

There’s a reason some poly folk have a rule that when the relationship has problems, it closes to new partners until those problems get worked out - because it’s really easy to ignore those problems when you’re essentially working them out with other people.

The problem here is that your partner is having relationship problems and resentment and it is affecting your sex life. That’s only a poly problem insofar as your partner didn’t come to you to work it out and went and had sex with someone else. But it’s really just a you-and-him relationship problem. Desire waxes and wanes, but if a main partner is not attracted to you sexually that is worth working out.
posted by corb at 5:54 AM on May 28, 2018 [5 favorites]

Agree that it's not a huge case of deception but if he feels a need to dish out white lies about sex in order to keep from setting you off, then that's a pretty big sign that you're being a bit clingy / needy in regards to the lack of sexual interest, and he doesn't have the emotional bandwidth / capacity / tolerance to continue to comfort you about it.

You need to own your own feelings, accept that sexual interest waxes and wanes, and if he's just not into you right now in that way, that if you are going to continue to share a house with this guy and say you're in a poly relationship with him that you are okay with that and will manage your own expectations and needs from here on out.

I can see as how maybe in a regular not living together, dating relationship, maybe you'd be the one more into him than he's into you, and he'd be putting the brakes on the number of dates, and that would suck to be you if you were totally grooving on him, but he has every right to his own space and needs, just like you do.

So find your calm, friendly compatibility, scale it back to room-mates if that's all he's prepared for right now, and work it from there. Get that job, find some new friends, and maybe things will change for the better. But even if they don't, you have a solid friendship, even if it isn't sexual right now, yes?

Don't throw that away, if you don't have to. Stay chill and mind your lane.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:13 AM on May 28, 2018

Best answer: Yeah, this was pretty clearly not "it didn't come up" or "you wouldn't have cared" — he hid something from you that he knew would upset you.

I think for a lot of people (maybe especially for a lot of guys) the fantasy about don't-ask-don't-tell poly is that it means never having to process feelings or discuss needs. And that's just not true. Even when the rules are relaxed and there isn't any kind of complicated negotiation needed before going out and getting some, you're still going to have feelings and needs sometimes, and you're still going to need to talk about them.

"I'm not feeling attracted to you" can mean a lot of things, but a lot of the time it means "There's Something going on with me that's making it hard to get in the mood with you." And that Something can be resentment, insecurities, fears, jealousy, feeling unattractive — all kinds of different stuff, including, sure, the stresses of cohabitating. The problem isn't that the Something exists: feelings happen, even ugly ones, and people deal with them, and it's fine. The problem is that he isn't addressing the Something, and instead is blowing you off and sneaking around.

The best case scenario here is he works on communicating, and is gentle with you while you're upset, and sorts out whatever the Something is that's making intimacy with you hard for him — and then you go back to having good sex. (Or, as so often happens in a long term relationship, you keep alternating between times when you have good sex and times when you don't, but the good times keep coming back.) I don't think that's too much to hope for at all. But the ball is kind of in his court as far as getting his feelings straight, committing to not hiding things from you, and figuring out what he needs to make sex with you feel appealing again. It shouldn't have to be your job to make him do those things.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:16 AM on May 28, 2018 [4 favorites]

that he's not feeling particularly attracted to me right now, that things change when you live with someone

All of this sounds like it's a slow moving breakup combined with a certain level of codependent close friendship with all of you.

are very happy to be starting our lives together after so many years apart

Are all of you really? Most people don't celebrate finally being together after years apart by sneaking in a new relationship (even if it's just fucking) on the side and telling the partner that's moved in with them that they're not attracted to them. It does sound like what happens when people change during an LDR and the person that you're with turns out to not be the person that you built them to be inside your mind.

It sounds like all of you need to have a real heart to heart discussion about what each of you wants out of the relationship and whether you're getting it and either fix the problems or move on.
posted by Candleman at 5:20 PM on May 28, 2018 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: I understand what you mean. But we met six years ago when we lived in the same city and were only separated about three years ago (and we still regularly visited each other during that time). We've been living together for 4 months and in that time we have each met other guys to play with and have even played with guys together. We are just highly sexual people. At first we were having sex at least once a week, if not twice. We've always had other lovers, mutual and individually. In fact, I meet other guys so I can get to do things Evan is not into. So fucking on the side in itself is not the issue; I understand that part. It was just the timing that bugged me this time and which has me worried.

Evan has often told me how glad he is that I'm here with them, and how my particular talents and skills are appreciated in our household. We all support each other in different ways and we like doing things together like take trips and work on our house together. We feel like a team. And he says that I'm still the best lover he has; it was what brought us together initially, this intense connection we've had. Everything else has been great, I just worry about losing this connection that I miss so much.

I'm just a big worrier and I wonder if he will ever be into me again or if this is just a cycle or phase most relationships go through. I'm impatient because right now, I miss being with him and I wish he missed being with me. But it sounds like maybe I just have to accept that we aren't always going to be on the same page sexually.
posted by Oneironaut420 at 5:39 PM on May 28, 2018