Accessing a generous/kind/gracious minset
May 21, 2018 6:51 AM Subscribe
I'd like to get better (more frequently, longer duration) at being in the state of mind where kindness/graciousness are joyful for me. Any tips?
There have been times in my life when being kind/gracious/generous/forgiving wasn't just something I make myself do because otherwise other people will have to pick up my slack and that's not fair/ otherwise I'll be a horrible person/ because it's the kind of thing a person should do/I'd want this if positions were reversed/ etc.
Instead, I was in a state of mind where being kind/gracious/generous/forgiving felt easy and joyful and like something I genuinely wanted, not for any of the reasons above but because I simply felt a strong desire for it. Not just me self-correcting, starting to think a negative thought and then stopping and rephrasing, but me having a compassionate thought from the start. That kind of thing.
I've had it, for example, after a powerful spiritual experience, or occasionally just when I'm in a very good mood that combines with a feeling of openness/generosity.
I would really like to access this state of mind more. More frequently, longer, just more.
Slight caveat: I am aware that there are focused meditations specifically about this. Unfortunately, meditating makes me figuratively break out in hives, at least all those I have tried thus far. I'm still sort of open to this as a possibility, if you have a specific meditation and technique you can recommend, but I would really, really prefer non-meditation alternatives.
There have been times in my life when being kind/gracious/generous/forgiving wasn't just something I make myself do because otherwise other people will have to pick up my slack and that's not fair/ otherwise I'll be a horrible person/ because it's the kind of thing a person should do/I'd want this if positions were reversed/ etc.
Instead, I was in a state of mind where being kind/gracious/generous/forgiving felt easy and joyful and like something I genuinely wanted, not for any of the reasons above but because I simply felt a strong desire for it. Not just me self-correcting, starting to think a negative thought and then stopping and rephrasing, but me having a compassionate thought from the start. That kind of thing.
I've had it, for example, after a powerful spiritual experience, or occasionally just when I'm in a very good mood that combines with a feeling of openness/generosity.
I would really like to access this state of mind more. More frequently, longer, just more.
Slight caveat: I am aware that there are focused meditations specifically about this. Unfortunately, meditating makes me figuratively break out in hives, at least all those I have tried thus far. I'm still sort of open to this as a possibility, if you have a specific meditation and technique you can recommend, but I would really, really prefer non-meditation alternatives.
Response by poster: Hi, just want to clarify/focus-- yes, obviously I'm also interested in the actual doing, however, a quick search through metafilter got me at least two dozen questions on that topic and the emotional labor checklist alone covers plenty more, and it's a fairly easy topic to google as well.
So this question is not about actual actionable ways to do kind and generous things. It is only about the mindset.
edit: this somehow got submitted before I was done?
posted by Cozybee at 7:18 AM on May 21, 2018
So this question is not about actual actionable ways to do kind and generous things. It is only about the mindset.
edit: this somehow got submitted before I was done?
posted by Cozybee at 7:18 AM on May 21, 2018
Best answer: Something that puts me in this mindset is practicing mindfulness and presence when I'm interacting with people. In conversations I choose to set down my phone, look in someone's eyes, actually listen to what they're saying. The more closely I attend to someone the more they reveal themselves to me in their full humanity, and I more often find myself fostering genuine warmth towards them.
It's also helpful to spend time with other people who display these qualities you want to emulate. I'm much quicker to slip into judgement, irritability, and defensiveness if I'm around others who project those things. But when I surround myself with kind, warm, vulnerable people that I admire, I slip into that mindset myself much more easily.
I also tell myself a lot of kind stories about people. I generally assume good intentions. When I encounter someone behaving poorly, I give myself a narrative framework for that behavior that is generous and compassionate. If someone pushes past me on the subway, I think about how they must be running late, and think about the times I've been running late and how stressful that was. If someone I love gets defensive when I bring up a problem, I remember that his family used him as a scapegoat for all of their issues and remember how difficult it is to break that pattern. This is not to make excuses for ill treatment, and I'm firm in my boundaries, but it's helpful to give myself an alternative narrative that inspires kindness in me.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 7:44 AM on May 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
It's also helpful to spend time with other people who display these qualities you want to emulate. I'm much quicker to slip into judgement, irritability, and defensiveness if I'm around others who project those things. But when I surround myself with kind, warm, vulnerable people that I admire, I slip into that mindset myself much more easily.
I also tell myself a lot of kind stories about people. I generally assume good intentions. When I encounter someone behaving poorly, I give myself a narrative framework for that behavior that is generous and compassionate. If someone pushes past me on the subway, I think about how they must be running late, and think about the times I've been running late and how stressful that was. If someone I love gets defensive when I bring up a problem, I remember that his family used him as a scapegoat for all of their issues and remember how difficult it is to break that pattern. This is not to make excuses for ill treatment, and I'm firm in my boundaries, but it's helpful to give myself an alternative narrative that inspires kindness in me.
posted by rabbitbookworm at 7:44 AM on May 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: What helps me is to read something like the classic Esquire profile of Mr Rogers or something similarly uplifting about a person who does good without thought. Or I think about times when people have been overly kind to me for no reason (sending flowers to say thank you and the feeling it provoked, for example) or about people I know that help others and serious conversations I've had with them about the worth of that effort to the people they work with.
posted by humuhumu at 7:45 AM on May 21, 2018
posted by humuhumu at 7:45 AM on May 21, 2018
My experience has been that with the doing, comes the feeling. The more I am kind and generous, the more I WANT to be kind and generous. Send some postcards to friends you haven't talked to in awhile, do a little volunteer work, smile at people you pass on the sidewalk -- all those things in the other threads you mention. People smile back and then it becomes sort of a positive feedback loop from there.
posted by adiabat at 7:56 AM on May 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by adiabat at 7:56 AM on May 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Try combining the concept of meditating with a physical activity. I like swimming and a relaxing walk in nature. Sitting still with a guided narrative is not my jam.
I will give you a parable my mother gave to me about driving:
Notice how often a driver who speeds and cuts in front of other drivers is simply sitting there waiting at the next red light.
posted by effluvia at 8:17 AM on May 21, 2018
I will give you a parable my mother gave to me about driving:
Notice how often a driver who speeds and cuts in front of other drivers is simply sitting there waiting at the next red light.
posted by effluvia at 8:17 AM on May 21, 2018
I am not a buddhist, but the Dalai Lama's book "The Art of Happiness" had this effect on me when I first read it. Although I have found myself falling back to familiar habits, it made a lasting impression and I still think about it. I should pick it up to read it again.
Some book quotes from GoodReads.
A brief overview on this website.
Some particular quotes that resonated for me:
“Our attitude towards suffering becomes very important because it can affect how we cope with suffering when it arises.”
“Rather, genuine compassion is based on the rationale that all human beings have an innate desire to be happy and overcome suffering, just like myself. And, just like myself, they have the natural right to fulfill this fundamental aspiration.”
“So let us reflect on what is truly of value in life, what gives meaning to our lives, and set our priorities on the basis of that. The purpose of our life needs to be positive. We weren't born with the purpose of causing trouble, harming others. For our life to be of value, I think we must develop basic good human qualities-warmth, kindness, compassion. Then our life becomes meaningful and more peaceful-happier.”
posted by like_neon at 8:27 AM on May 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some book quotes from GoodReads.
A brief overview on this website.
Some particular quotes that resonated for me:
“Our attitude towards suffering becomes very important because it can affect how we cope with suffering when it arises.”
“Rather, genuine compassion is based on the rationale that all human beings have an innate desire to be happy and overcome suffering, just like myself. And, just like myself, they have the natural right to fulfill this fundamental aspiration.”
“So let us reflect on what is truly of value in life, what gives meaning to our lives, and set our priorities on the basis of that. The purpose of our life needs to be positive. We weren't born with the purpose of causing trouble, harming others. For our life to be of value, I think we must develop basic good human qualities-warmth, kindness, compassion. Then our life becomes meaningful and more peaceful-happier.”
posted by like_neon at 8:27 AM on May 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It sounds counterintuitive but, in my experience, you gotta fill your own cup before you can feel like it runneth over, you know? Don't try to make yourself feel compassionate when you're drained dry, angry, disconnected. Instead, do whatever you need to do to put yourself in that good, spiritual, open place where the compassion flows more naturally.
For me, a big part of this is keeping my financial house in order, because my brain really likes a metaphor apparently, and if I feel like I can be generous on that most pedestrian level, other kinds of generosity follow effortlessly.
Maybe for you that means having more spiritual experiences, or being more mindful of doing things that put you in a really good mood. If you're not getting your needs met you will naturally have less to give and be more resentful of giving it.
Remember that people who practice generosity and compassion while also vowing poverty & such ALSO usually belong to religious orders that fulfill all their basic needs for them & provide them with a base of lifelong security. They don't draw infinitely from an empty well :)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:42 AM on May 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
For me, a big part of this is keeping my financial house in order, because my brain really likes a metaphor apparently, and if I feel like I can be generous on that most pedestrian level, other kinds of generosity follow effortlessly.
Maybe for you that means having more spiritual experiences, or being more mindful of doing things that put you in a really good mood. If you're not getting your needs met you will naturally have less to give and be more resentful of giving it.
Remember that people who practice generosity and compassion while also vowing poverty & such ALSO usually belong to religious orders that fulfill all their basic needs for them & provide them with a base of lifelong security. They don't draw infinitely from an empty well :)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 8:42 AM on May 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: The Buddhist practice that helps me with this is mudita. It is, outside of mindfulness, the only identifiably Buddhist thing I do, and I find it helps me with nearly everything about interacting with other human beings.
Sure, there are meditations for it, but I don’t think meditation is required for it. The kind of meditations I do are usually not focused on my feelings for other people at all.
I’m on my phone so I can’t link right now, but I trust google to lead you well.
Alternatively, a podcast I enjoy reminds listeners that other people aren’t doing their lives at you, by which they mean other people’s lateness, selfishness, heartbreaks, lottery winnings, aren’t (generally) about you. Everyone is doing the best they can, and I’ve learned it’s interesting to practice not doing my life at other people. So I realize that sounds like the behavior of generosity, but I would argue it’s also the feeling and spirit of generosity.
My last piece of advice is be sure you’re eating well, sleeping enough, and moving enough each day. Your body and your soul need all of these things. If you consume cigarette, alcohol, or illicit drugs, consider reducing the frequency or amount. These things we do in our bodies have enormous effects on the way we feel and on our ability to regulate our own emotions. Anything you can do to make the task of basic emotion regulation easier makes harder emotion regulation also easier. Also, be generous with yourself.
posted by bilabial at 8:58 AM on May 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Sure, there are meditations for it, but I don’t think meditation is required for it. The kind of meditations I do are usually not focused on my feelings for other people at all.
I’m on my phone so I can’t link right now, but I trust google to lead you well.
Alternatively, a podcast I enjoy reminds listeners that other people aren’t doing their lives at you, by which they mean other people’s lateness, selfishness, heartbreaks, lottery winnings, aren’t (generally) about you. Everyone is doing the best they can, and I’ve learned it’s interesting to practice not doing my life at other people. So I realize that sounds like the behavior of generosity, but I would argue it’s also the feeling and spirit of generosity.
My last piece of advice is be sure you’re eating well, sleeping enough, and moving enough each day. Your body and your soul need all of these things. If you consume cigarette, alcohol, or illicit drugs, consider reducing the frequency or amount. These things we do in our bodies have enormous effects on the way we feel and on our ability to regulate our own emotions. Anything you can do to make the task of basic emotion regulation easier makes harder emotion regulation also easier. Also, be generous with yourself.
posted by bilabial at 8:58 AM on May 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Instead, I was in a state of mind where being kind/gracious/generous/forgiving felt easy and joyful and like something I genuinely wanted, not for any of the reasons above but because I simply felt a strong desire for it. Not just me self-correcting, starting to think a negative thought and then stopping and rephrasing, but me having a compassionate thought from the start. That kind of thing.
I won't say this is my default state, but it's the state I find myself in most frequently, unless I'm in a really bad mood. (I can tell I'm getting depressed or anxious when I start thinking about how everybody on my subway train sucks ass.) It just feels worse, for me, to dwell on the particulars of how and why other people suck. For example, I was taking a cab with a friend recently and the driver didn't show up at the right place, and she kept going on about it while we were waiting for him, and I just felt exhausted by it. If she had been able to let it go, we would have just spent five minutes chatting and then gotten in the cab, no biggie; but instead I had to live in her irritation, and irritation isn't a pleasant emotion to feel.
I don't think this is anything I cultivated deliberately. But as a kid, I was most definitely NOT like this. I felt like I was always right and other people were always wrong. And I was vocal about it, which did not endear me to any of my peers - but aside from that, it just felt bad to be constantly worrying about how and why other people were wrong.
I wish I could tell you exactly what my 'mental journey' from there to here was like, but as I said, it was nothing conscious or deliberate. I think the key, though, is that I became more compassionate and forgiving NOT because I felt I owed it to other people, or even felt I owed it to myself, but simply because it made me, personally, feel less crappy on a day to day basis.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:05 AM on May 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
I won't say this is my default state, but it's the state I find myself in most frequently, unless I'm in a really bad mood. (I can tell I'm getting depressed or anxious when I start thinking about how everybody on my subway train sucks ass.) It just feels worse, for me, to dwell on the particulars of how and why other people suck. For example, I was taking a cab with a friend recently and the driver didn't show up at the right place, and she kept going on about it while we were waiting for him, and I just felt exhausted by it. If she had been able to let it go, we would have just spent five minutes chatting and then gotten in the cab, no biggie; but instead I had to live in her irritation, and irritation isn't a pleasant emotion to feel.
I don't think this is anything I cultivated deliberately. But as a kid, I was most definitely NOT like this. I felt like I was always right and other people were always wrong. And I was vocal about it, which did not endear me to any of my peers - but aside from that, it just felt bad to be constantly worrying about how and why other people were wrong.
I wish I could tell you exactly what my 'mental journey' from there to here was like, but as I said, it was nothing conscious or deliberate. I think the key, though, is that I became more compassionate and forgiving NOT because I felt I owed it to other people, or even felt I owed it to myself, but simply because it made me, personally, feel less crappy on a day to day basis.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:05 AM on May 21, 2018 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Inspirational listening from our man Frank: Be More Kind [YT].
posted by wenestvedt at 9:42 AM on May 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by wenestvedt at 9:42 AM on May 21, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Unfortunately, meditating makes me figuratively break out in hives, at least all those I have tried thus far.
If you are someone who is transactional and maybe results-oriented it can be hard to think "Yes but what do I GET out of this other than a lack of feeling I caused a problem?" and while it's worth trying to break out of the transactional mindset generally for some other reasons, some people are better at this than others. So.... I am bad at this (though I think generally kind when I am in an okay frame of mind) and here is what works for me.
- I do a meditating thing in the morning which is seven minutes. Even if you hate meditation it might be okay. It's by a guy in Ireland who is a wedding celebrant (i.e. not a meditation person usually) and it talks about "rededicating yourself to goodness" and it just makes a list of what sort of things that might be ("thank someone for something they have long forgotten they did for you") and the end goal is "At the end of the day the world will be a little better because I have lived today". I can get behind that. It's small, manageable and I don't have to become a different person to do that.
- Realistically, it might help to get MORE transactional about this stuff in a "fake it til you make it" sort of way. I have days where I hate everything and everyone (myself most of all!) but I find that being gracious and forgiving and kind inclines people to be more favorable towards me--the same way wearing an excellently fitting piece of clothing or doing your hair up nice can--and sometimes I need that. So I give something in to the cosmic karma bank of niceness and it means there's something there to withdraw that *I* need.. So regardless of whether this is a total empathically pure way to think (it isn't) it still WORKS to get the thing done.
- From a different direction, looking at all the parts of your life and your decisions about how much to interact with other people and being able to tell yourself "Hey I chose this" can be empowering and make the things you do feel better to you. My sister used to crab a lot about her work, to the extent that sometimes our convos would be like "Look man, you can get another job" but at some point she changed her thinking about it. She still has the same number of gripes about her workplace but feels more agency. On a day to day basis she knows that she chose that, so it's easier for her to do the work required to maintain it. That might be you with some of the interactions that you have to have. "Hey I chose this, so this little part of it is part of that" More agency for you can equal more good feelings
And, at the end of it, if you have a tape loop in your head that tells you that you are a horrible person, that is something that could use adjusting in a larger sense. Maybe you have anxiety, depression, are stuck in a bad relationship or a bad job, but it may be that you need to go upstream of this day to day gratitude stuff and tinker a little more with your higher level thinking (in any of the usual ways, exercise, therapy, talk to a pastor, whatever) and at least keep that on the table. I've been there, you don't need to live that way.
posted by jessamyn at 11:18 AM on May 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you are someone who is transactional and maybe results-oriented it can be hard to think "Yes but what do I GET out of this other than a lack of feeling I caused a problem?" and while it's worth trying to break out of the transactional mindset generally for some other reasons, some people are better at this than others. So.... I am bad at this (though I think generally kind when I am in an okay frame of mind) and here is what works for me.
- I do a meditating thing in the morning which is seven minutes. Even if you hate meditation it might be okay. It's by a guy in Ireland who is a wedding celebrant (i.e. not a meditation person usually) and it talks about "rededicating yourself to goodness" and it just makes a list of what sort of things that might be ("thank someone for something they have long forgotten they did for you") and the end goal is "At the end of the day the world will be a little better because I have lived today". I can get behind that. It's small, manageable and I don't have to become a different person to do that.
- Realistically, it might help to get MORE transactional about this stuff in a "fake it til you make it" sort of way. I have days where I hate everything and everyone (myself most of all!) but I find that being gracious and forgiving and kind inclines people to be more favorable towards me--the same way wearing an excellently fitting piece of clothing or doing your hair up nice can--and sometimes I need that. So I give something in to the cosmic karma bank of niceness and it means there's something there to withdraw that *I* need.. So regardless of whether this is a total empathically pure way to think (it isn't) it still WORKS to get the thing done.
- From a different direction, looking at all the parts of your life and your decisions about how much to interact with other people and being able to tell yourself "Hey I chose this" can be empowering and make the things you do feel better to you. My sister used to crab a lot about her work, to the extent that sometimes our convos would be like "Look man, you can get another job" but at some point she changed her thinking about it. She still has the same number of gripes about her workplace but feels more agency. On a day to day basis she knows that she chose that, so it's easier for her to do the work required to maintain it. That might be you with some of the interactions that you have to have. "Hey I chose this, so this little part of it is part of that" More agency for you can equal more good feelings
And, at the end of it, if you have a tape loop in your head that tells you that you are a horrible person, that is something that could use adjusting in a larger sense. Maybe you have anxiety, depression, are stuck in a bad relationship or a bad job, but it may be that you need to go upstream of this day to day gratitude stuff and tinker a little more with your higher level thinking (in any of the usual ways, exercise, therapy, talk to a pastor, whatever) and at least keep that on the table. I've been there, you don't need to live that way.
posted by jessamyn at 11:18 AM on May 21, 2018 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
The other suggestion I have is that you could start volunteering. That's a kind, generous, and gracious way to use your time in a setting where you are able to set your own boundaries and stick to them, and watch yourself make a difference. Again, it's about concrete action leading to the spiritual feelings. The opposite does not work imo.
posted by MiraK at 7:13 AM on May 21, 2018