Truncated Courtship- Launching a Successful Marriage in 45 Days
May 19, 2018 12:23 AM   Subscribe

I have been seeing someone for a few months and need to decide in about 45 days whether we will get married. How can I spend this time getting to know him better in the areas that will be most crucial in laying the foundation for a good marriage?

I'm spending as much time with him as possible in different situations and environments to see how compatible we really are and I'm talking with a lawyer about the financial and legal obligations. But I'm not sure how to suss out 1) whether he is really a good and trustworthy person, and 2) whether the things that are less than ideal about him (for me and my lifestyle) will turn out to make me resent him in the long term, which will of course end up hurting him.

I'm most afraid, in general, of being with a jealous, critical, or controlling man, but in my experience that takes more time than we have. There are also a few things about his lifestyle/personality that I'm not really into, and that I've broken up with previous partners for. They aren't bad things per se, just preferences. What we do have: a lot in common about our values and interests, he is kind and supportive, affectionate and attractive.

A little about my relationship background. In 17 years of dating, I've been really “in love” with two people and those relationships were pretty disastrous, so I'm not sure that I make the greatest choices about who to give my heart to. (FWIW, I'm not convinced that “love” marriages are better than “arranged” or “decided” marriages.) My other relationships were with people of varying levels of decency and compatibility but with whom I ultimately ended things because I decided I was happier alone than with someone I wasn't wild about.

My question is not whether I should marry him or not; my question is what information do I need and how do I gain it in order to make the best decision on day 45? And yes, the time constraint is real and externally imposed, it's not naturally coming from either of us.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (42 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
45 days? It isn't going to happen. Sorry, you can do what you can, but you are rolling a dice here, and it looks to me it is loaded against you. Marriage after a whirlwind romance is one thing, being 'forced' to marry before you are ready, with some not-quite-red flags is another. Definitely get a prenup to protect your assets, not sure what you can do to protect your emotions.
posted by GeeEmm at 1:17 AM on May 19, 2018 [16 favorites]


just keep getting to know each other and talk it out. What I would *really* use my time on in the next 45 days is to find out how easy it would be to get either an annullment or a divorce where you are. Oh, and definitely a pre-nup!
posted by alchemist at 1:20 AM on May 19, 2018 [6 favorites]


I'm on my second marriage. The first marriage sucked, and this second one is pretty great. Here's what I've learned.
1) Sexual chemistry is really, really important. If both of you are asexual, then you're probably fine, but if your libidos differ or one of you is less attracted to the other, there will be big problems.

2) The way the two of you give and receive affection needs to be compatible. If one of you is a gift-giver and the other is a hugger, there may be some problems. Huggers work best with huggers, and gift-givers work best with gift-givers. Huggers and gift-givers are constantly breaking each others' hearts.

3) Do you want kids? Does he? People change their minds, sure, but misleading someone in this area is a really cruel thing to do.

4) Do you, deep down, think you're a better person than he is? I don't mean like tallying up your respective strengths; I mean on a gut level, do you think he is your moral equal? If so, and if the three previous conditions are met, I think a successful marriage is likely.
posted by jwhite1979 at 1:20 AM on May 19, 2018 [24 favorites]


I agree with you that you don’t have time to be sure he’s not controlling, etc, so I would recommend finding out about how to end the marriage, so you know if this is a decision you can back out of.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 1:21 AM on May 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


Your story somehow reminds me of this movie.

Well, I can only think of two reasons for such an accelerated wedding: immigration or pregnancy. Either way, there’s nothing that you can do in 45 days that will ensure this marriage is a success. So, yeah, as they teach you in Defensive Driving lessons, leave yourself an out.
posted by Kwadeng at 1:35 AM on May 19, 2018 [10 favorites]


A deadline is probably the worst foundation for a marriage.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 1:40 AM on May 19, 2018 [46 favorites]


You need to be in high-stakes situations to asses how he handles a crisis. Do something he is unfamiliar/uncomfortable with but willing to try (rock climbing? Visiting unfamiliar city? Escape room?). Negative (and positive) traits and coping skills will be apparent. Ask about past crisis’s and how he navigated them. Not having any to talk about means he has either been incredibly sheltered (and thus doesn’t have your equivalent maturity) or he has no insight into his own behaviour or is deceiving you. None of those are good options. Can you get to know his family? They will be your family, can you see yourself married to that family? Any potential SILs you can talk to about how the MIL treats them (pre- and post-marriage behaviour can change dramatically)? In addition to evaluating him, let yourself be vulnerable and non-performative. Don’t wear makeup, fart, snort when you laugh ... let him see the “real you” that would appear anyway after marriage so HE can make an informed choice. You haven’t given a reason for the deadline, it are you SURE it is as hard and fast as you think? Are you getting that information from a third party? In other words, who’s agenda is being served by not giving you much time to make this choice? Good luck!
posted by saucysault at 1:52 AM on May 19, 2018 [6 favorites]


There is no way to circumnavigate your worst case scenario unless he is jealous controlling and critical but also has no self awareness. Then you might, by talking with him about others relationships or spending time with him in higher pressure situations, get a glimpse of that.

If he's cruel because he likes to be cruel and older than about 24 he'll also know how to hide his cruelty. You won't winkle it out of him in 45 days.

Try telling him you won't marry him. His reaction might he illuminating.
posted by intergalacticvelvet at 3:04 AM on May 19, 2018 [6 favorites]


My question is not whether I should marry him or not; my question is what information do I need and how do I gain it in order to make the best decision on day 45?

You have the option to not get married, though, right? You already have the information that you need, which is that you will not know this person well enough in 45 days to commit to marrying them.*

The best decision to make on Day 45 is that you cannot marry this person.

*I'm assuming that you're wondering if a person can learn enough critical info about someone in 45 days to make a reasonable judgment to spend their life with someone in a loving marriage. The answer to that is no. If you're asking because this this is some type of arranged/immigration/green card/Lifetime movie marriage which you're going to go through with anyway, then it doesn't matter what info you learn.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 3:23 AM on May 19, 2018 [29 favorites]


Take a long weekend trip together, to someplace difficult (as in, another country if possible), and see how it goes.

As mentioned above, do an activity that pushes you both out of your comfort zone - does he ever lash out at you?

Pre-marital counseling session, at least twice.

Ask hard questions - what does monogamy mean to the two of you? Is it okay if you have dinner with a member of the opposite sex, or kiss someone, or sleep with someone else? Is abortion an option if you got pregnant and the baby wasn’t viable? Do you expect to take care of your parents? Will bank accounts be shared? How many children, is adoption an option, are fertility options possible?

Does one of you spend a lot more than the other?

Thoughts on pets?

Is the sex good?

Do you like his friends? Have you met his family? Have you talked about his past relationships? How did they end? How does he talk about his exes?

And I would also get a background check on him and sign a pre-nup.
posted by umwhat at 4:14 AM on May 19, 2018 [10 favorites]


Variation. You might be great together a) going out every night to a show, or b) staying in together and snuggling, or c) getting together with friends, or d) seeing family, or e) doing daily tasks like shopping or working on the house, or f) traveling to new places, etc. But you want to marry someone who you are happy doing ALL of those things, and more.

Try to see how he reacts to all of life, and how the two of you react to all of it together.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 4:41 AM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


OK, hmm. Somehow I feel like knowing more about the specifics would help because I'm having a hard time conceiving why the answer isn't just "You can't know a person well enough in such a short time, end of story." Which is pretty much my underlying answer here, but if you're determined to give it a try…

Go on a road trip. Like, a long one—two weeks at least, a month would be better. A road trip with camping. This will put the two of you together in a stripped-down, intimate, challenging environment where you will be unable to escape each others' company and will have to work together to get things done and overcome difficulties both planned and unplanned. There will be fun times, there will be stressful times, and you'll have to figure it out together and try to get along and make things work as a team. Long road trips, in my experience, make or break relationships.

If it goes any way other than absolutely splendidly, do not marry this man. "It went OK" or "It was mostly great, but" are not good enough. Any disagreeable tendencies that he displays, or any negative feelings that you develop for him over the course of the trip, will magnify 1000x over the course of a marriage. If he is 100% amazing as a road trip and camping partner from start to finish, then you guys might be able to survive each other long-term. Anything less than that, run.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:00 AM on May 19, 2018 [6 favorites]


But I'm not sure how to suss out 1) whether he is really a good and trustworthy person

I would not marry someone without being pretty darn sure about this, and this is something you learn about a person over time. How they react to adversity; how they support you during tough times; how well they treat other people; what their relationship is like with their own family and how they relate to yours; how they manage anger; how they behave when no one is looking. I don't think you can know that in 45 days.

Ever heard the expression "Marry in haste, repent at leisure"?
posted by Kangaroo at 5:24 AM on May 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


I actually do think it's possible to make a decent decision about whether to marry someone that quickly. My parents, for example, got engaged and married within less time, and are still happily married more than 50 years later. However, they both had grown up in happy families, and I think that makes it easier to recognize a healthy partner. (My own experience has been that I can also quickly tell if someone is truly compatible with me for a long-term relationship). And, they had no doubt that they were in love within a few dates, which is not your situation. Do you have happily partnered friends who can spend time with the two of you and give their opinion? What does your family think of him? If you're not in love with him, does he know that, and if so, why does he want to get married? Why is this different for you than the past relationships where you thought that there wasn't enough there? Go through some of the online lists of questions to ask before marriage (for example, this one). If this is a green card situation, asking these questions might also bring up cultural differences. Talk as much as possible, especially about challenges he's faced in the past, like losing a job. Ask them if he's been jealous in past relationships. You won't have a perfect amount of information, but someone dating for a year or two might not either.
posted by pinochiette at 5:32 AM on May 19, 2018 [7 favorites]


I'm assuming OP is having an "arranged" marriage, which is not a forced marriage as many Westerners think, but it does mean that parents and society frown upon dating periods of longer than a couple months. I encourage other commenters to keep this constraint in mind with the knowledge that most arranged marriages are successful despite the difference in courtship.
posted by redlines at 5:56 AM on May 19, 2018 [17 favorites]


It's worth noting that the poster has already been seeing this person for a few months, so they aren't going from total strangers to engagement rings in 45 days.

It would be worthwhile to google up some lists of pre-marriage questions. There are about a zillion of those lists out there. Some of them are more serious and explore issues like finances and parenting philosophies to be sure you are on the same page or can come to some compromise. Some of them are designed to create intimacy. Some of them are just kind of fun.

Work through a couple of those lists with your prospective partner over the next 45 days. It won't save you from a guy who knows how to say all the right things and will turn on you later, but at least you'll have some deeper discussions on a bunch of important topics.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:34 AM on May 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


As a wise person (possibly on Metafilter) once said, "If the answer to 'should we get married?' isn't 'Hell yes,' it's 'Hell no.'"
posted by basalganglia at 6:58 AM on May 19, 2018 [14 favorites]


I still feel like knowing more of the circumstances around this marriage (is it an immigration thing, is there a pregnancy-related deadline, is it an arranged marriage, what is it?) would help a lot in terms of providing guidance. A nice-seeming guy who your parents found for you but who you just don't know all that well is one thing, but somebody who you were on the verge of breaking up with when you found out you were pregnant and now you're trying to decide whether to marry, terminate the pregnancy, or make a go as a single mother is a whole other kettle of fish. The bar would be a lot higher (possibly insurmountably high) in the latter case than in the former.

OP, if you hit the mods up via the Contact Form at the bottom of the page, they can add responses on your behalf. If you wanted to do that, I think it might improve the quality of the advice you're getting.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 7:22 AM on May 19, 2018 [6 favorites]


36questionsinlove.com. Answering these questions (taking turns) is one way to get to know him better. Good luck, OP!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:25 AM on May 19, 2018 [9 favorites]


First, I assume that you like him, are attracted to him, and enjoy his company.


Talk to his exes. Ask why they broke up and how old they were, and if they fundamentally think he's a decent person. If he is on bad terms with all of his exes, that's a bad sign.

Talk to his closest friends and observe how they interact. That will give you a rough sense of what kinds of people and values he voluntarily surrounds himself with.

Observe how he interacts with and treats his family, especially.his mother, and get a sense of what his "role" is with his family, how involved they are in his life, and whether you are ok with those. His behaviour towards his mother will likely become his behaviour towards you.

Check whether he validates or invalidates you when you discuss your emotions, experience, and opinions.

Check if you share roughly the same sense of humor (if he likes humor you find disturbing or offensive it suggests values conflicts), the same ideas about manners(if you are ashamed of or offended by him you're going to end up resentful), the same opinions about personal hygeine, and the same expectations about sex.

See if you feel compatible ways about major potential values conflicts that could affect you one day such as abortion, end-of-life care, religion, having and raising children, gender roles, charity, work-life balance, and money management and goals (do you feel the same way about debt? Spending? Saving?). Find out how much debt he carries what he thinks is worth going into debt for.

Do a background check, seriously. Are there creditors after him that might end up coming after you or a past bankruptcy? How about a past divorce? Children? Alimony or support payments? Criminal history?

Find out what he thinks marriage is. What is its purpose? Why get married? What does a successful marriage look like to him? What is a failed marriage? What is grounds for divorce?

Find out his and his family's health history. Is there a history of illnesss that you don't want to pass on to potential children? Early onset of illnesses that you might not be equipped to cope with? Genetic incompatibilities? Chronic diseases? Mental health problems, dementia, Alzheimer's? What health problems are you willing to accept as the cost of doing business? Are they long lived people?

Is there a significant family history of dysfunction, abuse, sexual abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, or criminality? How is he coping with it if so?

Were his parents happy together? If not, why not? If they are still together, do you like their relationship?

I don't think that there's any length of time after which you can suddenly be guaranteed a good marriage or that the other won't turn abusive.

I do think it is possible to know pretty early on if marriage is a good idea, assuming you can be emotionless enough to walk away from dealbreakers AND assuming both partners are being honest, practical and realistic about what they are after and why. I also don't think there is anything wrong with approaching marriage pragmatically like this but I do think most people would find it upsetting and off-putting.

I also don't think most people are capable of being this calculated about marriage especially early on when hope and limerance is high.

Remember there are no guarantees in life.

Finally, if you just recently met and the time limit is because he is from another country and needs to get married to stay, please do not marry him.
posted by windykites at 7:37 AM on May 19, 2018 [6 favorites]


The traditional mechanism for vetting partners in an arranged marriage would be to have your people talk to his people. Even if that's not the situation here, I think that's still a very useful line of investigation, in conjunction with many of the more couple-y suggestions above. Behavior and personality and character don't develop in a vacuum.

How do his parents and family get along? What are his relationships with his friends like, and do you like and respect the people he chooses to surround himself with? What do you know about his previous romantic relationship and how he handled them? How does what you hear from other people line up with what he's told you about himself and what you have observed of him?
posted by yeahlikethat at 7:40 AM on May 19, 2018 [5 favorites]


My husband and I did a Catholic marriage preparation course,* which included taking the Myers-Briggs, talking about finances and making a budget, talking about what an ideal weekend would look like (invite family over every Sunday? Introvert downtime? Sports?), kids were kind of assumed but we did discuss them, we talked about birth order, and scenarios like hating a meal the other person made.

It was actually helpful, particularly, in our case, learning that my husband despite being great with people is an off the charts introvert and I’m an extrovert. We’ve been married just about 24 years now.

I don’t know that the class would have helped without the love and attraction but it definitely gave us a heads up on what was going to be easier and what was possibly harder. You might want to find a book or a course outline and work through the non-religious parts.

* I almost got kicked out during the section on birth control/natural family planning so there’s that.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:46 AM on May 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


I learned a few decades ago from an encounter with a time share salesman that, when someone needs to have an answer right away, the answer should always be no. I don’t know if that applies here, but it is a life lesson I am willing to share.
posted by yclipse at 8:09 AM on May 19, 2018 [19 favorites]


I think that I would ask myself: who benefits most from this marriage?

A. This marriage is mutually beneficial in every way.
B. This marriage has the potential to benefit me much more than it will him.
C. This marriage has the potential to benefit him much more than it will me.

If the answer is 'C', I don't think it's possible for you to make a well-informed decision. A situation in which one person is highly motivated to behave perfectly makes it nearly impossible to divine true intentions.

Best of luck to you - this sounds very difficult.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 8:34 AM on May 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


Anecdote:

My friend (B) entered a marriage that was not exactly arranged, but followed South Asian courtship conventions. Both B and her intended (C) are from traditional families but were raised in North America. Both B and C were interested in marrying for keeps, but had to balance traditional expectations with their combined happiness as two married individuals who shared a mix of western and South Asian values.

In the next 45 days,

1) have him meet your best friends. The ones who know you and can sniff out incompatibilities. B made a point of having closest her white friends meet him, precisely because she knew we had a different perspective on her and on relationships than her cousins and sisters. C understood why we were meeting, because he valued B's friend's opinions on their compatibility. He valued and respected the meetings, because he wanted to be a good match with B, for B's sake. He didn't try to 'win' the conversations, and was able to speak honestly and without subtext. This is what won us over, as B was entering a family dynamic where she would lose power and C needed to be focused on her needs and happiness. C needed to be able to speak openly about uncomfortable social situations, because to marry him meant B would give up her family and connections. She would need his support and he would need to listen to her perspective and experiences.

2) go on a trip. B has camped precisely twice. And once was in this engagement period, taking C with her up to the mountains. She really wanted to make sure that when he was pushed outside his comfort zone that he would be kind, thoughtful, and flexible. It was important that C recognized how important this was to B, and did it willingly and happily to please her.

3) discuss the hard things. How will you deal with appeasing your families, if your families threaten the strength of your marriage or the happiness of either of you? How will you discipline kids? What if you can't have kids? What about competing professional priorities?

B and C have been successfully married for 6 years despite in-laws, crazy professional schedules, building a house, and two years of expensive and invasive infertility treatment. They have worked together to meet their families expectations while becoming a solid unit. They rely on each other for support and comfort. They make long-term plans to continue to be happy together in a way that is compatible with their culture.

Good luck.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 8:36 AM on May 19, 2018 [12 favorites]


Travel somewhere together, even if it's just a nearby city for a weekend. You can--if necessary--stay in different hotel rooms or even different hotels for propriety's sake (if that would be a concern). Travel stresses people out and it's helpful to know what someone is like when they're stressed and off-balance.

If you want to have kids, have as many conversations about child-raising as possible, both because that brings out strong emotions in people and because it's important information to know.

If at all possible, spend a lot of time with his parents and his siblings and his oldest friends. It helps to know where someone is coming from and what their standards are. For instance, if his dad is bad at communicating, gets angry at the drop of a hat, and fills a very traditional role in their family, then that will probably be the standard your guy measures himself against. Which means your guy may feel like he's working really hard and deserves major pats on the back simply for not blowing up at you all the time, cleaning up after himself, and doing the grocery shopping once in a while.
posted by colfax at 8:38 AM on May 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


I also came in to say talk to each others' exes. And if you think interviewing your current beau's exes over Skype sounds crazy, all I can say is: yes, but not as crazy as deciding to marry someone on a 45 day deadline.
posted by deludingmyself at 8:42 AM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


You need to be in high-stakes situations to asses how he handles a crisis. Do something he is unfamiliar/uncomfortable with but willing to try (rock climbing?)

My spouse-to-be and I really struggled to paddle a canoe down the Russian River together. So we decided it's a good pre-marital exercise.
posted by puddledork at 8:56 AM on May 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


Look for any signs of contempt either of you are already exhibiting. If you find them, you’re unlikely to to have a great marriage.
posted by greermahoney at 8:59 AM on May 19, 2018


I think this is doable but emotionally difficult as it will require you to take a leap of faith (personally I dated my now-husband for 8 years prior to engagement but my parents dated for about 3 months).

What kind of problem solvers are you? For example, I tend to solve problems by reviewing the research - books, articles, the internet - or (embarrasingly) by wholeheartedly avoiding/procrastinating. My husband solves problems by setting a time period for research and then picking something and STICKING to it. If I were you, I’d ask him to think about how he normally solves problems and to apply his method to the problem of “how do we get to know each other?” You do the same.
posted by samthemander at 8:59 AM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Update from the anon OP:
Thanks for the responses so far. I appreciate the diversity of your suggestions! No, it is not a pregnancy imposed marriage. I would be the primary beneficiary as WaspEnterprises puts it.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:20 AM on May 19, 2018


I married someone quickly. Very quickly, mostly for immigration reasons. We had been online friends for years though (back before tinder etc the old fashioned way in a computer game) & had visited each other a couple of times. But from first realization we liked each other as more than online friends to wedding day we spent a total of 70+ days in each others company, because of visas not by choice. We're still married 9 years later. Knowing you can't really get to know someone in that short a time we set some very definite guidelines on the marriage before going a head with it.

Strict Pre-Nups that protected us both financially.

We both promised to keep working on the marriage, it's not all been perfect, but we are both committed to taking marriage seriously. But as a side note, either partner could walk away at any time & the other wouldn't contest a divorce, this was easy as we had organised what would happen in the prenup.

We would talk about everything. really talk. We would work on this actively, listening to & being able to share with your partner was important to both of us, this took a LOT of work on both our parts as we were very private people. We had to talk about sex, about your dreams about anything and that's a scary thing to do with someone you don't really know, but it has to be something you both work toward doing even before you get married. We have seen a few counselors over the years, mainly to get tools to help with our different communication styles (this ties back to the working at the marriage rule).

Has our marriage been a happy little ray of sunshine every single day, of course not, was it the best decision I ever made, yes and there are lots of happy sunshine days. Each year we get closer & our marriage stronger. Which was the best surprise of all.

Oh and as a side note throw into the mix I had to move away from all my family, career & friends to be here & that we have a 17 year age difference (I am older than my husband) and I don't think anyone at the wedding actually thought we'd last 6 months. but here we are 9 years later better than ever.
posted by wwax at 9:37 AM on May 19, 2018 [5 favorites]


not going to scold you about your premise (I am intrigued though, tell us more if you can!)

I didn't see anyone suggest you meet his parents, and get a good look at how his mother gets treated by her husband [on edit: yes someone did say this, I see now. I'm saying it again!]

Have you traveled together? For me this was a huge illuminator (a positive one.) My guy was patient, flexible and positive when things went wrong; intellectually curious and engaged; and excited about the same things I was. Had the opposite been true I would have had to bail.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:59 AM on May 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


Go to IKEA together, get a large dresser with many drawers, and work together to assemble it. (I always thought that that should be a "date" on The Bachelor.)
posted by cider at 11:18 AM on May 19, 2018 [12 favorites]


Assuming you both have some basic competency in the kitchen (and if you don't, you should - take a class together!), cook together. My partner and I rent a house up the coast with our closest friends once or twice a year, and we take turns cooking the main meal of the day. It's illuminating to see the different cooking/communication styles - theirs works really well for them, but would drive me insane if I had to do the cooking with either one of them.
posted by rtha at 11:51 AM on May 19, 2018


what information do I need and how do I gain it in order to make the best decision on day 45?

You mentioned arranged marriage, which is a good starting point. What do those spouses typically know about each other? It's mostly cultural, right? Sue may not know Bob's favorite flavor of ice cream, but she knows where his family lives, she knows his background and religion, she knows (and probably shares) his cultural experiences and expectations. It's probably not accurate to say that any two people can make a marriage work—if Bob is a Texas magnate and Sue has always lived in rural China, then compatibility might be an issue—but if two people have roughly the same framework for communication and socialization, including their conception of marriage, then yeah, probably anybody can make it work.

If we start from that premise, then your next question ("how do I gain that info?") probably answers itself. Spend time with his family. If you aren't familiar with the places and culture where he's spent a lot of time, then immerse yourself. Maybe this means traveling to a foreign country. Maybe it just means exposing yourself to a workplace you're unfamiliar with. Get to know the places and people he's chosen (job, friends) and the ones he didn't (hometown, family).

Give him the same opportunities to get to know your life. Let him judge for himself, and let yourself judge his reactions. Watch him interact with your family. Does he feel comfortable? Do you?

I'm most afraid, in general, of being with a jealous, critical, or controlling man, but in my experience that takes more time than we have. There are also a few things about his lifestyle/personality that I'm not really into, and that I've broken up with previous partners for.

Yeah...that's a problem. It's not a "your marriage won't work!" kind of problem, but it's a "you'll need to adjust your expectations" problem. Those are individual-specific traits, and you're right that you can't learn them in 45 days. If it makes you feel better, you also can't "learn" them in 4 or 5 years, because these traits change. A controlling 25-year-old may mellow considerably by age 40, just as a laid-back twentysomething can grow jealous and bitter over time. You'll change, too, in both traits and expectations.

If he turns out to be jealous, critical, or controlling, what will you do? Can you invest the emotional labor into helping him to change, assuming he wants to? If not, will you be able to change yourself, to accept or ignore those traits?

I agree that the best advice includes figuring out what your exit plan would be. Nobody's saying you'll need to use it, or encouraging you to—but at least one exit exists (it always does), and it behooves you to know what it looks like. Don't walk into a room without knowing you how'd leave.
posted by cribcage at 12:23 PM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Marry a person who has faults you can live with, BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE WITH THEM.

What are the absolute worst things about him. The most negative points you can think of.
  • Does he lick his finger before he turns the page in a magazine?
  • Does he cash his paycheck in a casino so he can buy chips?
  • Does he make a weird clicking noise between words?
  • Does he associate drinking alcohol with EVERY activity?
  • Are there people in his life that he has broken with entirely, so that they no longer speak or meet?
  • Does he complain about people that he interacted with, considering them to be "jerks" or "a**holes"?
  • Does he casually ignore social norms, like "Do Not Walk On Grass"?
  • Does he sing along with the radio in the car? In general, the way he treats his mother will be the way he treats his wife.

posted by ohshenandoah at 12:48 PM on May 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


has anyone said bank accounts yet?

Like, sit down and get out the paperwork about who's got what money and where it is and how it's managed and what it's intended for and how it's spent. Go over it. Whatever happens will be illuminating.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:17 PM on May 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Coming from someone who got married after 3 months and has never for a second regretted it:
Don't do it.

It would be one thing if this guy was everything you'd ever hoped for, but you are already saying things like: "here are also a few things about his lifestyle/personality that I'm not really into, and that I've broken up with previous partners for."
Don't do it.

Plus, this is an external deadline, and otherwise you wouldn't choose to marry this quickly?
Don't do it.
posted by thereader at 3:08 PM on May 19, 2018 [5 favorites]


My question is not whether I should marry him or not; my question is what information do I need and how do I gain it in order to make the best decision on day 45?

Why don't you also need to convince him he wants to marry you, or help him get to know you well enough to make the decision that fast?

totally reasonable if you do and you're just not putting that half of the question out for advice because you don't want advice or input on that side of it. but I'm bringing it up because it sort of sounds like his decision has been made, and you're the only one who still has to produce a yes or a no. and that leads me to believe that whatever the reason for the externally imposed time constraints, he is the one who will gain something practical by marrying that soon, not you. something that apparently doesn't weigh with you as a deciding factor on the side of marrying him the way it does with him.

so I guess that's my answer. some of the information you need is: whatever he's gaining by marrying you this fast, does he want it for itself or does he mainly want it as a means to the end of being with you? You talk about good choice of partners being separate from love; does he love you and/or agree that it's not what's most important? Do you care whether or not he loves you? do you need to believe that if he doesn't yet, he will someday?

and: do you really just have to decide on day 45, or do you also have to do it? like, why not decide on day 45 that yes, you want to marry him, and the wedding will be in two years? can you do that, and if not why not? it's a real commitment if you take it seriously, but breaking an engagement is easier than getting a divorce.

and: if you decide not to marry him on this timeframe, what happens? if the time pressure's not coming from him, as you say, why not say: No, the marriage window closes today so we can't get married, it's too soon. and I don't want to break up with you, I'm happy with you. what does he do in response? if not being married means he can't stay in the same physical location with you for a while, that doesn't also require breaking up unless one of you insists that it does. so, who might insist that and why?
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:57 PM on May 19, 2018


Here is something that Mike Nichols said when commenting on Paul Simon's short marriage to Carrie Fischer. "Some people are flowers, and some are gardeners. The easiest marriage is between a flower and a gardener. Two gardeners can make it work, but two flowers can't."

Not quoted precisely, but you get the point.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:16 PM on May 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


Look at his mother or maternal figures in his life: this is the lens through which he sees you.
Look at his father or paternal figures in his life: this is the lens through which he sees himself.
Can you live with that?

How does he react to the maternal and paternal figures in your life? How does he react to friends and siblings who are already married? What are his comments and criticisms?
How does he interact with children and animals? Disturbing behavior around those who are considered weaker is a tell.
Ditto how he behaves around restaurant staff, taxi drivers, other drivers on busy highways, sales associates, etc.

Personally I have mentioned repeatedly to my daughters that my husband and I had a year and a day between the engagement and the marriage (actually more than that). Enough time to see each other through the seasons and pick up on any differences that needed acknowledging. I highly recommend that strategy. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, then it was a learning experience.

Marry in haste, repent in leisure is a well-known phrase for a reason.
posted by TrishaU at 11:07 PM on May 19, 2018


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