Revisiting a decision about a family secret
May 18, 2018 8:12 PM Subscribe
This was my question seven years ago, about divulging to my dad that his recently-deceased mother had made a deathbed confession about having had a child and given it up for adoption as a very young woman. I’m revisiting my decision not to tell him, and seek perspectives.
The decision I made: At the time, I acquiesced to my brother’s insistence that our dad not be told. Brother’s reason was that Dad was a depressive alcoholic who would brood, and that the news would only upset him. My counterargument was that we all deserve to know the truth about our lives, and that knowing this might shed some light on a mother our dad always found distant and enigmatic.
Reason for the decision: I acquiesced for a few reasons. One, Brother was right about our dad being an alcoholic depressive apt to brood. Two, our dad had cut himself off from all family ties other than his two kids, so he couldn’t possibly hear this information from anyone unless we chose to tell him. Also, at the time, I knew a fight was coming between Brother and myself about who would care for Dad in his old age. If I were to ignore Brother’s wishes here, he would use it to say I should be in charge. [Our mother had asked that I care for her in her old age, and I flatly refuse to take on the responsibility of both parents. Our mother raised me and our dad raised my brother. Two years ago, my brother agreed to assume responsibility for our dad’s old age, after insisting that I take it.] So there was some pragmatism and expediency in my decision to adhere to Brother’s wishes to keep this from Dad.
Things have changed since that decision. Dad has stopped drinking. His depression has therefore somewhat receded. He’s still very apt to brood but has a perspective on life that wasn’t available to him when he was always in the bottle. He’s lonely and tends to fixate on slights and his memory isn’t great, though pretty good for an old man with his drinking history.
Why this is coming up again now: Dad’s brother, from whom he’s long been estranged, and who knows about the adopted child, is asking to visit him, increasing the possibility of Dad hearing about this. I can certainly ask my uncle not to mention it, but that’s a leaky situation. Also, Dad’s 82 and his ability to hear, understand, and consider this information is time-limited, if he’s to hear it at all. And I do think he has a right to know.
Other factors:
1. The adopted child – the half-brother - is dead; he died a few years before my previous ask.me question. I know quite a bit about his life (he was adopted by a famous woman, and I met with her biographer) so I’m able to answer questions my dad may have (I know he’d ask). But that’s not the same as knowing him.
2. My brother and I are able to deal with each other fairly well but we don’t get along and there’s a huge amount of mistrust and dislike between us for reasons that I won’t bother going into. I will ask him, but am sure that he still doesn’t want Dad told.
2a. If I were to tell Dad against Brother’s wishes, that could lead to some serious shit between us. Brother is capable of asserting that if I tell Dad, I’m trumping his authority and therefore must assume Dad’s care.
2b. Emotional fallout from Brother’s decisions re Dad’s care tends to fall on me anyway, and I can take that on plus emotional fallout from Dad hearing about his mother's first child, but that's all I'm willing to take on.
2c. Brother and I will have to deal with each other for years. Our stepfather has designated Brother certain financial powers for himself and our mother, while my mother has designated that all decisions re her care be left to me. So I don’t really want to antagonize Brother any more than I can; we’ll have to work together to ensure those parents’ comfort.
3. What were my grandmother’s intentions on divulging this at the age of 102? My cousin and I aren't sure. Did she want her sons to know, even though she never told them? The cousin to whom she made the deathbed confession said Grandma did tell her husband, who also never told their sons.
Am spinning around, unable to get a grip on the right thing to do.
The decision I made: At the time, I acquiesced to my brother’s insistence that our dad not be told. Brother’s reason was that Dad was a depressive alcoholic who would brood, and that the news would only upset him. My counterargument was that we all deserve to know the truth about our lives, and that knowing this might shed some light on a mother our dad always found distant and enigmatic.
Reason for the decision: I acquiesced for a few reasons. One, Brother was right about our dad being an alcoholic depressive apt to brood. Two, our dad had cut himself off from all family ties other than his two kids, so he couldn’t possibly hear this information from anyone unless we chose to tell him. Also, at the time, I knew a fight was coming between Brother and myself about who would care for Dad in his old age. If I were to ignore Brother’s wishes here, he would use it to say I should be in charge. [Our mother had asked that I care for her in her old age, and I flatly refuse to take on the responsibility of both parents. Our mother raised me and our dad raised my brother. Two years ago, my brother agreed to assume responsibility for our dad’s old age, after insisting that I take it.] So there was some pragmatism and expediency in my decision to adhere to Brother’s wishes to keep this from Dad.
Things have changed since that decision. Dad has stopped drinking. His depression has therefore somewhat receded. He’s still very apt to brood but has a perspective on life that wasn’t available to him when he was always in the bottle. He’s lonely and tends to fixate on slights and his memory isn’t great, though pretty good for an old man with his drinking history.
Why this is coming up again now: Dad’s brother, from whom he’s long been estranged, and who knows about the adopted child, is asking to visit him, increasing the possibility of Dad hearing about this. I can certainly ask my uncle not to mention it, but that’s a leaky situation. Also, Dad’s 82 and his ability to hear, understand, and consider this information is time-limited, if he’s to hear it at all. And I do think he has a right to know.
Other factors:
1. The adopted child – the half-brother - is dead; he died a few years before my previous ask.me question. I know quite a bit about his life (he was adopted by a famous woman, and I met with her biographer) so I’m able to answer questions my dad may have (I know he’d ask). But that’s not the same as knowing him.
2. My brother and I are able to deal with each other fairly well but we don’t get along and there’s a huge amount of mistrust and dislike between us for reasons that I won’t bother going into. I will ask him, but am sure that he still doesn’t want Dad told.
2a. If I were to tell Dad against Brother’s wishes, that could lead to some serious shit between us. Brother is capable of asserting that if I tell Dad, I’m trumping his authority and therefore must assume Dad’s care.
2b. Emotional fallout from Brother’s decisions re Dad’s care tends to fall on me anyway, and I can take that on plus emotional fallout from Dad hearing about his mother's first child, but that's all I'm willing to take on.
2c. Brother and I will have to deal with each other for years. Our stepfather has designated Brother certain financial powers for himself and our mother, while my mother has designated that all decisions re her care be left to me. So I don’t really want to antagonize Brother any more than I can; we’ll have to work together to ensure those parents’ comfort.
3. What were my grandmother’s intentions on divulging this at the age of 102? My cousin and I aren't sure. Did she want her sons to know, even though she never told them? The cousin to whom she made the deathbed confession said Grandma did tell her husband, who also never told their sons.
Am spinning around, unable to get a grip on the right thing to do.
I don’t see how telling him would serve him. It was her secret to tell, and she didn’t. I live with a family secret that would likely wreck half my family, but also maybe help some people. But it’s not my secret to tell. It’s hard being the secret-keeper. It doesn’t seem fair to carry the weight. Just remember that it’s not your decision. The decision was made by your grandmother every day of her life. Respect it.
posted by greermahoney at 8:59 PM on May 18, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by greermahoney at 8:59 PM on May 18, 2018 [6 favorites]
If the half brother were still alive (so that they could possibly have a relationship if they both wanted) and if your father was younger/in better health, a compelling argument could be made to go ahead and tell him, even though it seems like this is something his mother wanted to keep secret. But the half-brother is long dead, and I think the downsides of telling your father this secret far outweigh any potential positive outcomes. (Frankly, it's hard to see much of anything positive coming out of sharing this info.)
I wouldn't tell. Whatever your grandmother's intentions might have been in revealing this on her deathbed, no one can really say, and I just don't think it's in anyone's best interest to share this.
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:09 PM on May 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
I wouldn't tell. Whatever your grandmother's intentions might have been in revealing this on her deathbed, no one can really say, and I just don't think it's in anyone's best interest to share this.
posted by litera scripta manet at 9:09 PM on May 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
Even in your post, you indicate wanting to tell your father, while providing no positive potential impacts from telling him - only negative impacts.
I think you are battling the imp of the perverse. This is a normal thing that happens to people. you recognize that making Decision X would be bad, but Decision X represents so much sheer power that it’s tempting nonetheless. it’s a way to create change in a mediocre situation, even if the change is bad.
I recommend that you recognize this for what it is. Decide if you believe it’s worth keeping a secret. If you decide not to tell, tread very cautiously so as to not put yourself in a situation where you blurt this out against your own best wishes.
posted by samthemander at 10:42 PM on May 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think you are battling the imp of the perverse. This is a normal thing that happens to people. you recognize that making Decision X would be bad, but Decision X represents so much sheer power that it’s tempting nonetheless. it’s a way to create change in a mediocre situation, even if the change is bad.
I recommend that you recognize this for what it is. Decide if you believe it’s worth keeping a secret. If you decide not to tell, tread very cautiously so as to not put yourself in a situation where you blurt this out against your own best wishes.
posted by samthemander at 10:42 PM on May 18, 2018 [3 favorites]
You can't do anything about your dad's brother saying anything: he could have found out from your cousin.
posted by scruss at 12:57 AM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by scruss at 12:57 AM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Keeping this a secret is disrespecting your father. The time to tell him is long past, but better late than never.
posted by GeeEmm at 1:21 AM on May 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by GeeEmm at 1:21 AM on May 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
So I don’t really want to antagonize Brother any more than I can
I feel like you have very good reasons for wanting this - so why are you contemplating doing something that is guaranteed to antagonise him??? Indeed, that is likely going to be the only outcome, except it may possibly make your dad more depressed (would it trigger a drinking relapse? Who knows?).
Pragmatically speaking here, there is all downside and not even a sliver of an upside.
Ethically speaking, I think people could differ here - but consider that the kid's mother chose not to tell anyone until she was dying, including her own son, so why would your right as niece, trump her right as mother to decide not to tell?
I feel like you're playing with fire here, and it's because in your position, you'd want to know. But you are not your dad, or his mum. Doing what you think of as "the right thing" could be something that haunts you for years. He got through 80 years without knowing, he'll be okay for another few.
We have secrets in our family, too, but airing those out - with the emotional trainwrecks that will follow - is not worth it for the rather more nebulous value of 'the truth'.
posted by smoke at 2:03 AM on May 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
I feel like you have very good reasons for wanting this - so why are you contemplating doing something that is guaranteed to antagonise him??? Indeed, that is likely going to be the only outcome, except it may possibly make your dad more depressed (would it trigger a drinking relapse? Who knows?).
Pragmatically speaking here, there is all downside and not even a sliver of an upside.
Ethically speaking, I think people could differ here - but consider that the kid's mother chose not to tell anyone until she was dying, including her own son, so why would your right as niece, trump her right as mother to decide not to tell?
I feel like you're playing with fire here, and it's because in your position, you'd want to know. But you are not your dad, or his mum. Doing what you think of as "the right thing" could be something that haunts you for years. He got through 80 years without knowing, he'll be okay for another few.
We have secrets in our family, too, but airing those out - with the emotional trainwrecks that will follow - is not worth it for the rather more nebulous value of 'the truth'.
posted by smoke at 2:03 AM on May 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
I agree with you, I think your father has a right to know. It could fill in some blanks in his history that no one else is even aware exist. It’s his life, not yours and your brother’s, and frankly, any fallout on the rest of you should have no bearing on your father’s right to know the truth. Treating him like a child by deciding what he gets to know about his own life is disrespectful.
And as far as this:
2a. Brother is capable of asserting that if I tell Dad, I’m trumping his authority and therefore must assume Dad’s care.
Brother can assert all he wants, but he can’t force you to do anything. Your brother’s “authority” doesn’t include the right to force other people to lie by omission, nor does he have any legal means to force you to care for your dad.
My paternal grandmother hinted that the man we knew as our grandfather was not our biological grandfather, but she never actually confirmed it and gave us nothing but a nickname. My father died not knowing if the man he knew as his father really was or not. Through genetic testing, my brother and I confirmed that it’s true (due to an entirely different ethnicity that pops up in our otherwise strictly Ashkenazi Jewish genes, which is exactly what Grandma said it would be), but we know nothing about him other than his ethnic background. No matches show up on 23andMe, we have no medical history, nothing. Sometimes that’s just the way life is, but if I found out someone had information and decided “for my own good” that I didn’t need to know, I would be absolutely furious.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:18 AM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
And as far as this:
2a. Brother is capable of asserting that if I tell Dad, I’m trumping his authority and therefore must assume Dad’s care.
Brother can assert all he wants, but he can’t force you to do anything. Your brother’s “authority” doesn’t include the right to force other people to lie by omission, nor does he have any legal means to force you to care for your dad.
My paternal grandmother hinted that the man we knew as our grandfather was not our biological grandfather, but she never actually confirmed it and gave us nothing but a nickname. My father died not knowing if the man he knew as his father really was or not. Through genetic testing, my brother and I confirmed that it’s true (due to an entirely different ethnicity that pops up in our otherwise strictly Ashkenazi Jewish genes, which is exactly what Grandma said it would be), but we know nothing about him other than his ethnic background. No matches show up on 23andMe, we have no medical history, nothing. Sometimes that’s just the way life is, but if I found out someone had information and decided “for my own good” that I didn’t need to know, I would be absolutely furious.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:18 AM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I would tell and probably would have told years ago. Personal experience: I learned my mother had a child ~15 years before I was born and gave him up for adoption. She never told anyone, not even on her death bed. But my half brother did research, found me, and we've been in touch. It's been nothing but good to have this information about my mother. It helped me understand her life better.
posted by Nelson at 9:52 AM on May 19, 2018
posted by Nelson at 9:52 AM on May 19, 2018
I have a secret half-brother and learned of his existence when I was ten--it slipped out in an awkward way from my sibling, who assumed I knew. The sense of betrayal at being the last to know was . . . deep. The knowledge offered closure and context, even though my dad was already dead by this time and I've never really had a relationship with this half-brother. I think you should tell him. I find the secret-keeping here paternalistic and, yes, disrespectful. I wouldn't even ask your brother. Just tell your dad.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:40 PM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:40 PM on May 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't see any good coming from this other than you aren't sitting on the secret any more. It sounds like it WILL cause a battle royale with your brother for years on end that really, really doesn't sound worth it to me, especially if the half brother is dead. He can't benefit any more.
If this secret is killing you inside and you are dying, BURSTING TO TELL I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE IT MUST COME OUT, then well, I guess that's more important to you than not fighting with your brother, but...I don't think it's worth it to tell.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:21 PM on May 19, 2018
If this secret is killing you inside and you are dying, BURSTING TO TELL I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE IT MUST COME OUT, then well, I guess that's more important to you than not fighting with your brother, but...I don't think it's worth it to tell.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:21 PM on May 19, 2018
I agree 100% with metahawk's analysis. It's not clear how much benefit your father would get (if any) from knowing this, but it seems clear that the cost in terms of familial strife could be quite high indeed. Also, if you just stay out of it with your uncle, there's a chance that he might tell of his own accord and then you get to have your cake and eat it too.
I vote to let sleeping dogs lie on this one.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:32 AM on May 20, 2018
I vote to let sleeping dogs lie on this one.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:32 AM on May 20, 2018
I think this would only hurt your dad. I understand the perspective of "he has the right to know" and if this were 20 years ago - yes. But at his age, and the fact that the brother has passed, I don't think this benefits ANYONE.
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 12:53 PM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 12:53 PM on June 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I vote for not telling.
I would not get involved with uncle telling or not telling - if someone wants to tell him not to talk about, let that be your brother's job. If your uncle does tell, that is on him, not on you and you will still be there to help your father process the information if it comes out.
posted by metahawk at 8:22 PM on May 18, 2018 [17 favorites]