This Sandwich Needs Something
May 15, 2018 1:57 AM Subscribe
I have a toddler and a parent that is starting to require more care, management, and accommodation. I don't think I'm prepared for this.
My mother is loving in her own way, but also emotionally immature and gamey and has put her neediness on me my entire remembered life. She didn't and doesn't have good boundaries. I would describe my feelings toward her as ambivalent on a good day, resentful on a bad day.
She is starting to require more care due to multiple medical problems. I work full-time and can't throw much money at this problem, nor can I easily take the day off for Reasons. I see my toddler about 2-3 hours before he goes to bed. I try to take my mom out to eat some on weekends. That's getting harder as she has mobility issues and I have a son who will dart into traffic if I don't hold him.
I am having a hard time not feeling disgusted by her increasing needs. Then I feel guilty for feeling like that. I get long, winding texts about how her symptoms are changing, requests to help with very undignified things, but I also get things I've said in the past thrown back in my face. She has always been manipulative and will shoot out dramatic hooks to see if she can make drama, while denying that as a motivation. It is mostly unconscious, all of the crap that makes me hate this caregiving role, but it had a huge impact and I am left feeling angry that she needs from me. She provided practically for me, but I was also suffocated growing up, and put upon to make her feelings more important than mine, and I'm just not feeling very loving or generous, because I feel that my entire life I've had to take care of her. She never really got beyond herself to take care of me. So I just feel sucked dry, and not interested in helping her, but I'm the only family close by.
She talked about moving to be closer when I had the baby, to help with the baby. I had a meltdown when she brought it up, because I was imagining this exact scenario of a needy toddler and a needy parent and my limited ability to help due to being very time poor, and my baggage with her. She lived with my sister a few years who helped her, has more time, but their relationship is also not great. Lots of drama.
My spouse is doing some of the emotional labor which I appreciate. But most of the grunt work falls to me, and I am very unprepared. I can't call her various doctors offices to advocate for her to get appointments scheduled. I can ask her to please not play around with her medication without talking to her doctors, but she is stubborn and thinks she knows everything and is trying to not be a needy patient with her medical team. I can try to find a weekly housekeeper. I can continue to remind her that she promised to enroll in a medical alert notification system. I can continue to advocate for myself by capitalizing on her desire to remain independent. But there are still things she needs, and I really can't stand doing these things for her.
I mean, I took her out for mother's day, she had some health issues develop, I asked what she needed, she said she needed a sip of water. So I handed her my water bottle. And I was feeling totally grossed out at the idea of sharing a drinking bottle with her. My own mother.
So I'm looking for suggestions of resources about helping parents when you feel ambivalent, as well as mental tricks I can use to help me not hate this so much. I left out a lot of the history, so just assume that my disgust and revulsion come from a valid place. I am too time poor for therapy. If you know of anything practical that can help, curious about that as well.
My mother is loving in her own way, but also emotionally immature and gamey and has put her neediness on me my entire remembered life. She didn't and doesn't have good boundaries. I would describe my feelings toward her as ambivalent on a good day, resentful on a bad day.
She is starting to require more care due to multiple medical problems. I work full-time and can't throw much money at this problem, nor can I easily take the day off for Reasons. I see my toddler about 2-3 hours before he goes to bed. I try to take my mom out to eat some on weekends. That's getting harder as she has mobility issues and I have a son who will dart into traffic if I don't hold him.
I am having a hard time not feeling disgusted by her increasing needs. Then I feel guilty for feeling like that. I get long, winding texts about how her symptoms are changing, requests to help with very undignified things, but I also get things I've said in the past thrown back in my face. She has always been manipulative and will shoot out dramatic hooks to see if she can make drama, while denying that as a motivation. It is mostly unconscious, all of the crap that makes me hate this caregiving role, but it had a huge impact and I am left feeling angry that she needs from me. She provided practically for me, but I was also suffocated growing up, and put upon to make her feelings more important than mine, and I'm just not feeling very loving or generous, because I feel that my entire life I've had to take care of her. She never really got beyond herself to take care of me. So I just feel sucked dry, and not interested in helping her, but I'm the only family close by.
She talked about moving to be closer when I had the baby, to help with the baby. I had a meltdown when she brought it up, because I was imagining this exact scenario of a needy toddler and a needy parent and my limited ability to help due to being very time poor, and my baggage with her. She lived with my sister a few years who helped her, has more time, but their relationship is also not great. Lots of drama.
My spouse is doing some of the emotional labor which I appreciate. But most of the grunt work falls to me, and I am very unprepared. I can't call her various doctors offices to advocate for her to get appointments scheduled. I can ask her to please not play around with her medication without talking to her doctors, but she is stubborn and thinks she knows everything and is trying to not be a needy patient with her medical team. I can try to find a weekly housekeeper. I can continue to remind her that she promised to enroll in a medical alert notification system. I can continue to advocate for myself by capitalizing on her desire to remain independent. But there are still things she needs, and I really can't stand doing these things for her.
I mean, I took her out for mother's day, she had some health issues develop, I asked what she needed, she said she needed a sip of water. So I handed her my water bottle. And I was feeling totally grossed out at the idea of sharing a drinking bottle with her. My own mother.
So I'm looking for suggestions of resources about helping parents when you feel ambivalent, as well as mental tricks I can use to help me not hate this so much. I left out a lot of the history, so just assume that my disgust and revulsion come from a valid place. I am too time poor for therapy. If you know of anything practical that can help, curious about that as well.
It doesn't sound possible for you to take care of your mother at all right now. You can't socialize with her outside the home without another able-bodied adult and you dislike her so much you resent giving her a sip of water. It's better to do nothing than to do this.
In my family, elderly people travel around to the family member who has resources at the time. This changes every few years. It sounds like right now it is your sister. Maybe in a few years when your toddler is in school it will be you, if thinking that makes you feel less guilty, but maybe not. Your mom made choices through her life that made neither of her children inclined to care for her, and that's on her, not you.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 2:39 AM on May 15, 2018 [6 favorites]
In my family, elderly people travel around to the family member who has resources at the time. This changes every few years. It sounds like right now it is your sister. Maybe in a few years when your toddler is in school it will be you, if thinking that makes you feel less guilty, but maybe not. Your mom made choices through her life that made neither of her children inclined to care for her, and that's on her, not you.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 2:39 AM on May 15, 2018 [6 favorites]
It's okay if you want to establish some boundaries with her - the way you describe it, it does sound likely that she isn't taking care of her own needs purposefully in order to get you to do it for her. She enjoys the drama and attention. If she is capable of sending you long elaborate texts detailing her medical issues, she is capable of booking her own damn appointments, and advocating for herself. She doesn't want to be a needy patient? Too bad. She doesn't have any problem being a needy mother, does she? You need to sit down and figure out what parts of her demands are things she actually genuinely needs help with, and what are things she could do herself, but is just refusing to in order to get you to run after her. Once you've got a list of things you will do, and things she will have to do for herself, then start pushing back - she says "make me an appointment" you say, "hey, you've got your phone right there, give them a call" She sends you a text detailing her medical complaints? text back "great, I'll forward this to your doctor's office"
It's ok to say no. it's ok to get off the phone if she's manipulating you. Sure, she'll hate it, but as long as you are consistent, she will learn that those tactics aren't going to work with you anymore, and hopefully learn to be a bit more self sufficient. She is an adult, and you have a kid who totally does need your help and support.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:36 AM on May 15, 2018 [2 favorites]
It's ok to say no. it's ok to get off the phone if she's manipulating you. Sure, she'll hate it, but as long as you are consistent, she will learn that those tactics aren't going to work with you anymore, and hopefully learn to be a bit more self sufficient. She is an adult, and you have a kid who totally does need your help and support.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 3:36 AM on May 15, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you feel like you're stuck in a situation where you have to choose between your child and your parent, choose your child every time. There are no limits to love, but there are limits to the amount of support that any one person can provide. If you're at your limit, you will have to make some painful choices. They're not difficult ones—choose your child, end of story—but they're still painful. My sympathies, this is a hard situation to be in.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:10 AM on May 15, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:10 AM on May 15, 2018 [8 favorites]
Choose your child and your marriage. But if you do stay in the caregiver role, have her sign a medical proxy form so you can talk with her doctors about her physical condition and about her mental state, noncompliance with doctors orders, mismanagement of meds, etc. And so you can understand what kinds of paraprofessional care is covered/available to her - check-in phone calls, nursing assistant home visits, transportation to appointments, etc. And most importantly, so they can connect you with resources/supports that can help you manage your relationship and the stress of caregiving. There is help for people stuck in sandwich situations. You are not as stuck as you think you are - you *can* just say no - but if you do choose to continue, you don't have to do it alone.
posted by headnsouth at 5:02 AM on May 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 5:02 AM on May 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
Please read the Bill of Assertive Rights. Remember that "No" is a complete sentence and you have a right to draw your own boundaries, even simple ones like not sharing your water.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:40 AM on May 15, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:40 AM on May 15, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I feel you so so so hard. I have a similar relationship with my parents and I live in fear of the day I will be called on to provide this kind of care for them. Everything you said absolutely makes sense. It is exactly the way I would feel. I've begun to work on this in therapy, and I can tell you what my therapist said: "They don't like boundaries. That's THEM. It
sets you up to feel overly responsible for them, but once you are aware, how THEY feel need not have any bearing on how you feel about boundaries."
So, yeah, decide how much contact and care you are willing to provide, and I STRONGLY suggest you pick a level that makes you happy and not resentful. You can maybe see your mother once a week and spend 30 minutes of your own time per week to help her make any phone calls she can't do by herself. The end. This is a way to protect yourself as a person, yes, but it's also the only way to protect the threadbare relationship you have with your mom. If you do more than you want to, you're either going to blow up and lose the relationship entirely, or you're going to blow inward and lose yourself. Both would be tragedies. Cut loose of your mother's emotional clutches, and remind yourself that you both are two separate adults living in your own separate skins (how's that for a boundary!) which means you both are responsible for your own selves. Take care. You got this.
posted by MiraK at 6:28 AM on May 15, 2018 [7 favorites]
sets you up to feel overly responsible for them, but once you are aware, how THEY feel need not have any bearing on how you feel about boundaries."
So, yeah, decide how much contact and care you are willing to provide, and I STRONGLY suggest you pick a level that makes you happy and not resentful. You can maybe see your mother once a week and spend 30 minutes of your own time per week to help her make any phone calls she can't do by herself. The end. This is a way to protect yourself as a person, yes, but it's also the only way to protect the threadbare relationship you have with your mom. If you do more than you want to, you're either going to blow up and lose the relationship entirely, or you're going to blow inward and lose yourself. Both would be tragedies. Cut loose of your mother's emotional clutches, and remind yourself that you both are two separate adults living in your own separate skins (how's that for a boundary!) which means you both are responsible for your own selves. Take care. You got this.
posted by MiraK at 6:28 AM on May 15, 2018 [7 favorites]
Your mom sounds EXACTLY like my mom. I limit contact because having to deal with her really has a negative impact on my mental health.
You have my permission to ONLY do what you are OK with doing. Even if that is nothing at all. She is an adult, she can figure it out. Or not. Either way, you do not owe her anything.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:47 AM on May 15, 2018
You have my permission to ONLY do what you are OK with doing. Even if that is nothing at all. She is an adult, she can figure it out. Or not. Either way, you do not owe her anything.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:47 AM on May 15, 2018
Being grossed out by her sounds like your resistance showing. Set up a schedule. For example, visit her every(other?) week for 3 hours. The schedule should reflect how much time you can actually do this, not what she wants. Bring her some healthy food, spend that time reviewing her meds, checking that her living space is safe, watching a movie with her, whatever. When the time is up, give her a hug and go. Maybe spend 1 hour a week making calls on her behalf. Having a schedule makes it easier to enforce boundaries. Gotta go, I'm meeting toddler and spouse at the park. Maybe spend some time during the week making calls, but, again, a defined amount of time.
You're being good to someone who is difficult and probably not so nice, and who certainly pushes your buttons. It's hard work. Reward yourself. Maybe leave Mom's and get a gelato, schedule a manicure or massage sometimes, put 100 in a special account towards taking your spouse away for a weekend. When you leave Mom's, decompress. Tell yourself, out loud, I'm taking care of Mom as well as I can and now it's time to take care of my family. I'm a terrific daughter.
With manipulative people, like my own Mom, I withdraw from any drama, and I use a lot of distraction. Several of my siblings were visiting her and my Mom was gearing up for a tirade/ tantrum/ drama. I interrupted to ask what she planned to do for drapes in her new place. My siblings looked at me as if I had gone mad, but Mom started talking about drapes and the drama was delayed.
Take some of your time with her to get her to talk about her parents, her life as a young woman. She may have stories to tell. People can get old and get in to bad habits, and finding the good parts of her helps the time with her possible.
posted by theora55 at 7:27 AM on May 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
You're being good to someone who is difficult and probably not so nice, and who certainly pushes your buttons. It's hard work. Reward yourself. Maybe leave Mom's and get a gelato, schedule a manicure or massage sometimes, put 100 in a special account towards taking your spouse away for a weekend. When you leave Mom's, decompress. Tell yourself, out loud, I'm taking care of Mom as well as I can and now it's time to take care of my family. I'm a terrific daughter.
With manipulative people, like my own Mom, I withdraw from any drama, and I use a lot of distraction. Several of my siblings were visiting her and my Mom was gearing up for a tirade/ tantrum/ drama. I interrupted to ask what she planned to do for drapes in her new place. My siblings looked at me as if I had gone mad, but Mom started talking about drapes and the drama was delayed.
Take some of your time with her to get her to talk about her parents, her life as a young woman. She may have stories to tell. People can get old and get in to bad habits, and finding the good parts of her helps the time with her possible.
posted by theora55 at 7:27 AM on May 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
I just want to say I understand your feelings very much. My mother was emotionally unstable and emotionally and sometimes physically abusive during my childhood. The entire family dynamic was ruled by trying to keep her on an even keel and catering to her temper tantrums, controlling nature, and depression.
She got a little more stable as my sister and I grew up but she continues to be a incredibly difficult person - manipulative, controlling, mean, overbearing. I did seven years of therapy mostly revolving around my childhood and my issues with my mom that allowed me to have a lot of distance from her and see her without angry fighting occurring.
Then in 2016 my father got incredibly sick, my mom's behavior around that was appalling and all my carefully won equilibrium went out the window. Since then I've been trying to gracefully dead with my father's illness, as well as my mother's neediness and her physical failings (complete hip replacement in February) and her increasing dependence on me, and not feel like the worst person in the world about how incredibly resentful I am every time she asks for too much (which is really, really often because she always escalates.)
I just really really sympathize with you.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:21 AM on May 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
She got a little more stable as my sister and I grew up but she continues to be a incredibly difficult person - manipulative, controlling, mean, overbearing. I did seven years of therapy mostly revolving around my childhood and my issues with my mom that allowed me to have a lot of distance from her and see her without angry fighting occurring.
Then in 2016 my father got incredibly sick, my mom's behavior around that was appalling and all my carefully won equilibrium went out the window. Since then I've been trying to gracefully dead with my father's illness, as well as my mother's neediness and her physical failings (complete hip replacement in February) and her increasing dependence on me, and not feel like the worst person in the world about how incredibly resentful I am every time she asks for too much (which is really, really often because she always escalates.)
I just really really sympathize with you.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:21 AM on May 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I can't call her various doctors offices to advocate for her to get appointments scheduled.
It's this sort of thing where it's like: Imagine saying this about a sibling or a friend instead of a parent. Yes, you know that she really should go to these doctor's appointments. But she's your mom and she's an adult and unless you think she's genuinely not mentally competent to care for herself, in which case she needs a full-time caregiver that isn't you, then... part of the decisions she gets to make for her life is whether to take care of herself.
I could have kept my dad alive a few years longer by making him my full-time job once he stopped wanting to take care of himself. But doing that would have wrecked the rest of my life, in exchange for a couple more years that he did not, at the end of the day, really want. If she wants it, let her do what she needs to do to get it. You don't need to be the one to find resources for her unless she's demonstrated that she's actually incapable of making her own phone calls--the fact that she doesn't doesn't mean that she can't. If she asks for help in doing stuff for herself, offer to help with that where you have energy to do so, but don't keep parenting a parent who doesn't actually need it. The fact that she might make choices that make her life noticeably worse is not actually your problem to solve.
posted by Sequence at 10:09 AM on May 15, 2018 [5 favorites]
It's this sort of thing where it's like: Imagine saying this about a sibling or a friend instead of a parent. Yes, you know that she really should go to these doctor's appointments. But she's your mom and she's an adult and unless you think she's genuinely not mentally competent to care for herself, in which case she needs a full-time caregiver that isn't you, then... part of the decisions she gets to make for her life is whether to take care of herself.
I could have kept my dad alive a few years longer by making him my full-time job once he stopped wanting to take care of himself. But doing that would have wrecked the rest of my life, in exchange for a couple more years that he did not, at the end of the day, really want. If she wants it, let her do what she needs to do to get it. You don't need to be the one to find resources for her unless she's demonstrated that she's actually incapable of making her own phone calls--the fact that she doesn't doesn't mean that she can't. If she asks for help in doing stuff for herself, offer to help with that where you have energy to do so, but don't keep parenting a parent who doesn't actually need it. The fact that she might make choices that make her life noticeably worse is not actually your problem to solve.
posted by Sequence at 10:09 AM on May 15, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Yup, I feel for you too. My mother was never abusive, but is very self-absorbed and I had to raise myself, including reading the notices from school at age 4, telling us to bring or wear something specific, since a few times I went to school without the proper item and was shamed. There's a lot of resentment there.
Now, we draw boundaries, and if she gets into a scrape, I will do nothing beyond the boundaries I have already set. Yes, I will take you grocery shopping on Sundays, but no, I will not come over every night just because you want me to. If you break your ankle and I am in the middle of a big work project, no, I will not drop everything to take you to the hospital, you have money to take a cab. (Or you would, if you hadn't blown your inherited money over the years.) I think she's like a toddler sometimes: she'll try to get away with things over and over, and when it doesn't work, figure things out for herself, and then repeat the cycle. It's up to me to come across as a little heartless sometimes, because that's what works. It's definitely a thing with her when she'll tell me "OMG, the world is falling apart!" and I'll say "I'm sorry to hear that," and then somehow she'll magically come up with a solution so that the world is not falling apart.
I remember reading a quote from Frank McCourt I think: "the younger generation exists to push the older generation off the earth," or something like that. It's a little heartless, but your child should be the priority, they should NEVER be deprived of an experience just to answer your mother's drama. No way no how.
Lots of good answers here! Best of luck to you.
posted by sockerpup at 10:27 AM on May 15, 2018 [5 favorites]
Now, we draw boundaries, and if she gets into a scrape, I will do nothing beyond the boundaries I have already set. Yes, I will take you grocery shopping on Sundays, but no, I will not come over every night just because you want me to. If you break your ankle and I am in the middle of a big work project, no, I will not drop everything to take you to the hospital, you have money to take a cab. (Or you would, if you hadn't blown your inherited money over the years.) I think she's like a toddler sometimes: she'll try to get away with things over and over, and when it doesn't work, figure things out for herself, and then repeat the cycle. It's up to me to come across as a little heartless sometimes, because that's what works. It's definitely a thing with her when she'll tell me "OMG, the world is falling apart!" and I'll say "I'm sorry to hear that," and then somehow she'll magically come up with a solution so that the world is not falling apart.
I remember reading a quote from Frank McCourt I think: "the younger generation exists to push the older generation off the earth," or something like that. It's a little heartless, but your child should be the priority, they should NEVER be deprived of an experience just to answer your mother's drama. No way no how.
Lots of good answers here! Best of luck to you.
posted by sockerpup at 10:27 AM on May 15, 2018 [5 favorites]
I highly recommend the book Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward, PhD. Especially the chapter about mothers who need mothering. Don't be put off by the title like I was. It's a book full of insight that, coupled with therapy, has begun to help me heal from a toxic dynamic with my own mother.
I feel for you. Boundaries are tough but so very necessary. They're the best thing you can do for yourself. You & your kid come first, always. Be well, I wish you so much peace and comfort.
posted by bologna on wry at 10:29 AM on May 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
I feel for you. Boundaries are tough but so very necessary. They're the best thing you can do for yourself. You & your kid come first, always. Be well, I wish you so much peace and comfort.
posted by bologna on wry at 10:29 AM on May 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
A lot of well thought out answers above. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. With the help of AskMe, I completely cut off contact with my mother a year ago. I am not telling you to cut off contact, what I am telling you is that I have never been mentally or physically healthier than I am since I did.
Your situation is yours, and you may feel a great deal of guilt and/or sadness and/or anger for having to set any boundaries, because really, society puts the mother on a pedestal, but you do not have to do what you cannot safely do either emotionally or physically, especially when it takes away from you taking care of your own child. You do have to set some boundaries though, because it sounds like your mother is taking advantage of you. My sister resents the hell out of me for making my choice and yours might too, but I can't take care of my sister's f'd up relationship with our mother, either.
Feel free to memail me if you need/want to talk it out.
posted by Sophie1 at 11:04 AM on May 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
Your situation is yours, and you may feel a great deal of guilt and/or sadness and/or anger for having to set any boundaries, because really, society puts the mother on a pedestal, but you do not have to do what you cannot safely do either emotionally or physically, especially when it takes away from you taking care of your own child. You do have to set some boundaries though, because it sounds like your mother is taking advantage of you. My sister resents the hell out of me for making my choice and yours might too, but I can't take care of my sister's f'd up relationship with our mother, either.
Feel free to memail me if you need/want to talk it out.
posted by Sophie1 at 11:04 AM on May 15, 2018 [4 favorites]
I agree with others above that you don't have to do more. What's helped for me was 1) helping mom find cleaning help (that she paid), 2) helping her find transportation help (that she pays), and 3) finding an eldercare social worker case worker who could do some of the advocating/finding other resources like home help. The last one sounds like it could be helpful to you, and we found ours through local senior resources.
But, yeah, take care of yourself. You deserve it!
posted by ldthomps at 11:48 AM on May 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
But, yeah, take care of yourself. You deserve it!
posted by ldthomps at 11:48 AM on May 15, 2018 [1 favorite]
Keeping it brief, I'm an only child with an emotionally abusive and manipulative mother (think a parent wanting her child's self-image to be that of "evil"). She's become increasingly dependent over the past nine years, which culminated in a stroke last year. I have never been able to just walk away (her age combined with reasonably legitimate health concerns) and it's a bit late now; I know my own personality. I do feel the need to be there for my father who has always been oblivious to what's gone on or else will just laugh things off, but who is doing his very best in his role as carer, which is never enough for my mother ("I blame my husband" she has said of her illness).
I feel stuck in this situation but also do have feelings for my mother, despite everything (if I see her genuine frailties, my heartstrings do get yanked), and even if those feelings aren't reciprocated in kind and won't ever be. However, my best approach lately has been to think of her as an elderly woman needing compassion and general human decency, rather than as a mother, and just try to respond as such, whether she's being demanding, irrational, self-absorbed or even not. It's a form of detachment. That's my mental trick.
posted by Lilypod at 6:00 AM on May 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
I feel stuck in this situation but also do have feelings for my mother, despite everything (if I see her genuine frailties, my heartstrings do get yanked), and even if those feelings aren't reciprocated in kind and won't ever be. However, my best approach lately has been to think of her as an elderly woman needing compassion and general human decency, rather than as a mother, and just try to respond as such, whether she's being demanding, irrational, self-absorbed or even not. It's a form of detachment. That's my mental trick.
posted by Lilypod at 6:00 AM on May 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by catspajammies at 2:25 AM on May 15, 2018 [12 favorites]