To send a reminiscence letter?

April 30, 2018 12:23 PM

When someone has died, I feel an impulse to write a letter of reminiscences, things I'll always remember, accounts of how the person changed my life... and then send the letter to the closest surviving loved ones (spouse, parent). Should I do this?

If you've ever received a letter like this, was it a good thing?

On the one hand, it seems like a nice way to let the loved ones know how the memory of the one that passed is being carried on. On the other hand, maybe it undercuts the way they want their loved one remembered - if I remember them as bold and audacious, but they think of them as kind to animals, for example.

posted by xo to Human Relations (28 answers total)

Yes, do this. I received letters like this and they meant so much to me.
posted by machinecraig at 12:30 PM on April 30, 2018 [21 favorites]

Yes! My dad was...difficult...and still when he died it was great to hear interesting anecdotes about him. It still is, actually. Especially ones that give me a glimpse of another side I might not have known about.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 12:31 PM on April 30, 2018 [6 favorites]

I've received and sent these. It is a wonderful thing to do. It lets people know that their loved one meant a great deal to others. Sometimes it can teach you something new about someone. As long as the letter is positive, there's really no way to go wrong.

One friend told me she carried the letter I sent about her mother in her purse. Others have told me they read such letters over and over. I've treasure the letters like this that I've gotten. It is one of the most meaningful things you can do.
posted by FencingGal at 12:33 PM on April 30, 2018 [7 favorites]

I lost my sibling to suicide and deeply wish someone would’ve done this for me. Would still be grateful!
posted by jitterbug perfume at 12:33 PM on April 30, 2018 [9 favorites]

Yes, do this, as long as what you are saying is generally positive (I'm assuming this is the case). The best time to send something like this is after the initial shock has passed, because they may be too numb to appreciate it in the moment. Sending on the anniversary of the death is always special because the person who is grieving is hyper-aware of the date but most people have forgotten.
posted by rogerrogerwhatsyourrvectorvicto at 12:34 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

This sounds like a very meaningful thoughtful gift. I'd personally much prefer this over more traditional manufactured cards and flowers.
posted by OnefortheLast at 12:34 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

Oh my goodness, I would *treasure* such a letter! Yes, please do this!
posted by epj at 12:34 PM on April 30, 2018 [2 favorites]

I sort of threw a wet blanket on a recent "should I write this letter to strangers" thread, but I want to say this is totally, totally different. Yes, do this.
posted by brainmouse at 12:35 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

I did this once to a friend I’d grown up with, whose parents had been like extended family when we were kids (but who I saw only occasionally by the time his dad passed away). Just half a dozen random memories of touching/funny moments and what they meant to me.

I heard nothing back and wondered if I’d been too presumptuous. Then about six months later my friend wrote to me to say he was finally coming out of the grief fog, and that they were so grateful for my letter, which had been officially added to the “family precious things box”, and that he’d seen it out on his mum’s dressing table the other day and knew she’d taken it out for another read.

So yes, do it, and as above, maybe leave a space of time.
posted by penguin pie at 12:41 PM on April 30, 2018 [13 favorites]

a woman I know keeps a treasure box of the letters that were written to her about her daughter when the daughter died. They are incredibly meaningful to her. Yes, do this. Send it when you think of it, don't put it off for a later date. It's more important to send it than it is to calculate the right time, and if you put it off you may never get around to it, or you might forget things.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:44 PM on April 30, 2018 [2 favorites]

A more cautious yes. People aren't ready for things on a predictable time frame but I imagine at some point this would mean a lot.
posted by Smearcase at 12:50 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

Oh, I would consider this a wonderful gift. You're a lovely person to have thought of this.
posted by Nieshka at 12:51 PM on April 30, 2018

Yes, please do this. Having just lost my mother back in October, I can tell you the weeks directly after her death are now a total blur. So many people came and said so many lovely sentiments about her and shared beautiful memories, but its hard to remember much from that time. I would have loved to receive letters like this about her that I could keep and re-read afterward. Yes, do this.
posted by NoraCharles at 12:52 PM on April 30, 2018 [2 favorites]

Yes, with the thought that it may be better to ask if they're ready for such a letter yet before sending it.
posted by Candleman at 12:54 PM on April 30, 2018

Personal memories make the best condolence letters and really stand out from the avalanche of generic sympathy cards and expressions about "thoughts and prayers," though those are heartfelt too.
posted by carmicha at 12:59 PM on April 30, 2018 [2 favorites]

I think it is a lovely idea.
I assume you know the person you send it to reasonably well can be sure that you don't inadvertently reveal any secret.
After my father died, a stranger sent us erotic love poems he wrote for her. She was not aware we did not know of their relationship, which took place before my parents divorce. She did it with best intentions as she believed we knew about their relationship. Suffice it to say it was not a positive experience.
posted by 15L06 at 1:03 PM on April 30, 2018 [3 favorites]

fter my father died, a stranger sent us erotic love poems he wrote for her. She was not aware we did not know of their relationship, which took place before my parents divorce. She did it with best intentions as she believed we knew about their relationship

That woman's judgement was questionable at best. In almost every case I think the answer to the OPs question is Yes send the letter, but in a case like this... I'm not convinced this woman truly had "the best intentions," she certainly didnt have any good sense.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:41 PM on April 30, 2018 [9 favorites]

Yes yes yes! This would be so lovely ... both my parents are gone now and I would absolutely *treasure* anything like this that their friends might send to me. I especially love the idea of doing it on the anniversary of the death, when the loved ones are remembering and probably hurting extra but those around them might not be tuned in to the specific day.
posted by mccxxiii at 1:52 PM on April 30, 2018

So, someone close to me died abruptly and unexpectedly a while back. One of their friends still regularly posts pictures, poems, and inspirational quotes on Facebook related to this. I'm not saying don't grieve on social media, but in my case, it's been two years and I'd rather not with the unexpected reminders in my news feed. That's their business, but I find it a bit tacky.

What OP is proposing is the very opposite of that. What a thoughtful and personal gesture, in a world that needs them more than ever. Good on ya, OP.
posted by futureisunwritten at 1:54 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

My dad was a difficult, angry person who’d alienated most of his family and friends. When he died, it was very comforting to hear from a few people I didn’t even know, who had some nice stories to remind me that I wasn't the only person who knew that a kind, funny, generous side of him also existed.
posted by subluxor at 2:54 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

YES, omg. If someone did this for me about my grandparents I would be eternally grateful.
posted by Tamanna at 3:33 PM on April 30, 2018

That woman's judgement was questionable at best. In almost every case I think the answer to the OPs question is Yes send the letter

Yes, run it through your reality check filter but in nearly all cases I think it's a nice thing to do.

I also had someone send a reminiscence of my mom (both my parents died in the last seven years, I have gotten a lot of these and loved nearly every one) that was overly revealing and weirded us all out. it wasn't bad per se--I think it was very helpful for him to write it--but definitely like "Oh you and my mom had sex when you were teenagers and we thought you were just an old family friend, gotcha!"

The only times this has been weird for me, besides the above, is someone insisting they knew something about the relationship between me and my parent. Not like "Oh your dad always bragged about you" (that's fine, that's a thing that happened) but "Your mom was so concerned about your well-being and really took such good care of you" (that's speculation and in a situation where people have .. problematic families, not so great). And even then, I could usually get at the intent.

People who remembered a parent that wasn't what I remembered is totally fine, whether good or bad to be honest. I would totally send those letters. They are almost always a comfort.
posted by jessamyn at 3:55 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

My mother died last summer and if I received a letter like this I would love it so much. One of the hardest parts about her death has been the feeling that she will be forgotten, and any reminders I get from her friends that they still think of her mean a TON to me. A family friend occasionally sends me letters about missing her and they mean quite a bit to me - I cry reading them, but it's a positive feeling cry, like she still matters.
posted by augustimagination at 4:57 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

I still have the letter that I received over 20 years ago that someone wrote me expressing how much my Dad ment to them and how proud my Dad was of me. It's a beautiful gift.
posted by mightshould at 5:32 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

Absolutely send the letter/talk about the person who has passed away. I recently connected with a person on Facebook who worked for my dad back in 1989, less than five years before he died. It's been so lovely to hear him talk about how my dad was a good guy. And he sent me a DVD of my dad giving a speech at a ceremony at the high point of his career which I had never seen before. It was amazing.

And I agree with others - your observations of the person mean so much more than a generic "let me know how I can help you." Please. These memories are priceless. Anyone who's loved someone has an idea of their flaws and IMHO someone who talks about them - even their flaws - is 10 times better than the normal saccharine responses.

(My grandma died this morning, so I may be biased...)
posted by bendy at 9:54 PM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]

Not just for human loved ones, but I've also done this when someone has lost a beloved pet and I received very gracious thank you's.
posted by like_neon at 1:41 AM on May 1, 2018

Absolutely. When my mum passed away, an old friend from high school wrote to me out of the blue about a memory he had of her. It still to this day stands out as one of the nicest and most memorable condolence notes I received.
posted by ryanbryan at 6:54 AM on May 1, 2018

I've written these types of memorials a few times, and posted them online where others who are missing the deceased can find them, not just their immediate next of kin.
posted by Scram at 6:36 PM on May 1, 2018