Are my doubts in this relationship valid? Will I ever be happy?
April 29, 2018 4:08 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend (25M) and I (25F) have been dating a year. I have lingering doubts that I am unsure are valid or are issues in reality, and I'm wondering if I'm just being too picky or unrealistic?
Hi again, I'm back... I have posted questions on this relationship before.
Relationship History: We used to date when we were 15 for 9 months. We were happy but then I broke it off over the summer due to doubts, then a couple months later missed him a lot and regretted it, but he had moved on to someone else and I was heart broken (my own fault, first heartbreak). We didn't really speak for 9 years, then over a year ago he Facebook messaged me asking how I was.
After high school he had gone 2 hours away to university, couldn't decide a major, didn't do well and got kicked out for a semester, and decided to move back with his parents for a bit to save money and try community college and was planning to do so over the summer 2017. After high school I had went to community college and got a General Studies degree, couldn't decide what to do and stopped going to school for the time being, got an office job, saved up and was getting ready to move out on my own. I was also just getting out of a bad relationship.
I was happy to hear from him and interested to catch up. We met up, I started to like him, and 2 months after initial contact again we were officially together. It probably moved too fast but I was soo happy.
We have been dating a year now. He lives with parents and works in a kitchen part/full time, goes to school for culinary full time that his parents pay for. I work in an office full time, go to school for business part time, live on my own.
When we first started talking again, there were possibly red flags that I didn't pay any attention to... For example, he didn't clean his car or home for me when I came over, they were a wreck. He also had his phone ringing multiple times a day from collectors on bills he didn't pay. I ignored these things, he was really nice to me and I really liked spending time with him, adored him.
Eventually, about six months ago after I felt he was trying to make me jealous with other women, I confronted him on how I thought he tried to make me jealous, on how he didn't pay his debt, owed his friend money, etc. He changed all that around, he payed down all his debt, stopped talking about other girls mostly, payed his friend, has been working a lot and paying for our outings since he's living with his parents rent free and I'm living alone. He told me the other week that when I told him all the things I didn't like that he was doing, he said those were things he also didn't like about himself but that no one ever said anything about those qualities to him, but that he's trying to do his best and I make him want to be a better person. I was really happy to hear that and told him I was proud of him.
He is always so sweet to me. But for some reason the nagging doubts don't go away and I feel terrible. I mean this also has happened in all prior relationships too, just different doubts. I'm unsure if we should be together. I kind of don't like that he has his ears pierced and a tattoo for whatever reason, I'm unsure if I like the way he dresses, I mean he looks good and his style is unique and him but I also get semi embarrassed when I bring him around family/my sister that dresses nicer, I would rather he took better care of his car/room and not be so messy I think because that's what I do. He also just inherited $10,000 and bought a new $200 bong and wants a long board too, and that irked me a bit, but if those things make him happy I don't think it should irk me? He said he would save most of the money. I told him that I thought he should save that for a down payment on a house or something, and he had never thought to save for a house and I'm not sure knew what a down payment on a mortgage exactly was or thought about home ownership, so I explained why it could be better than renting. I was frustrated that he never even thought about that. He has said in the past that him and his siblings are spoiled and that he is trying not to be, that he wants to be independent and wishes he wasn't spoiled. But those things shouldn't matter, I'm not sure why they matter so much in my mind?
He also works in a kitchen and is going to school for culinary, and works nights and weekends. I think I would prefer that he worked the same hours I did, though in reality it's also nice to have alone time.
He is always nice to me, loving, and sweet. He tries to make me happy. Maybe I just can't be pleased? What's wrong with me? Will I do this to every guy I ever date?
I've always had a strong vision for a future life, I had a hard childhood and I guess always dreamed of growing up and having my own good life, and I just can't let that picture go for some reason, I compare the guys I'm with to it. I want a clean and nice home, stable loving marriage, and I want kids and to teach my kids and bring them up well. I get irritated that his family didn't teach their kids about managing their money or taking care of their stuff/homes/cars.
Today, I told him how I was feeling. He was stopping by to pick up his dog after work (I watched her today) and he had to go bowling with his family on a league in a couple hours. When he stopped by I told him I wanted to talk, sat him down, and just said that I was unsure about our future together. He asked why, I told him I think we have different values, goals, priorities, life paths maybe. I told him I didn't know if we were aiming for the same future. Yesterday we walked by a dumpy but interesting house, he said he liked the house and would totally live there, and I said I wanted something nicer. He said I read way too into his comments and that just because he says he likes a certain house I think he's a piece of crap. He said he has tried to do better, he has been trying to think of the future and said he wants to move out to a nearby small town I really like to work for a new location of his restaurant, and says that we could live together and he could support us mostly and I could work part time and finish up my degree which is really sweet. I was so confused in the conversation and there was a lot of silent moments because I couldn't think of what I wanted or what to say. I told him I would like if he smoked weed less or not at all. I sometimes smoke with him but I just don't like weed culture or how it makes me lazy or gives me anxiety, I'd rather live my life drug free I think.
He said it sounded like he wasn't good enough for me to accept him in my future, he didn't know what he could do better for me, it sounded like I didn't like him in general, and that it sounded like I wanted to want him but just didn't. I didn't know what to say, I felt so bad. He left and said he'd give me time to think about it. We both were crying and I could tell he really wants to be with me and is letting me decide.
I just am really confused. I don't know if anyone will ever make me happy, if I am thinking of the elusive future too much and not appreciating what makes me happy now. My family is pretty judgmental and maybe I am letting their voices get it my head too much about what kind of life I want. He is so sweet and a good good guy. I feel like a judgmental insane person, I just don't know. Will I do this to every guy I meet, compare him to my ideal image of a guy in my mind, and just never actually be happy? I just envision my life to be so different from what it is now, and I need to take action on it.
Does anyone have anything to say about all this? Thank you so much.
Hi again, I'm back... I have posted questions on this relationship before.
Relationship History: We used to date when we were 15 for 9 months. We were happy but then I broke it off over the summer due to doubts, then a couple months later missed him a lot and regretted it, but he had moved on to someone else and I was heart broken (my own fault, first heartbreak). We didn't really speak for 9 years, then over a year ago he Facebook messaged me asking how I was.
After high school he had gone 2 hours away to university, couldn't decide a major, didn't do well and got kicked out for a semester, and decided to move back with his parents for a bit to save money and try community college and was planning to do so over the summer 2017. After high school I had went to community college and got a General Studies degree, couldn't decide what to do and stopped going to school for the time being, got an office job, saved up and was getting ready to move out on my own. I was also just getting out of a bad relationship.
I was happy to hear from him and interested to catch up. We met up, I started to like him, and 2 months after initial contact again we were officially together. It probably moved too fast but I was soo happy.
We have been dating a year now. He lives with parents and works in a kitchen part/full time, goes to school for culinary full time that his parents pay for. I work in an office full time, go to school for business part time, live on my own.
When we first started talking again, there were possibly red flags that I didn't pay any attention to... For example, he didn't clean his car or home for me when I came over, they were a wreck. He also had his phone ringing multiple times a day from collectors on bills he didn't pay. I ignored these things, he was really nice to me and I really liked spending time with him, adored him.
Eventually, about six months ago after I felt he was trying to make me jealous with other women, I confronted him on how I thought he tried to make me jealous, on how he didn't pay his debt, owed his friend money, etc. He changed all that around, he payed down all his debt, stopped talking about other girls mostly, payed his friend, has been working a lot and paying for our outings since he's living with his parents rent free and I'm living alone. He told me the other week that when I told him all the things I didn't like that he was doing, he said those were things he also didn't like about himself but that no one ever said anything about those qualities to him, but that he's trying to do his best and I make him want to be a better person. I was really happy to hear that and told him I was proud of him.
He is always so sweet to me. But for some reason the nagging doubts don't go away and I feel terrible. I mean this also has happened in all prior relationships too, just different doubts. I'm unsure if we should be together. I kind of don't like that he has his ears pierced and a tattoo for whatever reason, I'm unsure if I like the way he dresses, I mean he looks good and his style is unique and him but I also get semi embarrassed when I bring him around family/my sister that dresses nicer, I would rather he took better care of his car/room and not be so messy I think because that's what I do. He also just inherited $10,000 and bought a new $200 bong and wants a long board too, and that irked me a bit, but if those things make him happy I don't think it should irk me? He said he would save most of the money. I told him that I thought he should save that for a down payment on a house or something, and he had never thought to save for a house and I'm not sure knew what a down payment on a mortgage exactly was or thought about home ownership, so I explained why it could be better than renting. I was frustrated that he never even thought about that. He has said in the past that him and his siblings are spoiled and that he is trying not to be, that he wants to be independent and wishes he wasn't spoiled. But those things shouldn't matter, I'm not sure why they matter so much in my mind?
He also works in a kitchen and is going to school for culinary, and works nights and weekends. I think I would prefer that he worked the same hours I did, though in reality it's also nice to have alone time.
He is always nice to me, loving, and sweet. He tries to make me happy. Maybe I just can't be pleased? What's wrong with me? Will I do this to every guy I ever date?
I've always had a strong vision for a future life, I had a hard childhood and I guess always dreamed of growing up and having my own good life, and I just can't let that picture go for some reason, I compare the guys I'm with to it. I want a clean and nice home, stable loving marriage, and I want kids and to teach my kids and bring them up well. I get irritated that his family didn't teach their kids about managing their money or taking care of their stuff/homes/cars.
Today, I told him how I was feeling. He was stopping by to pick up his dog after work (I watched her today) and he had to go bowling with his family on a league in a couple hours. When he stopped by I told him I wanted to talk, sat him down, and just said that I was unsure about our future together. He asked why, I told him I think we have different values, goals, priorities, life paths maybe. I told him I didn't know if we were aiming for the same future. Yesterday we walked by a dumpy but interesting house, he said he liked the house and would totally live there, and I said I wanted something nicer. He said I read way too into his comments and that just because he says he likes a certain house I think he's a piece of crap. He said he has tried to do better, he has been trying to think of the future and said he wants to move out to a nearby small town I really like to work for a new location of his restaurant, and says that we could live together and he could support us mostly and I could work part time and finish up my degree which is really sweet. I was so confused in the conversation and there was a lot of silent moments because I couldn't think of what I wanted or what to say. I told him I would like if he smoked weed less or not at all. I sometimes smoke with him but I just don't like weed culture or how it makes me lazy or gives me anxiety, I'd rather live my life drug free I think.
He said it sounded like he wasn't good enough for me to accept him in my future, he didn't know what he could do better for me, it sounded like I didn't like him in general, and that it sounded like I wanted to want him but just didn't. I didn't know what to say, I felt so bad. He left and said he'd give me time to think about it. We both were crying and I could tell he really wants to be with me and is letting me decide.
I just am really confused. I don't know if anyone will ever make me happy, if I am thinking of the elusive future too much and not appreciating what makes me happy now. My family is pretty judgmental and maybe I am letting their voices get it my head too much about what kind of life I want. He is so sweet and a good good guy. I feel like a judgmental insane person, I just don't know. Will I do this to every guy I meet, compare him to my ideal image of a guy in my mind, and just never actually be happy? I just envision my life to be so different from what it is now, and I need to take action on it.
Does anyone have anything to say about all this? Thank you so much.
This post was deleted for the following reason: This sort of “here is everything: help!” post does not work here, sorry. -- restless_nomad
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posted by anon1129 at 4:10 PM on April 29, 2018