Help Me Read My Way Through My Divorce
April 13, 2018 7:57 AM   Subscribe

Our marriage is coming to an end after 20 years and I need help finding stories, (fiction, essays, whatever) that I can relate to, to help me cope.

So far, it’s been amicable; nobody was abusive, nobody was an asshole, we both changed a lot and it just doesn’t work anymore. We have a son, but we don’t own much, we can divide up our stuff without much fuss and we each will be able to support ourselves. So the logistics will probably not be a problem, just paperwork (and counseling for the kid and probably each of us). And I can find lots of guidelines about all that.

But mentally, I’m all over the place. Some days I’m grieving like it’s a death, some days I’m angry, some days I’m just confused, distracted and tired. Some days I’m actually kind of pumped to be moving forward, but feel guilty, because this divorce was something I decided was right to do after years of trying. I find that I want to read other people’s stories about going through this. But most divorce stories are about abuse or cheating or addiction, and none of that applies here.

I’m a person who uses stories to shape themselves and I don’t know where to look for this kind of story. Please give me your recommendations.
posted by anonymous to Media & Arts (10 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
The Radiant Way is one of Margaret Drabble's books that deal with divorce in what seems like a really autobiographical way. It's actually the first in a trilogy in which a variety of marriage and divorce stories play through. They are wordy and rhetorical and increasingly seem conservative to me, but there is something about them that I find comforting. Partly, the characters usually enjoy being independent and capable and they take great pleasure in parenthood.
posted by BibiRose at 8:22 AM on April 13, 2018


Two books that really helped me were Breaking Apart - A Memoir of Divorce by Wendy Swallow, and Open House by Elizabeth Berg. One is non-fiction and the other is fiction. While neither one was completely my situation, the feelings expressed were so relatable. I hope you find some comfort through reading.
posted by XtineHutch at 8:29 AM on April 13, 2018


This essay has always been my primary go-to about divorce. The bit about "failed" vs. "finished" marriages always hit the sweet spot.
posted by dlugoczaj at 8:31 AM on April 13, 2018 [2 favorites]


Oh, that Kingsolver essay is good stuff.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 8:55 AM on April 13, 2018


I am going through the same thing right now and totally identify with you having those feelings.

This is not a fiction recommendation, but it has been invaluable to me. I hope it can be the same for you. Fisher's Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. If you are having trouble processing what is happening and don't feel too sure about there being a light at the end of the tunnel, this book can help you find your own way.

Sorry to threadjack, just wanted to offer some almost-related support.
posted by rachelpapers at 9:30 AM on April 13, 2018 [2 favorites]


If you're up for a really good, long fiction read. Gail Godwin's The Good Husband is one of my favourite books about marriages. "Mates are not always matches, and matches are not always mates."

Dissolving unions are a constant theme in John Irving's novels, most notably A Widow for One Year, The 158-Pound Marriage, and The Water Method Man (I think?)
posted by DarlingBri at 1:49 PM on April 13, 2018


Raymond Carver, Call if you need me. I read it in Granta, back in the day when Granta was delivered by USPS. The link it to the website, which requires a subscription. The story is also in a Carver collection of the same name.

It's a lovely story about a couple who are ending their marriage, but clearly not their respect and regard for one another.
posted by she's not there at 2:58 PM on April 13, 2018 [1 favorite]


This is Happy by Camilla Gibb is a memoir of her marriage and subsequent separation/divorce. She writes very frankly of struggling through tremendous grief while she gathers a new community/family together to help her be a single parent.
posted by janepanic at 4:43 PM on April 13, 2018 [1 favorite]


During my last split I took a lot of benefit from my readings about concussion recovery tactics. Jane McGonigal did a TED talk about the mental impacts and how she developed tactics to persuade herself to calm down and heal slowly and successfully.

This may seem an odd recommendation, but your paragraph about the mental effects does closely resemble many symptoms shared by concussion survivors. As a community they have quite advanced techniques that you may find helpful as I did. It took me months to work through the distractibility and wandering emotional range and general mental fallout, and it was immensely helpful to know that the fallout would eventually heal if I respected it and remained hopeful. (It did.)
posted by crysflame at 12:51 PM on April 14, 2018 [1 favorite]


Women on Divorce!
posted by 8603 at 12:55 PM on April 14, 2018


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