Re-solo living
April 4, 2018 12:12 PM Subscribe
I had some beloved family members staying as houseguests for a few weeks, and they'll leave in a few days. How do I painlessly make the transition back to solo living? Details after the jump.
These visits happen once or twice a year. I usually live alone. When they arrive it takes me some time to get used to having people around, but I hate it when they leave, absolutely hate it, for a couple of days, after which habits and appreciation for being able to do my own thing kicks in. Usually the guests schedule their departure their travel w/my workdays (I just stay late and catch up on to-do lists), but this time I have a few days off just after they leave and I'm dreading it. What would make those days less of a slump into feeling miserable and watching sitcom reruns and more...productive/positive? Difficulty level: I don't want to go out and meet people (I'm not particularly social) and I don't want to indulge in hobbies like reading etc which are my normal mainstays but re-emphasize that I'm back to living by my lonesome. I do not have pets.
I know it's silly but I would be grateful if you can suggest ways to make the transition less sad.
These visits happen once or twice a year. I usually live alone. When they arrive it takes me some time to get used to having people around, but I hate it when they leave, absolutely hate it, for a couple of days, after which habits and appreciation for being able to do my own thing kicks in. Usually the guests schedule their departure their travel w/my workdays (I just stay late and catch up on to-do lists), but this time I have a few days off just after they leave and I'm dreading it. What would make those days less of a slump into feeling miserable and watching sitcom reruns and more...productive/positive? Difficulty level: I don't want to go out and meet people (I'm not particularly social) and I don't want to indulge in hobbies like reading etc which are my normal mainstays but re-emphasize that I'm back to living by my lonesome. I do not have pets.
I know it's silly but I would be grateful if you can suggest ways to make the transition less sad.
no pants
dessert first
watch porn with the volume up
posted by phunniemee at 12:19 PM on April 4, 2018 [5 favorites]
dessert first
watch porn with the volume up
posted by phunniemee at 12:19 PM on April 4, 2018 [5 favorites]
What are the ways you like to get out of the house?
Even if you don't want to go out and meet people, are there public places you enjoy just being around people? Getting out and going to the library/reading at a coffee shop/taking yourself out to a meal/going to a movie/seeing a lecture/going to a museum might obviate some of that empty-house slump and it'll quickly underscore how much fun the post-guest freedom can be.
Also, it's not silly, I have a feeling quite like that every time someone leaves. It can feel lonely.
posted by mosst at 12:19 PM on April 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
Even if you don't want to go out and meet people, are there public places you enjoy just being around people? Getting out and going to the library/reading at a coffee shop/taking yourself out to a meal/going to a movie/seeing a lecture/going to a museum might obviate some of that empty-house slump and it'll quickly underscore how much fun the post-guest freedom can be.
Also, it's not silly, I have a feeling quite like that every time someone leaves. It can feel lonely.
posted by mosst at 12:19 PM on April 4, 2018 [3 favorites]
Bake lots of cookies and mail them to the people who just left.
Brainstorm diy/home improvement projects with your family members so you can talk with them about it in the next few days as you make progress.
Take yourself on a road trip! Stay away from home for a day and a night to disguise the transition.
Rearrange your living room. See how extreme you can make the change. Tell yourself it doesn’t have to be permanent if that makes it easier to go big.
posted by itesser at 12:25 PM on April 4, 2018 [6 favorites]
Brainstorm diy/home improvement projects with your family members so you can talk with them about it in the next few days as you make progress.
Take yourself on a road trip! Stay away from home for a day and a night to disguise the transition.
Rearrange your living room. See how extreme you can make the change. Tell yourself it doesn’t have to be permanent if that makes it easier to go big.
posted by itesser at 12:25 PM on April 4, 2018 [6 favorites]
If you have the materials to do so, you could take those few days to go camping, which both lets you really lean into the solitude and then when you come back helps you appreciate having a space designed to be a you-space with all its comforts.
posted by solotoro at 12:25 PM on April 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by solotoro at 12:25 PM on April 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Are you me? I am going through this transition myself — just two weeks ago we had 4 guests, a roommate, and my fiancé. Now it’s just myself for the summer! I love a full house, but solitude does me good, and I don’t really have a choice in the matter right now anyhow.
Here’s what is helping me transition:
- going to the local pub for a social environment without actually socializing
- going on runs around the neighborhood where other people are walking about
- catching a movie at odd hours, getting a bag of popcorn and disappearing into the story
- running all those errands and taking care of house repairs that are LONG overdue
- spring projects: detailing my grubby car, planting a small vegetable garden, buying planters to fill and hang, creative work like a new painting
I know you don’t have pets, but my cat makes a good companion in transition times and takes the edge off when I give him treats and pets. We’ll be getting a dog too at some point.
posted by Snacks at 12:25 PM on April 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Here’s what is helping me transition:
- going to the local pub for a social environment without actually socializing
- going on runs around the neighborhood where other people are walking about
- catching a movie at odd hours, getting a bag of popcorn and disappearing into the story
- running all those errands and taking care of house repairs that are LONG overdue
- spring projects: detailing my grubby car, planting a small vegetable garden, buying planters to fill and hang, creative work like a new painting
I know you don’t have pets, but my cat makes a good companion in transition times and takes the edge off when I give him treats and pets. We’ll be getting a dog too at some point.
posted by Snacks at 12:25 PM on April 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Maybe plan some big craft project that would require your leaving something laid out and drying off, or something, which would underscore that "oh hey I can do this since it's not going to get in anyone's way!"
But also, consider; maybe you might just need a couple days of chill and down time after your guests go, to recharge a little. Especially if you might be a bit of an introvert; being around people when you're not used to it can be a little exhausting, and you may just need a couple low energy days anyway.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:26 PM on April 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
But also, consider; maybe you might just need a couple days of chill and down time after your guests go, to recharge a little. Especially if you might be a bit of an introvert; being around people when you're not used to it can be a little exhausting, and you may just need a couple low energy days anyway.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:26 PM on April 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Be a tourist in your hometown. Pick a gallery or museum you wouldn't go see usually. Go for a hike. Visit a historic site. Take yourself out for an indulgent dinner. Get a massage. Go see a play or a concert.
posted by goggie at 12:41 PM on April 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by goggie at 12:41 PM on April 4, 2018 [2 favorites]
Do you have a close friend you could invite over for a good catch up? Maybe with a task in mind so it feels like a productive visit too? I find being with chosen family after my related-family departs can really help me feel like I'm in my own skin again and one person can feel very different than a crowd.
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 1:06 PM on April 4, 2018
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 1:06 PM on April 4, 2018
Are you interested in having a pet? Now would be a good time to add one to your life.
posted by slipthought at 1:06 PM on April 4, 2018
posted by slipthought at 1:06 PM on April 4, 2018
I became a "regular" at a local bar for just this reason. On the weekends I have my kids and life is crammed full of interactions. But on weeknights, I am so, so alone.
But now that I have a place to hang out, if I feel lonely I just go drink a beer or two and chat with the locals. If I don't feel lonely, I just stay at home by myself. It's the best of both worlds, because I never *have* to interact with other people, but I have the option to if I need it.
posted by tacodave at 4:09 PM on April 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
But now that I have a place to hang out, if I feel lonely I just go drink a beer or two and chat with the locals. If I don't feel lonely, I just stay at home by myself. It's the best of both worlds, because I never *have* to interact with other people, but I have the option to if I need it.
posted by tacodave at 4:09 PM on April 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
The visiting hangover sucks. For me, part of what I love about visiting/being visited is the...lack of control over what I get to do? When I'm visiting my brother, it's a carousel of events, and I don't have to decide anything: breakfast for everyone, let's go for a walk, John needs to go to swimming, let's hit the library, lunch timeeeeeee, naps? And for once I don't have to schedule my entire solitary life, filling the hours with things that could be done now or later or whatever.
So I made an activity jar after a recent visit, containing slips of papers with activities, spanning everything from chores to my favorite hobbies. And when I have post-visit doldrums, I reach into the activity jar and do whatever the slip of paper says. It helps!
I just grabbed a handful of slips, to give you some examples, so:
- walk to the library
- clean the shower
- call [friend]
- make cookies
- do a puzzle
- decorate for the next holiday
- write a poem [I don't write poems]
- get a pedicure
- mop the kitchen
- write a letter
So, make a list of things that cover the necessary, the indulgent, the hobbies, the non-hobbies...everything. Don't put in anything too horrible.
I hope this helps!
posted by punchtothehead at 7:09 PM on April 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
So I made an activity jar after a recent visit, containing slips of papers with activities, spanning everything from chores to my favorite hobbies. And when I have post-visit doldrums, I reach into the activity jar and do whatever the slip of paper says. It helps!
I just grabbed a handful of slips, to give you some examples, so:
- walk to the library
- clean the shower
- call [friend]
- make cookies
- do a puzzle
- decorate for the next holiday
- write a poem [I don't write poems]
- get a pedicure
- mop the kitchen
- write a letter
So, make a list of things that cover the necessary, the indulgent, the hobbies, the non-hobbies...everything. Don't put in anything too horrible.
I hope this helps!
posted by punchtothehead at 7:09 PM on April 4, 2018 [4 favorites]
Come back to your senses. Literally.
When they leave, your mind may choose to indulge in mental flights of fancy, where it's like you're watching yourself in a movie. "I'm all alone now." "It's utterly silent. I am pitifully solitary." Or whatever self-observations you make when you pull back the camera to view your life in the cinematic view.
It's fake. It's not true. This is not a movie.
Concentrate on what's true: you - right here and right now - i.e. your alert awareness - the same awareness that's peered out of your eyes for as long as you can remember, doing the things you do. From that perspective - of what's actually happening - all is perfectly well. The perspective of focusing on what's missing is just a head fake. We don't live in the world of what's-not-happening, nor are we starring in a film.
Stay with your presence - what you actually are. The practice of telling yourself cinematic stories about yourself is optional. If you want to flip instantly and effortlessly out of the morass of this dramatic, narcissistic camera view, simply come back to your senses. What are you seeing, hearing, smelling? What's REAL? Where are you now?
You live in what's happening. You don't live in what's missing. What's happening is what's happening, not what's-not-happening, which is fantasy. You have delicious freedom and rich options for doing/thinking/acting in any moment. You can choose to live in the heady, rich, and delightfully real here-and-now, or you can choose to make yourself a miserable, empty wraith because that's how it looks in the movie version where Something's Missing. The first is happy and real. The second is miserable and fake. It's up to you: heaven or hell?
posted by Quisp Lover at 10:25 AM on April 5, 2018
When they leave, your mind may choose to indulge in mental flights of fancy, where it's like you're watching yourself in a movie. "I'm all alone now." "It's utterly silent. I am pitifully solitary." Or whatever self-observations you make when you pull back the camera to view your life in the cinematic view.
It's fake. It's not true. This is not a movie.
Concentrate on what's true: you - right here and right now - i.e. your alert awareness - the same awareness that's peered out of your eyes for as long as you can remember, doing the things you do. From that perspective - of what's actually happening - all is perfectly well. The perspective of focusing on what's missing is just a head fake. We don't live in the world of what's-not-happening, nor are we starring in a film.
Stay with your presence - what you actually are. The practice of telling yourself cinematic stories about yourself is optional. If you want to flip instantly and effortlessly out of the morass of this dramatic, narcissistic camera view, simply come back to your senses. What are you seeing, hearing, smelling? What's REAL? Where are you now?
You live in what's happening. You don't live in what's missing. What's happening is what's happening, not what's-not-happening, which is fantasy. You have delicious freedom and rich options for doing/thinking/acting in any moment. You can choose to live in the heady, rich, and delightfully real here-and-now, or you can choose to make yourself a miserable, empty wraith because that's how it looks in the movie version where Something's Missing. The first is happy and real. The second is miserable and fake. It's up to you: heaven or hell?
posted by Quisp Lover at 10:25 AM on April 5, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by GoblinHoney at 12:18 PM on April 4, 2018 [21 favorites]