Crushes can be fun, until they aren't
April 2, 2018 5:48 AM Subscribe
How can I put an end to obsessive thoughts about a crush before they completely ruin my life?
I've developed a massive crush on a new friend. I'm a single, straight guy and she's a single, straight woman. We've grown pretty close over the past few months, and there may or may not be a chance of it developing into something in the months to come. However, for various reasons, that time is not right now, and if I'm honest with myself, I don't think there's a great chance of it happening anyway. My more pressing concern is that it's become an all-consuming distraction in my life. At first, it was kind of exciting because I hadn't felt this in at least a decade or so and was actually sort of at peace with thinking it might never happen again, even though I'm only in my 30s. But now? I feel like it's slowly driving me insane.
I see her two, sometimes three days each week for 6-8 hours at a time. On those days, we're inseparable and have developed a level of comfort and familiarity that almost makes it feel like we're in a relationship. But we're not, and our interactions are entirely confined to those days. The problem is that my entire life revolves around those handful of hours each week we spend together. I've gotten to the point where I'm only able to do the baseline minimum in regards to any other life responsibilities, including being mentally present during time with family and other friends. Any hobbies are completely being ignored. All I can think about is wanting to fast forward to when I can be around her again. I literally have a tab open in my browser right now counting down until the next day I can see her. As I type this, I keep impatiently checking the clock waiting until the earliest possible time that I can reasonably go to bed so I can hurry up and move on to the next day. I try to distract myself with movies or tv, but I can barely make it 10 minutes before the thoughts creep back in or I reflexively grab my phone so I can wistfully scroll through her Instagram for the millionth time.
I'm spending dozens of hours each week pacing around my home replaying conversations and interactions in my mind. Sometimes I'll think about the things I want to say to her the next time we're together. I'll fantasize about being in a relationship with her and how we can get to that point. I analyze every word spoken, every microexpression, every light touch again and again and again. These thoughts devour everything. It's not uncommon for me to get into this mode, start pacing around, and before I know it 6+ hours have disappeared. It shouldn't come as a shock to say that I'm not eating or drinking anywhere near as much as I should. Doing so just never occurs to me anymore.
Call it a hunch, but none of this sounds too healthy or sustainable.
By the way, this problem extends beyond this one woman. As I said earlier, it's been a long time, but I've gotten like this in the past when I've fallen for someone. I clearly just don't know how to process these feelings in a normal way when they come around.
Removing myself from the situation and putting an end to seeing the woman in question is not an option right now. I'm also not sure that taking action, putting my feelings on the line, and asking her on a date would accomplish much, either. If she says no, she's cool enough that I'm fairly certain it wouldn't ruin anything we have and I would probably just keep obsessing in silence. If she says yes, then I feel like it's only going to feed the beast and give me new material to obsess over. If anything, it might actually make things worse if I were to get what I supposedly want.
How do I stop this cycle and get my life back? And how in the world do normal people fall in love without losing their minds?
I've developed a massive crush on a new friend. I'm a single, straight guy and she's a single, straight woman. We've grown pretty close over the past few months, and there may or may not be a chance of it developing into something in the months to come. However, for various reasons, that time is not right now, and if I'm honest with myself, I don't think there's a great chance of it happening anyway. My more pressing concern is that it's become an all-consuming distraction in my life. At first, it was kind of exciting because I hadn't felt this in at least a decade or so and was actually sort of at peace with thinking it might never happen again, even though I'm only in my 30s. But now? I feel like it's slowly driving me insane.
I see her two, sometimes three days each week for 6-8 hours at a time. On those days, we're inseparable and have developed a level of comfort and familiarity that almost makes it feel like we're in a relationship. But we're not, and our interactions are entirely confined to those days. The problem is that my entire life revolves around those handful of hours each week we spend together. I've gotten to the point where I'm only able to do the baseline minimum in regards to any other life responsibilities, including being mentally present during time with family and other friends. Any hobbies are completely being ignored. All I can think about is wanting to fast forward to when I can be around her again. I literally have a tab open in my browser right now counting down until the next day I can see her. As I type this, I keep impatiently checking the clock waiting until the earliest possible time that I can reasonably go to bed so I can hurry up and move on to the next day. I try to distract myself with movies or tv, but I can barely make it 10 minutes before the thoughts creep back in or I reflexively grab my phone so I can wistfully scroll through her Instagram for the millionth time.
I'm spending dozens of hours each week pacing around my home replaying conversations and interactions in my mind. Sometimes I'll think about the things I want to say to her the next time we're together. I'll fantasize about being in a relationship with her and how we can get to that point. I analyze every word spoken, every microexpression, every light touch again and again and again. These thoughts devour everything. It's not uncommon for me to get into this mode, start pacing around, and before I know it 6+ hours have disappeared. It shouldn't come as a shock to say that I'm not eating or drinking anywhere near as much as I should. Doing so just never occurs to me anymore.
Call it a hunch, but none of this sounds too healthy or sustainable.
By the way, this problem extends beyond this one woman. As I said earlier, it's been a long time, but I've gotten like this in the past when I've fallen for someone. I clearly just don't know how to process these feelings in a normal way when they come around.
Removing myself from the situation and putting an end to seeing the woman in question is not an option right now. I'm also not sure that taking action, putting my feelings on the line, and asking her on a date would accomplish much, either. If she says no, she's cool enough that I'm fairly certain it wouldn't ruin anything we have and I would probably just keep obsessing in silence. If she says yes, then I feel like it's only going to feed the beast and give me new material to obsess over. If anything, it might actually make things worse if I were to get what I supposedly want.
How do I stop this cycle and get my life back? And how in the world do normal people fall in love without losing their minds?
I've heard (ahem) the best technique is to imagine the object of your crush has a habit that you find abhorrent, and to continuously imagine them partaking in that habit. E.g if you can't stand smoking, then she not only chain smokes, but unfiltered Camels. Pick something that would be an instant personal red flag for you but is still socially acceptable, so you can still like and be with this person while still recognizing that they're not the right one for you.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:45 AM on April 2, 2018
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:45 AM on April 2, 2018
Single pointed concentration meditation techniques can help loosen the grip that intense emotions have on us. Two commonly recommended techniques are focusing on the breath or additionally counting the breaths from 1 to 10. The free Mindfulness Coach app has a guided mindful breathing exercise that will walk you through it. I find that when my mind is too scattered to stay focused on something as subtle as my breath, adding counting the breaths on either the inhale or exhale is really helpful to stay focused.
posted by jazzbaby at 6:55 AM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by jazzbaby at 6:55 AM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
By the way, this problem extends beyond this one woman. As I said earlier, it's been a long time, but I've gotten like this in the past when I've fallen for someone. I clearly just don't know how to process these feelings in a normal way when they come around.
And how in the world do normal people fall in love without losing their minds?
I'm reminded of, "Ready, normal people?" from Avenue Q. EVERYONE loses their minds when they fall in love. It is like suddenly taking up heroin. It is a high and an addiction and people really just can't stay sane when it happens. It's possibly even worse when you rarely have these feelings in the first place. I don't think there is a "normal" way to "process" or act sane about things unless you just plain don't care. Not caring is the only way to be "cool" about it.
My therapist would tell you not to jump the gun and not count chickens before they hatch and whatnot and just take things as they are coming. I think that's easier to say than do especially in the throes of insanity, but she has a point.
Why can't you ask her out, btw? If you just bit the bullet and asked, you'd at least know if there's hope or not or if you should be working towards getting over it or diving in harder.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:56 AM on April 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
And how in the world do normal people fall in love without losing their minds?
I'm reminded of, "Ready, normal people?" from Avenue Q. EVERYONE loses their minds when they fall in love. It is like suddenly taking up heroin. It is a high and an addiction and people really just can't stay sane when it happens. It's possibly even worse when you rarely have these feelings in the first place. I don't think there is a "normal" way to "process" or act sane about things unless you just plain don't care. Not caring is the only way to be "cool" about it.
My therapist would tell you not to jump the gun and not count chickens before they hatch and whatnot and just take things as they are coming. I think that's easier to say than do especially in the throes of insanity, but she has a point.
Why can't you ask her out, btw? If you just bit the bullet and asked, you'd at least know if there's hope or not or if you should be working towards getting over it or diving in harder.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:56 AM on April 2, 2018 [5 favorites]
Have you talked to her? You really should. It sounds as though she cares for you a lot too, and even if she doesn't want anything more to come of it she is not going to judge you for telling her that your feelings are growing stronger.
Tell her. It's the only way to know and stop kicking yourself.
posted by 0bvious at 7:08 AM on April 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
Tell her. It's the only way to know and stop kicking yourself.
posted by 0bvious at 7:08 AM on April 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
If she says yes, then I feel like it's only going to feed the beast and give me new material to obsess over. If anything, it might actually make things worse if I were to get what I supposedly want.
You sound as if you're saying you don't want this state of obsession even if she says yes.
Only you know if, for you, the nearly painful insanity of limerence in a new relationship is a desirable goal. You might be saying you don't want that, even reciprocally -- that you don't want the overwhelm of it. If that's true, you are allowed not to want it, and if that's the case, follow the advice about how to get over this/distract yourself.
But also remember that when it is reciprocal, crazy-making obsessive limerence of a new relationship can be a huge fun joy of life. And then, if you stay with the person for a while, it dies down in craziness and potentially turns into something deeper, where you once again can see friends, do laundry, sleep, eat and think about the world again.
Only you know if this is something you want to risk trying to get. But it does seem important to acknowledge that the state you're in now doesn't (usually) remain exactly as it is now if you do start a relationship.
posted by velveeta underground at 7:15 AM on April 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
You sound as if you're saying you don't want this state of obsession even if she says yes.
Only you know if, for you, the nearly painful insanity of limerence in a new relationship is a desirable goal. You might be saying you don't want that, even reciprocally -- that you don't want the overwhelm of it. If that's true, you are allowed not to want it, and if that's the case, follow the advice about how to get over this/distract yourself.
But also remember that when it is reciprocal, crazy-making obsessive limerence of a new relationship can be a huge fun joy of life. And then, if you stay with the person for a while, it dies down in craziness and potentially turns into something deeper, where you once again can see friends, do laundry, sleep, eat and think about the world again.
Only you know if this is something you want to risk trying to get. But it does seem important to acknowledge that the state you're in now doesn't (usually) remain exactly as it is now if you do start a relationship.
posted by velveeta underground at 7:15 AM on April 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
I've had success dealing with this in the past by letting myself just appreciate that state of mind.
In the course of a whole life lived and long term relationships experienced, it's both a pretty special and also a fairly short-term thing. Maybe you can afford to swoon for a bit. Sometimes, letting myself feel a thing also releases some of its grip on me. Like I can say, "Oh, I'm swooning right now! All I want to do is swoon! I'm just going to let myself swoon for a little while." And then I can get back to doing the stuff I have to get done.
Similarly, I have a hard time for whatever reason distinguishing between anxiety and excitement -- like my neural path for excitement has a lot of exit ramps onto the neural path for anxiety. So I might be swooning but interpret it, experience, or translate it as anxiety. If I just remind myself that the feeling I'm having is one of excitement, I can not only hang out a little more in the moment and enjoy it while I'm there but I can also let it go more easily, and then I can carry on with my day knowing that I'm looking forward to possibilities that are at least pleasant to imagine, even if they may not pan out in the end.
posted by pinkacademic at 7:54 AM on April 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
In the course of a whole life lived and long term relationships experienced, it's both a pretty special and also a fairly short-term thing. Maybe you can afford to swoon for a bit. Sometimes, letting myself feel a thing also releases some of its grip on me. Like I can say, "Oh, I'm swooning right now! All I want to do is swoon! I'm just going to let myself swoon for a little while." And then I can get back to doing the stuff I have to get done.
Similarly, I have a hard time for whatever reason distinguishing between anxiety and excitement -- like my neural path for excitement has a lot of exit ramps onto the neural path for anxiety. So I might be swooning but interpret it, experience, or translate it as anxiety. If I just remind myself that the feeling I'm having is one of excitement, I can not only hang out a little more in the moment and enjoy it while I'm there but I can also let it go more easily, and then I can carry on with my day knowing that I'm looking forward to possibilities that are at least pleasant to imagine, even if they may not pan out in the end.
posted by pinkacademic at 7:54 AM on April 2, 2018 [9 favorites]
Nthing try asking her out. You're both single, you already get along well, timing can be one of those things that can be handled as a couple (if it happens).
As your friendship is important, a mix of sincerity and toned-down expectancy might be best: "I really appreciate the time we spend together, and I'd like to get to know you better, if you'd like that too?" It leaves several doors open and keeps mutual respect and friendship front and center.
If it really, really is not a good time (can grok there are times that happens), then yes, letting yourself just appreciate the experience / state of mind works well too.
posted by fraula at 8:00 AM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
As your friendship is important, a mix of sincerity and toned-down expectancy might be best: "I really appreciate the time we spend together, and I'd like to get to know you better, if you'd like that too?" It leaves several doors open and keeps mutual respect and friendship front and center.
If it really, really is not a good time (can grok there are times that happens), then yes, letting yourself just appreciate the experience / state of mind works well too.
posted by fraula at 8:00 AM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
A former therapist calls this Serotonin-induced cognitive impairment (or Sicki, for short) and encouraged me never to go spend an entire weekend with someone I had just recently started dating, for example, because it is easier to get a crush/develop an obsession with someone you spend so much time with.
If you prefer not to ask her out, can you reduce the amount of time you are spending with her and fill that time with other friends and/or other activities that you also find pleasurable?
I get friend crushes on fabulous new buddies with a fair amount of regularity. Over time my system gets used to the new friend as the friend becomes a regular friend and the crush wears off. But that is me, not you, and a friend crush, not a romantic crush. With romantic crushes that I know are doomed (or unhealthy) I try (but don't always succeed) in limiting my contact with the person and training myself to reach out to that person less or not at all and to others instead.
This doesn't sound easy. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 8:47 AM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
If you prefer not to ask her out, can you reduce the amount of time you are spending with her and fill that time with other friends and/or other activities that you also find pleasurable?
I get friend crushes on fabulous new buddies with a fair amount of regularity. Over time my system gets used to the new friend as the friend becomes a regular friend and the crush wears off. But that is me, not you, and a friend crush, not a romantic crush. With romantic crushes that I know are doomed (or unhealthy) I try (but don't always succeed) in limiting my contact with the person and training myself to reach out to that person less or not at all and to others instead.
This doesn't sound easy. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 8:47 AM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
I've gotten to the point where I'm only able to do the baseline minimum in regards to any other life responsibilities, including being mentally present during time with family and other friends. Any hobbies are completely being ignored.
I'd start here-- force yourself to be a whole person again (you can think about her while you're bowling or at happy hour or whatever, we all do stuff like that.) Just go do other stuff.
posted by kapers at 9:15 AM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'd start here-- force yourself to be a whole person again (you can think about her while you're bowling or at happy hour or whatever, we all do stuff like that.) Just go do other stuff.
posted by kapers at 9:15 AM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some of the books and articles about breaking habits might be good for toning down habitual thoughts.
posted by puddledork at 10:07 AM on April 2, 2018
posted by puddledork at 10:07 AM on April 2, 2018
You don't say why it's not the right time, so feel free to disregard, but: If you can, I think you should try playing the field, at least a little bit. Don't expect anything from it beyond some basic confidence building and distraction. Eventually, you'll have an amusing anecdote or two about your travails, and that *might* flip a switch in her head to start seeing you as desirable, but don't go into it with the sole intention of making your One True Love jealous because it won't work.
posted by whuppy at 11:25 AM on April 2, 2018
posted by whuppy at 11:25 AM on April 2, 2018
I clearly just don't know how to process these feelings in a normal way when they come around.
There are vast bodies of literature devoted to these feelings that support the idea that the way you're processing them is, in fact, completely normal.
Perhaps not helpful or skilful or useful, but absolutely normal all the same.
So yeah, this obsession is messing with your life and all, but you have no cause to beat yourself up just for having it. To quote every unhelpful Microsoft tech support article ever written: "this behavior is by design".
how in the world do normal people fall in love without losing their minds?
Never met one who hasn't.
posted by flabdablet at 11:32 AM on April 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
There are vast bodies of literature devoted to these feelings that support the idea that the way you're processing them is, in fact, completely normal.
Perhaps not helpful or skilful or useful, but absolutely normal all the same.
So yeah, this obsession is messing with your life and all, but you have no cause to beat yourself up just for having it. To quote every unhelpful Microsoft tech support article ever written: "this behavior is by design".
how in the world do normal people fall in love without losing their minds?
Never met one who hasn't.
posted by flabdablet at 11:32 AM on April 2, 2018 [3 favorites]
I think you are in a mental rut with this person. There's something comforting and stimulating about your thought process and every time you go down into this rut you reinforce it. You're tired of it, but you're also sort of addicted to it.
Some concrete suggestions:
- Stop following her on Instagram. You see her multiple times per week, you don't need to follow her on social media. Maybe take a break from Instagram if that makes it easier.
- You say you are "inseparable" when you see each other during these days. Work to connect to other people there. Don't go directly to chatting with her, chat with someone else first. Talk to someone new/different each time. Etc. The idea is don't push her away or stop talking to her all together, but work outside of your little two-person clique.
- When you notice you're in that "pace around and obsess mode" or heading toward it, take a deep breath. Is there something else you might rather go do just then? Think of a set of quick-starting activities you might move to instead like coloring, or jumping jacks, drink a glass of water, just stepping outside for a breath of fresh air.
- If you find yourself analyzing a word she said or a tiny thing she did, take a deep breath and say a mantra to help you release the thought pattern. Something like "she's a person and so am I and isn't the world just something!" Then get up and move somewhere else and do something else (like drink a glass of water or eat a snack, etc).
- Forgive yourself for getting here. Try saying out loud "it's okay that I'm in this mental space, but I want to move away from it."
posted by ewok_academy at 11:43 AM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
Some concrete suggestions:
- Stop following her on Instagram. You see her multiple times per week, you don't need to follow her on social media. Maybe take a break from Instagram if that makes it easier.
- You say you are "inseparable" when you see each other during these days. Work to connect to other people there. Don't go directly to chatting with her, chat with someone else first. Talk to someone new/different each time. Etc. The idea is don't push her away or stop talking to her all together, but work outside of your little two-person clique.
- When you notice you're in that "pace around and obsess mode" or heading toward it, take a deep breath. Is there something else you might rather go do just then? Think of a set of quick-starting activities you might move to instead like coloring, or jumping jacks, drink a glass of water, just stepping outside for a breath of fresh air.
- If you find yourself analyzing a word she said or a tiny thing she did, take a deep breath and say a mantra to help you release the thought pattern. Something like "she's a person and so am I and isn't the world just something!" Then get up and move somewhere else and do something else (like drink a glass of water or eat a snack, etc).
- Forgive yourself for getting here. Try saying out loud "it's okay that I'm in this mental space, but I want to move away from it."
posted by ewok_academy at 11:43 AM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
I've felt this kind of limerance in and out of relationships so I know how maddening, painful, disruptive and claustrophobic it is. At the same time, you are no longer her friend if you have a countdown timer on your laptop ticking off the seconds until you see her again. How do you think she would react if she saw that? Would she be creeped out to know you've visited her Instagram a thousand thousand times? Do you think she'd be rightfully freaked if she saw you walking back and forth in your house for six hours, replaying conversations you had the day before?
You aren't treating her like a person. You've built her into a wish fulfillment fantasy. That's gross, and if you care about her you'll knock it off pronto. You need to take concrete steps to humanize her, distract yourself and build some distance.
Are you absolutely sure you have to see her so much? Or is that just a convenient excuse to keep your obsession going?
Get off her social media. No more timers. If you find yourself pacing, stop and go do something else. Now is a great time to get a new hobby, work out, join a club and go on lots of dates with other people. TV and films aren't active or mindful enough, you need activities that will build new strong neural connections to override this rut, these associations.
Decide for yourself that dating her is not an option. Don't put it in her hands! That's Entitlement 101! Leaving a flicker of hope where she is solely responsible for the outcome is a powderkeg for future resentment.
You don't sound like a misogynist, but you're pretty much following the "what a bitch, amirite?" playbook right now. I would be horrified to find out a friend had a crush on me and was doing these things. These behaviors set off huge red flags. I'd worry about future stalking and harassment. Not to mention, you were harboring secret feelings for months and said nothing? All that time I thought we were building our friendship, you were using those moments for your secret fantasyland? Where are your communication skills?
Ask her out and get shot down. Kill the secret. You need to hear a strong NO so you can curb this now. Also, get your ass into therapy. I stopped feeling this way when I learned how to set good boundaries, speak directly, and make my life complex and fulfilling without a partner (though I love my dates!) When you can bring this stuff to light right away, it never gets a chance to fester. Good luck! You can do this!
posted by fritillary at 12:29 PM on April 2, 2018 [6 favorites]
You aren't treating her like a person. You've built her into a wish fulfillment fantasy. That's gross, and if you care about her you'll knock it off pronto. You need to take concrete steps to humanize her, distract yourself and build some distance.
Are you absolutely sure you have to see her so much? Or is that just a convenient excuse to keep your obsession going?
Get off her social media. No more timers. If you find yourself pacing, stop and go do something else. Now is a great time to get a new hobby, work out, join a club and go on lots of dates with other people. TV and films aren't active or mindful enough, you need activities that will build new strong neural connections to override this rut, these associations.
Decide for yourself that dating her is not an option. Don't put it in her hands! That's Entitlement 101! Leaving a flicker of hope where she is solely responsible for the outcome is a powderkeg for future resentment.
You don't sound like a misogynist, but you're pretty much following the "what a bitch, amirite?" playbook right now. I would be horrified to find out a friend had a crush on me and was doing these things. These behaviors set off huge red flags. I'd worry about future stalking and harassment. Not to mention, you were harboring secret feelings for months and said nothing? All that time I thought we were building our friendship, you were using those moments for your secret fantasyland? Where are your communication skills?
Ask her out and get shot down. Kill the secret. You need to hear a strong NO so you can curb this now. Also, get your ass into therapy. I stopped feeling this way when I learned how to set good boundaries, speak directly, and make my life complex and fulfilling without a partner (though I love my dates!) When you can bring this stuff to light right away, it never gets a chance to fester. Good luck! You can do this!
posted by fritillary at 12:29 PM on April 2, 2018 [6 favorites]
I wouldn't immediately worry about stalking from someone doing this who I liked (even if not that way), but I would worry Are They Okay quite a lot. You've mentioned doing this about other women in the past. Is it really restricted only to relationships? I would have said that I've definitely had lots of all-consuming crushes before, even to an unhealthy degree, but like--not so all-consuming that I don't eat.
Have a good look at the rest of your life. Is this just how you feel about women, or is there a possibility that this is related to some kind of anxiety problem, or OCD, or bipolar disorder? I'm not saying it 100% is, just--intrusive, obsessive thinking is potentially a symptom of something bigger and since those bigger things can be really unpleasant and destructive, it's far better to have the a-ha moment sooner if it applies, rather than after you're dealing with serious work or family problems because of the obsessive thinking.
posted by Sequence at 12:45 PM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
Have a good look at the rest of your life. Is this just how you feel about women, or is there a possibility that this is related to some kind of anxiety problem, or OCD, or bipolar disorder? I'm not saying it 100% is, just--intrusive, obsessive thinking is potentially a symptom of something bigger and since those bigger things can be really unpleasant and destructive, it's far better to have the a-ha moment sooner if it applies, rather than after you're dealing with serious work or family problems because of the obsessive thinking.
posted by Sequence at 12:45 PM on April 2, 2018 [2 favorites]
There is a school of thought that says when we get obsessive about something/someone, it's because there is something else in our life we're trying to avoid so we fixate as a way of distracting ourselves from the actual problem. So. Is there anything else going on? If you deal with it the crush might dissipate.
posted by Jubey at 2:17 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 2:17 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's not uncommon for me to get into this mode, start pacing around, and before I know it 6+ hours have disappeared. It shouldn't come as a shock to say that I'm not eating or drinking anywhere near as much as I should.
Six hours?? You're not busy enough. You need some hobby that requires your full mental attention. TV and surfing the web ain't it. You need something like rock climbing, mountain biking, etc. There are high consequences if you're thinking about something else. Plus you'll be physically exhausted, you'll sleep better, you'll be hungrier, and you'll get all the other ancillary benefits of exercise.
If the weather or your physical ability isn't conducive to this, I'm sure other people can come up with some ideas. Maybe woodworking? Better not get distracted when you're using a circular saw.
Anyway, you've lived through this before and you will live through this one, whatever happens. I think you need to calm down before you ask her out, because if she says no, it will be a huge emotional crash from the high you're on now.
posted by AFABulous at 2:29 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
Six hours?? You're not busy enough. You need some hobby that requires your full mental attention. TV and surfing the web ain't it. You need something like rock climbing, mountain biking, etc. There are high consequences if you're thinking about something else. Plus you'll be physically exhausted, you'll sleep better, you'll be hungrier, and you'll get all the other ancillary benefits of exercise.
If the weather or your physical ability isn't conducive to this, I'm sure other people can come up with some ideas. Maybe woodworking? Better not get distracted when you're using a circular saw.
Anyway, you've lived through this before and you will live through this one, whatever happens. I think you need to calm down before you ask her out, because if she says no, it will be a huge emotional crash from the high you're on now.
posted by AFABulous at 2:29 PM on April 2, 2018 [1 favorite]
Do you have ADHD? Hyperfocusing on crushes is a thing.
posted by jessca84 at 8:55 PM on April 2, 2018
posted by jessca84 at 8:55 PM on April 2, 2018
I'm going through something fairly similar! I only see my crush about six hours a week, but I think about him constantly. Well, it's getting better. Partly through time, partly through exposure (details about him I don't especially like came to the surface), but mostly through working on my own stuff.
Beyond her pretty face and the fun conversations you have with her, what about this woman are you attracted to? What needs are being met by her presence in your life, and how can you explore or meet those needs on your own? What kinds of things exist in your dream life with her can you bring into your life without her?
This kind of introspection is HARD, but can really be worth it. It's not an instant fix, but can help you create some distance.
For me, I thought my crush would be a gateway to a more spiritually engaged life. Well, I didn't consciously think that for the first few weeks, but once I realized that the version of him in my head was just my own needs wearing his face as a disguise. When I worked on identifying and addressing those needs, I had a way to obsess about myself and my own growth. I didn't stop feeling in love with my crush, but I could be in love with him in a more giving, open-handed way.
Another thing I did was turn my obsessive thoughts into art. I already had the habit of writing down obsessive/cycling thoughts and taping them to my wall. Writing them down made them "permanent", so my brain didn't have to keep thinking them, I can look at them whenever I want (which is very seldom). Writing to process my crush was good, but I also put short phrases of text into After Effects and animated them to match how I was feeling. Choice phrases I've used include "because it hurts less than looking inside", "Compassion for and patience with myself", "And then I remember I'm damaged", and "thanks for the spiritual awakening, asshat". As I worked on the various pieces, I was engaging with my crush in a sideways way, and also pushing to develop my skills as an artist as, through trial and error and error and error, went deep into the projects to make them look just right. Try to find a way to put your love and tension into something creative, even (especially!) if she'll never see it.
Mindfulness and meditation are great, but those exercises are way more useful if (at other times), you're doing introspection for processing your thoughts and feelings and finding self acceptance. Instead of treating your crush like a monolith you want to quash all at once, see it as its component parts, some of which are easier to dissolve than others.
Work on fixing points of stress in other parts of your life. Make more room to be comfortable. Speak up about things that are bothering you. Take on those annoying projects that would improve your quality of life but you keep putting off because they seem like too much trouble. The less you're stressed about other bullshit, the less you'll want to be escaping into the fantasy of your "relationship" with this woman.
Last of all, more exercise. Force yourself to at least *start* a workout 3-4 days a week. I hate running, especially on a treadmill, but turns out that if I make it through the first 10 minutes, I find my groove.
posted by itesser at 9:01 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
Beyond her pretty face and the fun conversations you have with her, what about this woman are you attracted to? What needs are being met by her presence in your life, and how can you explore or meet those needs on your own? What kinds of things exist in your dream life with her can you bring into your life without her?
This kind of introspection is HARD, but can really be worth it. It's not an instant fix, but can help you create some distance.
For me, I thought my crush would be a gateway to a more spiritually engaged life. Well, I didn't consciously think that for the first few weeks, but once I realized that the version of him in my head was just my own needs wearing his face as a disguise. When I worked on identifying and addressing those needs, I had a way to obsess about myself and my own growth. I didn't stop feeling in love with my crush, but I could be in love with him in a more giving, open-handed way.
Another thing I did was turn my obsessive thoughts into art. I already had the habit of writing down obsessive/cycling thoughts and taping them to my wall. Writing them down made them "permanent", so my brain didn't have to keep thinking them, I can look at them whenever I want (which is very seldom). Writing to process my crush was good, but I also put short phrases of text into After Effects and animated them to match how I was feeling. Choice phrases I've used include "because it hurts less than looking inside", "Compassion for and patience with myself", "And then I remember I'm damaged", and "thanks for the spiritual awakening, asshat". As I worked on the various pieces, I was engaging with my crush in a sideways way, and also pushing to develop my skills as an artist as, through trial and error and error and error, went deep into the projects to make them look just right. Try to find a way to put your love and tension into something creative, even (especially!) if she'll never see it.
Mindfulness and meditation are great, but those exercises are way more useful if (at other times), you're doing introspection for processing your thoughts and feelings and finding self acceptance. Instead of treating your crush like a monolith you want to quash all at once, see it as its component parts, some of which are easier to dissolve than others.
Work on fixing points of stress in other parts of your life. Make more room to be comfortable. Speak up about things that are bothering you. Take on those annoying projects that would improve your quality of life but you keep putting off because they seem like too much trouble. The less you're stressed about other bullshit, the less you'll want to be escaping into the fantasy of your "relationship" with this woman.
Last of all, more exercise. Force yourself to at least *start* a workout 3-4 days a week. I hate running, especially on a treadmill, but turns out that if I make it through the first 10 minutes, I find my groove.
posted by itesser at 9:01 PM on April 2, 2018 [4 favorites]
How to Tell the Difference Between Healthy and Obsessive Passion
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:30 PM on April 2, 2018
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:30 PM on April 2, 2018
Why not tell your friend that being around her brings up difficult emotions that you cannot process, and then asking for some distance between you. Reassure her that she did not do or say anything wrong, but that the amount of time you spend together is making it hard for you to pursue interests outside of the friendship.
You might find therapy useful, as well. It's a great way to change how you feel about things, when you can't change the things themselves.
posted by Mr. Fig at 2:08 PM on April 3, 2018
You might find therapy useful, as well. It's a great way to change how you feel about things, when you can't change the things themselves.
posted by Mr. Fig at 2:08 PM on April 3, 2018
Every single crush I told ended or irrevocably changed the friendship, btw. Either ask her out or not but don't tell her and expect the friendship to go on as it has. It's not even an equal friendship now, since she (unwittingly) has so much power over you.
posted by AFABulous at 9:21 AM on April 4, 2018
posted by AFABulous at 9:21 AM on April 4, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
Another thought would be to approach some sort of counseling or therapy. I recommend DBT as it's not just sitting and chatting on a couch, but learning practical skills.
I really hope this gets better for you. I know firsthand how all-encompassing and powerful these feelings are.
posted by Draccy at 6:00 AM on April 2, 2018 [3 favorites]