How can help my friend stop her slide into addict-hood?

February 3, 2006 2:16 PM

My friend has gone from an occasional cocaine user to a regular (daily) user. As someone who has experimented with drugs, I never felt comfortable getting overly moralistic with her about her cocaine use, even though it always bothered me. But she's gotten to the point where she is snorting a few times an hour every night and almost all weekend.

She claims to not be addicted, and that its "not a problem", but i just don't buy it. On the face of it, she is at worst a "functional addict" (ie goes to work every day, leads a generally responsible life outside the drug use), but I can just see it escalating to something worse.

How can I convince her to (at the least) cut down (or at best) cut out the coke, without alienating her as a friend? If she's angry with me I can't help her. Can I help her at all?

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (19 comments total)

If you want to intervene without offending, you might just say that you are concerned that her cocaine use is escalating into an addiction, and that it would be a good idea for her to take a break for a week or two to assess her use and make sure it really is "not a problem."

I say this because it sounds like she is addicted, but you will might get farther if you act like you are giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Others will likely say that addicts often don't stop without a more intense intervention, but it is also true that she has to want to stop if you are going to help her. She may be less hesitant to "take a break," than to quit outright.
posted by mai at 2:39 PM on February 3, 2006

I forgot to add that hopefully if she does try to take a break, she will either gain some perspective and realize she needs to be more careful or find it hard to stop and realize she has a problem.
posted by mai at 2:41 PM on February 3, 2006

I wish I could give you an easy answer but there isn't one. I've been in this situation with people, and my answer was always to not ever say it was okay, not to enable, and not to be around them when they are 'out of control'. Try to spend as much sober time with them as you can.

You can't fix people. They have to want to stop, and most people will not stop until they face consequences, and often that doesn't make a difference either.

Also, in my experience, there is no such thing as an occasional cocaine user (or an occasional crystal meth user). Either they are eventually going to quit or they are going to become full blown addicts. There's no middle ground, and there's no way to maintain it.
posted by empath at 2:45 PM on February 3, 2006

a few times an hour!!! every night? that's beyond addicted, that's stupid!

My best friend in high school got into cocaine and one day he called me up not sounding very hot and said he was having a heart attack (at 17). I took him to the hospital and we waited in the waiting room for an hour. The pains subsided and he decided that he didn't want to see a doctor for fear of having to explain the pains were from illicit drugs. So we left.

I personally have never wanted to snort anything up my nose, but that feeling of complete helplessness on the way to the hospital and him moaning and clutching his chest will keep me from it permanently.

And he certainly never got to the few times an hour dosage.

Seriously, this isn't something to mess around with. I don't know what your relationship is like, but I'd do everything in my power to get her to cut it out completely. The most potent thing might be to hold a mirror up to her. I read a book whose author saw a videotape of himself the night before while drinking and saw what a fool he was becoming as he got more and more drunk. And all that time he thought he was the life of the party. That video convinced him to quit drinking. I understand that coke boosts the ego, so maybe having her star in her own video could be an option?

I'd also call up some treatment centers anonymously and see what they have to say. I would personally sacrifice the friendship to get her off the stuff.
posted by iurodivii at 2:56 PM on February 3, 2006

You can't fix people. They have to want to stop, and most people will not stop until they face consequences, and often that doesn't make a difference either.

Also, in my experience, there is no such thing as an occasional cocaine user (or an occasional crystal meth user). Either they are eventually going to quit or they are going to become full blown addicts. There's no middle ground, and there's no way to maintain it.

Yes, yes, yes and, oh yeah, yes.
posted by frogan at 3:09 PM on February 3, 2006

Denial is a very powerful defense mechanism. And there's nothing more extraordinary than the denial of a person with an addiction who doesn't want to see it. I find that people ususally need to have some kind of experience to show themselves that they have a problem. This is called "hitting bottom" in the addiction field. Sometimes that's an arrest, a blackout, a lost job - it's kind of a wake up call. Friends and loved ones always hope that the "bottoming out" experience won't be too devastating (i.e., permanent disability, prison, etc.).

Sometimes family members put together interventions, which give the addicted person the opportunity to hear how their community is affected by what they're doing, and gives the members of the community the opportunity to work out how to help themselves in their interactions with the addict.

You could try going to an Alanon or Narcanon meeting, where people are trying to figure out how to live their own lives while also being concerned about a loved one.
posted by jasper411 at 3:33 PM on February 3, 2006

That is one of the hardest drugs to stop. It messes with the most basic biological drives; the brain comes to associate it with the fundamentals of just being alive. The brain says, "You need water, you're terribly thirsty...get cocaine NOW or you will DIE." Quitting cocaine is, apparently, very much like starving to death and dying of thirst at the same time, for ages. (weeks? I'm not sure how long the detox takes.)

That kind of habit has got to be costing her a huge amount of money. She can maintain it for awhile, with credit cards, but the money pressure is going to get dire. Unless she's fabulously well-paid, she's likely to become a thief. We would steal food to live... she will steal anything that's not nailed down for coke money.

It strikes me as very likely that she's already a full blown addict, whether she realizes it or not. If she has keys to anything you care about, get the locks changed. Close any accounts you may have jointly. Make sure she can't get at your money or your assets... and don't ever lend her money. A) you won't get it back. and B) you're just helping her a little further down a very dark path.

You need to realize that there is a definite chance that she's going to die. It is virtually certain you will not be able to remain friends with her, once her need for coke exceeds her available money supply. If you take the above steps to protect yourself now -- making sure she can't screw you over -- you may be able to save the friendship, if she survives.

There is very little you can do beyond protect yourself... and perhaps point her to this thread. She's going to a place you really don't want to follow.
posted by Malor at 6:05 PM on February 3, 2006

she's an addict ... i suggest you tell her that ... i also suggest that you be prepared for the probable reaction that she won't believe you and may resent you for telling her so ... be prepared to hear many excuses and justifications ... do not believe them

of course you want to say it with a lot of compassion and caring ... but you need to be blunt about it

you may lose her as a friend ... but you're losing her anyway

i lived with a crack addict ... nothing worked until her stealing got the police involved
posted by pyramid termite at 9:21 PM on February 3, 2006

The above advise is good. If it doesn't work, and quickly. get the hell away asap. Friends who go down that road can't be trusted.

I've watched two friends bottom out, and couldn't help either of them. No mater what I said or did it just got worse.

Both are clean now, but in the end they had to help themselves.
posted by y6y6y6 at 11:45 PM on February 3, 2006

All of the above seems sound advice--I don't have the experience some of these fine folks do, but one thing that occurs to me, especially regarding comments about not enabling, risking the friendship, etc.:

Are you scared for your friend? Do you love her and want her to get clean? Do you think she's out of control? I would think that a little bit of anger might not be unreasonable. She will, it seems pretty clear, go down the road to involvement with the law, or worse. It might be time to get a little pissed off.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 5:01 AM on February 4, 2006

I don't know - I've known lots of perfectly functional coke users who never got into the losejob-losefriends-stealallthemoney thing even a little bit. They remain good friends and wonderful people.

I might wonder sometimes if some of the choices related to other things weren't negatively affected by the money spent on coke, but that's a different order of problem.

The thing about coke users when they're using is that they're generally incredibly boring. Amped as all hell, but once you see the patterns, they're very obvious and very tiring for non-users, even non-users who drink side-by-side.

I would find a time to have a talk. Not a heavy 'OMG I'm so worried about you you're throwing away your life' kind of talk - more of a subtle 'geez that's crazy how much you're using and just in case you don't know, it is obvious in such and such a way, so if you think you're hiding anything, you're not.' Also, call her on her lies (she'll lie about how much she uses). Don't be dramatic about it, just make sure she knows that you know she's become a liar at least about this.
posted by mikel at 5:16 AM on February 4, 2006

Don't stay silent like I did. My friend eventually figured things out on his own (well, due to a mutual friend who did pretty much bottom out) but I wish I had said something sooner.
posted by melt away at 6:07 AM on February 4, 2006

This is not a knock on you, Anon, but the tenor of your request suggests you haven't seen a friend become a drug addict before. Brace yourself.

This is going to be a milepost in your life as well as hers, and will quite likely take a lot out of you. Know that there are many many many people in your shoes right now - trying to help someone they care about - and they have resources (books, groups, services, etc.) that may help share the burden.

Your addict friend is like millions of others, too. There are no exceptional cases of drug addiction. Your friend is just like all the others, with minor cosmetic differences.

How can I convince her to (at the least) cut down (or at best) cut out the coke, without alienating her as a friend?

If you're afraid of making her angry, you may have hamstrung yourself. Because to a coke fan the only acceptable responses from friends are:

1. silence
2. "let's chop some rails"

So what do you really have to lose?
posted by sacre_bleu at 6:19 AM on February 4, 2006

a few times an hour!!! every night? that's beyond addicted, that's stupid!

Uh, no it's not. Coke's effects wear off in like, 20 minutes, so logically she'd be doing it multiple times a night.

That is one of the hardest drugs to stop. It messes with the most basic biological drives; the brain comes to associate it with the fundamentals of just being alive. The brain says, "You need water, you're terribly thirsty...get cocaine NOW or you will DIE." Quitting cocaine is, apparently, very much like starving to death and dying of thirst at the same time, for ages. (weeks? I'm not sure how long the detox takes.)

The weird thing is, for many people this is true, but I can go on a binge, or do it once after a while, it really doesn't matter, I've just never had a problem with it. I can do it for two days then stop for 6 months and never feel a thing...don't know if it's my body chemistry or what, but I've never had the cravings. Just the regular desire.

Now, I think the advice given thus far is not good. You're not really putting yourself in the frame of mind of the addict, or the person at the very least losing control. You have to trick them, essentially, so that they realise afterwards, like this:

When you propose taking a break or cutting down, do not phrase it like motherly advice like everyone is suggesting. It only alienates both of you further. It has to be more on an equal level, and more of a 'challenge.'

Like, "okay, you say you don't have a problem--why don't you prove it to me? It's entirely up to you, but I'll certainly be off your back if you can show me that you know when's the time and when isn't." Or something like that.

Don't be dogging them all the time. And when you're hanging out with them, don't always be 'visibly distraught' because of it. Show them that you respect them as a person, besides their habits, and they'll respect your opinion more. Otherwise, to them, it's not they who have changed, it's you who have changed--'all' you focus on is the coke now, 'you' can never have any fun anymore, etc.
posted by Lockeownzj00 at 8:34 AM on February 4, 2006

Also, in my experience, there is no such thing as an occasional cocaine user

mm, not my experience. I've never tried it because I'm prone to seizures & have always been told it'd be very dangerous for me, but I think majority of my friends have tried it at some point or other, and some of them have had periods where they used it semi-regularly on weekends or whatever. Also, taking 'bumps' as the night goes on is normal; what's not really normal here is the use of it every day. That is just a bad idea.

As mikel suggested, I'd stress the practical, personal concerns, not things that will sound overlyl dramatic and moral-panicked. People on coke are annoying and self-obsessed to those not on coke - it's generally true that whoever's on drugs is less interesting to whoever's sober, but this is especially true with coke, because the purpose or effect of the drug is not to make you relax or love people or be fascinated by the world but to make you feel like a powerful motherfucker, and that is just way less interesting to the people on the outside. So I would address the social issue of her use as much as the medical concerns. Also: expenses should be taken into account - how much is she spending?

Maybe a strong-armed approach/intervention is what some people need, but I would at least begin by just suggesting she take a break from it, try a couple weeks off just to be sure that her body chemistry and/or her lifestyle are not getting fucked up by it. If she is using every day, it is more than an occasional indulgence, so she should at least be fully aware of what she's doing.

IN the end, though, I do think it's possible to use drugs on a regular basis and still 'function'; I've known people who've done this with harder drugs, and probably everyone knows someone who has a couple glasses of wine or liquor every day. I personally don't think this is a great way to live, but people do live this way, so at some point part of it may come down to whether this is the kind of friend you want in your life, etc, rather than whether you can save her from an inevitable downward spiral, because if the rest of her life is on track, she may not spiral down like that (think wall street brokers in the 80s, etc)
posted by mdn at 10:49 AM on February 4, 2006

Depending on the situation, can you perhaps entice her on a holiday (maybe with some friends for moral support) to some place where she won't be able to score coke, and won't be able to take it with her (a surprise holiday might help with the latter)?

Perhaps a week or so of enforced clean living might give her a little perspective? Needless to say, just in case she does score or sneak some along, don't go to Thailand.

Alternatively, Google for Ibogaine therapy? I've only heard anecdotal evidence on the internet but from what I've read it seems like a bit of a wonder drug for hardcore addiction.
posted by BishopsLoveScifi at 1:22 PM on February 4, 2006

Everyone's different. But daily use? She's wearing a monkey, and the longer she does it, the harder it's going to be to stop. I sympathize -- it's easy to get there if you have the right friends.

Occasional use of anything is possible, it's true, as others have mentioned. But your friend is a daily user. That's a whole different animal.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:16 PM on February 4, 2006

I've known people who've been addicted (I thought cocaine was only psychologically addicting for the most part, we're not talk vomiting and shaking here) -- they said it takes about 5 days for a heavy (mostly every night) user to no longer feel the need to use cocaine to finish up the night. They said that hwen you just realize that you can't do it (source dried up, etc.) it's not that bad and fairly easy to quit. Everyone I know who really got into cocaine always had their dealer get busted within a year and then stopped doing cocaine entirely. I find economic factors the biggest factor in whether someone can't deal with cocaine, by that I mean if they have money or a way of paying for it that doesn't harm their way of life it's not a big deal -- and most non-students (or ones with rich parents) who have upper-middle class jobs could support such a habit.
posted by geoff. at 11:49 AM on February 6, 2006

Getting into this thread a little late.

If it's any comfort, I know plenty of occasional users that never wound up addicts. And habitual users who worried their friends for a bit, then got bored/poor and never really got back into it. And former addicts who quit except for the occasional celebratory bump. (Worth noting that crack is a whole different story.)

Also, what geoff said. Most people wander away from it the first time their source gets busted or when they don't want to pay for it anymore.

The important question is: how long has she been on this every night kick? A few days? A week? A month?
posted by desuetude at 6:02 PM on February 8, 2006