How to make friends as newish parents in a new place

March 23, 2018 8:56 PM

We moved near NYC on the Jersey side 3 years ago when our daughter was born. Since then it's been juggling responsibilities and life. We currently find ourselves looking for a richer social life but aren't sure how to find good new friends anymore. How do we find groups that we can have regular activities with? How do we build actual close friendships when we have comparatively less time? What has been your experience? What worked and what hasn't?
posted by blueyellow to Human Relations (5 answers total)

This is with the caveat that people where I live aren’t well known for being friendly. I’ve found it difficult to make friends because I find that people with young children have to suit themselves only all the time so unless they run an identical routine you never get to meet. Then factor in cold and flu season where you have to cancel 90 percent of plans. It’s tough- don’t feel you’re doing anything wrong. I suggest you find the face group or meet up group for parents/moms in your area- we have quite an active group in my city.
posted by catspajammies at 10:30 PM on March 23, 2018

I know that Facebook isn't exactly popular right now but Facebook has been the answer to this for me. I joined a couple local mom's groups on Facebook (they're often hidden groups so you might have to ask around) and now I feel like I have more social activity than I know what to do with!
posted by peacheater at 1:37 AM on March 24, 2018

Clubs, classes, meetups. Google your locality and nearby localities with "parents" "parents club" "parents" meetup" "parents group" "moms club".....etc . The local mothers club I joined organized regularly meeting playgroups with similarly aged children, as well as evening moms nights out, bookclubs etc.

Libraries are great for having regular storytimes and other activities.

There are lots of places like Gymboree, The Little Gym, YMCA, etc. that have activity classes for kids with parents.

Once you find some groups, classes, activities......then you have to go! If you want a richer social life you really have to prioritize it, once you commit to a plan make yourself go even if you don't feel like it in the moment. Once you go, then you have to talk to people! Kids provide great conversation starters, how old is your kid? which one is your kid, oh I like her sparkly shoes, whereabouts do you guys live......

You will likely get the most value from consistently showing up to things that repeat weekly or monthly, drawing the same people. Meeting up with the same people over and over, that is where friendship starts.

Then, for advanced players, become the regularly occurring event. Inviting people to your home is powerful. A monthly gathering that you host will be hard at first, but the more you do it the easier it will become. Keep the entertaining bar low. Decide that your house does not need to be pristine, that people will like you more for letting yourself look imperfect. Decide that cheese and crackers and chips served in a bag is just fine. Do not worry about accommodating everyone's dietary restrictions.

Be nonjudgmental about everyone's parenting. Everyone is doing what make sense to them and nobody really knows anything.
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 2:31 AM on March 24, 2018 [4 favorites]

I think the answer lies first in you--what are you looking for in new friendships? Do you want them to be kid-focused? I am a somewhat misanthropic, somewhat older parent (I'm 51, kid is 8) so playdates that involve chatting with other parents can be more alienating than fun depending on circumstances. And if you are looking for a social life that is not kid dependent, then playdates aren't really the place to go looking for it.

All my new friendships in adulthood have been formed through common interests, so my only suggestion if you are interested in expanding your social world beyond parenting is to think about something locally that you care about--environment, politics, birdwatching, whatevs--and get involved. Hopefully there will be likeminded people there; hopefully you will hit it off and, over time, become friends.
posted by Morpeth at 3:32 AM on March 24, 2018

Once your kid is in school (required school- daycare doesn’t seem to count, different beast), it gets a little easier- you start seeing the same parents at the birthday party circuit, school events, etc. I’ve been on this side of the river for almost 4 years, and I’m just now feeling like I’m making friends. I showed up to a lot of regular stuff, even when I wasn’t in the mood, and finally started connecting with individuals. Hang in there!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 4:44 AM on March 24, 2018 [1 favorite]