Is my boyfriend a people pleaser ? And what should I do about it ?
March 19, 2018 11:28 AM Subscribe
I start constantly getting pissed off of my boyfriend's behavior/attitude towards his friends/acquaintances/strangers.
Because I think he's wasting his time and energy to people just want to use him.
Background:
Me 22 working in tech for a year, been in North America for 4 years.
bf 25 have been studying in law for 7 years, be in North America for 2 years.
Status:
In commitment relationship for 3 months, we almost seeing/staying with each other everyday at his place.
I genuinely care for my BF.
I have fight really hard to stand where I am right now because I have no one here:When he need advice on career I help him targeting his goals and analyze his situation as honest as possible;
last week, my boyfriend was sick so I Uber to his house to take care of him, wake up every hour in the night cause he’s in pain.
I spent more than 10 hours helped him writing his essay when he got caught up in exams. ( I suck at writing in English that’s why it takes me so long) .
I had experienced abusive relationship and taken advantage by people so I know how shitty it is to be find out being used.
So when he need advice on his friend I try to be unbiased as possible, but most of time I find out these people are calling him because they need help, like old classmate never talked now suddenly need to know how to come to Canada; his best friend need tutoring on assignment (everyday!); girls need a garbage bin to complain about their relationship, so blew up (called 4,5 times in a row) his phone in the middle of the night while we sleeping.
Somehow I slowly growing a resentment and a judgement towards him, feeling my effort on him is cheap and not rewarding. I have talked to him a lot of times that he is wasting his time on people who are not worth that amount of effort he gives. He responded that he just being polite and nice, and I should not expect the way how I interact with my friend to be replied on the way he is with his friends.
I start getting pissed off so often, rising my voice, constantly getting into an argument with him and giving him attitude when he’s not listening to me, about friend, about career, about everything. The frustration is killing the relationship.
This weekend, one of his female friend TA called him while we driving, I picked up (after ask his permission ) the call told her he is driving, you are on speaker, she get pissed off told him “ This is too much, please call me back.”
(This girl has previous called him for watching fifty shades freed in Feb with him and said on the phone “you must watch with me even if you watched with your girlfriend already.” I was next to him when his making the call, they were on the call for 20 mins, he's saying no ( in their languages ) but very firmly even she said like that, eventually he turn her down in a serious tone ( I guess ?) when she called again after 10 mins, cause I get pissed off.)
I was having the anger the whole week, we went to a farm on Saturday, he got bitten by a goat got me all worried, instead of being caring I start yelling at him why he wanna stay so long, why he doesn’t wanna leave when I ask to, what if he get infection lose a finger…
After 20mins, he said to me if I am being difficult like this he doesn’t want to meet me.
I asked him whether want to break up, we had a sit down conversation, he told me I am being difficult and nagging repetitively about same thing, and he will listen to me when I am suggesting something useful, I agreed, then we moved on.
On Sunday night I bought food, he want extra soup but the restaurant did not give much and the food is cold, so I heat up the food but it end up the boiled out the only soup it’s there. He got pissed off (in a nicer way how I pissed off), and shows extreme frustration on me why I overdoing stuff. I apologized, then after sometimes he apologized “Sorry I was being a dick.” This is the first time he got pissed off of a small thing, he used to never get angry on me.
I love him and he loves me, but I feel there’s a huge conflicts going on but I don’t know what it is, he’s patient and loving me, supportive in giving the love attention, (I don’t go ask his opinions of work or friends, but he help me realize my family issues.)
Right now after I typed everything I can sense something is changing inside me.
I am being very possessive, protective an controlling, I don’t want him to meet any of his friends , I constantly feel insecure, I have a feeling if I continue going in this direction this relationship gonna going towards on end.
I want to stop going being pissy and controlling now, I really don’t know what’s going on inside of me.
Background:
Me 22 working in tech for a year, been in North America for 4 years.
bf 25 have been studying in law for 7 years, be in North America for 2 years.
Status:
In commitment relationship for 3 months, we almost seeing/staying with each other everyday at his place.
I genuinely care for my BF.
I have fight really hard to stand where I am right now because I have no one here:When he need advice on career I help him targeting his goals and analyze his situation as honest as possible;
last week, my boyfriend was sick so I Uber to his house to take care of him, wake up every hour in the night cause he’s in pain.
I spent more than 10 hours helped him writing his essay when he got caught up in exams. ( I suck at writing in English that’s why it takes me so long) .
I had experienced abusive relationship and taken advantage by people so I know how shitty it is to be find out being used.
So when he need advice on his friend I try to be unbiased as possible, but most of time I find out these people are calling him because they need help, like old classmate never talked now suddenly need to know how to come to Canada; his best friend need tutoring on assignment (everyday!); girls need a garbage bin to complain about their relationship, so blew up (called 4,5 times in a row) his phone in the middle of the night while we sleeping.
Somehow I slowly growing a resentment and a judgement towards him, feeling my effort on him is cheap and not rewarding. I have talked to him a lot of times that he is wasting his time on people who are not worth that amount of effort he gives. He responded that he just being polite and nice, and I should not expect the way how I interact with my friend to be replied on the way he is with his friends.
I start getting pissed off so often, rising my voice, constantly getting into an argument with him and giving him attitude when he’s not listening to me, about friend, about career, about everything. The frustration is killing the relationship.
This weekend, one of his female friend TA called him while we driving, I picked up (after ask his permission ) the call told her he is driving, you are on speaker, she get pissed off told him “ This is too much, please call me back.”
(This girl has previous called him for watching fifty shades freed in Feb with him and said on the phone “you must watch with me even if you watched with your girlfriend already.” I was next to him when his making the call, they were on the call for 20 mins, he's saying no ( in their languages ) but very firmly even she said like that, eventually he turn her down in a serious tone ( I guess ?) when she called again after 10 mins, cause I get pissed off.)
I was having the anger the whole week, we went to a farm on Saturday, he got bitten by a goat got me all worried, instead of being caring I start yelling at him why he wanna stay so long, why he doesn’t wanna leave when I ask to, what if he get infection lose a finger…
After 20mins, he said to me if I am being difficult like this he doesn’t want to meet me.
I asked him whether want to break up, we had a sit down conversation, he told me I am being difficult and nagging repetitively about same thing, and he will listen to me when I am suggesting something useful, I agreed, then we moved on.
On Sunday night I bought food, he want extra soup but the restaurant did not give much and the food is cold, so I heat up the food but it end up the boiled out the only soup it’s there. He got pissed off (in a nicer way how I pissed off), and shows extreme frustration on me why I overdoing stuff. I apologized, then after sometimes he apologized “Sorry I was being a dick.” This is the first time he got pissed off of a small thing, he used to never get angry on me.
I love him and he loves me, but I feel there’s a huge conflicts going on but I don’t know what it is, he’s patient and loving me, supportive in giving the love attention, (I don’t go ask his opinions of work or friends, but he help me realize my family issues.)
Right now after I typed everything I can sense something is changing inside me.
I am being very possessive, protective an controlling, I don’t want him to meet any of his friends , I constantly feel insecure, I have a feeling if I continue going in this direction this relationship gonna going towards on end.
I want to stop going being pissy and controlling now, I really don’t know what’s going on inside of me.
It's been 3 months. This is too many arguments for a 3 month relationship.
Gently... Everything you described is super fucking irritating or just ridiculous. I, uh, know you say you love each other, but uh... Why do you want to be with someone whose every feature is turning you into the worst version of yourself? Instead, it should make you know you guys are incompatible and it should make you feel like respectfully breaking up so you can stop hurting each other.
Be the best version of yourself and respectfully break up so you can both find true compatibility and happiness elsewhere. Then keep up with your self-work so this pattern is not repeated in your life. You have agency to improve yourself. Use it.
posted by jbenben at 11:42 AM on March 19, 2018 [18 favorites]
Gently... Everything you described is super fucking irritating or just ridiculous. I, uh, know you say you love each other, but uh... Why do you want to be with someone whose every feature is turning you into the worst version of yourself? Instead, it should make you know you guys are incompatible and it should make you feel like respectfully breaking up so you can stop hurting each other.
Be the best version of yourself and respectfully break up so you can both find true compatibility and happiness elsewhere. Then keep up with your self-work so this pattern is not repeated in your life. You have agency to improve yourself. Use it.
posted by jbenben at 11:42 AM on March 19, 2018 [18 favorites]
Don't waste your time and mental/emotional health trying to break someone of their bad interpersonal habits. Ask me how I know!
posted by Young Kullervo at 12:35 PM on March 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Young Kullervo at 12:35 PM on March 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Is my boyfriend a people pleaser? - Yes.
What should I do about it? - Break up with him, because you find that characteristic very annoying.
That's it, it's very simple. You're not a bad person and neither is he, you're just different in some substantial ways. Don't waste your time trying to change another adult - it rarely works! You are so young and this relationship is so new - it's not worth all the effort.
posted by yawper at 12:46 PM on March 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
What should I do about it? - Break up with him, because you find that characteristic very annoying.
That's it, it's very simple. You're not a bad person and neither is he, you're just different in some substantial ways. Don't waste your time trying to change another adult - it rarely works! You are so young and this relationship is so new - it's not worth all the effort.
posted by yawper at 12:46 PM on March 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
When he need advice on career I help him targeting his goals and analyze his situation as honest as possible;
last week, my boyfriend was sick so I Uber to his house to take care of him, wake up every hour in the night cause he’s in pain.
I spent more than 10 hours helped him writing his essay when he got caught up in exams. ( I suck at writing in English that’s why it takes me so long) .
What I'm reading is you trying so hard to please him. Let him go and focus on yourself for a while.
posted by Miko at 1:10 PM on March 19, 2018 [19 favorites]
last week, my boyfriend was sick so I Uber to his house to take care of him, wake up every hour in the night cause he’s in pain.
I spent more than 10 hours helped him writing his essay when he got caught up in exams. ( I suck at writing in English that’s why it takes me so long) .
What I'm reading is you trying so hard to please him. Let him go and focus on yourself for a while.
posted by Miko at 1:10 PM on March 19, 2018 [19 favorites]
You didn't "help him" write that essay, you wrote that essay. "Helping him" is reading the essay after he's written it and making suggestions. That doesn't take ten hours, and it can't be done while the person you're helping is studying for exams. Therefore we can logically conclude that you wrote the essay yourself.
Do not do that.
It was a waste of ten hours of your time and it could get him tossed out of school. Whatever he was doing with his time, be it getting bit by goats, watching fifty shades three times with three different friends, yacking on his phone, screaming at people because his soup's too cold or boiled away, or simply sitting in a corner rocking back and forth while not writing or studying until it was too late to do both, he can go get an extension on the paper or turn it in late or talk to academic advising about dropping one of the classes because, obviously, he's overextended this semester. Anything would be wiser and less personally perilous than getting somebody else to write the paper for him.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:58 PM on March 19, 2018 [24 favorites]
Do not do that.
It was a waste of ten hours of your time and it could get him tossed out of school. Whatever he was doing with his time, be it getting bit by goats, watching fifty shades three times with three different friends, yacking on his phone, screaming at people because his soup's too cold or boiled away, or simply sitting in a corner rocking back and forth while not writing or studying until it was too late to do both, he can go get an extension on the paper or turn it in late or talk to academic advising about dropping one of the classes because, obviously, he's overextended this semester. Anything would be wiser and less personally perilous than getting somebody else to write the paper for him.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:58 PM on March 19, 2018 [24 favorites]
As I read through your post, I recognized many of the things I used to do in relationships. I say this from personal experience, and hope it can help you. I am a recovering codependent, and am wondering if you would benefit from learning more about codependency. I see codependent behaviors on both sides. Some good resources are Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and the Co-dependents Anonymous patterns of behaviour for a start.
To answer your question, your obsession (sorry if that's a strong word) with your boyfriend's problems is contributing to the chaos in your life. I have spent a long time learning that we (in a general sense) are powerless over other people - meaning we cannot change or be responsible for other people's decisions. We can only control our own feelings, thoughts, behaviors and how we interact with others. I know that when I forget this and start trying to control other people, my life gets really shitty really fast.
posted by snowysoul at 2:01 PM on March 19, 2018 [11 favorites]
To answer your question, your obsession (sorry if that's a strong word) with your boyfriend's problems is contributing to the chaos in your life. I have spent a long time learning that we (in a general sense) are powerless over other people - meaning we cannot change or be responsible for other people's decisions. We can only control our own feelings, thoughts, behaviors and how we interact with others. I know that when I forget this and start trying to control other people, my life gets really shitty really fast.
posted by snowysoul at 2:01 PM on March 19, 2018 [11 favorites]
This type of behavior doesn't actually please anyone. It sounds more like triangulation, which is most definitely unhealthy and drama seeking behavior.
posted by OnefortheLast at 5:11 PM on March 19, 2018
posted by OnefortheLast at 5:11 PM on March 19, 2018
Is my boyfriend a people pleaser? He's a selective people pleaser -- he's clearly not pleasing you. Not all of his interactions with others are unreasonable; the old classmate looking him up to pick his brain about emigration is not over the top, provided your boyfriend was not ditching previous plans with you to immediately accommodate the call. However, his phone should have been turned off once it became clear that girl's phone calls (received in the dead of night, while you were together) were not going to stop.
You can love one another, and still be a poor match. I think you should break up with him, and work to establish a few friendships with a good balance of care-giving and care-getting for your own wellbeing.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:24 PM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
You can love one another, and still be a poor match. I think you should break up with him, and work to establish a few friendships with a good balance of care-giving and care-getting for your own wellbeing.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:24 PM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
You’re not going to change someone who wants to spend a lot of their time helping other people. You can see when he’s being taken advantage of, but he doesn’t care. Either he truly doesn’t mind, or he gets something out of being a helper/pleaser to a wide swath of acquaintances. It may be ingrained in his identity. I’ve watched people I care for do this for years, so please believe me when I say he won’t change. You can only change your reaction to it. Maybe accept that this is who he is, and appreciate this quality in him. Or maybe break up if you don’t want a partner with so many other priorities. (Me, I would be driven crazy by this.) I do think it’s bringing out some anger in you that you should address separately for your own well-being. I wish you good luck!
posted by Knowyournuts at 6:28 PM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Knowyournuts at 6:28 PM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
« Older Free/Cheap Classical Music Performances in... | How Rude is Using Self-Checkout Machines Twice? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 11:35 AM on March 19, 2018 [5 favorites]