Supporting friend during a "reset" stay away from abusive relationship
March 19, 2018 5:37 AM   Subscribe

My friend from this question and her partner are planning a "break" due to the already abusive situation escalating over recent months. My friend's partner suggested my friend move out for a few days to "reset" and she has asked to stay with me for this time. I'm keenly hoping this will spell the beginning of the end. How can I best support her, without becoming an unofficial therapist?

Much extended detail in the previous question, yet quick notes: female friend E is in a long term relationship with a woman B diagnosed with bipolar, but refusing to treat. When they met B was pregnant with daughter M and they have coparented since her birth, eight and a half years ago. Their lives together have been tumultuous: B has a drinking problem, multiple suicide attempts and has (to my mind) been emotionally abusing E for years. Her daughter, I feel, is deeply disturbed by all she's witnessed over the years, as well as dealing with a chronic health issue, and whenever she doesn't get to do exactly as she wishes, will scream abuse at and physically attack E on a near daily basis.

In the last few weeks, M's school has insisted that the family go to see a counsellor together, due to M's behavioural issues beginning to emerge with schoolmates and teachers (before, always at home and always with E specifically). The family have been for a couple of sessions, which E describes as really good although daughter M is resisting and cooperating minimally during the sessions.

When she was telling me about this last night, E mentioned that "B had suggested that E move out for a few days". E said that she was desperate to do so as well, since M had been "especially difficult" over the last few weeks and E is worried that her own anger is becoming unmanageable as well. E's hoping that if she leaves for a few days M will miss her and realise that "she has to be nicer", although E wanted to make sure that M doesn't feel like she's being punished and so the change is phrased to her as "E working away". E also mentioned possibly bringing the dog, who she cares for in the main, with her, as M will "probably miss the dog more than me". E plans to come and stay at mine the week after next. I have a spare room, the stay isn't an issue - I'm super glad to help.

Some questions:

I see any move out of that household, even temporary, as a positive one, as I see no good future if the situation continues as is - and maybe even a short break can help E get some perspective? The break wasn't E's idea, I don't think she'd ever suggest leaving herself much as she might want it as she's fully invested in the idea that she's responsible for keeping that family going, but perhaps it can prove the catalyst for change.

Is this common in people as they start to disentangle themselves from abusive relationships, testing the ground outside? How does this work in codependency situations? I'm really hoping that B will step up and the week will go well, but part of me wonders if they'll be a late night panicky phone call after a couple of days and super-E will fly in to the rescue once more. Back to square one.

How can I best support her through this? Obviously I'm hoping that this "reset" will become a permanent break from her partner, but she has to come to that conclusion for herself. I've never told E that she needs to get out, only phrased it as "no one would blame you if you needed to leave" which I believe to be true, at least among E's family and friends. Another positive sign lately: E has been a lot more candid with people over recent months and most of E's friends are aware that the situation is horribly bad, if not the specifics.

Can I insist that E seeks professional therapy during this time? I have lost count of the number of times I've gently suggested it, but I feel like this could be the opportunity to get her speaking to someone who can unravel the tangle of hopelessness and 'needing to be needed'. There's going to be some big feelings and I can't handle becoming her unofficial therapist - and I certainly don't want to accidentally enable a return to a relationship that I think is toxic for her. Needs a pro.

I'm not convinced she'll go with the therapist idea this time either, mainly due to the money (NHS mental health services are overloaded and understaffed - bloody Tories - so she'd have to go private to see someone serious within this period of possibility). Are there any books I could get for her?

And how can I set boundaries while she's here? I love E, she's one of my oldest friends, but she's already talking about "helping me" with things around the house, she's one of those who barely sits down all day, whereas I'd rather she do some things for herself and perhaps catch up on sleep. I'm a classic introvert, happy to see folks once every few days for a finite amount of time, whereas she doesn't like to be alone.

Any and all support or advice gratefully received. Thanks!
posted by doornoise to Human Relations (14 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: E is unlikely to fix all this in a few days. And most people attempt to leave abusive relationships seven or eight times before leaving for good. If it were me, I would make sure E knew that I supported her no matter what she decided to do, so that when she likely returns to B this time, she'll know I won't cut her off. Returning to B is not really "Back to square one" in these types of situations, but more like step 57 in a 1238-step process.

I would also understand that if E uses helping others as a way of avoiding her own feelings, then asking her to change that in a super-stressful time is unlikely to be super-successful, though it might be ok to gently point out what she's doing.

I also applaud you for wanting to set your own boundaries, and I think being more insistent that you can't be E's therapist and she needs to get an individual therapist for more support is a good idea.
posted by lazuli at 5:47 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


Best answer: You can support her by being firm about "house rules" and about how you conduct yourself at home. If you seek peace, harmony, quiet, calm, then that's what you insist on. If she brings the frenetic energy she's carrying into your home, then it's not an escape for her, it's an expansion of the "abuse zone" into your personal space. Don't be reluctant to be firm. Someone who is used to arbitrary punishment from her abuser will welcome clarity and consistent structure.

Recognize that this is more than her abusive situation - this is about you opening your home to someone who may not understand your need for space and solitude.

And draw the line at emotional support - you are providing a safe haven, not therapy. "I wish I could help you with that, but I can't. You need someone trained to help you deal with/respond to/work through that." And it is not your job to find her a therapist or decide therapy is too expensive or anything else. If there is a domestic violence shelter or group nearby, give her the info, but anything beyond that is beyond you.
posted by headnsouth at 7:13 AM on March 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


Well, the fact that it's her partner who's saying she needs to get out makes me think this is not a good idea for you or her. Your friend really doesn't want to get help.

I don't know if you want to have her stay with you unless you are 100% certain that you can absolutely lay down the law about refusing to be her sounding board, therapist, or any type of listener. Your friend does not seem to want help and I don't think this is a good idea for her. She needs to get help and make decisions on her own, she's not there yet, and this could end up being really unhelpful for her and very problematic for you.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 7:22 AM on March 19, 2018 [4 favorites]


Echoing that there’s a lot here that doesn’t sound like the answer that’s the healthiest will be the end result now. A thing I recommend, that was incredibly difficult but useful for me with a friend in a similar but different situation is to really understand and think about how to best support your friend without helping to enable a volatile relationship. Set boundaries for yourself and recognize that you can’t make her take a step she isn’t ready for herself.
posted by Nimmie Amee at 7:28 AM on March 19, 2018


Best answer: Since you asked for boundaries, specifically, here are a few suggestions.

(1) You can't fix her life for her. You can't fix her feelings. You can't make her choose the right choices. Your worry that E will go back to her abuser? Give it up! I say this with love and understanding. You are clearly a kind and compassionate person but your hope that you will be the conduit through which your friend will find a better life? That will bring nothing but trouble for you and for her. You will slide into this hope again and again because it is your emotional habit (as it is for many of us). What I have found useful in managing my own hopes of a similar variety is to regularly visualize myself floating into outer space and looking down at the person whose feelings and choices I am identifying too closely with. "Oh, look at that person. I wonder what they will do next?" This helps me adopt an attitude of curiosity rather than anxiety about, and responsibility for, them.

(2) Your friend is smart and capable and fully cognizant of what the "right" choices are. She KNOWS about therapy. She KNOWS about abuse. She KNOWS what's good for her and what's bad for her. But if you or other forces in her life are directly or indirectly telling her what she already knows, she's going to feel like you're calling her stupid, and she will feel the need to defend herself from that, and so she won't be able to admit or act on what she knows. So don't! Treat her like any other guest. Don't talk to her about her life or her pain or her choices or her healing. Talk to her about gardening or books or the weather. If she dumps her process on you, limit your response to "Mmmm" and "Aw, hon," and walk away or change the subject after two minutes. You can directly tell her that you want to stay out of her process, because you believe she needs to do this her own way without pressure, and that you believe in her.

(3) If you're already providing her with room and board, you're doing a lot for her! Don't be guilted into doing more. And please don't coddle her: ask her to share in chores etc. Discuss explicitly how long she can stay with you, and stick to the limits! Not only is normal life and regular expectations good for her, the central thing is that *you should not feel taken advantage of by the end of this.* Protect your relationship with her by avoiding the classic "giver" breeding ground for resentment.

(4) Have your own life. Don't cancel plans or change your routines to take care of her. Don't feel like you have to include her in all your plans. If she wants to go out, you don't have to go with her. See (3). Room and board provision is a BIG DEAL already! Don't let her take over your life.
posted by MiraK at 7:39 AM on March 19, 2018 [11 favorites]


"E also mentioned possibly bringing the dog, who she cares for in the main, with her, as M will "probably miss the dog more than me"."

I'm sorry, but E is actively thinking of how to get back at a 7 year old. Your friend is in a VERY bad place, mentally speaking.

Everything headnsouth wrote.

Ideally E would leave the dog, child, and partner behind and start over. These are not her things or people or pet. I would NOT let E move in for longer than 2 weeks. She needs to find her own, solo space.

This stay will not go well, because as someone above stated, E is bringing all of the abuse and frenetic energy with her. Plan your kindnesses and your boundaries accordingly.
posted by jbenben at 7:41 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


I have a sneaking suspicion that the partner is asking her to leave for a few days just so he can throw all her stuff in garbage bags and leave them on the front porch. :/
posted by sexyrobot at 7:53 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


Nthing lesbian-friendly DV organizations who have the training to handle this.
posted by brujita at 8:01 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I'm sorry, but E is actively thinking of how to get back at a 7 year old. Your friend is in a VERY bad place, mentally speaking.

The motive may be wrong but the action still right. Pets are far too often the victims in escalating DV situations.
posted by praemunire at 8:03 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]


From your previous question, bolding mine:

Friend E, a wonderful caring woman full of joie de vivre, met partner B (also female) eight years ago when B was four months' (accidentally) pregnant and in a very vulnerable housing situation. After a whirlwind romance, the two moved in together and have ended up co-parenting B's child... I have seen E transform from a happy, wonderful, kind individual with many hopes and dreams into a stressed, anxious, depressed and shouty wreck, who's just holding it together day to day and is always tired.

Are E & B renting a place together, or did B move into E's home? If E is the homeowner, she should _not_ be exiting her own house. Part of establishing good boundaries is not setting yourself up for a permanent resident in your guest room, while E battles B over their living space. At the very least, if she's concerned about the dog's care she might board it for this week, with another concerned friend, rather than bringing it along -- you're a 'classic introvert,' and E's presence will be draining for you. No need to add in a pet unaccustomed to your home.

Have a list of chores she can do or errands she can run while she's there. Leave a stack of relevant books on the bedside. Have a few appointments of your own to keep during her stay, and have one night towards the end of the week where you, E, and a few close friends who are the most in the know share a meal and maybe a bottle of wine. If she's had any revelations, she'll talk about them then.

I don't think you can request she go to therapy at this point; if she wants to stay with you again, you can then. If the week's break cause B and M to realize just how much physical and emotional labor E does, she'll be going home to a brief honeymoon period that she'll think she can re-create with regular breaks at your place.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:11 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: To answer the question about their living arrangements, the house is rented jointly by E and B.

The dog has been the target of daughter M's violent behaviour in the past. B does not really care about the dog and rarely walks him. So while it's good that E is bringing the dog for the stay and I'm more than happy to have him here, yes, I've also noticed how E has started to treat M as if this eight-year-old child is acting with malice, rather than acting out in an attempt to control her surroundings (avoid a scary thing / get to do another thing / get attention / prevent mummy and E from doing anything alone).
posted by doornoise at 10:53 AM on March 19, 2018


I just meant that E is caught up in the drama cycle and not thinking very clearly at all. I would not expect E to magically let go of the drama and "reset" in any way. E has a lot to process.
posted by jbenben at 11:15 AM on March 19, 2018


"The dog has been the target of daughter M's violent behaviour in the past. B does not really care about the dog and rarely walks him."

That alone would be reason for me to bring the dog, were I in E's place. I agree with everyone above about boundaries. However, I couldn't live with myself if an innocent creature were being hurt. Thank you for allowing him to come visit. I can't imagine what he's going through.
posted by arishaun at 3:47 AM on March 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thanks again for the useful advice. No good news to share, sadly.

Update: I just phoned E as I hadn't heard back from her about the stay. Turns out she'd "forgotten" about the arrangement and apparently "things are better". I didn't really know how to respond so kept it brief and said I'd see her soon, no doubt.

I'm having a lot of feelings, some (tiredness, sadness) I can justify, others (disappointment, annoyance) probably show that I'm too invested here. I'll look for some resources to help me deal appropriately.
posted by doornoise at 10:45 AM on March 26, 2018


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