How can an adult learn to play or be playful?
March 19, 2018 12:03 AM Subscribe
Say you're an adult with a more or less happy, fulfilling life, but as a result of some adverse childhood stuff, you didn't really learn to be playful, and you find anything that involves being silly and frivolous pretty terrifying. What are some baby-step-type ways you could ease into incorporating play into your life?
What would it be like to throw (non dangerous) objects at people when they're not really expecting it, with a smile and the words "quick, catch." Or do the good old middle school 'take away the thing that someone is reaching for from you.' Often smile inducing. Or when a partner reaches their hand out for something and is looking away, slap their palm.
Or wagering small favors (who brings a latte for the other tomorrow) on really frivolous things. Say, at a bar, tell your companion that you'll bet a couple who's clearly on a date will/won't have a second drink and then speculate (wildly, since there's no other kind in this setting) about them. Or put an interesting object, preferably a maddening one, on your desk for visitors to ask you about (e.g. rubic's, getting big rings through small loops using some rope). Everyone will ask, I promise.
I find another 'fun' thing is to ask ridiculous questions, with or without answers. For instance, management consultants would use a question like "how much does a commercial jetliner weigh?" If you see on the news some story about hellish plane travel, you could ask that as a "what do you think a jetliner weighs--1,000 tons? 10,000 tons?" Another example: "which city has more people Minneapolis or Seattle?" Or hypothetical ridiculous questions: "would you go a month without deodorant or without mascara?"
To me these are some things that come to mind when it comes to fun, silly or lighthearted people.
posted by flyingfork at 1:41 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Or wagering small favors (who brings a latte for the other tomorrow) on really frivolous things. Say, at a bar, tell your companion that you'll bet a couple who's clearly on a date will/won't have a second drink and then speculate (wildly, since there's no other kind in this setting) about them. Or put an interesting object, preferably a maddening one, on your desk for visitors to ask you about (e.g. rubic's, getting big rings through small loops using some rope). Everyone will ask, I promise.
I find another 'fun' thing is to ask ridiculous questions, with or without answers. For instance, management consultants would use a question like "how much does a commercial jetliner weigh?" If you see on the news some story about hellish plane travel, you could ask that as a "what do you think a jetliner weighs--1,000 tons? 10,000 tons?" Another example: "which city has more people Minneapolis or Seattle?" Or hypothetical ridiculous questions: "would you go a month without deodorant or without mascara?"
To me these are some things that come to mind when it comes to fun, silly or lighthearted people.
posted by flyingfork at 1:41 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
flyingfork's first paragraph basically describes behaviors that would make me very irritated, so YMMV.
Do you have any actual children or babies in your life? I'm not suggesting you run out and acquire one for the sake of this exercise, but if you have a little one around, spend some time with them. They basically require silliness. Babies like when you put things on your head and pretend they are hats. Older children like when you pretend not to know basic facts and they can teach you. I had no idea the depths of my own playfulness until I had a daughter.
posted by chaiminda at 2:16 AM on March 19, 2018 [33 favorites]
Do you have any actual children or babies in your life? I'm not suggesting you run out and acquire one for the sake of this exercise, but if you have a little one around, spend some time with them. They basically require silliness. Babies like when you put things on your head and pretend they are hats. Older children like when you pretend not to know basic facts and they can teach you. I had no idea the depths of my own playfulness until I had a daughter.
posted by chaiminda at 2:16 AM on March 19, 2018 [33 favorites]
Maybe binge watch Monty Python. They’re pretty silly and playful.
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:31 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:31 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
You might find the right drama or improv class to be a nice safe space for playfulness, as I did.
posted by johngoren at 2:56 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by johngoren at 2:56 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Buy an actual toy and play with it? A cool lego set? Some silly games (i.e. there is one in the UK where you get hit in the face by a pie made of foam), marble runs are fun. Oh and the play dough sets where you squeeze it through a mould or cut hair (I did the latter with my 4 year old niece and we were in stitches).
Sorry these are all buying things - maybe you could go to a playground and mess around? I always like the deathwire (zipline type thing) for fun!
posted by sedimentary_deer at 3:04 AM on March 19, 2018
Sorry these are all buying things - maybe you could go to a playground and mess around? I always like the deathwire (zipline type thing) for fun!
posted by sedimentary_deer at 3:04 AM on March 19, 2018
Adult coloring books or cross-stitch? They're playful but structured. There are cheeky or interesting patterns you could stitch.
posted by whitelotus at 3:27 AM on March 19, 2018
posted by whitelotus at 3:27 AM on March 19, 2018
Dancing comes to mind! Dancing by yourself, alone, to favorite fun songs could be the first baby step, then dancing alone in front of a mirror, then further steps could be in your house but in a place where someone could see you from a window occasionally, then with a friend/significant other, then in a public place. You could work up to doing a dance-inspired cardio class like Zumba or dancing at a wedding or live show.
posted by shortyJBot at 4:45 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by shortyJBot at 4:45 AM on March 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Expanding on D&D -- board games in general! Most of them have some kind of silly component, and a lot are just totally silly and fun. (We Didn't Playtest This At All lives up to it's name, but because it's pretty terrible after like 3 rounds, you might not have enough time to get self-conscious or uncomfortable before you stop playing.)
Only word of warning: I've had better luck with groups run by people I know, rather than just going to a store for their open-gaming afternoon or whatever. Specifically gaming with friends, if they're of the right mindset, is fun and funny and warm and welcoming. It's not that the groups at stores are *bad*, but there's a much more hard-core, louder edge to it.
posted by kalimac at 5:05 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Only word of warning: I've had better luck with groups run by people I know, rather than just going to a store for their open-gaming afternoon or whatever. Specifically gaming with friends, if they're of the right mindset, is fun and funny and warm and welcoming. It's not that the groups at stores are *bad*, but there's a much more hard-core, louder edge to it.
posted by kalimac at 5:05 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I think fake it till you make it can help. Going through the motions of silliness can spark a positive feeling at some point that can lead to more feelings. Patience is key and not trying to force the feeling. Do the exercise with an open mind: it might work but it might not, let's just see what happens. If you don't have a trusted friend to bounce things around with it also works wonderful when alone! That is the cool thing, only one player required for this game, but more can join if wanted. For example, come up with one thing you could try on your own, like sitting in front of the mirror making faces. You might feel stupid, or nothing at first, keep going. See how changing your face shape in extreme ways might induce the smallest chuckle from you. Feelings of shame or disgust are invitations to keep goingn until those not playful feelings subside into indifference, keep going. It doesn't have to be an uncomfortablu long session but make it long enough to feel some shift in your thoughts and feelings. Put it away and try again later after you have had a meal and feel relaxed. You likely won't want to try this but I encourage you to at least do it once and see what happens. The key to silliness is trust and nonjudgement of yourself. Pretend that person in the mirror is someone else if that helps. Counterintuitively, silliness doesn't have to be spontaneous, although it surely could be. I have some goto activities that work every time, like spinning around for a bit and then making faces in the mirror. The silly feeling may be brief, but it's always there. Baby steps.
posted by waving at 5:34 AM on March 19, 2018
posted by waving at 5:34 AM on March 19, 2018
Non-competitive group exercise with non-judgmental instructors. Something like yoga, preferably something labeled "Beginner" or "Gentle," or a Zumba class. There are probably adult recreational softball or soccer leagues that would fit the bill, too.
Playing with dogs or kittens.
Sounds counter-intuitive but maybe meditation? I tend to be way less self-conscious about everything if I'm meditating regularly.
posted by lazuli at 6:00 AM on March 19, 2018
Playing with dogs or kittens.
Sounds counter-intuitive but maybe meditation? I tend to be way less self-conscious about everything if I'm meditating regularly.
posted by lazuli at 6:00 AM on March 19, 2018
How about playing with a dog, especially a puppy? My dog did a great job teaching me to play.
posted by mcduff at 6:22 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by mcduff at 6:22 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Other board games may be helpful (Escape! comes to mind, or ask for recs at boardgamegeek.com)
Maybe read some fun(ny) authors, like Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams.
Also, if you’ve never tried alcohol or marijuana, many people find that moderate ammounts of those facilitate fun and playful attitudes.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:32 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Maybe read some fun(ny) authors, like Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams.
Also, if you’ve never tried alcohol or marijuana, many people find that moderate ammounts of those facilitate fun and playful attitudes.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:32 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I pay attention to my surroundings and notice (and sometimes point out) the absurd and delightful things in daily life. Silly graffiti or street art, funny signs, license plates. My local produce stand offered “Artesian muffins” (as opposed to Artisan, I guess) and that made me smile. Sometime I take photos of these little bits of silliness to share with my husband.
Just looking around and maintaining a sense of wonder goes a long way in making me feel optimistic and at home in the world.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:52 AM on March 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Just looking around and maintaining a sense of wonder goes a long way in making me feel optimistic and at home in the world.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:52 AM on March 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Improv classes would be good for this - they're not necessarily about 'trying hard to be funny', more about being in the moment, responding to what's happening around you without trying to force a particular outcome, and - as a result, silliness often ensues.
Don't be put off by the thought that you're going to walk into a room full of born improvisers. Every beginners class I've been to has been full of slightly nervous people who don't really know how to do this, and the whole process is about all gradually learning together how to give up the desire to control, to go with the flow, and let the silliness happen.
posted by penguin pie at 8:07 AM on March 19, 2018
Don't be put off by the thought that you're going to walk into a room full of born improvisers. Every beginners class I've been to has been full of slightly nervous people who don't really know how to do this, and the whole process is about all gradually learning together how to give up the desire to control, to go with the flow, and let the silliness happen.
posted by penguin pie at 8:07 AM on March 19, 2018
Definitely an improv class. They are very supportive environments. In the beginning there is lots of exercises that have no right answer but are meant for you to trust your partners and be present.
posted by mmascolino at 8:33 AM on March 19, 2018
posted by mmascolino at 8:33 AM on March 19, 2018
Perhaps get something that you always wanted as a kid -- some old toy or something. I found getting a SNES and NES mini worked well for a bit of playfulness for me.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 8:41 AM on March 19, 2018
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 8:41 AM on March 19, 2018
If a full game of D&D seems like a big commitment right now, see if you can get some friends together for a game of Fiasco! It takes about 3 hours to play, and it rewards fun and goofy storytelling choices.
If sitting-around-chatting games aren't your thing, I've heard good things about recreational softball leagues. Pick the lowest-stake one you can find.
posted by AmandaA at 9:29 AM on March 19, 2018
If sitting-around-chatting games aren't your thing, I've heard good things about recreational softball leagues. Pick the lowest-stake one you can find.
posted by AmandaA at 9:29 AM on March 19, 2018
You might enjoy the blog and resources on a site called Escape Adulthood.
posted by pril at 9:35 AM on March 19, 2018
posted by pril at 9:35 AM on March 19, 2018
There are a lot of artists that are awfully playful for adults. A few suggestions:
Michael C McMillin
Chris Burden
4th Estate, This is Where We Live (animation)
posted by effluvia at 10:20 AM on March 19, 2018
Michael C McMillin
Chris Burden
4th Estate, This is Where We Live (animation)
posted by effluvia at 10:20 AM on March 19, 2018
Do you know a dog? It's hard to watch a dog having fun playing and not be drawn in.
posted by praemunire at 10:24 AM on March 19, 2018
posted by praemunire at 10:24 AM on March 19, 2018
Puppies are fantastic and all, but if you ask me kittens have even more of the playful side without nearly as much other work (after all, you don't really hear about the "kitten blues.") Even if you're not up to adopting, what about a foster or volunteer situation?
posted by mosst at 10:42 AM on March 19, 2018
posted by mosst at 10:42 AM on March 19, 2018
I generate playfulness in my life by doing things I know I will be bad at. I accept it, I know I'll be bad, being bad doesn't actually have any negative consequences, so I fill in by being silly or funny instead. For me, this includes drawing and playing ukulele.
posted by momus_window at 10:55 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 10:55 AM on March 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Art-making worked for me. Any kind, from mixing paint colours and experimenting, to making a collage, to taking a class and learning to draw or paint.
Doing an art-making activity with kids is also fun.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 11:07 AM on March 19, 2018
Doing an art-making activity with kids is also fun.
posted by Erinaceus europaeus at 11:07 AM on March 19, 2018
What's really helped me is getting a video game for dancing (like the Just Dance series). I feel silly, but good, and it's freeing.
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:30 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Knowyournuts at 11:30 AM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Do you take everything seriously in conversation? Think about ways to add humor or lightheartedness into the way you talk. Not "tell jokes" but comments about what you see/experience that are cheerfully hyperbolic or ridiculous conclusions from commonplace events - like "OMG it's so cold out there!" reply is not "I know, this is terrible" but "Yes, this kind of weather has snowmen coming inside to get warm" or "At least I don't have to worry about my ice cream if the freezer breaks".
posted by aimedwander at 12:13 PM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by aimedwander at 12:13 PM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
The single thing that most converted me from a non-playing non-silly person to a playful person is swinging on swings. Swings in public parks are totally sturdy enough for adults, and the euphoria and physicality of it shakes something loose for me.
posted by desuetude at 8:41 PM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by desuetude at 8:41 PM on March 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
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Roleplaying is terrific for this, really. (It even has "play" in the name!) In my experience, D&D creates a low-stakes, friendly environment, geared towards collective enjoyment, encouragement, and fun and silliness. There's some structure and goals, enough to take the pressure off your ability to make up stuff, but also little enough that it encourages your spontaneity and imagination. And the whole point of roleplaying is for everyone to have fun, which helps circumvent a lot of the achievement/"skill" worries that some other hobbies come with.
posted by fire, water, earth, air at 1:33 AM on March 19, 2018 [6 favorites]